Episode 7 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

But if we don't fry the milk, how do we make the tea hot?

-You boil the water.

-And then grill the

-tea bag? No. No, grilling.

-And coffee?

-Is not a mashup of cough mixture and toffee.

-Oh, ogee-ogee-ogee!

-Ah! No. No. No.

-Ah! No.

-Gary, if you're looking for a glass

they're the glass-shaped things made of glass.

-Thanks, Jahmene, I've learnt a lot today.

-No, Bob, I have lost my spoon!

-Run me through toast again. It starts as bread, then goes...

-In there. Hot place.

-Clue in the name "toast".

-Er...Mexico?

Hello. I'm the enigmatic Felicity Bond.

I'm Bob Roberts. And this is the face of Ian Beale on a slice of toast.

HE INHALES Straight from Mexico.

-And these are the headlines.

-The BBC Proms are accused of dumbing down.

HORSE PLAYS TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

Customs officers finally catch

the world's greatest smuggler of squeaky toys.

WOMAN LAUGHS

And in Jamie Oliver's house everyone has to muck in, no exceptions.

And in other news, today the Prime Minister...

-Gary, what are you doing?

-I have lost my spoon. Have you seen it?

I don't know, Gary, it's difficult to tell one spoon from another.

It's 2014, Felicity. That is not an acceptable statement.

"Gary! This is not news.

"Nobody cares about your spoon. Now, get off..."

-Gary, I'm sure that your spoon...

-Wayne...

No, you're Gary, Gary.

This is Bob and I'm Felicity. No!

No, this is Bob and I'm Felicity.

No, it's the name of my spoon. Wayne...Wayne Spooney.

We'd spend so many happy hours, eating cereal together,

stirring coffee together, tobogganing...

Please, viewers, if anyone sees Wayne Spooney,

please call our emergency spoonline. The number is on the screen now.

Without his spoon, Gary Ogden is a hollow and sad human being.

-And with it, he is a hollow and sad human being that can eat soup.

-BOB CHUCKLES

Now over to the People's Champion, Phil Tyme,

-our reporter who stands up for the little guy.

-Yep.

Phil, where are you this week? Oh, my word! What are you wearing?!

Excuse me, I'm not Phil Tyme, I'm Filipina Rosemary.

OK, everyone, Phil's finally lost it! Oh, bagsy I get the van.

Don't be daft, Bob. I'm undercover.

I'm a school dinner lady and Terry's me sous chef.

PHIL CHUCKLES

And I'm joined by Lizbeth here. Say hi, Lizbeth.

Hello, viewers. What an absolute honour it is to be here.

I've been practising being on television for a week now.

I have excellent diction.

She's a bit weird. Just tell us what the problem is?

The food they serve in the lunch hall here is like glue.

Some of the boys fix their trainers with the semolina,

but one of the sixth-form girls told us the food they serve the teachers is delicious.

-Real cordon bleu dinning.

-Cordon blue, is that posh for chicken?

-No, Phil, it's not.

-Right. So long story short,

it's up to me to find the fancy butties,

take the gaffer to task and get some justice for these kids.

And it's days like this that make me proud to be a serious journalist.

-MAN: Filipina, get over here.

-Er...one second.

I've just got a potato croquette caught in my dress.

So proud! So stay tuned for more on my investigative report on DNN.

-Filipina, come on!

-One moment, mate! Keep your hair on!

Live! We'll see you in a bite. Ow!

Forget Gordon Ramsay, that is a kitchen nightmare.

No, Felicity, a kitchen nightmare is when you're peeling a potato

and it grows a little mouth and starts screaming,

"You're taking away my skin!"

But you can't stop peeling and the screaming grows louder and louder

until you just want it to stop! I imagine.

-They let you have a peeler?

-Yep, it's a little rubber one.

Anywho...it's recently been revealed

that intelligence agencies around the world

have been training animals to act as spies.

For more, let's go to the reporter so hard

she makes James Bond look like James Blunt.

-It's Nellie Osmond.

-Thank you, Robert.

I'm here under this derelict railway bridge to lift the lid

on the shadowy world of espionage.

I'm here to meet my contact,

the head of MI5's Animal Training Division.

Finally a professional for a professional.

-Well, hello, Miss Osmond.

-Hello. And you're a cat, perfect.

That's how animal spies slip through the net, Miss Osmond.

It all started with the Russian moles back in the 1950s,

now we have everything from spy worms to spy whales.

And we even get gadgets just like a real human spy.

look, this is a two-way budgie mirror.

This a dog-bone spy cam.

-And, I suppose, this is exploding cat litter?

-I didn't bring that.

-Oh!

-Sh! Quiet!

-RATTLING

I'd know that sound anywhere.

Oscar Medallion! Pure...evil!

-A hamster?!

-A master criminal.

We need to go after him.

Time for you to go...incognito.

Cat face? Seriously, I'm trying to do a job of work here.

No-one suspects an animal, Nellie. Don't let him out of your sight!

Not now, Brian

Why have we not apprehended him yet?

-Why?

-SHE LAUGHS

He's an evil genius, Nelly.

He's always two steps ahead.

-Unbelievable! Excuse me.

-What...?!

There, job done.

Miss Osmond, you're a natural.

Ridiculous! So there we have it,

even if animal spies are all around,

the intelligence of humans will always give us the upper paw.

This is Nellie Osmond, the cat's whiskers, for DNN.

-Where's he gone?!

-Intriguing.

Over to the reporter so up-and-coming he's been-and-gone,

-it's Jahmene Mann.

-Thanks Felicity.

My report today is all about these...emoticons.

Oh, the Autobots' ancient foes!

Watch out, Felicity, they're robots in disguise.

No gramps, those are the Decepticons.

Emoticons are how you convey feelings in a text or post.

-If you turn your head to the side, it looks like...

-A snake juggling?!

-A smiley face.

-A smelly face?

So emoticons are meant to look like human faces,

but how much can you make a human face resemble an emoticon?

Let's meet the street.

I'm on the hunt for Britain's best human emoticons.

Rubber chops at the ready, people, cos it's time for your close-up.

MUSIC: "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida

The sad face.

The cheeky face.

The kiss.

I give you the Emoticon Sisters!

The wink.

Face facts, people of Britain,

you know how to put what's inside on the outside.

But if there's one thing I've learnt today it's that when it comes

to pulling faces you shouldn't always say what you see. Excuse me. Ah, surprised face!

Brilliant! Go on, do another one.

What is that? A donkey eating peanut butter?

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, you don't look too happy.

Was it the donkey thing?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You're going to chase me now, aren't you?

Unsurprised face. Man down! Man down!

Let's go over now to the showbiz reporter so sunny

you need to wear shades. It's Kelly Fornia!

Hi, Flickster! Hi, Bobster!

I've had an amaze week!

-Kelly, what happened?!

-I broke my leg and three vertebrae!

Fracturistic! I was on the dodgems

with Kimberley Walsh and Professor Mary Beard

and I got thrown out and my whole life passed before my eyes!

It was from when I was born up to being thrown out of the dodgem

and then had a flashback to the flashback and relived my life

-up to when I had the flashback of the flashback and...

-Kelly!

-Kelly!

-Hi!

-Entertainment headlines?

Yuh-huh! Eric from Emmerdale tries a DIY hair transplant.

You might...if you had a wife like mine.

Double eye-wee on Dani's House.

SHE SOBS

And celebrity shock as Joey Essex gets a question right on The Cube.

You are Joey Essex. Where are you from, Joey?

-I'm from Essex.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

So my big report today is about pretending to be other people.

I sometimes pretend you're all biscuit people.

You're a Viennese whirl, you're a Garibaldi.

No, I'm not! I've just got very fine hair.

So, anyway, my report today is about acting! Take a look.

Hi, besties! OK, so acting.

I've never wanted to be an actress.

I was totally acting! It's one of my biggest dream-bitions!

But I need lessons from a real Hollywood star.

And, oh, my wow, I've got one! It's Warwick Davis!

-Thank you very much indeed. Nice to meet you, Kelly.

-Thanks!

Now, you've been in Harry Potter movies and the Star Wars movies

and you've been in Doctor Who. But can you give me some tips?

Yeah, I'll give it a go.

Uber-yes! It's Warwick Davis' super awesome Be An Actor masterclass.

-So, Warwick, I've written this script.

-Yeah.

-It's amazing. Let's act it out and then you can tell me how to be better.

-Yeah, sure.

Oh, Warwick, I don't think I'll ever be a good enough actor.

But you're awesome. There's nothing anyone could teach you

not even Darth Vader or Daniel Radcliffe.

-Is that it?

-Did you hear that, besties?

Warwick Davis super loved my acting!

Not everything in movies is real,

but you have to make people think it is.

So, Warwick, show me how to pretend that this...

is a fire-breathing dragon!

HE SCREAMS No! Dragon! Run for your lives!

Fear not, Warwick, the handsome prince will save us. Rargh!

The dragon is slain!

Oh, thanks, Prince Taylor Lautner.

He's so dreamy!!

-Warwick, show me how actors react when they lose an award.

-Yeah, sure.

And the Oscar goes to...

-SHE GASPS

-..Kelly Fornia!

No! No!!

It's mine!

I'm the best! HE LAUGHS

I am so doing that at the Golden Globes.

-So now I'm an actor!

-You are.

-Can I have your autograph?

-Of course you can. Yeah.

-They you go.

-Thank you.

-And...since you're now an actor, may I have your autograph?

-Oh, my wow!

Star-mongous! I could do loads of squiggles like I'm doodling,

or I could draw a tiny picture of me,

or I could do a happy face in the O and the E

so it smiles at you when you look at it.

Smile-ograph! New word alert! Or...

Great report, Kelly, but aren't you in some pain?

Yeah, loads! But I super heart these crutches!

It's like having super long arms like Mr Tickle

or Elastigirl or Professor Brian Cox. Look!

High five! High ten!

-KELLY SCREAMS

-Oh, my!

Oh! Isn't gravity brilliant! I've broken the other leg!

Matching pair. Snap! Literally.

That girl is so positive even her shower curtain has a silver lining.

We'll be back after these messages.

Don't channel hop, you'll never find a pogo stick big enough.

-And we're on a break.

-Awesome! Another ride in an ambulance!

She is not leaving until I've frisked her for Wayne Spooney.

Oh, my... Ow!

Steve, get rid of these posters. Gary, can I have a word?

-Yes, Henry, you may. How about "lawsuit".

-What?

Wayne Spooney's disappearance happened on your shift.

You are responsible. You are re-spoonsible.

I've taken my case to Cutlery Lawyers 4Me.

-Who on earth are Cutlery Lawyers 4Me?

-That would be me.

Lost your knife at the office?

Had your fork bent by a careless colleague?

Did your nasty boss split your splatula, splat your spotula...

bent your whisk? Then call Cutlery Lawyers 4Me.

-No win, no fee!

-There will be no win.

Then sir...there will be no fee!

-Gary, I'll get you a new spoon.

-I do not want a new spoon,

-I want Wayne Spooney.

-We'll see you at the trifle.

-You mean tribunal.

-Oh, he knows all the criminal lingo!

-He's guilty!

-Back on in five, four, three...

-Guilty! Guilty!

-..two...

Welcome back. Now, with her eyes firmly on the skies today,

it's TV's most twitchy travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

So, Bea, people are heading off on their holidays. How's it going?

Frankly, Bob, it is absolutely chaos down here

but, fortunately, I am fine.

-It doesn't look like chaos.

-Doesn't?!

There are trolleys and suitcases everywhere!

-Who'd put wheels on a suitcase?! They're out of control!

-SHE SCREAMS

Excuse me, you're speeding!

There's no speed limit for suitcases.

What?! The world's gone mad.

-SHE SCREAMS

-A plane without wings!

-Oh, no, it's just a bus. It's a bus! It's a bus!

-SHE SCREAMS

SHE WHIMPERS AND SINGS NERVOUSLY

So, Bea, erm... SHE SINGS AND SIGHS

Flights will leave on time today,

although they will all be far too noisy and far too fast.

-Try our new fragrance?

-BEA SCREAMS

Sconge juice! Oh, I don't like it!

-ALL:

-# We're off to Tenerife

-SHE SCREAMS

-# Ta-da-da-da! #

-Argh! Ambushed!

-# Who are ya?!

-Who are ya?!

-# Who are ya?! #

-I don't know any more, Bob. I just don't know.

-ALL:

-Wahey!

-SHE SCREAMS

-# She's off to Tenerife

-SHE SCREAMS

-# She's off to Tenerife #

-SHE SCREAMS

I don't have a passport!

Time now for the sport. So let's cross to the man

who is literally a spoon short of a cutlery drawer, it's Gary Ogden.

Do I have to do this? I've got a spoon to find! Fine!

I'm Gary Ogden, this is the Spoon Locker,

this is a representation of my emotional state

following the loss of Wayne Spooney

and these are today's sports headlines.

This year's Ryder Cup captain denies his team is worse than last year.

There's a major misunderstanding at the annual cat fishing contest.

And a doggy boot camp raises the bar for next year's Crufts.

DANCE MUSIC

Resistance and up.

-Can I go now?

-Hang on, Gary. Amazing news about the World Cup song, eh?

-Is it?

-Yes, it's gone viral.

All sorts of famous faces have decided to get involved.

-Really?

-Certainly. Take a look at this.

-# Summertime

-Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# And Oggie's on the team

# Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Just hear the fan all scream

# All you do is kick the ball

# Don't forget to kick the ball

# You're not allowed to touch the ball

-# Oh, my word, he touched the ball! #

-Gay Ogden?!

-Who's this for?

-What's his second name?

-Who?

-Not that idiot again?

-Who's he?!

-I'll have to speak to my agent.

-No idea who he is.

-Barry who?

-Who's Gary Ogden?

-Don't know.

-Doesn't ring a bell.

-Never heard of him.

I thought I was doing this for Gary Lineker.

He's my close personal friend.

180!

No, that's definitely darts.

Who is this guy?!

# Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Rio...2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Just watch that trophy gleam

WHISTLE

# Summertime! #

Who is this Gary Ogden anyway?

-Don't know. I thought you knew him.

-I don't know him.

-Oh.

# Rio 2014! #

See, those close personal friends took the time out to be in the song.

That's all very well, but none of them are Wayne Spooney.

-Thanks Gary.

-So, let's go over to...

Actually, there is just one more thing, if I may, Felicity.

-Where were you today at three minutes past three?

-In the office.

-Uh-huh. And four minutes past three?

-The office.

-Right.

-Five minutes past three?

-I was in the office!

-OK, good.

-So, moving over...

-Six minutes past three?

-Office! I was in the office!

I did not take your spoon!

Argh!

Now the weather with the woman who doesn't know the meaning of

"Keep it down, Ms Wave, the pensioners are trying to sleep."

-It's Davina Wave.

-And Map! Hello Mappy!

A very good afternoon to you, Robert and Felicity.

Felicity, something really weird is happening here.

-I know.

-Mappy is wearing a bow tie!

I need to change this rubbish normal tie into a bow. Stat!

Henry Smart believed my regional accent

to be somewhat difficult to understand,

so he hired this elocution therapist, Dr Meredith Mouthbetter,

-to teach me the Queen's English.

-Charmed.

So, without further ado, let's begin!

And we commence in that...London.

I'm sorry to say that all you Londoners

will be a bit chilly today.

Poor Southern la-di-das, barely know the meaning of cold!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Apologies.

How now, brown cow?

Well, if that cow was in Staines, the answer would be...

And finally, we move north.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Towards a charming city nestled on the banks of the River Tyne.

The most magnificent flaming toon in the whole wide world!

Newcastle!

SHE SCREAMS

Argh!

Ah, Meredith, you're dead canny, pet, but I cannae deny me roots!

-Newcastle! Where as ever, the weather going to be a proper belta!

-SHE SCREAMS

Back to you Robert and Felicity. Huh!

Davina Wave there,

proving you should never restrict yourself. Right Bob?

HE GROANS I think I've dislocated my shoulder. Mappy! Help!

He's undercover and overmade-up, it's our People's Champion,

Phil Tyme, on the trail of some allegedly greedy teachers.

Phil, what's the situation?

Well, after some crafty sneaking about as Filipina Rosemary,

I've firmly found this room down this corridor where it looks to me

like the teachers might be keeping the proper tasty food.

Let's have a gander, shall we?

Oh, strike, Terry! Look at all these cakes! I've done it!

I've exposed a culinary conspiracy that would make Mary Berry blush.

But just a thought,

maybe I should try one of 'em just to make sure that they're real.

Oh, get on that? That is cracking!

Stuff this!

-DOOR OPENS

-Mm!

Oh, it seems I've fallen into this cake!

Filipina Rosemary, what is the meaning that this?!

Ah-ha! I'm not Filipina Rosemary, I'm Phil Tyme the People's Champion

and I demand to know why you teachers aren't giving your nippers

any of this blue corduroy food?

-What?!

-I think he means cordon bleu.

-Yeah.

This is not the teacher's cake trolley,

this is for the school bake sale,

where we'll raise money to build a better canteen.

-Oh, where you?

-Filipina Rosemary, you're getting a detention.

I want you to write, "I must not eat cake" 300 times.

You can't give me a detention, I'm a national news reporter.

-I own half a van!

-400 times!

-You can't.

-500!

-It's your own time you're wasting!

-Oh, cheesecake and crackers!

This is the People's Champion, Filipina...

Phil Tyme fighting to get schoolchildren proper food.

but just accidentally eating it.

Don't you judge me, oven glove.

Take 'em back! Take 'em back!

That's all we've got time for today.

I've been the innocent Felicity Bond.

-And I've been...

-A spoon-napper!

-What?!

-Admit it. I know it was you! You took Wayne Spooney.

-Everyone else has an alibaba.

-Alibi.

-Yep, see you next time, Felicity.

-Why would I take your spoon?

-Cos you were jealous!

That's ladling it on a bit thick. This is a ladle...

-Not this time, Bob. Our friendship is over. We are finished.

-BOB GASPS

-Don't talk to me.

-Oh!

-Don't text me.

-Oh!

-Don't send letters.

-Don't send carrier owls.

-Hoo-hoo!

Don't cut messages into paper

-in an impressive and amusing fashion.

-Er...

-Don't send donkeys with words shaved into their fur.

-DONKEY BRAES

-You are dead to me.

-BOB GASPS

-What's that in your pocket, Gary?

-Oh, that's just Wayne Spooney.

It's Wayne Spooney! Yes!

Mwah! -In hindsight, I probably should

have checked my spoon pocket before now,

-but don't let it happen again.

-Noted.

Unbelievable! Say goodbye, Bob.

Goodbye, Bob.

I've never seen yer spoon aroon the toon.

I've never seen yer spoon aroon the town.

Haddaway man! Toon! Toon! Woman man! Toon!

I've never seen yer spoon aroon the toon?

-By Geordie, you've got it!

-BOTH: Hawey!

Now, has anyone seen Sarah, the Duchess of Fork?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd