Episode 10 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Thanks, Steve. I hate opening these.

So depressing.

Yeah. Fanmail, eh?

-No, it's a payslip!

-Oh.

You get fanmail?

You get paid?

Well, this isn't going to keep me in sports bras.

You know Huw Edwards released his own range of microwave meals.

Fiona Bruce has got a lipstick... You know what I'm thinking?

About how great it would be if My Little Ponies existed in real life?

-No!

-Then no, we're not on the same wavelength.

I'm thinking we'd make millions by releasing our own DNN merchandise!

Lipstick's not my area, but blusher maybe...

No, merchandise based on us!

Oh, right! Yep, I knew that. Let's do it.

Though, I don't mind wearing the lipstick...

Hello, welcome to DNN, I'm the unruffled Felicity Bond.

And I'm Bob Roberts.

This is Kevin the karaoke banana.

# No, no, not I

# I will survive... #

And these are today's headlines:

A cat remembers she's not unplugged her hair-straighteners.

New footage reveals the world's first reverse lumberjack.

And, Dumbo's piano teacher suspects he's not done his practice.

TUNELESS PIANO PLAYING

But our top story today is the shocking news that scientists

have discovered everyone on the planet will lose their hair

in exactly seven days' time!

What?!

They're advising people to panic, act fast and to stock up on wigs.

Luckily, the 80% genuine Bob Roberts wig of hair

is available from this very day.

In other, less shocking news...

Bob! You've completely made up that story

to try and scare our viewers into buying your wigs!

Henry, how dare you insult my integrity as a journalist?!

Buy one get one free.

Well, from one harebrained scheme to another,

it's Phil Tyme, with today's consumer sting.

Where are you this week, Phil?

Well, Felicity, let's just say, I'm wasting my time here,

and that's the tooth!

I'm at a dentist. Come on, keep up!

So, what's the story? Fillings going missing?

False teeth attacking people?

I wish, Felicity.

This week, I'm investigating a dentist who doesn't give out

stickers to her patients.

Oh, that's just...

Boring, Felicity, proper boring.

We've had nothing on the e-mails this week.

It's either this or one from Terry's fiancee, Tessa,

complaining about how he never cuts his toenails.

Fiancee? Terry's getting married?

Congratulations, Terry!

All right, all right. Back to business.

Scott, tell us about how your dentist doesn't give out pogs.

Stickers, Phil. She doesn't give out stickers.

Whatever. And that cheeses you off, does it?

Yes! I love stickers. I've got a collection of over 7,000 in my room.

Some are Star Wars stickers, some are football stickers,

some are stickers I've made with a copy of the Beano

and double-sided sticky tape.

Anyway, I was one off completing my dentist sticker collection

when this dentist tells me that I'm too old for stickers!

Well, you are too old for stickers.

Focus, Terry!

You're a fully grown man, Scott!

I resent your tone. Anyone of any age can enjoy stickers.

Hey, it's like we say at Sticker Club.

There's nothing sicker than a stickler for stickers.

Oh, give me strength!

Well, there you have it. Stay tuned because later I'll be confronting

this dentist about...stickers. Oh, for Pete's sake!

It's coming up later, live!

-Oh, do DNN do stickers?

-No, we do not.

We'll see you in a bit. Get a grip!

Thanks, Phil. We'll be back to get an update

on your fight for sticker justice later.

Actually, Phil isn't quite right you know, Felicity.

You can say that again, Bob.

No, I mean about the DNN stickers.

He obviously hasn't heard about the official

Bob Roberts sticker collection.

Yes, Felicity. Available now via my official website.

There are just 1,387 stickers to collect.

Only £1 a pack.

Bob! This is not news. Move on!

Actually, Henry, I've got doubles of Bob Mechanic,

Bob Aldrin and Captain Bob-beard.

If that's not news I don't know what is.

Would you care to do any swaps?

I would, yes. You for a half eaten potato.

Oh, I didn't know you cared!

Oh, that's so nice.

Now, who gets the half-eaten potato?

Time now to get all the latest from Planet Sport.

Yes, so let's cross to Gary Ogden. You look smart, Gary.

Thanks, Bob.

Yes, this is the sports locker. More on this kit later.

These are the sports headlines:

Road workers take on the high jump with rubber drills.

A boy takes the lead at the soap on a rope juggling championships.

And, Rex falls short at the doggy long jump contest.

Now, obviously everyone's looking forward to the World Cup Final,

but once that's over, what will we have to fill the sporting gap?

Well, my top story this week is all about a new sport in town.

It's the fastest growing game in this studio,

and the most exciting thing is, I invented it!

Felicity, if you'd care to pop over and help me demonstrate.

-All right, Gary.

-I've called it Ogball.

It's a cross between snooker, bowling, and t'ai chi,

so we can sell it to the Far East, where the money is.

OK, strike a pose, Felicity, you're up first.

Oh, yes, that is a strong opening position you've gone for there,

the Rampant Mackerel.

White to serve first.

KLAXON

Ah, now you're offside there.

What? How?!

And also...

checkmate. Advantage Gary.

Which means we move straight to the dry swimming round,

with this futuristic piece of equipment.

That's an ironing board!

No, it's the Ogball Dry Swimming Board 2000.

It's your mum's ironing board. She's even left her undies on it!

As you can see, it's perfect for anyone who wants to swim

but doesn't want the hassle of getting wet. Go!

Watch you don't cross lines there, Felicity!

What? Oh for...

Careful of the floating water monkey!

This is the most pointless...

KLAXON

Felicity, you're offside again, I'm afraid,

so that is game, set, match, Ogden!

Yes!

Well, Felicity. Well played, unlucky.

Gary, this is just some nonsensical scheme

to sell Ogball merchandise.

Not at all, Felicity,

but Ogball sets are available at the bargain price of £89.64.

Bargain!

But, just to explain where you went wrong,

there are over 700 ways you can be offside in Ogball,

all of which are in this Rule Book.

You'll just have to take my word for it.

I was not offside, Gary! Give me the book.

Yes, you were! No! No, no, no!

Sian! Sian!

THEY CONTINUE ARGUING

Mind my glasses! Oh!

Now was I offside, Gary?

It appears you were actually onside, Felicity.

So, let's call it a draw. Anyway, that's Ogball.

Back to you, Bob.

I'm no expert... Well, I am an expert,

but I think you might need to simplify the rules there.

Anyway, thank you, Gary.

My pleasure!

Time to cross to the silver-tongued Jahmene Mann,

who I believe is all about the big screen today!

That's right, Felicity.

Tell me, what is your best film character impression?

Here's a clue. Are you ready, kids?

I don't know, is it a minion from Despicable Me?

No, Jahmene, of course not!

Is it Winnie The Pooh?

-No!

-We're kidding, Bob. We know it's Spongebob Squarepants.

It isn't! It's Holly Willoughby.

But she's not a movie...

Forget it. Anyway, I reckoned you lot...

Did you really not get it? Is it the hair?

I reckoned you lot out there could make some mean movie magic.

So, let's meet the street!

When it comes to exclusive interviews with Hollywood A-listers,

you only need to watch one show.

No, sorry, you only need to watch The One Show.

Most big actors go on there to shout about their films.

But today on DNN, we are giving them a run for their money

because I'm on the lookout for Britain's best movie stars.

Lights, camera, action!

The force is strong!

Superman.

Spider-Man.

This sign will destruct in five seconds.

TOGETHER: Live long and prosper.

Elasti-girl!

Ahhh! It's King Kong!

No, it's just me, Jahmene Mann!

Hello, mate, can you do any film impressions?

-You what?

-You know, like voices from movies?

I'll do one for you.

Oh, Kermit, I can't believe I'm falling in love with a frog!

Miss Piggy.

-I beg your pardon?

-Miss Piggy.

-Are you insulting my wife?

-No, you know, the Muppets!

He's having a go at both of us now!

-We are not Muppets!

-Get him, Keith!

No, no! Hasta la vista, baby!

Man down, man down!

Food news now, with the story about how a mum encouraged her son

to eat more healthily by turning his lunch into a work of art.

To investigate this growing trend of stimulating school dinners,

here's "legend in her own lunchtime" Nellie Osmond

with her special report.

Thank you, Robert.

Now, if you think making a packed lunch is easy, think again.

You put in chocolate vermicelli, are you for real?

Beats your bubble infused rat any day!

Because, for parents like Calista and Lorraine,

creating an elaborate lunchtime treat has become all out war.

What it is, yeah, she started giving it all that

with her locked sealed containers, yeah,

making out she's queen of the sandwiches,

so I stepped it up, boom!

With a brown paper bag?

That is a New York deli experience. Open it!

'Hey, get out of this street, buddy!'

See? Ain't nobody gonna beat that!

I could beat that.

Mrs Reporter lady, you are on. Home time, school gates, bring it.

With my challenge accepted, Kenneth Ledge from training company

Lunch Box Boot Camp, volunteered to get me up to speed.

OK, Nellie! Say your knife was broken, what do you do?

Er... Get another knife?

No! You improvise with what you've got. Go! Go! Go!

Disgusting. I'm trying to do a job of work here.

Go! Go! Go!

It wasn't easy, but after a gruelling 30-minute programme,

I was finally ready.

OK, Calista.

Let's do this.

Three, two, one, draw.

One vegetable portrait of Beyonce.

One London Eye cookie with chocolate pods.

And, a Scotch egg that looks like Ed Sheeran. Boom!

One 24-carat golden delicious.

One highly decorated juice box with real diamonds.

And one smart sandwich.

That works.

What do you have two say to that, Calista?

Ha-ha! You lose! You get in my face again,

you'll be wearing them super fruity yoghurts!

So, as you can see, this petty competitiveness can get out of hand.

But the fact is, I won, and I have the footage to prove it.

End of.

Back to you, Robert.

Thanks, Nellie. I ate a packed lunch today you know, Felicity.

Really, Bob?

Well, I say packed lunch, I mean the spaghetti in my pocket.

OK...

Time for us to take a break now, but don't go anywhere!

Yes, we'll be back after these brief,

but very important, messages.

The spaghetti's gone now and Bob's a little sad.

And we're clear.

OK, gather round, everyone, I'd like a word, please.

Yep-er-roony, Henster. How about...madvertising?

Oooh, new word.

Right. Now, all this plugging has to stop.

Er, think it through, Henry!

If we don't plug things in, we won't have electricity

for the lights or these...filmy box monsters.

Hey, there's Phil on the TV.

Smells! You hate them, I hate them, but we all make them.

Get rid of those nasty whiffs with this.

The DNN Cheese and Crackers Air Freshener.

It's guaranteed to shift any strong smelling odours, air biscuits,

or even the stench of Terry's scotch eggs.

And they proper stink!

So don't delay, go Cheese and Crackers today.

Now with dangly ones for the van.

Right! That is enough.

Can we please just carry on with the programme,

and no more promoting your unofficial DNN merchandise!

-I'm confiscating everything.

-Back on in ten.

Right, we all heard Henry. No more advertising unofficial merchandise.

-He took your wig!

-Yeah, well, at least it's gone to a needy home.

Hello, and welcome back to DNN.

Now, it's time to set the official Beatrice Rhodes sat nav

for a travel update.

At the next sign of traffic, turn into a nervous wreck.

-Hello, Bea?

-Oh, hang on, Bea. Is that a crocodile behind you?

What?! Aaaargh!

Stop it, Bob. There's nothing there, Bea.

Actually, it looks like there isn't much traffic there either.

Here on the B54321, major roadworks are in place,

which, I'm happy to say,

have brought the traffic to a lovely, peaceful standstill.

Hear that, Bob?

No... My ears!

Who's stolen my ears?!

-I think Bea's point is that there is no noise.

-Ah!

I did NOT put these traffic cones out myself

to block the road off and make it more peaceful, Felicity! No way!

What?! You can't shut the road down like that, Bea!

-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

-SHE SINGS TO HERSELF

Bea, you're breaking the law!

And you're blocking the route to my hair appointment after the show.

Fine. I'll get rid of them.

I've got another way I can stop the traffic, anyway.

Haha! What are you going to do? Dress up as a lollipop lady?

I'm going to dress up as a lollipop lady!

Clever.

Thanks, Bob. Reporter one, traffic nil!

Bea, you may be able to keep the traffic at bay,

but there's one thing you've forgotten. Pedestrians.

-What? Aaargh!

-Can I just...

-Get back! No!

-Can I get by?

-Yeah, just...

-No, get back! Aaaargh!

-Get back, get back!

-Bea Rhodes, there.

Well, my ears are certainly working again.

Reach for the volume button, it's time for the showbiz news.

Certainly is, Felicity, so let's head over to

our own prattling pop princess Kelly Fornia for all the latest.

Hi, Bobster, hi, Flickster!

