Episode 12 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

With a casing made of aluminium - We do apologise viewers, we seem to

have joined today's DNN at the end of the show. Please bear with us

while we investigate. Well, what a show THAT was! I still can't believe

that Camel survived. I know. And Justin Bieber

parachuting in. You really couldn't make it up.

Anyway, that's all from this series of DNN. I've been the outstanding

Felicity Bond. And I've been the hatstanding Bob

Roberts. Say goodbye, Bob.

Goodbye, Bob! So, where are you going for your holidays, Flicky?

Once again, we're very sorry, but we appear to have missed this week's

episode of DNN. However, you have been good enough to tune in, so

we'll leave the cameras rolling to give you an exclusive look at what

goes on in the studio after the show.

goes on in the studio after the Well done, everyone. See you all

next series, apart from the people I'm getting sacked. And

next series, apart from the people out this hatastrophe! So

next series, apart from the people Ha! What's this for? Snorkelling?

No. They're Ha! What's this for? Snorkelling?

You sleep in this? Yes,

You sleep in this? Whoa, whoa,

You sleep in this? That must mean there's a breaking

story from on-the-spot reporter Phil Tyme. You often miss the story,

Phil. But this week you've missed the entire show! We're off air! I

know that but this is one exclusive you're going to want to

know that but this is one exclusive I am standing outside the head

office of our late night sister show DNN, no nonsense nightly news live

as ever. More than ever. Thank you. I am here because you're not going

to believe what I found in my e-mails this morning. Yes, was it an

eagle? You can't send an eagle by e-mail, Bob. Heads up, everyone.

That eagle is still in my office. No, it was a private message, shh,

sent to me, privately by someone at DNNNNN. Get this they're finally

giving Henry Smart a cohost. What? Yes, I knew that would get your

attention, but brace yourself. There's more. The e-mail also says

they have had their eyes on DNN, and there is only one person for the

job. It's one of us people. Well, I'm not doing it. I don't think it's

you, Bob. Exactly. Don't touch what you can't afford. This is not just

breaking news. This is something that could change the face of DNN

forever. Me and Terry aren't budging until we get this amazing exclusive,

so watch this space, people. See you in a bit. Thanks, Phil. I don't

believe it. It's finally happening. What is happening? Tymal Mills? At

last!! Thank you, hair genie! No Bob, I mean I'm finally moving to

DNNNNNN. Er, hold on a sausage. What makes

you think you'll get the job? Er, who else is there?

What do you mean? Have you seen our show? This is Phil

time - live! Excuse me. I am on a date with Harry - no! Not in front

of the camera. Oh, sorry. Right. Can you get this out of my face? I am

trying to do some work here. Jahmene, I love the whole hand thing

you do. Boom! How about walk the dog? Let's walk the dog. This is not

appropriate for a journalist of my stature. Milk a cow. Let's milk a

appropriate for a journalist of my me to make the tea, don't

OK. Ahh! I am a very patient person with

a beautiful soul! Right. To you. Ahh! I am a very patient person with

Well, I, for one, cannot see what you're driving at. All seems

perfectly normal to me. Flying donkeys would seem normal to

you. Ah, yes. Uncle Dobbin - now that man

could flap. Can we get a feed open to the

DNNNNNN studio? Oh, please can we not? I've already

had three naps today. Ah - Hello, Felicity!

Hi, Henry. And hello, Bob.

Oh, told you. So what's all this I hear about you

getting a co-host from DNN, Henry? Well, that's certainly the rumour,

Felicity. Does this mean we'll be working together soon?

You think it'll be me, Henry? LAUGHTER

Well, I hope your ears are up to it. I genuinely have no idea who it's

going to be, Felicity, but rest assured, I have my fingers crossed.

I'll be in touch as soon as I hear anything.

Thank you, Henry. Oh, and bye-bye, Bob.

Missing you already, Henry. Oh, wait a minute. No, I'm not. Shaboom! Got

him! He's gone.

Oh. Well, I don't know what you're getting so excited about anyway.

Who'd want to be on DNNNNNN? It's so BORING.

They're the most credible news show on television, Bob. They've

interviewed Obama. Yes, and we've interviewed a llama.

What's your point?! We get great interviews! This is Gary oding for

DNN now joined by my complornsal friend Andy Murray. Who are you? You

look nothing like you do in the film. That's good. How long did the

makeup take? Um, it's a cartoon.I have never been to Roy MacEl-Roy's

birthday party. I think it's "-McIlroy". He picked you. No, he

picked you. Really?It doesn't matter. Mates before princesses.

Oggie! It's Gary Ogden - do you remember that? I think you have the

wrong bloke. Not number one, Lawson. I said number two, Lawson. You think

my name is Andy? I said number two, Lawson. You think

swimming stroke. No. I said number two, Lawson. You think

Spraggen. Sproggon. Spraggen. OK.

Spraggen. Sproggon. Spraggen. this? I need to think like a hose!

What's 57 rounded to the nearette 10th? 60. And don't even think about

squirting that thing at me. My hair is waterproof anyway. She goes in

through my nose and my head while I am asleep. It is called

visualisation. It really helps me get into the mind of the trees. If

you even touch that finger, I'll make sure you never work in TV

again. Don't think I won't! What are you supposed to be? Come off it,

Terry. It's clearly not real. Knock, knock. Who is there? What do you

want? Who sent you, and where is your identification? The

interrupting cow! I don't get it. No! You have offered to cycle around

for us today. No, I haven't. You're going out for the day, and then

suddenly you go, oh, no, I forgot to do my makeup. That would never

happen. Why not? Because I am not an idiot.

Wellll, I say potato, you say "potahto".

I do NOT say "potahto". Ah-hah! You just did! It's the lies

that hurt the most. Er, excuse me, FeliciBob, I was just

packing up all of my Harry Styles-abilia, and I overheard Gary

in the toilets. Oh, dear. Was it "nuclear pants

Wednesday"? What's "nuclear pants Wednesday"?

The day after "curried fajita Tuesday." Woo!

Eeewww! No, he was dishing some megagoss about one of us getting a

new job? Is it me? It's me, isn't it?!

Well, it could be anyone from the DNN family.

Right, stopface. Can I just say, you lot are NOT my family.

Yes, we are, little one. Phil's the bumbling uncle. Nellie's the strict

auntie. I guess Davina would be our crazy

cousin - twice removed. Yep, Jahmene's the teenage son. And

Gary's the family pet. Whoa - what does that make us?

Easy. You're mum and dad. Er, we are NOT mum and dad.

You're not actually my mother! Hey, don't talk to your mother like

that! Go to your room, Stacey Mayonnaise.

It's "Stacey-May ANAIS"! Argh, you are so annoying!!!

See? Family. are so annoying!!!

You're saying you actually want to work on the stuffiest news show in

You're saying you actually want to Right! Henry Smart

You're saying you actually want to Ah, you bunch of southern softies.

Anyway, I'm just giving the Ah, you bunch of southern softies.

She's got a point. They don't do THAT at DNNNNNN, Flicky. Here, we

let our viewers have their say. Calling him a moose is something so

silly to do. Why couldn't he have done a tree or Alan Titchmarsh? You

reckon Jedward are clones? They look the same, talk the same, have the

same hair. It's like they're twins! The best thing about packed lunches

is if there's something you don't like you swap it with friends for

crisps and desserts. I haven't managed to swap my bean salad, but

maybe one day. I love my packed lunches. I love them so much that I

even -- We take the news to Aye, it's true. And we don't just

listen. We take the news to THEM, an all.

Heel, Brian! Heel! Woaaaah! It can get seriously annoying and a

bit more-ish. Heel, Brian! Ahh! Say what you like about his work,

Jahmene Mann really knows his way around a good cup of tea.

You're not wrong, all unfortunately.

True. Seriously, have you forgotten your passport or something?! Get

out! Calm down, Bob. That must mean Phil

Tyme's got some news about the DNN- NN-NN job for us. What do you know,

Phil? No name I have found out one thing - it's

definitely a I have found out one thing - it's

it. I know. It's Factor, this, so that narrowing it

down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! And you, Felicity. Slightly

down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! running myself, but if you take me,

down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! you've also got to take Terry, and

no-one who eats that you've also got to take Terry, and

in an enclosed space - disgusting, so the big boss is going to be out

in a few minutes, and we'll be waiting here, live and exclusively

for DNN. Don't go anywhere. Right. Let's have another looksee.

What's all this, Felicity? It's all my old hair, Bob. BOB:

Well, why are you taking it on holiday?

Because I'm worth it. You see, you constantly surprise me,

Felicity. That's why I think DNNNNNNNN - that's why "that show"

is a bad idea. At least here you never know what to expect. Come on.

Let's get this grey hair. Come on. Fly, Keith. Just to mind light! Oh,

Keith. This is Alan. My actual name is eeee! Eeeegh! No, the gh is

silent as in snowplow. Live on the banks of Snowdonia... Oh, wrong

specs. These are my head tray ones. No! My cape of justice will protect

us! Nice canoe, by the way. I was hoping

you wouldn't notice. What idiot runs security here? Ten-four, all quiet

here. My pleasure.My pleasure. No, it's my pleasure. It's my pleasure.

This is mega-anti-lol. My pleasure. My pleasure. Whoa, Felicity, you

didn't dell me you had a sister. My pleasure! My pleasure! Robert, do

you want me to come into the pleasure! My pleasure! Robert, do

and have words in person? Is that what you want? She's in your dress!

Turn it off. How is this my career? what you want? She's in your dress!

But don't you like stability, Bob? Of course I like you. And it's

pronounced Of course I like you. And it's

Right, damage control. If you DO get Of course I like you. And it's

drive. Gary Ogden. I'm doing it, daddy, I mean Benny.

drive. Gary Ogden. I'm doing it, Ogden. Smaller, smaller than that...

Gary Ogden. I am! Gary Ogden. OK, point taken.

Jahmene. LAUGHTER

That still leaves you with three solid professional choices. There's

Nellie, Stacey-May and Davina. So, clowns, are they hilarious or

terrifying? Or just people who've bought too much white foundation and

need to grow up? ! Tornadoes are going to rip through like the

judgmental mother-in-law looking for dust. Not done, you are very

unprofessional. I've got lozengers OK, don't think I won't use 'em.

There 'll be rain. I've not looked at the satellite aimages, but it's

Wales for an educated guess. I'm better than a bumblebee. Never put a

pun in my autocue again. In the glorious emerald paradise that is

Newcastle... ! You have ruined it. Like everything. This is the worst

holiday I've ever had. The main thing we've learned from all this is

not to mess with Nellie Osman. I hope you are listening, Robert. You

can't believe leave. Why not? Because of those three. Play the

tape. You have to have a heart of stone to leave

tape. You have to have a heart of # Just the two of us... #

There's an egg in my cup. Better. # Just the two of us... #

think Bob is the best # Just the two of us... #

anchor. Bob. I won. I don't know how to describe it. Like the USA, the

United States are awesome. to describe it. Like the USA, the

all of this is a dream. If it was a dream,

all of this is a dream. If it was a Once again, let go of my

all of this is a dream. If it was a about the news. That's better. Is

that a horse wearing trousers? Where? My mistake.All queue here.

Cancel that and send reinforcements. Happy place, Bob.

# Just the two of us... # Ought to Tutankhamen. That's how you

break the news. Look at him. I can tell he's thinking. There are three

Bs in Bob Roberts. Look, it was a lovely tape, Bob, but this is the

big break that I've been waiting for. Stay! I'll pay you. In belly

button fluff. Not an incentive, Bob. It's all I have. Would you stay if I

finally finish telling you about Nellie's unfortunate incident?

Maybe. Come on, hit me. No! I meant with the story. Oh, all

right. Kill the studio power, no screens, no curtains, no reflective

surfaces. I'm taking no chances with Nellie popping up.

So, where've we got to? We were heading to Buckingham Palace and she

didn't realise there was a Princess behind her. I tell a lie, it was

Lennox Lewis, but he was in a ball gown. In came the famous shoe

designer. Jimmy Choo?Bless you. Nellie goes to see the person

honourable friending the horn and it was bill Turnbull off Breakfast with

a bass guitar. Them they go on a road trip, drive up to the skinny

aisles. Scilly.I know! The camper van had been modified by that

footballer Robbie. Savage?No, he's nice. Before too long they realised

footballer Robbie. Savage?No, he's they'd taken a wrong turn. They

emerged from the sea, Nellie popped out to pick up a French pancake.

Cpepe? Anton Du Beke's blimp. Careful what

you say, Anton Du Beke's blimp. Careful what

no, no, no! Not now.What's it to be, Flicky?

job? Let's assume our position, Bob. OK, this is the big one. Do you know

who's got the job? Don't rush me, Felicity, it's my big

who's got the job? Don't rush me, because here comes the DNNNNNN big

boss right now. Please show your utmost respect for his Lordship,

little Alan Sugar. Hello, Phil. Hello, your grace, I believe you

have some news for me to break? I do. It's here. Thank you.No

problem. Back to the board room. Stay lucky, son.

This is proper exciting, this. What is all the noise? I can't hear

Harry. It's my business.Phil knows who got the job. Just tell us? All

right, all right, keep your very nice hair on! They say, and I quote

"this woman constantly demonstrates charm and astonishing journalistic

nous, as well as a staggering about ability to deal with Bob Roberts'

relentless rubbish". That's everyone on the show. Got a point there,

like. I can reveal the journalist who's landed the co- coanchor spot

on DNNNNNN is... Woah woah woah

I'm loving this, me. Here it comes. It's... Me... What? !What? ! You

have ruined me exclusive. That was an autobiographies lute shoe-in as

well. Cheese and crackers, man, I hate this job sometimes me. Terry,

start the van, we are going home and take them back. Unbelievable.

You got the job, but you are not allowed to be in

You got the job, but you are not more. Finally someone's acknowledged

You got the job, but you are not my skills and given me another

chance because I'm a professional. I've known about it for weeks. Can

someone get Henry. Is this true? I I've known about it for weeks. Can

you. Is that Louise Minchin from BBC Breakfast? EU missed

you. Is that Louise Minchin from BBC Great whosmt is it? Ellie Osmon.I'm

surprised, especially after the unfortunate business last year.

Thursday that was blown unfortunate business last year.

proportion. Not really. Let's not forget my friend Bill was there. He

even sent me some pictures. Have a look. It's appalling.A bit.

Seriously? How did they get an elephant up the Eiffel Tower? What

is it, Henry? I think you had better take a look at this. Is that Nellie?

What's Taylor swift doing on a bungee rope? Can't look. Sorry,

chaps, I've got to go. Some sports reporter's invited me to a barbecue,

he says we are close personal friends. Can't place him. Bye. Well,

this will not do, you are fired. No, please, I want to just be back in

the studio. So what happens now? Plan B.

Hey, Felicity Bond is nobody's Plan B. You are right. And anyway, I

couldn't leave you guys, I'm staying. Plan C then. Send her in.

You are mired! Hello. What? Who is that? Does she

work here? I've literally never seen her ball. Hello DNN studio, an

excellent decision. My reputation remains as untarnished as a freshly

ly starched pair of smalls. Now cut the link, you are wasting

electricity. You knead a hair cut! I can't believe it. Sticking with

us, Felicity? Yes, Bob, I am.So are you Nellie, I've got to say I'm

quite relieved. You are the best journalist here! Really?Bob!

quite relieved. You are the best is. And I promise I'll never mention

the unfortunate incident ever again. You promise. Thank you. Was that a

smile? No. Group hug. So until next time,

smile? No. Group hug. So until next irpressible Bob Roberts. Say

goodbye, Bob?