23/05/2013 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

show that brings you the news, but not as you know it. I am Felicity

Bond. This is my co-host, Bob Roberts. This is so typical.

Unreliable as ever. Have you seen him? Welcome to the sports locker.

Today, we are going to... I'm done rehearsing. Do you know where Bob

is? Bob! Newsflash, the star of Les miserable is. How do you say that?

Doncaster. Beautiful language, the French. There you go, that idiot.

Bob. It doesn't ring a bell.The guy that cannot tie his shoelaces?

the slippers? I love that guy. He's a close personal friend. What is his

name again? Bob! Have you seen him? No. How can I rehearse without my

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 75 seconds

have gone to Newcastle. Bob probably thinks we are rehearsing tomorrow.

Am I the only one taking this seriously? Its milk and two sugars.

We have seven days to create the best new show ever. No Bob. Here is

a selection of emergency news clips we have put together from other

shows, weather presenters actually bothered to turn up. See you in five

There was excitement as the Olympic torch finally arrived at the Olympic

Stadium. But the event was spoiled by an overeager health and safety

official. Fire!We can now go live to Melbourne for the first test

between England and Australia. join us as the England and Australia

captains had out for the coin toss. It is always a real sense of

excitement at the start of the test series. Today is no exception. Is

this going to be England's year? The England captain has opted for heads.

And he's won it. They have won the opening game in the coin toss

series. The Australian captain is gutted. A surprise at the Winter

Olympics Figgis debating competition, when Antarctica won its

first-ever gold medal. -- figure skating. Athletics, and we go live

to the women's hammer throw in Helsinki. The next to throw is Great

Britain's Jenny Dennen. She is last year's world champion. Around she

goes, round and round. And round and round. That was a lovely throw.

Straight from the women's hammer throw, are you all right? Now we go

Comedian Johnny Cochran and Ian Tomlinson have been commissioned on

their own CBBC show. In light of the news, we went out on the street to

see how the public felt. I don't know who they are. Who are they?

Have they got their own show? That's nice. Well, tune in next time. I

have been or is Norris. I have been Egypt, where a little boy has been

born. He is known as Tutankhamen. He is also known by these names, but

probably not Steve. We think this is his dad, it's hard to know because

it's so long ago that nobody can remember, not even my Gran, and she

is really old. Although she doesn't look it, love you. His daddy became

a mummy, a very complex operation. His big brother becomes Pharaoh. He

prompted eyes, only to be replaced by his sister, so at nine years old

Tutankhamen becomes Pharaoh. I think keep an eye on things. Sorry. He

runs the country, so that Tutankhamen can get on with stuff

that kids do like playing games and getting married. Yes, getting

married. If you thought that was weird, his new wife is also his

sister. And she used to be his stepmother. Anyway, he grows up, his

uncle hands over power and they rule Egypt's together as husband and

wife, Mum, sister. That's the end of that. Also, the history books tell

us that the uncle did not want to give up power, so he killed him by

bashing him on the head like that. Yes, that will do it. Except it

didn't. The history books got it wrong and he actually died from an

infected broken leg, leaving his wife with a broken heart and the

Crown of Egypt. The uncle once that for himself. How does he want to get

marry a foreign prince instead, because he has such a cool name. He

gets cold feet, and cold everything because he dies. Killed on his way

to Egypt by a jealous uncle, who marries his granddaughter, ruling

Egypt's together for ages, definitely the end of that, scouts

There is confusion at the ice Skating Championships as the Russian

comes to the end of his routine. Have you finished yet? With studies

showing that the average British diet is increasingly unhealthy, one

farm in Yorkshire is trying to make a difference. I'm here with James

Archibald, who has an ingenious plan to encourage healthy eating. Yes, to

discourage people from eating fatty food, I have bred pigs that taste

like brussels sprouts. That is rancid Russell sprouts. That would

discourage me from eating too much bacon. How do you make the bacon

taste like rancid brussels sprouts? You feed the pig tonnes of rancid

whether Norman army looks set to take the city. I'm hoping to get a

word with their commander and ask him what makes the Norman is the

most fearsome fighters in all of medieval Christendom? How is it

going? We have taken the high ground, the perfect position to

attack the city with. There are two problems. The whole place is

crawling with spiders! Perhaps you should save the victory dance until

when you have one the battle? is for the bite, it can be vital and

the locals believe the only way to cure it is by dancing. You might

want to do it as well. This looks like a disaster. Most of your

soldiers have been bitten by spiders? I haven't, I just like

dancing. Not only does it have a good chance of killing you, it has

another effect. What is that?I am so sorry. It also causes severe

attacks of wind. But that is the only attack that will happen today.

I'm calling the battle. Mike Peabody, the siege of Palermo,

wishing he was somewhere else. Howay! DNN has a lot to live up to

if we are going to be the worlds best news show. As much as I would

like it, we cannot do it without my co-host. So, is there any of Bob?

I've got this! That's not what I meant. Anyway, you have seen the

competition. The first show is next week. People, what have we been

working on? I have been working on my biceps. Check these bad boys out.

I mean what have you prepared for the sports section? OK, naturally, I

have been trying out some new sports and meeting a view close personal

friends. Let's take a look. Close personal friend Michael Dorn.

never met you before. Just a few seconds until my close personal

friend Wayne Rooney arrives. It's Don't call me that. When I haven't

been making you cups of tea I've been out and about getting up close

and personal with people that matter. What? And and deck?Check

this out, hugging. There is a form of exercise called laughter Yoga,

with me, Jahmene Mann. Anyone? Why down!

It doesn't always turn out brilliantly. How about you, Nellie?

What big stories have you been delving into? I've been preparing

hard-hitting reports into the biggest issues. Stop fooling about,

and letters, and pay attention. Nellie Osmond, DNN. Come on. Well, I

can't believe my eyes. Even though I am completely overqualified for

storage like this, I went to find out. Because I'm a professional.

Come on, I'm trying to do work here. Don't even think about squirting

that thing at me. My hair is waterproof anyway. Nellie Osmond,

coming to her senses for DNN. I'm trying to do a job of work here.

That is how professionals do the news. Davina, are you ready to

deliver the most exciting weather forecast on television? These go up

and down as well! Amazing! Fine, we have got all of that. Plus I have

put something together myself to show people what else DNN has up its

sleeves. Feast your eyes on this. my head, son. It will be snowy and

stormy. Snormy! That's breaking news, don't panic. Mega anti-LOLs.

just really want to meet Justin Bieber. Nobody loves me like you

Stay there. Good, we are in great shape. Even without Bob. Especially

without Bob. True. We meet back here in seven days. If anyone sees Bob,