Episode 7 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 7

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Transcript


LineFromTo

But if we don't fry the milk, how do we make the tea hot?

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-You boil the water.

-And then grill the

-tea bag? No. No, grilling.

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-And coffee?

-Is not a mashup of cough mixture and toffee.

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-Oh, ogee-ogee-ogee!

-Ah! No. No. No.

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-Ah! No.

-Gary, if you're looking for a glass

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they're the glass-shaped things made of glass.

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-Thanks, Jahmene, I've learnt a lot today.

-No, Bob, I have lost my spoon!

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-Run me through toast again. It starts as bread, then goes...

-In there. Hot place.

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-Clue in the name "toast".

-Er...Mexico?

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Hello. I'm the enigmatic Felicity Bond.

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I'm Bob Roberts. And this is the face of Ian Beale on a slice of toast.

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HE INHALES Straight from Mexico.

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-And these are the headlines.

-The BBC Proms are accused of dumbing down.

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HORSE PLAYS TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

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Customs officers finally catch

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the world's greatest smuggler of squeaky toys.

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WOMAN LAUGHS

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And in Jamie Oliver's house everyone has to muck in, no exceptions.

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And in other news, today the Prime Minister...

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-Gary, what are you doing?

-I have lost my spoon. Have you seen it?

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I don't know, Gary, it's difficult to tell one spoon from another.

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It's 2014, Felicity. That is not an acceptable statement.

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"Gary! This is not news.

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"Nobody cares about your spoon. Now, get off..."

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-Gary, I'm sure that your spoon...

-Wayne...

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No, you're Gary, Gary.

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This is Bob and I'm Felicity. No!

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No, this is Bob and I'm Felicity.

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No, it's the name of my spoon. Wayne...Wayne Spooney.

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We'd spend so many happy hours, eating cereal together,

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stirring coffee together, tobogganing...

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Please, viewers, if anyone sees Wayne Spooney,

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please call our emergency spoonline. The number is on the screen now.

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Without his spoon, Gary Ogden is a hollow and sad human being.

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-And with it, he is a hollow and sad human being that can eat soup.

-BOB CHUCKLES

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Now over to the People's Champion, Phil Tyme,

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-our reporter who stands up for the little guy.

-Yep.

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Phil, where are you this week? Oh, my word! What are you wearing?!

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Excuse me, I'm not Phil Tyme, I'm Filipina Rosemary.

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OK, everyone, Phil's finally lost it! Oh, bagsy I get the van.

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Don't be daft, Bob. I'm undercover.

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I'm a school dinner lady and Terry's me sous chef.

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PHIL CHUCKLES

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And I'm joined by Lizbeth here. Say hi, Lizbeth.

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Hello, viewers. What an absolute honour it is to be here.

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I've been practising being on television for a week now.

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I have excellent diction.

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She's a bit weird. Just tell us what the problem is?

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The food they serve in the lunch hall here is like glue.

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Some of the boys fix their trainers with the semolina,

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but one of the sixth-form girls told us the food they serve the teachers is delicious.

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-Real cordon bleu dinning.

-Cordon blue, is that posh for chicken?

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-No, Phil, it's not.

-Right. So long story short,

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it's up to me to find the fancy butties,

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take the gaffer to task and get some justice for these kids.

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And it's days like this that make me proud to be a serious journalist.

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-MAN: Filipina, get over here.

-Er...one second.

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I've just got a potato croquette caught in my dress.

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So proud! So stay tuned for more on my investigative report on DNN.

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-Filipina, come on!

-One moment, mate! Keep your hair on!

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Live! We'll see you in a bite. Ow!

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Forget Gordon Ramsay, that is a kitchen nightmare.

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No, Felicity, a kitchen nightmare is when you're peeling a potato

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and it grows a little mouth and starts screaming,

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"You're taking away my skin!"

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But you can't stop peeling and the screaming grows louder and louder

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until you just want it to stop! I imagine.

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-They let you have a peeler?

-Yep, it's a little rubber one.

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Anywho...it's recently been revealed

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that intelligence agencies around the world

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have been training animals to act as spies.

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For more, let's go to the reporter so hard

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she makes James Bond look like James Blunt.

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-It's Nellie Osmond.

-Thank you, Robert.

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I'm here under this derelict railway bridge to lift the lid

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on the shadowy world of espionage.

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I'm here to meet my contact,

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the head of MI5's Animal Training Division.

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Finally a professional for a professional.

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-Well, hello, Miss Osmond.

-Hello. And you're a cat, perfect.

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That's how animal spies slip through the net, Miss Osmond.

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It all started with the Russian moles back in the 1950s,

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now we have everything from spy worms to spy whales.

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And we even get gadgets just like a real human spy.

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look, this is a two-way budgie mirror.

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This a dog-bone spy cam.

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-And, I suppose, this is exploding cat litter?

-I didn't bring that.

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-Oh!

-Sh! Quiet!

-RATTLING

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I'd know that sound anywhere.

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Oscar Medallion! Pure...evil!

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-A hamster?!

-A master criminal.

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We need to go after him.

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Time for you to go...incognito.

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Cat face? Seriously, I'm trying to do a job of work here.

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No-one suspects an animal, Nellie. Don't let him out of your sight!

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Not now, Brian

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Why have we not apprehended him yet?

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-Why?

-SHE LAUGHS

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He's an evil genius, Nelly.

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He's always two steps ahead.

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-Unbelievable! Excuse me.

-What...?!

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There, job done.

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Miss Osmond, you're a natural.

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Ridiculous! So there we have it,

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even if animal spies are all around,

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the intelligence of humans will always give us the upper paw.

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This is Nellie Osmond, the cat's whiskers, for DNN.

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-Where's he gone?!

-Intriguing.

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Over to the reporter so up-and-coming he's been-and-gone,

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-it's Jahmene Mann.

-Thanks Felicity.

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My report today is all about these...emoticons.

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Oh, the Autobots' ancient foes!

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Watch out, Felicity, they're robots in disguise.

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No gramps, those are the Decepticons.

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Emoticons are how you convey feelings in a text or post.

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-If you turn your head to the side, it looks like...

-A snake juggling?!

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-A smiley face.

-A smelly face?

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So emoticons are meant to look like human faces,

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but how much can you make a human face resemble an emoticon?

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Let's meet the street.

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I'm on the hunt for Britain's best human emoticons.

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Rubber chops at the ready, people, cos it's time for your close-up.

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MUSIC: "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida

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The sad face.

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The cheeky face.

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The kiss.

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I give you the Emoticon Sisters!

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The wink.

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Face facts, people of Britain,

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you know how to put what's inside on the outside.

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But if there's one thing I've learnt today it's that when it comes

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to pulling faces you shouldn't always say what you see. Excuse me. Ah, surprised face!

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Brilliant! Go on, do another one.

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What is that? A donkey eating peanut butter?

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-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, you don't look too happy.

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Was it the donkey thing?

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Yeah, I'm sorry.

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You're going to chase me now, aren't you?

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Unsurprised face. Man down! Man down!

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Let's go over now to the showbiz reporter so sunny

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you need to wear shades. It's Kelly Fornia!

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Hi, Flickster! Hi, Bobster!

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I've had an amaze week!

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-Kelly, what happened?!

-I broke my leg and three vertebrae!

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Fracturistic! I was on the dodgems

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with Kimberley Walsh and Professor Mary Beard

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and I got thrown out and my whole life passed before my eyes!

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It was from when I was born up to being thrown out of the dodgem

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and then had a flashback to the flashback and relived my life

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-up to when I had the flashback of the flashback and...

-Kelly!

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-Kelly!

-Hi!

-Entertainment headlines?

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Yuh-huh! Eric from Emmerdale tries a DIY hair transplant.

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You might...if you had a wife like mine.

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Double eye-wee on Dani's House.

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SHE SOBS

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And celebrity shock as Joey Essex gets a question right on The Cube.

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You are Joey Essex. Where are you from, Joey?

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-I'm from Essex.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

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So my big report today is about pretending to be other people.

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I sometimes pretend you're all biscuit people.

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You're a Viennese whirl, you're a Garibaldi.

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No, I'm not! I've just got very fine hair.

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So, anyway, my report today is about acting! Take a look.

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Hi, besties! OK, so acting.

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I've never wanted to be an actress.

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I was totally acting! It's one of my biggest dream-bitions!

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But I need lessons from a real Hollywood star.

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And, oh, my wow, I've got one! It's Warwick Davis!

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-Thank you very much indeed. Nice to meet you, Kelly.

-Thanks!

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Now, you've been in Harry Potter movies and the Star Wars movies

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and you've been in Doctor Who. But can you give me some tips?

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Yeah, I'll give it a go.

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Uber-yes! It's Warwick Davis' super awesome Be An Actor masterclass.

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-So, Warwick, I've written this script.

-Yeah.

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-It's amazing. Let's act it out and then you can tell me how to be better.

-Yeah, sure.

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Oh, Warwick, I don't think I'll ever be a good enough actor.

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But you're awesome. There's nothing anyone could teach you

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not even Darth Vader or Daniel Radcliffe.

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-Is that it?

-Did you hear that, besties?

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Warwick Davis super loved my acting!

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Not everything in movies is real,

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but you have to make people think it is.

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So, Warwick, show me how to pretend that this...

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is a fire-breathing dragon!

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HE SCREAMS No! Dragon! Run for your lives!

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Fear not, Warwick, the handsome prince will save us. Rargh!

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The dragon is slain!

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Oh, thanks, Prince Taylor Lautner.

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He's so dreamy!!

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-Warwick, show me how actors react when they lose an award.

-Yeah, sure.

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And the Oscar goes to...

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-SHE GASPS

-..Kelly Fornia!

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No! No!!

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It's mine!

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I'm the best! HE LAUGHS

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I am so doing that at the Golden Globes.

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-So now I'm an actor!

-You are.

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-Can I have your autograph?

-Of course you can. Yeah.

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-They you go.

-Thank you.

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-And...since you're now an actor, may I have your autograph?

-Oh, my wow!

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Star-mongous! I could do loads of squiggles like I'm doodling,

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or I could draw a tiny picture of me,

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or I could do a happy face in the O and the E

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so it smiles at you when you look at it.

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Smile-ograph! New word alert! Or...

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Great report, Kelly, but aren't you in some pain?

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Yeah, loads! But I super heart these crutches!

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It's like having super long arms like Mr Tickle

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or Elastigirl or Professor Brian Cox. Look!

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High five! High ten!

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-KELLY SCREAMS

-Oh, my!

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Oh! Isn't gravity brilliant! I've broken the other leg!

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Matching pair. Snap! Literally.

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That girl is so positive even her shower curtain has a silver lining.

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We'll be back after these messages.

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Don't channel hop, you'll never find a pogo stick big enough.

0:13:060:13:10

-And we're on a break.

-Awesome! Another ride in an ambulance!

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She is not leaving until I've frisked her for Wayne Spooney.

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Oh, my... Ow!

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Steve, get rid of these posters. Gary, can I have a word?

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-Yes, Henry, you may. How about "lawsuit".

-What?

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Wayne Spooney's disappearance happened on your shift.

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You are responsible. You are re-spoonsible.

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I've taken my case to Cutlery Lawyers 4Me.

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-Who on earth are Cutlery Lawyers 4Me?

-That would be me.

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Lost your knife at the office?

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Had your fork bent by a careless colleague?

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Did your nasty boss split your splatula, splat your spotula...

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bent your whisk? Then call Cutlery Lawyers 4Me.

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-No win, no fee!

-There will be no win.

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Then sir...there will be no fee!

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-Gary, I'll get you a new spoon.

-I do not want a new spoon,

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-I want Wayne Spooney.

-We'll see you at the trifle.

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-You mean tribunal.

-Oh, he knows all the criminal lingo!

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-He's guilty!

-Back on in five, four, three...

-Guilty! Guilty!

-..two...

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Welcome back. Now, with her eyes firmly on the skies today,

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it's TV's most twitchy travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

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So, Bea, people are heading off on their holidays. How's it going?

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Frankly, Bob, it is absolutely chaos down here

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but, fortunately, I am fine.

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-It doesn't look like chaos.

-Doesn't?!

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There are trolleys and suitcases everywhere!

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-Who'd put wheels on a suitcase?! They're out of control!

-SHE SCREAMS

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Excuse me, you're speeding!

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There's no speed limit for suitcases.

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What?! The world's gone mad.

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-SHE SCREAMS

-A plane without wings!

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-Oh, no, it's just a bus. It's a bus! It's a bus!

-SHE SCREAMS

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SHE WHIMPERS AND SINGS NERVOUSLY

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So, Bea, erm... SHE SINGS AND SIGHS

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Flights will leave on time today,

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although they will all be far too noisy and far too fast.

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-Try our new fragrance?

-BEA SCREAMS

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Sconge juice! Oh, I don't like it!

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-ALL:

-# We're off to Tenerife

-SHE SCREAMS

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-# Ta-da-da-da! #

-Argh! Ambushed!

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-# Who are ya?!

-Who are ya?!

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-# Who are ya?! #

-I don't know any more, Bob. I just don't know.

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-ALL:

-Wahey!

-SHE SCREAMS

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-# She's off to Tenerife

-SHE SCREAMS

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-# She's off to Tenerife #

-SHE SCREAMS

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I don't have a passport!

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Time now for the sport. So let's cross to the man

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who is literally a spoon short of a cutlery drawer, it's Gary Ogden.

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Do I have to do this? I've got a spoon to find! Fine!

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I'm Gary Ogden, this is the Spoon Locker,

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this is a representation of my emotional state

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following the loss of Wayne Spooney

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and these are today's sports headlines.

0:16:080:16:10

This year's Ryder Cup captain denies his team is worse than last year.

0:16:100:16:15

There's a major misunderstanding at the annual cat fishing contest.

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And a doggy boot camp raises the bar for next year's Crufts.

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DANCE MUSIC

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Resistance and up.

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-Can I go now?

-Hang on, Gary. Amazing news about the World Cup song, eh?

0:16:330:16:38

-Is it?

-Yes, it's gone viral.

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All sorts of famous faces have decided to get involved.

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-Really?

-Certainly. Take a look at this.

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-# Summertime

-Rio 2014!

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# Rio 2014!

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# Rio 2014!

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# And Oggie's on the team

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# Rio 2014!

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# Rio 2014!

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# Rio 2014!

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# Just hear the fan all scream

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# All you do is kick the ball

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# Don't forget to kick the ball

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# You're not allowed to touch the ball

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-# Oh, my word, he touched the ball! #

-Gay Ogden?!

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-Who's this for?

-What's his second name?

-Who?

-Not that idiot again?

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-Who's he?!

-I'll have to speak to my agent.

-No idea who he is.

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-Barry who?

-Who's Gary Ogden?

-Don't know.

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-Doesn't ring a bell.

-Never heard of him.

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I thought I was doing this for Gary Lineker.

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He's my close personal friend.

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180!

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No, that's definitely darts.

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Who is this guy?!

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# Rio 2014!

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# Rio 2014!

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# Rio...2014!

0:17:400:17:44

# Rio 2014!

0:17:440:17:46

# Rio 2014!

0:17:460:17:47

# Rio 2014!

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# Just watch that trophy gleam

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WHISTLE

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# Summertime! #

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Who is this Gary Ogden anyway?

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-Don't know. I thought you knew him.

-I don't know him.

-Oh.

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# Rio 2014! #

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See, those close personal friends took the time out to be in the song.

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That's all very well, but none of them are Wayne Spooney.

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-Thanks Gary.

-So, let's go over to...

0:18:150:18:18

Actually, there is just one more thing, if I may, Felicity.

0:18:180:18:22

-Where were you today at three minutes past three?

-In the office.

0:18:220:18:26

-Uh-huh. And four minutes past three?

-The office.

-Right.

0:18:260:18:30

-Five minutes past three?

-I was in the office!

-OK, good.

0:18:300:18:34

-So, moving over...

-Six minutes past three?

-Office! I was in the office!

0:18:340:18:39

I did not take your spoon!

0:18:390:18:40

Argh!

0:18:430:18:45

Now the weather with the woman who doesn't know the meaning of

0:18:480:18:52

"Keep it down, Ms Wave, the pensioners are trying to sleep."

0:18:520:18:56

-It's Davina Wave.

-And Map! Hello Mappy!

0:18:560:18:58

A very good afternoon to you, Robert and Felicity.

0:18:580:19:03

Felicity, something really weird is happening here.

0:19:030:19:06

-I know.

-Mappy is wearing a bow tie!

0:19:060:19:08

I need to change this rubbish normal tie into a bow. Stat!

0:19:080:19:12

Henry Smart believed my regional accent

0:19:120:19:16

to be somewhat difficult to understand,

0:19:160:19:19

so he hired this elocution therapist, Dr Meredith Mouthbetter,

0:19:190:19:25

-to teach me the Queen's English.

-Charmed.

0:19:250:19:29

So, without further ado, let's begin!

0:19:290:19:32

And we commence in that...London.

0:19:320:19:37

I'm sorry to say that all you Londoners

0:19:370:19:40

will be a bit chilly today.

0:19:400:19:43

Poor Southern la-di-das, barely know the meaning of cold!

0:19:430:19:47

-SHE LAUGHS

-Apologies.

0:19:470:19:50

How now, brown cow?

0:19:500:19:53

Well, if that cow was in Staines, the answer would be...

0:19:530:19:59

And finally, we move north.

0:19:590:20:03

-SHE LAUGHS

-Towards a charming city nestled on the banks of the River Tyne.

0:20:030:20:09

The most magnificent flaming toon in the whole wide world!

0:20:110:20:15

Newcastle!

0:20:150:20:17

SHE SCREAMS

0:20:170:20:19

Argh!

0:20:190:20:21

Ah, Meredith, you're dead canny, pet, but I cannae deny me roots!

0:20:210:20:25

-Newcastle! Where as ever, the weather going to be a proper belta!

-SHE SCREAMS

0:20:250:20:31

Back to you Robert and Felicity. Huh!

0:20:310:20:35

Davina Wave there,

0:20:350:20:36

proving you should never restrict yourself. Right Bob?

0:20:360:20:40

HE GROANS I think I've dislocated my shoulder. Mappy! Help!

0:20:400:20:45

He's undercover and overmade-up, it's our People's Champion,

0:20:490:20:53

Phil Tyme, on the trail of some allegedly greedy teachers.

0:20:530:20:57

Phil, what's the situation?

0:20:570:20:59

Well, after some crafty sneaking about as Filipina Rosemary,

0:20:590:21:03

I've firmly found this room down this corridor where it looks to me

0:21:030:21:07

like the teachers might be keeping the proper tasty food.

0:21:070:21:11

Let's have a gander, shall we?

0:21:110:21:13

Oh, strike, Terry! Look at all these cakes! I've done it!

0:21:130:21:18

I've exposed a culinary conspiracy that would make Mary Berry blush.

0:21:180:21:23

But just a thought,

0:21:230:21:24

maybe I should try one of 'em just to make sure that they're real.

0:21:240:21:28

Oh, get on that? That is cracking!

0:21:280:21:31

Stuff this!

0:21:310:21:33

-DOOR OPENS

-Mm!

0:21:330:21:35

Oh, it seems I've fallen into this cake!

0:21:370:21:41

Filipina Rosemary, what is the meaning that this?!

0:21:410:21:44

Ah-ha! I'm not Filipina Rosemary, I'm Phil Tyme the People's Champion

0:21:440:21:48

and I demand to know why you teachers aren't giving your nippers

0:21:480:21:52

any of this blue corduroy food?

0:21:520:21:55

-What?!

-I think he means cordon bleu.

-Yeah.

0:21:550:21:57

This is not the teacher's cake trolley,

0:21:570:22:00

this is for the school bake sale,

0:22:000:22:02

where we'll raise money to build a better canteen.

0:22:020:22:05

-Oh, where you?

-Filipina Rosemary, you're getting a detention.

0:22:050:22:09

I want you to write, "I must not eat cake" 300 times.

0:22:090:22:14

You can't give me a detention, I'm a national news reporter.

0:22:140:22:18

-I own half a van!

-400 times!

0:22:180:22:21

-You can't.

-500!

0:22:210:22:24

-It's your own time you're wasting!

-Oh, cheesecake and crackers!

0:22:240:22:29

This is the People's Champion, Filipina...

0:22:290:22:32

Phil Tyme fighting to get schoolchildren proper food.

0:22:320:22:35

but just accidentally eating it.

0:22:350:22:37

Don't you judge me, oven glove.

0:22:370:22:40

Take 'em back! Take 'em back!

0:22:400:22:43

That's all we've got time for today.

0:22:430:22:45

I've been the innocent Felicity Bond.

0:22:450:22:47

-And I've been...

-A spoon-napper!

0:22:470:22:49

-What?!

-Admit it. I know it was you! You took Wayne Spooney.

0:22:490:22:53

-Everyone else has an alibaba.

-Alibi.

-Yep, see you next time, Felicity.

0:22:530:22:58

-Why would I take your spoon?

-Cos you were jealous!

0:22:580:23:01

That's ladling it on a bit thick. This is a ladle...

0:23:010:23:04

-Not this time, Bob. Our friendship is over. We are finished.

-BOB GASPS

0:23:040:23:10

-Don't talk to me.

-Oh!

-Don't text me.

-Oh!

-Don't send letters.

0:23:100:23:15

-Don't send carrier owls.

-Hoo-hoo!

0:23:150:23:18

Don't cut messages into paper

0:23:180:23:20

-in an impressive and amusing fashion.

-Er...

0:23:200:23:23

-Don't send donkeys with words shaved into their fur.

-DONKEY BRAES

0:23:230:23:28

-You are dead to me.

-BOB GASPS

0:23:280:23:30

-What's that in your pocket, Gary?

-Oh, that's just Wayne Spooney.

0:23:300:23:35

It's Wayne Spooney! Yes!

0:23:350:23:38

Mwah! -In hindsight, I probably should

0:23:380:23:41

have checked my spoon pocket before now,

0:23:410:23:44

-but don't let it happen again.

-Noted.

0:23:440:23:48

Unbelievable! Say goodbye, Bob.

0:23:480:23:52

Goodbye, Bob.

0:23:520:23:53

I've never seen yer spoon aroon the toon.

0:23:530:23:57

I've never seen yer spoon aroon the town.

0:23:570:23:59

Haddaway man! Toon! Toon! Woman man! Toon!

0:23:590:24:03

I've never seen yer spoon aroon the toon?

0:24:030:24:05

-By Geordie, you've got it!

-BOTH: Hawey!

0:24:050:24:08

Now, has anyone seen Sarah, the Duchess of Fork?

0:24:080:24:12

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