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Diddy Pooper

Diddy Dick and Dom have their very own TV station. Featuring Ninja Diddy Worriers, and live coverage of The World Bundle Championship.


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# Look, we're back it's Diddy TV Channel 6597423

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# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny

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# The ratings were astounding But we just ran out of money

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# But now we're back in business To bring you fun and laughter

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# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a Dafta

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6597423

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# We're gonna try and buy the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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Welcome to Diddy TV, the Channel whose big programming idea is

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to insert the word Diddy into other people's programming ideas.

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And to begin, a classic example.

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Welcome to Diddy Ninja Worriers.

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-CHANTING:

-Beat the wall!

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Can any of today's contestants worry their way

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to the end of the course and conquer the Worried Wall?

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It's time to find out.

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KLAXON

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There's the klaxon. He's off.

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He's looking very confident, not very worried at all.

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-Did I leave the oven on?

-AUDIENCE GASP

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Oh, he's run into trouble already.

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Will he go home and check the oven or can he push through?

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-No, I turned it off.

-CHEERING

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Well, he seems to have quelled his fears there

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as he moves on to the parallel bars.

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-Looking good.

-Wait!

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It's the front door!

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-I didn't lock it!

-AUDIENCE GASP

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-He's risking burglars, people.

-Go on, then!

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Could this spell the end for our wannabe worrier?

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-Because my girlfriend locked it.

-CHEERING

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Oh, he's brushed that worry off with ease there

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and now he's moving on to a very, very tricky part of the course.

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-Did I feed the goldfish?

-AUDIENCE GASP

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-Yeah, I did, yeah.

-CHEERING

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Now, he wants to be very careful here. One slip...

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Ooh!

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No, he's all right. He's got over that.

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And look at him bouncing now without a care in the world.

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There he goes, up the scramble nets.

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-Did I put clean knickers on?

-AUDIENCE GASP

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-Yes, I did.

-Well, it seems sure he's forgotten something.

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That certainly wasn't it.

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Looks like his girlfriend has come to cheer him on.

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He's nearly at the Worried Wall.

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He could actually complete the course.

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-I can't believe you've forgotten my birthday!

-No...

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-Whee!

-SIREN WAILS

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And it's another wet wannabe worrier, people.

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See you next time.

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We've all been there.

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It's the end of the month and you've completely run out of squid.

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I've completely run out of squid!

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That's why at Quick Squid

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we can get you a squid discreetly, easily and, of course, quickly.

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-PHONE:

-Hello, Quick Squid?

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Just one call to our squid advisers

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and a squid could be with you in seconds.

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Aah!

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I was just about to go to my gran's house

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when I realised I didn't even have a squid on me.

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So I went straight onto Quick Squid and requested a squid online.

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Before I knew it,

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the squid had its big, lengthy tentacles wrapped around my face.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Thanks, Quick Squid!

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With instant approval, low monthly repayments

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and 0% interest from anyone,

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Quick Squid can help you out when you need a quick squid quick.

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Quick Squid.

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Diddy TV, the home of diddy entertainment.

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Or is it?

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We took 4,000 serious drama scripts, put them in a blender

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and squeezed out this.

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BELL TOLLS WOLF HOWLS

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THUNDER CRASHES

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Here it is, Generic Academy, a school for young people

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who lead a double life as a wizard/witch/anything cool.

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You look moody but hot.

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You must be Cute Dimples,

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the chosen werewolf who's going to save the world.

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And you must be Eve Something, my loyal friend.

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I guess about now we should do something weird.

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Me first.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS THUNDER CRASHES

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-Raa-ah-ah-ah.

-ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

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Wait, you're not real!

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You're a...robot!

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What is real? Who is Eve? How is potato?

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Bu-bu-buffering. Bu-buffering.

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Oh, no! And here comes the scary head teacher!

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I am Principal Grump and I am here to disapprove of everything.

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Why are neither of you talking back to me? Detention!

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And I'll be telling your parents.

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Oh, no, you can't do that, because we're all orphans.

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Dumped here because we had no true home.

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So you're our parent.

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In that case, exciting news - I'm getting married again

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so a whole other completely different sort of family

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will be moving in with us.

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Won't we be stuck in between?

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In a series of hilarious mishaps?

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See you, kids.

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Hang on! I think this explains it.

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We're in a parallel universe.

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You mean I'm a nowhere robot?

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Unless we find the magic talisman crystal stone cup

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in the secret attic before midnight...

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Cool. Got to post this on my Dixi.

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Hey, I was posting first.

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Major LOLs.

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There's only one thing for it. It's four o'clock, so let's...

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-BOTH:

-Rap!

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-BOTH:

-Peace.

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HORN BLARES

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# Be the envy of your neighbours and the folks that live next door

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# With a shiny, brand-new motor car A juicy 4x4

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# It's tiny, but it's beautiful It's really super-duper

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# It's naughty and it's sporty And it's called the Diddy Pooper

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# A hybrid wind and solar car that glides around with ease

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# It's very cheap to run when it's sunny with a breeze

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# It's got a single speaker for the hi-fi stereo

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# And a place to put your maps so you can work out where to go

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# It's a whole new way of driving The improvement is profound

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# We've put the throttle and the brake the other way around

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# The heater warms your body by using ultrasound

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# To switch the air conditioning on, just wind your window down

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# If you bring a wad of cash, we can offer you a deal

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# For an extra thousand quid, you can get a steering wheel

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# Power and performance that will leave you in a stupor

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# 0 to 60 by tonight, the super...

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# Diddy Pooper. # CRASH!

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Stupid car!

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Pomegranate.

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Fungus.

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You can find all these words and more in...

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..the dictionary.

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In 1896, the first modern Olympic Games were held in Athens,

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and in their pioneering spirit of sporting passion, its Bundle Ball!

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Welcome back to live coverage

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of the International Bundle Ball World Cup final.

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We're about to get underway with Lambert the Frenchman

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about to take the restart.

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I really don't mind if someone else wants to start.

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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SHOUTING

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Oh!

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Oh, that's one straight from the training ground there, Mike.

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Let's see that again.

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There really are some incredible skills on display there, Terry.

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Yeah, that's right, Mike.

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The whistle goes, everybody jumps on him.

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That's textbook bundle ball.

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-A hint of dangerous play.

-Oh, yes, Mike.

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There should be more than a hint of dangerous play.

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For those of you who are new to the game, here are the rules.

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If anyone has the ball, everyone jumps on them.

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If that's a bit complicated for you,

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there is a simplified version of our rules on our website.

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Oh, look, I see the speedy little Brazilian has got the ball.

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Yes, I... Oh!

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Great tackle there by...everyone.

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Aye, let's get down to pitch side

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and see what the injury list is looking like.

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Thanks, guys. News here is that everybody is injured.

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All of them.

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That's because this is a stupid sport.

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It's not even really a sport.

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It's a sport where you can't even really score.

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You just grab the ball and... Oh. Oh, oh, oh, no!

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CHEERING

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That's one for the blooper reel, Mike.

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Oh.

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This is going to be priceless.

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Oh, no!

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That really is all from me this week. No, no, no!

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SCREAMING

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Oh!

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Guys, but...but you haven't even got the ball!

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Guys? Guys!

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Oh, well. Bundle!

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Argh, mates, I be Patrick the Pirate,

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and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Fun Park.

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SHE CLEARS THROAT

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Oh, yes, yes.

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Hello, mates, I be Patrick the Pirate,

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and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Park.

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It will be the best day of your life.

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It will be one of the best days of your life.

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It will be one of the days of your life.

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Really?

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It be very, very dangerous down here.

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It could be the last day of your life.

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While you're here, why not get yourself a big hat like mine

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and stay for lunch? We've got delicious food.

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Well, we've got food.

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We've got stuff that looks like food.

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OK, we've got stuff that you can put in your mouth

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that technically could be called food,

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as long as you've got an ambulance standing by.

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Argh, argh, argh.

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So, I be Patrick the Pirate,

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and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Park.

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OK, fine.

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My name is not Patrick,

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it is Leonard and I am not a pirate.

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I am an actor!

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And, quite frankly, I don't have to do humiliating jobs like this.

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SHE CLEARS THROAT

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OK, fine. I do.

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Come down to Leonard's Park.

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If you're a doctor, they'll probably need you.

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This place is very dangerous.

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-Ah-argh.

-CRASH!

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Here at Diddy TV, we like to think of ourselves

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as caring and compassionate.

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In particular, we'll always be a friend

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to ailing, desperate, ancient TV presenters.

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We love 'em!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hey, how you doing?

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I'm Joey LeCool and this is Bottom Gear,

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the show all about gear for your bottom.

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-Bottom!

-HE LAUGHS

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I'm Chris Harsh, and whether it's Y-fronts,

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frilly knickers or the latest line of baggy bum bags,

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we'll be taking a serious look at them on this very serious show.

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Isn't that right, Rory Reid-iculous?

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-Yeah. Bum bags!

-HE LAUGHS

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Hey!

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It's time to see what's fresh in the laundry basket

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as I test drive the latest pants.

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BUCKLE CLINKS ZIP ZIPS

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I only agreed to do this show for one reason -

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to slip into a pair of these.

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Luxe-a-tuchie, the go-to name for the dedicated pant-head.

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And the latest Y-fronts have gone one step further.

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Introducing the Luxe-a-tuchie Z-fronts.

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The streamlined stitching and reinforced Kevlar gusset,

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capable of withstanding even the hottest of boil washes,

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all mean that you don't need to be a superhero

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to want to wear these underpants outside your trousers.

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I can confidently say that these are the most comfortable underpants

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that I've ever worn,

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and I've worn pants made of clouds and butterflies.

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Now here's my favourite feature - a remote-control rear wiper.

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With variable speed.

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If you don't slow down, you'll set off the...

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Hey!

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-BANG! Oh, how you doing?

-..twin airbags.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's just pretend that that never happened.

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-Sorry, Mr...

-Never happened!

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See you again next time on Bottom Gear.

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How you doing? Hey!

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6597423

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# We're going to try and buy the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

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# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

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A full schedule of Diddy TV that includes Ninja Diddy Worriers, live coverage of The World Bundle Championship, and a new series of Bottom Gear looking at some of the best pants on the market.