Episode 6 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Terry, have you got that photo of me making the live sign, then?

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No? What do you mean "no", you moon-brained apeth?

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I told you that I needed it for these leaflets for me litter operation.

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Right, only one thing for it, then.

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Selfie time!

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Hey, look at that.

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Eat your heart out, Ellen DeGeneres!

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Hey, Phil, what are you doing?

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Oh, hi, Jahmene. I'm taking some selfies for me litter leaflets.

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Sweet. Hey, I'm great at selfies. Check this out.

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Good one.

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Nice, nice.

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Very fetching.

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Cheeky.

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Hey, I've got an idea, Jahmene. A little something for Bob.

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Phil? Jahmene? Terry? What's going on in here?

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-Oh, cheese and crackers!

-Hey, boss man.

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I was just printing my script for today's show.

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Oh, here it is.

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Man down.

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Hello, and welcome to DNN.

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I'm the super-pumped-for-the-World- Cup Felicity Bond.

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And I'm the super-pumping Bob Roberts. This is a 1970s potato.

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And these are today's headlines.

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Scientists reveal dogs find Bambi just as sad as humans do.

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Ride testing starts at the new theme park for goats.

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And a parrot is upset after his owner forgets his birthday.

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Don't touch me.

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Can we watch it now, Felicity? Please! Can we, please? Please?

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No, Bob, no. We're going to watch it later.

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Yes, viewers, Bob is super excited today as coming up on the show

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we have the first exclusive play of the official DNN World Cup Song.

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Breaking news, Felicity,

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we have the results of an exclusive DNN survey.

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We asked our viewers if they would prefer to watch our World Cup song

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now or later on the show.

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Well, these are the results.

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As you can see, Felicity,

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100% of viewers think that we should show it RIGHT NOW!

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Oh, further breaking news, Bob.

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In a second poll, 100% of DNN viewers

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think your survey was made-up and totally unconvincing.

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Now, hang on, just whose side are you on?

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Now, I'm hearing that we need to go to Phil Tyme who has

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a report about an appalling trash problem.

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Ah, yep, I bet it's Hulk Hogan.

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You bet what is Hulk Hogan?

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With the appalling tash problem.

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He looks like a squirrel's moved in to his nose.

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So, Phil, where are you this week?

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Well, Felicity, I'm here in a local park

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which is in a disgraceful state thanks to the scourge of litter

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-and this lady here is Finn. Say hi, Finn.

-Hi!

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Oh, hey, proper lovely that.

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-Now Finn is a ukulele player and an activist.

-A ukulivist.

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Ain't she fancy?

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Now, Finn sent the people's champion,

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yours truly, an e-mail last week, didn't you, Finn?

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Yeah, so the litter around here is like a total disaster, Phil.

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I wrote a song about it, it goes like this.

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# Don't cry, Mother Earth

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# Your tears are melting the ice caps

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# Here's a hankie, Mother Earth... #

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Bit of focus on me, please, Terry, yeah?

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Oi! Thank you.

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Now, I'm going to stop these local litter bugs with these,

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my public information leaflets.

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Now, if these beauties don't get the message across, I don't know what

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will. So stay tuned for more on my anti-littering campaign live on DNN.

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# Back to the studio... #

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No, do the sign, Finn.

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Flaming' Nora, Terry, don't encourage her.

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We'll see you in a bit.

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Now, I say that! That's my line. We'll see you in a bit. Ruined it.

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Thanks, Phil.

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We'll be back to see you hopefully swat those litter bugs later.

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Time to go to the man who's more street than Corrie,

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it's Jahmene Mann. What's on your mind this week, Jahmene?

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Monsters, ghouls and ghosts, Felicity.

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Ah!

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Yes, Felicity with rampaging reptiles, spooky spectres

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and creepy creatures all scaring up the silver screen this year,

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it's pretty clear movie monsters are back in fashion.

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Stand aside, Flicky, I ain't afraid of no ghost!

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Sorry, Gramps, the '80s are on the line,

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they want their film reference back.

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Oh, that's a shame. I'm kind of using it...

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-Should I speak to someone?

-Who you going to call, Bob?

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Well, I don't know, Jahmene.

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Anyway I thought that you lot out there could pull some

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pretty scary faces, so let's meet the street.

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Buckle up, people, because this week we're getting our scare on.

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I want you to release your inner monsters, werewolves,

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vampires, zombie PE teachers, normal PE teachers, ooh!

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And the one that makes me cringe the most, clowns.

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So, let's see if we can hunt down...

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On your marks, get set, ghost!

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-Rah!

-Rah!

-Rah!

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-Hello, mate.

-Hello!

-Ah!

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Rah!

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I'll give that a thumbs up.

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Ow!

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I can hear something.

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OK, I'm out of here.

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But if there's one thing that I've learnt today, it's that

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just when you think it's safe to go back onto the street, it's not!

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Excuse me? Hi, do you fancy doing your scariest monster face?

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Oh, no, although I could do something funny instead, would that be good?

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OK.

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She's going through her handbag.

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I'd cut on this, I don't think we'll be able to use it.

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Ah!

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-Hello, I'm a clown.

-Get back, get back!

-No, it's just a mask, see?

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-Clown attack! Man down.

-It's funny.

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-Man down!

-Clowns are funny.

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Eugh, I hate clowns.

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Jahmene runs from a clown!

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Not so cool and hip now, are you?

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Ah! Mummy! Take it off.

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Ah! Oh, put it back on!

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Showbiz news now so it's time to welcome

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Little Miss Motor Mouth herself, Kelly Fornia.

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What's all the hot goss today, Kelly?

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Thanks, Flickster. Hi there, Bobster.

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Well, yes, it's been an amazing few days, hasn't it?

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First of all I went to Old Trafford this week to watch Soccer Aid

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which was ace and totally charitytastic.

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I met Robbie Williams, who is totally in my top three

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-Williamses...

-Kelly.

-..who invited me to his gig in Manchester,

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but only if I went on a date with his best mate Jonathan Wilkes

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so I said, "No. Thank. You." And then, later...

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OK, Kelly, as ever it sounds like a...fun week.

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What about this week's showbiz headlines?

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Oh, totally, Felicity, I love showbiz headlines.

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So the new low-budget remake of Ice Age looks disappointing.

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On Wizards Vs Aliens, Gran has one tangerine too many.

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I'm sorry, I wish I could stay.

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And Renfield off Young Dracula isn't happy with his new specs.

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But my most super amazing,

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su-mazing,

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news of the week was...

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Everybody stop. Right now.

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Apparently, we have to cut the telly short because of an

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elusive...winter...bull... from bra...hill.

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No, Bob, Henry says we've got to cut Kelly short

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because we've got an exclusive interview from Brazil.

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Oh, I do wish Henry would learn basic diction.

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Yes, sorry, Kelly.

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Apparently, we have a live satellite link to England's World Cup

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training camp where coach Brian Briggs is waiting to talk to us.

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Oh, that's amazing!

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I love England football coaches. Please can I stay and watch?

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I guess so.

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Brian Briggs, thanks so much for joining us here on DNN.

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How are you all coping with the scorching temperatures in Brazil?

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Right, I can't hear anything.

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Sorry, viewers, there seems to be a few seconds' delay on the

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satellite feed at Brian's end.

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Let's try again, Brian.

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What is Roy Hodgson's biggest worry right now?

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Er, water, Felicity. Lots of water.

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Ah, yes. I don't like bath time either.

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And what are the team most looking forward to?

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Oh, injuries, I think.

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Bit weird.

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OK, you two. It seems there's a one answer delay.

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You need to wait for him to catch up with you.

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Hi, Brian, I'm dying to know what music the guys listen

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to on the team coach?

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Well, bringing home the cup.

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Bringing Home The Cup? Never heard of that one.

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Brian, is there anyone the England team are worried about facing?

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It's Jedward, actually.

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Hang on, I thought Ireland didn't qualify.

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-Bob, you're not letting him catch up with...

-Shush, Henry!

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Now, for the viewers at home, Brian,

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just remind us where the tournament's taking place.

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Oh, Spain, Felicity.

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Right, I am NOT Felicity and it is NOT in Spain.

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Next you'll be telling me the Eiffel Tower's in Italy or something.

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It's in Brazil, obviously.

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I have never been so confused.

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Wait for him to catch up with you, Bob!

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Please, will you go away? I can't stand all this rabbiting on.

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Well, Brian, good luck from everyone at DNN, we know England can do it!

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Fine, I'll go! I've never been so insulted.

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Well, he can't take a compliment, can he, Felicity?

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Oh. Thank you very much.

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My mistake.

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Well, make of that what you will.

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I think my brain just broke.

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Health news now and a spa in Indonesia recently hit the headlines

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with their idea for a rather scaled back treatment, a snake massage!

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To look into this trend of extreme relaxation techniques,

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here's the cold-blooded Nellie Osmond for this special report.

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I've come along to the Clutching At Straws Wellness Centre

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to find out what weird and wonderful treatments they have to offer

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and with me now is the manager Uri Uhuri.

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Oh, Nellie, I'm sensing a lot of tension in your voice

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so why don't we try some whale song?

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WHALE SONGS STARTS TO PLAY

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No.

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So, Uri, say I wanted to relax because I was say weak-minded

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or lazy, what actual treatments would you recommend?

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Well, this is our patented wobble therapy.

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It increases positivity.

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-Oh, it's rubbish this.

-Well, that doesn't work.

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It does, you should have heard him before.

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Stop prodding me. Stop prodding me.

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Our healing hands are wonderful for releasing pent-up anger.

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That's right, let it all out.

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Stop prodding me!

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And the walkies massage is designed to make you less muddy.

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Well, this is brilliant.

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We're still beta testing that one.

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So, viewers, I've begrudgingly agreed to a massage

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because I'm a professional,

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but all this new-fangled stuff seems ridiculous to me.

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-Can't you do something simple?

-We could do a foot massage.

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Foot massage, fine but I'm not taking my shoes off.

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You won't be needing to.

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You won't find this treatment anywhere else.

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I'm not even remotely surprised.

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So there you have it, it seems the untested therapies and ludicrous

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treatments offered by spas like this one continue to grow in popularity.

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This is Nellie Osmond trying to keep my lunch down for DNN.

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Back to the studio.

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Thanks, Nellie. Gross.

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Tell me, Felicity, how do you like to relax?

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Well, Bob, I do yoga on Mondays, pilates is Wednesdays

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and ultra-kicky Malaysian boxing on Thursdays.

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It really helps me to cope with...

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BOB FARTS

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..things.

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Well, maybe you should try the new Bob's Relaxation CD.

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Maybe I should not.

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The simple to follow steps on the CD will leave you calm,

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collected and able to deal with any stressful situation.

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Oh, come on, open!

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SHOUTING: Darn it! This is unbearable. Just open!

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Why are you doing this to me?! Why today?!

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Well, if that doesn't get it flying off the shelves,

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Bob, I don't know what will.

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It's time for us to take a break now.

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But don't go away because I've counted every single one of you.

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And we're clear.

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Hey, Henry. When are we showing the World Cup song video?

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It's very exciting, isn't it? The DNN team launching their pop career.

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Look, I know you all enjoyed making the video, but only an idiot

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would think it was going to turn you all into global megastars.

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OK, how about we offer to buy three of the West Indies

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for the price of two?

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Is it me or is there something different about Gary?

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OK. Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

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And the Ferraris? Right, let's do it. Laters, Tarquin.

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-Gary...

-Oh, it's G-Dog now, Felicity.

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Or Capital-G. Or Snoop Oggy. I haven't decided yet.

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OK, who were you on the phone with?

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Oh, that was Tarquin, he's my new agent.

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He's been recommended to help handle my new pop star career

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by my close personal friends the Beckhams.

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Really? David and Victoria?

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Yep. Them, too.

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Gary, I really don't think that releasing the video

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is going to make you...

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I am so uber-excited about being number one in the charts

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and about being mega-famous!

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Do you think we'll have to share a personal assistant, stylist

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and make-up artist or do you think we'll get our own ones?

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OK, listen up, everyone.

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We are not becoming pop stars.

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There will be no stylists. There will be no red carpets.

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Let's just concentrate on finishing today's show if at all possible.

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-Back on in 10...

-I am so getting a chocolate fountain

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in my dressing room when we go on tour.

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Do you think we'll get to go on Friday Download?

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Hey, Tarquin. How much to buy a pet elephant?

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Welcome back to DNN and I can hardly contain myself!

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You should have gone earlier, Bob.

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Good one, Felicity.

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No, I mean the World Cup Finals are upon us

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and the excitement here at DNN is at fever pitch.

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So, for our big DNN England exclusive,

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it's time to cross to Gary "G-Dodgy-Dog" Ogden.

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-Give me an E!

-E!

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-Give me an N!

-N!

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Give me a G!

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-England. It's going to spell England.

-Yep.

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Welcome to the Sports Locker.

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Here are today's headlines...

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He's changed. I like the old one better.

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Wall-E proves hard to beat at the intergalactic table tennis cup.

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A cyclist hits an invisible hedge.

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And Luke Skywalker is disqualified

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from a pool final for using the Force.

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So, when you think of the World Cup, which classic moment comes to mind?

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Oh, England winning in 1966.

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The USA reaching the quarterfinals in 2002.

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That's right, World Cup songs!

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So, to carry on the proud tradition of World In Motion, Vindaloo

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and my close personal favourite

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Holland Graat Arn Korp, I think that was for Holland.

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Here's the world premiere of the official DNN World Cup song.

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# Since I was a little boy, I've had this foolish dream

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# Where I'm playing in the World Cup and I'm on the winning team

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# Well, my dreaming days are over cos they've gone and called me up

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# So, Oggy's off to Rio where he's going to lift the cup

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-# Samba time!

-Rio 2014!

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# Rio 2014, Rio 2014!

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# And Oggy's up the team

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# Rio 2014, Rio 2014!

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# Rio 2014!

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# Just hear the fans all scream... #

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What are you wearing, Gary?

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-This is my old football kit.

-You look ridiculous.

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# So, it's goodbye DNN, I'm getting on a plane

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# To fly off to the sunshine, to play the beautiful game... #

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-So Gary, how do you win at football?

-Oh, Bob, it's easy!

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# All you do is kick the ball, don't forget to kick the ball

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# You're not allowed to touch the ball

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# Oh, my word, he touched the ball! #

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-He's the goalie, Gary man!

-Yep, yep, I knew that.

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# Ogden's on the pitch

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# He's tearing up the grass

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# He's right inside the box now

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# And he's waiting for the pass

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# Gerrard kicks to Rooney

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# The action's end-to-end

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# Rooney kicks to Odgen

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# He's my close, personal friend... #

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180!

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And the crowd goes wild!

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# Samba time!

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# This is not professional

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# It's the messing about I hate

0:16:450:16:47

# In any case I'm from Scotland, we haven't qualified since '98

0:16:470:16:50

-# Samba time!

-Rio 2014

0:16:500:16:53

# Rio 2014

0:16:530:16:55

# Rio 2014

0:16:550:16:56

# Just watch that trophy gleam

0:16:560:16:58

# It's Oggy's greatest dream, I'm the cat who's got the cream

0:16:580:17:03

# Samba time! #

0:17:030:17:05

Rio 2014! Rio 2014!

0:17:050:17:09

-What's happening?

-You missed it, mate.

0:17:090:17:12

Aw, jeezo maracas. Terry, that were your fault, that!

0:17:120:17:17

It really is great news that you've been called up.

0:17:190:17:21

I had no idea you'd come out of retirement.

0:17:210:17:23

When are you flying out?

0:17:230:17:24

Oh, no. No, I'm not in the squad. What made you think that?

0:17:240:17:27

The song. It's all about you playing in the final.

0:17:270:17:30

-For England.

-Yeah.

-In Rio.

0:17:300:17:32

-Why else did we record it?

-Well, did you have fun?

-Yes.

0:17:320:17:35

-Did you like the costumes?

-Obviously.

0:17:350:17:38

Then it's my pleasure. Anyway, that's your World Cup sport.

0:17:380:17:41

Come on, England!

0:17:410:17:43

# Rio 2014! Rio 2014 and Oggy's up the team... #

0:17:430:17:47

Yep. Well, we'll have more sport next time. Thanks, Gary.

0:17:470:17:50

My pleasure!

0:17:500:17:51

Away from the football, it's time to get the latest travel news

0:17:570:18:00

from Beatrice Rhodes who joins us in the studio.

0:18:000:18:04

Bea, shouldn't you be outside?

0:18:040:18:06

Absolutely not. Have you seen it out there? Cars everywhere.

0:18:060:18:10

It's terrifying.

0:18:100:18:11

I've come in here where it's nice and safe.

0:18:110:18:13

CAR TYRES SCREECH

0:18:130:18:15

Sorry, just trying out some new ringtones.

0:18:150:18:18

-SHEEP BLEATS

-Ah! Sheep!

-Yeah, that was me again.

0:18:180:18:20

Any chance of some traffic news?

0:18:200:18:22

The roads are particularly alarming today.

0:18:220:18:25

In what way, Bea?

0:18:250:18:26

Well, haven't you seen the warning signs? They're everywhere!

0:18:260:18:29

Look! Flying motorbikes! That could hurt someone!

0:18:290:18:33

And what about this?

0:18:330:18:35

There are actually cars on the roads with snakes coming out of them.

0:18:350:18:38

Here's a man actually digging a grave in broad daylight.

0:18:380:18:42

How scary is that?!

0:18:420:18:44

SHE SCREAMS

0:18:440:18:45

SHE SCREAMS

0:18:450:18:47

SHE SCREAMS

0:18:470:18:48

-Bob!

-Oh, I'm only channel hopping, Flicky.

0:18:480:18:52

Bea, what are you doing?

0:18:520:18:54

This is the first time I've seen you in the studio

0:18:540:18:57

and I don't like it. This way I can see you on my television.

0:18:570:19:00

My small, finger-shaped television.

0:19:000:19:03

And breathe in and breathe out.

0:19:040:19:07

And breathe in...

0:19:070:19:09

Bea Rhodes there. Unconscious and in the wrong job.

0:19:110:19:15

And now, it's time to go over to our weather girl.

0:19:180:19:20

And now it's time to go over to our weather map!

0:19:200:19:23

The unstoppable Davina Wave.

0:19:230:19:24

The unstoppable Da-Mappy Map!

0:19:240:19:26

Howay! This week I'm going to be setting a sporty record, like.

0:19:260:19:30

A-ha! Getting in on the big footy action?

0:19:300:19:33

That's right, Gary man!

0:19:330:19:34

In honour of the World Cup and... # Alan Shearer! #

0:19:340:19:39

I'm going to be setting the record for...

0:19:390:19:41

Mappy's in goal and you're blindfolded? You might hit him.

0:19:470:19:50

He'll be fine, Bob man.

0:19:500:19:52

Get ready, Davina, in three, two, one!

0:19:520:19:55

Howay!

0:19:550:19:57

First off, they'll be....

0:19:570:19:58

Showers in Bath? That's canny posh, like.

0:20:000:20:03

Careful, Mappy! Protect your lovely green everything.

0:20:030:20:06

Next up it's time for the weather in London.

0:20:060:20:08

Where it's going to be wetter

0:20:090:20:11

than a wet wipe in a wet-look wet suit

0:20:110:20:13

on a wet weekend in the wetlands.

0:20:130:20:16

It's going to be wetter than...

0:20:160:20:17

Oh, you get the idea, it's going to be proper wet-like.

0:20:170:20:20

-That's it. I'm going to save Mappy.

-Bob!

0:20:200:20:24

Unlike the glorious nation of...

0:20:240:20:26

Newcastle, even when it's raining

0:20:290:20:32

the sun always shines in the heart of every Geordie.

0:20:320:20:35

Come and have a go, the weather!

0:20:350:20:37

Don't worry, Mappy! I'll save you. Oof!

0:20:390:20:41

I'm fine, I'm fine.

0:20:410:20:43

-How did I do, like?

-You scored an impressive nine goals.

0:20:430:20:48

Canny! That's another record for me and Map, huh!

0:20:480:20:51

Well done, Davina.

0:20:510:20:52

Ooh, I can feel that in me tum-tum.

0:20:520:20:54

Sorry to interrupt, Felicity,

0:20:540:20:55

but breaking news from the Sports Locker,

0:20:550:20:57

a major football club has seen Davina in action

0:20:570:20:59

and wants to offer her a contract of £300,000 a week!

0:20:590:21:03

Get in! Who's it with, like?

0:21:030:21:05

West Ham United...in London.

0:21:050:21:08

I'll see yous back here same time next week.

0:21:080:21:10

From the sublime to the ridiculous now as we head back to Phil Tyme

0:21:150:21:19

on his litterbug operation which all sounds a bit "rubbish" to me.

0:21:190:21:23

Have some respect, Felicity, please.

0:21:230:21:26

Phil may not be the most successful of investigative journalists

0:21:260:21:29

but he's a trier.

0:21:290:21:31

No, that's not what I... Forget it.

0:21:310:21:33

Phil, how's your clean-up going?

0:21:330:21:35

Hello, Felicity! And as you can see, I've been busy!

0:21:350:21:39

Phil, what on earth's happened?

0:21:390:21:41

Excuse me, Felicity. Come on, Terry, look at this.

0:21:410:21:43

Another litter lout, duty calls. Hey, you, there!

0:21:430:21:47

Yes, you, I'm Phil Tyme, the people's champion and I want

0:21:470:21:50

to know why you think it's all right to cover this park in your muck.

0:21:500:21:53

Oh, well, er, sorry, I'll pick it up, sorry.

0:21:530:21:56

Not before you've taken these, there you go.

0:21:560:21:59

"Don't litter." "Just say no to littering."

0:21:590:22:01

"Is there more to life than litter?"

0:22:010:22:03

"You are litter-ally disgusting." That's clever.

0:22:030:22:06

-"The litter drummer boy..."

-Oi!

0:22:060:22:08

-Ooh, who's this?

-You with the leaflets.

0:22:080:22:10

I've been looking for you all day. I've got something for you.

0:22:100:22:12

Now, now, Mr Parky, I assure you, I don't need a reward.

0:22:120:22:15

-Oh, what's this?

-That is a £500 fine for littering.

-You what?

0:22:150:22:19

I'm saving the Earth here!

0:22:190:22:20

Well, if want to save the Earth you can start by clearing up

0:22:200:22:23

-this mess you've made.

-Oh, cheese and crackers, my leaflets!

0:22:230:22:28

Just dropping them on the floor, that's disrespectful, that.

0:22:280:22:31

That took me ages, them. This is Phil Tyme for DNN.

0:22:310:22:34

Take them back, Terry, take them back. Give me these.

0:22:340:22:38

Phil Tyme there, with a pretty rubbish story.

0:22:380:22:41

LAUGHTER

0:22:410:22:43

Yes, yes, yes! Please, more of that.

0:22:430:22:45

All right, Steve!

0:22:450:22:47

Unbelievable.

0:22:490:22:51

Sorry, Flicky, but it's all in the timing.

0:22:510:22:54

Well, I'm afraid that's we've got time for today...

0:22:540:22:57

Yep, right but before we go, Felicity,

0:22:570:22:59

I've just checked how many views our World Cup song has online.

0:22:590:23:02

Three million. Gary, We're a hit!

0:23:020:23:04

What? Brilliant, high-five!

0:23:040:23:07

That's great, but there's another World Cup song

0:23:070:23:09

-that's got three and a half million.

-Really?

0:23:090:23:12

-What song could possibly have more hits than us?

-This one.

0:23:120:23:15

# Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

0:23:150:23:18

# Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

0:23:180:23:20

# La, la, la, la... #

0:23:200:23:22

LAUGHTER

0:23:220:23:23

-Yes, yes, yes!

-That is incredible.

0:23:230:23:25

And it doesn't even have proper words so anyone can sing along.

0:23:250:23:28

-Genius.

-It's like I've always said,

0:23:280:23:30

if you're going to get beaten by anyone, get beaten by a singing cat.

0:23:300:23:33

Brilliant!

0:23:330:23:34

Well, that really is all we've got time for.

0:23:340:23:36

Yes, so good luck to England.

0:23:360:23:38

And to the United States. I've been the patriotic Felicity Bond...

0:23:380:23:41

And I've...

0:23:410:23:43

just realised how to get even more views for our World Cup song.

0:23:430:23:46

-Say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob.

0:23:460:23:48

DNN made this World Cup video, what happened next will amaze you!

0:23:480:23:53

-Nothing happened next.

-Yes, but by the time they find that out,

0:23:530:23:56

they'll already have watched it. Zing!

0:23:560:23:58

Tarquin? It's G-Dog.

0:23:580:24:00

Three million hits. Yes, three million.

0:24:000:24:02

Can I now afford an elephant?

0:24:020:24:04

Nine tickets to Brazil, please.

0:24:040:24:07

No, one-way.

0:24:070:24:09

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