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It's Christmas Diddy TV

It's Christmas

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# Larry Weinsteinburger, the Diddy Movies boss

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# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

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# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

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# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

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# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station

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# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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It's Christmas here on Diddy TV.

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Course it is, it's Christmas everywhere.

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We don't live in a big time bubble or something.

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MasterSanta!

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-WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Hello! I'm John Shouty!

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And I'm Gregg Potato and welcome to MasterSanta.

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Keith! Leonard! Welcome to MasterSanta.

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The search to find Britain's best amateur Santa

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-is on.

-Keith!

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Will you be decking my halls?!

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Or will you be decking my patio?

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Leonard!

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Will you be pulling my cracker?!

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Will you be jingling my bells?

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Let's find out.

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We all know a good Santa can munch a mince pie.

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But who can munch the most?

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Go.

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-On-nom-nom...!

-Om-nom...!

-One minute!

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30 seconds!

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Quarter to three!

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A week last Tuesday!

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The square root of 16!

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The 8:15 from Paris!

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Numbers!

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Well done, Keith. Well done.

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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the city

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Not a creature was stirring, not even a Diddy

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Then Santa came in to this vision of calm

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And foolishly set off...

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THE SANTA ALARM! ALARM BLARES

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Hold it right there, Santa.

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I've made a list.

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I've checked it twice and you're not leaving here

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till I've got the lot of it.

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Number one - five-speed bicycle.

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A smart TV, a games console, a superhero costume,

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an MP3 player, monkey wrench,

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strawberry porridge machine,

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spanner, speedboat,

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and a weekend in Mansfield.

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Fit a Santa alarm this Christmas

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and make sure you get what you're entitled to!

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Here, Santa's all about presents,

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but can you figure what's inside from the feel?

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Keith.

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Is it a car?

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Open it, then.

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CHAINSAW WHIRS

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Ooh! A car!

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What about you, Leonard?

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A tennis racket!

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Open it!

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WHIRRING

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Uh?!

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THEY TUT

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Know your reindeer, Leonard?

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Uh, Rudolf...

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..Dasher...

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Blixen...

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-..Dopey?

-Huh!

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-Mr Tickle.

-HE GUFFAWS

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-Sandra?

-HE HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

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It's time to put this all together

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and find out who's going to be crowned MasterSanta.

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Go!

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Right, I want a bike.

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You're learning.

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OK, Keith, it's your turn - go!

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HE GRUNTS AND HOLLERS

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Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, mate!

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Looks like you've choked in the chimney.

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-KEITH YELLS

-So...

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we have a winner.

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This year's MasterSanta is you, Leonard.

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Get me out of here!

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# 'Tis the season to watch telly

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# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la

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# Watch TV and fill your belly

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# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la

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# Christmas specials, they're so festive

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# Watch them while pud's digestin'

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# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la... #

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Larry, I love Christmas.

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It's a time for all the family.

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Ha-ha!

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-More telly, Eamonn?

-More telly, Larry.

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# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la. #

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It's good to remember the less fortunate at this time of year,

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such as the contestants of this show.

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Stars In Their Pies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to the Stars In Their Pies Christmas special.

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CHEERING

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Yes, this is the show that allows members of the general public

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to be a star for the day.

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-Just so long as that star is... ALL:

-..baked in a pie!

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Now you're getting it!

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So tonight's fantastic festive filo favourite

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is Claire McCoy from Colchester.

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CHEERING

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Hello, Claire.

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What do we need to know about you?

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Well, Mike, I'm a drain inspector with no sense of smell.

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-Oh, and I can also armpit trump Jingle Bells!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

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Well, go on and do it, let's be hearing it!

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SHE TRUMPS MELODY OF "JINGLE BELLS"

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AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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THEY COUGH AND SPLUTTER

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So, Claire, do you like stars?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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And do you like pies?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Well, you've come to the right place,

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because it's time to play Stars In Their Pies!

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But first, Claire,

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give us a clue as to who you're going to be for us tonight.

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Well, Mike, this star was born in 1944

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in Atlanta, Georgia.

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She's most famous for singing Christmas songs

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and like all good pies, she's been covered over 100 times.

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Not with gravy, I hope!

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LAUGHTER

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HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH ALONE

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-No.

-Now, what about that all-important pie?

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It's the pie you can only get at this time of year.

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It used to be full of mutton, but now it's a calorific sweet treat.

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I think we know what to expect,

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so, Claire, if you'd like to go off and get changed.

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Now, tonight, on Stars In Their Pies,

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it's time for Claire McCoy from Colchester

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to get us all rockin' around that Christmas tree

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as she becomes... CHEERING

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..Brenda Lee baked in a traditional mince pie

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topped with lots of whipped cream.

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Take it away, Claire.

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CHEERING, AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MELODY

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# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

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# At the Christmas party hop

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# Mistletoe hung where you can see

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# Every couple tries to stop

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# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

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# Have a happy holiday... #

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CHEERING It's snowing!

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# Everyone dancing merrily

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# In the new old-fashioned way! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That's all we've got time for this week,

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so merry Christmas!

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CHEERING

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SHE SHRIEKS

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Now, time for a Christmas treat from the archives.

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They're on every year, it's always the same -

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it's Skeggy & Dumb.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.

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Oh, now, folks, have we got a show for you tonight?

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Have we got a show for you tonight!

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-Have we got a show for them tonight?

-I don't know.

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Hey, why don't you introduce tonight's special guest?

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Oh, yes, oh, yes. Would you please welcome...

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DRUMROLL

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..Miss Angela Gibbons!

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Oh, yes!

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APPLAUSE

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Hello!

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Hello, sir.

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"Hello, sir"!

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Is it the ad breaks?

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Who's she?

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A newsreader or something.

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Always is.

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HE CHUCKLES

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# ..two, three, four, bacon!

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# And eggs

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# And lots of baked beans, lots of baked beans, lots of baked beans

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-# Bacon!

-Eggs!

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# Lots of baked beans, lots of baked beans, baked beans

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-# Bacon!

-And eggs

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# And lots of baked beans, lots of baked beans, lots of baked beans

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# Bacon

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# Eggs

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# Lots of baked beans, lots of baked beans, baked beans

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ALL: # Guess what we had for our tea! #

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APPLAUSE

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I'll smash your face in.

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HE CHORTLES

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As funny today as it's always been.

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You can't have Christmas without Skeggy & Dumb, can you?

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It's a tradition, like roasting chestnuts.

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Exactly, or picking the worst card from the selection box

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and sending it to people you don't like!

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Or stripping down to your underwear and having

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a snowball fight in the streets!

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LAUGHTER DIES DOWN

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Or was that just my family?

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Well, ladies and gentlemen,

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I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.

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Thank you for watching and merry Christmas

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and happy 1973.

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-Yes. Pardon?

-Eh?

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-Just do the song.

-All right.

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-# Boom!

-Ooh!

-Ya-ta-ta-tow!

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# Boom! Ya-ta-ta-tow!

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-# Boom!

-Ooh!

-Ya-ta-ta-tow!

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-# Boom!

-Ooh!

-Ya-ta-ta-tow...! #

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Keep going, keep going.

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-# Boom!

-Ooh!

-Ya-ta-ta-tow!

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# Boom...! #

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Is it the holidays? Is it the holidays?! IS IT THE HOLIDAYS?!

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CHEERING

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Yes, it's the holidays and time for

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Strictly Come Christmas Booby Trapped!

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Please welcome Caroline Flinny and Kevin Didditon,

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dancing the tango...

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..with booby traps.

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I'm scared, Kevin.

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Oh, don't worry, Flicky - all you have to do is follow my lead.

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LATINO MUSIC PLAYS

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CREAKING, HE EXCLAIMS

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THEY YELP

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BUBBLING

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THEY GRUNT AND EXCLAIM

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-CHEERING

-Oh, dear.

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Judges, your scores.

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Len Len Half-Past-Ten?

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Whoa, eh?! Walnuts! Phweh! Have it!

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Tell you what that was - explosive!

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Full of emotion and cranberry sauce.

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In a way, it was a Christmas present to all of us.

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It's rousing 10,000!

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CHEERING

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Craig Bag-Of-Revels.

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Well, darlings, I know it's Christmas and I should be nice,

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but if you're going to drown in a festive condiment,

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at least do it in style.

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No score from me.

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BOOING

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Eww! Kevin!

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Diddy Bussell.

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Rubbish!

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But...Christmas rubbish.

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Ten!

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CHEERING

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Way-hay!

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And Bruno Ravioli?

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Darlings...

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The way the berry sauce covered you up, oh! It's magnificato...

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HE EXCLAIMS IN COD ITALIAN

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I'm giving you...

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..a ten!

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CHEERING Ten!

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BUBBLING

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Join us next time for more Strictly Come Booby Trapped!

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Anyone else want some cranberry sauce?

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Oh, suit yourselves.

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It's disgusting.

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Shut your face, Len.

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I've watched so much telly,

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I feel like I'm wearing chilli powder contact lenses.

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I've eaten so much,

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my jaws are now strong enough to bite through coconuts.

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I haven't moved from this sofa for five hours.

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And I've needed to go to the toilet for four hours and 30 minutes.

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-BOTH:

-Best Christmas ever!

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Telly Christmas, everyone! Yay!

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And so all that remains is for me to wish you a very Diddy Christmas.

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Oh, that's me! A very Diddy Christmas.

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

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# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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