Episode 13 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

And that's a wrap!

-Congratulations, everyone. Great series!

-Yeah!

-Bob, Felicity, can I have a word?

-Not this time, Henry.

You're no longer the boss of me! It's holibobs time!

Actually, Bob, I've been ordered to thank you both

for all your hard work,

and to present you with these tokens of DNN's appreciation.

-What?

-Presents, Bob!

-Ooh, ooh, ooh! Presents! Yeah! Oh, I love presents!

-This is for you, Bob.

-Um...

Eugh!

Huh?! A packet of seeds? Hmm.

It's a lifetime supply of red peppers!

I'll never have to go without fajitas ever again!

It's a miracle!

SHE GASPS Oh, Henry, it is so beautiful!

-Thank you so much!

-Oh, no need to thank me, Felicity.

Thank the closing down sale.

Ooh, new chair! I thought I could smell wrapping paper.

-Where's mine?

-Er, sorry, Gary,

but end-of-series gifts are for anchors only.

-Even Bob barely qualifies.

-(I got seeds!)

-No fair!

-Come on, then, Flicky, hand it over. I need that.

-You need it?

-Yes!

My stool has been on the wonk for ages!

This looks much safer and, as you know, DNN can be a dangerous place.

BOB SNIGGERS

Ow!

THUD! THUD!

-Watch out for the bunker.

-What's a bunker?

-Oh!

-Oh, my!

I've broken the other leg!

THUD! Oof! Man down!

Agh!

HE GRUNTS

Whoa! Careful with that boom mic!

Ra-a-a-argh!

HE WHIMPERS

-Bears!

-Agh! Bears!

-Where?! Agh!

No! Dragons!

Run for your lives!

-Agh!

-Ha-ha! Good job, fake Bob.

ALARM BLARES, SHE SCREAMS

Agh!

I hate spiders! Keep it away, keep it away!

Ow!

Agh-ah-ah!

BUZZ! Oh, my! Wow, thanks, Nellie!

That's re... BUZZ!

Enough blether. It must be time for my special report now.

HE ROARS

I give that a thumbs up!

Ow!

Ah! There we go.

I'd give you my old chair, Gary,

but I'm keeping it for posterity.

You've given a nickname to your botbot?!

-If I had, Bob, I'd have called it Bob.

-Aw, thank you.

Problem solved!

Ta-da! I'll never be short of a chair again!

Gary, that's less safe than your original stool.

-Really?

-Well, walk over here!

-Er, OK.

-Agh...

-LOUD THUD

Yeah, fair point. Pass the scissors, please, Bob.

Anyway, this building is full of chairs!

Oh, she's right, Gary! Which means that you should, er...

-sit on the building!

-Brilliant!

No! Just find one you like and use it!

-Oh, that is much better. Um, sorry, Bob.

-Yeah, none taken, mate!

It's like Jahmene always says -

you never know what you might find when you step outside the studio.

Yeah, yeah.

Today, I'm looking out for Britain's best...opera singers!

Bow ties at the ready, let's give it some welly!

Avanti!

# Figaro!

# Son qua! Ehi, Figaro!

# Son qua! Figaro qua, Figaro la

# Figaro qua, Figaro la

# Figaro su, Figaro giu Figaro su, Figaro giu

# Pronto prontissimo Bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo

# Fortunatissimo, Fortunatissimo Fortunatissimo! Non manchera!

# La, la, la! La-la-la! La, la, la! La-la-la!

# La, la, la! La-la-la! La, la, la-la!

# A te fortuna, a te fortuna A te fortuna non manchera!

# Sono il factotum della citta Sono il factotum della citta

# Della citta, della citta!

# Della ci-i-i-itt-a-a-a! #

MUSIC ENDS

Hello, madam. Can you sing opera?

Well, I don't know. You tell me.

SHE SINGS NOTES DEEPLY AND PERFECTLY

Wow!

SUSTAINED HIGH-PITCHED NOTE

Oops!

SHE GASPS

-You're in trouble now, sunshine!

-Come on, Stevie, I didn't know

-she was going to be good enough to do that!

-Come 'ere, you!

-Come 'ere!

-You...

-Grr-agh!

-You're meant to be on my side!

Man down! Man down!

Nope!

Mmm, bit too firm.

-Not quite Gary enough!

-Howay, Gary, what are you doing?

-Ultimate Chair Quest, Davina!

-Ooh!

And if I find a good one, I might make it my new sidekick.

