Episode 12 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Nellie, I'm late for a meeting. Pass a message on to Bob.

Tell him not to look so flustered and out of place.

-Actually, Henry, I need to...

-Just get it done, please.

Davina, message for Bob from Henry.

"Tell him not to look so flustered and out of place."

Really? Yeah, reet, OK.

-Ah! Gary!

-All reet?

Me and Map have got a record to train for,

so can you tell Bob Henry said...

"Don't look at mustard..."

Aye. "..in outer space." Yeah.

I definitely understood every word of that, Davina. No problem.

Ah, Bob! Message from Henry...

He wants you - for some reason - to chuck a custard pie in my face.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Well, he is the boss.

You know, I think Henry's getting the hang of this show.

Hello, and welcome to DNN.

I'm the unparalleled Felicity Bond.

I'm Bob Roberts. This is my nan Robeta...

Oh, is this where you work, duck egg?

..and these are today's headlines.

Louis Walsh signs up the world's first jazz baby.

BABBLES MELODICALLY

-LAUGHING

-Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Scientists discover that lizards are naturals at Pat-a-cake.

And it's "Share A Lift To Work Day" at Bristol Zoo.

Beautifully done, darling.

-Ah, thanks, Nan. Moving on now...

-Bob!

What's going on?

Yes, Bob, we're in the middle of doing the show.

Oh, don't you mind me, deary, just carry on.

And you can call me Robeta,

or even Nan.

But what are you doing here?

She's been banned from the bingo for doing the cancan

whenever they called "legs 11."

What a lovely image.

Ooh, you're right duck egg,

she does have amazing teeth. Are they real?

Would you like to try mine?

ROBETA HUMS No, I'm fine thank you.

Bob, get your nan out of the studio.

Oh, come off it, Henry. What harm could she possibly do?

You know, you two would make a lovely couple.

Uh...Steve,

-get her out of here! Sharpish!

-Ooh, I love the name Steve.

My first husband was called Steve as well, you know.

You look a bit like him, except, well, he was a man.

Time now to go over to our un-caped crusader Phil Tyme.

What are you up to today, Phil?

Hello, Felicity.

Now, the cinema!

Home to the greatest stars, Brad Pitt, Hilary Duff's sister,

that lizard that made New York look proper manky...

Ah, Terry, all right.

What's wrong with Terry?

Oh, he's just upset cos I'm making him work

a bit close to his wedding.

Oh! When's his wedding?

Today!

Phil, how could you?!

Aw, Felicity, as I've always said,

crime waits for no man, not even Terry.

So, as ever, we are LIVE.

And I'm ready to be the people's champion for Marilyn here.

-Say hello, Marilyn.

-Hello.

Now, Marilyn has written to me about something fishy in her local cinema.

Pirates! Arr!

Now, she's had a word with the staff

but they've done nothing to help.

Now, is that because the staff

are a bit scared of wooden legs and eye patches?

No, Phil, it's not that sort of a pirate.

I mean I've seen someone making illegal copies of the films.

What, so they're not real pirates? No scary swords like?

-No.

-Well, why didn't you say?

I've been hiding from them behind that counter for over an hour.

What a waste of Terry's time.

Whoa! Careful with that boom mic, Tessa.

And you look lovely, by the way.

Hey, Terry, stay on me, fella.

Remember, it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding day.

It's a good job I'm here.

So, join us later when I will be collaring whoever it is

that's illegally copying films - here LIVE.

Oh, we'll be 20 minutes top, Terry.

We'll see you in a bit.

Time to go to the man who meets

more members of the public than a pavement.

It's Jahmene Mann.

Give me an "M".

-BOTH:

-M!

-Give me an "S".

-BOTH:

-S!

-What do you get?

MMMS.

Let's "meet" the "street".

Oh! "Beat" the "street", yeah. Wahey!

America, home of Felicity Bond,

the Empire State Building, aerosol cheese.

Urgh, actually, that's a bit weird.

And today, I'm hunting down a true American icon.

That's right, I'm looking for Britain's best cheerleaders.

Can I find them?

You can "baton" it!

-Give us a "D".

-ALL:

-D!

-Give us an "N".

-ALL:

-N!

-Give us an "N".

-ALL:

-N!

What do you get?

-ALL:

-D...NN! Yeah!

-D!

-N!

N!

Five, six, seven, eight...

-ALL:

-Goooo team.

Well, three cheers for Britain.

You lot are clearly potty for your pom-poms.

But if there's one thing that I've learnt today,

it's that sometimes cheerleading spells trouble.

-Give me a "C".

-C!

-Give me an "H".

-H!

-Give me an "A".

-A!

-Give me an "S".

-S!

-Give me an "E".

-E!

-Give me a "D".

-D!

-And what do you geeet?

-I get chased!

-Exactly. Oh, no, no, no.

-Yes.

-Come here.

-Man down.

Man D-O-W-N!

Time for the latest hot showbiz goss now with...

Wahey, what on earth is going on there?

-Kelly here is teaching me some dance moves.

-Yep.

Hi, Bobster. Nan's a natural.

Yeah, well, she might be a natural, Kelly

but her hip joints are finest NHS titanium.

You're going to overheat, Nan!

It's going to be the pilates class inferno all over again. Come on.

Anyway, Kelly, this week's showbiz headlines?

You got it, Flickster.

On Holby City, a man needs to get his disco dance looked at.

Nonsense, mate.

On Young Dracula, Erin decides it's time to switch to E-books.

SHE GASPS

And in a game of charades in EastEnders, Ian get's Godzilla.

Grit your teeth. Grr. Turn purple when I'm angry.

But the incredolino news this week, guys,

is that I scored an interview with the one and only Channing Tatum!

-Wow! Seriously?

-Chinny who now?

You know? From GI Joe, White House Down,

Step Up, Step Up 2. Not Step Up 3.

Ooh, now, Channing Tatum's not a proper name, is it, dear?

It's like the surname's come first.

It should be Tatum Channing, if anything,

and even that's a bit rum.

-But...

-All these Channings and Taylors and Tylers

and what have you, in my day it was good old-fashioned first names

-and then surnames...

-Oh, my wow.

-Are you sure you're not MY nan?

-Oh, no, there's two of them.

You're like totally like my spiritual nan.

Oh, my Spirinan. New word!

Oh, actually, I went to see one them spiritualists the other week...

-Nan...

-and she said to me I had a message...

-Nana!

-..from the other side...

-Nana!

-I thought she meant my friend Jean.

-Nana!

-At the theatre we couldn't get seats together,

-so she was over there...

-OK then!

I'm sorry Kelly, but thanks to Bob's nan, there's no time for your VT.

Oh, no probs, Flickster, this is totes more interesting.

Bob's nan, you are like my Zen Jedi kung fu master

-of totally not stopping talking,

-After you.

-No, after you.

-No, after you.

-After you!

-After you.

-No, after you.

-After you.

-No, after you.

-After you!

I think she stole your Nana.

No problem, Flicky. I always carry a spare.

Don't fret about Kelly's interview, because I've lined up

another DNN super exclusivo that will blow your mind.

Something tells me I'm about to be disappointed.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Oh, really?

Well, how does this grab you, Felicity?

A real-life time traveller.

Bob, there is no way in the world you've got a real life...

Please welcome to DNN, it's Dr Steven Whom.

Thank you, Bob. Lovely to meet you, Felicity...

Hi, Gary.

Now, Dr Whom, tell me

how long it took you to build this magnificent time machine.

-Uh, well, Bob, I've been working on it since I was a small child.

-Oh!

It just feels like yesterday.

-BOB LAUGHS

-Yeah, very good.

Yesterday...time travel. It's a time travelling joke, Felicity.

Bob. It is just Gary in a stupid beard!

Felicity, please, show some respect for our guest.

OK, so, theoretically, could you go back in time to see the first goal

ever scored by Wayne Rooney?

Ah, yes, that's my close personal...

-Ay! Close personal wish, I'm sure, Doctor.

-Yes, yes.

Good save, Bob. So, quick demo.

Um, but do bear in mind that when I travel through time

my time machine will instantly re-appear

back in this exact same spot.

It'll actually be like it's never moved.

How incredibly handy (!)

Right, here we go.

Sounds exciting. I wonder when he's off to.

The 9th of Idiot-cember, 18-60-moron.

MACHINE WHIRRS AND DINGS

ROARING

And I'm back. So, just popped along to the Jurassic era

where I had a rather hairy encounter with a T-Rex. He came off worse.

That sounds amazing. Actual Time Travel, live on DNN.

And tell me, Doctor, what does the future hold?

Well, I can do better than tell you, Bob,

I can bring something back and show you.

Right, I'm putting an end to this farce.

Uh, no, Felicity! Do not go over there. Don't open that door!

You could cause all of space and time to collapse.

-Yeah, well, you got lucky there.

-And now it's time for the sport.

Hello, and welcome to the sports locker. I'm Gary Ogden.

Eh... Ooh, Gary! Wow. What are you doing in there?

-I'm not Gary.

-Gary!

-Yes, Felicity?

Get rid of this stupid box or my foot will be propelling you

all the way into next year.

I'm on it.

Anyway, it's time to take a short break now

but we'll be back in a jiffy.

Yeah, but remember, other envelopes are available.

-BANGING

-Stop it!

Doh! You'll make things worse.

And we're on a break.

Bob, I need a quick word.

Uh...Usain Bolt?

No, that's three words.

You and Gary can't just go around making up pretend interview guests.

You're lying to the public.

Young man, that's quite enough of your sharp talk!

You can't come in here with your shiny shoes

talking down to my Robert like that. Where's your manners?!

I'm terribly sorry, Mrs Roberts.

Bob, would you be so kind as to accompany me

to the other side of the studio?

Why, Mr Smart, it'd be quite improper for me to accompany you...

-Come on!

-Oh!

-He talks about you all the time, you know?

-Really?

Mmm, every time he comes to me it's all,

"Mappy did this. Mappy did that."

Ah, no, Mrs Roberts. That's not...

Ooh, Mappy! Look how green you are today!

HE LAUGHS HAPPILY

-Oh.

-Back on in ten.

I can assure you, Robeta, our relationship is strictly

unprofessional.

Five, four, three...

Welcome back to DNN.

And yes, your eyes do NOT deceive you,

I have got even more handsome during the break.

Anyways, moving on now to a story about aliens...

Argh! Where?

..with the news of the UK's first support group for people

who believe they have been abducted by extraterrestrials.

So, with her special report, here's the woman who thinks ET

stands for "Extra Tough".

It's Nellie Osmond.

Eeh.

We've all heard of alien abduction, people claiming

they were beamed aboard an alien craft

and then prodded about like a two-day old mackerel fillet.

Ridiculous.

But I'm here to meet the Beam Me Up help group,

who, even more mind bogglingly, actually want this to happen.

Byron Scalder, what's wrong with you people?

I'll tell you what's wrong, Nellie, everyone in our group

is desperate to be taken by aliens but the aliens just won't...swoop.

We've shone lights into the sky, we've left offerings... Nothing.

-We don't know what else to try.

-Well, might I suggest growing up

because this is all utter pigwash and there's no such thing as aliens.

Look, Marion's gone. She's been taken!

-She's been taken.

-She's been taken.

She's been taken.

No, I'm just here.

I was just getting a biscuit.

Oh. She's not been taken.

Against my better judgment,

I agreed to join the group as they tried to summon aliens

in Byron's garden, because I'm a professional.

The summoning chant is on the card, Nellie.

-ALL CHANT:

-Bee-bow-pa-po me like chicken tonight

Mo-fa-salty gloria honey...

Right, stop this. You're clearly talking rubbish.

No, we are not, and I can prove it.

Come to the garage and look at the artefacts.

This is an alien mining chisel.

That's a trowel.

This is a translation device.

No, it's a whoopie cushion.

FART SOUND

And that is - bearing in mind -

the correct answer is a toilet brush.

It's a toilet brush.

Seriously, I'm trying to do a job of work here.

Pull yourselves together, people! Aliens are not coming, capisce?

REPETITIVE BANGING

They're here!

They came for us at last.

Welcome, star traveller.

We hope you come in peace.

No, I've come with pizza.

Sorry, I must get that exhaust fixed.

-SIGHING:

-For goodness' sake.

So, there we have it. No unidentified objects

apart from some suspicious vegetables of the four seasons.

This is Nellie Osmond, feet firmly on Planet Earth, for DNN.

Back to you, Robert.

Time to take a trip to the Wild West of sport now

and meet its sheriff, Gary Ogden.

Thank you, Bob. Yes, I'm Sheriff Ogden.

This is the sports...saloon and these are your sports headlines.

At the animal diving, there's a no-frills approach from the turtles.

Cat's basketball's new signing

admits he doesn't understand the rules.

And a beach volleyball match is called off due to hot sand.

But to mark the start of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow

my top story this week is snooker.

Snooker is not a Commonwealth sport.

Oh, but I've made a film about it.

-Sorry, Gary.

-Well, the campaign to get it recognised

as a Commonwealth sport starts here.

So, here's a man who knows his chalk from his baulk...line

Over to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary. Yes, you've joined me right on cue.

And as there's no "REST" for the wicked,

I'm here with up-and-coming snooker star Simon Potter.

All right, Darren?

Darren? Classic.

So, Simon, you clearly know my name,

but you have a rather more intriguing nickname, don't you?

Ah, yeah, I suppose so. They call me The Conjurer.

Because of your magic powers?

Ah, no, because of my snooker skills.

Look, you take a seat and I'll break, yeah?

My turn yet?

My go?

-Gary.

-Eh-na?!

You might want to see this. If it goes in I'll score a maximum break

-but it's a tricky one, so I'm going to bring out the spider.

-Spider?

Argh! I hate spiders. Keep it away! Keep it away!

Right. Good.

That long pole has scared the spider away. Hmm.

Yes! 180, maximum break.

No, it's 147.

Oh, you must have lost some points scaring away that spider.

Well, that's snooker,

and this reporter has been beaten black and blue.

Back to you in the studio...

Gary.

Thanks, Gary.

And that's all your sport for this week.

Before you go, Gary, I see you've been taking fashion tips from Simon.

I'm sorry, Felicity. I have no idea what you're talking about.

-Ah, the bow tie, the waistcoat.

-Oh. Oh, this. Oh, no, no.

My shift at Burtini's Italian restaurant starts in 15 minutes,

so I'm just getting ready.

Ciao, bella! Ciao, ciao, bella. Ciao...

Mine's a carbonara, Gary! See you in an hour!

Gary "Two-Jobs" Ogden there.

-HE SHOUTS:

-And don't forget the dough balls.

HORN HONKS

And now over to our eye in the sky,

it's the traffic with Beatrice Rhodes.

Er, no, well, she's not our "eye in the sky" today, Flicky,

she's our "scaredy face in space!"

Bea!

Bea!

She can't hear you, Bob. Sound doesn't travel in space.

That's the only reason she agreed to go up there.

You can still talk to her via the space-comms, Bob.

Ah, of course. Here goes, then.

-BEEPS

-Houston, we have a problem.

Argh, help! Engage thrusters!

-SHE SCREAMS:

-Mission abort!

Good, good. Everything's normal.

-BEEPS

-Only joking!

Oh! Ah, deep breaths. You can do this.

SHE SINGS

So, greetings from Earth, Bea!

Ah.

Increasing oxygen levels and I'm fine.

How's the traffic looking from up there, Bea?

Oh, it's wonderful, Felicity.

I'm so high up, I can't see any horrible traffic at all.

Although, I think I can see some tourist congestion

-on The Great Wall Of China.

-SHE MURMURS WORRIEDLY

-I bet from up there, tourists all look like ants.

-Really?

Arghhh, they do! I hate ants! Get me down from here!

-You're fine, Bea.

-Although, it's a real shame you're up there.

You could have met me nan. She's even brought cake.

Oh, no, I'm scared of nans. Both kinds. Human AND bread.

SHE MURMURS WORRIEDLY

Well, have some cake anyway. Here you go.

SHOUTS: Bob, no!

Where did it go?

Nana bakes a very light sponge, Flicky.

Open airlock, and...

SPLAT SHE SCREAMS

The drizzle has landed. I thank you.

Good throw, Bob. Bea's 200 miles into outer space

I know. I hope she didn't leave the iron on.

BEA SCREAMS

-She left the iron on.

-Yeah.

Time for the weather now with our jolly Geordie Davina Wave

and a very special guest.

That's not a special guest. That's Mappy, Felicity!

Hello, Mappy!

Not the Map, Bob. Tell him, Davina.

Well, Flicky, to make today's record more of a challenge,

I'm going head-to-head with another weather bod!

It's only ITV's Laura Tobin from Good Morning Britain. Huh!

Laura Britain?

Mappy's got a girlfriend?!

Hang on, where's her map?

Uh, she's NAKED?!

Welcome to DNN, Laura. So nice to have a professional joining us.

Thank you, Felicity. And hi, Bob!

Yeah, I'm not speaking to you, you've ruined everything.

What challenge are you attempting today, Davina?

Well, Flicky, we'll be setting the record for...

OK, you two, in 3, 2, 1...

Haway!

First off, if you're in Leeds you might want to call a vet

cos it's going to be raining cats and dogs. Woof, woof! Meow.

-And down south in London...

-You mean THAT London? Ugh.

Well, anyway, in London, it will be a beautiful day.

Blue skies and sunshine. The best place to be in the whole of the UK.

Hey, I'm on tour here, pet!

You cannae come on DNN and spout lies, you knaa?

Viewers, the best place to be on any day still is

and will forever be...

-YELLS:

-Newcastle!

Whoo-hoo! Newcastle!

The belly button of the North.

Where the footballers dress like bar codes!

One visit and you'll change your name to Laura Toooon Bin!

-Haway!

-Yaaa!

-Newcastle!

-SIREN SOUNDS

Time's up, you two!

Brilliant, Flicky. How did we do?

You fished out an impressive six footballs, Davina!

Haway, man! Whoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo.

But Laura fished out an amazing seven footballs

and sets the all-new record. Congratulations.

Yes! Yes, I did it. Whoo-hoo!

What?! Oh, nooo. Ah.

I cannae lose a Geordie record to a non-Geordie.

I cannot. There's one thing for it

Toon Bin, best of three.

-OK.

-Haway! Whoo-hoo!

Ah, what a great sport she is. Good job, Laura.

That's Mrs Mappy to you.

So, let's head back to Phil Tyme

and find out if he's managed to catch that movie pirate. Phil?

Sh, keep it down, Felicity.

We're inside. We're trying to spot the wrong'un

so we can get out and go and get married.

No, not you and me, Terry.

I mean, I like you as a friend, and, if you asked,

I suppose I'd think about it.

Sh, Phil. Over there, look!

Oh, get on that, Terry. Someone's filming it on their mobile.

Come on. Let's go and take 'em down for old times' sake.

-ROARS:

-Now then, Phil Tyme, the people's champion for DNN,

catching you making a pirated movie on your phone.

Aw, what...?

And didn't we get it all on camera, Terry? Ha-ha!

Successful sting. It's David Jones' locker for you, pirate face.

See, Terry? The greatest day of your life

and the greatest day of mine too. Get in! Ha-ha!

Oh, oh, what's going on?

Excuse me, I am the manager of this cinema.

Good, cos I've just caught them all...

Committing movie piracy in our cinema. Yes, I know.

We've had complaints before, we've just never had any proof...

..until now. Grab her, please.

-I was like, basically, like...like...

-On yer way.

And you too.

-Uh, no, not him. That's Terry, that.

-Yes, and that is a camera.

No, but he's filming me catching her.

No, you're coming with me. Come on.

No, no, you can't take Terry. He's getting married in a bit!

Oh, cheese and crackers! I'm so sorry, Tessa.

Oh, this is Phil Tyme live over -

probably not for much longer - for DNN.

Oh, Terry, don't look at Tessa, it's bad luck!

Phil Tyme there,

the scattered popcorn crumbs under the cinema seat of life.

That's actually quite good, Bob. Who thought it up for you?

Yeah, well, I don't know. Who thought up your...face?

And we're back to normal.

Oh, come on you two lovebirds.

Why don't you kiss and make up?

-Urgh, no.

-Urgh, no way.

-That's never going to happen.

Oh, but you'd be perfect together.

-Urgh, gross. BOTH:

-That's disgusting.

Just look at these rosy cheeks. They're so kissable.

Oh, Nana, stop it.

Ah, fine! If I give him a peck on the cheek will that make you stop?

-You'd make an old woman very happy.

-OK.

Ew, ew!

Steve, the wipes! I need the wipes.

Oh, I feel ever so...

RIBBIT. ...funny. RIBBIT.

Ooh, that looks sore, duck egg.

Now, I think I've got some cream for that.

Anyway, that's all we've got time for today.

I've been the Princess Felicity Bond.

And I've been Frog Roberts.

Croak goodbye, Frog.

Goodbye, Frog.

Flicky, am I imagining it, or am I all slimy?

Well done, you've picked the one thing about you that has not changed.

And I've got the munchies. Got any dead flies?

Try the staff canteen,

they serve them with most of their items.

Hello. Mr Backshall?

Yes, you might want to see this,

but be quick, it might be extinct by the time you get here.