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# Look! We're back! It's Diddy TV Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3 | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
# The ratings were astounding But they just ran out of money | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# But now we're back in business | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
# To bring you fun and laughter | 0:00:14 | 0:00:16 | |
# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a DAFTA | 0:00:16 | 0:00:19 | |
# Diddy TV Diddy TV | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3 | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
# We're going to try and buy the BBC | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. # | 0:00:28 | 0:00:34 | |
Welcome to Diddy TV - an absolute monstrosity of a TV channel, | 0:00:34 | 0:00:38 | |
made out of any old tat we found lying around. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
And that's an idea stolen by... The Dimgineers! | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
Hello, I'm Joe Wotcha. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
-And I'm Lauren Squeaky. -And together we are... -BOTH: The Dimgineers! | 0:00:46 | 0:00:51 | |
This is the show that puts you in charge | 0:00:59 | 0:01:00 | |
of building your own dream den. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
-Not us. You. -You! All right? Over there is Sammy. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:08 | |
Once, Sammy was proper stung by a wasp. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
So to make up for it, we're building her a shed. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Sammy has no idea she's about to get the surprise of her life! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
What are you doing in me garden? | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
-We're the Dimgineers! -Come to build you a den! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Erm, can I just have the money? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
So, Sammy, what kind of fab-u-lous den would you like? | 0:01:33 | 0:01:37 | |
Oh, a dance studio, please! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
I'd love somewhere where I could dance | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
then post videos of it to my friends. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Oh. Has that given the Dimgineers some ideas! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
BOTH: Er-r-r-r-r... | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
-Dimgineers, let's get building! -Oh, and Sammy - no peeking! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:04 | |
Time for the big reveal! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
You said you were into posting things to your friends. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
So we've built you your very own post office queue den! | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
Cashier number four, please. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
Look, there's leaflets, screwed-up paper, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
there's even old-fashioned greetings cards. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
And I've shredded all your useless dance shoes | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
and upcycled them into these biros! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
-BOTH: Cool, yeah? -I can tell she loves it. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
Dimgineers - job done! | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
-SOBS -Cashier number four, please. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the head of a dog?" | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Well, now you can! | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
We at Woof Woof Head Swap Laboratories Inc | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
can make this dream come true. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
There are loads of advantages to having a dog's head. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
-For example, you could, erm... Just loads of advantages. -I love it. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:10 | |
But is it safe to replace your head with a dog's head? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
We don't know. Probably. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
What we do know, however, is that our safety record is excellent. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
Well, that's put my mind at ease | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
but I still don't see the point in putting a dog's... | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the body of a dog!" | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
Well, now you can! | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
Get it done as a surprise for your partner on their birthday. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
-What have you done? -So why not pop along to our surgery? | 0:03:39 | 0:03:44 | |
It's woofterful. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Thanks for all your tweets and e-mails | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
that say the same three words - "this is pointless"! | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
Well, your cries of anguish have been heard | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
and turned into their very own quiz show! | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
-This Is Pointless! -APPLAUSE | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
-Want me to get them to do what? -Cue! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
Hello and welcome to This Is Pointless - | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
the pointless quiz show where you win nothing at all, | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
not even your bus fare home. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
-I'm joined by my pointless friend with a pointless computer. -Duh. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
And tonight we're joined by Ivan and Claire. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Say "fairy cakes". BOTH: Fairy cakes. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
So it's on to Round One, and round one is a picture round. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:31 | |
I'm going to ask you to have a careful look at the screen | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
and stare at a picture of my face for three seconds. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
GONG SOUNDS | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
OK, so no points there. Hope that you got the answer right at home. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
-I don't get it. You didn't even ask a question. -Did I get it right? | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
On to our second round. Let's take a look at the board. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
Oh, that's a tough one. Ivan, can you talk us through the board? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Erm, well, there's "push the button", | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
