Diddy iPlayer Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss

# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

Hello, boys.

All around you are the master recordings of every programme

that Diddy TV has ever made.

Oh, lovely. I didn't know anyone was taping our shows.

-Didn't know anyone was watching our shows.

-Oh, just think...

-Oh, do I have to?

-Imagine if all this was destroyed.

-It would be a relief to us all.

-Me most of all.

Anyway, more importantly, that room is now the home of my new

-on demand service, The Diddy Player.

-BOTH:

-Oh.

We're going online, boys, 24/7.

If anyone wants to watch one of your programmes,

-poor fools that they are, they simply log on.

-Nice.

-Is it all automatic and that?

-Is it computerised, Larry?

-You think I can afford that?

-How does it work, Larry?

-Easy.

They log on, type in the name of the programme that they

want to see, somebody finds the tape and pops it in the machine.

I'd hate to be the fool that had to do that.

Yeah, they'd be here all night.

-There's your sleeping bags.

-Oh.

-They don't look very comfy.

Don't worry. You won't get a moment's rest. Nighty night, boys.

Wait!

-Shall we have a kip?

-Yeah.

No-one is actually going to demand to watch one of our shows, are they?

LOUD BEEPING NOISE

-Oh, it's happening, it's happening!

-What do they want?

-What do they want?

-Something with a cat in it. Oh, what?

-Like with a basket? Or a pie?

-No, one of our shows.

-What do you mean pie? Cats don't come in pies.

-Course not.

Hurry up. We don't want to keep him waiting.

BELL RINGS

Oh, Catson, there you are.

I wanted to check something with you.

-My life is brilliant, isn't it?

-Sir.

Yes, I thought so.

I mean, I am the cat with the biggest house in the land.

You're the only cat with a house in all the land.

I can't help it if no other moggies have been left a stinking

great mansion after their owners have croaked it.

-Oh!

-Something wrong, sir?

-Who has done that?

And all over my favourite antique scratch mat.

I did and I enjoyed it immensely.

Countess Tiddles.

I've run out of milk so I thought I'd come over for some lunch.

-Well, lunch isn't served for another hour.

-Lunch is served, sir.

Well done, Catson, I despise that woman.

-What is this creation?

-Chunky meat in gravy, madam...

From a pouch.

-Indeed.

-HE COUGHS

Please, Catson. I can't lose you.

I don't know how to do the washing up. Here.

Ah, thank goodness.

-It was only a furball.

-Oh, a fancy truffle.

Take the day off, Catson. Climb the curtains if you like.

-What could be better than that?

-This.

-Oh!

Right. Time for beddy-byes.

Hang on, there's more. Game shows.

Way over there. Your time starts now.

Eh?

Hello. I'm Nick Fewer. Welcome to another edition of Diddydown.

Diddy Dom. If you'd like to kick us off.

Hello, Rachel.

What?

Vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel...

vowel.

Your 30 seconds start now.

Right, so... Diddy Dick, what have you got?

-Nine.

-Nine. And, Diddy Dom?

Nine.

Of course you have. Diddy Dom, your nine?

Oo-oh-ee-oo-oh-ee.

-Which means what, exactly?

-It's the sound a ghost makes.

-You know, when he's run out of cheesecake.

-Of course it does.

And, Dick, your nine?

Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!

-It's the sound Nick Fewer makes when he's angry.

-No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't.

-Is, is, is.

-Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!

-ALL:

-Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!

MUSIC PLAYS

-ALL:

-Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!

-Have they gone?

-Hang on a minute, they're back. What do they want?

Something that's hard-hitting.

I'm on it.

No! A programme that's hard-hitting.

Right, you put on some adverts. I may be some time.

Oh, dear. Boring bum?

You need boing-boing pants.

Guaranteed to liven up anyone's trousers.

# Boing-boing pants

# Boing-boing pants

# Pop them on your bottom make your buttocks dance

# Boom-ba-boo-da boom-bam-bam

# Da-da-ba-do boom-da-bow-bow

# Up and down up and down all day long

# Wobble bouncy wobble bottom boing boing boing.

-Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?

-Look at that.

