Episode 4 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 4

A sideways look at the week's headlines. Phil Tyme hunts down a graffiti vandal, and Jahmene Mann wants to see viewer's best sports tricks.


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Transcript


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Bob? Bob, it's Henry. Can I have a word?

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Ah, Jahmene, have you seen Bob?

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Uh... negative, boss man. Have you tried his room?

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Obviously. I take it it's your sports tricks video this week?

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It is, yeah. I'm going to see if Bob has any mad football skills.

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I'd settle for some news reading skills.

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LION ROARS

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Oh!

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Hi, Henry! I'm sooooo excited about today's show.

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I totally can't wait to do that top secret celebrity exclusive,

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1) because celebrities are the best and 2)...

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First rule of telly, Kelly,

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save some of that...infectious enthusiasm for the show.

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Now, have you seen Bob?

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Yep. He went in there. Right.

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Bob? Bob? Bob?!

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Ah, Davina. What's today's record attempt?

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Oh, erm, flipping tyres, Henry!

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What have you got against tyres?

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No, no, no. Me and Mappy are doing the weather

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while I set the record for flipping tyres!

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Of course you are. Now, have you seen Bob?

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-Why aye. He's in there.

-Thank you.

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You're welcome.

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Thanks, Mappy, I owe you one!

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Hello and welcome to DNN, I'm the pristine Felicity Bond.

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I'm Bob Roberts. This is a picture of my mother Roberta.

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Love you, Mum. And here are today's headlines.

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A cat swallows a pogo stick.

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A trailer is released for the Marley & Me sequel, Bob Marley & Me.

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MUSIC: "Buffalo Soldier" by Bob Marley

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And a lazy squirrel finds a new way to get up trees.

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So, Bob, I discovered something very interesting online last night.

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Was it the website for the official Bob Roberts Fan Club, Flicky?

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Current membership of two. Like I said, love you, Mum.

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No, Bob, it was an interesting little video called

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Bob Roberts' Epic Fail.

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Have a look at this.

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And for his latest report about the future of robots,

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Ricky's been to the laboratory in...

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Yeah, I know... completely misunderstood and started

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-milking its udders.

-Bob!

-...There was milk everywhere!

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-Bob, we're live, what are you doing?

-Sorry, there's someone in here.

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Aisha, what are you doing in my house? This is not my house.

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Ah, well, yes. I mean it's easily done.

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These studios can be an absolute maze, Flicky.

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How did you find it anyway?

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Easy. I searched "Bob Roberts Fail" and there were

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853 videos. That was just the first one.

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Yeah? Well, right, two can play that game.

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How do you spell "Felicity", Felicity?

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Time to welcome our human canine,

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it's J-Dog Jahmene Ma- Oh, look, Felicity what does Henry want?

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This is hardly the time for charades, Henry.

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We're trying to do a show.

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OK, two words? How many syllables in the...

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Can you not hear Henry?

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He wants us to go live to Phil Tyme.

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What? No, I can't hear him at all, Felicity!

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Nothing! I've lost my hearing!

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I'm too young and handsome for this to happen!

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Oh, I'll never hear the beautiful song of the morning birds again,

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or the latest Miley Cyrus

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record... which in a way, would be a good thing.

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Try putting your ear piece in, Bob.

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Oh, yes, yes, yes.

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Ah! Go ahead, caller.

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Well, we're going to cross now to our consumer champ, Phil Tyme,

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who I believe is hot on the heels of a graffiti vandal.

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Oh, I love graffiti. It's especially good with meatballs.

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You're thinking of spaghetti.

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I am thinking about spaghetti.

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I'm always thinking about spaghetti.

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Phil, are you there?

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With meatballs.

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Yes, Felicity.

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Phil Tyme here, the people's champion,

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and this lovely lady next to me is Helen.

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Now, Helen has written in

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complaining about the graffiti hooligan who keeps mucking up

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her street and especially,

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the side of her house. Is THIS the offending wall here, Helen?

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Yes, I already told you that.

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-Yes, but we weren't on the TV then so we've got to...

-Fine.

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Yes, this is the wall. It's awful.

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I clean it up and then as soon as the street quiet, someone come and

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-spray graffiti all over it. There.

-A bit shirty, this one, Terry.

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So, what's the plan, Phil?

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We've cleared the street and we're going to

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lie in wait behind that bench there until they show up.

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-Aren't we, Helen?

-They spray graffiti all over that too.

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-I had to repaint it this morning.

-Oh, dear.

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So, join us later

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when the writing will most definitely be on the wall for this

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vicious vandal when I bring them to televisual justice, live on DNN!

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-A bit lower, Helen.

-No, I think that's about right.

-Suit yourself.

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We're off to hide. See you in a bit.

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Phil Tyme there, quite literally trying to clean up the streets.

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That's a permanent marker, Bob.

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Is it?

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Er, Steve? Can we get a new screen for the desk, please?

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This one is faulty.

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Time to head to Jahmene Mann who I believe has a "tricky"

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proposition for us today.

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That's right, Felicity. Bob, I have one question for you.

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And here's my answer... Timbuktu.

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No, Bob, I was going to ask if you're any good at keepie-uppies?

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Of course, Jahmene, I once did seven on the bounce at school.

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Wayne Rooney has nothing on me!

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That's my close personal friend, Wayne Rooney.

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Not now, Gary. It's Bob time.

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All right then, Bob, show us what you've got.

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Certainly. Lob it over.

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Sorry, Phil.

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Well, with the World Cup just around the corner,

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I predict we will see some totally rad tricks.

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However, with dozens of sports to pick from, I reckoned that you

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lot out there would have some pretty silky skills.

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So, let's meet the street.

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OK, so whether it's some classic keepie-uppie,

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a beautifully balanced basket ball or a skateboarder's perfect

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pop shove-it, we're always impressed by people with sporting

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skills to pay the bills, and today, I'm looking for...

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Let's get the ball rolling.

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One, two, three...

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Yes!

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94, 95, 96...

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Ouch!

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Oh, yes! Yes!

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Hula-hooping champion.

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1,605... I can't keep up.

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So, there it is, people of Britain.

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You're more than OK when it comes to game-playing.

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But if there's one thing that I've learnt today,

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it's that some tricks are more trouble than they're worth.

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OK, guy, I can hit this ball

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so high it goes to that factory chimney over there.

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-Yeah, right!

-Nah, for real. Check it.

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OK, laterz, yeah?

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-OI! GET HERE!

-No, no, no. No, no, no. No. Argh!

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-Get Here!

-No, no, no, no! Man down! Man down!

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MUSIC: "Theme To Match Of The Day" by Barry Stoller

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Actually easier than it looks, this.

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Steve. Steve, mate. Steven.

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He's unemployable.

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Well now, it's time to strap in and rocket down that showbiz

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highway with our speed demon Kelly Fornia.

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Hey, Kelly!

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Hi, Flickster. Hiya Bobster.

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It's been a simply amazing, samazing, week.

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I went to Manchester to watch Little Mix on tour

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They were sooo good. I couldn't decide who's my favourite.

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I really liked Perrie, but Jade was just uber cool,

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and then I went to see X-Men where Jennifer Lawrence was painted

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-all blue...

-Kelly!

-..I love her so I painted all my nails blue, look.

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It really has been a totally sick week and...

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You've been sick all week and Henry's made you work?

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No, Bob, it's been an awesome week, you know... bare sick!

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Bear sick? What? Does that smell of honey?

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No, Bob, no bears were sick!

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Oh, thank goodness. The bear's fine.

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The bear is fine, everyone! Stand down.

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Anyway, Kelly, the showbiz headlines?

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First up....

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Gran from Wizards vs Aliens does her impression of a dissolving aspirin.

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Dev from Corrie gets a new role as a grandfather clock.

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Bong!

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And Young Dracula's dad finds his way around a "wet floor" sign.

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Thanks, Kelly. So, I hear you have an exclusive interview for us?

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Oh, my, wow. It's so amazing because it completely hasn't happened.

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Ah. Were they sick too?

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Totally not.

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I did have an interview utterly lined up

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but things did not go to plan and I ended up

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standing around for ages but that was totally amazing cos it

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allowed me to learn every word of Can We Dance by The Vamps.

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-Kelly!

-Yes?

-What actually happened?

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This happened. Check it out!

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Hi! I'm Kelly Fornia and today,

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I was totally meant to be meeting up with a mega celebrity

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at their house, but they haven't turned up.

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It's true. Too samazing, isn't it? Even better than made-up things.

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Anymaze, this is even better now because I get to show you round

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their house instead and you get to guess who lives here!

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Oh, my, wow.

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This is majorly their front door and it's see-through. That's so cool!

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Coloured doors are cool too.

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Green has to be my favourite colour, closely followed by red, then blue.

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Joint third with purple, beige, mauve, burgundy, brown

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and teal, but basically all colours are fantastic.

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It's locked.

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The spare keys were under the garden gnome.

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Amazing. Scratch that. Gnomazing, new word.

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So, who's house is this, peeps? You probably want some clues, right?

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Oh, clues are fantastic.

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They're my best part to solving the puzzle,

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apart from the answer bit, which is even better.

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Uber wow.

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Clue one. Look at all these bears. Oh, I love bears!

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And so does this person.

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OR their house has been invaded by bears,

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like a reverse Goldilocks, reversilocks.

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Clue two. I'm all up in their grills.

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This person must be a humassive griller. Ooh, gorillas.

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They're just as fantastic as bears.

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So, whoever lives here loves bears, and grills.

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Who lives here?

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Er, is it Grizzly Toasts house?

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-No.

-Teddy Chargrill!

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-Nope.

-Yogi Panini!

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No Bob, think a bit harder. You're almost there.

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-No, it's gone.

-It's Bear Grylls!

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Yes! It was amazing outdoors survivey adventure man Bear Grylls.

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What is this obsession with bears, Kelly?

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-Were you actually watching, Bob?

-No.

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Great! I can start from scratch.

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I should probably give you some of Bear's backstory first.

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He was born on the 7th June 1974...

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No, that's fine Kelly... We'll see you next time. Bye, now, bye!

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..and grew up in Northern Ireland...

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Evanesco!

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How did you do that, Bob?

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Hah... Muggles!

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Learning things news now and recent strikes by teachers left

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classrooms in chaos up and down the country.

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But some local councils have recently introduced a scheme

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to ensure that the school show must go on!

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To tell us more in an angry voice, the woman whose

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sense of humour is permanently on strike, it's Nellie Osmond.

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For some people, the idea of returning to school fills them

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with dread, probably

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because they mucked around and didn't take things seriously.

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And those who did take things seriously were given stupid

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immature nicknames like Smelly Osmond.... I imagine.

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I'm here at this emergency teacher training school where

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members of the local community are trained up as teachers to

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act as cover for when the real teachers are on strike.

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Let's take a look.

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I'm here with Amber and Daniel, the school's test pupils.

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-So, what's the first lesson?

-It's Geography, Nellie.

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Being taught by the local hairdresser.

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I know all the best places abroad, me. Alicante!

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-It's lovely in Alicante. Benidorm.

-This is ridiculous.

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-She just keeps pointing at Spain.

-Malta! NO. Do not go to Malta.

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It's horrible, I got food poisoning and threw up in the swimming pool.

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-May-jorka!

-Right. This is pointless. I'm going to powder my ears.

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Where else is there?

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Now, this is an English class, and it's being taught by...

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Ah, the village newsagent.

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-Good afternoon...

-What are you doing?! Get out there!

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There's only two school children allowed in here at any one time.

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All right?! Well, rules are rules after all. It's a yes from me.

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-Carry on.

-Whatever, hop it.

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Unbelievable! Right, what were we talking about?

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-HEY! Walk! Don't run!

-Well, this is a poor excuse for a football match.

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But, I'll join in I suppose because I am a professional.

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-Eh, YOU, girl, where's your kit?!

-Me? No, I don't have a kit.

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I'm a serious journalist.

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Oh, well you'll have to do it in your vest and pants then.

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-You must be joking.

-It's that, or wear something from lost property.

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-HEY!

-Urgh, these clothes reek. When were they last washed? Disgusting.

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So, this new form of substitute teaching might seem

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good on paper, but the Nellie Osmond school of thinking

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gives it a heavily underlined F. This is Nellie Osmond, requesting

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-an early bath for DNN.

-Smelly Osmond!

-I heard that!

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-Huh huh!

-Thanks, Smelly.

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Well, it's time for us to go on strike now...

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But don't go anywhere, we'll be back in a flash.

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We will. But remember, other superheroes are available!

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Good work, everyone! Sharp stuff. I liked it.

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-How long have we got, Steve?

-About a minute.

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Great, I'm going to check my make up.

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Right, well I'm off to the little Bob's room.

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Can we pull up Phil's live feed, please? Nice stuff, Felicity.

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-Thanks, Henry.

-Adequate as ever, Bob.

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Whatever, Henry.

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Ah! Phil, could I have a brief word please?

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Sure. How's "underpants"?

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No, Phil, I just wanted a quick update on this graffiti vandal.

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Well H... Can I call you H?

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I'd prefer Henry.

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What about Hen-meister?

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Absolutely not.

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Well, I'll stick with H. Well, H I'm pretty sure...

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BOB FROM BATHROOM: "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world..."

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WATER RUNS

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Oops, sounds like someone's left their mic on...

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Astonishing. Anyway, Phil my suggestion to you...

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BOB IMPERSONATING HENRY: "Nice stuff, Felicity. Adequate, Bob.

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"I'm so smooth and clever but also so very, very dull!"

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STREAM CONTINUES

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OK, back on in 20...

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Oh. Better head back.

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Anyway, Henry, we'll be in touch when we spot the graffiti vandal.

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C'mon, Terry...

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STREAM STOPS

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-Right, good luck, everyone, you'll need it.

-Back in 10!

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Ah, Felicity. One hot water bottle, filled as requested.

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Could hardly get it under the tap.

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Oh, thank goodness!

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I forgot to take a wee.

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Welcome back to DNN, breaking the news just for you!

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Well, you break it and I fix it, Felicity...

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-That's not what I meant.

-Anyway, time for a trip to sportsland to meet

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its Prime Minister, Gary Ogden.

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Thanks, Bob.

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Yes, it's the Ogginator here with all

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the latest from the world of professional hitting things,

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running after people and trying to get a thing in a thing.

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Here are the headlines.

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Ping Pong competitors make the best of it

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when they turn up at the wrong venue.

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There's a mass escape from the local Greyhound track.

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And cyclists demonstrate a new organic bicycle.

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But my top story this week is diving!

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Yes, it always looks so simple on TV,

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but what does the perfect dive entail?

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To find out, I sent over someone who's NEVER out of his depth...

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It's Gary Ogden. Over to you, Gary.

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Thanks, Gary.

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Yes, I've come along to find out all there is to know about diving

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with Splash! judge and close personal friend, Leon Taylor!

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-Do I actually know you?

-Sheldon swimming baths, 1998.

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You were in the changing rooms,

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I was the guy with his head stuck in the vending machine.

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I was wearing armbands and Postman Pat swimming trunks?

0:16:470:16:49

See? He remembers! I never did get those crisps.

0:16:490:16:53

So, Leon, I've come dressed for the occasion and I'm ready to dive!

0:16:530:16:57

Yeah, Gary, what are you actually wearing?

0:16:570:16:59

What are you NOT wearing, more like!

0:16:590:17:01

I mean, he hasn't even got a snorkel! Hey, check this out.

0:17:010:17:04

"Luke! I am your father!"

0:17:050:17:08

-Brilliant.

-Gary, it's not that sort of diving.

0:17:080:17:11

It's actually this sort of diving.

0:17:110:17:13

What, really?

0:17:140:17:16

Leon, me old buddy, is it safe diving off heights like this?

0:17:160:17:20

This is actually only the 3m platform.

0:17:200:17:23

So, um, what's this I hear about...

0:17:230:17:27

-the wedgie.

-The what?

-You know, the...

0:17:270:17:29

I've heard it's a professional hazard.

0:17:310:17:33

-Shall we just concentrate on the diving?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:17:330:17:36

Toes right on the end, arms above the head,

0:17:360:17:39

tip forward from the hips, up onto the toes and go.

0:17:390:17:43

Wah-haa!

0:17:430:17:45

Oh! Ah!

0:17:450:17:46

-You OK to give it a go?

-Yeah, sure. Hey, why don't we go together?

0:17:480:17:51

-Oh, good idea. Let's go on three.

-OK. I'll count.

-Sounds good.

-Cool.

0:17:510:17:56

-OK. Forwards.

-1, 2 and...

0:17:560:18:01

I never said three, Leon!

0:18:030:18:05

Right, that is quite naughty. Well, he's spoiled the moment now.

0:18:050:18:08

I'm going home. Honestly!

0:18:080:18:11

Back to you in the studio, Gary.

0:18:110:18:12

Thanks, Gary. Anyway, that's your sport for this week.

0:18:120:18:16

Before you go, Gary, I've just been skiing on the internet...

0:18:160:18:19

It's surfing, Bob. Surfing the internet.

0:18:190:18:21

Maybe in Californ-i-a, Miss Yankee Doodle Fancy Pants...

0:18:210:18:25

Anyway, gal old pal, I found a video of you having

0:18:250:18:28

a screen-test for a job as a BBC Sports Reporter...

0:18:280:18:32

You kept that quiet...

0:18:320:18:33

Ah, well... You know...I er...

0:18:330:18:34

don't like to brag about such things...

0:18:340:18:36

-Well let's have a look shall we?

-No! No, no, no...

0:18:360:18:38

Hello, welcome to the sports locker. I'm Gary Ogden.

0:18:380:18:42

Er, it's "Welcome to the sports news", and you're looking into

0:18:420:18:45

the wrong camera, Gary.

0:18:450:18:47

Oh, right. Yeah, OK. I knew that. Just testing.

0:18:470:18:50

Hello, welcome to the sports news. I'm Gary Ogden.

0:18:500:18:54

Today, I'll be speaking to my close personal friend,

0:18:540:18:57

Gary Line-ike-er about this weekend's sport.

0:18:570:19:00

-OK, no. It's Lineker, Gary.

-Lineker Gary?

0:19:000:19:03

No, no, you've definitely got those names the wrong way round.

0:19:030:19:06

Gary's his first name, mate.

0:19:060:19:08

Oh! Gary!

0:19:080:19:09

Ah yes, me and my close personal friend Gary Line-ike-er

0:19:090:19:12

often have a good laugh about that.

0:19:120:19:14

In fact, here he is ringing me now.

0:19:140:19:16

It's not ringing, Gary.

0:19:160:19:17

It's on silent.

0:19:170:19:18

Hi Gary. Yep, I'm free for lunch. Yes, yes...

0:19:180:19:21

Now, let's head outside for another weather challenge with

0:19:230:19:26

overwhelming weathergirl Davina Wave and her sidekick, Map!

0:19:260:19:29

Oh, it's Mappy, Felicity.

0:19:290:19:30

Look, I've made my own Ireland glove, just like Mappy's.

0:19:300:19:33

-That's some cabbage, Bob.

-I know.

0:19:330:19:36

Are you there, Davina?

0:19:360:19:37

Are you there, MAPPY?

0:19:370:19:38

All right, pets, yes, it's Davina Wave here, and Map!

0:19:380:19:43

And I'm here to tell all you sunny sunbeams how sunny it's gonna be.

0:19:430:19:47

So, Davina! What record will you be setting this week?

0:19:470:19:50

Well, today, Felicity, I'm going to be setting the record for...

0:19:500:19:54

OK, Davina, your time starts in 3, 2, 1...

0:19:590:20:02

And we're off!

0:20:020:20:04

In Brighton, it's gonna be grey, grim and overcast.

0:20:040:20:09

Brighton? You might as well call it "Dull-ton"!

0:20:090:20:12

In that London...

0:20:120:20:15

it's gonna be lovely and sunny.

0:20:150:20:18

But have you got a geet big majestic Tyne Bridge?

0:20:180:20:21

Eh, no, I doing think you do, do you?

0:20:210:20:24

So put that back in your geet big box.

0:20:240:20:26

Or studio apartment as you like to call it.

0:20:260:20:29

Come on, man, it's a bedsit!

0:20:290:20:31

Oh, the stunning Tyne Bridge of the city of... NEWCASTLE!

0:20:310:20:37

Step it up a gear! Newcastle!

0:20:370:20:40

The only city in the world with an underground called the Metro

0:20:400:20:44

unless you include Paris or Warsaw! Woohoo! Toon Army!

0:20:440:20:49

Time's up Davina.

0:20:490:20:51

All right. How did I do?

0:20:510:20:52

You managed 25 tyre flips.

0:20:520:20:54

Another glorious victory for the people of Newcastle!

0:20:540:20:58

Glad you're happy.

0:20:580:20:59

And I'm glad he's Mappy!

0:20:590:21:01

So, what record are you going for next week, Davina?

0:21:010:21:04

Geordiest Geordie on TV?

0:21:040:21:06

No, Felicity, I've got to go for something I don't already have.

0:21:060:21:09

Haway!

0:21:090:21:10

Mappy there. With his sidekick, Davina Wave.

0:21:100:21:14

You just ate your finger, didn't you?

0:21:140:21:17

Yep. A little bit. Yep.

0:21:170:21:19

I'm hearing that Phil Tyme is still on the lookout for the elusive

0:21:230:21:26

graffiti vandal.

0:21:260:21:28

What's happening, Phil?

0:21:280:21:29

Well, Felicity, we're still live and...

0:21:290:21:32

yeah, all right, Terry, two's plenty, thank you.

0:21:320:21:34

And we're hiding behind this bench

0:21:340:21:36

-and we're expecting the vandal to turn up any moment now.

-Phil!

0:21:360:21:41

Don't touch the bench! I had to paint over the graffiti.

0:21:410:21:44

Oh, yeah, right you are, yeah. Oh! Hang on! Who's this?

0:21:440:21:47

Oh! This is it! We've got him! Quick, Terry, come on. Follow me.

0:21:480:21:53

Eh, stop! Stop! In the name of Phil Tyme, the people's champion.

0:21:530:21:57

But I wasn't even doing anything!

0:21:570:21:59

Oh, yeah? You've got the can in your hand, madam! Oh! Oh! Police! Police!

0:21:590:22:03

Terry and I have just caught this ruffian doing their illegal

0:22:030:22:06

graffiti on this wall.

0:22:060:22:08

I've been trying to catch these delinquents for months!

0:22:080:22:10

No need to thank me, all in a day's work for Phil Tyme,

0:22:100:22:13

the people's champion.

0:22:130:22:15

-What's all that on your hands?

-You what?

0:22:150:22:18

Hah! An accomplice! You've been caught purple handed, sunshine.

0:22:180:22:22

What? No, no, no. This is paint from that bench over there.

0:22:220:22:25

Tell him, Helen.

0:22:250:22:26

I always thought he looked a bit dodgy to be honest.

0:22:260:22:29

Let's get you two down to the station.

0:22:290:22:31

Helen! Give a live sign and the link back to the studio without me!

0:22:310:22:35

This is Phil Tyme, the idiot criminal from DNN.

0:22:350:22:40

-Take 'em back, Terry. Oh, cheese and biscuits.

-Crackers!

-He certainly is.

0:22:400:22:47

Phil Tyme there, or Jail Tyme as he'll now be known.

0:22:470:22:50

Yeah, yeah or...

0:22:500:22:52

doing Tyme!

0:22:540:22:56

Basically the same joke, Bob.

0:22:560:22:57

Fair enough.

0:22:570:22:58

Well, that's about all for today.

0:22:580:23:01

Certainly is, Flicky.

0:23:010:23:02

But before we go I've found a cheeky little online nugget about YOU!

0:23:020:23:06

Finally managed to spell my name correctly did you?

0:23:060:23:09

Pineapple Steve told me.

0:23:090:23:11

I've found this video of you reporting on a very famous

0:23:110:23:13

news story, Felicity. It certainly makes for interesting viewing.

0:23:130:23:18

Today's big news is the maiden voyage of RMS Titanic.

0:23:180:23:21

The world's largest ship is due to set sail any moment now and is

0:23:210:23:24

estimated to arrive in New York in approximately seven days' time.

0:23:240:23:28

Now, how is that even possible?

0:23:280:23:31

TV wasn't invented when the Titanic set sail.

0:23:310:23:34

And just how old are you, Felicity?

0:23:340:23:37

I have an excellent make-up artist.

0:23:370:23:39

I've been the timeless Felicity Bond.

0:23:390:23:41

-And I want to see your birth certificate.

-Say goodbye, Bob.

0:23:410:23:44

Goodbye, Bob!

0:23:440:23:46

Right, let's get to the bottom of this. How old are you?

0:23:460:23:48

-Oh, you couldn't count that high, Bob.

-I couldn't count?

0:23:480:23:51

-One, two, three.

-Then.

-Then.

-No, what comes after three?

0:23:510:23:54

-What comes after three.

-No, not a word, a number.

0:23:540:23:56

-Oh, 11.

-No, four.

0:23:560:23:58

Sorry, I've stopped concentrating. I'm looking at your teeth.

0:23:580:24:00

-They're incredible.

-Stop changing the subject.

-There's a subject?

0:24:000:24:03

There we go. Yet another Bob Roberts fail video.

0:24:030:24:06

Join Bob Roberts and Felicity Bond in the DNN newsroom for a brand new series of hilarious headlines and ridiculous reports into big news stories.

Phil Tyme hunts down a graffiti vandal, sports reporter Gary Ogden meets Splash! judge Leon Taylor, and 'Mann about town' Jahmene Mann wants to see your best sports tricks.

DNN: It's the news, but it's definitely not Newsround!


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