"push the button" and "push the button". | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Hm, sure. So, what's it going to be? | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
-Push the button! -Thanks! | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
Push the button! | 0:05:14 | 0:05:15 | |
Great choice. I think it's what a lot of our viewers at home would have chosen as well. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:20 | |
So, in front of you is a button and I'm going to ask you to push it. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
Are you ready? PUSH IT! | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
No, it doesn't do anything. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
-The button does absolutely nothing. -GONG SOUNDS | 0:05:31 | 0:05:35 | |
So, let's take a look at what that's done to the scores. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
-Sadly, no points in that round. -Oh, this is utterly ridiculous. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:44 | |
He hasn't even said a word the entire time he's been here! | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
And he hasn't even plugged in his computer! Furthermore, you! | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
You haven't even asked a single question all night. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
-I mean, what's the point? -BELL RINGS | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
Another pointless point for Ivan, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
We have ourselves a pointless winner! | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
-APPLAUSE -This is pointless! -That's the point! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
Did I win? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
# The fun maths board game for all the family | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
# Roll your dice Divide by three | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
# Then using trigonometry | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
# Substitute a binary factor | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
# And set your course with a square protractor | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
# Without the help of a calculator | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
# Use pi as your denominator | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
# Then move your piece on the radial arm | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
# Of a Venn diagram and score a bar | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
# Oh, no, you picked an algebra card | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
# Don't despair, it's not that hard | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
# Get x from the quadratic equation | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
# Then execute and inverse rotation | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
# Using simple mechanisms | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
# Like parabolic logarithms | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
# Add the fractions you have scored | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
# To plot your vectors around the board | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
# A short cut card that you could use | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
# Will bypass the hypotenuse | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
# The first to reach the Cartesian plane | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
# Will be the winner of the game | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
# The fun maths board game for all the family. # | 0:07:13 | 0:07:17 | |
Yeah. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:18 | |
Divide and Conquer. Available now for just £24.99. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:22 | |
Some people have suggested that Diddy TV | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
has all the cultural depth of a toilet seat. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
But what's this? It's a programme about art so... | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
BLOWS RASPBERRY | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
I'm Olaf. I live for art. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
I draw, I paint, I wield a mighty hammer. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
Some call me the Art Viking. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Hi, Olaf. Don't forget, today's the day of the big boat race in the park | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
and, somewhat implausibly, I've entered you into it. See you there. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:56 | |
Ugh. By Odin's eye patch! | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
The big boat race, and I don't even have a boat! | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Better get my Viking on. HE GRUNTS | 0:08:02 | 0:08:07 | |
Smashed it! | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
Vikings were famous for their longboats so I'm going to build one | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
out of this lightweight balsa wood and some waterproof superglue. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:18 | |
I'm then going to painstakingly carve | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
a fierce dragon figurehead into this block of wood. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
And finally I'm going to carefully paint some wicked Viking shields | 0:08:23 | 0:08:30 | |
to strike fear into the hearts of mine enemies. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
And I'm going to do all of this Viking style! | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
HEAVY METAL Ugh! Bludgeon! Destroy! | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
Today is a good day to die! Ah-hah-hah! | 0:08:41 | 0:08:45 | |
Now the red mist has faded, let's see how we got on. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Arr! Epic! | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
Wow, cool boat, Olaf! | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
Yeah, I'm going to be Vi-king of the boat race! | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
-He-he! -Go. -STARTING PISTOL | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
HEAVY METAL | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Help! Help! | 0:09:13 | 0:09:14 | |
WHISTLE BLOWS Winner! | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
Today I've learned a valuable Art Viking lesson - | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
if your friend overtakes you, don't give up, | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
just smash their boat and watch them blub. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
Ha-ha! Farewell! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Are you listening? It's time to go to bed! | 0:09:34 | 0:09:38 | |
Don't you understand? | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Parents - they speak another language. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
