Divide and Conquer Diddy TV

# Look! We're back! It's Diddy TV Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny

# The ratings were astounding But they just ran out of money

# But now we're back in business

# To bring you fun and laughter

# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a DAFTA

# Diddy TV Diddy TV

# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

# We're going to try and buy the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

Welcome to Diddy TV - an absolute monstrosity of a TV channel,

made out of any old tat we found lying around.

And that's an idea stolen by... The Dimgineers!

Hello, I'm Joe Wotcha.

-And I'm Lauren Squeaky.

-And together we are...

-BOTH: The Dimgineers!

This is the show that puts you in charge

of building your own dream den.

-Not us. You.

-You! All right? Over there is Sammy.

Once, Sammy was proper stung by a wasp.

So to make up for it, we're building her a shed.

Sammy has no idea she's about to get the surprise of her life!

What are you doing in me garden?

-We're the Dimgineers!

-Come to build you a den!

Erm, can I just have the money?

So, Sammy, what kind of fab-u-lous den would you like?

Oh, a dance studio, please!

I'd love somewhere where I could dance

then post videos of it to my friends.

Oh. Has that given the Dimgineers some ideas!

BOTH: Er-r-r-r-r...

-Dimgineers, let's get building!

-Oh, and Sammy - no peeking!

Time for the big reveal!

You said you were into posting things to your friends.

So we've built you your very own post office queue den!

Cashier number four, please.

Look, there's leaflets, screwed-up paper,

there's even old-fashioned greetings cards.

And I've shredded all your useless dance shoes

and upcycled them into these biros!

-BOTH: Cool, yeah?

-I can tell she loves it.

Dimgineers - job done!

-SOBS

-Cashier number four, please.

Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the head of a dog?"

Well, now you can!

We at Woof Woof Head Swap Laboratories Inc

can make this dream come true.

There are loads of advantages to having a dog's head.

-For example, you could, erm... Just loads of advantages.

-I love it.

But is it safe to replace your head with a dog's head?

We don't know. Probably.

What we do know, however, is that our safety record is excellent.

Well, that's put my mind at ease

but I still don't see the point in putting a dog's...

Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the body of a dog!"

Well, now you can!

Get it done as a surprise for your partner on their birthday.

-What have you done?

-So why not pop along to our surgery?

It's woofterful.

Thanks for all your tweets and e-mails

that say the same three words - "this is pointless"!

Well, your cries of anguish have been heard

and turned into their very own quiz show!

-This Is Pointless!

-APPLAUSE

-Want me to get them to do what?

-Cue!

Hello and welcome to This Is Pointless -

the pointless quiz show where you win nothing at all,

not even your bus fare home.

-I'm joined by my pointless friend with a pointless computer.

-Duh.

And tonight we're joined by Ivan and Claire.

Say "fairy cakes". BOTH: Fairy cakes.

So it's on to Round One, and round one is a picture round.

I'm going to ask you to have a careful look at the screen

and stare at a picture of my face for three seconds.

Let's have a look.

GONG SOUNDS

OK, so no points there. Hope that you got the answer right at home.

-I don't get it. You didn't even ask a question.

-Did I get it right?

On to our second round. Let's take a look at the board.

Oh, that's a tough one. Ivan, can you talk us through the board?

Erm, well, there's "push the button",

"push the button" and "push the button".

Hm, sure. So, what's it going to be?

-Push the button!

-Thanks!

Push the button!

Great choice. I think it's what a lot of our viewers at home would have chosen as well.

So, in front of you is a button and I'm going to ask you to push it.

Are you ready? PUSH IT!

No, it doesn't do anything.

-The button does absolutely nothing.

-GONG SOUNDS

So, let's take a look at what that's done to the scores.

-Sadly, no points in that round.

-Oh, this is utterly ridiculous.

He hasn't even said a word the entire time he's been here!

And he hasn't even plugged in his computer! Furthermore, you!

You haven't even asked a single question all night.

-I mean, what's the point?

-BELL RINGS

Another pointless point for Ivan, ladies and gentlemen.

We have ourselves a pointless winner!

-APPLAUSE

-This is pointless!

-That's the point!

Did I win?

# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer

# The fun maths board game for all the family

# Roll your dice Divide by three

# Then using trigonometry

# Substitute a binary factor

# And set your course with a square protractor

# Without the help of a calculator

# Use pi as your denominator

# Then move your piece on the radial arm

# Of a Venn diagram and score a bar

# Oh, no, you picked an algebra card

# Don't despair, it's not that hard

# Get x from the quadratic equation

# Then execute and inverse rotation

# Using simple mechanisms

# Like parabolic logarithms

# Add the fractions you have scored

# To plot your vectors around the board

# A short cut card that you could use

# Will bypass the hypotenuse

# The first to reach the Cartesian plane

# Will be the winner of the game

# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer

# The fun maths board game for all the family. #

Yeah.

Divide and Conquer. Available now for just £24.99.

Some people have suggested that Diddy TV

has all the cultural depth of a toilet seat.

But what's this? It's a programme about art so...

BLOWS RASPBERRY

I'm Olaf. I live for art.

I draw, I paint, I wield a mighty hammer.

Some call me the Art Viking.

Hi, Olaf. Don't forget, today's the day of the big boat race in the park

and, somewhat implausibly, I've entered you into it. See you there.

Ugh. By Odin's eye patch!

The big boat race, and I don't even have a boat!

Better get my Viking on. HE GRUNTS

Smashed it!

Vikings were famous for their longboats so I'm going to build one

out of this lightweight balsa wood and some waterproof superglue.

I'm then going to painstakingly carve

a fierce dragon figurehead into this block of wood.

And finally I'm going to carefully paint some wicked Viking shields

to strike fear into the hearts of mine enemies.

And I'm going to do all of this Viking style!

HEAVY METAL Ugh! Bludgeon! Destroy!

Today is a good day to die! Ah-hah-hah!

Now the red mist has faded, let's see how we got on.

Arr! Epic!

Wow, cool boat, Olaf!

Yeah, I'm going to be Vi-king of the boat race!

-He-he!

-Go.

-STARTING PISTOL

HEAVY METAL

Help! Help!

WHISTLE BLOWS Winner!

Today I've learned a valuable Art Viking lesson -

if your friend overtakes you, don't give up,

just smash their boat and watch them blub.

Ha-ha! Farewell!

Are you listening? It's time to go to bed!

Don't you understand?

Parents - they speak another language.

-Luckily, there's a solution.

-For the last time...

..it's time to go to bed!

-That's not what your mother said!

-APP: Let's order a pizza!

The Parent Translator app utilises the latest technology to

digitally convert dialogue spoken in Parentese to kid chat - the

internationally recognised language spoken by children worldwide.

Thanks to a 99.999999999% accuracy rate, you can

finally understand everything your parents say.

We do not authorise the use of this app.

APP: I smell.

Hello and welcome to another non-award winning Diddy Chat

with us, Diddy Dick and Diddy Dom.

Now, sometimes on the show we have great guests.

Sometimes we have guests who are rubbish but someone dropped out.

But today we've got a megastar.

Today, yes, we're joined, from Strictly Come Dancing,

it's one of the judges, it's Craig Revel Horwood!

-Hello, darlings.

-He called us darlings!

Now, some people think you're horrible but we really like you.

I'm adorable, darling. Look at me. I'm fab-u-lous!

He said the catchphrase! He said the catchphrase!

Craig, how did you get into showbiz?

I worked my way up from the top as a dancer, actually.

And then I became a choreographer and director

and then I struck gold on Strictly Come Dancing.

What kind of things did you used to choreograph?

-Lots of West End musicals. Things like that.

-Musicals.

For that you need jazz hands, don't you? Let's see your jazz hands.

-Yeah, look at that.

-Jazzy, jazzy.

-Jazz it up, darling. Jazz it up.

Craig, one of our biggest fears is Strictly Come Dancing

finishing forever or being axed.

If it was axed, what else could be Strictly?

Oh, well, there's a lot of things that could be Strictly.

I could have my own chat show, for instance.

-I think that could work nicely.

-Pilot it now. This could be it.

-You are the chat show host and we are the guests.

-OK.

-Go.

I'd like to start with a little dance

and I'm going to do a tap dance with these wooden legs, darling.

I don't know how that's going to go but let's have a go. Cha-cha-cha...

MUSIC

Slight movement.

It's all about the arms, darling, you see.

-Thank goodness for that.

-All about the arms.

That's brilliant. But now what we'd like to see is you doing the same dance,

but you're not allowed to move your arms.

Hit it!

MUSIC

Stop the music. Well, I think you've got yourself a new chat show.

-Oh, thank you.

-We could do other types of Strictly, couldn't we?

I mean, we could do Strictly... Strictly Come Flabby. He'd win.

Now, Craig Revel Horwood. You've been here on the sofa with us

so we'd like to think of you as our friend.

But we've also got another friend called Craig.

Yes, this is our friend, Craig. WHEEZING

He's very furry.

-He's got a small air hole.

-Has he?

-Yeah.

So I don't think he could do Strictly Come Dancing.

Tell you what, let's find out what happens when he dances. Hit it!

WHEEZING

I think he's going to pass out!

GRUNTS

-Oh, Craig. Oh, Craig.

-Craig.

-I think he'd do rather well on Strictly.

Thank you very much for coming on to the show,

on to the sofa, for Diddy Chat.

It's such an honour and a great pleasure to be here with you.

-Sum it up in one word.

-Gorgeous.

See you next time for more Diddy Chat.

Yeah, see you next time, indeed.

Although legally, I must point out we can't actually see you.

We haven't installed webcams all over your house

and aren't beaming them to the security services. Bye!

# Diddy TV Diddy TV

# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3

# We're going to try and buy the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #