Episode 12 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 12

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 12. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

With a casing made of aluminium - We do apologise viewers, we seem to

:00:06.:00:14.

have joined today's DNN at the end of the show. Please bear with us

:00:14.:00:23.

while we investigate. Well, what a show THAT was! I still can't believe

:00:23.:00:26.

that Camel survived. I know. And Justin Bieber

:00:26.:00:28.

parachuting in. You really couldn't make it up.

:00:28.:00:31.

Anyway, that's all from this series of DNN. I've been the outstanding

:00:31.:00:33.

Felicity Bond. And I've been the hatstanding Bob

:00:33.:00:35.

Roberts. Say goodbye, Bob.

:00:35.:00:38.

Goodbye, Bob! So, where are you going for your holidays, Flicky?

:00:38.:00:43.

Once again, we're very sorry, but we appear to have missed this week's

:00:43.:00:47.

episode of DNN. However, you have been good enough to tune in, so

:00:47.:00:51.

we'll leave the cameras rolling to give you an exclusive look at what

:00:51.:00:55.

goes on in the studio after the show.

:00:55.:00:56.

goes on in the studio after the Well done, everyone. See you all

:00:56.:01:04.

next series, apart from the people I'm getting sacked. And

:01:04.:01:06.

next series, apart from the people out this hatastrophe! So

:01:06.:01:10.

next series, apart from the people Ha! What's this for? Snorkelling?

:01:10.:01:10.

No. They're Ha! What's this for? Snorkelling?

:01:10.:01:12.

You sleep in this? Yes,

:01:12.:01:14.

You sleep in this? Whoa, whoa,

:01:14.:01:18.

You sleep in this? That must mean there's a breaking

:01:18.:01:20.

story from on-the-spot reporter Phil Tyme. You often miss the story,

:01:20.:01:23.

Phil. But this week you've missed the entire show! We're off air! I

:01:23.:01:30.

know that but this is one exclusive you're going to want to

:01:30.:01:33.

know that but this is one exclusive I am standing outside the head

:01:33.:01:37.

office of our late night sister show DNN, no nonsense nightly news live

:01:37.:01:42.

as ever. More than ever. Thank you. I am here because you're not going

:01:42.:01:45.

to believe what I found in my e-mails this morning. Yes, was it an

:01:45.:01:52.

eagle? You can't send an eagle by e-mail, Bob. Heads up, everyone.

:01:52.:01:58.

That eagle is still in my office. No, it was a private message, shh,

:01:58.:02:05.

sent to me, privately by someone at DNNNNN. Get this they're finally

:02:05.:02:11.

giving Henry Smart a cohost. What? Yes, I knew that would get your

:02:11.:02:15.

attention, but brace yourself. There's more. The e-mail also says

:02:15.:02:19.

they have had their eyes on DNN, and there is only one person for the

:02:19.:02:23.

job. It's one of us people. Well, I'm not doing it. I don't think it's

:02:23.:02:28.

you, Bob. Exactly. Don't touch what you can't afford. This is not just

:02:28.:02:33.

breaking news. This is something that could change the face of DNN

:02:33.:02:38.

forever. Me and Terry aren't budging until we get this amazing exclusive,

:02:38.:02:43.

so watch this space, people. See you in a bit. Thanks, Phil. I don't

:02:43.:02:49.

believe it. It's finally happening. What is happening? Tymal Mills? At

:02:49.:02:58.

last!! Thank you, hair genie! No Bob, I mean I'm finally moving to

:02:58.:03:01.

DNNNNNN. Er, hold on a sausage. What makes

:03:01.:03:04.

you think you'll get the job? Er, who else is there?

:03:04.:03:07.

What do you mean? Have you seen our show? This is Phil

:03:07.:03:14.

time - live! Excuse me. I am on a date with Harry - no! Not in front

:03:14.:03:21.

of the camera. Oh, sorry. Right. Can you get this out of my face? I am

:03:21.:03:25.

trying to do some work here. Jahmene, I love the whole hand thing

:03:25.:03:32.

you do. Boom! How about walk the dog? Let's walk the dog. This is not

:03:32.:03:37.

appropriate for a journalist of my stature. Milk a cow. Let's milk a

:03:37.:03:43.

appropriate for a journalist of my me to make the tea, don't

:03:43.:03:48.

OK. Ahh! I am a very patient person with

:03:48.:03:51.

a beautiful soul! Right. To you. Ahh! I am a very patient person with

:03:51.:04:09.

Well, I, for one, cannot see what you're driving at. All seems

:04:09.:04:12.

perfectly normal to me. Flying donkeys would seem normal to

:04:12.:04:14.

you. Ah, yes. Uncle Dobbin - now that man

:04:14.:04:17.

could flap. Can we get a feed open to the

:04:17.:04:25.

DNNNNNN studio? Oh, please can we not? I've already

:04:25.:04:28.

had three naps today. Ah - Hello, Felicity!

:04:28.:04:30.

Hi, Henry. And hello, Bob.

:04:30.:04:32.

Oh, told you. So what's all this I hear about you

:04:32.:04:36.

getting a co-host from DNN, Henry? Well, that's certainly the rumour,

:04:36.:04:39.

Felicity. Does this mean we'll be working together soon?

:04:40.:04:44.

You think it'll be me, Henry? LAUGHTER

:04:44.:04:49.

Well, I hope your ears are up to it. I genuinely have no idea who it's

:04:49.:04:52.

going to be, Felicity, but rest assured, I have my fingers crossed.

:04:52.:04:56.

I'll be in touch as soon as I hear anything.

:04:56.:04:57.

Thank you, Henry. Oh, and bye-bye, Bob.

:04:57.:05:00.

Missing you already, Henry. Oh, wait a minute. No, I'm not. Shaboom! Got

:05:00.:05:03.

him! He's gone.

:05:03.:05:07.

Oh. Well, I don't know what you're getting so excited about anyway.

:05:07.:05:10.

Who'd want to be on DNNNNNN? It's so BORING.

:05:10.:05:12.

They're the most credible news show on television, Bob. They've

:05:12.:05:14.

interviewed Obama. Yes, and we've interviewed a llama.

:05:14.:05:17.

What's your point?! We get great interviews! This is Gary oding for

:05:17.:05:26.

DNN now joined by my complornsal friend Andy Murray. Who are you? You

:05:26.:05:31.

look nothing like you do in the film. That's good. How long did the

:05:31.:05:38.

makeup take? Um, it's a cartoon.I have never been to Roy MacEl-Roy's

:05:38.:05:43.

birthday party. I think it's "-McIlroy". He picked you. No, he

:05:43.:05:49.

picked you. Really?It doesn't matter. Mates before princesses.

:05:49.:05:57.

Oggie! It's Gary Ogden - do you remember that? I think you have the

:05:57.:06:01.

wrong bloke. Not number one, Lawson. I said number two, Lawson. You think

:06:01.:06:04.

my name is Andy? I said number two, Lawson. You think

:06:04.:06:11.

swimming stroke. No. I said number two, Lawson. You think

:06:11.:06:22.

Spraggen. Sproggon. Spraggen. OK.

:06:22.:06:31.

Spraggen. Sproggon. Spraggen. this? I need to think like a hose!

:06:31.:06:36.

What's 57 rounded to the nearette 10th? 60. And don't even think about

:06:36.:06:42.

squirting that thing at me. My hair is waterproof anyway. She goes in

:06:42.:06:47.

through my nose and my head while I am asleep. It is called

:06:47.:06:50.

visualisation. It really helps me get into the mind of the trees. If

:06:51.:06:56.

you even touch that finger, I'll make sure you never work in TV

:06:56.:07:01.

again. Don't think I won't! What are you supposed to be? Come off it,

:07:01.:07:05.