-Luckily, there's a solution. -For the last time... | 0:09:42 | 0:09:47 | |
..it's time to go to bed! | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
-That's not what your mother said! -APP: Let's order a pizza! | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
The Parent Translator app utilises the latest technology to | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
digitally convert dialogue spoken in Parentese to kid chat - the | 0:09:57 | 0:10:01 | |
internationally recognised language spoken by children worldwide. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:05 | |
Thanks to a 99.999999999% accuracy rate, you can | 0:10:05 | 0:10:10 | |
finally understand everything your parents say. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
We do not authorise the use of this app. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
APP: I smell. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
Hello and welcome to another non-award winning Diddy Chat | 0:10:27 | 0:10:31 | |
with us, Diddy Dick and Diddy Dom. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Now, sometimes on the show we have great guests. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Sometimes we have guests who are rubbish but someone dropped out. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
But today we've got a megastar. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
Today, yes, we're joined, from Strictly Come Dancing, | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
it's one of the judges, it's Craig Revel Horwood! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
-Hello, darlings. -He called us darlings! | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Now, some people think you're horrible but we really like you. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
I'm adorable, darling. Look at me. I'm fab-u-lous! | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
He said the catchphrase! He said the catchphrase! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
Craig, how did you get into showbiz? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
I worked my way up from the top as a dancer, actually. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:11 | |
And then I became a choreographer and director | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
and then I struck gold on Strictly Come Dancing. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:19 | |
What kind of things did you used to choreograph? | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
-Lots of West End musicals. Things like that. -Musicals. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
For that you need jazz hands, don't you? Let's see your jazz hands. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
-Yeah, look at that. -Jazzy, jazzy. -Jazz it up, darling. Jazz it up. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
Craig, one of our biggest fears is Strictly Come Dancing | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
finishing forever or being axed. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
If it was axed, what else could be Strictly? | 0:11:37 | 0:11:41 | |
Oh, well, there's a lot of things that could be Strictly. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
I could have my own chat show, for instance. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
-I think that could work nicely. -Pilot it now. This could be it. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
-You are the chat show host and we are the guests. -OK. -Go. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
I'd like to start with a little dance | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
and I'm going to do a tap dance with these wooden legs, darling. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
I don't know how that's going to go but let's have a go. Cha-cha-cha... | 0:11:56 | 0:12:00 | |
MUSIC | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
Slight movement. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
It's all about the arms, darling, you see. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
-Thank goodness for that. -All about the arms. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
That's brilliant. But now what we'd like to see is you doing the same dance, | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
but you're not allowed to move your arms. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Hit it! | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
MUSIC | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Stop the music. Well, I think you've got yourself a new chat show. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
-Oh, thank you. -We could do other types of Strictly, couldn't we? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:32 | |
I mean, we could do Strictly... Strictly Come Flabby. He'd win. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:36 | |
Now, Craig Revel Horwood. You've been here on the sofa with us | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
so we'd like to think of you as our friend. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
But we've also got another friend called Craig. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
Yes, this is our friend, Craig. WHEEZING | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
He's very furry. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
-He's got a small air hole. -Has he? -Yeah. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
So I don't think he could do Strictly Come Dancing. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
Tell you what, let's find out what happens when he dances. Hit it! | 0:12:57 | 0:13:02 | |
WHEEZING | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
I think he's going to pass out! | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
GRUNTS | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
-Oh, Craig. Oh, Craig. -Craig. -I think he'd do rather well on Strictly. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:13 | |
Thank you very much for coming on to the show, | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
on to the sofa, for Diddy Chat. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
It's such an honour and a great pleasure to be here with you. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
-Sum it up in one word. -Gorgeous. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:24 | |
See you next time for more Diddy Chat. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
Yeah, see you next time, indeed. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
Although legally, I must point out we can't actually see you. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
We haven't installed webcams all over your house | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
and aren't beaming them to the security services. Bye! | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
# Diddy TV Diddy TV | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3 | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
# We're going to try and buy the BBC | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV | 0:13:47 | 0:13:51 | |
# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. # | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 |