Episode 3 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 3

A sideways look at the week's headlines. The team try to keep a secret from boss Henry Smart and Kelly Fornia takes a look at the summer's big movie releases.


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Transcript


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Yesterday was so much fun! I'm surprised Henry wasn't there though.

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Yeah, well, I'm not. He wasn't invited.

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What? That was really mean.

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That wasn't mean. This is mean.

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It would really hurt his feelings if he found out.

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We need to spread the word, don't tell Henry.

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And that's what happens when your trousers are at half mast.

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Now don't tell Henry.

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Got it!

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Hey, guys, don't tell Henry.

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Oh, aye.

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Yeah.

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Don't let on to Henry.

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A secret! Brilliant!

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Don't tell Henry!

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Psst, don't tell Henry.

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Don't tell Henry what?

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You're bald.

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I know that already, Gary.

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And that's what makes you the boss.

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Talked my way out of that one.

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He has literally no idea.

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Hello, and welcome to DNN. I'm the composed Felicity Bond.

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And I'm Bob Roberts, this is a water-skiing yak.

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And these are the headlines.

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The Most Haunted team claim they've finally caught a ghost on camera,

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but scientists have their doubts.

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Simon Cowell uncovers a new Michael Jackson tribute act.

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MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

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And after being sat on one time too many,

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Lightning McQueen finally loses his cool.

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And in other news, the...

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Felicity has quite a pair of lungs on her.

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Well, thank you, Bob, but that's hardly news.

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I'm kind of well known for my singing voice.

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Yeah, well, having heard it last night at the "Don't Tell Henry",

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I can believe that.

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You are a terrible singer.

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My singing voice is perfect.

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Yeah, for warning ships of fog. Ha!

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Really?

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It's the only way you're ever going to hold a note.

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'Bob and Felicity. Focus.'

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Aargh! Henry Smart is living in my desk.

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Call Channel 5, I've got a documentary for them.

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'Bob, you're on television.'

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No, you're on television.

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'That's childish.'

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Nope! This is childish.

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MIMICS HER: I'm Felicity and I can sing!

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I'm so sorry, Bob's chair seems to have mysteriously malfunctioned.

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You pushed it!

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Mysteriously malfunctioned.

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Here's an idea, let's have some reporters, reporting.

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First, the man who's vowed to sort out your problems,

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even though he has enough of his own,

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it's the People's Champion, Phil Tyme.

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Where are you this week, Phil?

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Hello, Bob and Felicity!

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Today I'm here at Snippity Snip Hair Salon in Walderford.

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In for a much-needed trim, Phil?

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I'll have you know, I had my hair cut last week, Felicity,

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Terry did it in the hotel room with the fruit bowl and the scissors.

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Looks very snappy, too. Thank you, Terry.

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No, I'm actually here on behalf of one of our regular viewers, Stella.

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Now, Stella here, she e-mailed me last week

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about a bad experience which she had here.

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Stella, why don't you tell us what happened?

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OK, so I wanted to get my hair cut so I looked like Nicki Minaj

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because Debbie from accounts said she was going to get

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her hair cut like Nicki Minaj, and we wanted to match.

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So when I went there, they gave me the haircut

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and they said it looked like Nicki Minaj,

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but I think it looks more like a badger.

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OK, slow down there, Stella.

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Who's been nicking your menage?

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Right, I'll start over.

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So, I wanted to get my haircut so I looked like Nicki Minaj, right...

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Right, hold your horses, cos we've all got places to be.

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So what you're basically saying is you came to this hairdresser's,

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you had a haircut, and you didn't like it, right?

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-Yeah, because...

-Fine.

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We all get it. So, Bob and Felicity,

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that's the mission, a little later in this very show

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I'm going to go in there, ruffle a few quiffs,

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and hopefully get Stella here her money back, live on DNN.

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Stella, do the L thingy.

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-No, it'll mess up my hair.

-Suit yourself.

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So join us later, it's going to be champion. See you in a bit.

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Thanks, Phil.

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I brought a hairdresser to justice once. And by justice, I mean school.

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And by hairdresser, I mean a egg.

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I brought an egg to school.

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Great story.

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Great egg.

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Now, the reporter's so fresh he should be in the chiller cabinet,

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it's Jahmene Mann.

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What have you got for us today, Jahmene?

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Felicity, I have got one thing to say to you...

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HE SQUEALS

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Beautiful language, the French.

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My report today is actually about the amazing sounds people can make

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that don't mean anything.

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French.

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OK, well, these are noise-cancelling headphones.

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Where's the fun in that?!

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I love noise,

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so let's see how good the Great British public are at making it.

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Let's Meet The Street!

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Some noises can drive you...

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HE GROANS

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..but plenty are guaranteed to squeeze a laugh out of your chops,

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so listen up, because I'm on the hunt

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for Britain's best noisemakers.

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Hear me now.

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SHE TRILLS

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HE WHOOSHES

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THEY SCREAM

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Oo-o-oo! Ah-ah-ah!

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SHE SCREAMS

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SHE SQUEALS

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HE CLUCKS

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HE SCREECHES

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Oo-oo ah-ah!

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SHE BLEATS

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Meow!

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Hello, ma'am, could I here your best funny noise?

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Oh, let's see.

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SHE FARTS

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Brilliant. Never not funny.

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No, no, no, I can actually do a duck noise.

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SHE FARTS

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Classic one-two, I didn't even see your mouth move.

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No, that wasn't... I didn't mean the...

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SHE FARTS

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Stop it!

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I've got a delicate little tum-tum, I meant to do a duck noise.

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Quack-quack.

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It's just not as funny.

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Oh, well, I'm sorry but...

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SHE FARTS

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Stop laughing!

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SHE FARTS REPEATEDLY

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Man down! Seriously, I can't...

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Great report, Jahmene.

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Thanks, Felicity. You know,

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I really enjoy doing there reports about silly noises and stuff,

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but do you think there's a chance

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Henry might let me do a serious investigation? Like Nellie?

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ALL LAUGH

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Don't sit on the fence, guys.

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Are you still laughing at me?

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I can't help it if I've got a problem!

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SHE FARTS

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What idiot let that woman into the studio?

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You say idiot, I say proud owner of a portrait of the Queen.

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It must be worth a lot of money.

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It's worth exactly £5.

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Close. Gary's offered me £4.50, who's the idiot now?

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Time now for the woman who towers over the world of showbiz

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like a glossy giant,

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a "golossus", if you will, it's Kelly Fornia!

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What in the name of Lizo Mzimba are you wearing?

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They're horns, Bobster. Aren't they totes tremend?

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They're for my big story today.

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There is an uber XL bucket

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of amazefest films coming out this summer,

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but we've only got time to talk about ONE,

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so, I'm going to fill you in on my top TWO films of the summer!

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-Kelly...

-I know, but they're sharing a podium,

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like at the Oh-my-wow-lympics!

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Kelly! Haven't you got some headlines for us first?

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Yes, I do, so, more on the films after the jump,

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but first, here's what's going down in Tinseltown!

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New show alert! CBBC presents Wizards Vs Aliens On Ice!

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Can't you hold on to something?

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A man on All Over The Place

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contracts the dreaded disease Kangaroo Nipple.

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And, on Waterloo Road, Barry breaks the record

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for dialling the number with the most zeroes ever!

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Amaze! So guys, do you get why I'm wearing these prod-tastic horns?

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-Well...

-They're in honour of Maleficent,

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the new Disney film about the evil fairy

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who cursed Sleeping Beauty to sleep for 100 years!

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She could have saved herself some trouble

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and just sent Henry in to have a chat.

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'I can hear you, Bob.'

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Private convo, H. Little bit rude.

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Here's an amaze clip, besties!

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Well, well.

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I shall bestow a gift on the child.

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Before the sun sets on her 16th birthday,

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she will fall into a sleep-like death.

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I'm so sorry, we've had some kind of technical glitch.

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Yes. He's called Jahmene.

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Sorry, but it's an emergency!

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I was down to 2%.

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Oh, it's not a problem, J-ster, it's a problurtunity!

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Because now, to show you what Maleficent is like,

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I get to act it out!

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I'm the evil fairy Maleficent,

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played by uber-cheekboned Angelina Jolie,

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and I'm going to curse a baby!

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Harshballs!

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Consider yourself cursed!

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If you touch a spinning needle you will die!

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Spinning classes totally oke, though.

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Adorabaubles!

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We're three other fairies and we have made the curse a bit less bad!

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Then there's fighting and spells and maybe a dragon,

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and nearly almost certainly a prince, probably, I'm guessing,

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it's a lot like Sleeping Beauty!

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But with a reason for why Maleficent is evil!

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I haven't seen it! The end, ta-da! Thankage!

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I think some of my brain has gone to a farm in the country.

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And you are short-staffed as it is.

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What other films have we got to look forward to, Kelly?

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Keep it brief.

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Last, but definitely not least,

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there's X-Men: Days of Future Past, which is mutant-tastic!

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This is Mystique. Yay, Smurf power!

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But it's really hard to pick my favourite.

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I mean, there's Professor X, who does all the mind stuff,

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Magneto, who is also Gandalf, how cool is he?

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Kitty Pryde, who brilliantly hasn't even bothered

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to get a proper superhero name - you go, girl!

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Bishop, who only moves diagonally or something, Toad...

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No prizes for guessing what Kelly's mutant ability is,

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that girl does not need to breathe.

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Time for the big interview now.

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Yes, it is.

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And with me today is a man who has invented

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reusable toilet paper, Fred Winklater.

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-Hello.

-Thanks for joining us.

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No! Bob, no! I've got a big interview lined up,

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and it's not with a man who washes bathroom tissues.

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Who is bigger news than this guy?

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Would you mind moving downwind?

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The President of the United States.

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Ooh, Justin Bieber?!

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Barack Obama.

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Oh.

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It's a pleasure to have you with us, Mr President.

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I'm going to take some questions.

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Of course, let's start with the eco...

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I put it to you, Mr President,

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that reusing pot-pot paper is the best idea since edible food.

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-Yes, exactly!

-Stick with me, Winky!

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But people may have better ideas.

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That's unlikely.

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And people may want to jigger slightly.

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No, well, you're right. They'll feel much better for it.

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Where should I do my jigger, Barack?

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-On the floor.

-OK!

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Come on, Flicky. That's a direct order from your president.

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Come and jigger on the floor! You too, Winklater!

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Okey-dokey.

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So, Mr President...

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What do you make of Winky's jiggering?

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He's got that kind of slouch,

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looking like the bored kid at the back of the classroom.

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You heard him. Put some effort into it, Winky!

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Mr President, could I just ask, what will be on the agenda

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when you and the British Prime Minister next meet?

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We're going to be finding ways

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where we can poke each other at any opportunity.

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You know, he is a lot more fun than I expected.

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Thanks, Barry!

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All right, thank you very much, everybody.

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That is not the man I voted for.

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We'll be back after these messages.

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Don't go away, the beds are never as comfy as they are at home!

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OK, everyone, on a break.

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Thank you very much, Winky.

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Bob, how dare you say I can't sing, on air,

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when we're supposed to be keeping last night a secret

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from you know who.

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Voldemort?!

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Oh. Worse.

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May I have a little word?

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Course you can, Henry. How about minuscule?

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With Felicity.

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Now, you're not keeping anything from me, are you, Felicity?

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No! No. Of course not.

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This was my favourite moment of last night!

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Nothing happened last night. Or any other night. At all.

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We all went home.

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Separately. In our separate cars.

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To our separate houses.

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Ah, fun times.

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Hey, does Henry still not know about the party...

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ing, the parting,

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in your hair.

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That you don't have.

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Because you're bald.

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OK, back on in five, four...

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I am so, so good.

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Welcome back to DNN.

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Coming up later, all the sports news with Gary Ogden...

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Phil Tyme will be cornering a bodging barber...

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And Davina Wave will be attempting to set a new world record

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whilst doing the weather!

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Oh, excuse me.

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Yep, yep, uh-huh.

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Bob, we're on air!

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Oh, it's for you.

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Well, it's this guy.

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BIRD SQUAWKS

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He says he's willing to give you singing lessons.

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Uh-huh. Sure, he's putting on his friend,

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this guy, Mr Blobfish. Uh-huh, yeah?

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He says he's suing you for copying his look. Slam.

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That's your phone.

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Let's go over now to the man who is to sport

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what chimpanzees are to lacemaking,

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it's Gary Ogden.

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Thanks, Bob!

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Yes, I'm Gary Ogden, this is the DNN Sports Locker,

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this is a meat sculpture of my close personal friend, Jensen Button,

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and these are the sports headlines.

