Episode 9 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

-Kelly?

-Hi, Henster!

-Don't call me that.

Jahmene?

Yes, very good.

Felicity?

Henry, may I just say that taking a register is a bit demeaning?

-We're not in school any more...

-The big boys were chasing me!

I stand corrected.

Has anyone seen Nellie?

Yes. Lego hair, doesn't cast a shadow.

BELL TOLLS

I'm always here early.

It's easy to avoid the traffic when you travel like a bat.

Well, Gary's late. I guess we'd better...

-I CAN see you, Gary.

-Oh. Right.

Can you see me now?

Hello, and welcome to DNN.

I'm the delightful Felicity Bond.

I'm Bob Roberts - this is my dangerous face...

And these are the headlines.

The judges on The Voice get a big surprise when they turn around.

-WHITNEY HOUSTON:

-# And I-I-I... #

A record is set for the shortest ever balloon race.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

POP-POP-POP-POP-POP!

And Doctor Who releases a new range of dog kennels.

One, two,

three, four, five...!

But first, today the Chancellor of the Exchequer announced...

I'm going to be on Strictly Come Dancing!

I'm pretty sure he didn't announce that.

No - I hear the producers of Strictly

might want someone from DNN to be a contestant. Ahem!

And you think they'd choose you? You've got two left feet.

That is a medical condition. And I am a brave little soldier.

Anyway, I've got hooves like Jagger.

# This is how we do it... #

Bob - you're on air.

Yes - I am quite light on my feet, Henry. Thanks.

There is to be no, I repeat, no unauthorised dancing.

HE NEIGHS

This is a news show, not some frivolous lightweight entertainment.

This is just like that film where they banned dancing.

-Footloose.

-No, I had it tightened earlier.

Now for our special report, let's cross to the only person

colder than Elsa from Frozen - it's Nellie Osmond.

Thank you, Felicity. Today, I've finally got an investigation

worthy of my talents as a serious journalist.

Questions have recently been raised

about the European Union Agricultural Policy...

I'm sorry, Nellie, we're going to have to come back to you later,

I'm hearing that we have to floss chives in springtime.

He means, "cross live to Phil Tyme."

-Oh.

-You need to get your earwax syringed.

-Yes, not till I've finished growing that candle.

-Hmph -

fine, but only because I'm a professional.

Phil, what are you up to?

Hello, Felicity. Well, as the great Mahatma Gandhi once said,

"Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours."

OK, that's not... Actually, never mind.

But what if you have a proper dodgy set of neighbours?

A bunch who never recycle,

and always use your outside loo without asking?

Well, then, you might just be Geoff,

-the man I'm championing this week. Say hi, Geoff.

-Geoff!

You all right, mate? You seem a little bit out of it.

I'm sorry, I haven't slept all year, Phil.

My neighbours keep playing really loud music, and

frankly I'd be happy if I never saw them again.

I'm so tired I can't even finish my train of... Geoff.

I know exactly what you mean, mate. I keep getting woken up

by SOMEONE coming back from dates with his new girlfriend Tessa.

Yes - you, Terry.

Strolling in at 7:30, smelling of orange juice

and that spray they put in your shoes when you go bowling.

-What are you doing, Geoff?

-I'm ringing my dad.

Give over, Geoff. That's a slipper.

Is it? I'm so tired.

Oh, dearie me. So anyway, viewers, join us later in the show

when Terry and me, we're going to be helping Geoff here

with these rowdy residents. Live!

-Geoff.

-Blimey. We'll see you in a bit.

BOB LAUGHS

Oh. You'll like this.

I had a neighbour once.

No, that's it.

Let's go over now to the reporter hipper than the Hip Hip Hooray

Hippopotamus hip-replacement factory, it's Jahmene Mann.

-What's your report about today, Jahmene?

-Well, Felicity,

today my report is all about throwing some shapes.

How good is Joe or Jane Public at busting a move?

Let's meet the street.

Today, I have a fever. Dance fever!

And my doctor has prescribed me a healthy dose of funk.

That's right - I'm looking for Britain's best dance moves.

So come on - dance like no-one's watching.

Except, instead of no-one, it's everyone at home.

MUSIC: "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

So, people of Britain, you lot have proven beyond any doubt

that you have the get up and go to get down and boogie.

But if there's one thing that I've learnt today,

it's that if you're going to dance with someone,

it's definitely more fun to lead.

-Hey, mate, do you want to show us your best dance moves?

-Hah!

You could not HANDLE my dance moves.

-I think I could.

-Very well...

-La Danza de la Muerte. The dance of death.

-The dance of what?

It has been banned in all the South American countries.

Except Paraguay.

Whoaaaa! I was not expecting that.

And now, we stick a rose in between your teeth, and...

-Oh, no...

-Andale!

Man down... Put this man down!

Thanks, Jahmene.

Not sure you'll be getting a call from Strictly after that...

Hey! Check it out, Jahmene. I've got a brand-new move.

It's a cross between a twerk and a hop.

-A twerp.

-Yes! Good name, Felicity.

Hey, Jahmene - get that er...trending.

Bob Roberts - twerp.

Oh - that's the first autofill when I type your name anyway.

The power of the internet, Flicky.

Let's cross now to the only sports reporter

who thinks Stamford Bridge is a character in Downton Abbey -

it's Gary Ogden. Wow!

Thanks, Not-Bob.

I'm Gary Ogden, this is my mum's blouse,

this is the lovely Janice...

and these are today's sports headlines.

The underwater hide and seek champion

gets tired of waiting to be found.

Hey...! Hey...!

The trainer who taught Liverpool's Daniel Sturridge

how to celebrate is revealed.

# Ohhhh, twisting

# Shake it shake it shake it shake it, baby... #

And there's bad sportsmanship from the third-place runner-up

at the world fishing championships.

Oh...!

Now, recently I reported on the quirky sport of bed-racing,

and it went down so well

that I was urged to cover more furniture-based sports.

So - soon I'll be finding out about chair-swimming, sideboarding

and cabinet-ball... but today - table tennis.

Over to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary.

And joining me is professional ping-ponger Tina Topspin.

Tina, what first attracted you to this thrilling sport?

Well, Gary, I find it really helps you focus,

and I find it very relaxing.

Ah, yes, yes, me too. Nothing gets me off to sleep

better than the old ping-pong.

It's table tennis, Gary, not ping-pong or wiff-waff.

Oh. Has someone let a dog in here?

No - wiff-waff and ping-pong

are words that some people use for table tennis, Gary.

Just like erm...soccer is another name for rugby.

So, let's play a game of wiff-waff.

WIMBLEDON THEME

Right, so, where's the court?

-No, we don't play on a court, Gary, we play on a table.

-Oh, a table?

-Oh, I see, yes, that's why we call it ping-pong.

-No, it's table tennis.

Exactly because we play on a ping. Right, remind me where you go.

-Get off there. You'll break it.

-Ah, no, a break is in snooker, Tina.

-Are you sure you've actually played this before?

-Get off.

I thought you said this relaxed you.

Someone's a fibber.

So, where are the handles and the little rows of men?

No, that's table football, Gary. This is ping-pong.

-I mean, table tennis.

-Oh, my gosh. Are those the racquets?

-Well, no, they're bats.

-They're ickle.

-They're not ickle.

-Well, they're smaller than mine.

-Right. Ditch that, pick up a bat.

OK, Mrs Wiff-waff, hit me with your best shot.

THEME FROM ROCKY

Howzat?

You missed.

-15-0.

-What are you doing?

Match point. I've already got the hang of ping-pong.

It's table tennis. Grr.

All right, OK, Mrs Wiff-waff. Well, that is woof-pong.

It's not relaxing at all. Back to you, Gary.

Gah!

Thanks, Gary.

And that's nearly all we've got time for from the Sports Locker.

Apart from this, the Rumba.

-Gary, stop that.

-Oh, come on, Henry, let us compete. We'll clean up.

Gary, someone wants to cut in.

Oh, why yes, Lucy, you may have this stance.

Sorry, Janice, but I've found a real woman.

Oh, this is my sixth form leavers' dance all over again.

Well, I will do know what I did then.

IRISH JIG

Well, no, that isn't how you hold table tennis bats, but, yes,

I am number one.

So, let's return now to our Special Reporter, Nellie Osmond.

Thank you, Felicity. Yes, everyone is talking about

the recent amendments to EU Agricultural policy.

But what will this mean to... Who's changed my headline?

That is just childish.

I'm sorry, Nellie, we have to stop you there anyway

because we've got an exclusive interview with

the word's greatest, possibly only, mime escape artist,

Ivana Breakfree.

You're interviewing a mime artist? She can't even speak.

This is preposterous.

Yada-yada. So, Ivana... Hang on a second, I've forgotten my pen.

# Ta-ta-ta, do-do-do... #

What do I need a pen for? I don't.

# Ba-ba-ba, tara-tara. #

Bob. Are you dancing?

Why, Henry? Are you asking?

Hang on. Henry, is that guy behind you wearing non-regulation socks?

Really? Where?

SWAN LAKE THEME

My mistake.

So, today, Ivana will be performing her world famous,

imaginary handcuff underwater escape, with sharks.

(I just added the sharks.) Ivana, take it away.

She will be shackled in handcuffs.

I can confirm they are secure. Oh, yes.

Now she's going to plunge into the glass tank full of water.

Oh! Splashy.

The top of the tank is padlocked... Go!

-She's got to do all of this before she runs out of Oxo cube.

-Oxygen.

Yeah. That. The handcuffs are off. Watch out for the shark!

-It's got a machine gun!

-What?

Only the padlock on the lid to undo now... Oh!

There seems to be a problem.

She can't! She's trapped!

We need to break the glass. Felicity, sing something.

Oh, for goodness' sake. There's no water, no tank, no padlock,

no handcuffs, no shark, and no machine gun.

None of it is real.

Felicity! You didn't cry at the first ten minutes of Up.

We have to go to a break now. We'll be back after these messages.

-And we're on a break.

-Can someone find a bath for this shark?

Bob, Felicity, a word.

BOTH: Simultaneous.

Bob, you are not allowed to book interview guests ever again.

And will everybody please stop dancing?

Why on earth would anyone choose you two to be on their show?

There's a long tradition of newsreaders taking part

in Strictly, Henry. Susanna Reid, Bill Turnbull, Harry Judd.

Harry Judd is not a newsreader, Bob.

You clearly haven't you seen the McFly-o-clock News.

Henry, when will I get to do my report? I'd better not

get bumped from the show. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I wouldn't worry about that, Nellie. I'm not too keen on you now.

And, remember, no more dancing.

It's not a real shark.

And back on in five, six...

Five, six seven, eight.

Welcome back. Still to come in the show, Kelly Fornia meets Turbo.

Don't forget Mappy. And the pink woman.

And Nellie Osmond's thrilling report on recent changes

to the EU Agricultural policy. But, first, what is that?

This is my ant farm, Felicity.

Oh! Oh! Oh, dear. Oh, no, I've spilt ants all over myself.

I'll just have to try and shake them off

in a rhythmic and Saturday primetime TV way,

which is definitely not dancing, ow.

Oh! Ow! They've got actually got jaws. Ow. Oh! Oh! Get them off.

Get them off. Oh. This seemed a good idea at the time. Ow.

For showbiz news, let's go over to the woman who is more happy

than Pharrell on a waltzer, it's Kelly Fornia.

-Hi, Flickster.

-They're nesting!

-Hey, Bobster.

I've had the most amaze week.

Someone stole my identity.

-You seem pretty happy about that, Kelly.

-I am.

Someone is such an uberfan, they're pretending to be me.

I mean, yeah, they also got access to my bank account and have

framed me for loads of crimes, and they'll almost definitely go

to prison, or I will, but how cool is that? Someone wants to be me?

-Kelly.

-Yepster?

-Entertainment headlines?

Sure thing. First up, werewolf hands on Emmerdale.

I'll make it up to him, I promise.

On Young Dracula,

one of Vlad's enemies struggles with a very mild korma.

And on Dani's House,

we finally find a suitable dance partner for Gary Ogden.

Why am I wearing a pink tutu?

Now, it is glittery-amaze-balls that the Strictly producers

are watching because guess what my report today is all about?

-Cat-whittling?

-That is not a thing.

Nope, dancing.

Run...

..VT.

Hey, besties. How good is dancing?

It's like walking but even better because it's got added tunes.

I'm here to meet a style choreographer who is going

to help me to make up a brand-new dance. A brance.

New word alert.

-It's only Turbo!

-What's up, Kelly?

Turbo, you are my favourite dance judge ever.

Alongside judge Alesha, judge Bruno, judge Darcey, and Judge Judy.

Wait, wrong type of judge.

But I still totally respect your opinion. Your honour.

OK, first, what's your favourite type of dance?

-Oh, definitely street dance.

-OK, we can...

Alongside disco, and jazz, and mambo,

and conga, and tango, and samba, and Simba...

No, he's a lion, right? Shouldn't we get started?

FUNKY SAXOPHONE DANCE MUSIC

OK, guys. Turbo has made me my very own dance moves

-all based on my personality, right?

-Right.

-Exclusive-abulous.

OK, excited rabbit.

Excited monkey.

Excited child.

Excited wardrobe.

And excited rainbow.

And, Oh...my...wow!

Thanks, Turbo. You're my bestie forever.

Kelly Fornia here, guys,

throwing the best news shapes since the triangle.

Amaze-brance!

So, that's all the entertainment news from me...Kelly Fornia.

Well, this is a turn up for the books. She's learned to stop talking.

That's not Kelly Fornia, Bob.

Oh, my-evil-twin-wow. It's my imposter!

There's two of them. Wait. How do we know which is the imposter?

It's the one with the beard.

We'll have to ask a question to which only the real

-Kelly Fornia would know the answer.

-It's the one with the beard, Bob.

-What number am I thinking of?

-Oh, for goodness' sake.

Oh-my-wow. Thanks, Nellie, that's really...

Enough of this blether. It must be time for my special report now.

Sorry, Nellie. Davina needs you outside to help

with her weather report. And take the real Kelly,

whichever one she is, with you.

I'm trying to do a job of work here.

Well, can you go and do it there?

SHE SIGHS

And now to our terrified travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.

Flicky, ssh. Get down.

Hello? Are you there?

-Boo!

-Agh!

Ha-ha! Where are you today, Bea?

Well, I'm at the port, and I'm not fine.

Because only two minutes ago, I saw with my own eyes a car eating boat.

-What?

-It came right up to the shore, opened its mouth,

and then dozens of cars drove straight in.

It just gobbled them up! Why would they do that, Bob?

Why would they give up their lives so easily?

I don't know, Bea. It's such a tragic waste.

It's called a car ferry, you two.

In a few minutes, the cars come out the other end.

Seriously?

It eats them and then they come out the other end?

That's terrifying.

It's disgusting, is what it is.

Is there any traffic news at all, Bea?

There are roadworks on the A1010101,

and the A...

-FERRY HORN

-Agh! The Vikings!

I think I'm going to be si...

SHE VOMITS

Oh, dear. Bea, are you all right?

An update. There's been a spillage causing delays on the...

on that road over there.

Bea Rhodes, everyone.

Keeping us up-to-date on what she had for lunch.

Now, look to the skies. Is it a bird?

Is it a plane? No, it's...

-The weather.

-Yes, it is.

So, let's go over to Davina Wave and Map.

-Hello, Mappy!

-Hello, Bob and Flicky!

Mappy. I've drawn us a picture.

That's you, that's me, and we're doing the maparena.

OK.

So, Davina, what record are you going to set today?

Well, today, Flicky, I'm setting the record for...

most TV News Reporters Jumped Over During A 45 Second Weather Report.

All right, Davina, in three, two, one...

Here we go! Starting in Sheffield...

Home to my close personal friend,

Jessica Ennis-Hill. It's Ennis-Hill.

It's going to be so freezing,

that your Yorkshire Terriers will be even yappier than usual.

Proper unlucky, that, like.

Ha! Someone's just met the street.

In that London...

Boing!

..it'll be windier than a windsock in a windmill with

a bad case of wind watching Sam and Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up.

-BOING

-Well, this isn't demeaning at all.

And finally the weather in... NEWCASTLE!

Switch!

The sun'll be shining.

Boing! People will be as happy as...

Boing!

..the chip van man on Bigg Market during match day.

-Haway!

-Time's up.

How did I do?

Well done, Davina, you leaped over seven news reporters.

Wahoo!

Victory dance break.

For goodness' sake.

-Davina Wave and the DNN news team there.

-And Mappy.

Now it's back to Phil Tyme to see if he can fix the neighbour nuisance.

I'm guessing no.

Ugh, can you imagine being next door to someone so annoying?

Yes. Phil, go.

You join me as I'm about to confront Jeff's noisy neighbours.

Stay on your toes, Terry, just in case it turns nasty.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, hello.

-Zip it, you.

I am Phil Tyme, the People's Champion,

-and I'm here to tell you that you're horrible people.

-I'm sorry?

So you should be. You're rude,

you're loud, and your neighbour, Jeff, says he hopes

he never sees you again for as long as he lives.

So, do the decent thing for once in your life and move out.

-Jeff said that?

-Yes, he did. He wants you on. Gone!

-Gone, gone, gone!

-Stop it, you're being really rude. Jeff!

I've literally nowhere else to be. Gone, gone, gone.

All right, all right, well,

if he wants us to leave, then we'll leave. Please, leave us alone.

Wahey! Nice one, Terry.

Hey, if you want something sorting, call in the Tyme-inator! Jeff!

I think you won't be having any more problems from them neighbours, pal.

Really? You spoke to the people at number 178?

178? Well, who lives here?

Steve and Gertrude, my best friends in the world.

If it wasn't for them, I'd totally lose the plot.

Oh, cheese and crackers, Jeff.

-Why, Phil? Why?

-Goodbye, Jeff. No!

-Steve, Gertrude! Wait!

-No need to thank me.

LOUD THUMPING MUSIC

Will you keep it down in there? Some of us are trying to work.

Oh, blimey. Take them back, Terry.

And you'd better not tell this story on your next date.

I will not be the subject of flirty banter.

Right, enough of that ninny.

It's time for my special report into the EU agricultural policy.

-Nellie, I am so sorry...

-She's not going to take this well.

Henry is telling me that's all we have time for on the show.

But I finally have a story worthy of a serious,

professional journalist, ie, me.

I've never seen her like this. I think she may lose control.

-I'm so sorry, Nellie, we need to go...

-This is not acceptable.

-SHOUTS:

-I AM A PROFESSIONAL... AAARRGGH!

AAARRGGH!

Who left those bins there?

AAARRGGH!

-AAARRGGH!

-Back!

AAARRGGH!

AAARRGGH!

Nellie?

-PHONE RINGS

-What?

Hello?

It's the Strictly producers.

Well, yes, I'd love to... Oh...

Telly, it's the Nellie-phone for you. No. Scratch that - the reverse.

Yes?

You want ME to be on Strictly Come Dancing?

No. Seriously, I'm trying to do a job of work here.

Say goodbye, Bob.

Goodbye, Bob.

-May I have this dance?

-Come on, team.

BOTH: Keep...dancing!

Oh, Flicky, you're crushing my garlic.

Well, you know what they say -

if you can't beat them, go home.