Episode 6 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Terry, have you got that photo of me making the live sign, then?

No? What do you mean "no", you moon-brained apeth?

I told you that I needed it for these leaflets for me litter operation.

Right, only one thing for it, then.

Selfie time!

Hey, look at that.

Eat your heart out, Ellen DeGeneres!

Hey, Phil, what are you doing?

Oh, hi, Jahmene. I'm taking some selfies for me litter leaflets.

Sweet. Hey, I'm great at selfies. Check this out.

Good one.

Nice, nice.

Very fetching.

Cheeky.

Hey, I've got an idea, Jahmene. A little something for Bob.

Phil? Jahmene? Terry? What's going on in here?

-Oh, cheese and crackers!

-Hey, boss man.

I was just printing my script for today's show.

Oh, here it is.

Man down.

Hello, and welcome to DNN.

I'm the super-pumped-for-the-World- Cup Felicity Bond.

And I'm the super-pumping Bob Roberts. This is a 1970s potato.

And these are today's headlines.

Scientists reveal dogs find Bambi just as sad as humans do.

Ride testing starts at the new theme park for goats.

And a parrot is upset after his owner forgets his birthday.

Don't touch me.

Can we watch it now, Felicity? Please! Can we, please? Please?

No, Bob, no. We're going to watch it later.

Yes, viewers, Bob is super excited today as coming up on the show

we have the first exclusive play of the official DNN World Cup Song.

Breaking news, Felicity,

we have the results of an exclusive DNN survey.

We asked our viewers if they would prefer to watch our World Cup song

now or later on the show.

Well, these are the results.

As you can see, Felicity,

100% of viewers think that we should show it RIGHT NOW!

Oh, further breaking news, Bob.

In a second poll, 100% of DNN viewers

think your survey was made-up and totally unconvincing.

Now, hang on, just whose side are you on?

Now, I'm hearing that we need to go to Phil Tyme who has

a report about an appalling trash problem.

Ah, yep, I bet it's Hulk Hogan.

You bet what is Hulk Hogan?

With the appalling tash problem.

He looks like a squirrel's moved in to his nose.

So, Phil, where are you this week?

Well, Felicity, I'm here in a local park

which is in a disgraceful state thanks to the scourge of litter

-and this lady here is Finn. Say hi, Finn.

-Hi!

Oh, hey, proper lovely that.

-Now Finn is a ukulele player and an activist.

-A ukulivist.

Ain't she fancy?

Now, Finn sent the people's champion,

yours truly, an e-mail last week, didn't you, Finn?

Yeah, so the litter around here is like a total disaster, Phil.

I wrote a song about it, it goes like this.

# Don't cry, Mother Earth

# Your tears are melting the ice caps

# Here's a hankie, Mother Earth... #

Bit of focus on me, please, Terry, yeah?

Oi! Thank you.

Now, I'm going to stop these local litter bugs with these,

my public information leaflets.

Now, if these beauties don't get the message across, I don't know what

will. So stay tuned for more on my anti-littering campaign live on DNN.

# Back to the studio... #

No, do the sign, Finn.

Flaming' Nora, Terry, don't encourage her.

We'll see you in a bit.

Now, I say that! That's my line. We'll see you in a bit. Ruined it.

Thanks, Phil.

We'll be back to see you hopefully swat those litter bugs later.

Time to go to the man who's more street than Corrie,

it's Jahmene Mann. What's on your mind this week, Jahmene?

Monsters, ghouls and ghosts, Felicity.

Ah!

Yes, Felicity with rampaging reptiles, spooky spectres

and creepy creatures all scaring up the silver screen this year,

it's pretty clear movie monsters are back in fashion.

Stand aside, Flicky, I ain't afraid of no ghost!

Sorry, Gramps, the '80s are on the line,

they want their film reference back.

Oh, that's a shame. I'm kind of using it...

-Should I speak to someone?

-Who you going to call, Bob?

Well, I don't know, Jahmene.

Anyway I thought that you lot out there could pull some

pretty scary faces, so let's meet the street.

Buckle up, people, because this week we're getting our scare on.

I want you to release your inner monsters, werewolves,

vampires, zombie PE teachers, normal PE teachers, ooh!

And the one that makes me cringe the most, clowns.

So, let's see if we can hunt down...

On your marks, get set, ghost!

-Rah!

-Rah!

-Rah!

-Hello, mate.

-Hello!

-Ah!

Rah!

I'll give that a thumbs up.

Ow!

I can hear something.

OK, I'm out of here.

But if there's one thing that I've learnt today, it's that

just when you think it's safe to go back onto the street, it's not!

Excuse me? Hi, do you fancy doing your scariest monster face?

Oh, no, although I could do something funny instead, would that be good?

OK.

She's going through her handbag.

I'd cut on this, I don't think we'll be able to use it.

Ah!

-Hello, I'm a clown.

-Get back, get back!

-No, it's just a mask, see?

-Clown attack! Man down.

-It's funny.

-Man down!

-Clowns are funny.

Eugh, I hate clowns.

Jahmene runs from a clown!

Not so cool and hip now, are you?

Ah! Mummy! Take it off.

Ah! Oh, put it back on!

Showbiz news now so it's time to welcome

Little Miss Motor Mouth herself, Kelly Fornia.

What's all the hot goss today, Kelly?

Thanks, Flickster. Hi there, Bobster.

Well, yes, it's been an amazing few days, hasn't it?

First of all I went to Old Trafford this week to watch Soccer Aid

which was ace and totally charitytastic.

I met Robbie Williams, who is totally in my top three

-Williamses...

-Kelly.

-..who invited me to his gig in Manchester,

but only if I went on a date with his best mate Jonathan Wilkes

so I said, "No. Thank. You." And then, later...

OK, Kelly, as ever it sounds like a...fun week.

What about this week's showbiz headlines?

Oh, totally, Felicity, I love showbiz headlines.

So the new low-budget remake of Ice Age looks disappointing.

On Wizards Vs Aliens, Gran has one tangerine too many.

I'm sorry, I wish I could stay.

And Renfield off Young Dracula isn't happy with his new specs.

But my most super amazing,

su-mazing,

news of the week was...

Everybody stop. Right now.

Apparently, we have to cut the telly short because of an

elusive...winter...bull... from bra...hill.

No, Bob, Henry says we've got to cut Kelly short

because we've got an exclusive interview from Brazil.

Oh, I do wish Henry would learn basic diction.

Yes, sorry, Kelly.

Apparently, we have a live satellite link to England's World Cup

training camp where coach Brian Briggs is waiting to talk to us.

Oh, that's amazing!

I love England football coaches. Please can I stay and watch?

I guess so.

Brian Briggs, thanks so much for joining us here on DNN.

How are you all coping with the scorching temperatures in Brazil?

Right, I can't hear anything.

Sorry, viewers, there seems to be a few seconds' delay on the

satellite feed at Brian's end.

Let's try again, Brian.

What is Roy Hodgson's biggest worry right now?

Er, water, Felicity. Lots of water.

Ah, yes. I don't like bath time either.

And what are the team most looking forward to?

Oh, injuries, I think.

Bit weird.

OK, you two. It seems there's a one answer delay.

You need to wait for him to catch up with you.

Hi, Brian, I'm dying to know what music the guys listen

to on the team coach?

Well, bringing home the cup.

Bringing Home The Cup? Never heard of that one.

Brian, is there anyone the England team are worried about facing?

It's Jedward, actually.

Hang on, I thought Ireland didn't qualify.

-Bob, you're not letting him catch up with...

-Shush, Henry!

Now, for the viewers at home, Brian,

just remind us where the tournament's taking place.

Oh, Spain, Felicity.

Right, I am NOT Felicity and it is NOT in Spain.

Next you'll be telling me the Eiffel Tower's in Italy or something.

It's in Brazil, obviously.

I have never been so confused.

Wait for him to catch up with you, Bob!

Please, will you go away? I can't stand all this rabbiting on.

Well, Brian, good luck from everyone at DNN, we know England can do it!

Fine, I'll go! I've never been so insulted.

Well, he can't take a compliment, can he, Felicity?

Oh. Thank you very much.

My mistake.

Well, make of that what you will.

I think my brain just broke.

Health news now and a spa in Indonesia recently hit the headlines

with their idea for a rather scaled back treatment, a snake massage!

To look into this trend of extreme relaxation techniques,

here's the cold-blooded Nellie Osmond for this special report.

I've come along to the Clutching At Straws Wellness Centre

to find out what weird and wonderful treatments they have to offer

and with me now is the manager Uri Uhuri.

Oh, Nellie, I'm sensing a lot of tension in your voice

so why don't we try some whale song?

WHALE SONGS STARTS TO PLAY

No.

So, Uri, say I wanted to relax because I was say weak-minded

or lazy, what actual treatments would you recommend?

Well, this is our patented wobble therapy.

It increases positivity.

-Oh, it's rubbish this.

-Well, that doesn't work.

It does, you should have heard him before.

Stop prodding me. Stop prodding me.

Our healing hands are wonderful for releasing pent-up anger.

That's right, let it all out.

Stop prodding me!

And the walkies massage is designed to make you less muddy.

Well, this is brilliant.

We're still beta testing that one.

So, viewers, I've begrudgingly agreed to a massage

because I'm a professional,

but all this new-fangled stuff seems ridiculous to me.

-Can't you do something simple?

-We could do a foot massage.

Foot massage, fine but I'm not taking my shoes off.

You won't be needing to.

You won't find this treatment anywhere else.

I'm not even remotely surprised.

So there you have it, it seems the untested therapies and ludicrous

treatments offered by spas like this one continue to grow in popularity.

This is Nellie Osmond trying to keep my lunch down for DNN.

Back to the studio.

Thanks, Nellie. Gross.

Tell me, Felicity, how do you like to relax?

Well, Bob, I do yoga on Mondays, pilates is Wednesdays

and ultra-kicky Malaysian boxing on Thursdays.

It really helps me to cope with...

BOB FARTS

..things.

Well, maybe you should try the new Bob's Relaxation CD.

Maybe I should not.

The simple to follow steps on the CD will leave you calm,

collected and able to deal with any stressful situation.

Oh, come on, open!

SHOUTING: Darn it! This is unbearable. Just open!

Why are you doing this to me?! Why today?!

Well, if that doesn't get it flying off the shelves,

Bob, I don't know what will.

It's time for us to take a break now.

But don't go away because I've counted every single one of you.

And we're clear.

Hey, Henry. When are we showing the World Cup song video?

It's very exciting, isn't it? The DNN team launching their pop career.

Look, I know you all enjoyed making the video, but only an idiot

would think it was going to turn you all into global megastars.

OK, how about we offer to buy three of the West Indies

for the price of two?

Is it me or is there something different about Gary?

OK. Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

And the Ferraris? Right, let's do it. Laters, Tarquin.

-Gary...

-Oh, it's G-Dog now, Felicity.

Or Capital-G. Or Snoop Oggy. I haven't decided yet.

OK, who were you on the phone with?

Oh, that was Tarquin, he's my new agent.

He's been recommended to help handle my new pop star career

by my close personal friends the Beckhams.

Really? David and Victoria?

Yep. Them, too.

Gary, I really don't think that releasing the video

is going to make you...

I am so uber-excited about being number one in the charts

and about being mega-famous!

Do you think we'll have to share a personal assistant, stylist

and make-up artist or do you think we'll get our own ones?

OK, listen up, everyone.

We are not becoming pop stars.

There will be no stylists. There will be no red carpets.

Let's just concentrate on finishing today's show if at all possible.

-Back on in 10...

-I am so getting a chocolate fountain

in my dressing room when we go on tour.

Do you think we'll get to go on Friday Download?

Hey, Tarquin. How much to buy a pet elephant?

Welcome back to DNN and I can hardly contain myself!

You should have gone earlier, Bob.

Good one, Felicity.

No, I mean the World Cup Finals are upon us

and the excitement here at DNN is at fever pitch.

So, for our big DNN England exclusive,

it's time to cross to Gary "G-Dodgy-Dog" Ogden.

-Give me an E!

-E!

-Give me an N!

-N!

Give me a G!

-England. It's going to spell England.

-Yep.

Welcome to the Sports Locker.

Here are today's headlines...

He's changed. I like the old one better.

Wall-E proves hard to beat at the intergalactic table tennis cup.

A cyclist hits an invisible hedge.

And Luke Skywalker is disqualified

from a pool final for using the Force.

So, when you think of the World Cup, which classic moment comes to mind?

Oh, England winning in 1966.

The USA reaching the quarterfinals in 2002.

That's right, World Cup songs!

So, to carry on the proud tradition of World In Motion, Vindaloo

and my close personal favourite

Holland Graat Arn Korp, I think that was for Holland.

Here's the world premiere of the official DNN World Cup song.

# Since I was a little boy, I've had this foolish dream

# Where I'm playing in the World Cup and I'm on the winning team

# Well, my dreaming days are over cos they've gone and called me up

# So, Oggy's off to Rio where he's going to lift the cup

-# Samba time!

-Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014, Rio 2014!

# And Oggy's up the team

# Rio 2014, Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Just hear the fans all scream... #

What are you wearing, Gary?

-This is my old football kit.

-You look ridiculous.

# So, it's goodbye DNN, I'm getting on a plane

# To fly off to the sunshine, to play the beautiful game... #

-So Gary, how do you win at football?

-Oh, Bob, it's easy!

# All you do is kick the ball, don't forget to kick the ball

# You're not allowed to touch the ball

# Oh, my word, he touched the ball! #

-He's the goalie, Gary man!

-Yep, yep, I knew that.

# Ogden's on the pitch

# He's tearing up the grass

# He's right inside the box now

# And he's waiting for the pass

# Gerrard kicks to Rooney

# The action's end-to-end

# Rooney kicks to Odgen

# He's my close, personal friend... #

180!

And the crowd goes wild!

# Samba time!

# This is not professional

# It's the messing about I hate

# In any case I'm from Scotland, we haven't qualified since '98

-# Samba time!

-Rio 2014

# Rio 2014

# Rio 2014

# Just watch that trophy gleam

# It's Oggy's greatest dream, I'm the cat who's got the cream

# Samba time! #

Rio 2014! Rio 2014!

-What's happening?

-You missed it, mate.

Aw, jeezo maracas. Terry, that were your fault, that!

It really is great news that you've been called up.

I had no idea you'd come out of retirement.

When are you flying out?

Oh, no. No, I'm not in the squad. What made you think that?

The song. It's all about you playing in the final.

-For England.

-Yeah.

-In Rio.

-Why else did we record it?

-Well, did you have fun?

-Yes.

-Did you like the costumes?

-Obviously.

Then it's my pleasure. Anyway, that's your World Cup sport.

Come on, England!

# Rio 2014! Rio 2014 and Oggy's up the team... #

Yep. Well, we'll have more sport next time. Thanks, Gary.

My pleasure!

Away from the football, it's time to get the latest travel news

from Beatrice Rhodes who joins us in the studio.

Bea, shouldn't you be outside?

Absolutely not. Have you seen it out there? Cars everywhere.

It's terrifying.

I've come in here where it's nice and safe.

CAR TYRES SCREECH

Sorry, just trying out some new ringtones.

-SHEEP BLEATS

-Ah! Sheep!

-Yeah, that was me again.

Any chance of some traffic news?

The roads are particularly alarming today.

In what way, Bea?

Well, haven't you seen the warning signs? They're everywhere!

Look! Flying motorbikes! That could hurt someone!

And what about this?

There are actually cars on the roads with snakes coming out of them.

Here's a man actually digging a grave in broad daylight.

How scary is that?!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

-Bob!

-Oh, I'm only channel hopping, Flicky.

Bea, what are you doing?

This is the first time I've seen you in the studio

and I don't like it. This way I can see you on my television.

My small, finger-shaped television.

And breathe in and breathe out.

And breathe in...

Bea Rhodes there. Unconscious and in the wrong job.

And now, it's time to go over to our weather girl.

And now it's time to go over to our weather map!

The unstoppable Davina Wave.

The unstoppable Da-Mappy Map!

Howay! This week I'm going to be setting a sporty record, like.

A-ha! Getting in on the big footy action?

That's right, Gary man!

In honour of the World Cup and... # Alan Shearer! #

I'm going to be setting the record for...

Mappy's in goal and you're blindfolded? You might hit him.

He'll be fine, Bob man.

Get ready, Davina, in three, two, one!

Howay!

First off, they'll be....

Showers in Bath? That's canny posh, like.

Careful, Mappy! Protect your lovely green everything.

Next up it's time for the weather in London.

Where it's going to be wetter

than a wet wipe in a wet-look wet suit

on a wet weekend in the wetlands.

It's going to be wetter than...

Oh, you get the idea, it's going to be proper wet-like.

-That's it. I'm going to save Mappy.

-Bob!

Unlike the glorious nation of...

Newcastle, even when it's raining

the sun always shines in the heart of every Geordie.

Come and have a go, the weather!

Don't worry, Mappy! I'll save you. Oof!

I'm fine, I'm fine.

-How did I do, like?

-You scored an impressive nine goals.

Canny! That's another record for me and Map, huh!

Well done, Davina.

Ooh, I can feel that in me tum-tum.

Sorry to interrupt, Felicity,

but breaking news from the Sports Locker,

a major football club has seen Davina in action

and wants to offer her a contract of £300,000 a week!

Get in! Who's it with, like?

West Ham United...in London.

I'll see yous back here same time next week.

From the sublime to the ridiculous now as we head back to Phil Tyme

on his litterbug operation which all sounds a bit "rubbish" to me.

Have some respect, Felicity, please.

Phil may not be the most successful of investigative journalists

but he's a trier.

No, that's not what I... Forget it.

Phil, how's your clean-up going?

Hello, Felicity! And as you can see, I've been busy!

Phil, what on earth's happened?

Excuse me, Felicity. Come on, Terry, look at this.

Another litter lout, duty calls. Hey, you, there!

Yes, you, I'm Phil Tyme, the people's champion and I want

to know why you think it's all right to cover this park in your muck.

Oh, well, er, sorry, I'll pick it up, sorry.

Not before you've taken these, there you go.

"Don't litter." "Just say no to littering."

"Is there more to life than litter?"

"You are litter-ally disgusting." That's clever.

-"The litter drummer boy..."

-Oi!

-Ooh, who's this?

-You with the leaflets.

I've been looking for you all day. I've got something for you.

Now, now, Mr Parky, I assure you, I don't need a reward.

-Oh, what's this?

-That is a £500 fine for littering.

-You what?

I'm saving the Earth here!

Well, if want to save the Earth you can start by clearing up

-this mess you've made.

-Oh, cheese and crackers, my leaflets!

Just dropping them on the floor, that's disrespectful, that.

That took me ages, them. This is Phil Tyme for DNN.

Take them back, Terry, take them back. Give me these.

Phil Tyme there, with a pretty rubbish story.

LAUGHTER

Yes, yes, yes! Please, more of that.

All right, Steve!

Unbelievable.

Sorry, Flicky, but it's all in the timing.

Well, I'm afraid that's we've got time for today...

Yep, right but before we go, Felicity,

I've just checked how many views our World Cup song has online.

Three million. Gary, We're a hit!

What? Brilliant, high-five!

That's great, but there's another World Cup song

-that's got three and a half million.

-Really?

-What song could possibly have more hits than us?

-This one.

# Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

# Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

# La, la, la, la... #

LAUGHTER

-Yes, yes, yes!

-That is incredible.

And it doesn't even have proper words so anyone can sing along.

-Genius.

-It's like I've always said,

if you're going to get beaten by anyone, get beaten by a singing cat.

Brilliant!

Well, that really is all we've got time for.

Yes, so good luck to England.

And to the United States. I've been the patriotic Felicity Bond...

And I've...

just realised how to get even more views for our World Cup song.

-Say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob.

DNN made this World Cup video, what happened next will amaze you!

-Nothing happened next.

-Yes, but by the time they find that out,

they'll already have watched it. Zing!

Tarquin? It's G-Dog.

Three million hits. Yes, three million.

Can I now afford an elephant?

Nine tickets to Brazil, please.

No, one-way.