I mean, Flicky's got Bob, Phil's got Terry, you've got Map!

I know! He's mint, isn't he? Come here, ya great big green softie!

Ooh, ooh, incoming, incoming! Oh, oh!

Oh, yeah, this is everything I dreamed it would be!

All I'm saying is, it must be great to be team-mates like you and Map.

-THUD!

-Oh!

I thought there was one more.

In honour of the World Cup and... # Alan Shearer! #

-..I'll be setting the record for...

-DRUMROLL

Er, Mappy's in goal and you're blindfolded?

-You might hit him.

-He'll be fine, Bob, man!

Get ready, Davina! In three...two...one!

-KLAXON

-Howay!

First off, there'll be showers in Bath.

Showers in Bath?

That's canny posh, like!

Careful, Mappy! Protect your lovely green everything!

Next up, it's time for the weather in that London-nnng...

where it's going to be wetter than a wet wipe

in a wet-look wet suit on a wet weekend in the wetlands! Ooh!

It's going to be wetter than... Ach, you get the idea!

It's going to be proper wet, like! Huh!

That's it! I'm going to save Mappy!

Bob?!

..unlike the glorious nation of...

-Newcastle!

-KLAXON

Newcastle!

Even when it's raining,

the sun always shines in the hearts of every Geordie!

Come and have a go, the weather! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

-Don't worry, Mappy! I'll save you!

-KLAXON

Oof! Ooh...! No, I'm fine! No, I'm fine!

-How did I do, like?

-You scored an impressive nine goals.

Whoo! Canny! That's another record for me and Map. Hoo!

Well done, Davina.

Ooh, I can feel it in my tum-tum!

-Ooh, yes. Perfect. Dibs!

-Hey, G-Dog.

Hey, J...Loaf.

-What are you doing?

-I've decided this is my perfect chair.

Ah, you can't have it, I've called dibs. Anyway, for safety's sake,

I'm taking it back to my dressing room.

-Do you want a hand?

-No, no need.

I've been schooled in heavy weight-liftage

by my close personal friend - The World's Strongest Man.

Now what did he tell me?

Yes, pretty sure it was, "Lift with the spine."

Give it a rest, Gary, you're not the only one

with close personal friends. Kelly's got loads of them, too.

HE GRUNTS, LOUD CRACK

It was NOT "lift with the spine."

GRUNTS IN PAIN

I'm here to meet a star choreographer who is going

to help me to make up a brand-new dance. A brance.

New word alert.

-It's only Turbo!

-What's up, Kelly?

Turbo, you are my favourite dance judge ever.

Alongside judge Alesha, judge Bruno, judge Darcey, and Judge Judy.

Wait, wrong type of judge.

But I still totally respect your opinion. Your Honour!

OK, first, what's your favourite type of dance?

-Oh, definitely street dance.

-OK, we can...

Alongside disco, and jazz, and mambo,

and conga, and tango, and samba, and Simba...

No, he's a lion, right? Shouldn't we get started?

MUSIC: "Changes" by Faul & Wad Ad & Pnau

OK, guys. Turbo has made me my very own dance moves

-all based on my personality, right?

-Right.

-Exclusive-abulous.

OK, the excited rabbit.

Excited monkey.

Excited child.

Excited wardrobe.

An excited rainbow.

And, oh...my...wow!

Thanks, Turbo. You're my bestie for ever.

Kelly Fornia here, guys,

throwing the best news shapes since the triangle.

Amaze-brance!

GRUNTING

Come on, Jahmene, put some welly into it!

I don't know why you need this sofa, Gary. Customise!

-Sorry?

-Modify your stool.

-Hmm, sounds a bit medical.

No, I mean put a comfy seat on it, add some gadgets,

-chrome paint, Wi-Fi?

-Ooh, yes, now we're talking.

Time to turn the stool cool.

Good idea, J-Box.

Er, besides, I don't think Henry would let me have this sofa.

FlickyBob still need somewhere to do their interviews.

With me today is a man who has invented reusable toilet paper.

-Fred Winklater.

-Hello.

-BOB LAUGHS

-Thanks for joining us...

-No, Bob, no!

I've got a big interview lined up

-and it's not with a man who washes bathroom tissue.

-Who is bigger news

than this guy? ..Would you mind moving downwind just a little?

-The president of the United States?!

-Huh?! Justin Bieber?!

-Barack Obama!

-Oh!

It's a pleasure to have you with us, Mr President.