-That's unbelievable.

-# Boing, boing, boing. #

Warning. Never put boing-boing pants on back to front.

-Got it.

-Is it hard-hitting?

-Oh!

-Yeah.

Yes, it's You've Been Stupid!

The show that proves people do the dumbest things

and like you, me and my agent, capture them on camera.

Let's roll the first clip.

There's only one thing this man shouldn't do

and that's go near the water.

So, will he be smart? Forget it.

Enjoy your swim inside a shark.

This guy is ready to hit the treadmill, but hang on,

he's not thinking of jumping on while it's going?!

Now you can run through that big hole in your house.

Next time, we'll have a man riding a skateboard over his own head.

Reality TV is all the rage.

They'll put anyone on TV these days.

As long as it's real people doing real things.

-Nobody has asked for that!

-I did.

Day 999 in the Diddy Brother house and facing eviction tonight...

Diddy Dick, Diddy Dom. Susan, you know, that one..

And this bloke.

Hello, contestants. This is Diddy Brother. The results are in.

It's time to find out who is leaving the Diddy Brother house.

Psst. It could be him. Whatever his name is.

Erm... Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules November Spartacus Pot Plant

Under Crackers Rochester. Could it be any simpler?

-I hope it's not me.

-I hope it is you. You just giggle all the time.

-Even when you're angry!

-How dare you!

See?

Would you all just be quiet for one second and let me tell you?

I mean, really, the contestant leaving tonight is...

-It's him.

-Well, it's not me, that's for sure.

-It's not me.

It's him. It's not me, it's him. Listen...

THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER

-Oh, that is it! It's all of you. You're all evicted.

-What?

-What do you mean?

-Being incessantly annoying.

-I can't bear the sight nor sound of any of you any more.

-How rude.

Hang on, what about me? I mean, I haven't even done anything.

Oh, shut up, Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules November Spartacus

Pot Plant Under Crackers Rochester.

-You all have five seconds to leave the Diddy Brother house.

-Or what?

Or this...

Wait! Look.

-Food!

-What does he want, a programme or a pizza delivery?

Both, probably.

CRASHING Eh?

DOM STRAINS

Oh, just shove it in!

DOM STRAINS

Dave's choux pastry has turned out well, so now the delicate

-task of piping his chocolate.

-All right, Dave?

Yes. Er... Doing fine, Sally.

This is a really tricky bit, so I just need to

-concen...

-I'll leave you to it, then!

You don't need this bit, do you?

Edith has spent the last hour

carefully preparing her Chantilly cream.

-So, er, Edith...

-Hi, Moo!

-Can I try a little soupcon of cream?

Yes, well, it's at a very delicate stage.

Stage, yes.

AAAAGH!

Ten seconds left!

EDITH SOBS

So, with the finishing touches in place, it's time for Paul and

Mary to "d'eclair"...

-THUMP!

-Ow! ..their favourite.

-Oh, dearie me!

-You've let your bottom drop off.

-Mm.

-Yeah.

HE SOBS QUIETLY

Oh, dearie me. Edith, that is a disaster.

You've got saggy cream.

MARY TUTS

Ah! I've got to say, that...that is absolutely first-class. I...I'd

-be proud of that.

-Yes, indeed! First-class!

-Yeah.

-Exquisite!

-Well done.

-Very good. Very good.

-Well done.

-You should be proud.

-We have a winner!

-And for the losers, it's time for the

Cake Off Take Off!

-You like that, do ya?

-Stick that in your cakehole, you naughty...

Pizza's here.

No, no, no!

This is all your fault! You shouldn't have used stuffed crust.

Oh, we've got to get it out!

CREAKING

-Ooh...

-Oh, well. Could be worse.

LOUD CREAKING

Knickers.

-Urgh!

-Ugh!

-That was your fault.

-No, your fault!

-Your fault!

-It was your fault!

-It was your fault!

-Your fault!

-Your fault!

Oh, well. Could be worse.

Oh, well. Could be worse.

Could be worse.

Could be worse.

Could be worse...

Could be worse. TRAIN HOOTER BLARES

-BOTH:

-# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #