Episode 5 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

-That sign's looking a bit tatty. Get a new one.

-Yes, boss.

-DAVINA:

-All right, lads?

Aye, of course Newcastle could afford to gain independence, man.

Map would just get a paper round.

-KELLY:

-I went to my favourite cinema, you were right.

It was a great film!

But the most amazing part was that I got to pick 'n' mix

and apart from mixing, picking is my absolute

most favouritest thing ever! Hello?

Oh, lost my signal - brilliant!

Then you have to call back and it's like a whole new conversation!

PING

-BEA:

-Aargh! Microwave!

No, it's OK, sorry.

So I said "Henry, you have no idea what makes a good news programme."

-Really?

-Yeah. Henry Smart is the most talentless,

dull, stupid, ugly, dull,

smug and dull man I've ever worked with -

and I've worked with everyone in this lift.

-HENRY:

-Hello, Bob.

-Hello, Henry.

I was just talking about you.

-I heard. Bob?

-Yes?

I'm giving you the sack.

That's brilliant! Thank you!

Sacks are so much fun!

He has no idea I've just fired him, has he?

Hello and welcome to DNN.

I'm the invaluable Felicity Bond...

I'm Bob Roberts.

This is Captain Thumb.

"I'll save you if you're small enough!"

And these are today's headlines.

Tufty wins America's Most Grateful Squirrel Award.

Thank you for giving me these delicious walnuts.

You are a nice person. I will come back tomorrow to get more.

You are my favourite person in the neighbourhood. I like you.

Bananas in Pyjamas try their hand at action movies.

Aaargh! Don't let go! Don't let go!

I've got you, I've got you!

And we reveal the hidden feature you never knew your cat had.

MUSIC: "Trololo Song" by Eduard Khil

MUSIC STOPS

And, in other news...

Henry's giving me the sack!

And you're happy about that?

Well, yes! Look how much fun it is!

Sack, sack, Black and White Army!

Don't break it - that's mine now!

You know what "giving someone the sack" means, don't you, Bob?

Yeah! It means they're getting a special prize

for being the best that week and doing good listening.

Bob! Felicity! We're on air!

BOB LAUGHS

-Whee!

-Be careful!

Bob, I'm firing you.

This is your last show.

You will no longer work here.

You are fired.

And the sack?

Keep it.

Hang on! You can't fire me!

-You're not the boss of me!

-Actually, he is.

Well, he can't get rid of me! I've got a cast iron contract.

Well, if you do have a cast iron contract, let's see it.

That's a cast iron waffle pan.

Are they different things?

They're different things.

I do have a contract somewhere...

Now, from a dope...

It may be in dressing up box.

..to someone who is dope - it's Jahmene Mann.

Thanks, Felicity. Now, Blue Steel...

-"Is it raining?"

-RAIN POURS

"I've just hit my head."

CLANGING

You look absurd!

All of them are classic fashion poses, gramps.

But where are the next generation of poses going to come from?

There's only one place they could.

Let's meet the street.

Strike a pose.

Yes, you don't need to be in designer clobber

to strut your stuff. It's all about the 'tude.

So, pukka up and join me as we try

and find Britain's best...

model poses.

Time to get catwalking.

MUSIC: "Applause" by Lady Gaga

# I live for the applause, applause, applause

# I live for the applause-plause... #

The teapot.

The deep thinker.

Yeah!

Looking sharp, people of the UK.

You lot can clearly give catwalkers a strut for their money.

But, if there's one thing that I've learnt today,

it's that, if you're going to ask someone to do something,

you better be clear about what you want.

Excuse me? Can I see your best impression of a model?

Best impression of a model? Erm, OK.

Gosh, all right. Something like...

Who are all these people?!

These are not my usual people!

You are the worst assistant ever.

And where is my half-caff-decaf mocha-latte-cino?

-Just calm down.

-Nobody tells me to calm down.

Come back here!

You will never work in the fashion industry again, OK?

Do you understand?

Excellent report, Jahmene.

You and the Great British public

were working some fierce...

attitude there.

Thanks Felicity, you're pretty...

-..yourself.

-I am.

Yeah, well, I can do that...

I can't even do that!

Now, to take us back in time, it's the reporter with all

the warmth of an ice age -

it's Nellie Osmond.

Thank you, Robert.

Earlier this year, it was revealed that footprints almost

a million years old -

making them the oldest human footprints outside of Africa -

were discovered on the Norfolk coast.

But how would the people who made them have lived?

Did DNN send me to ask a serious scientist?

What do you think?

Today, I'm meeting Neil Anderthal, who, for the past three years,

has chosen to live as a disgusting, malodorous caveman.

And, even though his body odour could knock out an elephant,

I'm soldiering on, because I'm a professional.

-Hello, Neil.

-Please, Nellie, call me...

HE GRUNTS

What does that mean?

-Neil.

-Of course it does.

-Show me around this cave of yours.

-Ah, before you enter,

you must change into something a little more era-appropriate.

-Eurgh!

-Oh, you speak Caveman, too. Wonderful.

You don't have much stuff, do you?

I live a simple life, Nellie.

HE GRUNTS

This rock is all the stuff I need.

It's my table, my wardrobe, my kitchen surface.

What do you use for a sofa?

-The rock.

-Right.

Oven?

-Rock again.

-Tea trolley?

-Rock.

-Bed?

-Rock.

What you do for entertainment?

-Oh, I throw rocks at...

-The rock.

Right, seriously, I'm trying to do a job of work here.

Now, Neil has agreed to take me hunting,

but, before we go, Neil,

could you show me where the toilet is, please?

-Oh, the rock.

-Eurgh!

Oh, seriously, where did you learn to speak like that?

What are you hunting?

Big game. Bears, buffalo.

Baloney.

Yes, that, too. Ssh, there!

Oh-oh-ah!

Ah!

Ah-oh-ah-oh-ah-ah!

Bin bag! Oh, and a yoghurt pot!

That'll look good on the rock.

Brilliant. Well, there you have it.

While it's beyond doubt that our ancestors can teach us a thing

or two, this particular caveman is definitely off his rocker.

And that's a fact, not a pun, by the way.

This is Nellie Osmond for DNN.

Back to you, Robert.

Hey, guess what my favourite type of music is?

Is it a jazz?

Oh... Yes, it is.

Thanks, Nellie!

I'd like to say it's been a pleasure working with you, Robert.

-Aw...

-But I'm a professional and I don't lie,

so the best I can manage is...

"You've turned up. Mostly."

I'll take it.

Time now for entertainment news.

So, let's cross to the motor-mouthed sunshine machine

that is Kelly Fornia.

Thanks, Flickster! Hi, Bobster!

Oh-my-wow! You would not believe what an incredible week it's been.

My cat died.

Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that, Kelly.

My commiserdolences.

Ooh, new word! No, I mean it was really sad,

but it's amazing, because Angela Miowkel

was like a gazillion years old, and she hadn't been well,

and now she's gone to a better place.

Ooh, the pencil museum?

And the awesome news is that I've got a new puppy

who is so, so cute!

I think I'll name him after my favourite EastEnder.

-Dot Cotton?

-No.

-Mick Carter?

-Nuh-uh.

-Sharon?

-Alfie?

No - Kat! Which is an awesome name for a dog,

cos I think it'll be character building.

All the other dogs will be "Cat, what kind of name is that?!"

He'll be like, "It's my name" and...

-Kelly!

-Yeah?

-Showbiz News.

Oh, fab-a-rooney.

So, my big story this week is talent shows.

They've been around for ever, and they're still uber-popular.

Ubular - new word!

Spectacubular! New new word!

Anyway, play VT.

Hi, besties!

So, singing, it's uber awesome.

And, if you want to be a singer, there are two ways of doing it.

One, being naturally talented,

get training, work really, really hard

and be uber, uber lucky.

Two, it's be on a TV talent show.

Yes, auditions start today for new talent show

Shut Up and Sing and I'm going to enter!

Oh, my wow!

My performance is going to be Olly-Muraculous. Follow me, guys!

Hello, dear!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Hi, I'm Kelly and I want this 110%,

even though that's, like, mathematically impossible.

-Oh, nice hands.

-Sweetheart, I'm Simon Sneer.

Now, shut up and sing.

# I got the eye of the tiger... #

Oh, my wow!

Aren't tigers totally jungle-tastic?

If you shaved a tiger completely bald, it would still be stripy.

Kelly, I don't know what happened.

You were singing, then you weren't singing.

I hate you.

Simon, you totally nailed what I did wrong. Judge-mazing.

Don't do this to me, Mrs!

You just aren't right for the show.

SHE CRIES

So, I 'm totally right for another show? Yes!

You were like...

-..a banana.

-Awesome.

But then...

You were totally a lampshade.

Double awesome.

So, I think you should go and become...

..a unicorn.

Did he just steal me for his team?

Kelly, it's the end of the road.

And the road leads to...

Boot Camp! Yes!

Oh, I'm through!

Tim, get her out of here.

Oh, my wow!

See you at the live shows!

This is the part where they play

a slow-mo replay of my triumph. I love slow-mo.

Kelly For-n-ia,

you are through...

Yeah!

So, how did you do, Kelly?

I didn't get through, but that's awesome,

cos it means that, next time I audition,

-I've got more of a journey...

-I've put in a trap door. Watch this.

..play Survivor by Destiny's Child,

and I can talk about how much I've grown

and learned and that being rejected has made me want it more.

I'm like rejoicing that I've been rejected.

Rejoice-ected. New word!

And I'll be able to tell them that I'm doing it for Angela Miowkal.

It's so what she would have wanted, if she wasn't a cat. Well, ex-cat.

Kelly Fornia, there.

The only girl who can go from nought to 60 in three words.

Aargh!

CRASH

I'm fine. Gary broke my fall.

My pleasure!

We'll be back after these messages.

Nobody go anywhere.

Can someone show Bob back to the studio?

Can I have a word, Felicity?

Certainly, Henry.

How about "spork"?

I didn't mean to say that.

Hmm. Getting rid of Bob is the first step toward making DNN

a professional news show.

We're also losing the interview with the human balloon.

That's left her really deflated!

Don't step into Bob's shoes, Felicity.

I wouldn't. He has verrucas!

What is wrong with me?!

Instead, I want to do serious political interviews.

Right. Where should we...?

Don't bother me with details - I'm a big picture person.

You're a big P... Oh...

When Bob isn't here, I start behaving like him.

Ew! Henry, I cannot believe I'm saying this,

but maybe getting rid of Bob wasn't such a great idea?

Are you feeling ill, Felicity?

Of course I am. I'm looking at your face.

I am so sorry, Henry!

This is like a horror film.

OK, everyone, back on in five, four, three...

Welcome back.

Still to come, the sports news with Gary Ogden.

The travel news with Bea Rhodes.

Henry can't sack me!

Have you found the contract?

Nope, but I have found this...

This hi-tech piece of machinery

tells exactly what the viewers think of DNN.

See, I'm talking. Ha-ha!

-It looks like it's made of cardboard.

-Oh!

Don't worry, it's just that they don't like you

as much as they like me.

Now, watch this. Oh!

Hello? Pooh!

See. I know what people want. Me!

And me!

This isn't connected to the audience, is it?

Yes, it is. Of course it is.

No, Gary I'm talking now.

Oh, I see.

It's time now for the big political interview.

Oh, dear.

Later this year, people in Scotland will vote on

whether to remain part of the UK.

But there are other parts of Britain where independence

is also a hot topic.

-I can't make it go any lower without a spade.

-Ha!

So, new to the debate - is Newcastle going to stay or go?

I thought we were doing the human balloon.

No.

With us to discuss this burning issue is the leader of the

Newcastle Independence Party -

our very own Davina Wave.

Wey-aye! Canny to be here!

So, Davina, why do you think Newcastle should be independent?

Well, for a start, Flicky,

we've got our own CULTURE!

We've even got our own language.

You don't have your own language.

How, man, we do, man, but we cannat talk like this doon here,

man, cos nee-one would understand what we're saying, like?

One Geordie lass in pink!

"Do you want them double rare?" Aye.

My mistake. So, how would you create borders between Newcastle

and the rest of the UK?

Kelly, Gary, Jahmene,

give us a hand, man?

Well, we'd encircle the toon with replicas of

the Angel of the North, like this,

so yous stay outside.

Bob, you're with me! Hoo!

And then we'll give them all laser eyes -

no permanent damage, like.

Just enough discomfort to send all you southern softies back

to where yous came from. Hoo!

Well, we have someone who wants to argue the other side

of the debate - Map.

Mappy! It's Mappy! Hi! Flicky, it's Mappy!

-Laser eyes, Bob!

-Zoop, zoop!

So, Map, what do you make of Davina's plans

for an independent Newcastle?

BOB GASPS

Bit dramatic, that, Map.

Oh, I can't watch! You're literally ripping his magnificent

Geordie heart from his chest!

Come here.

Gah, all reet! We'll stay!

VOICES: Hooray!

There you go. Come on, give us a hug.

Come on, Mappy.

Just a little hug.

Anyone want to give me a hug?

This has been a very bad day for me.

Now it's time to motor over to our unfeasibly nervous

traffic and travel correspondent. It's Beatrice Rhodes.

Hi, Bea, how are things out there?

Bea? Bea!

Argh! What? Where? Where?

Please don't sting me!

Oh, I see. Yes, of course. Yeah.

Well, this is Bea. Aargh!

No, not that one, this one.

Rhodes, with the travel.

And the big news today is that I'm fine!

Because today I'm by a peaceful country stream.

Is this just another excuse to avoid a busy road, Bea?

And...on with the traffic.

So, on the A1999,

-there's likely to be...

-BIRD TWEETS

Argh, bird! Bird! There's a bird in that bush!

You're fine. And why are you scared of birds, Bea?

Why?! They can FLY, Felicity!

Yeah, she's right, Flicky.

That's basically a superpower.

SHE SINGS TO HERSELF

We need to crack on!

SHE BREATHES SLOWLY

OK, better.

So, on the M&M, there's likely to be...

-Excuse me.

-Aargh!

And there she goes.

Bea Rhodes, everyone.

Sorry, I just wanted to know where the shops were.

Well, if you're going, I'm out of banana milk.

How do you milk a banana?

Let's cross now to...

Oh, I can't find my contract!

Look here, Henry, if you continue with your childish

insistence on firing me, I shall walk out now!

Mid-show! What do you make of that?!

-Fine by me.

-Oh!

I'll happily sit in. Bye-bye, Bob.

Fine!

Apologies, viewers,

but rest assured that with Felicity assisting me...

-"Assisting"?

-Assisting.

..DNN is now in professional hands.

First, let's turn to the economy...

That is my pen!

The Governor of the Bank of England...

My script.

The Governor of the Bank of England today announced...

-My chair!

-Bob!

-Mine!

Thank you!

Do carry on with your so-called "news"!

The Governor of the Bank of England today

announced his plans for rates of interest.

Following a period of historically low rates, we found...

My co-anchor.

Bob! Aargh!

The Governor has not ruled out a rise, but early indications...

And my desk!

For goodness' sake, Bob!

Oh, please don't fire me, Henry!

I take back calling you dull

and stupid and ugly and dull

and talentless and dull and smug and dull and dull!

Well, maybe not dull...

Bob, I'm still firing you.

Who else will have me?!

However...

you may finish the show.

Thank you, Henry!

You are a fair, just

and dull man!

Let me be clear.

Unless you can produce your contract by the end of the programme,

this will be your last show.

Well... well...

The big hand's... and then the little hand is...

Wait, there's a third hand.

Is that a leg? Oh, no, that's the...

Second hand.

No, no, it's brand-new.

Anyway, I've got some minutes to find my contract

before the end of the show.

To the Batcave!

See if your brain is down there, while you're at it.

Time now to go to the only sports reporter who thinks Wembley

flew away with Peter Pan -

it's Gary Ogden.

-Thanks, Bob.

-I'm Felicity.

My pleasure. Yes, I'm Gary Ogden.

No! I'm Gary Ogden!

No! I'm Gary Ogden!

No! I'm Gary Ogden!

No! I'm Gary Ogden!

No, hang on, I actually am Gary Ogden.

This is the DNN Sports Locker

and these are the sports headlines.

It's revealed that David Beckham's children are following in

their mother's footsteps...

LAUGHTER

There's surprise for an aerobics class

when their instructor turns out to be a bear.

MUSIC: "In Da Club" by 50 Cent

And, at rehearsals for the World Cup opening ceremony,

a surprise new instrument is unveiled.

MUSIC: "Trololo Song" by Eduard Khil

MUSIC STOPS

Now, you can race cars.

You can race bicycles.

You can even - ludicrous as it sounds - race horses.

But racing beds? To find out more,

here's a man who's always first with the sports snooze -

it's Gary Ogden.

Thanks, Gary.

I'm here with a bed racing team who are getting in shape

for the annual Knaresborough Bed Race.

And, quite frankly, this is the weirdest bed I've ever seen.

What's going on?

You couldn't push a real bed round the streets, could you, Gary?

-For one thing, you'd fall out.

-Well, two words for you.

Velcro pyjamas.

My pleasure. So, talk me through your team.

Well, I'm Polly Puller and I'm a pusher.

That's my husband, Paul Puller. He's a pusher, too.

And, over there is Patty Pusher, she's my sister.

And she's a pusher, too?

No, Patty's a Puller, she just married a Pusher.

Get on with it!

That's Prim. She's just pushy.

Right, that's that cleared up. Right, let's get racing!

CHEERING

Can I just check, who am I?

Having taken to the bed like a duck to bed,

the team gave me the crucial role of steering.

MUSIC: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac

You all right, Gary?

Don't distract me, Prim! Aargh, chicane! Aargh!

'Then comes the frantic excitement of a bed racing pit stop.'

Pillows plumped!

Got you. It is quite nippy out!

Princess, brave knight, dragon,

-conquered, cheering, wedding, the end!

-Classic.

Check!

-Thumb suck!

-Check.

-And go, go, go!

So, having taken to the streets with Polly and her team,

duvet have what it takes to win?

Duvet have the skills?

And duvet understand my clever wordplay with the word duvet?

The answer to all these questions is yes. They do.

Could someone tuck me in, please?

I'm a bit pooped.

Back to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary.

Gary Ogden there, bringing you all the sports news that mattress.

BOB LAUGHS

Very good.

Excellent BLANKET coverage there, Gary.

Yes, yes. I've got a nap for that, Bob.

That joke's pillow the belt.

-I think it will bolster my reputation.

-Hey?

Bolster. It's a type of cushion.

THEY LAUGH

BOB CRIES

-They're firing me, Gary!

-Aww...

Hey, what...

Got it... Where's it gone?

Got it!

Oh! Ah!

Trust me, Henry, something shiny is the only way to distract them.

It's over there! Distract who?

Never mind.

So that's all we've got time for today.

And, in my case, forever.

I know I've seen that contract recently but I can't find it...

HENRY LAUGHS

Bye-bye, Bob.

I've been the indispensible Felicity Bond...

And, for the last time...

I've been...

and gone and remembered where I put the contract!

You wrote your contract on your tie?

No! I tattooed it on my body!

It's here somewhere, I just have to find it!

That's my pension. Hang on.

Is the "You can't fire me" clause on my back?

It's hard to read the small print through your back hair.

You get a parking space?!

Yes, but I don't normally drive,

because, well, the traffic's bumper to bum... Ah!

I remember where I put it!

-No!

-No, no, no, no!

All right, all right!

I'll take your word for it. You can stay.

What about the sack?

Keep it.

Yes! One sack up!

Say goodbye, Bob.

Goodbye, Bob!

So, where do you keep your contract, Felicity?

-In a filing cabinet.

-Where's that kept?

-In another filing cabinet.

-Where's that kept?

In a larger filing cabinet with a lock.

-Want to guess the code?

-Yes.

Is it one?

-No, it's four numbers.

-Is it two?

One day...

And I am not dull!