Episode 12 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 12

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With a casing made of aluminium - We do apologise viewers, we seem to

:00:06.:00:14.

have joined today's DNN at the end of the show. Please bear with us

:00:14.:00:23.

while we investigate. Well, what a show THAT was! I still can't believe

:00:23.:00:26.

that Camel survived. I know. And Justin Bieber

:00:26.:00:28.

parachuting in. You really couldn't make it up.

:00:28.:00:31.

Anyway, that's all from this series of DNN. I've been the outstanding

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Felicity Bond. And I've been the hatstanding Bob

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Roberts. Say goodbye, Bob.

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Goodbye, Bob! So, where are you going for your holidays, Flicky?

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Once again, we're very sorry, but we appear to have missed this week's

:00:43.:00:47.

episode of DNN. However, you have been good enough to tune in, so

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we'll leave the cameras rolling to give you an exclusive look at what

:00:51.:00:55.

goes on in the studio after the show.

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goes on in the studio after the Well done, everyone. See you all

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next series, apart from the people I'm getting sacked. And

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next series, apart from the people out this hatastrophe! So

:01:06.:01:10.

next series, apart from the people Ha! What's this for? Snorkelling?

:01:10.:01:10.

No. They're Ha! What's this for? Snorkelling?

:01:10.:01:12.

You sleep in this? Yes,

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You sleep in this? Whoa, whoa,

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You sleep in this? That must mean there's a breaking

:01:18.:01:20.

story from on-the-spot reporter Phil Tyme. You often miss the story,

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Phil. But this week you've missed the entire show! We're off air! I

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know that but this is one exclusive you're going to want to

:01:30.:01:33.

know that but this is one exclusive I am standing outside the head

:01:33.:01:37.

office of our late night sister show DNN, no nonsense nightly news live

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as ever. More than ever. Thank you. I am here because you're not going

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to believe what I found in my e-mails this morning. Yes, was it an

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eagle? You can't send an eagle by e-mail, Bob. Heads up, everyone.

:01:52.:01:58.

That eagle is still in my office. No, it was a private message, shh,

:01:58.:02:05.

sent to me, privately by someone at DNNNNN. Get this they're finally

:02:05.:02:11.

giving Henry Smart a cohost. What? Yes, I knew that would get your

:02:11.:02:15.

attention, but brace yourself. There's more. The e-mail also says

:02:15.:02:19.

they have had their eyes on DNN, and there is only one person for the

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job. It's one of us people. Well, I'm not doing it. I don't think it's

:02:23.:02:28.

you, Bob. Exactly. Don't touch what you can't afford. This is not just

:02:28.:02:33.

breaking news. This is something that could change the face of DNN

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forever. Me and Terry aren't budging until we get this amazing exclusive,

:02:38.:02:43.

so watch this space, people. See you in a bit. Thanks, Phil. I don't

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believe it. It's finally happening. What is happening? Tymal Mills? At

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last!! Thank you, hair genie! No Bob, I mean I'm finally moving to

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DNNNNNN. Er, hold on a sausage. What makes

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you think you'll get the job? Er, who else is there?

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What do you mean? Have you seen our show? This is Phil

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time - live! Excuse me. I am on a date with Harry - no! Not in front

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of the camera. Oh, sorry. Right. Can you get this out of my face? I am

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trying to do some work here. Jahmene, I love the whole hand thing

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you do. Boom! How about walk the dog? Let's walk the dog. This is not

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appropriate for a journalist of my stature. Milk a cow. Let's milk a

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appropriate for a journalist of my me to make the tea, don't

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OK. Ahh! I am a very patient person with

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a beautiful soul! Right. To you. Ahh! I am a very patient person with

:03:51.:04:09.

Well, I, for one, cannot see what you're driving at. All seems

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perfectly normal to me. Flying donkeys would seem normal to

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you. Ah, yes. Uncle Dobbin - now that man

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could flap. Can we get a feed open to the

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DNNNNNN studio? Oh, please can we not? I've already

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had three naps today. Ah - Hello, Felicity!

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Hi, Henry. And hello, Bob.

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Oh, told you. So what's all this I hear about you

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getting a co-host from DNN, Henry? Well, that's certainly the rumour,

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Felicity. Does this mean we'll be working together soon?

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You think it'll be me, Henry? LAUGHTER

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Well, I hope your ears are up to it. I genuinely have no idea who it's

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going to be, Felicity, but rest assured, I have my fingers crossed.

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I'll be in touch as soon as I hear anything.

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Thank you, Henry. Oh, and bye-bye, Bob.

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Missing you already, Henry. Oh, wait a minute. No, I'm not. Shaboom! Got

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him! He's gone.

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Oh. Well, I don't know what you're getting so excited about anyway.

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Who'd want to be on DNNNNNN? It's so BORING.

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They're the most credible news show on television, Bob. They've

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interviewed Obama. Yes, and we've interviewed a llama.

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What's your point?! We get great interviews! This is Gary oding for

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DNN now joined by my complornsal friend Andy Murray. Who are you? You

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look nothing like you do in the film. That's good. How long did the

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makeup take? Um, it's a cartoon.I have never been to Roy MacEl-Roy's

:05:38.:05:43.

birthday party. I think it's "-McIlroy". He picked you. No, he

:05:43.:05:49.

picked you. Really?It doesn't matter. Mates before princesses.

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Oggie! It's Gary Ogden - do you remember that? I think you have the

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wrong bloke. Not number one, Lawson. I said number two, Lawson. You think

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my name is Andy? I said number two, Lawson. You think

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swimming stroke. No. I said number two, Lawson. You think

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Spraggen. Sproggon. Spraggen. OK.

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Spraggen. Sproggon. Spraggen. this? I need to think like a hose!

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What's 57 rounded to the nearette 10th? 60. And don't even think about

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squirting that thing at me. My hair is waterproof anyway. She goes in

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through my nose and my head while I am asleep. It is called

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visualisation. It really helps me get into the mind of the trees. If

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you even touch that finger, I'll make sure you never work in TV

:06:56.:07:01.

again. Don't think I won't! What are you supposed to be? Come off it,

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Terry. It's clearly not real. Knock, knock. Who is there? What do you

:07:05.:07:09.

want? Who sent you, and where is your identification? The

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interrupting cow! I don't get it. No! You have offered to cycle around

:07:14.:07:19.

for us today. No, I haven't. You're going out for the day, and then

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suddenly you go, oh, no, I forgot to do my makeup. That would never

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happen. Why not? Because I am not an idiot.

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Wellll, I say potato, you say "potahto".

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I do NOT say "potahto". Ah-hah! You just did! It's the lies

:07:36.:07:42.

that hurt the most. Er, excuse me, FeliciBob, I was just

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packing up all of my Harry Styles-abilia, and I overheard Gary

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in the toilets. Oh, dear. Was it "nuclear pants

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Wednesday"? What's "nuclear pants Wednesday"?

:07:50.:07:52.

The day after "curried fajita Tuesday." Woo!

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Eeewww! No, he was dishing some megagoss about one of us getting a

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new job? Is it me? It's me, isn't it?!

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Well, it could be anyone from the DNN family.

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Right, stopface. Can I just say, you lot are NOT my family.

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Yes, we are, little one. Phil's the bumbling uncle. Nellie's the strict

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auntie. I guess Davina would be our crazy

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cousin - twice removed. Yep, Jahmene's the teenage son. And

:08:18.:08:21.

Gary's the family pet. Whoa - what does that make us?

:08:21.:08:24.

Easy. You're mum and dad. Er, we are NOT mum and dad.

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You're not actually my mother! Hey, don't talk to your mother like

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that! Go to your room, Stacey Mayonnaise.

:08:31.:08:32.

It's "Stacey-May ANAIS"! Argh, you are so annoying!!!

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See? Family. are so annoying!!!

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You're saying you actually want to work on the stuffiest news show in

:08:44.:08:59.

You're saying you actually want to Right! Henry Smart

:08:59.:09:12.

You're saying you actually want to Ah, you bunch of southern softies.

:09:12.:09:13.

Anyway, I'm just giving the Ah, you bunch of southern softies.

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She's got a point. They don't do THAT at DNNNNNN, Flicky. Here, we

:09:17.:09:21.

let our viewers have their say. Calling him a moose is something so

:09:21.:09:24.

silly to do. Why couldn't he have done a tree or Alan Titchmarsh? You

:09:24.:09:28.

reckon Jedward are clones? They look the same, talk the same, have the

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same hair. It's like they're twins! The best thing about packed lunches

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is if there's something you don't like you swap it with friends for

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crisps and desserts. I haven't managed to swap my bean salad, but

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maybe one day. I love my packed lunches. I love them so much that I

:09:50.:10:04.

even -- We take the news to Aye, it's true. And we don't just

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listen. We take the news to THEM, an all.

:10:08.:10:12.

Heel, Brian! Heel! Woaaaah! It can get seriously annoying and a

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bit more-ish. Heel, Brian! Ahh! Say what you like about his work,

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Jahmene Mann really knows his way around a good cup of tea.

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You're not wrong, all unfortunately.

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True. Seriously, have you forgotten your passport or something?! Get

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out! Calm down, Bob. That must mean Phil

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Tyme's got some news about the DNN- NN-NN job for us. What do you know,

:11:09.:11:11.

Phil? No name I have found out one thing - it's

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definitely a I have found out one thing - it's

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it. I know. It's Factor, this, so that narrowing it

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down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! And you, Felicity. Slightly

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down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! running myself, but if you take me,

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down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! you've also got to take Terry, and

:11:38.:11:39.

no-one who eats that you've also got to take Terry, and

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in an enclosed space - disgusting, so the big boss is going to be out

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in a few minutes, and we'll be waiting here, live and exclusively

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for DNN. Don't go anywhere. Right. Let's have another looksee.

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What's all this, Felicity? It's all my old hair, Bob. BOB:

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Well, why are you taking it on holiday?

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Because I'm worth it. You see, you constantly surprise me,

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Felicity. That's why I think DNNNNNNNN - that's why "that show"

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is a bad idea. At least here you never know what to expect. Come on.

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Let's get this grey hair. Come on. Fly, Keith. Just to mind light! Oh,

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Keith. This is Alan. My actual name is eeee! Eeeegh! No, the gh is

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silent as in snowplow. Live on the banks of Snowdonia... Oh, wrong

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specs. These are my head tray ones. No! My cape of justice will protect

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us! Nice canoe, by the way. I was hoping

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you wouldn't notice. What idiot runs security here? Ten-four, all quiet

:13:04.:13:14.

here. My pleasure.My pleasure. No, it's my pleasure. It's my pleasure.

:13:14.:13:23.

This is mega-anti-lol. My pleasure. My pleasure. Whoa, Felicity, you

:13:23.:13:28.

didn't dell me you had a sister. My pleasure! My pleasure! Robert, do

:13:28.:13:31.

you want me to come into the pleasure! My pleasure! Robert, do

:13:31.:13:34.

and have words in person? Is that what you want? She's in your dress!

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Turn it off. How is this my career? what you want? She's in your dress!

:13:38.:13:44.

But don't you like stability, Bob? Of course I like you. And it's

:13:44.:13:46.

pronounced Of course I like you. And it's

:13:46.:13:47.

Right, damage control. If you DO get Of course I like you. And it's

:13:47.:14:08.

drive. Gary Ogden. I'm doing it, daddy, I mean Benny.

:14:09.:14:15.

drive. Gary Ogden. I'm doing it, Ogden. Smaller, smaller than that...

:14:15.:14:27.

Gary Ogden. I am! Gary Ogden. OK, point taken.

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Jahmene. LAUGHTER

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That still leaves you with three solid professional choices. There's

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Nellie, Stacey-May and Davina. So, clowns, are they hilarious or

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terrifying? Or just people who've bought too much white foundation and

:14:51.:14:57.

need to grow up? ! Tornadoes are going to rip through like the

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judgmental mother-in-law looking for dust. Not done, you are very

:15:03.:15:09.

unprofessional. I've got lozengers OK, don't think I won't use 'em.

:15:09.:15:14.

There 'll be rain. I've not looked at the satellite aimages, but it's

:15:14.:15:22.

Wales for an educated guess. I'm better than a bumblebee. Never put a

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pun in my autocue again. In the glorious emerald paradise that is

:15:29.:15:38.

Newcastle... ! You have ruined it. Like everything. This is the worst

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holiday I've ever had. The main thing we've learned from all this is

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not to mess with Nellie Osman. I hope you are listening, Robert. You

:15:53.:15:59.

can't believe leave. Why not? Because of those three. Play the

:15:59.:16:03.

tape. You have to have a heart of stone to leave

:16:03.:16:08.

tape. You have to have a heart of # Just the two of us... #

:16:08.:16:10.

There's an egg in my cup. Better. # Just the two of us... #

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think Bob is the best # Just the two of us... #

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anchor. Bob. I won. I don't know how to describe it. Like the USA, the

:16:24.:16:26.

United States are awesome. to describe it. Like the USA, the

:16:26.:16:31.

all of this is a dream. If it was a dream,

:16:31.:16:34.

all of this is a dream. If it was a Once again, let go of my

:16:34.:16:42.

all of this is a dream. If it was a about the news. That's better. Is

:16:43.:16:45.

that a horse wearing trousers? Where? My mistake.All queue here.

:16:45.:16:53.

Cancel that and send reinforcements. Happy place, Bob.

:16:53.:16:58.

# Just the two of us... # Ought to Tutankhamen. That's how you

:16:58.:17:08.

break the news. Look at him. I can tell he's thinking. There are three

:17:08.:17:15.

Bs in Bob Roberts. Look, it was a lovely tape, Bob, but this is the

:17:15.:17:18.

big break that I've been waiting for. Stay! I'll pay you. In belly

:17:18.:17:25.

button fluff. Not an incentive, Bob. It's all I have. Would you stay if I

:17:25.:17:31.

finally finish telling you about Nellie's unfortunate incident?

:17:31.:17:34.

Maybe. Come on, hit me. No! I meant with the story. Oh, all

:17:34.:17:39.

right. Kill the studio power, no screens, no curtains, no reflective

:17:39.:17:44.

surfaces. I'm taking no chances with Nellie popping up.

:17:44.:17:52.

So, where've we got to? We were heading to Buckingham Palace and she

:17:52.:17:55.

didn't realise there was a Princess behind her. I tell a lie, it was

:17:55.:18:00.

Lennox Lewis, but he was in a ball gown. In came the famous shoe

:18:00.:18:10.

designer. Jimmy Choo?Bless you. Nellie goes to see the person

:18:10.:18:13.

honourable friending the horn and it was bill Turnbull off Breakfast with

:18:13.:18:18.

a bass guitar. Them they go on a road trip, drive up to the skinny

:18:18.:18:27.

aisles. Scilly.I know! The camper van had been modified by that

:18:27.:18:32.

footballer Robbie. Savage?No, he's nice. Before too long they realised

:18:33.:18:37.

footballer Robbie. Savage?No, he's they'd taken a wrong turn. They

:18:37.:18:39.

emerged from the sea, Nellie popped out to pick up a French pancake.

:18:39.:18:44.

Cpepe? Anton Du Beke's blimp. Careful what

:18:44.:18:52.

you say, Anton Du Beke's blimp. Careful what

:18:52.:19:06.

no, no, no! Not now.What's it to be, Flicky?

:19:06.:19:12.

job? Let's assume our position, Bob. OK, this is the big one. Do you know

:19:12.:19:17.

who's got the job? Don't rush me, Felicity, it's my big

:19:17.:19:21.

who's got the job? Don't rush me, because here comes the DNNNNNN big

:19:21.:19:25.

boss right now. Please show your utmost respect for his Lordship,

:19:25.:19:31.

little Alan Sugar. Hello, Phil. Hello, your grace, I believe you

:19:31.:19:37.

have some news for me to break? I do. It's here. Thank you.No

:19:37.:19:43.

problem. Back to the board room. Stay lucky, son.

:19:43.:19:51.

This is proper exciting, this. What is all the noise? I can't hear

:19:51.:19:57.

Harry. It's my business.Phil knows who got the job. Just tell us? All

:19:57.:20:01.

right, all right, keep your very nice hair on! They say, and I quote

:20:01.:20:09.

"this woman constantly demonstrates charm and astonishing journalistic

:20:09.:20:13.

nous, as well as a staggering about ability to deal with Bob Roberts'

:20:13.:20:19.

relentless rubbish". That's everyone on the show. Got a point there,

:20:19.:20:24.

like. I can reveal the journalist who's landed the co- coanchor spot

:20:24.:20:34.

on DNNNNNN is... Woah woah woah

:20:34.:20:40.

I'm loving this, me. Here it comes. It's... Me... What? !What? ! You

:20:41.:20:50.

have ruined me exclusive. That was an autobiographies lute shoe-in as

:20:50.:20:56.

well. Cheese and crackers, man, I hate this job sometimes me. Terry,

:20:56.:21:00.

start the van, we are going home and take them back. Unbelievable.

:21:00.:21:05.

You got the job, but you are not allowed to be in

:21:05.:21:08.

You got the job, but you are not more. Finally someone's acknowledged

:21:08.:21:10.

You got the job, but you are not my skills and given me another

:21:10.:21:13.

chance because I'm a professional. I've known about it for weeks. Can

:21:13.:21:16.

someone get Henry. Is this true? I I've known about it for weeks. Can

:21:16.:21:31.

you. Is that Louise Minchin from BBC Breakfast? EU missed

:21:31.:21:43.

you. Is that Louise Minchin from BBC Great whosmt is it? Ellie Osmon.I'm

:21:43.:21:43.

surprised, especially after the unfortunate business last year.

:21:43.:21:46.

Thursday that was blown unfortunate business last year.

:21:46.:21:51.

proportion. Not really. Let's not forget my friend Bill was there. He

:21:51.:21:56.

even sent me some pictures. Have a look. It's appalling.A bit.

:21:56.:22:02.

Seriously? How did they get an elephant up the Eiffel Tower? What

:22:02.:22:10.

is it, Henry? I think you had better take a look at this. Is that Nellie?

:22:10.:22:16.

What's Taylor swift doing on a bungee rope? Can't look. Sorry,

:22:16.:22:23.

chaps, I've got to go. Some sports reporter's invited me to a barbecue,

:22:23.:22:27.

he says we are close personal friends. Can't place him. Bye. Well,

:22:27.:22:33.

this will not do, you are fired. No, please, I want to just be back in

:22:33.:22:38.

the studio. So what happens now? Plan B.

:22:38.:22:42.

Hey, Felicity Bond is nobody's Plan B. You are right. And anyway, I

:22:42.:22:48.

couldn't leave you guys, I'm staying. Plan C then. Send her in.

:22:48.:22:54.

You are mired! Hello. What? Who is that? Does she

:22:54.:23:02.

work here? I've literally never seen her ball. Hello DNN studio, an

:23:02.:23:10.

excellent decision. My reputation remains as untarnished as a freshly

:23:10.:23:18.

ly starched pair of smalls. Now cut the link, you are wasting

:23:18.:23:25.

electricity. You knead a hair cut! I can't believe it. Sticking with

:23:25.:23:29.

us, Felicity? Yes, Bob, I am.So are you Nellie, I've got to say I'm

:23:29.:23:34.

quite relieved. You are the best journalist here! Really?Bob!

:23:34.:23:39.

quite relieved. You are the best is. And I promise I'll never mention

:23:39.:23:43.

the unfortunate incident ever again. You promise. Thank you. Was that a

:23:43.:23:49.

smile? No. Group hug. So until next time,

:23:49.:23:57.

smile? No. Group hug. So until next irpressible Bob Roberts. Say

:23:57.:23:57.

goodbye, Bob?

:23:57.:24:00.

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