Episode 1 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 1

A sideways look at the week's headlines. Bob Roberts has become a doctor, Gary Ogden looks at gymnastics, and Jahmene Mann searches for the nation's best air guitarists.


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Transcript


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Don't panic! I'm here!? Let's get started.

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Oh, hello, Felicity! Cosy new set. I like it.

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-That's the cleaner's cupboard, Bob.

-We have a cleaner?

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Come on - we can't be late for the new boss's first day.

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-New boss?

-Wey-ey, man! The new boss is looking for yous!

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Absolutely! (Didn't get a word.) What new boss?

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Don't you read your e-mails?

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No, but I do read your e-mails.

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Gary, studio's this way.

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-Yep!

-So who's the new boss?

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Hello, Felicity. And...hello, Bob.

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Henry Smart?!

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So who is the new boss?

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Oh, come on! Really?

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No, seriously, who is the new boss?

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Hello. I'm the fragrant Felicity Bond...

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..and I'm Dr Bob Roberts, and you're watching DNN.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Doctor" Bob Roberts?

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Not now, Nurse - it's time for the headlines.

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Countryfile stars go on strike, but their demands are unclear.

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What do you want?

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SHEEP BAA

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When do you want it?

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SHEEP BAA

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Diversity reveal a dramatic change in style after a holiday in Dublin.

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MAN HUMS IRISH-STYLE MUSIC

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And Nana's false teeth turn up at a local farm.

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Smile!

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And in other news...

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What are you doing?

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Listening to the sound of the sea.

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You are not a doctor, Bob.

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Yes, I am.

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Look, I've got a certificate to prove it, and whatever this is...

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-It's a stethoscope.

-Argh! You're a stethoscope.

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The University of Internetshire?

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You realise this doesn't mean you can practise medicine.

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You don't need practice when you're as good as me, Flicky.

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Pop yourself on the couch and I'll be with you in the shake of a...

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What is that? Sort of a hoof?!

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-Bob Roberts - the world's only living brain donor.

-Ha-ha-ha!

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Now, it's time to investigate Swindling Britain.

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Yes, over four e-mails have flooded in asking

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The People's Champion, Phil Tyme, to solve your consumer problems.

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Yes, Phil Tyme - a man who'd lose his own feet

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if they weren't attached to his body.

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Ha-ha! Even I wouldn't do that, and I'm medically speaking "an idiot".

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My feet are right where I left them, right where I...

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What are you up to this week, Phil?

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Ah. Found them! They were hiding in my shoes!

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Phil?

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Hello, Felicity. You've probably wondering

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why I'm dressed as a postbox.

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Is your traffic-light costume in the wash?

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Eh? No.

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It's because this week I'm being the People's Champion for Valerie here.

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Don't be shy. It's only the telly.

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SHE GASPS

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Steady on! You're scaring Terry!

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Oh, sorry! Sorry!

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Keep your distance, Terry.

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Just zoom in and out.

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Now, Valerie wrote to tell me of the traffic warden

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round these parts who likes to give out fines to people,

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even when they've got a valid ticket. Tell us about it.

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He likes to give out fines to people,

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-even when they've got a valid ticket.

-Anything else?

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-He's a traffic warden.

-Blood out of a stone, this one.

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Now, Terry has parked the van in that spot there

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for an hour with a valid ticket.

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When that traffic warden comes along and tries to fine us,

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I'm going to jump out and give him a right telling off!

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So join us later for this amazing sting, live on DNN.

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-T'other way, Valerie.

-Sorry!

-Daft as a brush. I'll see you in a bit.

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Thanks, Phil.

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Join us later to see

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if Phil Tyme can catch this no-good traffic warden.

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I wouldn't hold your breath. What are you doing?

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Holding my breath! You're not the boss of me.

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Now, let's go over to the man who takes the measure of the nation -

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it's Jahmene Mann.

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What have you got for us today, Jahmene?

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Thanks, Felicity - well, here's a clue...

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What are you doing to that invisible goose?

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No, I'm not - it's air guitar.

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Cool. I play the water trumpet. We should start a band.

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Sure thing, Gramps.

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So, you may not be able to see the instruments,

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but the art of Air Guitar is becoming more and more visible.

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There are even Air Guitar World Championships.

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But what raw talent is out there amongst the Great British public,

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just waiting for their moment in the invisible spotlight?

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Let's Meet The Street.

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Yes, I have plugged in my pretend amp, tuned up my nonexistent

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strings and I am ready to soak up the imaginary applause.

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APPLAUSE

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So join me as I try and find Britain's best air guitarists.

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Let's rock.

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MUSIC: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

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Well, there is no doubt that we Brits

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are in tune with our inner rock star.

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But if there's one thing that I've learned today,

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it's that some people take their air rock incredibly seriously.

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Hit it!

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MUSIC: "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple

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-What are you doing?

-Rock'n'roll!

-That's my most expensive air guitar.

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You've cost me an imaginary fortune. Come here, you! Come here!

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I'll buy you another one! Man down!

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Time now for entertainment news - so let's go over

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to the relentlessly positive movie megamind that is Kelly Fornia.

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-Thanks, Bobster! Hi, Flickster!

-Hello, Kelly.

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Oh-my-wow. I ultraheart your accent.

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It's so cool. Seriously best voice ever.

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I wish I could do an accent as cool as yours

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then I could buy squirty cheese

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and go to the prom with Taylor cos he's such a dreamboat

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and I don't believe the rumours and say ALUMINUM.

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ALUMINUM. ALUMINUM.

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-KELLY!

-Hi!

-Showbiz news.

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Gotcha! OK. Here's all the goss!

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A new trailer has been released for "Honey, I shrank the newsreader!"

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The panel said it welcomed the apology

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but said some of the financial costs could have been avoided.

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Coronation Street's Dev enters a small cup lifting competition.

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-Now?

-Yes.

-Oh...

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And on Wizards Versus Aliens, the operation to turn

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Tom Clark into TV chef Gordon Ramsay is a huge success.

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Brilliant!

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Now, music videos - we've all seen loads of them,

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and they're all amazing, but what makes a great music video?

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Sparrows.

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Close, but not in a million years, Bobster. Take a look!

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-Oh, my! Wow! I am

-so

-excited,

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because this is my super-awesome step-by-step guide

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to making your very own music video.

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Phones out...

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let's make some music movie mega-magic. Here we go-o-o!

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Step one, awesome music videos always start in black-and-white.

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-It's totally the law.

-DANCE MUSIC

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A-ma-zing!

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Step two, walk along the street looking cool,

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but like you're super-lost, but you don't care.

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MUSIC: "I Wanna Go" by Nikki Flores

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Step three, dance break.

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Step four, get a sports car.

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Oi, get away from my car!

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Step five, another dance break!

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Six, bring out someone super-cute.

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Blimey! Super cute!

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-Did you hear that, Mum?

-And another.

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I'm definitely not happy about this.

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-One more.

-Let's make a video.

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-Uh, this couldn't get any more embarrassing.

-Yes, it could.

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Step seven, group dance break!

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MUSIC CONTINUES

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So, that's how to make a music video that's fantastically astonishing.

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Or, as I've just decided to call it, fan-stonishing!

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Ooh! I love making videos about making videos!

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Hey, maybe I should make a video about them,

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and then I can make a video about videos about making videos...

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I should totally direct music videos.

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And then I could segue into directing films.

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That would be awesome! Hey, that sounded American -

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-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Awesome!

-Thanks, Kelly.

-Awesome! Awesome!

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Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!

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-HE BLOWS SHARPLY

-Oww!

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I think we have mosquitoes, but I didn't hear a high-pitched whine.

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Well, I did when I was standing by Gary when he was making a call...

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THUD!

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-BOB LAUGHS

-Good shot!

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Guaranteed to put you to sleep in three seconds.

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I call it the Henry Smart Dart.

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And we'll have more showbiz news next week.

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No, no! Now... No, you wouldn't dare...

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-WHOOSH! Oh.

-Isn't that right, Bob?

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Oh, it's not affected me... HE SNORES

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It's time for us to go to a break.

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We'll be back in a moment after these messages.

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BOB CONTINUES SNORING

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And we're on a break.

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OK, everyone, can I have a word, please?

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I've got one for you, Henry. How about "sluice"?

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As your new boss, I'd just like to say...

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-that was a shambles!

-Thank you!

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You know, I may have misjudged you, Henry.

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-Felicity?

-Yes, Henry?

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You're too smiley. We're not selling toothpaste.

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Jahmene, what's the matter with you?

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I've injured my wrist - I played too much air guitar.

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-Well, see a doctor.

-Ah-ha-ha!

-Not Bob.

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-Come here.

-JAHMENE WINCES

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-Henry, can I ask, are you sacking me?

-Why would I sack you, Gary?

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Well, if you do not know, I'm not going to tell you.

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Don't worry, Henry. At least you know you have one serious,

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sensible journalist on the team.

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I've seen your report for this week.

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Right, that outfit was not my idea...

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-OK, everyone, back on in ten!

-As the new chief of DNN,

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I need you all to remember that this is supposed to be a slick,

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polished news programme.

0:11:040:11:05

BOB SPLUTTERS A what?

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You have seen the show before, right?

0:11:070:11:11

Welcome back.

0:11:140:11:15

Coming up in part two, sport news with Gary Ogden.

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We'll have the weather with Davina Wave.

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And Phil Tyme will be ambushing an overzealous traffic warden.

0:11:200:11:24

-But first...

-I have an important medical announcement!

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There's a disturbing food trend sweeping the country,

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and, as a doctor, I say it's got to stop.

0:11:300:11:33

Yes, I'm talking about the sick habit of eating these -

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mouse brains!

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That's a walnut, Bob.

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Ah, I may have made a scene in a health food shop...

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As I was saying, it's time for our special investigation.

0:11:450:11:49

So let's cross to the reporter so tough

0:11:490:11:51

her teddy bear's a grizzly. It's Nellie Osmond.

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Thank you, Robert. Despite economic hard times,

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recent figures reveal that we're spending more than ever on our pets,

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with reports of people splashing out thousand of pounds on parties

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for their dogs. I mean, they're animals, for goodness' sake!

0:12:050:12:09

Here's my unbiased report into this farce.

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This is Gustav, a party planner from Party Pet-tacular,

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the pet pooch party planning professionals...in Putney.

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Hello, Miss Osmond.

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Here at Party Pet-tacular, we pride ourselves on being top dog,

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if you'll excuse the pun.

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I won't, but moving on.

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What services do you actually provide?

0:12:290:12:31

Basically whatever the dog wants,

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and today we are having the most enormous birthday party

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for one of our most demanding clients.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, excuse me. Speak.

0:12:380:12:41

What do you mean, the postman's cancelled?

0:12:420:12:44

Well, what's everyone supposed to bark at?

0:12:440:12:47

No, don't worry, I'll find someone myself. Thank you(!)

0:12:470:12:49

Unbelievable.

0:12:490:12:51

Hmm, Miss Osmond...

0:12:510:12:54

Er, no.

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-# Who let the dogs out?

-Who, who, who, who...? #

0:12:550:12:58

Well, I feel ridiculous,

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but, Linda, you're spending a frankly ludicrous amount of money

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on a birthday party for your dog.

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Don't you think we're overindulging our pets?

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Nothing but the best for my Tinkles!

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Ugh! This not the top-of-the-range sound system I told you to get!

0:13:090:13:13

Sorry, poppet. I'm sorry.

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Oh, my dog! Don't even talk to me right now.

0:13:150:13:19

-Er, excuse me, Mr...Tinkles.

-Postman?!

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-TINKLES BARKS

-Get off! I'm not a real postman!

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Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm trying to do a job of work here!

0:13:250:13:28

-Is this telly?

-Well, after a fashion.

-Hello!

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Now, Tinkles, do you think you deserve a huge party like this?

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Duh! My BFF, Sniffy, for his birthday,

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he got a life-size squeaky castle.

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I totally deserve a better party.

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Here's your present, poppet!

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TINKLES SCOFFS

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A smartphone? What am I, five?!

0:13:460:13:49

I wanted a car!

0:13:490:13:51

Oh, get a grip! You're a dog! You can't drive!

0:13:510:13:53

Right, I've had enough of this. Tinkles, bad dog! In your bed!

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TINKLES WHIMPERS

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Now, stay! So, I think I've proven beyond all doubt that,

0:13:590:14:02

when we spoil our pets, we really do unleash a beast.

0:14:020:14:05

Excuse me, where did you want the ice sculptures?

0:14:050:14:08

-Ugh. You, fetch.

-GUSTAV BARKS

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Back to you, Robert.

0:14:110:14:14

Fascinating stuff. Thanks, Nellie.

0:14:140:14:16

Robert, don't talk with your mouth full.

0:14:160:14:19

-Did you see...?!

-See what?

0:14:210:14:23

Thanks, Nellie. But would you mind not eating in the studio?

0:14:230:14:27

It's a bit unprofessional.

0:14:270:14:28

How dare...? It's clearly not mine. As you know, I'm a strict...

0:14:280:14:32

-Everything?

-Well, yes, but I was going to say vegan.

0:14:320:14:34

You see? I knew she was an alien!

0:14:340:14:36

Now over to the UK's most nervous travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

0:14:420:14:47

Erm, Bea, are you there?

0:14:470:14:49

Yep, I'm here, yep.

0:14:490:14:50

SHE SCREAMS

0:14:510:14:53

Sorry, I didn't expect to actually see you!

0:14:530:14:55

Er, it's a live link-up, Bea.

0:14:550:14:58

Oh, yes! You're right. Of course, yes.

0:14:580:15:00

BREATHES DEEPLY

0:15:000:15:02

I am fine.

0:15:020:15:05

Right, I'm here on the M121212

0:15:070:15:10

and if we take a look at the traffic we find... Aah!

0:15:100:15:13

What is it, Bea?

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Felicity, it's an absolute nightmare.

0:15:150:15:17

There are literally hundreds of metal boxes on wheels

0:15:170:15:20

and they are all coming this way!

0:15:200:15:22

They're just cars, Bea! You must have seen a car before?

0:15:220:15:26

Yes, well, they are a lot scarier when you see them in the wild!

0:15:260:15:29

I don't like it!

0:15:290:15:31

SHE SINGS

0:15:320:15:35

So, er, what would your...

0:15:350:15:38

SINGING CONTINUES

0:15:380:15:41

Carry on, please!

0:15:410:15:43

OK, so, er, what would your travel advice be for the DNN viewers?

0:15:430:15:47

My advice would be, don't do it!

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Stay inside, lock your doors and read a nice book.

0:15:490:15:52

Because outside, it is literally carmageddon!

0:15:520:15:56

CAR BEEPS ITS HORN

0:15:560:15:58

Everybody down!

0:15:580:15:59

Beatrice Rhodes, there.

0:16:000:16:02

And she'll be back with more travel news next time.

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Ah! That's where I left my pizza.

0:16:050:16:07

Time now to go to the man whose contact book is emptier than

0:16:130:16:16

a jar of space - it's Gary Ogden.

0:16:160:16:19

Thanks, Bob.

0:16:190:16:20

Welcome to the DNN Sports Locker, I'm Gorgeous Gary Ogden.

0:16:200:16:24

These are my headlines and these are the sports...headlines!

0:16:240:16:29

The BBC's new sailing commentator receives

0:16:290:16:31

complaints about his diction.

0:16:310:16:33

Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!

0:16:330:16:36

Premier League teams have been accused of cutting costs

0:16:390:16:43

on cheerleaders.

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DANCE MUSIC

0:16:440:16:47

And an ice hockey champion is called in to clean up after giant rabbit.

0:16:480:16:52

I didn't know you were a morris dancer, Gary.

0:16:560:16:58

I'm not.

0:16:580:17:00

Now, it was Winston Churchill who said "Open the door,

0:17:000:17:04

"Get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur."

0:17:040:17:07

And the most important of those things is of course,

0:17:070:17:10

"Get on the floor" and that's exactly what I did

0:17:100:17:13

when I went to find out how to do gymnastics,

0:17:130:17:15

even if someone's pinched all of your equipment.

0:17:150:17:18

Over to you, Gary.

0:17:180:17:20

Thanks, Gary!

0:17:200:17:21

Now, of all the places to do gymnastics - the beach,

0:17:210:17:24

the airing cupboard, the supermarket, even Spain -

0:17:240:17:27

my favourite is definitely the floor.

0:17:270:17:30

Look at her go!

0:17:300:17:33

-I'm here with top gymnastics coach Hannah Stand.

-Hello.

-My pleasure.

0:17:330:17:38

Correct me if I'm wrong here, isn't floor gymnastics

0:17:380:17:41

a little bit of tumbling and a little bit of boogie?

0:17:410:17:43

No, you need exceptional strength, flexibility, balance...

0:17:430:17:47

-Check, check, check.

-And musicality.

-And that's the full set.

0:17:470:17:51

So, sounds like I'll be a natural. I've got my outfit.

0:17:510:17:54

-I don't know what to say.

-Perfect. Let's get on the floor.

0:17:550:18:00

MUSIC: Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim

0:18:000:18:03

No, you're supposed to tumble, Gary, like this.

0:18:230:18:26

Aah!

0:18:280:18:29

Not bad. But check this out.

0:18:290:18:32

That's rhythmic gymnastics, Gary.

0:18:340:18:37

Where did you get that from?

0:18:370:18:39

No, no footballs!

0:18:420:18:44

That's the robot.

0:18:440:18:46

RIP!

0:18:490:18:50

Well, she'll be off to work those moves into a new routine, no doubt.

0:18:520:18:56

Well, another day, another sport conquered. I can't feel my legs.

0:18:560:19:01

Back to you, Gary.

0:19:010:19:02

Thanks, Gary!

0:19:060:19:07

And that's it for this week's sport.

0:19:070:19:09

Hang on. So why are you dressed up for morris dancing, Gary?

0:19:090:19:13

This? This is jogging gear, mate.

0:19:130:19:15

It's white so I'm easily seen, the bells scare away cats

0:19:150:19:18

and the handkerchief is for flagging down runaway trains.

0:19:180:19:21

Right - I'm going for a jog!

0:19:210:19:23

BELLS JINGLE

0:19:230:19:24

-Gary Ogden there.

-Say what you like, Flicky...

0:19:240:19:27

-I like the days when you're off sick.

-Ooh, me too!

0:19:270:19:30

So we should head back to Phil Tyme and find out whether

0:19:360:19:38

he's managed to spring the trap on that overkeen traffic warden.

0:19:380:19:42

-Phil, how's it going?

-If I'm brutally honest, Felicity,

0:19:420:19:46

it's not been easy. People kept trying to feed me letters.

0:19:460:19:50

Paper cuts like nobody's biz,

0:19:500:19:52

-and still no sign of this flaming traffic warden.

-He's coming!

0:19:520:19:55

All right, action stations, get a shift on!

0:19:550:19:58

HE LAUGHS

0:20:010:20:02

Oh, hey, he's doing it and all. Here goes!

0:20:020:20:07

Now then!

0:20:070:20:09

Ha-ha, the people's champion, Phil Tyme from DNN.

0:20:090:20:12

And I demand to know why you think it's all right to give out

0:20:120:20:16

parking tickets for no reason whatsoever.

0:20:160:20:18

-Well, I can explain this. It's...

-A-ha!

0:20:180:20:22

Officer, thank goodness you are here.

0:20:220:20:25

-You, Sonny Jim, bang to rights. Officer...

-BOTH: Arrest this man!

0:20:250:20:31

-What? Why should she arrest me?

-Well, for impersonating a postbox.

0:20:310:20:36

That's not a thing, is it?

0:20:360:20:38

Eating Her Majesty's mail, very serious offence.

0:20:380:20:41

It's not the Queen's mail, it's just a couple of birthday cards

0:20:410:20:45

and some bumf about free broadband. That guy, that's who you want.

0:20:450:20:49

He's giving out dodgy tickets. Oh, cheese and crackers!

0:20:490:20:54

This is Phil Tyme for DNN. Do the thing with your hand.

0:20:540:20:59

T'other way you gormless... Take them back, crikey, take them back!

0:20:590:21:04

-Now it's time for my favourite part of the show.

-The end?

0:21:060:21:09

Nope, it's not the end.

0:21:090:21:11

Gary - what are you doing?

0:21:120:21:14

Laps.

0:21:140:21:15

Yes - it's time for weather with Davina Wave,

0:21:150:21:18

and my special friend, Map!

