Diddy Pooper Diddy TV

# Look, we're back it's Diddy TV Channel 6597423

# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny

# The ratings were astounding But we just ran out of money

# But now we're back in business To bring you fun and laughter

# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a Dafta

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# We're gonna try and buy the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

Welcome to Diddy TV, the Channel whose big programming idea is

to insert the word Diddy into other people's programming ideas.

And to begin, a classic example.

Welcome to Diddy Ninja Worriers.

-CHANTING:

-Beat the wall!

Can any of today's contestants worry their way

to the end of the course and conquer the Worried Wall?

It's time to find out.

KLAXON

There's the klaxon. He's off.

He's looking very confident, not very worried at all.

-Did I leave the oven on?

-AUDIENCE GASP

Oh, he's run into trouble already.

Will he go home and check the oven or can he push through?

-No, I turned it off.

-CHEERING

Well, he seems to have quelled his fears there

as he moves on to the parallel bars.

-Looking good.

-Wait!

It's the front door!

-I didn't lock it!

-AUDIENCE GASP

-He's risking burglars, people.

-Go on, then!

Could this spell the end for our wannabe worrier?

-Because my girlfriend locked it.

-CHEERING

Oh, he's brushed that worry off with ease there

and now he's moving on to a very, very tricky part of the course.

-Did I feed the goldfish?

-AUDIENCE GASP

-Yeah, I did, yeah.

-CHEERING

Now, he wants to be very careful here. One slip...

Ooh!

No, he's all right. He's got over that.

And look at him bouncing now without a care in the world.

There he goes, up the scramble nets.

-Did I put clean knickers on?

-AUDIENCE GASP

-Yes, I did.

-Well, it seems sure he's forgotten something.

That certainly wasn't it.

Looks like his girlfriend has come to cheer him on.

He's nearly at the Worried Wall.

He could actually complete the course.

-I can't believe you've forgotten my birthday!

-No...

-Whee!

-SIREN WAILS

And it's another wet wannabe worrier, people.

See you next time.

We've all been there.

It's the end of the month and you've completely run out of squid.

I've completely run out of squid!

That's why at Quick Squid

we can get you a squid discreetly, easily and, of course, quickly.

-PHONE:

-Hello, Quick Squid?

Just one call to our squid advisers

and a squid could be with you in seconds.

Aah!

I was just about to go to my gran's house

when I realised I didn't even have a squid on me.

So I went straight onto Quick Squid and requested a squid online.

Before I knew it,

the squid had its big, lengthy tentacles wrapped around my face.

SHE LAUGHS

Thanks, Quick Squid!

With instant approval, low monthly repayments

and 0% interest from anyone,

Quick Squid can help you out when you need a quick squid quick.

Quick Squid.

Diddy TV, the home of diddy entertainment.

Or is it?

We took 4,000 serious drama scripts, put them in a blender

and squeezed out this.

BELL TOLLS WOLF HOWLS

THUNDER CRASHES

Here it is, Generic Academy, a school for young people

who lead a double life as a wizard/witch/anything cool.

You look moody but hot.

You must be Cute Dimples,

the chosen werewolf who's going to save the world.

And you must be Eve Something, my loyal friend.

I guess about now we should do something weird.

Me first.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS THUNDER CRASHES

-Raa-ah-ah-ah.

-ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Wait, you're not real!

You're a...robot!

What is real? Who is Eve? How is potato?

Bu-bu-buffering. Bu-buffering.

Oh, no! And here comes the scary head teacher!

I am Principal Grump and I am here to disapprove of everything.

Why are neither of you talking back to me? Detention!

And I'll be telling your parents.

Oh, no, you can't do that, because we're all orphans.

Dumped here because we had no true home.

So you're our parent.

In that case, exciting news - I'm getting married again

so a whole other completely different sort of family

will be moving in with us.

Won't we be stuck in between?

In a series of hilarious mishaps?

See you, kids.

Hang on! I think this explains it.

We're in a parallel universe.

You mean I'm a nowhere robot?

Unless we find the magic talisman crystal stone cup

in the secret attic before midnight...

Cool. Got to post this on my Dixi.

Hey, I was posting first.

Major LOLs.

There's only one thing for it. It's four o'clock, so let's...

-BOTH:

-Rap!

-BOTH:

-Peace.

HORN BLARES

# Be the envy of your neighbours and the folks that live next door

# With a shiny, brand-new motor car A juicy 4x4

# It's tiny, but it's beautiful It's really super-duper

# It's naughty and it's sporty And it's called the Diddy Pooper

# A hybrid wind and solar car that glides around with ease

# It's very cheap to run when it's sunny with a breeze

# It's got a single speaker for the hi-fi stereo

# And a place to put your maps so you can work out where to go

# It's a whole new way of driving The improvement is profound

# We've put the throttle and the brake the other way around

# The heater warms your body by using ultrasound

# To switch the air conditioning on, just wind your window down

# If you bring a wad of cash, we can offer you a deal

# For an extra thousand quid, you can get a steering wheel

# Power and performance that will leave you in a stupor

# 0 to 60 by tonight, the super...

# Diddy Pooper. # CRASH!

Stupid car!

