Episode 8 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 8

A sideways look at the week's headlines. DNN goes international. Nellie Osmond looks into emotion-altering perfumes and Phil Tyme's latest sting takes him to an art gallery.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Morning, everyone.

-Ah, Henry. Good morning!

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Just polishing up that piece on interest rates.

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Interesting stuff!

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And I'm just trying to get a World Cup quote from Wayne Rooney -

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does anyone know how we might contact him at all?

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I'm happy to help if I can, Gary,

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from one professional to another.

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Excellent stuff. Bea, what's the traffic like today?

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There's nasty snarl-up on the motorway,

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so I'll be jumping into the lovely, noisy DNN helicopter!

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Well, this all sounds fantastic - have a great show, everyone.

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Thanks, boss. Hey, everyone, give it up for Henry.

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-ALL:

-Hen-ry! Hen-ry! Hen-ry!

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Henry, Henry, Henry...

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Oh, no. Tell me that wasn't a dream...

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SHE SCREAMS

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Can you please keep the noise down?

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I'm trying to do a job of work here!

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This is the best way to do doggy paddle!

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THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

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Steve! Fetch me a duvet. I'm going back in.

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Hello. Welcome to DNN -

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I'm the never shaken, never stirred Felicity Bond.

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I'm Bob Roberts.

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This is King Henry the Ape and these are today's headlines.

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The new sci-fi series "Doctor Loo" gets off to a shaky start...

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A cat regrets eating an entire live salmon.

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And a young Jedi turns to the dark side

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when he spots a Jar Jar Binks figure.

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But our big story this week is

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the fact that DNN has gone international.

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Yes, I've heard the rumours, Felicity,

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and I'm a bit worried, if I'm honest.

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You know I'm not allowed to leave the country.

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Bob, all it means is that versions of DNN have been translated

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for viewers all over Europe to watch -

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have a look at this from Spain.

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VOICEOVER IN SPANISH

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Wow. A Spanish Davina. That's incredibly confusing.

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Why aye, Bob man,

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even I don't know what I'm saying, like.

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What's Spain got that Newcastle hasn't? Shearer!

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Why aye! Ho-way!

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Actually, can we get the Spanish one back, please?

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And now it's time to head over

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to our investigative reporter Phil Tyme.

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I'd be a great investigative reporter, Flicky.

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I've even made my own magnifying glasses.

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Aye, aye!

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Good luck with those on Dragons' Den.

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Phil, what's going on with you?

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Well, Felicity, as you can see, I'm in a local art gallery.

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Now, we all love art -

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whether it's a picture of some lovely sunflowers

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or one of them singing fish sculptures

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like I've got in the lounge.

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But where there's art, there's fake art,

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and that's why art professor Tessa Turner e-mailed me last week.

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-Hello.

-Hi, Phil. I love the show.

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Ooh! Did you hear that, Terry? We've got a fan!

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Which bit do you like the most?

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Um, probably the camerawork - I think it's just top-notch.

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OK. Well, you said in your e-mail that you thought there were a bunch

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of wrong 'uns creating copies of famous artwork out of this gallery.

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That's right, Phil. Only last week, I saw a fake Monet.

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Fake Monet? What, like you get in Monopoly?

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Not money, MONET.

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He's a painter, Terry. Sorry! I mean Phil.

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-Sorry, Terry.

-That's fine. Terry, back onto me, please.

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So, long story short, we're going to track down these painting pirates,

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and I'm going to emerge as the greatest thing

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to happen to art since dot-to-dot.

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-That's all coming up later in DNN...live.

-Love.

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-I mean "live".

-Right, what's going on here?!

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We'll see you in a bit.

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Terry, flipping 'eck,

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you're blushing like a Barnsley football jersey.

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Time to head over to Jahmene Mann,

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who I believe is looking to introduce

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some proper culture to DNN.

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That's right, Felicity. Bob, tell me what you think of opera?

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Oh. yes, I love all her shows.

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She's just so compassionate. And rich.

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You're thinking about Oprah Winfrey.

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Jahmene asked what you know about op-era.

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Oh, you mean all that hoity-toity, fancy singing malarkey?

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Can't say I've ever thought about it.

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Well, Bob, as we're all about different languages today,

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I thought I'd head out to see how you lot

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handle singing in Italiano.

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Oh, great, Jahmene, this sounds like a thrilling...

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HE SNORES

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Thanks, Bob. Let's meet the street.

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So what do Russell Watson, Katherine Jenkins

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and Paul Potts have in common?

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That's right, they all sound like they work in your local bank,

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but also they sing like this.

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BAD OPERATIC SINGING

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Only better.

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Anyway, today, I'm looking out for Britain's best opera singers.

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Bow ties at the ready, let's give it some wellie!

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Avanti!

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THEY MIME OPERA SINGING

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THEY MIME OPERA SINGING

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THEY MIME OPERA SINGING

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Hello, madam. Can you sing opera?

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I don't know. You tell me.

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SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY

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-Wow!

-SHE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

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GLASS SMASHES

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Oops!

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You're in trouble now, sunshine!

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Come on, I didn't know she was going to be good enough to do that!

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Come here, you! Come here!

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Yaaargh! Yaaargh!

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Calm down! Calm down!

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Now it's time for today's showbiz news.

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Yes, so let's cross to Little Miss Chatterbox herself,

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Kelly Fornia.

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How's your week been, Kelly?

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Oh my wow, Flickster! Are you joking me?

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It's been THE best week...EVER.

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Obviously, Glastonbury starts...

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GIRL FROM IPANEMA PLAYS

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Oh, um...

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THANKS, KELLY! WHAT ABOUT THIS WEEK'S SHOWBIZ HEADLINES?

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OK, here we go. The Hope family on Emmerdale

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have way too many sugar lumps in their tea.

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There's nothing to cure.

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I'm not talking about your thick head.

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Hank Zipzer learns never to eat beans before chemistry class.

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Everybody remain calm!

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And on Young Dracula, Vlad's dad gets stuck

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on the world's highest coat hook.

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I just think we need to be more sensible!

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Brilliant. Guys, who is your favourite TV magician?

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Gandalf.

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He's a character from Lord Of The Rings.

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He's not a real magician.

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-Aled Jones.

-He's a TV presenter, not a magician.

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-A egg.

-Er, no, Bob, an egg can't...

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Honestly, Kelly, what's the point in asking a question

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if you don't like my answer?

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Anyway, in my big DNN exclusive,

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I can reveal the next master of magic - check this out.

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Alakazam, besties! That's magic for "Hi, besties."

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I'm Kelly Fornia and today,

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I'm here with uber-cool new magician the mega-magical Johnny Turbine.

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All right, Kelly. Nice to see you.

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Can I just say, I love magic.

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Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a magician. And a firefighter.

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And a dogs' judge at Crufts.

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And a molecular geneticist.

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Right, well, it's good to be focused.

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-Right, will you do a trick for us now?

-Yeah, sure.

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-Have to warn you though, I'm not easily impressed.

-OK.

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What I'd like you to do is pick a card.

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Oh, a whole deck of cards and I get to pick one!

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This is like the opposite to Snap - brilliant.

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OK, take a card out.

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Have a look at it.

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Show the viewers.

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And put it back in the deck without showing me.

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OK.

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It's happened. Check your pocket.

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My bus pass! Amazeballs! How did you know it would be there?

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No, the other pocket.

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-I think she's speechless.

-Oh my wow! How do you do that?

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You absolutely have to tell me how you did that.

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Please, please tell me how you did that.

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Kelly, I'm afraid magicians are bound by a solemn vow

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never to reveal how they do their tricks.

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Magician code-tastic!

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You totally didn't answer my question,

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which is even better than you answering my question.

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So, here are more questions for you not to answer.

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Do you have to pass a magic exam before you can be a magician?

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Have you got a wand for life or do you get a box of them, like Biros?

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Have you ever lost someone's top half?

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And who's magic-er? Dynamo or Troy?

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Well, where is she then?

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What happened to her?

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-Look over here, Bobster...

-HOW did she do THAT?

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I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

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She probably just walked over there.

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Ooh, I like keeping secrets.

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I remember once when my uber-bestie Rachel

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told me that she fancied Dave, and I didn't tell anyone...

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Ah, the lovely sound of silence!

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..and Dave...

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Science news now, and researchers have recently revealed that

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certain smells have the ability to actually change our emotions.

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It's true - every time I have the spicy sausage panini for lunch,

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Flicky ends up in tears.

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-PHRRRT!

-Ugh.

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So there really was only one woman

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we could send to investigate such claims.

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Here's Nellie Osmond with her special report.

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Thank you, Robert.

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I'm here at Maison Whiffe in Paris

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to find out about a revolutionary new kind of perfume.

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So, Dr Ganache,

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you run this so-called laboratory,

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what's going on?

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And don't try and duck the question by being French.

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My viewers want answers.

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Well, Nellie, unlike conventional fragrances

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which simply change the way you smell,

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here at Maison Whiffe,

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we create scents which change your personality.

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So, Nellie, just for you, I have created a range of perfumes,

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based on the personalities of your fellow reporters on DNN.

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First of all we have Kelly Fornia - bright, positive,

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but with a nutty undertone.

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Ugh! Honestly, that is...super-awesome!

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Oh my wow! It's like smell-mungous!

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I feel totally pep-tastic, in fact, new word - dance-tastic!

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Next, we have essence de Phil Tyme - old-fashioned, unpredictable,

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but with a hint of gooseberry.

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Ew! Get a whiff of that.

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This is Phil Tyme live for DNN,

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asking of these lah-di-dah perfumes

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are really worth the daft money they charge.

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Here, you're not Terry! Where's Terry? I want Terry.

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-GLASS SMASHES

-Oh, cheese and crackers!

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-That's the bottle of Davina Wave!

-What?

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Howay the lads!

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Yes, pets, there's a smell

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of stotties in the in the air and

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the sweet smell of the Toon Army!

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Cheryl Cole for Prime Minister!

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Huh! Huh! Huh! Howay!

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Et voila - the antidote...

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Yes, well, thank goodness for that.

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Honestly, I don't really see the point in these.

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Unless...

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-Here, have squirt of Nellie Osmond.

-No, no, no! Stop that!

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Seriously! I'm trying to do a job of work here.

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Perfect. These personality perfumes might seem ridiculous at first,

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but after seeing these results, I've changed my mind.

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This is Nellie Osmond,

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improving the world one squirt at a time for DNN.

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-BOTH:

-Back to you, Robert.

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Well, thanks, er...Nellies!

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To talk more about how we can control our personalities,

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we're joined in the studio

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by Samson Sanderson, who's a horse whisperer.

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-GRUFF VOICE:

-Wotcha, Bob.

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A very hoarse whisperer.

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-HE COUGHS

-Sorry, Felicity.

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So, Samson, tell us, just what does a horse whisperer do?

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Well, treacle, it's simple really...

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I get inside the head of the horse, talk to the horse,

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help the horse to overcome any deep-rooted fears.

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Exactly, and I thought we could use those horsey powers

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to help out our very own travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

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Samson, Bea needs you to work your special brand of magic.

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Yes, she's scared of her own...

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-Shadow! Argh!

-Exactly.

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Sorry! Sorry!

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Tricky customer. All right, horsey. Calm down. Calm down.

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First you have to gain trust, by stroking the horse's mane.

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HE WHINNIES

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Argh! Motorbike!

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Where?

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-But avoid eye contact.

-Argh! He's ignoring me!

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Or if that doesn't work, look directly into the eyes.

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Argh! Massive pupils.

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Well, this is going well.

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Come on, Samson, you're making me look bad, mate.

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Er, then you lean and whisper...

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-Argh!

-Stop being scared!

-Argh!

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-TINKLING

-Bea?

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Bea?

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You get back.

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Ah, and as you can see,

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she's now completely overcome her fear of horse whisperers.

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-What can I say? It's a gift.

-Get back.

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-It's a stampede! Get back!

-You get back!

-You get back!

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-No, you get back.

-You get back!

-You get back!

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I think we're going to need a horse-whisperer whisperer.

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And on that note, it's the perfect time to take a break.

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Don't move a muscle.

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I have a signed contract saying you lot have to come back.

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And we're clear.

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Here, Henry, I'm a bit worried

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about all these international versions of DNN.

0:14:130:14:16

Reassured as I am that your brain has the ability

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to perform basic functions like worrying...

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And remembering! I do good remembering.

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-Excellent.

-Oh, and em...

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Remembering!

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Yes, anyway, how can I put your mind at rest?

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Yes, um, bit panicky about learning to speak all the other languages.

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No, Bob - you don't have to speak the languages, other people will.

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-SCREAMING

-Get back! Get back!

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I won't need other people to voice my lines.

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I speak French, Italian, German, etcetera...

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Thanks, Felicity, but other people from other countries

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will re-voice your parts.

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Voices replaced by a stranger! Argh!

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STEVE: And back on in funf, vier, drei, zwei...

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No-one likes a show-off, Steve!

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Welcome back to DNN. I knew you wouldn't go anywhere!

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Time now to batten down the hatches,

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as we go over to our very own whirling weathergirl,

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the irrepressible Davina Wave.

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And not forgetting, of course, my very favourite map.

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So...how many other maps do you know?

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None.

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Ah - so that means Map is also your least favourite map.

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Yes, technically. But Mappy's certainly the prettiest map I know.

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-And the ugliest.

-And the cleverest.

-And the stupidest.

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Oh, no! You're right! Mappy, you boring, stupid, ugly map!

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I love you, despite all your flaws!

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What have you got for us, Davina?

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Today, Flicky, I'll be setting the record for...

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Sounds like another great record, Davina!

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So, in three...two...one...

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go!

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Let's start in barmy Bristol,

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where it's going to up to 100 degrees centigrade.

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That is if you dropped your thermometer in a kettle.

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Over in that London, it's going to be canny windy,

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so if your on your London Eye,

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watch that it doesn't spin around too fast for your...

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You might get lucky, you never know -

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it might land somewhere amazing like...

0:16:160:16:18

I don't know...let us think....

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# There's going to be a heat wave

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# We're going to be totally bone-dry

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# The sun is oot in the Toon

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# It's gonna be a heat wave. #

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Woo!

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There'll a drought in the Tyne and the Wear.

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Always use water sparingly. Howay!

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Well, Davina, that was really something.

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-Brilliant! How did I do?

-You caught 19 balloons.

0:16:420:16:44

Howay the lads! Another glorious Geordie victory!

0:16:440:16:48

Bringing it home for Newcastle.

0:16:480:16:50

-Howay!

-Davina Wave, there.

0:16:500:16:53

And Mappy, the greenest map I know.

0:16:530:16:55

There's a smell of excitement in the air...

0:16:590:17:01

Ah - that's the spicy sausage panini again.

0:17:010:17:05

Ugh...so, let's waft on over to the sports locker

0:17:050:17:08

to get the latest from Gary Ogden.

0:17:080:17:10

Thank you, Felicity.

0:17:100:17:12

And Bob - he who denied it supplied it.

0:17:120:17:15

I didn't deny it.

0:17:150:17:16

In that case, he who declared it...aired it.

0:17:160:17:19

Yes, I am Gary Ogden and here are your sports headlines.

0:17:190:17:24

Steven Gerrard's pet horse shrinks in the wash.

0:17:240:17:26

The Pirate Olympics get off to a disappointing start.

0:17:290:17:32

And the England table tennis team admits to having too much free time.

0:17:350:17:39

But there's no prizes for guessing what my top story is this week...

0:17:450:17:49

Oh, well, obviously, Gary. It's been great so far, hasn't it?

0:17:490:17:53

The crowds, the excitement, the colour...

0:17:530:17:56

That's right, Bob - everybody's going mad for the wrestling.

0:17:560:17:58

-Uh?

-Yeeees, wrestling!

0:17:580:18:01

The ancient art of extra large athletes with huge hair

0:18:010:18:03

performing belly flops without a pool.

0:18:030:18:06

But what does it take to become the king of the ring?

0:18:060:18:08

Well, to find out, I sent a man

0:18:080:18:10

who knows his Undertakers from his undercrackers -

0:18:100:18:13

over to you, Gary...

0:18:130:18:15

Thanks, Gary.

0:18:150:18:16

I'm stood by this enormous square-shaped ring

0:18:160:18:19

with an enormous square-shaped man.

0:18:190:18:21

But not just any man - this is the USA's hottest new wrestler,

0:18:210:18:25

-Chad Boom.

-Yeah! Boom in the room! Hey! Who is this guy, huh?

0:18:250:18:31

Who is this guy?! Ha-ha! Wrestle banter.

0:18:310:18:34

Ah, those are big guns - Boom is right.

0:18:340:18:37

So, Chad, I want to take you on.

0:18:370:18:39

OK, big guy. You wrestled before?

0:18:390:18:42

Yes, plenty of times, but not with a person,

0:18:420:18:44

with a poodle.

0:18:440:18:45

-Yargh!

-First, you need a wrestling name and an outfit.

0:18:450:18:49

Way ahead of you, amigo.

0:18:490:18:52

They call me...

0:18:520:18:54

Manly Gary.

0:18:540:18:55

OK, time for some trash talk!

0:18:570:19:00

Oh, I love trash talk. OK. Let's give this a go.

0:19:000:19:03

Don't you just hate it when you put the rubbish out,

0:19:050:19:07

but you've missed the collection so you chase after the truck?

0:19:070:19:09

No, this kind of trash talk!

0:19:090:19:11

Hey, buddy, you think you can beat me in the ring today, little punk?

0:19:110:19:14

You're nothing but a little shrimp in a leotard.

0:19:140:19:17

Boom in the room!

0:19:170:19:18

That's terrifying.

0:19:190:19:21

That's the whole idea. You got to get under your opponent's skin!

0:19:210:19:24

-Now you try it.

-OK.

0:19:240:19:27

You are a rubbish wrestler and your outfit doesn't match your eyes...

0:19:270:19:33

You know what? Let's just fight.

0:19:330:19:36

I'm going to get you!

0:19:370:19:39

There's a takedown coming!

0:19:400:19:42

Ah-ha-ha-ha...

0:19:420:19:44

As soon as I can turn...

0:19:440:19:47

Do you like that, do you?

0:19:470:19:48

Boom!

0:19:480:19:50

Do you give up?

0:19:500:19:52

-How about now?

-You're wasting my time, punk!

0:19:530:19:56

Yes! Victory!

0:19:560:19:59

This is wrestling champion Manly Gary for DNN!

0:19:590:20:03

Back to you, regular Gary.

0:20:030:20:05

Oh, dear.

0:20:050:20:07

Thank you, Manly Gary.

0:20:070:20:09

And that's the day's sport.

0:20:090:20:10

So, Gary, talking about things which are popular overseas,

0:20:100:20:13

have you heard that DNN has been sold internationally?

0:20:130:20:17

Does that mean I need more jabs? I'm still reeling from my BCG.

0:20:170:20:21

No, Gary, we're staying put.

0:20:210:20:22

Basically, all our voices are dubbed into foreign languages.

0:20:220:20:25

I think we have a clip of you from the Italian version.

0:20:250:20:28

WOMAN SPEAKS ITALIAN

0:20:300:20:32

Such a...romantic language.

0:20:360:20:38

They've made me into womanly Gary.

0:20:380:20:40

-Garyella.

-I wouldn't worry about that, Gary.

0:20:400:20:42

Wait till you see what they've done to you in Belgium.

0:20:420:20:45

What?

0:20:450:20:46

SCOOBYDOO-STYLE VOICEOVER

0:20:460:20:49

Well, that takes the biscuit.

0:20:520:20:54

-Ooh - do you want a biscuit?

-Yes!

-Does Gary want a biscuit?

-Yes!

0:20:540:20:56

-Is he a good boy?

-Yes!

-Go get the biscuit...

0:20:560:20:59

Go get the biscuit...

0:20:590:21:01

Oh, you're such a good boy.

0:21:010:21:02

See you next time, Gary.

0:21:020:21:04

And stay off the couch!

0:21:040:21:06

Now it's back to Phil Tyme and his battle against art frauds.

0:21:090:21:12

I bought some lovely art last week.

0:21:120:21:15

It's a white ceramic sculpture, with a water feature in the centre,

0:21:150:21:18

and it makes a flushing noise.

0:21:180:21:20

That's would be a toilet.

0:21:200:21:21

Ha-ha-ha...oh, no...

0:21:210:21:24

I think you might be right.

0:21:240:21:26

Phil, what's happening?

0:21:260:21:27

Well, Felicity, Tessa's over there with Terry...

0:21:270:21:31

Right, that's just a bit weird.

0:21:310:21:34

The art forger is somewhere in the building,

0:21:340:21:36

I'm pretending to be a statue, so I can jump out on him.

0:21:360:21:40

-It's not very convincing, Phil.

-Oh, sh! He's coming!

0:21:400:21:43

OK. They look great!

0:21:440:21:47

There she is - magnificent!

0:21:470:21:48

Ooh! I don't recognise this piece of art...

0:21:500:21:52

THEY SCREAM

0:21:520:21:53

Phil Tyme, the people's champion from DNN.

0:21:530:21:55

-I've caught you red-handed...

-No!

-What?

-Phil, that's not him.

0:21:550:21:59

Look! You made me splash paint on the Mona Lisa!

0:21:590:22:03

Oopsie-daisy.

0:22:030:22:04

Well, at least it's only a fake, ain't it, Tessa?

0:22:040:22:06

I think that's the original, Phil.

0:22:060:22:08

Yes, it is! She's visiting galleries all around the world.

0:22:080:22:11

She's in England for two days, and you have given her a moustache!

0:22:110:22:16

Personally, I think she pulls it off.

0:22:160:22:19

Takes the edge off that weird smile.

0:22:190:22:22

-Ooh! You Philistine!

-No...Philip Tyme.

0:22:220:22:25

You have ruined the greatest work of art in the world

0:22:250:22:28

and I am calling the police.

0:22:280:22:30

You are the worst thing to happen to art since dot-to-dot!

0:22:300:22:35

Am I?

0:22:350:22:36

Oh, cheese and crackers!

0:22:360:22:38

Terry, that's another thing we've mucked up.

0:22:380:22:40

Still, at least we've got each other.

0:22:400:22:43

Terry, would you like to go for coffee now?

0:22:430:22:46

What?

0:22:460:22:48

Terry, where you going?

0:22:480:22:50

Send Henry Smart to bail me out and take 'em back.

0:22:500:22:53

And send me over a skinny latte.

0:22:530:22:55

Phil Tyme there, learning that three is most definitely a crowd.

0:22:570:23:00

Bob, we should probably wrap it up for today.

0:23:000:23:02

Of course, Felicity.

0:23:020:23:04

-FRENCH INTERPRETER:

-Bien sur, Felicity.

-What's that?

0:23:040:23:06

-FRENCH INTERPRETER:

-Qu'est-ce que c'est, que ca?

0:23:060:23:08

Felicity, the voices are back.

0:23:080:23:10

No, Bob, your translator for the French version of DNN has arrived.

0:23:100:23:13

Oh. Hello...

0:23:130:23:15

Ah. Bonjour.

0:23:150:23:17

-So she copies everything I say in French?

-Exactly.

0:23:170:23:20

Incredible.

0:23:200:23:21

Erm...grapefruit!

0:23:210:23:23

-Pamplemousse!

-BOB LAUGHS

0:23:230:23:25

Bakery!

0:23:250:23:27

Boulangerie!

0:23:270:23:29

The swimming pool!

0:23:290:23:30

La piscine!

0:23:300:23:32

Oh, no, no. I'm not having that on this programme.

0:23:320:23:35

Off you go. And wash your mouth out.

0:23:350:23:38

Anyway, thanks for tuning in.

0:23:380:23:40

I've been the multilingual Felicity Bond.

0:23:400:23:42

-Say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob!

0:23:420:23:43

-Au revoir, Bob.

-Soap and water!

0:23:430:23:46

Ooh, the nerve!

0:23:460:23:48

So what's your favourite language, Felicity?

0:23:480:23:50

-French, I think. How about you?

-Australian.

0:23:500:23:52

-Australian?

-Yep. Can't understand a word of it,

0:23:520:23:55

but, boy, does it sound exotic.

0:23:550:23:57

Australians speak English, Bob.

0:23:570:23:59

Yes, Flicky, but when in Rome...

0:23:590:24:01

if I can just get DNN Antarctica to agree to a presenter swap...

0:24:020:24:06

Join Bob Roberts and Felicity Bond in the DNN newsroom for a brand new series of hilarious headlines and ridiculous reports into big news stories.

DNN goes international. Meanwhile, Nellie Osmond looks into emotion-altering perfumes, Phil Tyme's latest sting takes him to an art gallery, and Bob and Felicity meet a horse whisperer.

DNN: It's the news, but it's definitely not Newsround!


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