Episode 1 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 1

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Roberts. And I'm Felicity Bond. You're watching DNN. All the news in

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the world literally right now. Coming up on today's show, a world

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exclusive with Wayne Rooney. exciting future of school exams?

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the musical tribute to the one and only Harry Styles. That's on DNN.

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First the headlines: Why is your script on yellow paper and mine on

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purple? Because in many cultures yellow is wisdom and purple is the

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opposite of yellow, which means, sglshgs There's an egg in my cup!

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First a banana-flavoured lollipop is too tasty to share. Boy does least

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convincing impression of a Dalek ever. We think from stat spot take

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12 steps west. And the Czechle sisters try something out without

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reading the instructions Wow! She looked hypnotised to me. We all know

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you can't really hypnotise someone. Is that right, Rob? You would have

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to be a weak-minded idiot. Two words to say to you... Song: Gangnam Style

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by Psy I so own him! Felicity, the flying graphic. Duck! Works, that

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means we've got some breaking news. So, let's go live to Britain's

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unluckiest reporter, Phil Tyme harks has news of an unlikely news of a

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sighting of a famous monster. Where are you? I'm at Loch Ness. This is

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the 80th anniversary of Nessie being spotted for the first time. I've had

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a tip-off from a local expert she's due to surface today, and I'm here

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to catch it, live, for DNN. Are you saying that you are live, Phil?

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That's exactly what I am, Felicity, live. How long have you been there

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Phil? Don't know, I dropped my watch in the water earlier. But more

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importantly when Nessie shows her face we are going to be capturing it

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here, live, on DNN. This is Phil Tyme live on if banks of Loch Ness.

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I dropped my mic! It is back to the studio. Just take them back. Where's

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my spare mic? Thanks Phil. It looks like you are completely wasting your

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time to me, but keep us updated. Right, time to head over to the man

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with the biggest fantasy contacts book in sport, Gary Ogden. On me

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head, son. What caught your eye this week? Well, Bob, controversy is

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training for the world's karate Championships starts at an early

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age. The Government cuts affect swimming lessons. And race

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competitors spooked as Suzanne Boyle sings the national anthem.

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I'm joking of course, that's the annual cheese-rolling events held

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every year at Cooper's Hill in Gloucestershire. Annual means every

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year Gary. I knew that. They chase a fake when wheel of cheese like this

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down a massive hill. I sent the man who put the great into grated cheese

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to see. This is Hannah, a veteran of cheese rolling, who has perfected

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the art of pinning down the sometimes stinky yellow stuff.

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went professional ten year ago. I haven't looked back since. How did

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it all start? I went out for a walk it all start? I went out for a walk

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with my dad. I jumped up and chased after it and caught it almost

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instantly. From that day on I've had this need, a need to chase cheese.

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But this year Hannah has some competition. 19-year-old Brie

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Thompson may be new to the cheese-chasing circuit but I heard

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she was introducing chasing maths might revolutionise the sport.

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What's your secret? It is called visualisation. It helps me get into

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the mind of that cheese and I imagine I am that cheese hurtling

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go well with biscuits. And then... Hurtle down the hill... Whoa! Can't

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stop! Ooh, me glasses. That doesn't look good. So, there you have it,

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not my finest hour. If you are thinking of doing the cheese roll,

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my advice would be take it nice and cheesy. Back to you, Gary. Glad to

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see your injuries have healed nicely. Don't try that at home,

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kids. They can't, they don't have a massive hill at home will they?

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cheese. They'll probably have cheese at home, Bob. Lots of talk about

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England's star footballer. There certainly is. I was

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inVice-Presidented for an exclusive chat with my close, personal friend,

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Wayne Rooney. Wow, really Gary?Yes, very close Wayne and I. Look at

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this. Just a few seconds until my close personal friend Wayne Rooney

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arrives. Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Are you coming to my barbecue? Wayne!

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Well, there he was. Back to you in the studio. Wayne! Wayne! Er, really

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an exclusive, Gary. Was Rooney even there? Yes, there he is. Um, there,

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in the black and white cap. And that's me, and he clearly recognises

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me. OK, well, thanks Gary.My pleasure. I look forward to more

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sports exclusives soon. Checky little Rooney.

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Time for some bizarre but 100% real... Sorry.Not in front of the

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camera, what are you doing? stuck. Time for some bizarre but

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100% real actually celebrated national days which are 100%

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inexperienced reporter Jahmene Mann. First day on the job, must stay

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professional, LOL, send. Thanks Felicity. Bob, did you know it is

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national Hug Your Cat Day next week? Can't stand cats. They are going to

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take over the world. How long your cat day is the late nest the long

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line of days. It is national hug Hug Your Boss Day, Hug a Vegetarian Day

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and hug Hug a Plumber Day. I can't trust plumbers and their shifty

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eyes. I thought if everyone else is getting hugs, why shouldn't I? I

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went out to spread the love. Let's meet the street. Yes, it seems

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everyone love as hug, with all sorts of hugging days popping up I thought

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I would get in on the action. Today I've going to see if I can start a

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new movement. National hug a Jahmene Mann day. Come on, it is only going

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once. I think it is fair to say I got off to quite a slow start. Free

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hugs. Oh, come on. Yeah, go on. Oh, If there is one thing I've learnt

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today, it is that you should never ever hug someone without their

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permission. What are you doing? Hugging. No? Mann down! Mann down!

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Jahmene Mann there with a really fascinating report. Thanks, tell me,

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have you got that new album by Silly Punk yet? Yes, and by the way, it is

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Daft Punk. You are a Daft Punk. Thanks, Jahmene, a cup of tea would

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be lovely. Come here! You wanted to hug me? How did she get in there?

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Probably like us, through the door. The machine's ringing? Over the past

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month thousands of school kids have been taking their SATs. I was ace at

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exams. How many qualifications have you got, Flicky? Well, I graduated

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from High School at the top of my class and I've got two University

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degrees, one from Harvard in the US and one from Oxford in the UK. What

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about you Bob? To find out about the future of school exams here's own

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very own strict headmistress Nellie Osman. Thank you. I'm joined by the

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man in charge of setting next year's exams. Thank you for joining me.

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are welcome. You are quite an unpopular figure among our viewers.

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I have a way, it is quite unfortunate. But with the new SATs

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I'm developing in my underground lair I hope to improve popularity.

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In future we want to test more than knowledge, so we are putting

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together an exam that combines SATs, time wipeout and the hunger Games.

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Right, will that work? We have teachers testing the it out now, so

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they know what they can and can't give marks for. Shall we take a

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look? Question is 12. What's 507 take away nine? Um, 480?Wrong! It

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is 498. Now you must face trial. By gorilla! Woohahahaha. If I have 17

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plastic pies and I throw 12 at you, how many are left? Is it five?Let's

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find out. Mark, I don't think this is going to work in schools. Maybe

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you're right, but it is fun to try out on teachers. You are a very

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silly man. Thank you, what's 57 rounded to the nearest ten? 60. And

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don't even think of squirting that thing at me, my hair's waterproof

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anyway. Back to you. Thank you Nellie. What a pleasure to see

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Nellie back on our screens after that unfortunate incidents last

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week. It certainly is, Bob. We are taking a short break. We'll be back

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in a few moments. Good work everyone, stay sharp.

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what was that unfortunate incident you were talking about. Leapt me get

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my machine. No, that Nellie unfortunate incident. Robert, you

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promised me you wouldn't talk about that story. I think I got away with

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that one. My nose feels shiny, does it look shiny? What were you saying?

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My nose was shiny. No, the Nellie story. She was at Buckingham Palace

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to do a story on the Royals... we're back in five, four, 3...

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Welcome back to DNN. Still to come on today's show: David Cameron

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dancing, Harry Styles and the Lady Thatcher Lady Thatcher monster...

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Doesn't exist. He does exist. He stole my back. Before any of that we

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can go to the charming, talented and super-clever Henry Smart to see

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what's coming up on DNN no nonsense nightly news. Henry, so lovely to

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see you, as ever. Hello Felicity and hello Bob. DNN no nonsense nightly

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news. That's DNNNNNN for short. That's too many Ns Bob. I have 11

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fingers. Amazing. One for ever brain cell. No, ten fixers, that was just

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a pen! Henry, what have you got coming up on orexcellent show?

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Tonight's headlines on DNNNNN, in politics David Cameron announces new

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European moves. Boring!We speak to the developer that could cure

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diseases. Snooze fest.And we investigate if running shoes leave a

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large carbon footprint? I am so sleepily right now. And I suppose

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you can do better. I can beat all of that. Watch this, David Cameron

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moves as he awedations for this year's Strictly. Coronation Street

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star contracts balloon finger. thought you were on my side.

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said she is only going to put him up in here. And running imagines with

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Ashley Banjo. That's how you do the news. No, Bob, that's how you do the

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news. So, Henry, about time you got me on your show isn't it? I've got

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things pretty much under control if they sent Felicity but I can see why

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you would be better sitting next to a real journalist instead of a human

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chimp. Anyway, if you are looking for real news... Boring news.Join

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me later for DNNNNNN. And one last thing Bob. What's, that Henry?Song:

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Gangnam Style by Psy Song: Gangnam Style by Psy You've got something on

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your face. What's, that banana?No, that look of idiocy, and some

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banana. For all the hottest celebrity gossip

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let's cross live to the impressively stroply Stacey-Mayonnaise. It is

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Stacey-May An a svrnlingts I tell you that every week. -- Stacey-May

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An a s. Which of her close friends... You

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played the wrong clip. The one with the tiny people in it. Not that, the

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battle between the forces of good and evil set deep in the forest.

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Just play that one. This man is fighting, he's got something, she's

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wearing a dress. There's lots of birds, there's arrows, I don't trust

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the trees but there were people living in the trees. I can't keep

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up. What's happening? That's not the full film, Stacey-May, that's just

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the trailer. OK, I thought it was a bit short. What else do you have for

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us Stacey-May. Any music news perhaps? Do you want to tell us

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about your attempted entry into the pop charts? What do you mean?We've

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been sent a video by someone who was hoping to get their song to number

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one. Apparently it is a lovely tune about a pop star who Stacey-May has

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a bit of a crush on. Who is it again? His name is Harry Styles.Run

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VT. No, you can't show that! You've got hair like an otter, you've got

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eyes like an owl. You're the bestest decision ever made by Simon Cowell.

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Harry Styles, for you I would run miles and miles, your smile is just

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like an angel's smile. I love you. Harry Styles. Where did it, where

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did it enter the charts, top ten, top 20? Strangely there is no sign

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of it in the top 100, although apparently it sold six copies.

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bought one. Anti-LOLs. I put it on the internet and got positive

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comments. I'm not saying it is good but other people... That's my screen

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saver. Hang on, I don't think she was in Hollywood after all,

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Felicity. Whatever gave thaw idea Bob? Stacey-May will be back next

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week with more show business news. How did she do it, is she some kind

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of itchy titchy witch? Devastating news for the paparazzi recently with

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the news that celebrity icon David Beckham has retired from football.

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That's my close personal friend Obama. Thanks Gary. We are done with

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the sport. Beckham has retired the, has he really? Yes Bob, don't you

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read the news? This is what the great British public had to say on

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the subject. I do love the Beckhams but they choose such weird names for

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their kids. I don't know anyone who would do that. As I said to my

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cousin Gandalf, what kind of name is Harper Seven? I love you so much

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David Beckham. I really like David Beckham and he has tattoos of his

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favourite things, like his family and football, so I've got a tattoo

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of my favourite things, cheese and onion crisps. Oh, no! Mum? I wish I

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was your football. Just so I could see bits of your face as I rolled

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around the pitch. Time for us to go to TV's most

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enthusiastic weather girl, Davina Wave, who I believe is on the roof

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of DNN headquarters? Thank you Felicity. So, let's look at the

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south, and that London, where I'm ecstatic to say all you great big

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southern Jessies are in for a proper battering over the next few days.

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High winds are going to knock the froth off your cappuccinos. That

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wouldn't happen if you drank tea, like normal people. Let's look now

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at Wales a and Northern Ireland, where I'm pleased to say it is going

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to be frosty and foggy, or as I like to call it, froggy. Let's look in

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this direction over the green and pleasant Yorkshire Dales, where

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we'll find the glistening city of Newcastle, where leapt's be honest

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even when it is raining it is always shining. Ha'way the lads. Thank you

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Davina. You are pretty high up. I am terrible with heights, so I salute

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your Adversity means difficult circumstances. I know what it means,

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I just don't understand. I will do the weather whatever circumstances

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you throw at us. Let's do it and make sure you join us next week for

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our very first Challenge Davina. cannit wait. Has way! Careful flicky

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it is that out of control graphic again. That means we've got an

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update from TV's biggest. What's happening Phil? Still here by Loch

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Ness, waiting for the monster to show her face, 80 years after being

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spotted for the first time. With me is a local expert who claims to have

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seen the monster every night for as long as he can remember. Rab, clear

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this up for me. How come you see her so often and no-one else ever sees

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her at all? It is trust, my friend, if she doesnae trust you, she won't

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appear to you. Where does she appear? She goes in through my nose

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