Divide and Conquer Diddy TV


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Divide and Conquer

Diddy Dick and Dom have their very own TV station. Featuring The Dimgineers, This is Pointless, and Strictly Come Dancing star Craig Revell Horwood.


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# Look! We're back! It's Diddy TV Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

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# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny

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# The ratings were astounding But they just ran out of money

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# But now we're back in business

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# To bring you fun and laughter

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# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a DAFTA

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# Diddy TV Diddy TV

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# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

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# We're going to try and buy the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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Welcome to Diddy TV - an absolute monstrosity of a TV channel,

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made out of any old tat we found lying around.

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And that's an idea stolen by... The Dimgineers!

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Hello, I'm Joe Wotcha.

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-And I'm Lauren Squeaky.

-And together we are...

-BOTH: The Dimgineers!

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This is the show that puts you in charge

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of building your own dream den.

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-Not us. You.

-You! All right? Over there is Sammy.

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Once, Sammy was proper stung by a wasp.

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So to make up for it, we're building her a shed.

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Sammy has no idea she's about to get the surprise of her life!

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What are you doing in me garden?

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-We're the Dimgineers!

-Come to build you a den!

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Erm, can I just have the money?

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So, Sammy, what kind of fab-u-lous den would you like?

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Oh, a dance studio, please!

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I'd love somewhere where I could dance

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then post videos of it to my friends.

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Oh. Has that given the Dimgineers some ideas!

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BOTH: Er-r-r-r-r...

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-Dimgineers, let's get building!

-Oh, and Sammy - no peeking!

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Time for the big reveal!

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You said you were into posting things to your friends.

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So we've built you your very own post office queue den!

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Cashier number four, please.

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Look, there's leaflets, screwed-up paper,

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there's even old-fashioned greetings cards.

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And I've shredded all your useless dance shoes

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and upcycled them into these biros!

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-BOTH: Cool, yeah?

-I can tell she loves it.

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Dimgineers - job done!

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-SOBS

-Cashier number four, please.

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Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the head of a dog?"

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Well, now you can!

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We at Woof Woof Head Swap Laboratories Inc

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can make this dream come true.

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There are loads of advantages to having a dog's head.

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-For example, you could, erm... Just loads of advantages.

-I love it.

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But is it safe to replace your head with a dog's head?

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We don't know. Probably.

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What we do know, however, is that our safety record is excellent.

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Well, that's put my mind at ease

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but I still don't see the point in putting a dog's...

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Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the body of a dog!"

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Well, now you can!

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Get it done as a surprise for your partner on their birthday.

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-What have you done?

-So why not pop along to our surgery?

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It's woofterful.

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Thanks for all your tweets and e-mails

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that say the same three words - "this is pointless"!

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Well, your cries of anguish have been heard

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and turned into their very own quiz show!

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-This Is Pointless!

-APPLAUSE

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-Want me to get them to do what?

-Cue!

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Hello and welcome to This Is Pointless -

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the pointless quiz show where you win nothing at all,

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not even your bus fare home.

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-I'm joined by my pointless friend with a pointless computer.

-Duh.

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And tonight we're joined by Ivan and Claire.

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Say "fairy cakes". BOTH: Fairy cakes.

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So it's on to Round One, and round one is a picture round.

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I'm going to ask you to have a careful look at the screen

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and stare at a picture of my face for three seconds.

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Let's have a look.

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GONG SOUNDS

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OK, so no points there. Hope that you got the answer right at home.

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-I don't get it. You didn't even ask a question.

-Did I get it right?

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On to our second round. Let's take a look at the board.

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Oh, that's a tough one. Ivan, can you talk us through the board?

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Erm, well, there's "push the button",

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"push the button" and "push the button".

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Hm, sure. So, what's it going to be?

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-Push the button!

-Thanks!

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Push the button!

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Great choice. I think it's what a lot of our viewers at home would have chosen as well.

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So, in front of you is a button and I'm going to ask you to push it.

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Are you ready? PUSH IT!

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No, it doesn't do anything.

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-The button does absolutely nothing.

-GONG SOUNDS

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So, let's take a look at what that's done to the scores.

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-Sadly, no points in that round.

-Oh, this is utterly ridiculous.

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He hasn't even said a word the entire time he's been here!

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And he hasn't even plugged in his computer! Furthermore, you!

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You haven't even asked a single question all night.

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-I mean, what's the point?

-BELL RINGS

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Another pointless point for Ivan, ladies and gentlemen.

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We have ourselves a pointless winner!

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-APPLAUSE

-This is pointless!

-That's the point!

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Did I win?

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# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer

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# The fun maths board game for all the family

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# Roll your dice Divide by three

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# Then using trigonometry

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# Substitute a binary factor

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# And set your course with a square protractor

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# Without the help of a calculator

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# Use pi as your denominator

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# Then move your piece on the radial arm

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# Of a Venn diagram and score a bar

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# Oh, no, you picked an algebra card

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# Don't despair, it's not that hard

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# Get x from the quadratic equation

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# Then execute and inverse rotation

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# Using simple mechanisms

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# Like parabolic logarithms

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# Add the fractions you have scored

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# To plot your vectors around the board

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# A short cut card that you could use

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# Will bypass the hypotenuse

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# The first to reach the Cartesian plane

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# Will be the winner of the game

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# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer

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# The fun maths board game for all the family. #

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Yeah.

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Divide and Conquer. Available now for just £24.99.

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Some people have suggested that Diddy TV

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has all the cultural depth of a toilet seat.

