Episode 8 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

-Morning, everyone.

-Ah, Henry. Good morning!

Just polishing up that piece on interest rates.

Interesting stuff!

And I'm just trying to get a World Cup quote from Wayne Rooney -

does anyone know how we might contact him at all?

I'm happy to help if I can, Gary,

from one professional to another.

Excellent stuff. Bea, what's the traffic like today?

There's nasty snarl-up on the motorway,

so I'll be jumping into the lovely, noisy DNN helicopter!

Well, this all sounds fantastic - have a great show, everyone.

Thanks, boss. Hey, everyone, give it up for Henry.

-ALL:

-Hen-ry! Hen-ry! Hen-ry!

Henry, Henry, Henry...

Oh, no. Tell me that wasn't a dream...

SHE SCREAMS

Can you please keep the noise down?

I'm trying to do a job of work here!

This is the best way to do doggy paddle!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Steve! Fetch me a duvet. I'm going back in.

Hello. Welcome to DNN -

I'm the never shaken, never stirred Felicity Bond.

I'm Bob Roberts.

This is King Henry the Ape and these are today's headlines.

The new sci-fi series "Doctor Loo" gets off to a shaky start...

A cat regrets eating an entire live salmon.

And a young Jedi turns to the dark side

when he spots a Jar Jar Binks figure.

But our big story this week is

the fact that DNN has gone international.

Yes, I've heard the rumours, Felicity,

and I'm a bit worried, if I'm honest.

You know I'm not allowed to leave the country.

Bob, all it means is that versions of DNN have been translated

for viewers all over Europe to watch -

have a look at this from Spain.

VOICEOVER IN SPANISH

Wow. A Spanish Davina. That's incredibly confusing.

Why aye, Bob man,

even I don't know what I'm saying, like.

What's Spain got that Newcastle hasn't? Shearer!

Why aye! Ho-way!

Actually, can we get the Spanish one back, please?

And now it's time to head over

to our investigative reporter Phil Tyme.

I'd be a great investigative reporter, Flicky.

I've even made my own magnifying glasses.

Aye, aye!

Good luck with those on Dragons' Den.

Phil, what's going on with you?

Well, Felicity, as you can see, I'm in a local art gallery.

Now, we all love art -

whether it's a picture of some lovely sunflowers

or one of them singing fish sculptures

like I've got in the lounge.

But where there's art, there's fake art,

and that's why art professor Tessa Turner e-mailed me last week.

-Hello.

-Hi, Phil. I love the show.

Ooh! Did you hear that, Terry? We've got a fan!

Which bit do you like the most?

Um, probably the camerawork - I think it's just top-notch.

OK. Well, you said in your e-mail that you thought there were a bunch

of wrong 'uns creating copies of famous artwork out of this gallery.

That's right, Phil. Only last week, I saw a fake Monet.

Fake Monet? What, like you get in Monopoly?

Not money, MONET.

He's a painter, Terry. Sorry! I mean Phil.

-Sorry, Terry.

-That's fine. Terry, back onto me, please.

So, long story short, we're going to track down these painting pirates,

and I'm going to emerge as the greatest thing

to happen to art since dot-to-dot.

-That's all coming up later in DNN...live.

-Love.

-I mean "live".

-Right, what's going on here?!

We'll see you in a bit.

Terry, flipping 'eck,

you're blushing like a Barnsley football jersey.

Time to head over to Jahmene Mann,

who I believe is looking to introduce

some proper culture to DNN.

That's right, Felicity. Bob, tell me what you think of opera?

Oh. yes, I love all her shows.

She's just so compassionate. And rich.

You're thinking about Oprah Winfrey.

Jahmene asked what you know about op-era.

Oh, you mean all that hoity-toity, fancy singing malarkey?

Can't say I've ever thought about it.

Well, Bob, as we're all about different languages today,

I thought I'd head out to see how you lot

handle singing in Italiano.

Oh, great, Jahmene, this sounds like a thrilling...

HE SNORES

Thanks, Bob. Let's meet the street.

So what do Russell Watson, Katherine Jenkins

and Paul Potts have in common?

That's right, they all sound like they work in your local bank,

but also they sing like this.

BAD OPERATIC SINGING

Only better.

Anyway, today, I'm looking out for Britain's best opera singers.

Bow ties at the ready, let's give it some wellie!

Avanti!

THEY MIME OPERA SINGING

THEY MIME OPERA SINGING

THEY MIME OPERA SINGING

Hello, madam. Can you sing opera?

I don't know. You tell me.

SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY

-Wow!

-SHE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

GLASS SMASHES

Oops!

You're in trouble now, sunshine!

Come on, I didn't know she was going to be good enough to do that!

Come here, you! Come here!

Yaaargh! Yaaargh!

Calm down! Calm down!

Now it's time for today's showbiz news.

Yes, so let's cross to Little Miss Chatterbox herself,

Kelly Fornia.

How's your week been, Kelly?

Oh my wow, Flickster! Are you joking me?

It's been THE best week...EVER.

Obviously, Glastonbury starts...

GIRL FROM IPANEMA PLAYS

Oh, um...

THANKS, KELLY! WHAT ABOUT THIS WEEK'S SHOWBIZ HEADLINES?

OK, here we go. The Hope family on Emmerdale

have way too many sugar lumps in their tea.

There's nothing to cure.

I'm not talking about your thick head.

Hank Zipzer learns never to eat beans before chemistry class.

Everybody remain calm!

And on Young Dracula, Vlad's dad gets stuck

on the world's highest coat hook.

I just think we need to be more sensible!

Brilliant. Guys, who is your favourite TV magician?

Gandalf.

He's a character from Lord Of The Rings.

He's not a real magician.

-Aled Jones.

-He's a TV presenter, not a magician.

-A egg.

-Er, no, Bob, an egg can't...

Honestly, Kelly, what's the point in asking a question

if you don't like my answer?

Anyway, in my big DNN exclusive,

I can reveal the next master of magic - check this out.

Alakazam, besties! That's magic for "Hi, besties."

I'm Kelly Fornia and today,

I'm here with uber-cool new magician the mega-magical Johnny Turbine.

All right, Kelly. Nice to see you.

Can I just say, I love magic.

Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a magician. And a firefighter.

And a dogs' judge at Crufts.

And a molecular geneticist.

Right, well, it's good to be focused.

-Right, will you do a trick for us now?

-Yeah, sure.

-Have to warn you though, I'm not easily impressed.

-OK.

What I'd like you to do is pick a card.

Oh, a whole deck of cards and I get to pick one!

This is like the opposite to Snap - brilliant.

OK, take a card out.

Have a look at it.

Show the viewers.

And put it back in the deck without showing me.

OK.

It's happened. Check your pocket.

My bus pass! Amazeballs! How did you know it would be there?

No, the other pocket.

-I think she's speechless.

-Oh my wow! How do you do that?

You absolutely have to tell me how you did that.

Please, please tell me how you did that.

Kelly, I'm afraid magicians are bound by a solemn vow

never to reveal how they do their tricks.

Magician code-tastic!

You totally didn't answer my question,

which is even better than you answering my question.

So, here are more questions for you not to answer.

Do you have to pass a magic exam before you can be a magician?

Have you got a wand for life or do you get a box of them, like Biros?

Have you ever lost someone's top half?

And who's magic-er? Dynamo or Troy?

Well, where is she then?

What happened to her?

-Look over here, Bobster...

-HOW did she do THAT?

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

She probably just walked over there.

Ooh, I like keeping secrets.

I remember once when my uber-bestie Rachel

told me that she fancied Dave, and I didn't tell anyone...

Ah, the lovely sound of silence!

..and Dave...

Science news now, and researchers have recently revealed that

certain smells have the ability to actually change our emotions.

It's true - every time I have the spicy sausage panini for lunch,

Flicky ends up in tears.

-PHRRRT!

-Ugh.

So there really was only one woman

we could send to investigate such claims.

Here's Nellie Osmond with her special report.

Thank you, Robert.

I'm here at Maison Whiffe in Paris

to find out about a revolutionary new kind of perfume.

So, Dr Ganache,

you run this so-called laboratory,

what's going on?

And don't try and duck the question by being French.

My viewers want answers.

Well, Nellie, unlike conventional fragrances

which simply change the way you smell,

here at Maison Whiffe,

we create scents which change your personality.

So, Nellie, just for you, I have created a range of perfumes,

based on the personalities of your fellow reporters on DNN.

First of all we have Kelly Fornia - bright, positive,

but with a nutty undertone.

Ugh! Honestly, that is...super-awesome!

Oh my wow! It's like smell-mungous!

I feel totally pep-tastic, in fact, new word - dance-tastic!

Next, we have essence de Phil Tyme - old-fashioned, unpredictable,

but with a hint of gooseberry.

Ew! Get a whiff of that.

This is Phil Tyme live for DNN,

asking of these lah-di-dah perfumes

are really worth the daft money they charge.

Here, you're not Terry! Where's Terry? I want Terry.

-GLASS SMASHES

-Oh, cheese and crackers!

-That's the bottle of Davina Wave!

-What?

Howay the lads!

Yes, pets, there's a smell

of stotties in the in the air and

the sweet smell of the Toon Army!

Cheryl Cole for Prime Minister!

Huh! Huh! Huh! Howay!

Et voila - the antidote...

Yes, well, thank goodness for that.

Honestly, I don't really see the point in these.

Unless...

-Here, have squirt of Nellie Osmond.

-No, no, no! Stop that!

Seriously! I'm trying to do a job of work here.

Perfect. These personality perfumes might seem ridiculous at first,

but after seeing these results, I've changed my mind.

This is Nellie Osmond,

improving the world one squirt at a time for DNN.

-BOTH:

-Back to you, Robert.

Well, thanks, er...Nellies!

To talk more about how we can control our personalities,

we're joined in the studio

by Samson Sanderson, who's a horse whisperer.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-Wotcha, Bob.

A very hoarse whisperer.

-HE COUGHS

-Sorry, Felicity.

So, Samson, tell us, just what does a horse whisperer do?

Well, treacle, it's simple really...

I get inside the head of the horse, talk to the horse,

help the horse to overcome any deep-rooted fears.

Exactly, and I thought we could use those horsey powers

to help out our very own travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

Samson, Bea needs you to work your special brand of magic.

Yes, she's scared of her own...

-Shadow! Argh!

-Exactly.

Sorry! Sorry!

Tricky customer. All right, horsey. Calm down. Calm down.

First you have to gain trust, by stroking the horse's mane.

HE WHINNIES

Argh! Motorbike!

Where?

-But avoid eye contact.

-Argh! He's ignoring me!

Or if that doesn't work, look directly into the eyes.

Argh! Massive pupils.

Well, this is going well.

Come on, Samson, you're making me look bad, mate.

Er, then you lean and whisper...

-Argh!

-Stop being scared!

-Argh!

-TINKLING

-Bea?

Bea?

You get back.

Ah, and as you can see,

she's now completely overcome her fear of horse whisperers.

-What can I say? It's a gift.

-Get back.

-It's a stampede! Get back!

-You get back!

-You get back!

-No, you get back.

-You get back!

-You get back!

I think we're going to need a horse-whisperer whisperer.

And on that note, it's the perfect time to take a break.

Don't move a muscle.

I have a signed contract saying you lot have to come back.

And we're clear.

Here, Henry, I'm a bit worried

about all these international versions of DNN.

Reassured as I am that your brain has the ability

to perform basic functions like worrying...

And remembering! I do good remembering.

-Excellent.

-Oh, and em...

Remembering!

Yes, anyway, how can I put your mind at rest?

Yes, um, bit panicky about learning to speak all the other languages.

No, Bob - you don't have to speak the languages, other people will.

-SCREAMING

-Get back! Get back!

I won't need other people to voice my lines.

I speak French, Italian, German, etcetera...

Thanks, Felicity, but other people from other countries

will re-voice your parts.

Voices replaced by a stranger! Argh!

STEVE: And back on in funf, vier, drei, zwei...

No-one likes a show-off, Steve!

Welcome back to DNN. I knew you wouldn't go anywhere!

Time now to batten down the hatches,

as we go over to our very own whirling weathergirl,

the irrepressible Davina Wave.

And not forgetting, of course, my very favourite map.

So...how many other maps do you know?

None.

Ah - so that means Map is also your least favourite map.

Yes, technically. But Mappy's certainly the prettiest map I know.

-And the ugliest.

-And the cleverest.

-And the stupidest.

Oh, no! You're right! Mappy, you boring, stupid, ugly map!

I love you, despite all your flaws!

What have you got for us, Davina?

Today, Flicky, I'll be setting the record for...

Sounds like another great record, Davina!

So, in three...two...one...

go!

Let's start in barmy Bristol,

where it's going to up to 100 degrees centigrade.

That is if you dropped your thermometer in a kettle.

Over in that London, it's going to be canny windy,

so if your on your London Eye,

watch that it doesn't spin around too fast for your...

You might get lucky, you never know -

it might land somewhere amazing like...

I don't know...let us think....

# There's going to be a heat wave

# We're going to be totally bone-dry

# The sun is oot in the Toon

# It's gonna be a heat wave. #

Woo!

There'll a drought in the Tyne and the Wear.

Always use water sparingly. Howay!

Well, Davina, that was really something.

-Brilliant! How did I do?

-You caught 19 balloons.

Howay the lads! Another glorious Geordie victory!

Bringing it home for Newcastle.

-Howay!

-Davina Wave, there.

And Mappy, the greenest map I know.

There's a smell of excitement in the air...

Ah - that's the spicy sausage panini again.

Ugh...so, let's waft on over to the sports locker

to get the latest from Gary Ogden.

Thank you, Felicity.

And Bob - he who denied it supplied it.

I didn't deny it.

In that case, he who declared it...aired it.

Yes, I am Gary Ogden and here are your sports headlines.

Steven Gerrard's pet horse shrinks in the wash.

The Pirate Olympics get off to a disappointing start.

And the England table tennis team admits to having too much free time.

But there's no prizes for guessing what my top story is this week...

Oh, well, obviously, Gary. It's been great so far, hasn't it?

The crowds, the excitement, the colour...

That's right, Bob - everybody's going mad for the wrestling.

-Uh?

-Yeeees, wrestling!

The ancient art of extra large athletes with huge hair

performing belly flops without a pool.

But what does it take to become the king of the ring?

Well, to find out, I sent a man

who knows his Undertakers from his undercrackers -

over to you, Gary...

Thanks, Gary.

I'm stood by this enormous square-shaped ring

with an enormous square-shaped man.

But not just any man - this is the USA's hottest new wrestler,

-Chad Boom.

-Yeah! Boom in the room! Hey! Who is this guy, huh?

Who is this guy?! Ha-ha! Wrestle banter.

Ah, those are big guns - Boom is right.

So, Chad, I want to take you on.

OK, big guy. You wrestled before?

Yes, plenty of times, but not with a person,

with a poodle.

-Yargh!

-First, you need a wrestling name and an outfit.

Way ahead of you, amigo.

They call me...

Manly Gary.

OK, time for some trash talk!

Oh, I love trash talk. OK. Let's give this a go.

Don't you just hate it when you put the rubbish out,

but you've missed the collection so you chase after the truck?

No, this kind of trash talk!

Hey, buddy, you think you can beat me in the ring today, little punk?

You're nothing but a little shrimp in a leotard.

Boom in the room!

That's terrifying.

That's the whole idea. You got to get under your opponent's skin!

-Now you try it.

-OK.

You are a rubbish wrestler and your outfit doesn't match your eyes...

You know what? Let's just fight.

I'm going to get you!

There's a takedown coming!

Ah-ha-ha-ha...

As soon as I can turn...

Do you like that, do you?

Boom!

Do you give up?

-How about now?

-You're wasting my time, punk!

Yes! Victory!

This is wrestling champion Manly Gary for DNN!

Back to you, regular Gary.

Oh, dear.

Thank you, Manly Gary.

And that's the day's sport.

So, Gary, talking about things which are popular overseas,

have you heard that DNN has been sold internationally?

Does that mean I need more jabs? I'm still reeling from my BCG.

No, Gary, we're staying put.

Basically, all our voices are dubbed into foreign languages.

I think we have a clip of you from the Italian version.

WOMAN SPEAKS ITALIAN

Such a...romantic language.

They've made me into womanly Gary.

-Garyella.

-I wouldn't worry about that, Gary.

Wait till you see what they've done to you in Belgium.

What?

SCOOBYDOO-STYLE VOICEOVER

Well, that takes the biscuit.

-Ooh - do you want a biscuit?

-Yes!

-Does Gary want a biscuit?

-Yes!

-Is he a good boy?

-Yes!

-Go get the biscuit...

Go get the biscuit...

Oh, you're such a good boy.

See you next time, Gary.

And stay off the couch!

Now it's back to Phil Tyme and his battle against art frauds.

I bought some lovely art last week.

It's a white ceramic sculpture, with a water feature in the centre,

and it makes a flushing noise.

That's would be a toilet.

Ha-ha-ha...oh, no...

I think you might be right.

Phil, what's happening?

Well, Felicity, Tessa's over there with Terry...

Right, that's just a bit weird.

The art forger is somewhere in the building,

I'm pretending to be a statue, so I can jump out on him.

-It's not very convincing, Phil.

-Oh, sh! He's coming!

OK. They look great!

There she is - magnificent!

Ooh! I don't recognise this piece of art...

THEY SCREAM

Phil Tyme, the people's champion from DNN.

-I've caught you red-handed...

-No!

-What?

-Phil, that's not him.

Look! You made me splash paint on the Mona Lisa!

Oopsie-daisy.

Well, at least it's only a fake, ain't it, Tessa?

I think that's the original, Phil.

Yes, it is! She's visiting galleries all around the world.

She's in England for two days, and you have given her a moustache!

Personally, I think she pulls it off.

Takes the edge off that weird smile.

-Ooh! You Philistine!

-No...Philip Tyme.

You have ruined the greatest work of art in the world

and I am calling the police.

You are the worst thing to happen to art since dot-to-dot!

Am I?

Oh, cheese and crackers!

Terry, that's another thing we've mucked up.

Still, at least we've got each other.

Terry, would you like to go for coffee now?

What?

Terry, where you going?

Send Henry Smart to bail me out and take 'em back.

And send me over a skinny latte.

Phil Tyme there, learning that three is most definitely a crowd.

Bob, we should probably wrap it up for today.

Of course, Felicity.

-FRENCH INTERPRETER:

-Bien sur, Felicity.

-What's that?

-FRENCH INTERPRETER:

-Qu'est-ce que c'est, que ca?

Felicity, the voices are back.

No, Bob, your translator for the French version of DNN has arrived.

Oh. Hello...

Ah. Bonjour.

-So she copies everything I say in French?

-Exactly.

Incredible.

Erm...grapefruit!

-Pamplemousse!

-BOB LAUGHS

Bakery!

Boulangerie!

The swimming pool!

La piscine!

Oh, no, no. I'm not having that on this programme.

Off you go. And wash your mouth out.

Anyway, thanks for tuning in.

I've been the multilingual Felicity Bond.

-Say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob!

-Au revoir, Bob.

-Soap and water!

Ooh, the nerve!

So what's your favourite language, Felicity?

-French, I think. How about you?

-Australian.

-Australian?

-Yep. Can't understand a word of it,

but, boy, does it sound exotic.

Australians speak English, Bob.

Yes, Flicky, but when in Rome...

if I can just get DNN Antarctica to agree to a presenter swap...