-I'll take some questions.

-Of course.

-Let's start with the economy...

-I put it to you, Mr President,

that reusing plop-plop paper is the best idea since edible food!

-Yes, exactly.

-(Stick with me, Winky!)

But people may have better ideas.

That's unlikely.

And people may want to jigger slightly.

Ah! No, well, you're right. They'll feel much better for it.

Where should I do my jigger, Barack?

-On the floor.

-OK. Come on, Flicky!

That's a direct order from your president!

Come and jigger on the floor! You too, Winklater!

-Okey-dokey!

-Er...

-So, Mr President...?

-What do you make of Winky's jiggering?

He's got that kind of slouch, looking like the bored kid,

er, in the back of the classroom.

You heard him, put some effort into it, Winky!

Mr President, could I just ask what will be on the agenda

when you and the British Prime Minister next meet?

We're going to be finding ways

where we can poke each other, er, at every opportunity.

You know, he is a lot more fun than I expected. Thanks, Barry!

All right, thank you very much, everybody.

That is not the man I voted for!

-I think the strongest...

-Ah, Henry!

I think I've solved my stool problem.

That's far too much information, Gary.

Yes, as you can see, I'm souping up this bad boy.

It's going pretty well. I'm just one thing short, though.

Do you have a foot spa in here by any chance?

-Right, I've heard enough! Consider your stool confiscated!

-What?!

You're far too easily distracted, Gary, so I'm taking it back.

Seriously!

Why can't you be more professional, like Nellie?

Now, if you think making a packed lunch is easy, think again.

You put in chocolate vermicelli, are you for real?

Beats your basil-infused rat any day!

Because, for parents like Calista and Lorraine,

creating an elaborate lunchtime treat has become all-out war.

What it is, yeah, she started giving it all that

with her locked sealed containers, yeah,

making out she's queen of the sandwiches,

so I stepped it up, boom!

With a brown paper bag?

That is a New York deli experience. Open it!

'Hey, get out of the street, buddy!'

See? Ain't nobody going to beat that!

I could beat that.

Mrs Reporter Lady, you are on. Home time, school gates, bring it.

'With my challenge accepted, Kenneth Ledge from training company

'Lunch Box Boot Camp, volunteered to get me up to speed.'

OK, Nellie! Say your knife was broken, what do you do?

Er... Get another knife?

No! You improvise with what you've got. Go! Go! Go!

Disgusting. I'm trying to do a job of work here.

Go! Go! Go!

'It wasn't easy, but after a gruelling 30-minute programme,

'I was finally ready.'

OK, Calista.

Let's do this.

Three, two, one, draw.

One vegetable portrait of Beyonce.

One London Eye cookie with chocolate pods and...

a Scotch egg that looks like Ed Sheeran. Boom!

One 24-carat golden delicious.

One highly decorated juice box with real diamonds.

And one smart sandwich.

That works.

What do you have to say to that, Calista?

Ha-ha! You lose! You get in my face again,

you'll be wearing them super fruity yoghurts!

So, as you can see, this petty competitiveness can get out of hand.

But the fact is, I won, and I have the footage to prove it. End of.

Well, you say that Nellie is a professional, Henry,

but I am an ex-professional.

Look.

Ahem! My pleasure.

OK! Forget Nellie. Why not use me as a role model?

Oh, well, that is the pot calling the kettle bald, isn't it, Henry?

-What do you mean by that, Gary?

-Well, take a look.

Steve, I'm off chair hunting again.

Can you play that video we made for the wrap party, please?

Sure thing, Gary. Run VT!

What wrap party?

DNN is now in professional hands. First, let's turn to the economy...

That is my pen!

You're bald.

-I know that already, Gary.

-And that's what makes you the boss.

We are not becoming pop stars.

There will be no stylists. There will be no red carpets.

My script!

-Bob, you're on television.

-No, YOU'RE on television.

I can't feel my cheeks.

-Which cheeks?

-Any of them!

Come on, Flappy, more arms! More legs! More flap!

MINE!

Thank you!

Do carry on with your so-called news!

Hey, does Henry still not know about the party...ing, the parting,

in your hair. That you don't have.

Because you're bald.

Hmm, gives me a touch of the Harry Styles.

-I am not Flappy!

-Oh, don't spoil it! I've just started to respect you.

Ah, Nellie's dressing room. Let's see if she can help.

Hello?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

-Yes, Gary?

-Argh! I'll never get used to that.