Pomegranate.

Fungus.

You can find all these words and more in...

..the dictionary.

In 1896, the first modern Olympic Games were held in Athens,

and in their pioneering spirit of sporting passion, its Bundle Ball!

Welcome back to live coverage

of the International Bundle Ball World Cup final.

We're about to get underway with Lambert the Frenchman

about to take the restart.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I really don't mind if someone else wants to start.

WHISTLE BLOWS

SHOUTING

Oh!

Oh, that's one straight from the training ground there, Mike.

Let's see that again.

There really are some incredible skills on display there, Terry.

Yeah, that's right, Mike.

The whistle goes, everybody jumps on him.

That's textbook bundle ball.

-A hint of dangerous play.

-Oh, yes, Mike.

There should be more than a hint of dangerous play.

For those of you who are new to the game, here are the rules.

If anyone has the ball, everyone jumps on them.

If that's a bit complicated for you,

there is a simplified version of our rules on our website.

Oh, look, I see the speedy little Brazilian has got the ball.

Yes, I... Oh!

Great tackle there by...everyone.

Aye, let's get down to pitch side

and see what the injury list is looking like.

Thanks, guys. News here is that everybody is injured.

All of them.

That's because this is a stupid sport.

It's not even really a sport.

It's a sport where you can't even really score.

You just grab the ball and... Oh. Oh, oh, oh, no!

CHEERING

That's one for the blooper reel, Mike.

Oh.

This is going to be priceless.

Oh, no!

That really is all from me this week. No, no, no!

SCREAMING

Oh!

Guys, but...but you haven't even got the ball!

Guys? Guys!

Oh, well. Bundle!

Argh, mates, I be Patrick the Pirate,

and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Fun Park.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Oh, yes, yes.

Hello, mates, I be Patrick the Pirate,

and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Park.

It will be the best day of your life.

It will be one of the best days of your life.

It will be one of the days of your life.

Really?

It be very, very dangerous down here.

It could be the last day of your life.

While you're here, why not get yourself a big hat like mine

and stay for lunch? We've got delicious food.

Well, we've got food.

We've got stuff that looks like food.

OK, we've got stuff that you can put in your mouth

that technically could be called food,

as long as you've got an ambulance standing by.

Argh, argh, argh.

So, I be Patrick the Pirate,

and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Park.

OK, fine.

My name is not Patrick,

it is Leonard and I am not a pirate.

I am an actor!

And, quite frankly, I don't have to do humiliating jobs like this.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

OK, fine. I do.

Come down to Leonard's Park.

If you're a doctor, they'll probably need you.

This place is very dangerous.

-Ah-argh.

-CRASH!

Here at Diddy TV, we like to think of ourselves

as caring and compassionate.

In particular, we'll always be a friend

to ailing, desperate, ancient TV presenters.

We love 'em!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, how you doing?

I'm Joey LeCool and this is Bottom Gear,

the show all about gear for your bottom.

-Bottom!

-HE LAUGHS

I'm Chris Harsh, and whether it's Y-fronts,

frilly knickers or the latest line of baggy bum bags,

we'll be taking a serious look at them on this very serious show.

Isn't that right, Rory Reid-iculous?

-Yeah. Bum bags!

-HE LAUGHS

Hey!

It's time to see what's fresh in the laundry basket

as I test drive the latest pants.

BUCKLE CLINKS ZIP ZIPS

I only agreed to do this show for one reason -

to slip into a pair of these.

Luxe-a-tuchie, the go-to name for the dedicated pant-head.

And the latest Y-fronts have gone one step further.

Introducing the Luxe-a-tuchie Z-fronts.

The streamlined stitching and reinforced Kevlar gusset,

capable of withstanding even the hottest of boil washes,

all mean that you don't need to be a superhero

to want to wear these underpants outside your trousers.

I can confidently say that these are the most comfortable underpants

that I've ever worn,

and I've worn pants made of clouds and butterflies.

Now here's my favourite feature - a remote-control rear wiper.

With variable speed.

If you don't slow down, you'll set off the...

Hey!

-BANG! Oh, how you doing?

-..twin airbags.

LAUGHTER

Let's just pretend that that never happened.

-Sorry, Mr...

-Never happened!

See you again next time on Bottom Gear.

How you doing? Hey!

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# We're going to try and buy the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #