Episode 11 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

So, the most important thing about DNN is...

-BOTH:

-Me.

Serious journalism.

The people!

The people in Newcastle! Howay!

That it's live!

Aaggh! Hiding places!

Oh, my wow - it's totally the being on the telly!

But also the getting paid. But then maybe it's the meeting celebs.

And DNN is...what again?

Let me rephrase that.

What is the one thing that DNN can't do without?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Right! Right, that's it.

To get you lot to pull together, we're going to do a job swap.

You will all do each other's jobs

and see what it's like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

What's this?

Note from my mum - I'm not allowed to wear other people's shoes

because I've got the gluefoot.

Hello and Welcome to DNN, I'm the hoity-toity Felicity Bond...

-Seriously? That's what we're doing? Really?

-Yeah!

OK. I'm the human chimp Bob Roberts.

Bit harsh...

And these are the headlines...

The Post Office shows off a new machine for licking stamps.

The star of a new shampoo advert says it's because I'm "WOOF" it.

# Hold your body close to mine... #

And a miracle cat denies he has a small vocabulary.

Hey. Hey.

So in other news... No, hang on, you should say that.

OK. And in other news...

-Then I interrupt you to say something stupid.

-Right.

-Bogey!

THEY LAUGH

And I say, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob and Felicity! This is not what I meant!

You're supposed to swap jobs with one of the team -

not just clothes and chairs!

Well, you should have been more specific, Henry.

I'd never say "specific". Too many...syllaberries.

I'd just pull a face and fall off my chair.

Good job, fake Bob.

So, it's time for the part of the show where DNN attempts to

solve your problems.

Yes, but instead of the people's champion Phil Tyme, we've got

human loudspeaker Davina Wave - and the fantastic, mysterious,

magnificent Map. Are you there, Mappy?

Haway, yous two! Davina Wave here -

I'm nae people's champion, I'm just champion!

Sorry, sorry, Davina - where's Mappy? That woman is not Mappy!

All right, weird Bob, dinnae have a radgie -

Mappy's working the camera today!

Say hello, Mappy.

Right, that could be anyone. Do the other hand.

Ha! The Glove! Mappy's glove!

-He's amazing!!

-What are you looking into today, Davina?

Well, Flicky, this is Stephanie.

Say hello, Stephanie, man.

I have a serious bathroom situation.

Urgh! Why didn't you go earlier, then, man?

No, I mean my bathroom is ruined.

I hired these builders and they've made a total pig's ear of it.

I mean, the light switch now rings the doorbell...

DOORBELL RINGS

..the toilet flushes up instead of down...

TOILET FLUSHES

..and now the shower has a mind of its own.

CLANKING AND SPRAYING

See!

She won't even make us a cup of tea.

That's because you all take 12 sugars.

THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER

Ha-way!

Chill the mint oot, man.

You know, there's an old saying in Newcastle,

if you can't stop your belly aching,

I'll chuck yous in the Tyne, man!

Reet, Stephanie, gan make a cup of tea, will you?

OK, you, can you not just fix the combobulator with like,

I don't know, a whirlswig or summat?

Hadn't thought of that. I'll try.

SQUEAKING

Shower sorted!

Reet, you, what if you parry the flush at a 720 degree whirl

or something?

-I don't know.

-That might work.

SCREECHING

TOILET FLUSHES

Mint. You over there, tap that radiator three times. Howay.

THREE TAPS

That's incredible!

I don't believe it!

You're the greatest people's champion of the world.

I know. I know.

It's like I say, if your problem's a screamer, call Auntie Davina.

Howay! Hoo!

Thanks, Davina.

You know, there might actually be something in this job swap idea.

Mappy is the best cameraman ever.

He didn't even drop it ONCE. I would have dropped it.

Following on from that unexpected triumph - let's get the traffic

and travel news - not with Bea Rhodes, but with Phil Tyme.

Phil! What's the traffic like?

Well, I'm "live"

as usual, and I don't know why Bea makes such a big

fuss about the travel, to be honest.

It's quiet as a librarian's grave, Bob.

Er, Felicity, Phil...

-Oh, yeah. Felicity. Sorry.

-Er, what road are you on, Phil?

I haven't got a Scooby Doo where we are.

We just parked the van and went for a wander.

How about the traffic news around the country, Phil?

You'll love this, Bob.

Get ready!

A lorry's spilt a load of snooker equipment on the A39.

So I guess you could expect long "cues"!

Cues, geddit?

Please yourselves.

On the B1331, apparently a time portal has opened up.

Delays are expected there until last week.

That was Terry's that one.

Don't look so pleased with yourself,

that joke should come with an instruction manual.

Hang on, Phil, are you saying you're making up this traffic news?

-Um, is that not what Bea does?

-I have no idea.

-No!

-Well, I had to fill the airtime with something -

there's nowt else going on, look.

Well, that's where you're wrong, Phil -

we've tracked your phone and I'm hearing there's a major traffic

jam developing only a few streets from where you are right now.

Aha! And you want me to discover what's causing the hold-up?

Well, have no fear, pretty version of Bob -

investigative travel reporter Phil Tyme is on the case!

Come on - let's go and find out what the hold-up is,

cos this traffic "jam" is "toast".

See, Terry? Keep it simple. We'll see you in a bit.

Phil will be back with more traffic news later in the show...when

he finds some traffic.

Gah! I've got a ladder in my tights.

No-one can see it under the desk, Bob.

But it's uncomfortable!

Oh, that's better.

Although I am concerned where the roofer has gone.

Showbiz now...

Oh, you know talking in your stupid voice has given me

a new-found admiration for you.

Showbiz now, so let's go over to not Kelly Fornia, but Jahmene Mann.

What do you make of it so far, Jahmers?

I'll be straight with you... Boblicity. It's pretty bad.

You should know, Jahmene - there's no such thing as bad Boblicity.

Yeah, there is and I'm looking at it.

And I'm looking at you...

Right. Showbiz news!

Finn from Emmerdale contracts "Bart Simpson hand".

It might be my last one here.

I've been shortlisted for a job.

Young Dracula goes...live!

Vampiress liberation!

ALL: Vampiress Liberation.

And on EastEnders, Shirley suddenly remembers

the fourth letter of the alphabet.

Dee!

So get ready for my first showbiz report.

A new era dawns - let's meet the stars!

Yes, it still works!

Hello, Britain.

So, as I'm new to this, I want a guide to doing the perfect

interview, and helping me is Britain's best - Chris Johnson.

-It's Chris Johnson, everyone!

-Thanks, Jahmene.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Chris, you've done loads of interviews,

what advice can you give me?

Very important, first off, you need to make sure...

Chris, do we have to do this interview inside?

It's just... I'm a lot more comfortable outdoors.

I suppose we could...

Great. If you could just hurry up, cos the walls are closing in.

So, tips?

-For starters, I'd lose the sign.

-Why?

It's not necessary, Jahmene.

-I'll just take that from you.

-No! Get off!

-My sign!

-You're embarrassing yourself.

-It's mine.

-Just give me the sign!

-Get off!

-Let me have it!

-So, what else?

-Well, I'd say it's very important to...

Chris, this feels weird.

I'm used to people air-guitaring or doing impressions

when I talk to them.

-I could air-guitar for a bit, if that would help.

-Brilliant, yeah.

There we go. Cheers, Chris. So, more tips.

It's important to listen - don't interrupt...

I'm not really feeling this.

Could you maybe be Britain's best hip shaker as well?

-What, like...?

-Yeah, that's it, yeah.

-But don't stop air-guitaring.

-At the same time?

Yeah. So, what are the big interview no-nos?

Biggest one for me would be

to never make your guests feel ridiculous about themselves.

Could you do your best monkey impression?

I'd really rather not.

It'll be perfect. I'll do it with you. Look!

HE IMITATES A MONKEY

Listen, this isn't for me.

Good luck, and thank you for your time, but I'm done.

Chris, don't leave. Waggh!

Man down.

Thanks, Jahmene!

Showbiz isn't for you, but I'm sure you will find your niche.

His niche? She's probably down at the shwingsh.

Now it's time for us to meet the street -

and doing that this week is Britain's Best...

THEY WHISPER

..high-visibility jacket wearer. It's Beatrice Rhodes!

-Bea?

-ARGH! Sorry! Is it safe to come out now?

So Bea, what was it like leaving traffic behind?

Unfortunately, Bob, I didn't.

Argh! Graphic!

Today, I'm looking for members of the...public...

Oh, I don't like it!

..who can do Britain's best...transport noises?!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Please don't make me!

-Honk!

-BEA SQUEALS

THEY IMITATE TRAIN

-Beep-beep!

-Argh!

Helicopter!

-Choo! Choo!

-Argh!

Argh, motorbike!

Broom! Broom! Broom!

-ALL: Nya-ow!

-They're swarming!

-Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw...!

-Argh!

-Tickets, please.

-Oh, I don't like buses!

SHE WHIMPERS

-Argh!

-Ah! Sorry, sorry!

I'm hoping you can't impersonate a vehicle for me!

I'm terrified of...

-HE WHIMPERS

-..vehicles.

-Are you?

-Oh, thank goodness!

-Yes.

-They're almost as scary as...BEARS!

-Argh!

-BEARS!

-WHERE?!

-THEY SCREAM

Ah! Stop screaming!

-Bears can sense fear!

-Stop being so scared, you're scaring me!

I know, sorry, but you're scaring me and that's scaring you and that's...

-attracting the bears!

-Argh!

THEY SCREAM AND WHIMPER

Oh, that's... That's much better, thank you.

Beep! Beep! THEY SCREAM

-So, Bea...

-Argh! Sorry, I wasn't ready.

Has doing the job swap made you think of, oh, I don't know,

maybe a change of career?

Change! Oh, I don't like it!

I've got the perfect career for you, Bea.

-Really?

-Oh, yes, really.

A bomb disposal expert!

Argh! Bomb! Aagh!

SHE SCREAMS If you're any good at it,

there'll be no loud bangs.

That's not a real bomb, is it?

No, it's the fake one you gave me for Christmas.

BOOM!

So we have to go to a break now, but we'll be back after these messages.

We need to talk, mister.

OK, everyone, we're on a break, um, thing.

Thanks, Steve. Where's Steve?

-Job swap.

-Oh.

And how do you walk in these things? I feel like Mr Tumnus.

OK, everyone, can I have a word please?

-ALL: Pointless.

-Yes, yes, very good.

I think this is giving us all some wonderful insight into each...

-Henry, two things.

-Yes, Nellie.

One - I really don't think you should have swapped

-the make-up artist and the cleaner.

-It's just the tip of my...nose!

And two - I can't believe you want a journalist of my stature

to tell you if it's going to rain or not.

Everyone takes part in job swap, Nellie. No exceptions.

Who are you swapping with, then?

I'm the boss, Nellie. That would be appropriate.

No exceptions, Henry. Teamwork, remember!

You can swap with me!

Fine. I will swap jobs with you, then, Bob.

You all heard that! No givesies-backsies!

And now I'm in charge, I can make you do someone else's job.

And have I got a treat for you. Make-up!

Oh, now, hang on!

Don't worry, Henry. She's surprisingly gentle.

I'm afraid you missed a bit.

And we're back on in ten... Oh, no, in five, four...

Oh, now!

Hello and welcome back to DNN.

Hang on, where's Bob gone?

Oh, no, I'm here.

It's fine, Bob, I can present the show on my own.

I practically do anyway.

Don't be ridiculous, He-licity.

It takes two people to drive a car.

And that is why no-one gives you rides any more, Bob.

Gary! Go and sit next to "Bob", would you?

Yep! Right!

So, let's get on with the show and...

Do I read Bob's bits or Felicity's bits?

-You read Felicity's lines.

-But you're Felicity.

No, Gary, I'm Felicity.

And I'm Bob.

I'm really confused.

No change there.

So it's time now for our special report.

Recently, the world's most expensive stamp was put up for auction

with a predicted price tag of up to £12 million.

For that money, I'd want my letter to go somewhere really far away,

like Spain.

Anyway, apparently, you can buy all sorts of things at auction -

cows, furniture, more cows.

To find out more, we sent the woman with an eye for a bargain

and a mouth for a talking, Kelly Fornia.

Over to you, Kelly.

Hi, besties!

Here I am doing a total serious-face report

from one of Britain's awesomest auction houses!

This is Wendy Kitchen.

-She's one of the auctioneers.

-POSH ACCENT:

-Hello, Kelly.

The thing I uber-heart about auctioneer voices

is that you talk really, really, really fast

and it's amazing, like you're on times 12 or times 30 or something.

It's a total speed-fest. Can you teach me how to do it?

I don't think that's really necessary, do you, Kelly?

You're so, so nice, thank you.

Anyway, Kelly, things have been rather tricky around here recently,

as not many buyers have been coming in.

Therefore, we're selling things very, very cheaply.

Yay, bargain balls!

-Er, no, Kelly. It means we're going out of business.

-For reals?

Ooh, sad face.

OK, besties, investigation time.

Let's go shopping!

Oh, my wow!

Sparse-o-rama!

There's totally no-one here.

This is lot 139.

Portrait of a young man by Sandro Botticelli.

This is rather a special piece,

so I'll be starting the bidding at £5,000.

£5,000 to the gentleman with the glasses.

Oh, my wow! Is THAT what you're bidding on?

£6,000 to the lady with the camera crew.

£7,000.

Do I have 8,000, £8,000?

-You're so winning!

-That's 8,000. Do I have 9?

-9,000?

-It almost looks like J Biebs.

10,000, do I have 11,000?

£11,000.

-The Biebster.

-12, and that's £12,000. 13.

-Bieber the diva.

-£14,000.

15,000.

-And the price just keeps on going up!

-16,000.

17,000 to the man with the glasses.

-This is awesome.

-18,000 to the lady with the camera crew, thank you...

-Amazing!

-£80,000.

-Grr!

-£90,000.

-You're so going to win!

-£100,000.

-Grr!

-Going once...

Oh, no, wait!

Going twice.

-This is the best bit.

-Sold... to the lady with the camera crew.

Yay!

Oh, wait. What, me?

Anyways, for the second part of my special report,

I'm going to investigate what happens when you, like,

buy something at an auction

and then try to get away with not paying for it,

because that's an interesting question

and I'm a serious journalist. Ser-ournalist, new word!

Er, madam!

BOING!

Time now for the sports news.

Yes, so let's cross over to a sports legend in his own goal -

it's Gary Ogden.

Hang on, that's me!

Thanks, Gary. Oh!

My pleasure, Gary.

Hang on.

No, no, it's my pleasure, Gary.

-BREATHLESSLY:

-No, it's my pleasure, Gary.

Don't worry, Gary, mate, I've got this.

Yes, I'm not Gary Ogden. I'm Bob Roberts.

I mean, Felicity Bond... Or am I Henry Smart?

It's so crowded in here!

Anyway, this is the DNN Sports Locker

and these are the headlines.

The first entry into next year's Grand National

looks unlikely to win.

MUSIC: "Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini

The England cricket team's new fielder is still an improvement.

MUSIC: "O Fortuna" by Carl Orff

And there is a sporty Narnia sequel in the works

called The Lion, The Witch And The Paddling Pool.

Whoa!

So, what is the sport report today, Bob?

-Not a clue!

-Well, Felicity... Bob, as you are no doubt aware,

the British Olympics, or Commonwealth Games

as they are known, are coming to Glasgow next week.

-I sent Gary Ogden to find out more.

-Well, hang on, Gary!

-Aren't you supposed to swap jobs with somebody?

-I have!

-I'm Out-And-About Gary. I have job swapped with Studio Gary.

-Oh, right!

Well, that explains it. What?!

Over to you, Studio Gary.

Thanks, Out-And-About Gary.

Yes, today I'm finding out about the exciting world of long jumping,

or as it is known down my way, extreme beach kangarooing.

And to help me, I'm joined

by Commonwealth Gameser and close personal friend

Chris Tomlinson.

I don't think we've met.

Come on, Tommo, Tom-Tom Bongo.

I was there when you won your silver medal. You must remember.

It was the day I invented the Mobot.

You were probably distracted by winning a silver medal. Some friend!

What do I say when I jump? Geronimo? To infinity and beyond?

-You don't say anything.

-OK, I'll just go with the classic, then.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-G...

DEN!

-How's that?!

-Well, that's my mark down there.

Yeah, but I did a star jump, mate, so points for artistic flair.

It's actually just for distance, Gary.

Chris, trust me, I've been long jumping for over 15 minutes now.

It's about style as well. Watch and learn, mate.

'And here comes Ogden with The Superman.

'Closely followed by The Super Egyptian.

'Oh, and he has pulled out The Pirate.'

AAAARGH!

'And I've got no idea what that one is!'

That's what I call the Beatrice Rhodes.

So, Chris, what do you think?

Bye, Gary.

Yes! I got a bye!

So, Studio Gary goes straight to the finals on his first go.

Take that, the Commonwealth! Back to you, Out-And-About Gary.

Thanks, Studio Gary. My pleasure, Out-And-About Gary.

-BOTH:

-And that is it for Sports Locker this week. Oh!

I am so sorry, Out-And-About Gary What am I like?

Well, me!

THEY LAUGH

-BOTH:

-Back to you two. Oh!

Oh, you silly sausage!

Thanks, Gary.

Now it's time for the weather, but instead of Davina,

we've got the woman who is always under a cloud,

-it's Nellie Osmond.

-Thank you, Robert.

Yes, of all the jobs on DNN for which I am hugely overqualified,

today I have been assigned the role which is most beneath me -

-the weather.

-I think you'll find the weather is above you, Nellie.

That is how weather works.

And what record will you be setting today, Nellie?

Davina's records will be pretty hard to top.

It's not hard to SET a record, Felicity.

You just do something no-one has ever tried before.

I have picked something which Davina has never tried before.

Radical! Well, to spice up things even more,

I've sent you a sidekick. Look, it's Flappy! Ha-ha!

I put him in my personal Mappy commemorative suit.

Why do you have a Mappy suit, Bob?

I think the question is, why don't you?

-I can't feel my cheeks.

-Which cheeks?

-Any of them!

No talking, Flappy! OK, Nellie, in three, seven... Go!

We start in Southampton, where it will be sunny.

Go away!

Kent will be cold, Bristol boiling.

It will be roasting in Rotherham and Morecambe will be muggy.

Seriously, get off the screen, I'm trying to do a job of work here.

-Buxton, breezy. Winchester, windy.

-Come on, Flappy! More arms!

-More legs! More flap!

-Stop interrupting, Robert.

Gales in Hale, hail in Hull. Sleet in Fleet and Derby will be dull.

In London, it will be drizzly, which brings us to Edinburgh,

which might be my home,

but unlike Davina and her unprofessional obsession,

I will treat Edinburgh like any other place,

even if it is Europe's most beautiful city.

I mean, it's the home of Holyrood Palace, the Festival and the Tattoo.

Birthplace of Sir Walter Scott, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,

-magnificent Edinburgh!

-Time's up, Nellie!

Jewel of the north!

# And I would walk 500 miles...

-Can you hear us? Nellie!

-# And I would walk 500 more

-# Just to be the man who... #

-Nellie!

And in Edinburgh, it will be overcast. And that's the weather.

-Thanks, Nellie. Want to know how you did?

-No.

-Want to know how you did, Flappy?

-Bob, I am not Flappy!

Don't spoil it, Henry, I had just started to respect you.

So, let's return to Phil Tyme with traffic news. Phil, go!

Thank you, studio.

It is an absolute log jam here and listen to those horns!

I've never known anything to honk this much

since the power went dead on Terry's Scotch egg fridge.

Gross, Phil!

You are welcome, Felici-bob.

Now, this lot might be content to sit in their vehicles, tooting away,

but someone has got find out what is causing this mayhem

and that someone is Philip Tyme, the people's travel champion.

-Sir, how long have you been sat here?

-It's been well over an hour!

I'm supposed to be at a very important business meeting

right now and, as you can see, everyone is getting very cross!

I tell you, I feel very sorry for whoever has caused this

because this lot are going to give him a right good hiding.

And as we reach the front of the jam, you can understand why.

There is a vehicle abandoned in the middle of the road

and no-one can get past it.

I mean, what bean-brained moron would think it's OK

to park their stupid news van...

right in the middle... of a busy road.

Cheese and crackers, Terry! It's ours! Quick, get in!

Oh, no!

-Phil!

-Yes, Felicity, not my fault.

Terry, you told me it was a long, thin car park, you wazzock.

Oh, look! A very determined autograph hunter.

We are very flattered, but we are in a rush, yeah? Take him back, Terry.

Floor it! Floor it!

-Take him back!

-TYRES SCREECH

And that is all we have time for on this strange, strange day.

So, job-swap day. What do you say, team? Shall we do it again?

-No!

-No!

-No!

-ALL: No!

-Totally, but in no way.

-No.

Ah, but it worked!

See, Henry, the whole team has pulled together

and agreed that job swap is the stupidest idea ever.

Well, at least we didn't see your don't-look-at-me hat.

-Don't look at me! Say goodbye, Bob.

-Goodbye, Bob.

That actually worked. Jahmene, which of us is the better Felicity?

-I AM Felicity, Bob!

-And I'm the upgrade! Come on, Jahmene! Choose!

-Fine. Choose, Jahmene.

-I feel really uncomfortable.

This is just like the whole iOS/Android thing all over again.

Would it kill you to tell me for once that I am beautiful?!

Don't look at me!