Episode 1 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Don't panic! I'm here!? Let's get started.

Oh, hello, Felicity! Cosy new set. I like it.

-That's the cleaner's cupboard, Bob.

-We have a cleaner?

Come on - we can't be late for the new boss's first day.

-New boss?

-Wey-ey, man! The new boss is looking for yous!

Absolutely! (Didn't get a word.) What new boss?

Don't you read your e-mails?

No, but I do read your e-mails.

Gary, studio's this way.

-Yep!

-So who's the new boss?

Hello, Felicity. And...hello, Bob.

Henry Smart?!

So who is the new boss?

Oh, come on! Really?

No, seriously, who is the new boss?

Hello. I'm the fragrant Felicity Bond...

..and I'm Dr Bob Roberts, and you're watching DNN.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Doctor" Bob Roberts?

Not now, Nurse - it's time for the headlines.

Countryfile stars go on strike, but their demands are unclear.

What do you want?

SHEEP BAA

When do you want it?

SHEEP BAA

Diversity reveal a dramatic change in style after a holiday in Dublin.

MAN HUMS IRISH-STYLE MUSIC

And Nana's false teeth turn up at a local farm.

Smile!

And in other news...

What are you doing?

Listening to the sound of the sea.

You are not a doctor, Bob.

Yes, I am.

Look, I've got a certificate to prove it, and whatever this is...

-It's a stethoscope.

-Argh! You're a stethoscope.

The University of Internetshire?

You realise this doesn't mean you can practise medicine.

You don't need practice when you're as good as me, Flicky.

Pop yourself on the couch and I'll be with you in the shake of a...

What is that? Sort of a hoof?!

-Bob Roberts - the world's only living brain donor.

-Ha-ha-ha!

Now, it's time to investigate Swindling Britain.

Yes, over four e-mails have flooded in asking

The People's Champion, Phil Tyme, to solve your consumer problems.

Yes, Phil Tyme - a man who'd lose his own feet

if they weren't attached to his body.

Ha-ha! Even I wouldn't do that, and I'm medically speaking "an idiot".

My feet are right where I left them, right where I...

What are you up to this week, Phil?

Ah. Found them! They were hiding in my shoes!

Phil?

Hello, Felicity. You've probably wondering

why I'm dressed as a postbox.

Is your traffic-light costume in the wash?

Eh? No.

It's because this week I'm being the People's Champion for Valerie here.

Don't be shy. It's only the telly.

SHE GASPS

Steady on! You're scaring Terry!

Oh, sorry! Sorry!

Keep your distance, Terry.

Just zoom in and out.

Now, Valerie wrote to tell me of the traffic warden

round these parts who likes to give out fines to people,

even when they've got a valid ticket. Tell us about it.

He likes to give out fines to people,

-even when they've got a valid ticket.

-Anything else?

-He's a traffic warden.

-Blood out of a stone, this one.

Now, Terry has parked the van in that spot there

for an hour with a valid ticket.

When that traffic warden comes along and tries to fine us,

I'm going to jump out and give him a right telling off!

So join us later for this amazing sting, live on DNN.

-T'other way, Valerie.

-Sorry!

-Daft as a brush. I'll see you in a bit.

Thanks, Phil.

Join us later to see

if Phil Tyme can catch this no-good traffic warden.

I wouldn't hold your breath. What are you doing?

Holding my breath! You're not the boss of me.

Now, let's go over to the man who takes the measure of the nation -

it's Jahmene Mann.

What have you got for us today, Jahmene?

Thanks, Felicity - well, here's a clue...

What are you doing to that invisible goose?

No, I'm not - it's air guitar.

Cool. I play the water trumpet. We should start a band.

Sure thing, Gramps.

So, you may not be able to see the instruments,

but the art of Air Guitar is becoming more and more visible.

There are even Air Guitar World Championships.

But what raw talent is out there amongst the Great British public,

just waiting for their moment in the invisible spotlight?

Let's Meet The Street.

Yes, I have plugged in my pretend amp, tuned up my nonexistent

strings and I am ready to soak up the imaginary applause.

APPLAUSE

So join me as I try and find Britain's best air guitarists.

Let's rock.

MUSIC: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

Well, there is no doubt that we Brits

are in tune with our inner rock star.

But if there's one thing that I've learned today,

it's that some people take their air rock incredibly seriously.

Hit it!

MUSIC: "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple

-What are you doing?

-Rock'n'roll!

-That's my most expensive air guitar.

You've cost me an imaginary fortune. Come here, you! Come here!

I'll buy you another one! Man down!

Time now for entertainment news - so let's go over

to the relentlessly positive movie megamind that is Kelly Fornia.

-Thanks, Bobster! Hi, Flickster!

-Hello, Kelly.

Oh-my-wow. I ultraheart your accent.

It's so cool. Seriously best voice ever.

I wish I could do an accent as cool as yours

then I could buy squirty cheese

and go to the prom with Taylor cos he's such a dreamboat

and I don't believe the rumours and say ALUMINUM.

ALUMINUM. ALUMINUM.

-KELLY!

-Hi!

-Showbiz news.

Gotcha! OK. Here's all the goss!

A new trailer has been released for "Honey, I shrank the newsreader!"

The panel said it welcomed the apology

but said some of the financial costs could have been avoided.

Coronation Street's Dev enters a small cup lifting competition.

-Now?

-Yes.

-Oh...

And on Wizards Versus Aliens, the operation to turn

Tom Clark into TV chef Gordon Ramsay is a huge success.

Brilliant!

Now, music videos - we've all seen loads of them,

and they're all amazing, but what makes a great music video?

Sparrows.

Close, but not in a million years, Bobster. Take a look!

-Oh, my! Wow! I am

-so

-excited,

because this is my super-awesome step-by-step guide

to making your very own music video.

Phones out...

let's make some music movie mega-magic. Here we go-o-o!

Step one, awesome music videos always start in black-and-white.

-It's totally the law.

-DANCE MUSIC

A-ma-zing!

Step two, walk along the street looking cool,

but like you're super-lost, but you don't care.

MUSIC: "I Wanna Go" by Nikki Flores

Step three, dance break.

Step four, get a sports car.

Oi, get away from my car!

Step five, another dance break!

Six, bring out someone super-cute.

Blimey! Super cute!

-Did you hear that, Mum?

-And another.

I'm definitely not happy about this.

-One more.

-Let's make a video.

-Uh, this couldn't get any more embarrassing.

-Yes, it could.

Step seven, group dance break!

MUSIC CONTINUES

So, that's how to make a music video that's fantastically astonishing.

Or, as I've just decided to call it, fan-stonishing!

Ooh! I love making videos about making videos!

Hey, maybe I should make a video about them,

and then I can make a video about videos about making videos...

I should totally direct music videos.

And then I could segue into directing films.

That would be awesome! Hey, that sounded American -

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Awesome!

-Thanks, Kelly.

-Awesome! Awesome!

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!

-HE BLOWS SHARPLY

-Oww!

I think we have mosquitoes, but I didn't hear a high-pitched whine.

Well, I did when I was standing by Gary when he was making a call...

THUD!

-BOB LAUGHS

-Good shot!

Guaranteed to put you to sleep in three seconds.

I call it the Henry Smart Dart.

And we'll have more showbiz news next week.

No, no! Now... No, you wouldn't dare...

-WHOOSH! Oh.

-Isn't that right, Bob?

Oh, it's not affected me... HE SNORES

It's time for us to go to a break.

We'll be back in a moment after these messages.

BOB CONTINUES SNORING

And we're on a break.

OK, everyone, can I have a word, please?

I've got one for you, Henry. How about "sluice"?

As your new boss, I'd just like to say...

-that was a shambles!

-Thank you!

You know, I may have misjudged you, Henry.

-Felicity?

-Yes, Henry?

You're too smiley. We're not selling toothpaste.

Jahmene, what's the matter with you?

I've injured my wrist - I played too much air guitar.

-Well, see a doctor.

-Ah-ha-ha!

-Not Bob.

-Come here.

-JAHMENE WINCES

-Henry, can I ask, are you sacking me?

-Why would I sack you, Gary?

Well, if you do not know, I'm not going to tell you.

Don't worry, Henry. At least you know you have one serious,

sensible journalist on the team.

I've seen your report for this week.

Right, that outfit was not my idea...

-OK, everyone, back on in ten!

-As the new chief of DNN,

I need you all to remember that this is supposed to be a slick,

polished news programme.

BOB SPLUTTERS A what?

You have seen the show before, right?

Welcome back.

Coming up in part two, sport news with Gary Ogden.

We'll have the weather with Davina Wave.

And Phil Tyme will be ambushing an overzealous traffic warden.

-But first...

-I have an important medical announcement!

There's a disturbing food trend sweeping the country,

and, as a doctor, I say it's got to stop.

Yes, I'm talking about the sick habit of eating these -

mouse brains!

That's a walnut, Bob.

Ah, I may have made a scene in a health food shop...

As I was saying, it's time for our special investigation.

So let's cross to the reporter so tough

her teddy bear's a grizzly. It's Nellie Osmond.

Thank you, Robert. Despite economic hard times,

recent figures reveal that we're spending more than ever on our pets,

with reports of people splashing out thousand of pounds on parties

for their dogs. I mean, they're animals, for goodness' sake!

Here's my unbiased report into this farce.

This is Gustav, a party planner from Party Pet-tacular,

the pet pooch party planning professionals...in Putney.

Hello, Miss Osmond.

Here at Party Pet-tacular, we pride ourselves on being top dog,

if you'll excuse the pun.

I won't, but moving on.

What services do you actually provide?

Basically whatever the dog wants,

and today we are having the most enormous birthday party

for one of our most demanding clients.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, excuse me. Speak.

What do you mean, the postman's cancelled?

Well, what's everyone supposed to bark at?

No, don't worry, I'll find someone myself. Thank you(!)

Unbelievable.

Hmm, Miss Osmond...

Er, no.

-# Who let the dogs out?

-Who, who, who, who...? #

Well, I feel ridiculous,

but, Linda, you're spending a frankly ludicrous amount of money

on a birthday party for your dog.

Don't you think we're overindulging our pets?

Nothing but the best for my Tinkles!

Ugh! This not the top-of-the-range sound system I told you to get!

Sorry, poppet. I'm sorry.

Oh, my dog! Don't even talk to me right now.

-Er, excuse me, Mr...Tinkles.

-Postman?!

-TINKLES BARKS

-Get off! I'm not a real postman!

Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm trying to do a job of work here!

-Is this telly?

-Well, after a fashion.

-Hello!

Now, Tinkles, do you think you deserve a huge party like this?

Duh! My BFF, Sniffy, for his birthday,

he got a life-size squeaky castle.

I totally deserve a better party.

Here's your present, poppet!

TINKLES SCOFFS

A smartphone? What am I, five?!

I wanted a car!

Oh, get a grip! You're a dog! You can't drive!

Right, I've had enough of this. Tinkles, bad dog! In your bed!

TINKLES WHIMPERS

Now, stay! So, I think I've proven beyond all doubt that,

when we spoil our pets, we really do unleash a beast.

Excuse me, where did you want the ice sculptures?

-Ugh. You, fetch.

-GUSTAV BARKS

Back to you, Robert.

Fascinating stuff. Thanks, Nellie.

Robert, don't talk with your mouth full.

-Did you see...?!

-See what?

Thanks, Nellie. But would you mind not eating in the studio?

It's a bit unprofessional.

How dare...? It's clearly not mine. As you know, I'm a strict...

-Everything?

-Well, yes, but I was going to say vegan.

You see? I knew she was an alien!

Now over to the UK's most nervous travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

Erm, Bea, are you there?

Yep, I'm here, yep.

SHE SCREAMS

Sorry, I didn't expect to actually see you!

Er, it's a live link-up, Bea.

Oh, yes! You're right. Of course, yes.

BREATHES DEEPLY

I am fine.

Right, I'm here on the M121212

and if we take a look at the traffic we find... Aah!

What is it, Bea?

Felicity, it's an absolute nightmare.

There are literally hundreds of metal boxes on wheels

and they are all coming this way!

They're just cars, Bea! You must have seen a car before?

Yes, well, they are a lot scarier when you see them in the wild!

I don't like it!

SHE SINGS

So, er, what would your...

SINGING CONTINUES

Carry on, please!

OK, so, er, what would your travel advice be for the DNN viewers?

My advice would be, don't do it!

Stay inside, lock your doors and read a nice book.

Because outside, it is literally carmageddon!

CAR BEEPS ITS HORN

Everybody down!

Beatrice Rhodes, there.

And she'll be back with more travel news next time.

Ah! That's where I left my pizza.

Time now to go to the man whose contact book is emptier than

a jar of space - it's Gary Ogden.

Thanks, Bob.

Welcome to the DNN Sports Locker, I'm Gorgeous Gary Ogden.

These are my headlines and these are the sports...headlines!

The BBC's new sailing commentator receives

complaints about his diction.

Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!

Premier League teams have been accused of cutting costs

on cheerleaders.

DANCE MUSIC

And an ice hockey champion is called in to clean up after giant rabbit.

I didn't know you were a morris dancer, Gary.

I'm not.

Now, it was Winston Churchill who said "Open the door,

"Get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur."

And the most important of those things is of course,

"Get on the floor" and that's exactly what I did

when I went to find out how to do gymnastics,

even if someone's pinched all of your equipment.

Over to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary!

Now, of all the places to do gymnastics - the beach,

the airing cupboard, the supermarket, even Spain -

my favourite is definitely the floor.

Look at her go!

-I'm here with top gymnastics coach Hannah Stand.

-Hello.

-My pleasure.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, isn't floor gymnastics

a little bit of tumbling and a little bit of boogie?

No, you need exceptional strength, flexibility, balance...

-Check, check, check.

-And musicality.

-And that's the full set.

So, sounds like I'll be a natural. I've got my outfit.

-I don't know what to say.

-Perfect. Let's get on the floor.

MUSIC: Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim

No, you're supposed to tumble, Gary, like this.

Aah!

Not bad. But check this out.

That's rhythmic gymnastics, Gary.

Where did you get that from?

No, no footballs!

That's the robot.

RIP!

Well, she'll be off to work those moves into a new routine, no doubt.

Well, another day, another sport conquered. I can't feel my legs.

Back to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary!

And that's it for this week's sport.

Hang on. So why are you dressed up for morris dancing, Gary?

This? This is jogging gear, mate.

It's white so I'm easily seen, the bells scare away cats

and the handkerchief is for flagging down runaway trains.

Right - I'm going for a jog!

BELLS JINGLE

-Gary Ogden there.

-Say what you like, Flicky...

-I like the days when you're off sick.

-Ooh, me too!

So we should head back to Phil Tyme and find out whether

he's managed to spring the trap on that overkeen traffic warden.

-Phil, how's it going?

-If I'm brutally honest, Felicity,

it's not been easy. People kept trying to feed me letters.

Paper cuts like nobody's biz,

-and still no sign of this flaming traffic warden.

-He's coming!

All right, action stations, get a shift on!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, hey, he's doing it and all. Here goes!

Now then!

Ha-ha, the people's champion, Phil Tyme from DNN.

And I demand to know why you think it's all right to give out

parking tickets for no reason whatsoever.

-Well, I can explain this. It's...

-A-ha!

Officer, thank goodness you are here.

-You, Sonny Jim, bang to rights. Officer...

-BOTH: Arrest this man!

-What? Why should she arrest me?

-Well, for impersonating a postbox.

That's not a thing, is it?

Eating Her Majesty's mail, very serious offence.

It's not the Queen's mail, it's just a couple of birthday cards

and some bumf about free broadband. That guy, that's who you want.

He's giving out dodgy tickets. Oh, cheese and crackers!

This is Phil Tyme for DNN. Do the thing with your hand.

T'other way you gormless... Take them back, crikey, take them back!

-Now it's time for my favourite part of the show.

-The end?

Nope, it's not the end.

Gary - what are you doing?

Laps.

Yes - it's time for weather with Davina Wave,

and my special friend, Map!

Thanks, Bob!

But before I do the weather, can I just say

that I've been a bit put out this week.

Why's that, Davina?

Well, Flicky, I've been rooting around on that "internet"

and apparently, not every record in the world is held by a Geordie.

Disgraceful.

Aye. And I'm not having it.

So to restore the natural order of things,

I'll be launching "Davina Wave's Record-Breaking Weather"

where I try to set a new world record for the people

of Newcastle, while telling the rest of yous if it's raining or not.

And hello, Mappy!

He waved at me, Felicity, did you see? He waved!

Isn't he magnificent?

Calm down, Bob. He's just a weather map.

-"Gone to start a fan club.

-Back in five minutes"

Anyway, stopwatch at the ready, Flicky,

cos today I'm trying to set the record for the most custard pies

thrown in my face during a 30-second weather report!

Jahmene and Kelly are on pie-pushing duties. It's gonna be epic.

In 3, 2, 1 - start splattin'!

Right, let's kick off with "That London"

where it's going to be wetter than a fish's excuse.

In Welshy Cardiff, it'll also be wet, but the rain'll be

weaker than Jahmene and Kelly's throwing arms - come on, yous two.

Step it up a gear pie-wise,

cos it's time for the weather

in Newcastle!

The Promised Land,

where the tide goes out slower

cos it just doesn't want to leave.

Wahey, it's a Bobby dazzler!

-And time's up!

-How did I do?

You got 33 pies in the face!

It's a new record!

Come here. Howay, howay.

Howay!

Davina Wave, bringing you the weather

and more pie than a geometry class.

-Right, I'm going in!

-What are you doing? You can't operate on Gary!

Relax, I gave him Anastasia.

Anaesthesia!

Felicity, don't sneeze near the patient. Ah, here it is!

That isn't what a human heart really looks like, Bob.

I should know, Felicity. I've broken a few.

SMASH! Exhibit A.

And that's all we've got time for.

I've been the unflappable Felicity Bond.

And I've...just found a trumpet.

Say goodbye, Bob!

Goodbye, Bob! You have a terrible diet.

It's an... He's alive!

And he has an extra set of legs!

These hands, they are a miracle!

I must use my gift...wisely.

Yes, Henry Smart here. Can I have my old job back?

Please!