Terry. It's clearly not real. Knock, knock. Who is there? What do you

:07:05.:07:09.

want? Who sent you, and where is your identification? The

:07:09.:07:14.

interrupting cow! I don't get it. No! You have offered to cycle around

:07:14.:07:19.

for us today. No, I haven't. You're going out for the day, and then

:07:19.:07:25.

suddenly you go, oh, no, I forgot to do my makeup. That would never

:07:25.:07:30.

happen. Why not? Because I am not an idiot.

:07:30.:07:34.

Wellll, I say potato, you say "potahto".

:07:34.:07:36.

I do NOT say "potahto". Ah-hah! You just did! It's the lies

:07:36.:07:42.

that hurt the most. Er, excuse me, FeliciBob, I was just

:07:42.:07:46.

packing up all of my Harry Styles-abilia, and I overheard Gary

:07:46.:07:48.

in the toilets. Oh, dear. Was it "nuclear pants

:07:48.:07:50.

Wednesday"? What's "nuclear pants Wednesday"?

:07:50.:07:52.

The day after "curried fajita Tuesday." Woo!

:07:52.:08:01.

Eeewww! No, he was dishing some megagoss about one of us getting a

:08:02.:08:06.

new job? Is it me? It's me, isn't it?!

:08:06.:08:08.

Well, it could be anyone from the DNN family.

:08:08.:08:10.

Right, stopface. Can I just say, you lot are NOT my family.

:08:10.:08:13.

Yes, we are, little one. Phil's the bumbling uncle. Nellie's the strict

:08:13.:08:15.

auntie. I guess Davina would be our crazy

:08:15.:08:18.

cousin - twice removed. Yep, Jahmene's the teenage son. And

:08:18.:08:21.

Gary's the family pet. Whoa - what does that make us?

:08:21.:08:24.

Easy. You're mum and dad. Er, we are NOT mum and dad.

:08:24.:08:27.

You're not actually my mother! Hey, don't talk to your mother like

:08:27.:08:31.

that! Go to your room, Stacey Mayonnaise.

:08:31.:08:32.

It's "Stacey-May ANAIS"! Argh, you are so annoying!!!

:08:32.:08:33.

See? Family. are so annoying!!!

:08:33.:08:44.

You're saying you actually want to work on the stuffiest news show in

:08:44.:08:59.

You're saying you actually want to Right! Henry Smart

:08:59.:09:12.

You're saying you actually want to Ah, you bunch of southern softies.

:09:12.:09:13.

Anyway, I'm just giving the Ah, you bunch of southern softies.

:09:13.:09:17.

She's got a point. They don't do THAT at DNNNNNN, Flicky. Here, we

:09:17.:09:21.

let our viewers have their say. Calling him a moose is something so

:09:21.:09:24.

silly to do. Why couldn't he have done a tree or Alan Titchmarsh? You

:09:24.:09:28.

reckon Jedward are clones? They look the same, talk the same, have the

:09:28.:09:33.

same hair. It's like they're twins! The best thing about packed lunches

:09:33.:09:38.

is if there's something you don't like you swap it with friends for

:09:38.:09:44.

crisps and desserts. I haven't managed to swap my bean salad, but

:09:44.:09:50.

maybe one day. I love my packed lunches. I love them so much that I

:09:50.:10:04.

even -- We take the news to Aye, it's true. And we don't just

:10:04.:10:08.

listen. We take the news to THEM, an all.

:10:08.:10:12.

Heel, Brian! Heel! Woaaaah! It can get seriously annoying and a

:10:12.:10:55.

bit more-ish. Heel, Brian! Ahh! Say what you like about his work,

:10:55.:10:58.

Jahmene Mann really knows his way around a good cup of tea.

:10:58.:11:00.

You're not wrong, all unfortunately.

:11:00.:11:03.

True. Seriously, have you forgotten your passport or something?! Get

:11:03.:11:05.

out! Calm down, Bob. That must mean Phil

:11:05.:11:09.

Tyme's got some news about the DNN- NN-NN job for us. What do you know,

:11:09.:11:11.

Phil? No name I have found out one thing - it's

:11:11.:11:14.

definitely a I have found out one thing - it's

:11:14.:11:17.

it. I know. It's Factor, this, so that narrowing it

:11:17.:11:30.

down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! And you, Felicity. Slightly

:11:30.:11:36.

down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! running myself, but if you take me,

:11:36.:11:38.

down to Stacey-May! Nellie - Davina! you've also got to take Terry, and

:11:38.:11:39.

no-one who eats that you've also got to take Terry, and

:11:39.:11:45.

in an enclosed space - disgusting, so the big boss is going to be out

:11:45.:11:49.

in a few minutes, and we'll be waiting here, live and exclusively

:11:49.:11:57.

for DNN. Don't go anywhere. Right. Let's have another looksee.

:11:57.:12:00.

What's all this, Felicity? It's all my old hair, Bob. BOB:

:12:00.:12:04.

Well, why are you taking it on holiday?

:12:04.:12:05.

Because I'm worth it. You see, you constantly surprise me,

:12:05.:12:09.

Felicity. That's why I think DNNNNNNNN - that's why "that show"

:12:09.:12:17.

is a bad idea. At least here you never know what to expect. Come on.

:12:17.:12:28.

Let's get this grey hair. Come on. Fly, Keith. Just to mind light! Oh,

:12:28.:12:35.

Keith. This is Alan. My actual name is eeee! Eeeegh! No, the gh is

:12:35.:12:49.

silent as in snowplow. Live on the banks of Snowdonia... Oh, wrong

:12:49.:12:55.

specs. These are my head tray ones. No! My cape of justice will protect

:12:55.:12:59.

us! Nice canoe, by the way. I was hoping

:12:59.:13:04.

you wouldn't notice. What idiot runs security here? Ten-four, all quiet

:13:04.:13:14.

here. My pleasure.My pleasure. No, it's my pleasure. It's my pleasure.

:13:14.:13:23.

This is mega-anti-lol. My pleasure. My pleasure. Whoa, Felicity, you

:13:23.:13:28.

didn't dell me you had a sister. My pleasure! My pleasure! Robert, do

:13:28.:13:31.

you want me to come into the pleasure! My pleasure! Robert, do

:13:31.:13:34.

and have words in person? Is that what you want? She's in your dress!

:13:34.:13:38.

Turn it off. How is this my career? what you want? She's in your dress!

:13:38.:13:44.

But don't you like stability, Bob? Of course I like you. And it's

:13:44.:13:46.

pronounced Of course I like you. And it's

:13:46.:13:47.

Right, damage control. If you DO get Of course I like you. And it's

:13:47.:14:08.

drive. Gary Ogden. I'm doing it, daddy, I mean Benny.

:14:09.:14:15.

drive. Gary Ogden. I'm doing it, Ogden. Smaller, smaller than that...

:14:15.:14:27.

Gary Ogden. I am! Gary Ogden. OK, point taken.

:14:27.:14:39.

Jahmene. LAUGHTER

:14:39.:14:41.

That still leaves you with three solid professional choices. There's

:14:41.:14:46.

Nellie, Stacey-May and Davina. So, clowns, are they hilarious or

:14:46.:14:51.

terrifying? Or just people who've bought too much white foundation and

:14:51.:14:57.

need to grow up? ! Tornadoes are going to rip through like the

:14:57.:15:03.

judgmental mother-in-law looking for dust. Not done, you are very

:15:03.:15:09.

unprofessional. I've got lozengers OK, don't think I won't use 'em.

:15:09.:15:14.

There 'll be rain. I've not looked at the satellite aimages, but it's

:15:14.:15:22.

Wales for an educated guess. I'm better than a bumblebee. Never put a

:15:22.:15:29.

pun in my autocue again. In the glorious emerald paradise that is

:15:29.:15:38.

Newcastle... ! You have ruined it. Like everything. This is the worst

:15:38.:15:45.

holiday I've ever had. The main thing we've learned from all this is

:15:45.:15:53.

not to mess with Nellie Osman. I hope you are listening, Robert. You

:15:53.:15:59.

can't believe leave. Why not? Because of those three. Play the

:15:59.:16:03.

tape. You have to have a heart of stone to leave

:16:03.:16:08.

tape. You have to have a heart of # Just the two of us... #

:16:08.:16:10.

There's an egg in my cup. Better. # Just the two of us... #

:16:10.:16:15.

think Bob is the best # Just the two of us... #

:16:15.:16:24.

anchor. Bob. I won. I don't know how to describe it. Like the USA, the

:16:24.:16:26.

United States are awesome. to describe it. Like the USA, the

:16:26.:16:31.

all of this is a dream. If it was a dream,

:16:31.:16:34.

all of this is a dream. If it was a Once again, let go of my

:16:34.:16:42.

all of this is a dream. If it was a about the news. That's better. Is

:16:43.:16:45.

that a horse wearing trousers? Where? My mistake.All queue here.

:16:45.:16:53.

Cancel that and send reinforcements. Happy place, Bob.

:16:53.:16:58.

# Just the two of us... # Ought to Tutankhamen. That's how you

:16:58.:17:08.

break the news. Look at him. I can tell he's thinking. There are three

:17:08.:17:15.

Bs in Bob Roberts. Look, it was a lovely tape, Bob, but this is the

:17:15.:17:18.

big break that I've been waiting for. Stay! I'll pay you. In belly

:17:18.:17:25.

button fluff. Not an incentive, Bob. It's all I have. Would you stay if I

:17:25.:17:31.

finally finish telling you about Nellie's unfortunate incident?

:17:31.:17:34.

Maybe. Come on, hit me. No! I meant with the story. Oh, all

:17:34.:17:39.

right. Kill the studio power, no screens, no curtains, no reflective

:17:39.:17:44.

surfaces. I'm taking no chances with Nellie popping up.

:17:44.:17:52.

So, where've we got to? We were heading to Buckingham Palace and she

:17:52.:17:55.

didn't realise there was a Princess behind her. I tell a lie, it was

:17:55.:18:00.

Lennox Lewis, but he was in a ball gown. In came the famous shoe

:18:00.:18:10.

designer. Jimmy Choo?Bless you. Nellie goes to see the person

:18:10.:18:13.

honourable friending the horn and it was bill Turnbull off Breakfast with

:18:13.:18:18.

a bass guitar. Them they go on a road trip, drive up to the skinny

:18:18.:18:27.

aisles. Scilly.I know! The camper van had been modified by that

:18:27.:18:32.

footballer Robbie. Savage?No, he's nice. Before too long they realised

:18:33.:18:37.

footballer Robbie. Savage?No, he's they'd taken a wrong turn. They

:18:37.:18:39.

emerged from the sea, Nellie popped out to pick up a French pancake.

:18:39.:18:44.

Cpepe? Anton Du Beke's blimp. Careful what

:18:44.:18:52.

you say, Anton Du Beke's blimp. Careful what

:18:52.:19:06.

no, no, no! Not now.What's it to be, Flicky?

:19:06.:19:12.

job? Let's assume our position, Bob. OK, this is the big one. Do you know

:19:12.:19:17.

who's got the job? Don't rush me, Felicity, it's my big

:19:17.:19:21.

who's got the job? Don't rush me, because here comes the DNNNNNN big

:19:21.:19:25.

boss right now. Please show your utmost respect for his Lordship,

:19:25.:19:31.

little Alan Sugar. Hello, Phil. Hello, your grace, I believe you

:19:31.:19:37.

have some news for me to break? I do. It's here. Thank you.No

:19:37.:19:43.

problem. Back to the board room. Stay lucky, son.

:19:43.:19:51.

This is proper exciting, this. What is all the noise? I can't hear

:19:51.:19:57.

Harry. It's my business.Phil knows who got the job. Just tell us? All

:19:57.:20:01.

right, all right, keep your very nice hair on! They say, and I quote

:20:01.:20:09.

"this woman constantly demonstrates charm and astonishing journalistic

:20:09.:20:13.

nous, as well as a staggering about ability to deal with Bob Roberts'

:20:13.:20:19.

relentless rubbish". That's everyone on the show. Got a point there,

:20:19.:20:24.

like. I can reveal the journalist who's landed the co- coanchor spot

:20:24.:20:34.

on DNNNNNN is... Woah woah woah

:20:34.:20:40.

I'm loving this, me. Here it comes. It's... Me... What? !What? ! You

:20:41.:20:50.

have ruined me exclusive. That was an autobiographies lute shoe-in as

:20:50.:20:56.

well. Cheese and crackers, man, I hate this job sometimes me. Terry,

:20:56.:21:00.

start the van, we are going home and take them back. Unbelievable.

:21:00.:21:05.

You got the job, but you are not allowed to be in

:21:05.:21:08.

You got the job, but you are not more. Finally someone's acknowledged

:21:08.:21:10.

You got the job, but you are not my skills and given me another

:21:10.:21:13.

chance because I'm a professional. I've known about it for weeks. Can

:21:13.:21:16.

someone get Henry. Is this true? I I've known about it for weeks. Can

:21:16.:21:31.

you. Is that Louise Minchin from BBC Breakfast? EU missed

:21:31.:21:43.

you. Is that Louise Minchin from BBC Great whosmt is it? Ellie Osmon.I'm

:21:43.:21:43.

surprised, especially after the unfortunate business last year.

:21:43.:21:46.

Thursday that was blown unfortunate business last year.

:21:46.:21:51.

proportion. Not really. Let's not forget my friend Bill was there. He

:21:51.:21:56.

even sent me some pictures. Have a look. It's appalling.A bit.

:21:56.:22:02.

Seriously? How did they get an elephant up the Eiffel Tower? What

:22:02.:22:10.

is it, Henry? I think you had better take a look at this. Is that Nellie?

:22:10.:22:16.

What's Taylor swift doing on a bungee rope? Can't look. Sorry,

:22:16.:22:23.

chaps, I've got to go. Some sports reporter's invited me to a barbecue,

:22:23.:22:27.

he says we are close personal friends. Can't place him. Bye. Well,

:22:27.:22:33.

this will not do, you are fired. No, please, I want to just be back in

:22:33.:22:38.

the studio. So what happens now? Plan B.

:22:38.:22:42.

Hey, Felicity Bond is nobody's Plan B. You are right. And anyway, I

:22:42.:22:48.

couldn't leave you guys, I'm staying. Plan C then. Send her in.

:22:48.:22:54.

You are mired! Hello. What? Who is that? Does she

:22:54.:23:02.

work here? I've literally never seen her ball. Hello DNN studio, an

:23:02.:23:10.

excellent decision. My reputation remains as untarnished as a freshly

:23:10.:23:18.

ly starched pair of smalls. Now cut the link, you are wasting

:23:18.:23:25.

electricity. You knead a hair cut! I can't believe it. Sticking with

:23:25.:23:29.

us, Felicity? Yes, Bob, I am.So are you Nellie, I've got to say I'm

:23:29.:23:34.

quite relieved. You are the best journalist here! Really?Bob!

:23:34.:23:39.

quite relieved. You are the best is. And I promise I'll never mention

:23:39.:23:43.

the unfortunate incident ever again. You promise. Thank you. Was that a

:23:43.:23:49.

smile? No. Group hug. So until next time,

:23:49.:23:57.

smile? No. Group hug. So until next irpressible Bob Roberts. Say

:23:57.:23:57.

goodbye, Bob?

:23:57.:24:00.

A sideways, upside down and back to front look at the week's headlines. Bob Roberts and Felicity Bond in the DNN newsroom as they look back at the news that's broken over the first series. The big story is that a change is coming at DNN. What could it be and who does it involve? It's the news, but not as you know it!


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS