Episode 4 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Bob? Bob, it's Henry. Can I have a word?

Ah, Jahmene, have you seen Bob?

Uh... negative, boss man. Have you tried his room?

Obviously. I take it it's your sports tricks video this week?

It is, yeah. I'm going to see if Bob has any mad football skills.

I'd settle for some news reading skills.

LION ROARS

Oh!

Hi, Henry! I'm sooooo excited about today's show.

I totally can't wait to do that top secret celebrity exclusive,

1) because celebrities are the best and 2)...

First rule of telly, Kelly,

save some of that...infectious enthusiasm for the show.

Now, have you seen Bob?

Yep. He went in there. Right.

Bob? Bob? Bob?!

Ah, Davina. What's today's record attempt?

Oh, erm, flipping tyres, Henry!

What have you got against tyres?

No, no, no. Me and Mappy are doing the weather

while I set the record for flipping tyres!

Of course you are. Now, have you seen Bob?

-Why aye. He's in there.

-Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Mappy, I owe you one!

Hello and welcome to DNN, I'm the pristine Felicity Bond.

I'm Bob Roberts. This is a picture of my mother Roberta.

Love you, Mum. And here are today's headlines.

A cat swallows a pogo stick.

A trailer is released for the Marley & Me sequel, Bob Marley & Me.

MUSIC: "Buffalo Soldier" by Bob Marley

And a lazy squirrel finds a new way to get up trees.

So, Bob, I discovered something very interesting online last night.

Was it the website for the official Bob Roberts Fan Club, Flicky?

Current membership of two. Like I said, love you, Mum.

No, Bob, it was an interesting little video called

Bob Roberts' Epic Fail.

Have a look at this.

And for his latest report about the future of robots,

Ricky's been to the laboratory in...

Yeah, I know... completely misunderstood and started

-milking its udders.

-Bob!

-...There was milk everywhere!

-Bob, we're live, what are you doing?

-Sorry, there's someone in here.

Aisha, what are you doing in my house? This is not my house.

Ah, well, yes. I mean it's easily done.

These studios can be an absolute maze, Flicky.

How did you find it anyway?

Easy. I searched "Bob Roberts Fail" and there were

853 videos. That was just the first one.

Yeah? Well, right, two can play that game.

How do you spell "Felicity", Felicity?

Time to welcome our human canine,

it's J-Dog Jahmene Ma- Oh, look, Felicity what does Henry want?

This is hardly the time for charades, Henry.

We're trying to do a show.

OK, two words? How many syllables in the...

Can you not hear Henry?

He wants us to go live to Phil Tyme.

What? No, I can't hear him at all, Felicity!

Nothing! I've lost my hearing!

I'm too young and handsome for this to happen!

Oh, I'll never hear the beautiful song of the morning birds again,

or the latest Miley Cyrus

record... which in a way, would be a good thing.

Try putting your ear piece in, Bob.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Ah! Go ahead, caller.

Well, we're going to cross now to our consumer champ, Phil Tyme,

who I believe is hot on the heels of a graffiti vandal.

Oh, I love graffiti. It's especially good with meatballs.

You're thinking of spaghetti.

I am thinking about spaghetti.

I'm always thinking about spaghetti.

Phil, are you there?

With meatballs.

Yes, Felicity.

Phil Tyme here, the people's champion,

and this lovely lady next to me is Helen.

Now, Helen has written in

complaining about the graffiti hooligan who keeps mucking up

her street and especially,

the side of her house. Is THIS the offending wall here, Helen?

Yes, I already told you that.

-Yes, but we weren't on the TV then so we've got to...

-Fine.

Yes, this is the wall. It's awful.

I clean it up and then as soon as the street quiet, someone come and

-spray graffiti all over it. There.

-A bit shirty, this one, Terry.

So, what's the plan, Phil?

We've cleared the street and we're going to

lie in wait behind that bench there until they show up.

-Aren't we, Helen?

-They spray graffiti all over that too.

-I had to repaint it this morning.

-Oh, dear.

So, join us later

when the writing will most definitely be on the wall for this

vicious vandal when I bring them to televisual justice, live on DNN!

-A bit lower, Helen.

-No, I think that's about right.

-Suit yourself.

We're off to hide. See you in a bit.

Phil Tyme there, quite literally trying to clean up the streets.

That's a permanent marker, Bob.

Is it?

Er, Steve? Can we get a new screen for the desk, please?

This one is faulty.

Time to head to Jahmene Mann who I believe has a "tricky"

proposition for us today.

That's right, Felicity. Bob, I have one question for you.

And here's my answer... Timbuktu.

No, Bob, I was going to ask if you're any good at keepie-uppies?

Of course, Jahmene, I once did seven on the bounce at school.

Wayne Rooney has nothing on me!

That's my close personal friend, Wayne Rooney.

Not now, Gary. It's Bob time.

All right then, Bob, show us what you've got.

Certainly. Lob it over.

Sorry, Phil.

Well, with the World Cup just around the corner,

I predict we will see some totally rad tricks.

However, with dozens of sports to pick from, I reckoned that you

lot out there would have some pretty silky skills.

So, let's meet the street.

OK, so whether it's some classic keepie-uppie,

a beautifully balanced basket ball or a skateboarder's perfect

pop shove-it, we're always impressed by people with sporting

skills to pay the bills, and today, I'm looking for...

Let's get the ball rolling.

One, two, three...

Yes!

94, 95, 96...

Ouch!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Hula-hooping champion.

1,605... I can't keep up.

So, there it is, people of Britain.

You're more than OK when it comes to game-playing.

But if there's one thing that I've learnt today,

it's that some tricks are more trouble than they're worth.

OK, guy, I can hit this ball

so high it goes to that factory chimney over there.

-Yeah, right!

-Nah, for real. Check it.

OK, laterz, yeah?

-OI! GET HERE!

-No, no, no. No, no, no. No. Argh!

-Get Here!

-No, no, no, no! Man down! Man down!

MUSIC: "Theme To Match Of The Day" by Barry Stoller

Actually easier than it looks, this.

Steve. Steve, mate. Steven.

He's unemployable.

Well now, it's time to strap in and rocket down that showbiz

highway with our speed demon Kelly Fornia.

Hey, Kelly!

Hi, Flickster. Hiya Bobster.

It's been a simply amazing, samazing, week.

I went to Manchester to watch Little Mix on tour

They were sooo good. I couldn't decide who's my favourite.

I really liked Perrie, but Jade was just uber cool,

and then I went to see X-Men where Jennifer Lawrence was painted

-all blue...

-Kelly!

-..I love her so I painted all my nails blue, look.

It really has been a totally sick week and...

You've been sick all week and Henry's made you work?

No, Bob, it's been an awesome week, you know... bare sick!

Bear sick? What? Does that smell of honey?

No, Bob, no bears were sick!

Oh, thank goodness. The bear's fine.

The bear is fine, everyone! Stand down.

Anyway, Kelly, the showbiz headlines?

First up....

Gran from Wizards vs Aliens does her impression of a dissolving aspirin.

Dev from Corrie gets a new role as a grandfather clock.

Bong!

And Young Dracula's dad finds his way around a "wet floor" sign.

Thanks, Kelly. So, I hear you have an exclusive interview for us?

Oh, my, wow. It's so amazing because it completely hasn't happened.

Ah. Were they sick too?

Totally not.

I did have an interview utterly lined up

but things did not go to plan and I ended up

standing around for ages but that was totally amazing cos it

allowed me to learn every word of Can We Dance by The Vamps.

-Kelly!

-Yes?

-What actually happened?

This happened. Check it out!

Hi! I'm Kelly Fornia and today,

I was totally meant to be meeting up with a mega celebrity

at their house, but they haven't turned up.

It's true. Too samazing, isn't it? Even better than made-up things.

Anymaze, this is even better now because I get to show you round

their house instead and you get to guess who lives here!

Oh, my, wow.

This is majorly their front door and it's see-through. That's so cool!

Coloured doors are cool too.

Green has to be my favourite colour, closely followed by red, then blue.

Joint third with purple, beige, mauve, burgundy, brown

and teal, but basically all colours are fantastic.

It's locked.

The spare keys were under the garden gnome.

Amazing. Scratch that. Gnomazing, new word.

So, who's house is this, peeps? You probably want some clues, right?

Oh, clues are fantastic.

They're my best part to solving the puzzle,

apart from the answer bit, which is even better.

Uber wow.

Clue one. Look at all these bears. Oh, I love bears!

And so does this person.

OR their house has been invaded by bears,

like a reverse Goldilocks, reversilocks.

Clue two. I'm all up in their grills.

This person must be a humassive griller. Ooh, gorillas.

They're just as fantastic as bears.

So, whoever lives here loves bears, and grills.

Who lives here?

Er, is it Grizzly Toasts house?

-No.

-Teddy Chargrill!

-Nope.

-Yogi Panini!

No Bob, think a bit harder. You're almost there.

-No, it's gone.

-It's Bear Grylls!

Yes! It was amazing outdoors survivey adventure man Bear Grylls.

What is this obsession with bears, Kelly?

-Were you actually watching, Bob?

-No.

Great! I can start from scratch.

I should probably give you some of Bear's backstory first.

He was born on the 7th June 1974...

No, that's fine Kelly... We'll see you next time. Bye, now, bye!

..and grew up in Northern Ireland...

Evanesco!

How did you do that, Bob?

Hah... Muggles!

Learning things news now and recent strikes by teachers left

classrooms in chaos up and down the country.

But some local councils have recently introduced a scheme

to ensure that the school show must go on!

To tell us more in an angry voice, the woman whose

sense of humour is permanently on strike, it's Nellie Osmond.

For some people, the idea of returning to school fills them

with dread, probably

because they mucked around and didn't take things seriously.

And those who did take things seriously were given stupid

immature nicknames like Smelly Osmond.... I imagine.

I'm here at this emergency teacher training school where

members of the local community are trained up as teachers to

act as cover for when the real teachers are on strike.

Let's take a look.

I'm here with Amber and Daniel, the school's test pupils.

-So, what's the first lesson?

-It's Geography, Nellie.

Being taught by the local hairdresser.

I know all the best places abroad, me. Alicante!

-It's lovely in Alicante. Benidorm.

-This is ridiculous.

-She just keeps pointing at Spain.

-Malta! NO. Do not go to Malta.

It's horrible, I got food poisoning and threw up in the swimming pool.

-May-jorka!

-Right. This is pointless. I'm going to powder my ears.

Where else is there?

Now, this is an English class, and it's being taught by...

Ah, the village newsagent.

-Good afternoon...

-What are you doing?! Get out there!

There's only two school children allowed in here at any one time.

All right?! Well, rules are rules after all. It's a yes from me.

-Carry on.

-Whatever, hop it.

Unbelievable! Right, what were we talking about?

-HEY! Walk! Don't run!

-Well, this is a poor excuse for a football match.

But, I'll join in I suppose because I am a professional.

-Eh, YOU, girl, where's your kit?!

-Me? No, I don't have a kit.

I'm a serious journalist.

Oh, well you'll have to do it in your vest and pants then.

-You must be joking.

-It's that, or wear something from lost property.

-HEY!

-Urgh, these clothes reek. When were they last washed? Disgusting.

So, this new form of substitute teaching might seem

good on paper, but the Nellie Osmond school of thinking

gives it a heavily underlined F. This is Nellie Osmond, requesting

-an early bath for DNN.

-Smelly Osmond!

-I heard that!

-Huh huh!

-Thanks, Smelly.

Well, it's time for us to go on strike now...

But don't go anywhere, we'll be back in a flash.

We will. But remember, other superheroes are available!

Good work, everyone! Sharp stuff. I liked it.

-How long have we got, Steve?

-About a minute.

Great, I'm going to check my make up.

Right, well I'm off to the little Bob's room.

Can we pull up Phil's live feed, please? Nice stuff, Felicity.

-Thanks, Henry.

-Adequate as ever, Bob.

Whatever, Henry.

Ah! Phil, could I have a brief word please?

Sure. How's "underpants"?

No, Phil, I just wanted a quick update on this graffiti vandal.

Well H... Can I call you H?

I'd prefer Henry.

What about Hen-meister?

Absolutely not.

Well, I'll stick with H. Well, H I'm pretty sure...

BOB FROM BATHROOM: "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world..."

WATER RUNS

Oops, sounds like someone's left their mic on...

Astonishing. Anyway, Phil my suggestion to you...

BOB IMPERSONATING HENRY: "Nice stuff, Felicity. Adequate, Bob.

"I'm so smooth and clever but also so very, very dull!"

STREAM CONTINUES

OK, back on in 20...

Oh. Better head back.

Anyway, Henry, we'll be in touch when we spot the graffiti vandal.

C'mon, Terry...

STREAM STOPS

-Right, good luck, everyone, you'll need it.

-Back in 10!

Ah, Felicity. One hot water bottle, filled as requested.

Could hardly get it under the tap.

Oh, thank goodness!

I forgot to take a wee.

Welcome back to DNN, breaking the news just for you!

Well, you break it and I fix it, Felicity...

-That's not what I meant.

-Anyway, time for a trip to sportsland to meet

its Prime Minister, Gary Ogden.

Thanks, Bob.

Yes, it's the Ogginator here with all

the latest from the world of professional hitting things,

running after people and trying to get a thing in a thing.

Here are the headlines.

Ping Pong competitors make the best of it

when they turn up at the wrong venue.

There's a mass escape from the local Greyhound track.

And cyclists demonstrate a new organic bicycle.

But my top story this week is diving!

Yes, it always looks so simple on TV,

but what does the perfect dive entail?

To find out, I sent over someone who's NEVER out of his depth...

It's Gary Ogden. Over to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary.

Yes, I've come along to find out all there is to know about diving

with Splash! judge and close personal friend, Leon Taylor!

-Do I actually know you?

-Sheldon swimming baths, 1998.

You were in the changing rooms,

I was the guy with his head stuck in the vending machine.

I was wearing armbands and Postman Pat swimming trunks?

See? He remembers! I never did get those crisps.

So, Leon, I've come dressed for the occasion and I'm ready to dive!

Yeah, Gary, what are you actually wearing?

What are you NOT wearing, more like!

I mean, he hasn't even got a snorkel! Hey, check this out.

"Luke! I am your father!"

-Brilliant.

-Gary, it's not that sort of diving.

It's actually this sort of diving.

What, really?

Leon, me old buddy, is it safe diving off heights like this?

This is actually only the 3m platform.

So, um, what's this I hear about...

-the wedgie.

-The what?

-You know, the...

I've heard it's a professional hazard.

-Shall we just concentrate on the diving?

-Yeah, yeah.

Toes right on the end, arms above the head,

tip forward from the hips, up onto the toes and go.

Wah-haa!

Oh! Ah!

-You OK to give it a go?

-Yeah, sure. Hey, why don't we go together?

-Oh, good idea. Let's go on three.

-OK. I'll count.

-Sounds good.

-Cool.

-OK. Forwards.

-1, 2 and...

I never said three, Leon!

Right, that is quite naughty. Well, he's spoiled the moment now.

I'm going home. Honestly!

Back to you in the studio, Gary.

Thanks, Gary. Anyway, that's your sport for this week.

Before you go, Gary, I've just been skiing on the internet...

It's surfing, Bob. Surfing the internet.

Maybe in Californ-i-a, Miss Yankee Doodle Fancy Pants...

Anyway, gal old pal, I found a video of you having

a screen-test for a job as a BBC Sports Reporter...

You kept that quiet...

Ah, well... You know...I er...

don't like to brag about such things...

-Well let's have a look shall we?

-No! No, no, no...

Hello, welcome to the sports locker. I'm Gary Ogden.

Er, it's "Welcome to the sports news", and you're looking into

the wrong camera, Gary.

Oh, right. Yeah, OK. I knew that. Just testing.

Hello, welcome to the sports news. I'm Gary Ogden.

Today, I'll be speaking to my close personal friend,

Gary Line-ike-er about this weekend's sport.

-OK, no. It's Lineker, Gary.

-Lineker Gary?

No, no, you've definitely got those names the wrong way round.

Gary's his first name, mate.

Oh! Gary!

Ah yes, me and my close personal friend Gary Line-ike-er

often have a good laugh about that.

In fact, here he is ringing me now.

It's not ringing, Gary.

It's on silent.

Hi Gary. Yep, I'm free for lunch. Yes, yes...

Now, let's head outside for another weather challenge with

overwhelming weathergirl Davina Wave and her sidekick, Map!

Oh, it's Mappy, Felicity.

Look, I've made my own Ireland glove, just like Mappy's.

-That's some cabbage, Bob.

-I know.

Are you there, Davina?

Are you there, MAPPY?

All right, pets, yes, it's Davina Wave here, and Map!

And I'm here to tell all you sunny sunbeams how sunny it's gonna be.

So, Davina! What record will you be setting this week?

Well, today, Felicity, I'm going to be setting the record for...

OK, Davina, your time starts in 3, 2, 1...

And we're off!

In Brighton, it's gonna be grey, grim and overcast.

Brighton? You might as well call it "Dull-ton"!

In that London...

it's gonna be lovely and sunny.

But have you got a geet big majestic Tyne Bridge?

Eh, no, I doing think you do, do you?

So put that back in your geet big box.

Or studio apartment as you like to call it.

Come on, man, it's a bedsit!

Oh, the stunning Tyne Bridge of the city of... NEWCASTLE!

Step it up a gear! Newcastle!

The only city in the world with an underground called the Metro

unless you include Paris or Warsaw! Woohoo! Toon Army!

Time's up Davina.

All right. How did I do?

You managed 25 tyre flips.

Another glorious victory for the people of Newcastle!

Glad you're happy.

And I'm glad he's Mappy!

So, what record are you going for next week, Davina?

Geordiest Geordie on TV?

No, Felicity, I've got to go for something I don't already have.

Haway!

Mappy there. With his sidekick, Davina Wave.

You just ate your finger, didn't you?

Yep. A little bit. Yep.

I'm hearing that Phil Tyme is still on the lookout for the elusive

graffiti vandal.

What's happening, Phil?

Well, Felicity, we're still live and...

yeah, all right, Terry, two's plenty, thank you.

And we're hiding behind this bench

-and we're expecting the vandal to turn up any moment now.

-Phil!

Don't touch the bench! I had to paint over the graffiti.

Oh, yeah, right you are, yeah. Oh! Hang on! Who's this?

Oh! This is it! We've got him! Quick, Terry, come on. Follow me.

Eh, stop! Stop! In the name of Phil Tyme, the people's champion.

But I wasn't even doing anything!

Oh, yeah? You've got the can in your hand, madam! Oh! Oh! Police! Police!

Terry and I have just caught this ruffian doing their illegal

graffiti on this wall.

I've been trying to catch these delinquents for months!

No need to thank me, all in a day's work for Phil Tyme,

the people's champion.

-What's all that on your hands?

-You what?

Hah! An accomplice! You've been caught purple handed, sunshine.

What? No, no, no. This is paint from that bench over there.

Tell him, Helen.

I always thought he looked a bit dodgy to be honest.

Let's get you two down to the station.

Helen! Give a live sign and the link back to the studio without me!

This is Phil Tyme, the idiot criminal from DNN.

-Take 'em back, Terry. Oh, cheese and biscuits.

-Crackers!

-He certainly is.

Phil Tyme there, or Jail Tyme as he'll now be known.

Yeah, yeah or...

doing Tyme!

Basically the same joke, Bob.

Fair enough.

Well, that's about all for today.

Certainly is, Flicky.

But before we go I've found a cheeky little online nugget about YOU!

Finally managed to spell my name correctly did you?

Pineapple Steve told me.

I've found this video of you reporting on a very famous

news story, Felicity. It certainly makes for interesting viewing.

Today's big news is the maiden voyage of RMS Titanic.

The world's largest ship is due to set sail any moment now and is

estimated to arrive in New York in approximately seven days' time.

Now, how is that even possible?

TV wasn't invented when the Titanic set sail.

And just how old are you, Felicity?

I have an excellent make-up artist.

I've been the timeless Felicity Bond.

-And I want to see your birth certificate.

-Say goodbye, Bob.

Goodbye, Bob!

Right, let's get to the bottom of this. How old are you?

-Oh, you couldn't count that high, Bob.

-I couldn't count?

-One, two, three.

-Then.

-Then.

-No, what comes after three?

-What comes after three.

-No, not a word, a number.

-Oh, 11.

-No, four.

Sorry, I've stopped concentrating. I'm looking at your teeth.

-They're incredible.

-Stop changing the subject.

-There's a subject?

There we go. Yet another Bob Roberts fail video.