SHE SIGHS: How can I help, Gary?

Well, I was going to ask if you had a spare chair, Nellie.

But I think now I might need a new pair of underpants as well.

Grow up, Gary! And you should know by now that I don't use chairs.

-What do you mean?

-Sitting in chairs is a sign of weakness, Gary.

Just like smiling or hugs.

Fine! Fine, I'll look somewhere else.

But at least consider a different dressing room, Nellie.

If Bea ever came looking for you in there, she'd never recover.

So, Bea, people are heading off on their holidays. How's it going?

Frankly, Bob, it is absolute chaos down here

but, fortunately, I am fine.

-It doesn't look like chaos.

-Doesn't look like chaos?!

There are trolleys and suitcases everywhere!

Who'd put wheels on a suitcase?!

-They're out of control!

-SHE SCREAMS

Excuse me, you're speeding!

There's no speed limit for suitcases.

What?! The world's gone mad.

-SHE SCREAMS

-A plane without wings!

Oh, no, it's just a bus.

-It's a bus! It's a bus!

-SHE SCREAMS

SHE WHIMPERS AND SINGS NERVOUSLY

-So, Bea, erm...

-SHE SINGS AND SIGHS

Flights will leave on time today,

although they will all be far too noisy and far too fast.

-Try our new fragrance?

-BEA SCREAMS

Sconge juice! Oh, I don't like it!

ALL: # We're off to Tenerife SHE SCREAMS

-# Ta-da-da-da! #

-Argh! Ambushed!

-# Who are ya?!

-Who are ya?!

-# Who are ya?! #

-I don't know any more, Bob. I just don't know.

ALL: Wahey! SHE SCREAMS

# She's off to Tenerife SHE SCREAMS

# She's off to Tenerife. # SHE SCREAMS

I don't have a passport!

Ooh, look at this.

One, two, three chairs for Gary!

-Hip-hip!

-Hooray!

-THEY LAUGH

Oh, Bob, what are you doing here?

I had the perfect idea for your chair, Gary.

-This guy - it's the BobMaster 3000.

-What's that, then?

-Go on, have a seat.

-Okey-dokey!

-Ooh, yes, very comfy.

-Yes.

And it doesn't stop there. It's also comes with

-its own music request system.

-Ooh, what songs can I have?

Ah, well, you can have the theme tune to Everything's Rosie.

Nah, I grew out of that show last year.

Do you have The Story of my Life by 1D?

Er, no, all we've got is the theme tune to...

# Everything's Rosie!

-# Everything's Ro-o-o-sie! #

-Aargh!

I was one song away from my perfect chair!

This day could not get any worse!

Well, the BobMaster 3000 was only trying to help, Gary.

I suppose it's a bit like the PhilTyme 3000.

Only I get arrested less.

So we should head back to Phil Tyme and find out whether

he's managed to spring the trap on that over-keen traffic warden.

-Phil, how's it going?

-If I'm brutally honest, Felicity,

it's not been easy. People kept trying to feed me letters.

Paper cuts like nobody's biz,

-and still no sign of this flaming traffic warden.

-He's coming!

All right, action stations, get a shift on!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, hey, he's doing it and all. Here goes!

Now then!

Ha-ha, the people's champion, Phil Tyme from DNN.

And I demand to know why you think it's all right

to give out parking tickets for no reason whatsoever.

-Well, I can explain this. It's...

-A-ha!

Officer, thank goodness you're here.

-You, Sonny Jim, are bang to rights. Officer...

-BOTH: Arrest this man!

-What? Why should she arrest me?

-Well, for impersonating a post-box.

That's not a thing, is it?

Eating Her Majesty's mail, very serious offence.

It's not the Queen's mail, it's just a couple of birthday cards

and some bumf about free broadband. That guy, that's who you want.

He's giving out dodgy tickets. Oh, cheese and crackers!

This is Phil Tyme for DNN. Do the L thing with your hand.

T'other way, you gormless... Take them back, crikey, take them back!

-Oh, why can't I find a chair I like?!

-OK, Gary.

Let it all out. HE SOBS

It's cos I never had a chair as a child!

Santa couldn't read my writing and I got a chain!

HE WAILS

Yes, Gary, maybe don't let it all out.

What if I talk to the others

-and we all club together to get you your own chair?

-Yeah!

We could make it just the way you want it.

-With gadgets and One Direction!

-Oh...

-You'd do that for me?

-Of course! We always do things for each other!

I mean, we did record that World Cup video

and you weren't even going to Brazil.

-# Samba time!

-Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014, Rio 2014!

# And Oggy's on the team

# Rio 2014, Rio 2014!

# Rio 2014!

# Just hear the fans all scream... #

What are you wearing, Gary?

-This is my old football kit.

-You look ridiculous.

# So, it's goodbye DNN I'm getting on a plane

# To fly off to the sunshine to play the beautiful game... #

-So Gary, how do you win at football?

-Oh, Bob, it's easy!

# All you do is kick the ball Don't forget to kick the ball

# You're not allowed To touch the ball

# Oh, my word He touched the ball! #

-He's the goalie, Gary, man!

-Yep, yep, I knew that.

-# Ogden's on the pitch

-He's tearing up the grass

-# He's right inside the box now

-And he's waiting for the pass

-# Gerrard kicks to Rooney

-The action's end-to-end

# Rooney kicks to Odgen

# He's my close personal friend... #

180!

And the crowd goes wild!

-# Samba time!

-This is not professional

# It's the messing about I hate

# In any case, I'm from Scotland We haven't qualified since '98

-# Samba time!

-Rio 2014

-# Rio 2014, Rio 2014

-Just watch that trophy gleam

# It's Oggy's greatest dream I'm the cat who's got the cream

# Samba time! #

OK - checklist. This chair must incorporate

my close personal celebrity contacts book.

-Check.

-That shouldn't take up much room!

-Ha-ha!

-A jet engine.

-Check.

-This chess board.

-Er, check, mate.

-THEY LAUGH

-Cos of the... Yeah!

-Yes!

A hotdog maker, a private number plate, air conditioning,

a spoon socket... Oh, and somewhere to keep my Oggles.

-Did you get all that?

-I drew a picture of Mappy.

I love Mappy.

Come on, Gary, you don't need any of that stuff! And forget the chair.

-You have everything you need right here.

-Of course!

-Wayne Rooney's autograph on a pizza box!

-No!

-She's talking about us, you muppet!

-Oh, yep, yep, I knew that.

BOB LAUGHS

I'm Gary Ogden.

-No! I'm Gary Ogden!

-No! I'm Gary Ogden!

No! I'm Gary Ogden!

No! I'm Gary Ogden! No, hang on, I actually AM Gary Ogden.

MUSIC: "A Sky Full of Stars" by Coldplay

LAUGHTER

Neigh!

This was my favourite moment of last night!

Nothing happened last night. Or any other night.

-Can you imagine being next door to someone so annoying?

-Yes.

SHE LAUGHS

-BOTH: Back to you two.

-Oh! Ha-ha!

Ha! Someone's just met the street!

Oh, you silly sausage!

-And in other news...

-Henry's giving me the sack!

Black and White Army!

Don't break it! That's mine now!

CAMERA CLICKS Oh, hey, hey! Good one!

Nice, nice!

Ooh, very fetching! Hey!

Ha! Cheeky!

-She's not leaving until I've frisked her for Wayne Spooney.

-Oh, my... Ow!

Ah! Mummy, take it off!

Ah! Oh! Put it back on!

LAUGHTER

I know what people want. Me!

And me!

Eugh! Get a whiff of that! This is Phil Tyme live for DNN!

I ain't afraid of no ghosts!

SHE SCREAMS, SHE SCREAMS AGAIN

GROWLING, SCREAMS CONTINUE

-Bob.

-Hmm? Oh, only channel hopping, Flicky!

(I owe you one!)

HE SQUEAKS AND GIBBERS

Beautiful language, the French.

BOTH: Keep dancing!

Ooh, Flicky, you're crushing me garlic! Ooh! Ooh!

See, Gary? The chair doesn't matter. It's what's in here that matters.

-Not what's under here.

-As the Dalai Lama once said.

Oh, no. I shut down Dial-a-Llama when the RSPCA got involved.

Good point, though, Bob.

In fact, I think I might give the BobMaster 3000 another go,

-if that's OK.

-Fill your boots!

-Yes! To the car park!

-Fire up the stereo, BobMaster!

-Ha-ha!

BOTH: # Everything's Rosie Everything's Ro-o-o-sie!

# Everything's fun when your friends are around... #

-Shall I look after your mug, Gary?

-Oh, no!

The BobMaster 3000 has a set of cup holders.

Oh! Oh, well, that's a design flaw.

You splished my squash!