This week has been tote-ally amay-zing!

OK, I went to the launch of a photo exhibition

called Selfies Of The Stars, right,

and you're never going to guess what the idea was. Guess, go on!

-Well, it's...

-No, you won't get it!

It was photos taken by stars... of themselves!

Selfies are totally the best photos in the world

because someone takes the picture and someone's in the picture...

-Kelly...

-..but there's only one person to do both jobs,

-which is amazing!

-Sounds awesome, Kelly, but headline news...?

Yeah, sorry, Flickster! OK, well, first off, we've got...

open auditions begin for Quidditch: The Musical.

The world's first talking trump pops up on Young Dracula.

I did it!

IT GIGGLES Hang on. Where are me wigs?

And excitement as Shrek turns up on Emmerdale!

Then it'll be Mum and Dad stuff, like you and Ashley.

But what I'm uber-excited about this week is fashion.

Have you ever wondered where all those super-cool

film and pop stars get their shamazing outfits from?

-No!

-Really? I think about it all the time.

So, to find out,

I went to meet the hottest thing in fashion right now.

Check it out!

Hi, Missy!

Every year, the world's most hem-tastic designers

come to Germany to show off their latest creations.

Yes, I'm here at the strut-ily amazing Berlin Fashion Week

and I am so excited to meet brand-new designer, Vivienne Velcro!

Hello, darlink.

Vivienne, you've agreed to give us a sneaky peek at your new collection,

so tell us all about it.

-Well, it's rubbish.

-Er, no, Vivenne. It's tra-mazing!

No, I mean, it's rubbish. It's all made from objects I found

when I was clearing out my husband's shed.

-That is totally environmentally friendly.

-I know!

So, you vant to buy it? It's £70,000.

-HONKS HOOTER

-Ouch! Mega-bunts!

Well, this dress is totally sheeking me out right now.

But let's hear what the critics think.

Because this is one of the world's greatest fashion gurus,

it's Valentino Gluck.

-Valentino,

-high-five! Er...no.

Oh, yeah, you're right. High fives are SO last year.

Valentino, this dress. Is it the future of fashion?

-Oh! It's rubbish.

-I know, right? How exciting!

Er, no, no, no, I mean, it's a-terrible.

It bores Valentino. Ugh!

-What, you hate it?

-Si!

It makes Valentino sick. Bleurgh!

It's totally in right now.

-It is?

-Absolutely.

In that case, I love this dress!

-Out of my way, news puppet. Vivenne!

-Mmm...

You must call me tomorrow, OK?

Jennifer Lawrence needs to wear this dress.

Bellissimo! Oh, my wow! This is a total fashion switcheroo exclusive!

I'm Kelly Fornia, here with the next big thing,

and I'm saying back to the studio!

Oh. My. Wow.

How cool was that? Fashion is just fantastic, isn't it?

It's fash-tastic!

Because clothes are cool and then they're not

and the ones that weren't cool then are cool now and then they're not...

-Ahem!

-Oh, hi, Bobster.

Kelly, can I just show you this rather natty fashion item?

It's the official DNN Bob Roberts snood.

Oh, my wow! I heart snoods!

When they came out I was totally like, new word alert!

-Snoooood...snoooood...

-That's basically how you wear it.

It might impede your speech slightly

but that's the price you pay for fashion.

Kelly, I think we've found your perfect look.

SHE MUMBLES

Time for the weather now with the Queen of the Geordies,

Davina Wave and her sidekick Map.

Yay, Mappy!

Howay man, Bob and Felicity!

Now, nay Map today, I'm afraid.

-He's had a little accident.

-Oh, no!

Ah, he's fine, man, Bob.

Just needs a couple of stitches, ya naah, in his East Anglia.

Stop everything right now.

I'm sorry, Davina, but I'm going to have to cancel today's weather.

-What?!

-Well, one, no Mappy makes Bob unhappy.

And two, I've actually secured an exclusive interview

with a Hollywood superstar who happens to be in the building.

Ohhh! Well, nae bother.

I suppose I'll just head back to baking me stottie cakes. Howay!

Yes, the designers want to dress her,

Bob Roberts gets to interview her!

Give a warm DNN welcome to everyone's favourite

actress of the moment, it's the one and only...it's Jennifer Lawrence.

-No, no, Bob, it's Jenny.

-Ooh, chummy! You're so real.

Thanks for fitting us in to your busy schedule,

or as you Americans say, pah-tah-toh!

Not a problem, but I...

So. Hunger Games or X-Men? Which do you prefer?

I think you might be a bit confused here, Bob.

Oh! That is possible. Is it Hunger Men and X-Games?

This is not Jennifer...

Please, Felicity! This is MY interview.

What's with the Scottish accent?

You always speak Americano in the films!

No, this is my real voice.

Ah, right, yeah. So the American stuff is just for show.

Ooh! Like this one.

Bob, this is not the actress Jennifer Lawrence.

This is the presenter Jenny Lawrence. From Newsround, everyone!

-Is it?

-Yes. Sorry.

-No, right, I've got it!

You're doing that act-y thing, where you want to be interviewed

as if you're the person you're playing.

Hollywood superstar Jennifer Lawrence

as Newsround's Jenny Lawrence.

That is a bit of a coincidence, though?

It's not Jennifer Lawrence, Bob! Jenny, I am so sorry.

-So you've never been to the Oscars?

-No.

-Golden Globes?

-No.

Blackpool?

Well, yeah, but a long time ago on holiday.

Great! Tell us about Blackpool.

Actually, Bob, I've really got to go. I only had a few minutes.

Yes, well, there you have it, viewers. A DNN exclusive.

Jenny Lawrence has been to Blackpool.

-Well, thanks for joining us anyway.

-You're welcome... I guess.

So why are they making a movie of Newsround?

Oooh! I wonder who'll play Ricky.

And now it's back to Phil Tyme

and his non-stop sticker thrill ride at the dentist.

I reckon I'd make a good dentist.

I mean, it's basically just looking at teeth and saying numbers,

-isn't it?

-It's not just...

1, 4, 9 and 8. That'll be £20 please.

To be fair, that's not bad value.

-Phil, over to you.

-Thank you, Felicity.

I'm here with Dr Flossy Crown,

and I'm about to ask why she won't give out stickers to her...

Stop laughing, you! We all know this is rubbish.

Phil, I thought you were supposed to be the People's Champion.

Fine! Doctor, why won't you give him any stickers?

Well, Phil, every sticker we give out costs 0.5p.

Multiplied by 12.5 which is the average number of patients

each dentist here sees ever day,

that's a total cost of 6.25p.

Per dentist, per day.

Now, this might not seem like a lot,

-but if you have a look at this graph, you'll see...

-Man alive!

Can I just ask, Felicity, is this report essential?

I mean, a root canal examination would be more interesting than this.

Well, I'm happy to take a look for you, Phil.

Really? Fine, let's do it.

Anything's better than banging on about stickers all day.

And I do like spitting into that hoover funnel thingy.

Oh, well, thanks for nothing, Phil!

-Oh, give it a rest.

-Open wide, please, Phil.

Oh, my goodness. Your wisdom teeth are impacted.

I'm going to have to operate on these immediately.

No, wait, let's go back to the stickers...

Marjorie! Fire up the tooth extractor next door, please!

And cancel my appointments for the next five hours. Let's go.

Oh, cheese and crackers! No, Doc, I'm fine, honest.

Don't worry, Phil, I've done this before, you know.

Oh, this is the People's Champion, Phil Tyme,

asking why did I open my big mouth?!

Terry, take 'em back, and tell Tessa it's soup for tea...!

Phil Tyme, there, literally FILLING time.

Don't get it.

-Filling. Dentist.

-Nope.

Anyway, that's all we've got time for today.

I'm off to do another advert for this.

It's my DNN Felicity Bond Sing Yourself Fit dance work-out video.

But hang on. Henry said no more selling our products on the show.

Yes, but I've been smart enough to do it

whilst he's distracted by one of your wigs.

Hmmm! Gives me a touch of the Harry Styles.

I think he looks a bit more like Louis.

Well, that is all we've got time for today.

I've been the timely Felicity Bond. Say goodbye, Bob.

Goodbye, Bob! Sing Yourself Fit with Felicity Bond.

Is that cos everyone runs a mile once they hear you sing?

Bob, everyone tells me that I'm a really great singer.

No, they say your singing really grates.

Watch yourself, Jahmene. Look out for that paddling poodle.

Offside, Jahmene. No, offside, Kelly!

Actually, offside, Jahmene. Kelly wins! Yes!

Steve, do you think anyone would notice?