Episode 3 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Yesterday was so much fun! I'm surprised Henry wasn't there though.

Yeah, well, I'm not. He wasn't invited.

What? That was really mean.

That wasn't mean. This is mean.

It would really hurt his feelings if he found out.

We need to spread the word, don't tell Henry.

And that's what happens when your trousers are at half mast.

Now don't tell Henry.

Got it!

Hey, guys, don't tell Henry.

Oh, aye.

Yeah.

Don't let on to Henry.

A secret! Brilliant!

Don't tell Henry!

Psst, don't tell Henry.

Don't tell Henry what?

You're bald.

I know that already, Gary.

And that's what makes you the boss.

Talked my way out of that one.

He has literally no idea.

Hello, and welcome to DNN. I'm the composed Felicity Bond.

And I'm Bob Roberts, this is a water-skiing yak.

And these are the headlines.

The Most Haunted team claim they've finally caught a ghost on camera,

but scientists have their doubts.

Simon Cowell uncovers a new Michael Jackson tribute act.

MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

And after being sat on one time too many,

Lightning McQueen finally loses his cool.

And in other news, the...

Felicity has quite a pair of lungs on her.

Well, thank you, Bob, but that's hardly news.

I'm kind of well known for my singing voice.

Yeah, well, having heard it last night at the "Don't Tell Henry",

I can believe that.

You are a terrible singer.

My singing voice is perfect.

Yeah, for warning ships of fog. Ha!

Really?

It's the only way you're ever going to hold a note.

'Bob and Felicity. Focus.'

Aargh! Henry Smart is living in my desk.

Call Channel 5, I've got a documentary for them.

'Bob, you're on television.'

No, you're on television.

'That's childish.'

Nope! This is childish.

MIMICS HER: I'm Felicity and I can sing!

I'm so sorry, Bob's chair seems to have mysteriously malfunctioned.

You pushed it!

Mysteriously malfunctioned.

Here's an idea, let's have some reporters, reporting.

First, the man who's vowed to sort out your problems,

even though he has enough of his own,

it's the People's Champion, Phil Tyme.

Where are you this week, Phil?

Hello, Bob and Felicity!

Today I'm here at Snippity Snip Hair Salon in Walderford.

In for a much-needed trim, Phil?

I'll have you know, I had my hair cut last week, Felicity,

Terry did it in the hotel room with the fruit bowl and the scissors.

Looks very snappy, too. Thank you, Terry.

No, I'm actually here on behalf of one of our regular viewers, Stella.

Now, Stella here, she e-mailed me last week

about a bad experience which she had here.

Stella, why don't you tell us what happened?

OK, so I wanted to get my hair cut so I looked like Nicki Minaj

because Debbie from accounts said she was going to get

her hair cut like Nicki Minaj, and we wanted to match.

So when I went there, they gave me the haircut

and they said it looked like Nicki Minaj,

but I think it looks more like a badger.

OK, slow down there, Stella.

Who's been nicking your menage?

Right, I'll start over.

So, I wanted to get my haircut so I looked like Nicki Minaj, right...

Right, hold your horses, cos we've all got places to be.

So what you're basically saying is you came to this hairdresser's,

you had a haircut, and you didn't like it, right?

-Yeah, because...

-Fine.

We all get it. So, Bob and Felicity,

that's the mission, a little later in this very show

I'm going to go in there, ruffle a few quiffs,

and hopefully get Stella here her money back, live on DNN.

Stella, do the L thingy.

-No, it'll mess up my hair.

-Suit yourself.

So join us later, it's going to be champion. See you in a bit.

Thanks, Phil.

I brought a hairdresser to justice once. And by justice, I mean school.

And by hairdresser, I mean a egg.

I brought an egg to school.

Great story.

Great egg.

Now, the reporter's so fresh he should be in the chiller cabinet,

it's Jahmene Mann.

What have you got for us today, Jahmene?

Felicity, I have got one thing to say to you...

HE SQUEALS

Beautiful language, the French.

My report today is actually about the amazing sounds people can make

that don't mean anything.

French.

OK, well, these are noise-cancelling headphones.

Where's the fun in that?!

I love noise,

so let's see how good the Great British public are at making it.

Let's Meet The Street!

Some noises can drive you...

HE GROANS

..but plenty are guaranteed to squeeze a laugh out of your chops,

so listen up, because I'm on the hunt

for Britain's best noisemakers.

Hear me now.

SHE TRILLS

HE WHOOSHES

THEY SCREAM

Oo-o-oo! Ah-ah-ah!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SQUEALS

HE CLUCKS

HE SCREECHES

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Oo-oo ah-ah!

SHE BLEATS

Meow!

Hello, ma'am, could I here your best funny noise?

Oh, let's see.

SHE FARTS

Brilliant. Never not funny.

No, no, no, I can actually do a duck noise.

SHE FARTS

Classic one-two, I didn't even see your mouth move.

No, that wasn't... I didn't mean the...

SHE FARTS

Stop it!

I've got a delicate little tum-tum, I meant to do a duck noise.

Quack-quack.

It's just not as funny.

Oh, well, I'm sorry but...

SHE FARTS

Stop laughing!

SHE FARTS REPEATEDLY

Man down! Seriously, I can't...

Great report, Jahmene.

Thanks, Felicity. You know,

I really enjoy doing there reports about silly noises and stuff,

but do you think there's a chance

Henry might let me do a serious investigation? Like Nellie?

ALL LAUGH

Don't sit on the fence, guys.

Are you still laughing at me?

I can't help it if I've got a problem!

SHE FARTS

What idiot let that woman into the studio?

You say idiot, I say proud owner of a portrait of the Queen.

It must be worth a lot of money.

It's worth exactly £5.

Close. Gary's offered me £4.50, who's the idiot now?

Time now for the woman who towers over the world of showbiz

like a glossy giant,

a "golossus", if you will, it's Kelly Fornia!

What in the name of Lizo Mzimba are you wearing?

They're horns, Bobster. Aren't they totes tremend?

They're for my big story today.

There is an uber XL bucket

of amazefest films coming out this summer,

but we've only got time to talk about ONE,

so, I'm going to fill you in on my top TWO films of the summer!

-Kelly...

-I know, but they're sharing a podium,

like at the Oh-my-wow-lympics!

Kelly! Haven't you got some headlines for us first?

Yes, I do, so, more on the films after the jump,

but first, here's what's going down in Tinseltown!

New show alert! CBBC presents Wizards Vs Aliens On Ice!

Can't you hold on to something?

A man on All Over The Place

contracts the dreaded disease Kangaroo Nipple.

And, on Waterloo Road, Barry breaks the record

for dialling the number with the most zeroes ever!

Amaze! So guys, do you get why I'm wearing these prod-tastic horns?

-Well...

-They're in honour of Maleficent,

the new Disney film about the evil fairy

who cursed Sleeping Beauty to sleep for 100 years!

She could have saved herself some trouble

and just sent Henry in to have a chat.

'I can hear you, Bob.'

Private convo, H. Little bit rude.

Here's an amaze clip, besties!

Well, well.

I shall bestow a gift on the child.

Before the sun sets on her 16th birthday,

she will fall into a sleep-like death.

I'm so sorry, we've had some kind of technical glitch.

Yes. He's called Jahmene.

Sorry, but it's an emergency!

I was down to 2%.

Oh, it's not a problem, J-ster, it's a problurtunity!

Because now, to show you what Maleficent is like,

I get to act it out!

I'm the evil fairy Maleficent,

played by uber-cheekboned Angelina Jolie,

and I'm going to curse a baby!

Harshballs!

Consider yourself cursed!

If you touch a spinning needle you will die!

Spinning classes totally oke, though.

Adorabaubles!

We're three other fairies and we have made the curse a bit less bad!

Then there's fighting and spells and maybe a dragon,

and nearly almost certainly a prince, probably, I'm guessing,

it's a lot like Sleeping Beauty!

But with a reason for why Maleficent is evil!

I haven't seen it! The end, ta-da! Thankage!

I think some of my brain has gone to a farm in the country.

And you are short-staffed as it is.

What other films have we got to look forward to, Kelly?

Keep it brief.

Last, but definitely not least,

there's X-Men: Days of Future Past, which is mutant-tastic!

This is Mystique. Yay, Smurf power!

But it's really hard to pick my favourite.

I mean, there's Professor X, who does all the mind stuff,

Magneto, who is also Gandalf, how cool is he?

Kitty Pryde, who brilliantly hasn't even bothered

to get a proper superhero name - you go, girl!

Bishop, who only moves diagonally or something, Toad...

No prizes for guessing what Kelly's mutant ability is,

that girl does not need to breathe.

Time for the big interview now.

Yes, it is.

And with me today is a man who has invented

reusable toilet paper, Fred Winklater.

-Hello.

-Thanks for joining us.

No! Bob, no! I've got a big interview lined up,

and it's not with a man who washes bathroom tissues.

Who is bigger news than this guy?

Would you mind moving downwind?

The President of the United States.

Ooh, Justin Bieber?!

Barack Obama.

Oh.

It's a pleasure to have you with us, Mr President.

I'm going to take some questions.

Of course, let's start with the eco...

I put it to you, Mr President,

that reusing pot-pot paper is the best idea since edible food.

-Yes, exactly!

-Stick with me, Winky!

But people may have better ideas.

That's unlikely.

And people may want to jigger slightly.

No, well, you're right. They'll feel much better for it.

Where should I do my jigger, Barack?

-On the floor.

-OK!

Come on, Flicky. That's a direct order from your president.

Come and jigger on the floor! You too, Winklater!

Okey-dokey.

So, Mr President...

What do you make of Winky's jiggering?

He's got that kind of slouch,

looking like the bored kid at the back of the classroom.

You heard him. Put some effort into it, Winky!

Mr President, could I just ask, what will be on the agenda

when you and the British Prime Minister next meet?

We're going to be finding ways

where we can poke each other at any opportunity.

You know, he is a lot more fun than I expected.

Thanks, Barry!

All right, thank you very much, everybody.

That is not the man I voted for.

We'll be back after these messages.

Don't go away, the beds are never as comfy as they are at home!

OK, everyone, on a break.

Thank you very much, Winky.

Bob, how dare you say I can't sing, on air,

when we're supposed to be keeping last night a secret

from you know who.

Voldemort?!

Oh. Worse.

May I have a little word?

Course you can, Henry. How about minuscule?

With Felicity.

Now, you're not keeping anything from me, are you, Felicity?

No! No. Of course not.

This was my favourite moment of last night!

Nothing happened last night. Or any other night. At all.

We all went home.

Separately. In our separate cars.

To our separate houses.

Ah, fun times.

Hey, does Henry still not know about the party...

ing, the parting,

in your hair.

That you don't have.

Because you're bald.

OK, back on in five, four...

I am so, so good.

Welcome back to DNN.

Coming up later, all the sports news with Gary Ogden...

Phil Tyme will be cornering a bodging barber...

And Davina Wave will be attempting to set a new world record

whilst doing the weather!

Oh, excuse me.

Yep, yep, uh-huh.

Bob, we're on air!

Oh, it's for you.

Well, it's this guy.

BIRD SQUAWKS

He says he's willing to give you singing lessons.

Uh-huh. Sure, he's putting on his friend,

this guy, Mr Blobfish. Uh-huh, yeah?

He says he's suing you for copying his look. Slam.

That's your phone.

Let's go over now to the man who is to sport

what chimpanzees are to lacemaking,

it's Gary Ogden.

Thanks, Bob!

Yes, I'm Gary Ogden, this is the DNN Sports Locker,

this is a meat sculpture of my close personal friend, Jensen Button,

and these are the sports headlines.

The winner of this year's dog gymnastics

shows off a new victory celebration.

One, two, three, four, cat wins at thumb war.

And manufacturers deny that a new sports drink for dogs

makes them too active.

Now, I've often been accused of...

Ooh, I know this. Following people!

No, only concentrating on popular sports like the football,

as played by my close personal friend, Wayne Rooney,

or, um, the other ones.

So today on DNN,

an up-and-coming new sport that could one day make it big, golf.

Over to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary.

Yes, golf. This brand-new sport

I only heard about last year

remains a mystery to lots of people.

So, to help me tell my birdies from my bogeys,

here is professional golficator, Betty Backswing. Hello, Betty.

Hello, Gary.

So, what is it about...

You all right, mate? You can go off on. I'm chatting to Betty here.

I'm the caddie.

Oh, OK, well I don't know too much about golf,

but I'm pretty sure it's "I'm the daddy."

No, this is Seth, he's my caddie,

he carries my clubs, he gives me advice.

Ooh, it sounds like he's got a crush on you.

Can I carry your clubs? Mwah!

-Let's just play golf.

-OK, right you are.

You're not going to take... Yes, why not? I'll take these.

Fore!

Not bad, let's see if I can do one better.

Five!

See? I did one better.

Oh, it looks like I've run out of sticks, can I borrow one of yours?

No.

Fair enough.

And look at this boy go,

he's dribbled it past his close personal friend, Wayne Rooney.

He is going past Gerrard.

-Watch out for the bunker.

-What's a bunker?

Now for this shot, you're going to need...

Way ahead of you Betty, way ahead.

Here we go.

Yes! Goal!

How did I do?

Well,

I scored four, what did you score, Gary?

Oh, 347.

Wow. I won.

By loads.

In golf, the lowest score wins. You lost.

So, there we have it, golf is dead easy, and if you give it a go,

you will quickly get into the swing of things.

BIRD CALLS

Oh, birdie.

Back to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary. I didn't like to say it in front of Betty,

but I cannot ever see that taking off.

Golf?

I mean, the name for a start.

Why name it after a car?

Jenson Button...

Did you use lamb sausages, Gary?

I did, Bob.

Then isn't he "Jenson Mutton"?

He is Bob.

High-five!

Hang on.

I don't know what's going wrong. I practised in the mirror.

It's catching.

And now, with an eye on the traffic and a pocketful of Rescue Remedy,

it's Britain's most nervous travel correspondent, Beatrice Rhodes.

Bea, are you there?

Aagh! Sorry. Sorry. I thought I saw a fox. Sorry.

OK, Bea, and how are things on the roads?

Frankly, terrifying, Felicity.

So, I've retreated to a safer spot.

But I'm OK, I can absolutely do this, I'm fine.

Hippogriff!

Bea, it's fine, it's just a plane.

With all due respect, that is easy for you to say

from the comfort of your studio.

It's much scarier out here!

Honestly, it had a beak and everything.

OK, come on, you can do this, Bea. You've got this.

SHE HUMS

Any, you know, traffic news, Bea?

SHE HUMS

I'm fine.

Well, the A007 is currently gridlocked, so...

BELL RINGS

Aaagh! Bicycle!

Aaagh! Another one!

They're swarming! Please, if you can still hear me, send help!

Aaagh!

And send bike repellent too!

Bea Rhodes there, more highly strung than a sky-diving violinist.

Now, to see what the weather is doing,

we could all probably just look outside,

but we've got some regional quotas to fill.

So let's cross to Davina Wave

to see how she's putting Newcastle in the record books today!

Thanks, Flicky!

And for today's high-octane weather report, I'm going

to be setting the record for...

And to help us gallop all the way to Geordie victory,

it's none other than DNN's top sportsman, Gary Ogden.

Right, when Henry said to help with the weather,

I didn't expect to be in close quarters with your hindquarters.

I know. Bonus!

-Ah - and there's Map.

-Hello, Mappy! Give us a wave!

Ha! He waved at me! He waved at me!

I'm never going to wash these eyes again.

OK, get ready, Davina - in three, two, one...

And we're off!

And that London is going to be

so sunny you have to take refuge in your underground.

In Aberdeen, as usual,

you will be experiencing rain as heavy as Gary's breathing.

You all right, back there, Gary?

Gary? Gary?

Sorry, I got lost.

We are nearly there.

And now... Knock it up a little, Gary!

..it is time for the weather in our glorious nation of Newcastle.

Newcastle, the running capital of the world!

The Blaydon Races. The Great North Run. Newcastle.

And that's time up!

How did we do, Flicky?

Well, you managed to run 75 metres!

Haway the lads!

Forget Ant and Dec, it's Gary and Davina!

Wow! Does that make me an honorary Geordie, Davina?

Have you ever fended off a pack of angry stoats with

-only your mammy's apron?

-Nope.

Then you've answered your own question, pet.

Off you pop.

Back to yous in the studio. Haway!

Davina Wave there.

Tyneside's very own Tasmanian devil.

I love you, Mappy!

Earlier in the show, our intrepid reporter Phil Tyme went to

tackle a demon barber about a mop crop gone horribly wrong.

Mappy. He's just so very, very green, Felicity.

Yes, he is, Bob. Phil, what's the situation?

Well, Felicity, we're about to speak to the suspect stylist.

As soon as he's done moussing up that fellow, we'll be good to go.

Stella, are you excited about getting your money back?

Like, mega rush,

I haven't been this excited Debbie got tickets to the Union J concert,

except she read the website wrong and actually brought onion jam.

-Can I help you?

-Well, let's see, shall we?

For I am Phil Tyme, the People's Champion from DNN, and I want

to know why you are ripping off your customers with slapdash haircuts?

Yes, because it's like I said to Debbie, right.

Pack it in about Debbie, Stella.

I'm working here. What are you staring at?

-I'm sorry, I'm distracted by this.

-My hairdo? What's up with it?

It kind of looks like it's been done by a monkey with garden shears.

Terry did this. Terry, I thought you said this look was in.

-Please, if you would allow me. Janine.

-I'm not sure about this.

That's quite all right.

-Very swanky, where did you learn that?

-Burnley, sir.

-Very nice.

Now what I want to talk to you about is...

Are they chocolate HobNobs?

Blimey, it's like being royalty. Thanks, Janine.

Thank you very much, what about getting me my money, yes?

Stella, your hair looks fine.

Just tell people it's Lady Gaga or something, yeah?

And chuck us that copy of Take A Break.

Lovely, this is a turn-up for the books.

Phil Tyme, the People's Champion,

getting the respect he deserves, for once. Take them back, Terence.

Janine, couldn't fetch some cheese and crackers, could you, love?

And that's all we've got time for...

Sorry. Sorry to interrupt, but you know the thing

we weren't supposed to tell Henry... What was it again?

Nothing. There was nothing we weren't supposed to tell Henry.

There was. What was it? Only, I don't want to tell him.

-Go away.

-I'd do as she says, or she will sing at you.

-I can sing, Bob.

-And I can sleep without the light on. I can't!

I've remembered! We're not supposed to tell Henry about the party

we all went to last night? That he wasn't invited to?

When you got your toe trapped in a door and made that horrible

loud screaming noise that went on for ages...

I rest my case.

-Gary!

-Felicity, I knew all about the party. I know everything.

But I didn't go because I don't socialise with the staff.

The staff?

Now finish the show. And Gary?

Yes, your eminence?

Get off.

Yes, your "neminence".

So, on that note, I've been

the somewhat offended but vocally amazing Felicity Bond...

And I've...remembered I've got the evidence, Your Honour.

-Say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob! Full screen.

SCREECHY SINGING

Birds are falling from the sky!

I could so win The X Factor.

Oh, stand by for this bit.

And by stand by, I mean save yourselves!

Pitch perfect.

It's a no from me.