23/05/2013 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


An exclusive peek behind the scenes at TV's most hopeless newsroom as the team prepare to launch their brand new series.

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show that brings you the news, but not as you know it. I am Felicity


Bond. This is my co-host, Bob Roberts. This is so typical.


Unreliable as ever. Have you seen him? Welcome to the sports locker.


Today, we are going to... I'm done rehearsing. Do you know where Bob


is? Bob! Newsflash, the star of Les miserable is. How do you say that?


Doncaster. Beautiful language, the French. There you go, that idiot.


Bob. It doesn't ring a bell.The guy that cannot tie his shoelaces?


the slippers? I love that guy. He's a close personal friend. What is his


name again? Bob! Have you seen him? No. How can I rehearse without my


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 75 seconds


have gone to Newcastle. Bob probably thinks we are rehearsing tomorrow.


Am I the only one taking this seriously? Its milk and two sugars.


We have seven days to create the best new show ever. No Bob. Here is


a selection of emergency news clips we have put together from other


shows, weather presenters actually bothered to turn up. See you in five


There was excitement as the Olympic torch finally arrived at the Olympic


Stadium. But the event was spoiled by an overeager health and safety


official. Fire!We can now go live to Melbourne for the first test


between England and Australia. join us as the England and Australia


captains had out for the coin toss. It is always a real sense of


excitement at the start of the test series. Today is no exception. Is


this going to be England's year? The England captain has opted for heads.


And he's won it. They have won the opening game in the coin toss


series. The Australian captain is gutted. A surprise at the Winter


Olympics Figgis debating competition, when Antarctica won its


first-ever gold medal. -- figure skating. Athletics, and we go live


to the women's hammer throw in Helsinki. The next to throw is Great


Britain's Jenny Dennen. She is last year's world champion. Around she


goes, round and round. And round and round. That was a lovely throw.


Straight from the women's hammer throw, are you all right? Now we go


Comedian Johnny Cochran and Ian Tomlinson have been commissioned on


their own CBBC show. In light of the news, we went out on the street to


see how the public felt. I don't know who they are. Who are they?


Have they got their own show? That's nice. Well, tune in next time. I


have been or is Norris. I have been Egypt, where a little boy has been


born. He is known as Tutankhamen. He is also known by these names, but


probably not Steve. We think this is his dad, it's hard to know because


it's so long ago that nobody can remember, not even my Gran, and she


is really old. Although she doesn't look it, love you. His daddy became


a mummy, a very complex operation. His big brother becomes Pharaoh. He


prompted eyes, only to be replaced by his sister, so at nine years old


Tutankhamen becomes Pharaoh. I think keep an eye on things. Sorry. He


runs the country, so that Tutankhamen can get on with stuff


that kids do like playing games and getting married. Yes, getting


married. If you thought that was weird, his new wife is also his


sister. And she used to be his stepmother. Anyway, he grows up, his


uncle hands over power and they rule Egypt's together as husband and


wife, Mum, sister. That's the end of that. Also, the history books tell


us that the uncle did not want to give up power, so he killed him by


bashing him on the head like that. Yes, that will do it. Except it


didn't. The history books got it wrong and he actually died from an


infected broken leg, leaving his wife with a broken heart and the


Crown of Egypt. The uncle once that for himself. How does he want to get


marry a foreign prince instead, because he has such a cool name. He


gets cold feet, and cold everything because he dies. Killed on his way


to Egypt by a jealous uncle, who marries his granddaughter, ruling


Egypt's together for ages, definitely the end of that, scouts


There is confusion at the ice Skating Championships as the Russian


comes to the end of his routine. Have you finished yet? With studies


showing that the average British diet is increasingly unhealthy, one


farm in Yorkshire is trying to make a difference. I'm here with James


Archibald, who has an ingenious plan to encourage healthy eating. Yes, to


discourage people from eating fatty food, I have bred pigs that taste


like brussels sprouts. That is rancid Russell sprouts. That would


discourage me from eating too much bacon. How do you make the bacon


taste like rancid brussels sprouts? You feed the pig tonnes of rancid


whether Norman army looks set to take the city. I'm hoping to get a


word with their commander and ask him what makes the Norman is the


most fearsome fighters in all of medieval Christendom? How is it


going? We have taken the high ground, the perfect position to


attack the city with. There are two problems. The whole place is


crawling with spiders! Perhaps you should save the victory dance until


when you have one the battle? is for the bite, it can be vital and


the locals believe the only way to cure it is by dancing. You might


want to do it as well. This looks like a disaster. Most of your


soldiers have been bitten by spiders? I haven't, I just like


dancing. Not only does it have a good chance of killing you, it has


another effect. What is that?I am so sorry. It also causes severe


attacks of wind. But that is the only attack that will happen today.


I'm calling the battle. Mike Peabody, the siege of Palermo,


wishing he was somewhere else. Howay! DNN has a lot to live up to


if we are going to be the worlds best news show. As much as I would


like it, we cannot do it without my co-host. So, is there any of Bob?


I've got this! That's not what I meant. Anyway, you have seen the


competition. The first show is next week. People, what have we been


working on? I have been working on my biceps. Check these bad boys out.


I mean what have you prepared for the sports section? OK, naturally, I


have been trying out some new sports and meeting a view close personal


friends. Let's take a look. Close personal friend Michael Dorn.


never met you before. Just a few seconds until my close personal


friend Wayne Rooney arrives. It's Don't call me that. When I haven't


been making you cups of tea I've been out and about getting up close


and personal with people that matter. What? And and deck?Check


this out, hugging. There is a form of exercise called laughter Yoga,


with me, Jahmene Mann. Anyone? Why down!


It doesn't always turn out brilliantly. How about you, Nellie?


What big stories have you been delving into? I've been preparing


hard-hitting reports into the biggest issues. Stop fooling about,


and letters, and pay attention. Nellie Osmond, DNN. Come on. Well, I


can't believe my eyes. Even though I am completely overqualified for


storage like this, I went to find out. Because I'm a professional.


Come on, I'm trying to do work here. Don't even think about squirting


that thing at me. My hair is waterproof anyway. Nellie Osmond,


coming to her senses for DNN. I'm trying to do a job of work here.


That is how professionals do the news. Davina, are you ready to


deliver the most exciting weather forecast on television? These go up


and down as well! Amazing! Fine, we have got all of that. Plus I have


put something together myself to show people what else DNN has up its


sleeves. Feast your eyes on this. my head, son. It will be snowy and


stormy. Snormy! That's breaking news, don't panic. Mega anti-LOLs.


just really want to meet Justin Bieber. Nobody loves me like you


Stay there. Good, we are in great shape. Even without Bob. Especially


without Bob. True. We meet back here in seven days. If anyone sees Bob,


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