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The winner of this year's dog gymnastics

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shows off a new victory celebration.

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One, two, three, four, cat wins at thumb war.

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And manufacturers deny that a new sports drink for dogs

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makes them too active.

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Now, I've often been accused of...

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Ooh, I know this. Following people!

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No, only concentrating on popular sports like the football,

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as played by my close personal friend, Wayne Rooney,

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or, um, the other ones.

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So today on DNN,

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an up-and-coming new sport that could one day make it big, golf.

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Over to you, Gary.

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Thanks, Gary.

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Yes, golf. This brand-new sport

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I only heard about last year

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remains a mystery to lots of people.

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So, to help me tell my birdies from my bogeys,

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here is professional golficator, Betty Backswing. Hello, Betty.

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Hello, Gary.

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So, what is it about...

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You all right, mate? You can go off on. I'm chatting to Betty here.

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I'm the caddie.

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Oh, OK, well I don't know too much about golf,

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but I'm pretty sure it's "I'm the daddy."

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No, this is Seth, he's my caddie,

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he carries my clubs, he gives me advice.

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Ooh, it sounds like he's got a crush on you.

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Can I carry your clubs? Mwah!

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-Let's just play golf.

-OK, right you are.

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You're not going to take... Yes, why not? I'll take these.

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Fore!

0:15:330:15:34

Not bad, let's see if I can do one better.

0:15:360:15:39

Five!

0:15:400:15:42

See? I did one better.

0:15:440:15:46

Oh, it looks like I've run out of sticks, can I borrow one of yours?

0:15:460:15:49

No.

0:15:490:15:50

Fair enough.

0:15:520:15:54

And look at this boy go,

0:15:540:15:55

he's dribbled it past his close personal friend, Wayne Rooney.

0:15:550:15:58

He is going past Gerrard.

0:15:580:16:00

-Watch out for the bunker.

-What's a bunker?

0:16:000:16:03

Now for this shot, you're going to need...

0:16:040:16:06

Way ahead of you Betty, way ahead.

0:16:060:16:08

Here we go.

0:16:080:16:09

Yes! Goal!

0:16:120:16:15

How did I do?

0:16:150:16:16

Well,

0:16:160:16:18

I scored four, what did you score, Gary?

0:16:180:16:21

Oh, 347.

0:16:210:16:24

Wow. I won.

0:16:240:16:25

By loads.

0:16:250:16:27

In golf, the lowest score wins. You lost.

0:16:270:16:30

So, there we have it, golf is dead easy, and if you give it a go,

0:16:300:16:35

you will quickly get into the swing of things.

0:16:350:16:38

BIRD CALLS

0:16:380:16:39

Oh, birdie.

0:16:390:16:41

Back to you, Gary.

0:16:410:16:43

Thanks, Gary. I didn't like to say it in front of Betty,

0:16:440:16:47

but I cannot ever see that taking off.

0:16:470:16:49

Golf?

0:16:490:16:50

I mean, the name for a start.

0:16:500:16:51

Why name it after a car?

0:16:510:16:53

Jenson Button...

0:16:530:16:55

Did you use lamb sausages, Gary?

0:16:550:16:59

I did, Bob.

0:16:590:17:01

Then isn't he "Jenson Mutton"?

0:17:010:17:03

He is Bob.

0:17:030:17:06

High-five!

0:17:060:17:07

Hang on.

0:17:090:17:10

I don't know what's going wrong. I practised in the mirror.

0:17:100:17:13

It's catching.

0:17:130:17:15

And now, with an eye on the traffic and a pocketful of Rescue Remedy,

0:17:220:17:26

it's Britain's most nervous travel correspondent, Beatrice Rhodes.

0:17:260:17:30

Bea, are you there?

0:17:300:17:32

Aagh! Sorry. Sorry. I thought I saw a fox. Sorry.

0:17:320:17:35

OK, Bea, and how are things on the roads?

0:17:350:17:37

Frankly, terrifying, Felicity.

0:17:370:17:39

So, I've retreated to a safer spot.

0:17:390:17:42

But I'm OK, I can absolutely do this, I'm fine.

0:17:420:17:47

Hippogriff!

0:17:470:17:49

Bea, it's fine, it's just a plane.

0:17:490:17:52

With all due respect, that is easy for you to say

0:17:520:17:55

from the comfort of your studio.

0:17:550:17:57

It's much scarier out here!

0:17:570:17:59

Honestly, it had a beak and everything.

0:17:590:18:03

OK, come on, you can do this, Bea. You've got this.

0:18:030:18:06

SHE HUMS

0:18:060:18:09

Any, you know, traffic news, Bea?

0:18:090:18:12

SHE HUMS

0:18:120:18:14

I'm fine.

0:18:160:18:17

Well, the A007 is currently gridlocked, so...

0:18:170:18:20

BELL RINGS

0:18:200:18:22

Aaagh! Bicycle!

0:18:220:18:23

Aaagh! Another one!

0:18:230:18:26

They're swarming! Please, if you can still hear me, send help!

0:18:260:18:28

Aaagh!

0:18:280:18:30

And send bike repellent too!

0:18:300:18:31

Bea Rhodes there, more highly strung than a sky-diving violinist.

0:18:310:18:36

Now, to see what the weather is doing,

0:18:400:18:42

we could all probably just look outside,

0:18:420:18:44

but we've got some regional quotas to fill.

0:18:440:18:47

So let's cross to Davina Wave

0:18:470:18:48

to see how she's putting Newcastle in the record books today!

0:18:480:18:51

Thanks, Flicky!

0:18:530:18:55

And for today's high-octane weather report, I'm going

0:18:550:18:57

to be setting the record for...

0:18:570:18:59

And to help us gallop all the way to Geordie victory,

0:19:050:19:08

it's none other than DNN's top sportsman, Gary Ogden.

0:19:080:19:13

Right, when Henry said to help with the weather,

0:19:130:19:15

I didn't expect to be in close quarters with your hindquarters.

0:19:150:19:18

I know. Bonus!

0:19:180:19:20

-Ah - and there's Map.

-Hello, Mappy! Give us a wave!

0:19:200:19:23

Ha! He waved at me! He waved at me!

0:19:230:19:26

I'm never going to wash these eyes again.

0:19:260:19:28

OK, get ready, Davina - in three, two, one...

0:19:280:19:32

And we're off!

0:19:320:19:33

And that London is going to be

0:19:350:19:37

so sunny you have to take refuge in your underground.

0:19:370:19:41

In Aberdeen, as usual,

0:19:410:19:43

you will be experiencing rain as heavy as Gary's breathing.

0:19:430:19:47

You all right, back there, Gary?

0:19:470:19:49

Gary? Gary?

0:19:490:19:51

Sorry, I got lost.

0:19:510:19:54

We are nearly there.

0:19:540:19:57

And now... Knock it up a little, Gary!

0:19:570:19:59

..it is time for the weather in our glorious nation of Newcastle.

0:19:590:20:04

Newcastle, the running capital of the world!

0:20:060:20:11

The Blaydon Races. The Great North Run. Newcastle.

0:20:110:20:17

And that's time up!

0:20:170:20:18

How did we do, Flicky?

0:20:180:20:19

Well, you managed to run 75 metres!

0:20:190:20:22

Haway the lads!

0:20:220:20:24

Forget Ant and Dec, it's Gary and Davina!

0:20:240:20:28

Wow! Does that make me an honorary Geordie, Davina?

0:20:280:20:32

Have you ever fended off a pack of angry stoats with

0:20:320:20:34

-only your mammy's apron?

-Nope.

0:20:340:20:36

Then you've answered your own question, pet.

0:20:360:20:39

Off you pop.

0:20:390:20:40

Back to yous in the studio. Haway!

0:20:400:20:43

Davina Wave there.

0:20:430:20:45

Tyneside's very own Tasmanian devil.

0:20:450:20:47

I love you, Mappy!

0:20:470:20:49

Earlier in the show, our intrepid reporter Phil Tyme went to

0:20:520:20:56

tackle a demon barber about a mop crop gone horribly wrong.

0:20:560:21:00

Mappy. He's just so very, very green, Felicity.

0:21:000:21:03

Yes, he is, Bob. Phil, what's the situation?

0:21:030:21:06

Well, Felicity, we're about to speak to the suspect stylist.

0:21:070:21:10

As soon as he's done moussing up that fellow, we'll be good to go.

0:21:100:21:14

Stella, are you excited about getting your money back?

0:21:140:21:17

Like, mega rush,

0:21:170:21:18

I haven't been this excited Debbie got tickets to the Union J concert,

0:21:180:21:21

except she read the website wrong and actually brought onion jam.

0:21:210:21:24

-Can I help you?

-Well, let's see, shall we?

0:21:240:21:27

For I am Phil Tyme, the People's Champion from DNN, and I want

0:21:270:21:32

to know why you are ripping off your customers with slapdash haircuts?

0:21:320:21:36

Yes, because it's like I said to Debbie, right.

0:21:360:21:38

Pack it in about Debbie, Stella.

0:21:380:21:41

I'm working here. What are you staring at?

0:21:410:21:44

-I'm sorry, I'm distracted by this.

-My hairdo? What's up with it?

0:21:440:21:49

It kind of looks like it's been done by a monkey with garden shears.

0:21:490:21:53

Terry did this. Terry, I thought you said this look was in.

0:21:530:21:57

-Please, if you would allow me. Janine.

-I'm not sure about this.

0:21:570:22:01

That's quite all right.

0:22:010:22:02

-Very swanky, where did you learn that?

-Burnley, sir.

-Very nice.

0:22:070:22:11

Now what I want to talk to you about is...

0:22:110:22:14

Are they chocolate HobNobs?

0:22:160:22:18

Blimey, it's like being royalty. Thanks, Janine.

0:22:180:22:20

Thank you very much, what about getting me my money, yes?

0:22:200:22:23

Stella, your hair looks fine.

0:22:230:22:25

Just tell people it's Lady Gaga or something, yeah?

0:22:250:22:28

And chuck us that copy of Take A Break.

0:22:280:22:32

Lovely, this is a turn-up for the books.

0:22:320:22:35

Phil Tyme, the People's Champion,

0:22:350:22:37

getting the respect he deserves, for once. Take them back, Terence.

0:22:370:22:43

Janine, couldn't fetch some cheese and crackers, could you, love?

0:22:430:22:47

And that's all we've got time for...

0:22:470:22:49

Sorry. Sorry to interrupt, but you know the thing

0:22:490:22:51

we weren't supposed to tell Henry... What was it again?

0:22:510:22:54

Nothing. There was nothing we weren't supposed to tell Henry.

0:22:540:22:57

There was. What was it? Only, I don't want to tell him.

0:22:570:22:59

-Go away.

-I'd do as she says, or she will sing at you.

0:22:590:23:03

-I can sing, Bob.

-And I can sleep without the light on. I can't!

0:23:030:23:07

I've remembered! We're not supposed to tell Henry about the party

0:23:070:23:10

we all went to last night? That he wasn't invited to?

0:23:100:23:13

When you got your toe trapped in a door and made that horrible

0:23:130:23:16

loud screaming noise that went on for ages...

0:23:160:23:19

I rest my case.

0:23:190:23:21

-Gary!

-Felicity, I knew all about the party. I know everything.

0:23:210:23:25

But I didn't go because I don't socialise with the staff.

0:23:250:23:29

The staff?

0:23:290:23:31

Now finish the show. And Gary?

0:23:310:23:33

Yes, your eminence?

0:23:330:23:35

Get off.

0:23:350:23:36

Yes, your "neminence".

0:23:360:23:38

So, on that note, I've been

0:23:380:23:40

the somewhat offended but vocally amazing Felicity Bond...

0:23:400:23:43

And I've...remembered I've got the evidence, Your Honour.

0:23:430:23:48

-Say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob! Full screen.

0:23:480:23:51

SCREECHY SINGING

0:23:510:23:54

Birds are falling from the sky!

0:23:570:23:59

I could so win The X Factor.

0:24:000:24:02

Oh, stand by for this bit.

0:24:020:24:04

And by stand by, I mean save yourselves!

0:24:040:24:06

Pitch perfect.

0:24:090:24:11

It's a no from me.

0:24:110:24:12

Join Bob Roberts and Felicity Bond in the DNN newsroom for a brand new series of hilarious headlines and ridiculous reports into big news stories.

The team try to keep a secret from boss Henry Smart, Kelly Fornia takes a look at the summer's big movie releases, and Phil Tyme gets cut short at the hairdressers.

DNN: It's the news, but it's definitely not Newsround!


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