Episode 2 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

On air in less than a minute.

So, on today's show we've got Gary tackling rugby.

Gary learned how to play rugby without getting a bump to the head?

-Shaver!

-Judge for yourself.

Table for two, please.

Yes, names of Ogden and my close personal friend, Wayne Rooney.

He sounds delusional. Completely normal, then.

SHAVER BUZZES

Smooth as a baby's bum.

-Hang on...

-Wardrobe!

Phil's in the middle of an operation...

To have Terry surgically removed from his side?

-No, an undercover operation involving faulty games consoles.

-Ho-ho!

Looking sharp. Hair!

And we've got Kelly taking a look at the latest TV awards.

-SHE GASPS

-Quite a coup, Henry.

Thanks, Felicity. It's all about your contacts.

Felicity doesn't wear contacts!

We're on in ten, nine...

-How did you...?

-OK, OK, relax, everyone!

Things just got less scarier because the Bobster's in the area.

-You forgot your shoes.

-Huh?

Oh!

Hello and welcome to DNN. I'm Bob Roberts.

I'm the timeless Felicity Bond.

This is a pineapple in a bobble hat.

And these are today's headlines.

DJ Snoop Dogg takes part in "Bring Your Pet To Work Day".

New footage shows what car factory robots

get up to in their spare time.

And the chinchilla twins' birthday party falls flat

when the cake doesn't turn up.

GLUM PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Talking about birthdays... we have one in the studio today!

-Really? Is it Steve on props?

-No.

Steve on sound?

You know who it is, Bob!

Ah! Is it Steve on pineapples?!

It's none of the Steves. It's you!

PFFFFFFT!

Felicity, please, put your tongue away!

Well, that's very kind, but it's not my birthday.

-Well, according to your police file, it is.

-No, no...

I know you're wrong because my birthday was this time last year.

That's how they work. Once a year. Same date.

Yeah, right! Like everybody has a birthday EVERY year!

They do.

-Really? Steve?

-Yeah?

-Steve?

-Yeah?

-Steve?

Yeah, that's true.

But Mother told me that you only get one every...15 years.

Well, this has taken a turn for the unexpectedly depressing.

Um, happy birthday, Bob.

# Happy birthday to ya... #

THANKS, EVERYONE! Ha-ha!

So, how old are you today, then?

Felicity! You should never ask a lady her age.

Now it's time to... Felicity, there's a tiny man in my ear.

No, Bob, that's Henry,

who I believe wants us to link to something.

No, yes, my mistake, Felicity.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Apparently, we need to strive to hill climb

while striking a variety of gongs.

No, Bob, we need to go live to Phil Tyme,

who is fighting to right society's wrongs.

By investigating gongs? You know, two gongs don't make a right.

No, Bob. No gongs.

Where are you, Phil?

Hello, Felicity. This is the people's champion, Phil Tyme,

coming live from a department store in Manchester,

where I'm standing up for this fella, Chris.

Say hello, Chris.

-You all right?

-Hee-hee, chatty fella, ain't he, Terry?

Anyway, Chris sent me a letter yesterday about his games console.

Now, this department store won't let Chris return his unwanted

games console even though he's only had it for three days.

And to the people's champion, Phil Tyme, that is disgusting.

So it's up to me to go in there and give them a piece of my mind.

Once the queue settles down a bit. Steady on, steady on, Terry!

No, I'm not wimping out.

I just don't want to cause a kerfuffle by pushing in.

Seriously, there's a woman in there,

she's returning some candlesticks and she looks ready to kick off, yeah?

So join us later on when it's going to be me and Chris

sorting this mess out, wrong-writingly live.

Go on, grumpy-chops, play ball!

That's the ticket! We'll see you in a bit.

Time for an all-new world record weather challenge with

the nation's third-favourite Geordie, Davina Wave and Map!

Yeah! Bring on Mappy!

This week, I'm setting the record for...

DRUM ROLL

Jahmene and Kelly, give us a hand, man. Howay! Come on.

-JAHMENE:

-Hey, Gramps, are these yours?

Jahmene, stop embarrassing me in front of Mappy!

Right, stopwatch at the ready, Flicky. In three, two, one...

KLAXON ..we're off! Oh, look...

So it's time for the weather in London...

where I'm thrilled to tell yous it'll be raining,

so get your umbrellas out. Huh!

Now over to Northern Ireland!

The glove! Mappy's glove!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-It's a miracle!

Woo-hoo, T-shirts on for once, Belfast!

It's gonna be toastier than a freshly toasted piece of toast

that's married another piece of toast and is being toasted

at the wedding reception. Huh!

And now, let's crank it up a gear,

cos it's the only weather that matters...

England's jewel in the crown!

Where even the rain can't dampen our spirits,

cos whatever the weather, it's purely belter!

-Time's up, Davina!

-How did I do?

Well, Davina, you managed to put on 38 items of clothing.

Another win for Newcastle! We've set a new record,

and they'll be celebrating on the Millennium Bridge tonigh...

Davina, are you OK?

Aye, it's just not natural for a Geordie to have this many layers on.

Davina Wave there,

proving that no-one can hack it in a hot suit like Mappy.

Time for the latest celebrity goss now with our super-speed

showbiz correspondent, Kelly Fornia. Good week, Kelly?

Oh, it's been brilliant, Flickster!

I went to see Katy Perry on tour this week, she is just soooo cool.

If I could be a pop star, I'd probably be her.

Or Cheryl Cole, or Nicole Scherzinger. Doesn't matter which.

All brilliant. Then I threw a Eurovision party at my house.

Sorry you and the Bobster couldn't make it.

Gary came, though he didn't bring Lewis Hamilton like he said

-he would. Hi, Gary!

-Hi, Kelly, sorry Lewis couldn't make it.

He was busy doing, erm, car...stuff.

Oh, David Beckham is calling me. I have to take this.

Hi, David. Yes, yes...

Sounds like a fun week. What else is going on?

Yes, well, of course, the mega red carpet event EVERYONE is

talking about is the BAFTA Television Awards.

And I've got a sneak peek at some of the nominations.

Oh, my... Wow, I would totally love to be nominated for an award...

-Kelly...

-..cos the ceremony would be uber-awesome.

-And then we could all get dressed up!

-Kelly...

-I could wear the red number I wore for Chantel's 21st...

-Kelly!

-..but I wouldn't want to clash with the red carpet.

-Kelly, stop!

Why? Is it Hammer time? Brilliant!

MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-No! Tell us about the nominations.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Flickster.

In the best use of the world's smallest maracas category,

the hot favourite is Mary from Corrie.

They'd fallen out. Robbie was gallivanting about

and Gary felt let down.

For the nastiest kitchen appliance award,

the frontrunner is the sink on Dani's House.

SINK GURGLES

No, you just made it worse.

THEY SHRIEK

And hoping to win the mistaking household objects for animals

category for the 12th year running is Alfie Moon on EastEnders.

Kat?

But the most fiercely contested category is between the soaps for

the totally over-the-top,

would never happen in a month of Sundays storyline award.

My tip is this classic scene

from new soap on the block, Shingle Street.

The game's up, Maxine.

I know it was you that smashed up the laundrette to claim

the insurance money after you flooded your nail bar with the oil

you stole from the car lot.

But, Tessa...

I'm not Maxine.

-I'm Maxine!

-What?

Mark and I switched brains after the flood. I'm Maxine now.

And I'm Mark. What d'you think about that, Tessa?

-She ain't Tessa, I am!

-You're Tessa?

Yeah, me and Tessa switched brains after I ran over Rex the dog.

Oh, poor Rex, he's been in the dog 'ospital for months now.

No, I haven't. I swapped brains with Charlene after t'accident.

Woof!

-Rex?!

-Barry?!

-Tessa?!

-Maxine?!

Mark?!

Wait, wait, wait, I'm confused. Who am I again?

DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT

Well, I for one am confused after watching that.

Er, what happened to Rex, then?

Come on, Bobster, it's uber-simple.

Rex swapped brains with Charlene, who swapped brains with Barry,

who was actually Tessa, but that was after Tessa...

-Captain Roberts to transporter room. Energise.

-..the insurance money.

Ooh! That feels sparkly!

Technology news now,

and how do you imagine that the house of the future will look?

-Well...

-Metal. Big and metal.

-Really?

Oh, yeah! With four feet that can crush everything in its path.

Oh, so you imagine them to be mobile? Interesting thought.

Of course. And its mane will light up so you can ride at night,

-and the saddle will automatically adjust to the rider.

-HOUSE!

This is no time for bingo, Flicky.

No, the HOUSE of the future. Not HORSE!

Oh, I dunno then. Silver!

Hi-ho, Silver! Up!

-Ha-ha!

-SILVER NEIGHS

Well, the house of the future - HOUSE - could well be

controlled by an intelligent system which tends to our every need.

Here's Nellie Osmond's special report.

You join me here outside the so-called smart house of the future

where, using a tablet computer, you can control the heating, lighting,

even the cooker, if you're one of those weaklings requiring hot food.

'I had secured a tour with Sven Jurgenburgen,

'the architect of this home-shaped nightmare.'

Every feature is controlled by central computer intelligence.

-Hello, House.

-'Hello, Sven.'

House, please make our guest comfortable.

No, no, no, idle body, idle mind.

MECHANICAL WHIRRING

'Would you like to use my massage function?'

Certainly not. CHAIR BUZZES

SHAKY VOICE: Some may say... Right, my voice sounds ridiculous

but I'll soldier on because I am a professional.

Some may say that your design encourages laziness.

It is not laziness, Nellie, it's efficiency.

'Your cake, sir.'

Lazy, lazy, lazy. Right, chair off.

Everything in this house is automatically adjusted,

from the temperature of the shower to the fluffiness of the towels.

The shower is actually dirt sensitive.

How dare you! I polished this face this morning, I'll have you know!

Look, at least give me a towel.

Right, Sven, is there anything in this house that isn't intelligent?

'Where's my dinner?'

Well, the toilet's a little stupid.

And what better at the end of the day than an intelligent bedroom?

Give it a go. Just lie back as you usually would.

-You sleep like that?

-Obviously. Now, come along! I want to wrap this up.

-COMPUTER:

-Wrapping sequence initiated.

This is ridiculous! I'm trying to do a job here!

This is Nellie Osmond reporting from the idiotic house of the future.

Back to the studio.

Thanks, Nellie. Well, to find out more about how such technological

"advancements" are changing our lives,

our resident "techspert" Bill Grates, "joins" us now.

So, Bill, should we fear or embrace technology?

Well, Felicity, technology simplifies our lives. All those jobs

that we used to have to do can now be performed by machines.

Well, not every job. It's not like machines could do OUR job, is it?

-Funny you should say that, Bob.

-Thanks!

Because I have a world exclusive for DNN viewers today.

It's the planet's first Fully Automated Robotic Telecaster.

-What?

-Yes, it's called F-A-R-T for short.

He looks exactly like me! Handsome brute.

-Two of them? My worst nightmare.

-Perhaps not, Felicity.

Observe.

-ROBOTIC:

-I'm Bob Robots.

Coming up, I'll be interviewing the UK's top financial advisor

about the current state of the economy.

-Wow! Impressive!

-Why, thank you, Felicity.

May I say just how lovely you look today?

Charming, too. Henry, let's hire him!

Now, hang on. Something smells funny about this FART.

He may look the part, but what about his knowledge?

I am programmed to speak with authority on any subject.

It's time for the quick fire round. Question one -

if I told you I run the country and live at 10 Downing Street,

-who am I?

-The Prime Minister.

-No, I'm Bob Roberts.

-Does not compute.

Question two - where would you find a sun, a star and Mars?

Our galaxy, the Milky Way.

Wrong again. My local newsagent. Next to the dry cleaner.

Warning. Error. Error.

Question three - what is the capital of England?

The capital of England is London.

Nope. It's capital 'E'.

Warning. System failure imminent. Warning...

This'll finish him off. Question four, which fruit has the most...?

I've started so I'll finish. It was avocado!

I think we'll be OK for a few years yet, Flicky.

-Ah. We might be in trouble.

-Sorry your FART was so explosive,

but I knew it wouldn't be able to TRUMP me!

Time to take a short break now, but don't go away,

we'll be back before Bob learns to say "Artificially Intelligent".

I wouldn't be so sure, Flicky. Arfiticially Inelligan...

Artinitially inelig...

Arfapoundof... You're right, Flicky, it's trickier than it sounds.

Stand by your sofas, here comes the boss.

Outstanding work as ever, Bob.

The inventor is threatening to sue us for destruction of property.

-Is that a good thing?

-No. As your boss,

I'm contractually obliged to wish you a very happy birthday.

Henry, you shouldn't have! 100 Greatest News Broadcasts!

Yes.

I actually feature at number 63, 52, 36 and 8, 7, 4,

-oh, and number 3.

-What about me?

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Henry, you shouldn't have.

-Actually, Bob, I need a quick word.

How about 'velocity'?

And then Tessa and Mark switched brains, but then poor Rex

-got run over and...

-Henry, is the transporter playing up again?

Kelly, this way. Can we please get that fixed?

-We're back on in five.

-I can't work under these conditions.

I doubt you can work under ANY conditions.

Welcome back to DNN. Hope you made the most of the break!

Now, for all the latest traffic and travel,

let's cross to TV's most nervous reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

Thanks, Bob. Aargh! A python!

-Really?

-No, it's just a stick. My mistake.

-Sorry.

-OK, Bea, let's crack on...

Great.

So, as you can see I'm stood by the

A12345678910,

and there's hardly any traffic. It's a lovely, lovely quiet road.

So, if you do have to travel on it by car, maybe consider pushing it.

Then you wouldn't make quite so much noise.

-DOOR SLAMS

-Aaagh!

-Bea? Are you all right?

Sorry. Came out of nowhere... OK, breathe...

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

In other news, the M666 is closed in both directions,

causing major tailbacks and delays of up to eight hours.

So that should be nice and quiet too...

-CAR LOCK BEEPS

-Aagh! Sorry!

I surprised myself with the first scream...

SHE GIBBERS

I don't like it... Focus, Bea, come on...

SHE HUMS QUIETLY

Er, we're running short on time, Bea...

SHE CONTINUES HUMMING

And finally, if you're looking to travel by train between London

and Birmingham this evening by train, please don't,

because the train runs past the bottom of my garden and

it would be nice if you could think of other people for a change.

-ALARM BEEPS

-Agh! Agh!

Bea, can we...? Should we...? Bea Rhodes there,

with the traffic and travel.

Well, I for one feel safer.

Time now for all the latest from that crazy old world of sport...

Bull's-eye, Flicky! Let's turn on the ogle box for today's top story.

Gary. Gary? Where's Gary ?

I believe Gary has got a special birthday surprise for you.

# Happy birthday to you! happy birthday to you! #

I'm stuck. I'm stuck! Help!

THEY LAUGH

I forgot to mention to Steve in props

that I wanted to burst out of this thing. Just give me a sec...

There we go, that's better. Happy birthday, Bob!

Yeah, well, thanks, Gary. What's happening this week?

Bob, here are your birthday sports headlines.

A waterlogged court doesn't dampen the action at the latest NBA match.

SCREAMING

As the international skipping championships draw their lowest

crowds ever, one competitor carries on regardless.

And the organisers of cat skateboarding

are told their obstacles are far more dangerous than they need to be.

But my main story this week is rugby.

I don't know much about rugby,

apart from the fact it's supposedly named after a school called...

Rugby School.

So I sent someone to find out more about this egg-chasing business.

Over to you, Gary. Thanks, Gary.

Hello. Today I'm tackling the sport of rugby,

also known as rugger, rug or rrrrr!

I'm here at Super League club Warrington Wolves

and showing me the ropes is close personal friend, Ricardo Myler.

-Richie Myler.

-But he lets me call him Ricardo.

-Who are you?

-Ha-ha!

Yes, banter, cos we're mates.

Just slipped...

-So...let's rugby.

-Right. I've set you up against some opposition.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

Guys, wonky ball!

Dive! Referee! Send him off!

-Try!

-I AM trying. Trying to get him sent off!

OK, I'll be goalie, give you guys a chance.

Oh, he skied it!

-Gutted for you, pal.

-6-0.

-What?! Are you just making this up?

They're chasing me! Aaaah!

So this is what they call a scrum.

It can get quite rough, so I'd better do my best to blend in.

Wish me luck. Guys... I'm off the floor at the moment, guys. Guys...

Hi! All right?

In all the excitement I may have let out a small but powerful trump.

-ALL: Eurgh!

-Mate, that stinks!

-Guys...

So, that's rugby. Football, but for angry giants.

But never fear, as ever, it's Ogden one, sport nil.

Back to you, Gary.

Great stuff. Thanks, Gary.

-My pleasure.

-No, Gary, the pleasure is mine entirely.

High-five!

Don't mind if I do.

-Anyway...

-Gary, before you go,

don't forget to pick up the milk on the way home.

-Oh, and clingfilm.

-Spot on, Gary. Well remembered, sir.

Back to you two over there.

-Thanks, Gary.

-Our pleasure!

We need to go back to Phil Tyme, who is ready to tackle

a shop assistant about getting a refund on a faulty games console.

-Ew! Waxy.

-What's the latest, Phil?

Felicity, we're near the front of the queue. Chuffed to bits, eh, Chris?

-Well, tell your face! It makes for better telly.

-Next, please!

-Here goes.

-Hello, how can I help you today?

Phil Tyme, DNN, and that gentleman there is Terry.

And we'd like to know why you think it's all right to tread

all over your customers, you money-grabbing charlatan.

-I'm sorry?!

-So you should be!

My friend bought a games console off you and now you won't let him

-return it.

-Well, there must be some mistake. Of course we'll refund it.

As long as it's in the original condition, that's fine.

Look at you, in your million-dollar cardigan

-and your solid-gold Gucci biro!

-I said we'll refund it!

-What?

-You will? Cracking!

-Just hand it over, then.

-Steady on, Chris.

Ladies and gentlemen...

you're witnessing history in the making.

The first person, successfully championed by Phil Tyme, live...

LOUD CRASH Cheese and crackers!

Now, when you say in its original...

..condition...

-I can't take that back now. Sorry.

-You muppet!

That cost me 300 quid, that!

Terry, you haven't got 300 quid on you by any chance? No?

Well, this is Phil Tyme live...

I'm the vanquisher of criminals, ne'er-do-wells

and games consoles, apparently. Terry, meet me by the van.

Get my cash card.

I'll meet you at the cashpoint, and take them back, will you?

Phil Tyme there, proof that video games can be bad for your health!

Well, Bob, that's all we've got time for today.

Yes, Flicky, though I have to admit

I'm a bit disappointed you didn't get me a birthday present.

Well, of course I did, Bob, I just thought I'd save it till last.

You know, Flicky, ignore what everyone else says about you,

I've always said you have the biggest heart.

What is it?

-It's a picture of you!

-No, Bob, a signed picture of me.

Highly sought after online, I tell you.

Just what I've always wanted.

You're welcome, Bob. And that really is all we've got time for.

I've been the party-planning Felicity Bond.

-And I'm off for a carvery.

-Say goodbye, Bob!

-Goodbye, Bob!

-Are you still in there, Gary, me old mucker-pucker pingpong?

-Certainly am!

-Do I hear carvery?

-Yes, you do. How do you fancy a slammer gammon?

Oh, yes. I used to have gammon as a kid, actually.

Try and stay in the present, Gary.

Hm.

I should have given him the sack instead.

Mind out!