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But what's this? It's a programme about art so...

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BLOWS RASPBERRY

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I'm Olaf. I live for art.

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I draw, I paint, I wield a mighty hammer.

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Some call me the Art Viking.

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Hi, Olaf. Don't forget, today's the day of the big boat race in the park

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and, somewhat implausibly, I've entered you into it. See you there.

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Ugh. By Odin's eye patch!

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The big boat race, and I don't even have a boat!

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Better get my Viking on. HE GRUNTS

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Smashed it!

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Vikings were famous for their longboats so I'm going to build one

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out of this lightweight balsa wood and some waterproof superglue.

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I'm then going to painstakingly carve

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a fierce dragon figurehead into this block of wood.

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And finally I'm going to carefully paint some wicked Viking shields

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to strike fear into the hearts of mine enemies.

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And I'm going to do all of this Viking style!

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HEAVY METAL Ugh! Bludgeon! Destroy!

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Today is a good day to die! Ah-hah-hah!

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Now the red mist has faded, let's see how we got on.

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Arr! Epic!

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Wow, cool boat, Olaf!

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Yeah, I'm going to be Vi-king of the boat race!

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-He-he!

-Go.

-STARTING PISTOL

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HEAVY METAL

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Help! Help!

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WHISTLE BLOWS Winner!

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Today I've learned a valuable Art Viking lesson -

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if your friend overtakes you, don't give up,

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just smash their boat and watch them blub.

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Ha-ha! Farewell!

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Are you listening? It's time to go to bed!

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Don't you understand?

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Parents - they speak another language.

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-Luckily, there's a solution.

-For the last time...

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..it's time to go to bed!

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-That's not what your mother said!

-APP: Let's order a pizza!

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The Parent Translator app utilises the latest technology to

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digitally convert dialogue spoken in Parentese to kid chat - the

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internationally recognised language spoken by children worldwide.

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Thanks to a 99.999999999% accuracy rate, you can

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finally understand everything your parents say.

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We do not authorise the use of this app.

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APP: I smell.

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Hello and welcome to another non-award winning Diddy Chat

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with us, Diddy Dick and Diddy Dom.

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Now, sometimes on the show we have great guests.

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Sometimes we have guests who are rubbish but someone dropped out.

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But today we've got a megastar.

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Today, yes, we're joined, from Strictly Come Dancing,

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it's one of the judges, it's Craig Revel Horwood!

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-Hello, darlings.

-He called us darlings!

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Now, some people think you're horrible but we really like you.

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I'm adorable, darling. Look at me. I'm fab-u-lous!

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He said the catchphrase! He said the catchphrase!

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Craig, how did you get into showbiz?

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I worked my way up from the top as a dancer, actually.

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And then I became a choreographer and director

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and then I struck gold on Strictly Come Dancing.

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What kind of things did you used to choreograph?

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-Lots of West End musicals. Things like that.

-Musicals.

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For that you need jazz hands, don't you? Let's see your jazz hands.

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-Yeah, look at that.

-Jazzy, jazzy.

-Jazz it up, darling. Jazz it up.

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Craig, one of our biggest fears is Strictly Come Dancing

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finishing forever or being axed.

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If it was axed, what else could be Strictly?

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Oh, well, there's a lot of things that could be Strictly.

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I could have my own chat show, for instance.

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-I think that could work nicely.

-Pilot it now. This could be it.

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-You are the chat show host and we are the guests.

-OK.

-Go.

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I'd like to start with a little dance

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and I'm going to do a tap dance with these wooden legs, darling.

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I don't know how that's going to go but let's have a go. Cha-cha-cha...

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MUSIC

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Slight movement.

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It's all about the arms, darling, you see.

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-Thank goodness for that.

-All about the arms.

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That's brilliant. But now what we'd like to see is you doing the same dance,

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but you're not allowed to move your arms.

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Hit it!

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MUSIC

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Stop the music. Well, I think you've got yourself a new chat show.

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-Oh, thank you.

-We could do other types of Strictly, couldn't we?

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I mean, we could do Strictly... Strictly Come Flabby. He'd win.

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Now, Craig Revel Horwood. You've been here on the sofa with us

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so we'd like to think of you as our friend.

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But we've also got another friend called Craig.

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Yes, this is our friend, Craig. WHEEZING

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He's very furry.

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-He's got a small air hole.

-Has he?

-Yeah.

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So I don't think he could do Strictly Come Dancing.

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Tell you what, let's find out what happens when he dances. Hit it!

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WHEEZING

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I think he's going to pass out!

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GRUNTS

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-Oh, Craig. Oh, Craig.

-Craig.

-I think he'd do rather well on Strictly.

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Thank you very much for coming on to the show,

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on to the sofa, for Diddy Chat.

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It's such an honour and a great pleasure to be here with you.

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-Sum it up in one word.

-Gorgeous.

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See you next time for more Diddy Chat.

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Yeah, see you next time, indeed.

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Although legally, I must point out we can't actually see you.

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We haven't installed webcams all over your house

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and aren't beaming them to the security services. Bye!

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# Diddy TV Diddy TV

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# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

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# We're going to try and buy the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

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# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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Diddy Dick and Dom have their very own TV station! Diddy TV (channel 6597423), brings you the very best in televisual entertainment. Featuring hard-hitting documentaries, brilliant game shows and award-winning dramas. Join Diddy TV for a line-up of top entertainment, including The Dimgineers, This is Pointless, and a Diddy Chat with Strictly Come Dancing star Craig Revell Horwood.