Episode 13 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

-Hello, I'm the impeccable Felicity Bond.

-And I'm Bob Roberts.

Welcome to the DNN Top Tennn

where we look back at our favourite moments and memories

from the first series of DNN.

You know, Flicky, I remember everything that happened on DNN

like it was yesterday.

-Really, Bob? What did happen yesterday?

-Erm...

-No, it's gone.

-Well, thankfully this show is here to jog your memory.

Oh, no, I remember! I swallowed my shoe again.

-So, let's kick things off with, well, kicking things off.

-Yes!

The professional news anchor knows how to greet the audience in a manner

that is friendly, but sombre, with intelligence and authority.

Sadly, Bob is not a professional news anchor.

So take a look at some of our weirdest welcomes.

Hello, and welcome. I'm Bob Roberts.

And I'm the remarkable Felicity Bond.

And you're watching the Bob o'clock news.

-Coming up on today's show - a wander around Wimbledon.

-Oh, give me a sec.

Entertainment news from a field.

The Olympic anniversary games.

-And I'll be custard pie-ing an American.

-No, you will not.

-Oh, spoilsport.

-No, I don't.

I do the best I can in difficult circumstances.

Bob, you can not do the rest of the show in your PJs.

Oh, you're quite right, Felicity.

-Give us a kiss!

-I only signed up to work with one muppet!

Ha! That got rid of her.

You're on my script? Huh? Woo!

-All that and more, only on...

-DNN!

See if you can guess what this one is.

-How dare you!

-No! No, it doesn't mean that!

It does mean that.

Aah, professional journalism at its best. What's up next, then, Flicky?

Well, Bob, it's the time unlucky reporter Phil Tyme told us

about a supermarket giving away a lifetime supply of groceries.

A lifetime supply of groceries! Well, you'd need a massive fridge!

Anyway, Phil and Terry were a bit naughty

and got into the supermarket's computer.

Ha! And you said that man couldn't hack it.

Well, he still got things a bit wrong

when he tracked down the winner.

I'm here with Donna Johns for an amazing moment.

Donna, can you confirm for us that this

is your Crandon's loyalty card number?

Erm, yeah.

-So, does this mean...?

-It really does, Donna. Finally, an exclusive.

I'm happy to tell you that you have won free groceries for life

courtesy of Crandon's supermarket! Hit the music!

Aaaah!

Oh, I don't believe it! Free food for life!

I'll never have to work again!

So, I'd just like to say to my boss, your job's rubbish!

And you've got BO!

-You're fired!

-No, I quit!

Ho-ho! She's over the moon! Congratulations!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, can we turn the music off? Me phone's going.

Hello?

Oh, Terry, it's the owner of Crandon's.

What?

Oh...

Cheese and crackers, man.

Donna, I am so sorry...

-I had it upside down.

-What?

-You haven't won.

-But I just quit my job.

Terry...start the van.

This is Phil Tyme chucking some change into Donna's leaving kitty,

live for DNN.

-Right, come here.

-I'm so sorry! Oh!

Phil Tyme there.

A man who couldn't break a story if it was made of cream crackers.

Next, it's Newcastle's finest export,

unbreakable weather girl, Davina Wave.

Yes, when it came to challenging Davina,

we threw pretty much everything at her - including the kitchen sink.

Ha! I know. It bounced straight off her.

Do you think there's anything she wouldn't do?

-Well, we couldn't get her to go to London.

-Ah, London.

It's like Geordie kryptonite.

Anyway, here's a look back at what happened

when we asked her to do the weather on a roller coaster.

Time for the weather in the glorious emerald paradise that is...

Aaaaahhh!

It's going to be warm and toasty, like freshly made...

Aaaah!

..put on the dinner table by your...

There's going to be a strong breeze...

Aaaah!

..Strong as the mighty...

..that goes over the beautiful...

Taking us good, honest Geordie folk for another hard day's...

Away the lads! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Woooo!

Davina Wave there. As tough as old pink boots.

Now it's time to take a look at our star dribbler,

-and I don't call him that because he used to play football.

-Ha-ha! Yes!

It's Gary Ogden. What that man doesn't know about sport...

Is basically everything about sport.

But he's had some fantastic moments this series,

and my personal favourite was when he met cricketing legend

and Strictly star, Michael Vaughan.

Oh, yes, another close personal friend of Gary's...

-..who'd never atually met him.

-Ha-ha!

-Do you remember Lord's 2005?

-I do remember Lord's 2005.

Yeah, well, I was the guy who was stood behind you

in the hot dog queue.

I was shouting, "Vaughany!" Do you remember that?

-No?

-No.

-Look, where you were,

you were stood, you were stood there, you were holding a hot dog.

So hold your hot dog. Smaller. Smaller than that. And you had...

Put it towards your face. That's it.

And I was shouting, I was the guy who was going, "Vaughany! It's Oggy!

"It's... It's Gary Ogden." Do you remember that?

-I think you've got the wrong bloke.

-Oh, great days.

As we're at the Old Trafford cricket ground, venue for some of this

year's The Ashes, Mikey and I went for a bit of a kick about.

-Hang on a minute. It's the other way round.

-Ah. OK.

-Yeah.

-No, no, no, you were actually facing the right way,

it's your hands need to be at the other end of the bat.

Gary Ogden there,

and that's him going back onto the subs bench for now.

So, next up it's a moment from the reporter more hard-hitting

than a diamond-headed sledgehammer. It's Nellie Osmond.

Yes, we've seen Nelly look into to clowns, talking animals

and school exams.

We've also seen her get promoted and sacked in the space of two minutes.

-Well, she's an efficient woman, Bob.

-Ha-ha!

Anyway, here's Nellie taking a look at the I Can Boogie app

and dance-wear suit where we finally saw her get er...

-Get erm...

-Get down.

-Oh, OK!

So, first up, I want to see you dance without the app.

SONG: "I Can't Dance" by Genesis

Oh, quite enough of that.

OK, so that's without I Can Boogie. Now let's try it with.

SONG: "Night Fever" by Bee Gees

Right, well, yes, I can confirm that the suit

and the app certainly appear to be working, but, erm...

I don't think I'm going to be on stage with Beyonce any time soon.

That's just the warm-up setting.

Let's turn it all the way up to Sasha Fierce.

SONG: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce

What's happening? It's taking over!

Right, this is not appropriate for a journalist of my stature.

Oh, OK. Thank you. You can turn it off now.

I think you've proved your point.

-Oh.

-Oh, what?

-The app's crashed.

Turn the phone off, then.

Uh-huh, yeah. That's actually crashed, too. Sorry.

Perfect. So, it seems that while apps can do almost anything,

the one thing they can't do is stop people from making

rubbish technology.

This is Nellie Osmond grudgingly putting a ring on it for DNN.

Nellie Osmond there, going one dance step further than anyone else

for the sake of good journalism.

And we go straight from the nation's most committed journalist

to the nation's best substitute for counting sheep. It's Henry Smart.

Why do you always have a go at Henry, Bob?

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

OK, well, just to remind you, here's the moment

when DNN's viewers first met Henry.

And if you remember, Bob, I'd hypnotised you into dancing

every time you heard the words Gangnam...

Don't say it, just play the tape! La-la-la-la-la!

-Henry, so lovely to see you, as ever.

-Hello, Felicity.

Aww, and hello, Bob.

Ah, yes. DNN No Nonsense Nightly News.

-That's DNNNNNNNN for short.

-That's too many N's, Bob.

Is it? Was it?

-DNNNN. I have 11 fingers!

-Amazing. One for every brain cell.

No, ten fingers. That one's just a pen. Ha-ha!

So, Henry, about time you got me on your show, isn't it?

SHE LAUGHS HEARTILY

I've got things pretty much under control at this end, Felicity.

But I can see why you'd rather be sat next to a real journalist

instead of a human chimp.

Anyway, if you're looking for real news...

Boring news.

..join me later for DNNNNNN.

That's Dull Not Not Not Not Ninteresting News.

-Oh, and er, one last thing, Bob.

-Oh, what is that, Henry?

Gangnam Style.

SONG: "Gangnam Style" by Psy

-SHE MOUTHS:

-Thank you.

Any time, Felicity.

And bye-bye, Bob.

-You've got something on your face.

-Er, what is it, banana?

-Oh, sorry, it's a look of idiocy.

-Er?

-And some banana.

Yes, very funny, Felicity.

And may I just apologise to any viewers who were bored to sleep

by Henry during that last segment and fell off the sofa.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

Next on our list of magic moments is our tea-boy Jahmene Mann.

-Yeah, let's street the meat.

-That's the wrong catch phrase, Bob.

-Is it?

Hang on. Er... Let's strain the milk. No.

While Bob works that out, let's take another look at when Jahmene

-got you guys celebrating. Let's...

-Shave the marmoset. No!

SONG: "Good Time" By Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen

# It's always a good time

# Woah-oh-oh-oh

# We don't even have to try

# It's always a good time

# Woah-oh-oh

# It's always a good time

# Woah-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh

# We don't even have to try

# It's always a good time... #

Jahmene Mann there. He is out standing in the street.

That's nice of you, Felicity.

No, I mean he is literally out standing in the street. Look.

Ah, so he is. We'll have a cup of tea when you're done!

And a custard cream!

Now from the man on the street to the women on the webcam.

Here's what happened when we asked for your thoughts

on Jane Austen being put on the new £10 note.

Ooh, crinkly!

It's ridiculous!

When I look at a bank note I don't want to look at an author,

I want someone with business sense. Like Alan Sugar.

Now, there's a face I could stare at all day.

Hello! We adapted a Jane Austen book for the school play last term.

It was great. I was only playing the part of a hedge which had one line,

"rustle, rustle," and I didn't get to bow at the end cos my costume was

difficult to walk in, and I did need the loo through the whole

of act two, but it was still a great experience.

Skippty-wap!

I love you, Jane Austen!

£10 notes are the only money I'm going to use

for the rest of me life. Bus drivers are going to hate me!

-There we go. And say what you like about webcams...

-Oh, finally.

Well, they're good for video chat,

but they're terrible at baking cupcakes. What's your point?

-Your mind never ceases to astonish me, Bob!

-£8 at a car boot sale!

-Bargain!

-Just two to go now,

and who can forget when our 1D-obsessed showbiz reporter

Stacy-May Anais tried to conquer the charts with her Harry Styles single.

Which made sure that when it comes to Harry Styles she'll always be single.

Yes, fingers in ears, folks. You're in for a bumpy ride.

# You've got hair like an otter

# You've got eyes like an owl.

# You're the bestest decision

# Ever made by Simon Cowell

# Harry Styles

# For you I'd run miles and miles

# You smile just like an angel smiles

# I love you

# Harry Styles. #

Stacy-May Anais there.

You know, I think of her every time I make a sandwich.

Well, that's just about it from DNN's Top Tennn.

But our last little package of clips is all about the true star

of the show - the DNN news desk.

Yes, Flicky, that's where so much magic happens in the DNN studio.

Because I sit there.

It's also where some of the most idiotic things happen because...

-No idea what you're talking about.

-Really?

Well, fortunately the pictures speak for themselves. Roll the tape.

-Bob?

-Ah! Tutankhamun!

There's an egg in my cup.

'I think Bob is the best news anchor in the world!'

Aah! Ha-ha!

Hey, I did it! I broke the breaking news!

'I'm Bob Roberts. I don't know anything about the news.'

-Not in front of the camera!

-Sorry! Oh, sorry, sorry.

Fly, Keith! Just mind the lights!

CRASH

Oh, Keith...

I am a caring and patient person!

With a beautiful soul!

What?

I want you to hug me!

How did she even get in here?

Oh, probably same way we do, I suppose, through the door.

PHONE RINGS Aah! My game machine's ringing.

Fetch!

THEY GROWL

It's unbelievable to think that someone can have that little control

over their own body.

Well, you say that made me look stupid, but I found 5p back there.

-Wow, five whole P.

-Totally worth it.

Well, we hope you've enjoyed looking back at some of our best bits.

That's all from the DNN Top Tennn.

-We'll see you againnn.

-Again.

OK. We'll see you againnn.

-No, I meant again.

-It was fine the first time.

This could take a while.

-Until next time, say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob!