Episode 1 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Roberts. And I'm Felicity Bond. You're watching DNN. All the news in

the world literally right now. Coming up on today's show, a world

exclusive with Wayne Rooney. exciting future of school exams?

the musical tribute to the one and only Harry Styles. That's on DNN.

First the headlines: Why is your script on yellow paper and mine on

purple? Because in many cultures yellow is wisdom and purple is the

opposite of yellow, which means, sglshgs There's an egg in my cup!

First a banana-flavoured lollipop is too tasty to share. Boy does least

convincing impression of a Dalek ever. We think from stat spot take

12 steps west. And the Czechle sisters try something out without

reading the instructions Wow! She looked hypnotised to me. We all know

you can't really hypnotise someone. Is that right, Rob? You would have

to be a weak-minded idiot. Two words to say to you... Song: Gangnam Style

by Psy I so own him! Felicity, the flying graphic. Duck! Works, that

means we've got some breaking news. So, let's go live to Britain's

unluckiest reporter, Phil Tyme harks has news of an unlikely news of a

sighting of a famous monster. Where are you? I'm at Loch Ness. This is

the 80th anniversary of Nessie being spotted for the first time. I've had

a tip-off from a local expert she's due to surface today, and I'm here

to catch it, live, for DNN. Are you saying that you are live, Phil?

That's exactly what I am, Felicity, live. How long have you been there

Phil? Don't know, I dropped my watch in the water earlier. But more

importantly when Nessie shows her face we are going to be capturing it

here, live, on DNN. This is Phil Tyme live on if banks of Loch Ness.

I dropped my mic! It is back to the studio. Just take them back. Where's

my spare mic? Thanks Phil. It looks like you are completely wasting your

time to me, but keep us updated. Right, time to head over to the man

with the biggest fantasy contacts book in sport, Gary Ogden. On me

head, son. What caught your eye this week? Well, Bob, controversy is

training for the world's karate Championships starts at an early

age. The Government cuts affect swimming lessons. And race

competitors spooked as Suzanne Boyle sings the national anthem.

I'm joking of course, that's the annual cheese-rolling events held

every year at Cooper's Hill in Gloucestershire. Annual means every

year Gary. I knew that. They chase a fake when wheel of cheese like this

down a massive hill. I sent the man who put the great into grated cheese

to see. This is Hannah, a veteran of cheese rolling, who has perfected

the art of pinning down the sometimes stinky yellow stuff.

went professional ten year ago. I haven't looked back since. How did

it all start? I went out for a walk it all start? I went out for a walk

with my dad. I jumped up and chased after it and caught it almost

instantly. From that day on I've had this need, a need to chase cheese.

But this year Hannah has some competition. 19-year-old Brie

Thompson may be new to the cheese-chasing circuit but I heard

she was introducing chasing maths might revolutionise the sport.

What's your secret? It is called visualisation. It helps me get into

the mind of that cheese and I imagine I am that cheese hurtling

go well with biscuits. And then... Hurtle down the hill... Whoa! Can't

stop! Ooh, me glasses. That doesn't look good. So, there you have it,

not my finest hour. If you are thinking of doing the cheese roll,

my advice would be take it nice and cheesy. Back to you, Gary. Glad to

see your injuries have healed nicely. Don't try that at home,

kids. They can't, they don't have a massive hill at home will they?

cheese. They'll probably have cheese at home, Bob. Lots of talk about

England's star footballer. There certainly is. I was

inVice-Presidented for an exclusive chat with my close, personal friend,

Wayne Rooney. Wow, really Gary?Yes, very close Wayne and I. Look at

this. Just a few seconds until my close personal friend Wayne Rooney

arrives. Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Are you coming to my barbecue? Wayne!

Well, there he was. Back to you in the studio. Wayne! Wayne! Er, really

an exclusive, Gary. Was Rooney even there? Yes, there he is. Um, there,

in the black and white cap. And that's me, and he clearly recognises

me. OK, well, thanks Gary.My pleasure. I look forward to more

sports exclusives soon. Checky little Rooney.

Time for some bizarre but 100% real... Sorry.Not in front of the

camera, what are you doing? stuck. Time for some bizarre but

100% real actually celebrated national days which are 100%

inexperienced reporter Jahmene Mann. First day on the job, must stay

professional, LOL, send. Thanks Felicity. Bob, did you know it is

national Hug Your Cat Day next week? Can't stand cats. They are going to

take over the world. How long your cat day is the late nest the long

line of days. It is national hug Hug Your Boss Day, Hug a Vegetarian Day

and hug Hug a Plumber Day. I can't trust plumbers and their shifty

eyes. I thought if everyone else is getting hugs, why shouldn't I? I

went out to spread the love. Let's meet the street. Yes, it seems

everyone love as hug, with all sorts of hugging days popping up I thought

I would get in on the action. Today I've going to see if I can start a

new movement. National hug a Jahmene Mann day. Come on, it is only going

once. I think it is fair to say I got off to quite a slow start. Free

hugs. Oh, come on. Yeah, go on. Oh, If there is one thing I've learnt

today, it is that you should never ever hug someone without their

permission. What are you doing? Hugging. No? Mann down! Mann down!

Jahmene Mann there with a really fascinating report. Thanks, tell me,

have you got that new album by Silly Punk yet? Yes, and by the way, it is

Daft Punk. You are a Daft Punk. Thanks, Jahmene, a cup of tea would

be lovely. Come here! You wanted to hug me? How did she get in there?

Probably like us, through the door. The machine's ringing? Over the past

month thousands of school kids have been taking their SATs. I was ace at

exams. How many qualifications have you got, Flicky? Well, I graduated

from High School at the top of my class and I've got two University

degrees, one from Harvard in the US and one from Oxford in the UK. What

about you Bob? To find out about the future of school exams here's own

very own strict headmistress Nellie Osman. Thank you. I'm joined by the

man in charge of setting next year's exams. Thank you for joining me.

are welcome. You are quite an unpopular figure among our viewers.

I have a way, it is quite unfortunate. But with the new SATs

I'm developing in my underground lair I hope to improve popularity.

In future we want to test more than knowledge, so we are putting

together an exam that combines SATs, time wipeout and the hunger Games.

Right, will that work? We have teachers testing the it out now, so

they know what they can and can't give marks for. Shall we take a

look? Question is 12. What's 507 take away nine? Um, 480?Wrong! It

is 498. Now you must face trial. By gorilla! Woohahahaha. If I have 17

plastic pies and I throw 12 at you, how many are left? Is it five?Let's

find out. Mark, I don't think this is going to work in schools. Maybe

you're right, but it is fun to try out on teachers. You are a very

silly man. Thank you, what's 57 rounded to the nearest ten? 60. And

don't even think of squirting that thing at me, my hair's waterproof

anyway. Back to you. Thank you Nellie. What a pleasure to see

Nellie back on our screens after that unfortunate incidents last

week. It certainly is, Bob. We are taking a short break. We'll be back

in a few moments. Good work everyone, stay sharp.

what was that unfortunate incident you were talking about. Leapt me get

my machine. No, that Nellie unfortunate incident. Robert, you

promised me you wouldn't talk about that story. I think I got away with

that one. My nose feels shiny, does it look shiny? What were you saying?

My nose was shiny. No, the Nellie story. She was at Buckingham Palace

to do a story on the Royals... we're back in five, four, 3...

Welcome back to DNN. Still to come on today's show: David Cameron

dancing, Harry Styles and the Lady Thatcher Lady Thatcher monster...

Doesn't exist. He does exist. He stole my back. Before any of that we

can go to the charming, talented and super-clever Henry Smart to see

what's coming up on DNN no nonsense nightly news. Henry, so lovely to

see you, as ever. Hello Felicity and hello Bob. DNN no nonsense nightly

news. That's DNNNNNN for short. That's too many Ns Bob. I have 11

fingers. Amazing. One for ever brain cell. No, ten fixers, that was just

a pen! Henry, what have you got coming up on orexcellent show?

Tonight's headlines on DNNNNN, in politics David Cameron announces new

European moves. Boring!We speak to the developer that could cure

diseases. Snooze fest.And we investigate if running shoes leave a

large carbon footprint? I am so sleepily right now. And I suppose

you can do better. I can beat all of that. Watch this, David Cameron

moves as he awedations for this year's Strictly. Coronation Street

star contracts balloon finger. thought you were on my side.

said she is only going to put him up in here. And running imagines with

Ashley Banjo. That's how you do the news. No, Bob, that's how you do the

news. So, Henry, about time you got me on your show isn't it? I've got

things pretty much under control if they sent Felicity but I can see why

you would be better sitting next to a real journalist instead of a human

chimp. Anyway, if you are looking for real news... Boring news.Join

me later for DNNNNNN. And one last thing Bob. What's, that Henry?Song:

Gangnam Style by Psy Song: Gangnam Style by Psy You've got something on

your face. What's, that banana?No, that look of idiocy, and some

banana. For all the hottest celebrity gossip

let's cross live to the impressively stroply Stacey-Mayonnaise. It is

Stacey-May An a svrnlingts I tell you that every week. -- Stacey-May

An a s. Which of her close friends... You

played the wrong clip. The one with the tiny people in it. Not that, the

battle between the forces of good and evil set deep in the forest.

Just play that one. This man is fighting, he's got something, she's

wearing a dress. There's lots of birds, there's arrows, I don't trust

the trees but there were people living in the trees. I can't keep

up. What's happening? That's not the full film, Stacey-May, that's just

the trailer. OK, I thought it was a bit short. What else do you have for

us Stacey-May. Any music news perhaps? Do you want to tell us

about your attempted entry into the pop charts? What do you mean?We've

been sent a video by someone who was hoping to get their song to number

one. Apparently it is a lovely tune about a pop star who Stacey-May has

a bit of a crush on. Who is it again? His name is Harry Styles.Run

VT. No, you can't show that! You've got hair like an otter, you've got

eyes like an owl. You're the bestest decision ever made by Simon Cowell.

Harry Styles, for you I would run miles and miles, your smile is just

like an angel's smile. I love you. Harry Styles. Where did it, where

did it enter the charts, top ten, top 20? Strangely there is no sign

of it in the top 100, although apparently it sold six copies.

bought one. Anti-LOLs. I put it on the internet and got positive

comments. I'm not saying it is good but other people... That's my screen

saver. Hang on, I don't think she was in Hollywood after all,

Felicity. Whatever gave thaw idea Bob? Stacey-May will be back next

week with more show business news. How did she do it, is she some kind

of itchy titchy witch? Devastating news for the paparazzi recently with

the news that celebrity icon David Beckham has retired from football.

That's my close personal friend Obama. Thanks Gary. We are done with

the sport. Beckham has retired the, has he really? Yes Bob, don't you

read the news? This is what the great British public had to say on

the subject. I do love the Beckhams but they choose such weird names for

their kids. I don't know anyone who would do that. As I said to my

cousin Gandalf, what kind of name is Harper Seven? I love you so much

David Beckham. I really like David Beckham and he has tattoos of his

favourite things, like his family and football, so I've got a tattoo

of my favourite things, cheese and onion crisps. Oh, no! Mum? I wish I

was your football. Just so I could see bits of your face as I rolled

around the pitch. Time for us to go to TV's most

enthusiastic weather girl, Davina Wave, who I believe is on the roof

of DNN headquarters? Thank you Felicity. So, let's look at the

south, and that London, where I'm ecstatic to say all you great big

southern Jessies are in for a proper battering over the next few days.

High winds are going to knock the froth off your cappuccinos. That

wouldn't happen if you drank tea, like normal people. Let's look now

at Wales a and Northern Ireland, where I'm pleased to say it is going

to be frosty and foggy, or as I like to call it, froggy. Let's look in

this direction over the green and pleasant Yorkshire Dales, where

we'll find the glistening city of Newcastle, where leapt's be honest

even when it is raining it is always shining. Ha'way the lads. Thank you

Davina. You are pretty high up. I am terrible with heights, so I salute

your Adversity means difficult circumstances. I know what it means,

I just don't understand. I will do the weather whatever circumstances

you throw at us. Let's do it and make sure you join us next week for

our very first Challenge Davina. cannit wait. Has way! Careful flicky

it is that out of control graphic again. That means we've got an

update from TV's biggest. What's happening Phil? Still here by Loch

Ness, waiting for the monster to show her face, 80 years after being

spotted for the first time. With me is a local expert who claims to have

seen the monster every night for as long as he can remember. Rab, clear

this up for me. How come you see her so often and no-one else ever sees

her at all? It is trust, my friend, if she doesnae trust you, she won't

appear to you. Where does she appear? She goes in through my nose