23/05/2013 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


23/05/2013

An exclusive peek behind the scenes at TV's most hopeless newsroom as the team prepare to launch their brand new series.


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show that brings you the news, but not as you know it. I am Felicity

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Bond. This is my co-host, Bob Roberts. This is so typical.

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Unreliable as ever. Have you seen him? Welcome to the sports locker.

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Today, we are going to... I'm done rehearsing. Do you know where Bob

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is? Bob! Newsflash, the star of Les miserable is. How do you say that?

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Doncaster. Beautiful language, the French. There you go, that idiot.

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Bob. It doesn't ring a bell.The guy that cannot tie his shoelaces?

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the slippers? I love that guy. He's a close personal friend. What is his

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name again? Bob! Have you seen him? No. How can I rehearse without my

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Apology for the loss of subtitles for 75 seconds

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have gone to Newcastle. Bob probably thinks we are rehearsing tomorrow.

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Am I the only one taking this seriously? Its milk and two sugars.

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We have seven days to create the best new show ever. No Bob. Here is

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a selection of emergency news clips we have put together from other

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shows, weather presenters actually bothered to turn up. See you in five

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There was excitement as the Olympic torch finally arrived at the Olympic

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Stadium. But the event was spoiled by an overeager health and safety

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official. Fire!We can now go live to Melbourne for the first test

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between England and Australia. join us as the England and Australia

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captains had out for the coin toss. It is always a real sense of

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excitement at the start of the test series. Today is no exception. Is

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this going to be England's year? The England captain has opted for heads.

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And he's won it. They have won the opening game in the coin toss

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series. The Australian captain is gutted. A surprise at the Winter

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Olympics Figgis debating competition, when Antarctica won its

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first-ever gold medal. -- figure skating. Athletics, and we go live

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to the women's hammer throw in Helsinki. The next to throw is Great

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Britain's Jenny Dennen. She is last year's world champion. Around she

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goes, round and round. And round and round. That was a lovely throw.

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Straight from the women's hammer throw, are you all right? Now we go

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Comedian Johnny Cochran and Ian Tomlinson have been commissioned on

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their own CBBC show. In light of the news, we went out on the street to

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see how the public felt. I don't know who they are. Who are they?

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Have they got their own show? That's nice. Well, tune in next time. I

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have been or is Norris. I have been Egypt, where a little boy has been

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born. He is known as Tutankhamen. He is also known by these names, but

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probably not Steve. We think this is his dad, it's hard to know because

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it's so long ago that nobody can remember, not even my Gran, and she

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is really old. Although she doesn't look it, love you. His daddy became

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a mummy, a very complex operation. His big brother becomes Pharaoh. He

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prompted eyes, only to be replaced by his sister, so at nine years old

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Tutankhamen becomes Pharaoh. I think keep an eye on things. Sorry. He

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runs the country, so that Tutankhamen can get on with stuff

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that kids do like playing games and getting married. Yes, getting

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married. If you thought that was weird, his new wife is also his

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sister. And she used to be his stepmother. Anyway, he grows up, his

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uncle hands over power and they rule Egypt's together as husband and

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wife, Mum, sister. That's the end of that. Also, the history books tell

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us that the uncle did not want to give up power, so he killed him by

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bashing him on the head like that. Yes, that will do it. Except it

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didn't. The history books got it wrong and he actually died from an

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infected broken leg, leaving his wife with a broken heart and the

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Crown of Egypt. The uncle once that for himself. How does he want to get

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marry a foreign prince instead, because he has such a cool name. He

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gets cold feet, and cold everything because he dies. Killed on his way

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to Egypt by a jealous uncle, who marries his granddaughter, ruling

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Egypt's together for ages, definitely the end of that, scouts

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There is confusion at the ice Skating Championships as the Russian

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comes to the end of his routine. Have you finished yet? With studies

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showing that the average British diet is increasingly unhealthy, one

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farm in Yorkshire is trying to make a difference. I'm here with James

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Archibald, who has an ingenious plan to encourage healthy eating. Yes, to

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discourage people from eating fatty food, I have bred pigs that taste

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like brussels sprouts. That is rancid Russell sprouts. That would

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discourage me from eating too much bacon. How do you make the bacon

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taste like rancid brussels sprouts? You feed the pig tonnes of rancid

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whether Norman army looks set to take the city. I'm hoping to get a

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word with their commander and ask him what makes the Norman is the

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most fearsome fighters in all of medieval Christendom? How is it

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going? We have taken the high ground, the perfect position to

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attack the city with. There are two problems. The whole place is

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crawling with spiders! Perhaps you should save the victory dance until

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when you have one the battle? is for the bite, it can be vital and

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the locals believe the only way to cure it is by dancing. You might

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want to do it as well. This looks like a disaster. Most of your

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soldiers have been bitten by spiders? I haven't, I just like

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dancing. Not only does it have a good chance of killing you, it has

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another effect. What is that?I am so sorry. It also causes severe

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attacks of wind. But that is the only attack that will happen today.

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I'm calling the battle. Mike Peabody, the siege of Palermo,

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wishing he was somewhere else. Howay! DNN has a lot to live up to

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if we are going to be the worlds best news show. As much as I would

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like it, we cannot do it without my co-host. So, is there any of Bob?

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I've got this! That's not what I meant. Anyway, you have seen the

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competition. The first show is next week. People, what have we been

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working on? I have been working on my biceps. Check these bad boys out.

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I mean what have you prepared for the sports section? OK, naturally, I

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have been trying out some new sports and meeting a view close personal

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friends. Let's take a look. Close personal friend Michael Dorn.

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never met you before. Just a few seconds until my close personal

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friend Wayne Rooney arrives. It's Don't call me that. When I haven't

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been making you cups of tea I've been out and about getting up close

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and personal with people that matter. What? And and deck?Check

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this out, hugging. There is a form of exercise called laughter Yoga,

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with me, Jahmene Mann. Anyone? Why down!

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It doesn't always turn out brilliantly. How about you, Nellie?

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What big stories have you been delving into? I've been preparing

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hard-hitting reports into the biggest issues. Stop fooling about,

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and letters, and pay attention. Nellie Osmond, DNN. Come on. Well, I

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can't believe my eyes. Even though I am completely overqualified for

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storage like this, I went to find out. Because I'm a professional.

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Come on, I'm trying to do work here. Don't even think about squirting

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that thing at me. My hair is waterproof anyway. Nellie Osmond,

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coming to her senses for DNN. I'm trying to do a job of work here.

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That is how professionals do the news. Davina, are you ready to

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deliver the most exciting weather forecast on television? These go up

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and down as well! Amazing! Fine, we have got all of that. Plus I have

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put something together myself to show people what else DNN has up its

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sleeves. Feast your eyes on this. my head, son. It will be snowy and

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stormy. Snormy! That's breaking news, don't panic. Mega anti-LOLs.

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just really want to meet Justin Bieber. Nobody loves me like you

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Stay there. Good, we are in great shape. Even without Bob. Especially

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without Bob. True. We meet back here in seven days. If anyone sees Bob,

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