0:21:180:21:20

Thanks, Bob!

0:21:200:21:21

But before I do the weather, can I just say

0:21:210:21:23

that I've been a bit put out this week.

0:21:230:21:26

Why's that, Davina?

0:21:260:21:28

Well, Flicky, I've been rooting around on that "internet"

0:21:280:21:31

and apparently, not every record in the world is held by a Geordie.

0:21:310:21:37

Disgraceful.

0:21:370:21:38

Aye. And I'm not having it.

0:21:380:21:40

So to restore the natural order of things,

0:21:400:21:42

I'll be launching "Davina Wave's Record-Breaking Weather"

0:21:420:21:46

where I try to set a new world record for the people

0:21:460:21:49

of Newcastle, while telling the rest of yous if it's raining or not.

0:21:490:21:54

And hello, Mappy!

0:21:540:21:57

He waved at me, Felicity, did you see? He waved!

0:21:570:22:01

Isn't he magnificent?

0:22:010:22:02

Calm down, Bob. He's just a weather map.

0:22:020:22:05

-"Gone to start a fan club.

-Back in five minutes"

0:22:080:22:11

Anyway, stopwatch at the ready, Flicky,

0:22:110:22:14

cos today I'm trying to set the record for the most custard pies

0:22:140:22:18

thrown in my face during a 30-second weather report!

0:22:180:22:22

Jahmene and Kelly are on pie-pushing duties. It's gonna be epic.

0:22:220:22:27

In 3, 2, 1 - start splattin'!

0:22:270:22:31

Right, let's kick off with "That London"

0:22:320:22:36

where it's going to be wetter than a fish's excuse.

0:22:360:22:39

In Welshy Cardiff, it'll also be wet, but the rain'll be

0:22:390:22:42

weaker than Jahmene and Kelly's throwing arms - come on, yous two.

0:22:420:22:45

Step it up a gear pie-wise,

0:22:450:22:47

cos it's time for the weather

0:22:470:22:48

in Newcastle!

0:22:480:22:50

The Promised Land,

0:22:530:22:55

where the tide goes out slower

0:22:550:22:57

cos it just doesn't want to leave.

0:22:570:22:59

Wahey, it's a Bobby dazzler!

0:22:590:23:01

-And time's up!

-How did I do?

0:23:010:23:03

You got 33 pies in the face!

0:23:030:23:05

It's a new record!

0:23:050:23:08

Come here. Howay, howay.

0:23:080:23:10

Howay!

0:23:100:23:12

Davina Wave, bringing you the weather

0:23:120:23:15

and more pie than a geometry class.

0:23:150:23:17

-Right, I'm going in!

-What are you doing? You can't operate on Gary!

0:23:170:23:20

Relax, I gave him Anastasia.

0:23:210:23:24

Anaesthesia!

0:23:240:23:26

Felicity, don't sneeze near the patient. Ah, here it is!

0:23:260:23:31

That isn't what a human heart really looks like, Bob.

0:23:310:23:34

I should know, Felicity. I've broken a few.

0:23:340:23:37

SMASH! Exhibit A.

0:23:370:23:39

And that's all we've got time for.

0:23:390:23:41

I've been the unflappable Felicity Bond.

0:23:410:23:44

And I've...just found a trumpet.

0:23:440:23:46

Say goodbye, Bob!

0:23:460:23:48

Goodbye, Bob! You have a terrible diet.

0:23:480:23:51

It's an... He's alive!

0:23:510:23:55

And he has an extra set of legs!

0:23:550:23:57

These hands, they are a miracle!

0:23:590:24:01

I must use my gift...wisely.

0:24:010:24:04

Yes, Henry Smart here. Can I have my old job back?

0:24:060:24:10

Please!

0:24:110:24:12

Join Bob Roberts and Felicity Bond in the DNN newsroom for hilarious headlines and ridiculous reports into big news stories.

In this episode, Bob has become a doctor, sports reporter Gary Ogden takes a look at gymnastics and the streetwise Jahmene Mann is on the lookout for the nation's best air guitarists. Plus, an old rival gets the job as DNN's new boss.

DNN: It's the news, but it's definitely not Newsround!


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