Episode 2 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 2

A sideways look at the week's headlines. There is a birthday in the studio, Nellie Osmond looks at the latest smart homes, and Davina Wave's report has her hot under the collar.


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Transcript


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On air in less than a minute.

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So, on today's show we've got Gary tackling rugby.

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Gary learned how to play rugby without getting a bump to the head?

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-Shaver!

-Judge for yourself.

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Table for two, please.

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Yes, names of Ogden and my close personal friend, Wayne Rooney.

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He sounds delusional. Completely normal, then.

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SHAVER BUZZES

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Smooth as a baby's bum.

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-Hang on...

-Wardrobe!

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Phil's in the middle of an operation...

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To have Terry surgically removed from his side?

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-No, an undercover operation involving faulty games consoles.

-Ho-ho!

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Looking sharp. Hair!

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And we've got Kelly taking a look at the latest TV awards.

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-SHE GASPS

-Quite a coup, Henry.

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Thanks, Felicity. It's all about your contacts.

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Felicity doesn't wear contacts!

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We're on in ten, nine...

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-How did you...?

-OK, OK, relax, everyone!

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Things just got less scarier because the Bobster's in the area.

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-You forgot your shoes.

-Huh?

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Oh!

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Hello and welcome to DNN. I'm Bob Roberts.

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I'm the timeless Felicity Bond.

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This is a pineapple in a bobble hat.

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And these are today's headlines.

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DJ Snoop Dogg takes part in "Bring Your Pet To Work Day".

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New footage shows what car factory robots

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get up to in their spare time.

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And the chinchilla twins' birthday party falls flat

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when the cake doesn't turn up.

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GLUM PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

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Talking about birthdays... we have one in the studio today!

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-Really? Is it Steve on props?

-No.

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Steve on sound?

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You know who it is, Bob!

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Ah! Is it Steve on pineapples?!

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It's none of the Steves. It's you!

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PFFFFFFT!

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Felicity, please, put your tongue away!

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Well, that's very kind, but it's not my birthday.

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-Well, according to your police file, it is.

-No, no...

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I know you're wrong because my birthday was this time last year.

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That's how they work. Once a year. Same date.

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Yeah, right! Like everybody has a birthday EVERY year!

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They do.

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-Really? Steve?

-Yeah?

-Steve?

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-Yeah?

-Steve?

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Yeah, that's true.

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But Mother told me that you only get one every...15 years.

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Well, this has taken a turn for the unexpectedly depressing.

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Um, happy birthday, Bob.

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# Happy birthday to ya... #

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THANKS, EVERYONE! Ha-ha!

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So, how old are you today, then?

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Felicity! You should never ask a lady her age.

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Now it's time to... Felicity, there's a tiny man in my ear.

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No, Bob, that's Henry,

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who I believe wants us to link to something.

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No, yes, my mistake, Felicity.

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Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

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Apparently, we need to strive to hill climb

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while striking a variety of gongs.

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No, Bob, we need to go live to Phil Tyme,

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who is fighting to right society's wrongs.

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By investigating gongs? You know, two gongs don't make a right.

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No, Bob. No gongs.

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Where are you, Phil?

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Hello, Felicity. This is the people's champion, Phil Tyme,

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coming live from a department store in Manchester,

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where I'm standing up for this fella, Chris.

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Say hello, Chris.

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-You all right?

-Hee-hee, chatty fella, ain't he, Terry?

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Anyway, Chris sent me a letter yesterday about his games console.

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Now, this department store won't let Chris return his unwanted

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games console even though he's only had it for three days.

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And to the people's champion, Phil Tyme, that is disgusting.

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So it's up to me to go in there and give them a piece of my mind.

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Once the queue settles down a bit. Steady on, steady on, Terry!

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No, I'm not wimping out.

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I just don't want to cause a kerfuffle by pushing in.

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Seriously, there's a woman in there,

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she's returning some candlesticks and she looks ready to kick off, yeah?

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So join us later on when it's going to be me and Chris

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sorting this mess out, wrong-writingly live.

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Go on, grumpy-chops, play ball!

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That's the ticket! We'll see you in a bit.

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Time for an all-new world record weather challenge with

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the nation's third-favourite Geordie, Davina Wave and Map!

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Yeah! Bring on Mappy!

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This week, I'm setting the record for...

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DRUM ROLL

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Jahmene and Kelly, give us a hand, man. Howay! Come on.

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-JAHMENE:

-Hey, Gramps, are these yours?

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Jahmene, stop embarrassing me in front of Mappy!

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Right, stopwatch at the ready, Flicky. In three, two, one...

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KLAXON ..we're off! Oh, look...

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So it's time for the weather in London...

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where I'm thrilled to tell yous it'll be raining,

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so get your umbrellas out. Huh!

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Now over to Northern Ireland!

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The glove! Mappy's glove!

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-Ha-ha-ha!

-It's a miracle!

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Woo-hoo, T-shirts on for once, Belfast!

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It's gonna be toastier than a freshly toasted piece of toast

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that's married another piece of toast and is being toasted

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at the wedding reception. Huh!

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And now, let's crank it up a gear,

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cos it's the only weather that matters...

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England's jewel in the crown!

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Where even the rain can't dampen our spirits,

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cos whatever the weather, it's purely belter!

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-Time's up, Davina!

-How did I do?

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Well, Davina, you managed to put on 38 items of clothing.

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Another win for Newcastle! We've set a new record,

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and they'll be celebrating on the Millennium Bridge tonigh...

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Davina, are you OK?

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Aye, it's just not natural for a Geordie to have this many layers on.

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Davina Wave there,

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proving that no-one can hack it in a hot suit like Mappy.

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Time for the latest celebrity goss now with our super-speed

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showbiz correspondent, Kelly Fornia. Good week, Kelly?

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Oh, it's been brilliant, Flickster!

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I went to see Katy Perry on tour this week, she is just soooo cool.

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If I could be a pop star, I'd probably be her.

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Or Cheryl Cole, or Nicole Scherzinger. Doesn't matter which.

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All brilliant. Then I threw a Eurovision party at my house.

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Sorry you and the Bobster couldn't make it.

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Gary came, though he didn't bring Lewis Hamilton like he said

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-he would. Hi, Gary!

-Hi, Kelly, sorry Lewis couldn't make it.

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He was busy doing, erm, car...stuff.

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Oh, David Beckham is calling me. I have to take this.

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Hi, David. Yes, yes...

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Sounds like a fun week. What else is going on?

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Yes, well, of course, the mega red carpet event EVERYONE is

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talking about is the BAFTA Television Awards.

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And I've got a sneak peek at some of the nominations.

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Oh, my... Wow, I would totally love to be nominated for an award...

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-Kelly...

-..cos the ceremony would be uber-awesome.

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-And then we could all get dressed up!

-Kelly...

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-I could wear the red number I wore for Chantel's 21st...

-Kelly!

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-..but I wouldn't want to clash with the red carpet.

-Kelly, stop!

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Why? Is it Hammer time? Brilliant!

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MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

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-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-No! Tell us about the nominations.

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Oh, yeah. Sorry, Flickster.

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In the best use of the world's smallest maracas category,

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the hot favourite is Mary from Corrie.

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They'd fallen out. Robbie was gallivanting about

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and Gary felt let down.

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For the nastiest kitchen appliance award,

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the frontrunner is the sink on Dani's House.

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SINK GURGLES

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No, you just made it worse.

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THEY SHRIEK

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And hoping to win the mistaking household objects for animals

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category for the 12th year running is Alfie Moon on EastEnders.

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Kat?

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But the most fiercely contested category is between the soaps for

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the totally over-the-top,

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would never happen in a month of Sundays storyline award.

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My tip is this classic scene

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from new soap on the block, Shingle Street.

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The game's up, Maxine.

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I know it was you that smashed up the laundrette to claim

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the insurance money after you flooded your nail bar with the oil

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you stole from the car lot.

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But, Tessa...

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I'm not Maxine.

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-I'm Maxine!

-What?

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Mark and I switched brains after the flood. I'm Maxine now.

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And I'm Mark. What d'you think about that, Tessa?

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-She ain't Tessa, I am!

-You're Tessa?

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Yeah, me and Tessa switched brains after I ran over Rex the dog.

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Oh, poor Rex, he's been in the dog 'ospital for months now.

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No, I haven't. I swapped brains with Charlene after t'accident.

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Woof!

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-Rex?!

-Barry?!

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-Tessa?!

-Maxine?!

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Mark?!

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Wait, wait, wait, I'm confused. Who am I again?

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DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT

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Well, I for one am confused after watching that.

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Er, what happened to Rex, then?

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Come on, Bobster, it's uber-simple.

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Rex swapped brains with Charlene, who swapped brains with Barry,

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who was actually Tessa, but that was after Tessa...

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-Captain Roberts to transporter room. Energise.

-..the insurance money.

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Ooh! That feels sparkly!

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Technology news now,

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and how do you imagine that the house of the future will look?

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-Well...

-Metal. Big and metal.

-Really?

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Oh, yeah! With four feet that can crush everything in its path.

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Oh, so you imagine them to be mobile? Interesting thought.

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Of course. And its mane will light up so you can ride at night,

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-and the saddle will automatically adjust to the rider.

-HOUSE!

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This is no time for bingo, Flicky.

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No, the HOUSE of the future. Not HORSE!

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Oh, I dunno then. Silver!

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Hi-ho, Silver! Up!

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-Ha-ha!

-SILVER NEIGHS

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Well, the house of the future - HOUSE - could well be

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controlled by an intelligent system which tends to our every need.

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Here's Nellie Osmond's special report.

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You join me here outside the so-called smart house of the future

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where, using a tablet computer, you can control the heating, lighting,

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even the cooker, if you're one of those weaklings requiring hot food.

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'I had secured a tour with Sven Jurgenburgen,

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'the architect of this home-shaped nightmare.'

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Every feature is controlled by central computer intelligence.

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-Hello, House.

-'Hello, Sven.'

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House, please make our guest comfortable.

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No, no, no, idle body, idle mind.

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MECHANICAL WHIRRING

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'Would you like to use my massage function?'

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Certainly not. CHAIR BUZZES

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SHAKY VOICE: Some may say... Right, my voice sounds ridiculous

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but I'll soldier on because I am a professional.

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Some may say that your design encourages laziness.

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It is not laziness, Nellie, it's efficiency.

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'Your cake, sir.'

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Lazy, lazy, lazy. Right, chair off.

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Everything in this house is automatically adjusted,

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from the temperature of the shower to the fluffiness of the towels.

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The shower is actually dirt sensitive.

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How dare you! I polished this face this morning, I'll have you know!

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Look, at least give me a towel.

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Right, Sven, is there anything in this house that isn't intelligent?

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'Where's my dinner?'

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Well, the toilet's a little stupid.

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And what better at the end of the day than an intelligent bedroom?

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Give it a go. Just lie back as you usually would.

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-You sleep like that?

-Obviously. Now, come along! I want to wrap this up.

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-COMPUTER:

-Wrapping sequence initiated.

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This is ridiculous! I'm trying to do a job here!

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This is Nellie Osmond reporting from the idiotic house of the future.

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Back to the studio.

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Thanks, Nellie. Well, to find out more about how such technological

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"advancements" are changing our lives,

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our resident "techspert" Bill Grates, "joins" us now.

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So, Bill, should we fear or embrace technology?

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Well, Felicity, technology simplifies our lives. All those jobs

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that we used to have to do can now be performed by machines.

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Well, not every job. It's not like machines could do OUR job, is it?

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-Funny you should say that, Bob.

-Thanks!

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Because I have a world exclusive for DNN viewers today.

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It's the planet's first Fully Automated Robotic Telecaster.

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-What?

-Yes, it's called F-A-R-T for short.

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He looks exactly like me! Handsome brute.

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-Two of them? My worst nightmare.

-Perhaps not, Felicity.

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Observe.

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-ROBOTIC:

-I'm Bob Robots.

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Coming up, I'll be interviewing the UK's top financial advisor

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about the current state of the economy.

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-Wow! Impressive!

-Why, thank you, Felicity.

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May I say just how lovely you look today?

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Charming, too. Henry, let's hire him!

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Now, hang on. Something smells funny about this FART.

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He may look the part, but what about his knowledge?

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I am programmed to speak with authority on any subject.

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It's time for the quick fire round. Question one -

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if I told you I run the country and live at 10 Downing Street,

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-who am I?

-The Prime Minister.

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-No, I'm Bob Roberts.

-Does not compute.

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Question two - where would you find a sun, a star and Mars?

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Our galaxy, the Milky Way.

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Wrong again. My local newsagent. Next to the dry cleaner.

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Warning. Error. Error.

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Question three - what is the capital of England?

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The capital of England is London.

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Nope. It's capital 'E'.

0:14:120:14:14

Warning. System failure imminent. Warning...

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This'll finish him off. Question four, which fruit has the most...?

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I've started so I'll finish. It was avocado!

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I think we'll be OK for a few years yet, Flicky.

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-Ah. We might be in trouble.

-Sorry your FART was so explosive,

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but I knew it wouldn't be able to TRUMP me!

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Time to take a short break now, but don't go away,

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we'll be back before Bob learns to say "Artificially Intelligent".

0:14:390:14:42

I wouldn't be so sure, Flicky. Arfiticially Inelligan...

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Artinitially inelig...

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Arfapoundof... You're right, Flicky, it's trickier than it sounds.

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Stand by your sofas, here comes the boss.

0:14:540:14:57

Outstanding work as ever, Bob.

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The inventor is threatening to sue us for destruction of property.

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-Is that a good thing?

-No. As your boss,

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I'm contractually obliged to wish you a very happy birthday.

0:15:050:15:09

Henry, you shouldn't have! 100 Greatest News Broadcasts!

0:15:090:15:13

Yes.

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I actually feature at number 63, 52, 36 and 8, 7, 4,

0:15:150:15:19

-oh, and number 3.

-What about me?

-Don't be ridiculous.

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-Henry, you shouldn't have.

-Actually, Bob, I need a quick word.

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How about 'velocity'?

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And then Tessa and Mark switched brains, but then poor Rex

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-got run over and...

-Henry, is the transporter playing up again?

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Kelly, this way. Can we please get that fixed?

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-We're back on in five.

-I can't work under these conditions.

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I doubt you can work under ANY conditions.

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Welcome back to DNN. Hope you made the most of the break!

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Now, for all the latest traffic and travel,

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let's cross to TV's most nervous reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

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Thanks, Bob. Aargh! A python!

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-Really?

-No, it's just a stick. My mistake.

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-Sorry.

-OK, Bea, let's crack on...

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Great.

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So, as you can see I'm stood by the

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A12345678910,

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and there's hardly any traffic. It's a lovely, lovely quiet road.

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So, if you do have to travel on it by car, maybe consider pushing it.

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Then you wouldn't make quite so much noise.

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-DOOR SLAMS

-Aaagh!

-Bea? Are you all right?

0:16:200:16:23

Sorry. Came out of nowhere... OK, breathe...

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SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

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In other news, the M666 is closed in both directions,

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causing major tailbacks and delays of up to eight hours.

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So that should be nice and quiet too...

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-CAR LOCK BEEPS

-Aagh! Sorry!

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I surprised myself with the first scream...

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SHE GIBBERS

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I don't like it... Focus, Bea, come on...

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SHE HUMS QUIETLY

0:16:500:16:52

Er, we're running short on time, Bea...

0:16:520:16:55

SHE CONTINUES HUMMING

0:16:550:16:58

And finally, if you're looking to travel by train between London

0:16:580:17:02

and Birmingham this evening by train, please don't,

0:17:020:17:05

because the train runs past the bottom of my garden and

0:17:050:17:08

it would be nice if you could think of other people for a change.

0:17:080:17:11

-ALARM BEEPS

-Agh! Agh!

0:17:110:17:14

Bea, can we...? Should we...? Bea Rhodes there,

0:17:140:17:20

with the traffic and travel.

0:17:200:17:22

Well, I for one feel safer.

0:17:220:17:24

Time now for all the latest from that crazy old world of sport...

0:17:290:17:33

Bull's-eye, Flicky! Let's turn on the ogle box for today's top story.

0:17:330:17:37

Gary. Gary? Where's Gary ?

0:17:370:17:39

I believe Gary has got a special birthday surprise for you.

0:17:390:17:43

# Happy birthday to you! happy birthday to you! #

0:17:430:17:47

I'm stuck. I'm stuck! Help!

0:17:470:17:51

THEY LAUGH

0:17:520:17:54

I forgot to mention to Steve in props

0:17:540:17:57

that I wanted to burst out of this thing. Just give me a sec...

0:17:570:18:01

There we go, that's better. Happy birthday, Bob!

0:18:010:18:05

Yeah, well, thanks, Gary. What's happening this week?

0:18:050:18:08

Bob, here are your birthday sports headlines.

0:18:080:18:12

A waterlogged court doesn't dampen the action at the latest NBA match.

0:18:120:18:16

SCREAMING

0:18:230:18:25

As the international skipping championships draw their lowest

0:18:250:18:29

crowds ever, one competitor carries on regardless.

0:18:290:18:32

And the organisers of cat skateboarding

0:18:350:18:37

are told their obstacles are far more dangerous than they need to be.

0:18:370:18:41

But my main story this week is rugby.

0:18:470:18:50

I don't know much about rugby,

0:18:500:18:51

apart from the fact it's supposedly named after a school called...

0:18:510:18:54

Rugby School.

0:18:540:18:56

So I sent someone to find out more about this egg-chasing business.

0:18:560:19:00

Over to you, Gary. Thanks, Gary.

0:19:000:19:03

Hello. Today I'm tackling the sport of rugby,

0:19:030:19:07

also known as rugger, rug or rrrrr!

0:19:070:19:11

I'm here at Super League club Warrington Wolves

0:19:110:19:14

and showing me the ropes is close personal friend, Ricardo Myler.

0:19:140:19:19

-Richie Myler.

-But he lets me call him Ricardo.

-Who are you?

-Ha-ha!

0:19:190:19:24

Yes, banter, cos we're mates.

0:19:240:19:27

Just slipped...

0:19:300:19:32

-So...let's rugby.

-Right. I've set you up against some opposition.

0:19:320:19:36

-Ready?

-Yeah.

0:19:360:19:37

Guys, wonky ball!

0:19:390:19:41

Dive! Referee! Send him off!

0:19:450:19:47

-Try!

-I AM trying. Trying to get him sent off!

0:19:470:19:51

OK, I'll be goalie, give you guys a chance.

0:19:510:19:54

Oh, he skied it!

0:19:570:19:59

-Gutted for you, pal.

-6-0.

-What?! Are you just making this up?

0:19:590:20:04

They're chasing me! Aaaah!

0:20:050:20:08

So this is what they call a scrum.

0:20:130:20:15

It can get quite rough, so I'd better do my best to blend in.

0:20:150:20:18

Wish me luck. Guys... I'm off the floor at the moment, guys. Guys...

0:20:180:20:23

Hi! All right?

0:20:230:20:25

In all the excitement I may have let out a small but powerful trump.

0:20:250:20:30

-ALL: Eurgh!

-Mate, that stinks!

-Guys...

0:20:300:20:34

So, that's rugby. Football, but for angry giants.

0:20:340:20:39

But never fear, as ever, it's Ogden one, sport nil.

0:20:390:20:43

Back to you, Gary.

0:20:430:20:45

Great stuff. Thanks, Gary.

0:20:450:20:47

-My pleasure.

-No, Gary, the pleasure is mine entirely.

0:20:470:20:50

High-five!

0:20:500:20:52

Don't mind if I do.

0:20:520:20:54

-Anyway...

-Gary, before you go,

0:20:540:20:57

don't forget to pick up the milk on the way home.

0:20:570:21:00

-Oh, and clingfilm.

-Spot on, Gary. Well remembered, sir.

0:21:000:21:04

Back to you two over there.

0:21:040:21:07

-Thanks, Gary.

-Our pleasure!

0:21:070:21:10

We need to go back to Phil Tyme, who is ready to tackle

0:21:100:21:13

a shop assistant about getting a refund on a faulty games console.

0:21:130:21:17

-Ew! Waxy.

-What's the latest, Phil?

0:21:170:21:21

Felicity, we're near the front of the queue. Chuffed to bits, eh, Chris?

0:21:210:21:25

-Well, tell your face! It makes for better telly.

-Next, please!

0:21:260:21:31

-Here goes.

-Hello, how can I help you today?

0:21:320:21:35

Phil Tyme, DNN, and that gentleman there is Terry.

0:21:350:21:39

And we'd like to know why you think it's all right to tread

0:21:390:21:42

all over your customers, you money-grabbing charlatan.

0:21:420:21:46

-I'm sorry?!

-So you should be!

0:21:460:21:49

My friend bought a games console off you and now you won't let him

0:21:490:21:52

-return it.

-Well, there must be some mistake. Of course we'll refund it.

0:21:520:21:58

As long as it's in the original condition, that's fine.

0:21:580:22:01

Look at you, in your million-dollar cardigan

0:22:010:22:04

-and your solid-gold Gucci biro!

-I said we'll refund it!

-What?

0:22:040:22:10

-You will? Cracking!

-Just hand it over, then.

-Steady on, Chris.

0:22:100:22:18

Ladies and gentlemen...

0:22:180:22:20

you're witnessing history in the making.

0:22:200:22:23

The first person, successfully championed by Phil Tyme, live...

0:22:230:22:26

LOUD CRASH Cheese and crackers!

0:22:280:22:30

Now, when you say in its original...

0:22:300:22:32

..condition...

0:22:350:22:37

-I can't take that back now. Sorry.

-You muppet!

0:22:370:22:40

That cost me 300 quid, that!

0:22:400:22:43

Terry, you haven't got 300 quid on you by any chance? No?

0:22:430:22:47

Well, this is Phil Tyme live...

0:22:470:22:50

I'm the vanquisher of criminals, ne'er-do-wells

0:22:500:22:52

and games consoles, apparently. Terry, meet me by the van.

0:22:520:22:57

Get my cash card.

0:22:570:22:59

I'll meet you at the cashpoint, and take them back, will you?

0:22:590:23:04

Phil Tyme there, proof that video games can be bad for your health!

0:23:040:23:07

Well, Bob, that's all we've got time for today.

0:23:070:23:10

Yes, Flicky, though I have to admit

0:23:100:23:12

I'm a bit disappointed you didn't get me a birthday present.

0:23:120:23:15

Well, of course I did, Bob, I just thought I'd save it till last.

0:23:150:23:20

You know, Flicky, ignore what everyone else says about you,

0:23:200:23:23

I've always said you have the biggest heart.

0:23:230:23:25

What is it?

0:23:250:23:27

-It's a picture of you!

-No, Bob, a signed picture of me.

0:23:280:23:32

Highly sought after online, I tell you.

0:23:320:23:35

Just what I've always wanted.

0:23:350:23:38

You're welcome, Bob. And that really is all we've got time for.

0:23:380:23:41

I've been the party-planning Felicity Bond.

0:23:410:23:44

-And I'm off for a carvery.

-Say goodbye, Bob!

-Goodbye, Bob!

0:23:440:23:48

-Are you still in there, Gary, me old mucker-pucker pingpong?

-Certainly am!

0:23:480:23:54

-Do I hear carvery?

-Yes, you do. How do you fancy a slammer gammon?

0:23:540:23:58

Oh, yes. I used to have gammon as a kid, actually.

0:23:580:24:01

Try and stay in the present, Gary.

0:24:010:24:03

Hm.

0:24:050:24:06

I should have given him the sack instead.

0:24:060:24:09

Mind out!

0:24:090:24:10

Join Bob Roberts and Felicity Bond in the DNN newsroom for a brand new series of hilarious headlines and ridiculous reports into big news stories.

There is a birthday in the studio, Nellie Osmond looks at the latest smart homes, and Davina Wave's record-breaking weather report has her hot under the collar.

DNN: It's the news, but it's definitely not Newsround!


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