Kia Pegg & Amy-Leigh Hickman Hacker Time

Hacker Time contains no essential nutrients.

Please don't try and eat it.

Have you lot noticed something different about Lolly this morning?

Yes. It's that she's trying to tell us something.

But what?

Ahem.

I have absolutely no idea.

-Oh, wait, I get it.

-Ho-ho!

She's trying to tell us it's national "wear a party hat" day.

-Oh...

-Oh, I've just realised.

-Today is a very special day.

-Ho-ho-ho!

It's recycling day.

Anyone got any plastics?

Oh...

Hang on, today IS a very special day...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

..because I've just got my latest online delivery, look. La-la!

It's a book on how to forget someone's birthday.

Oh...

Wait, Lolly, wait.

-I've just remembered it's your bir...

-Oh.

-It's your bir...

-Oh.

It's your bird's birthday. BIRD TWEETS

We bought it for you exactly one year ago, on your birthday.

Do you remember?

Oh! Oh, what a bunch of mooeys.

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. #

-Stop!

-Hacker Time.

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone.

We're on air in five...

four...

-three...

-Ahem.

..two...

-one...

-Meow!

Cue Larry.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host

for a harrowing half hour,

it's Hacker T Dog.

You all right, cockers?

Today is a very special day.

He's remembered.

Yes, it's the day of our annual joke inspection.

Oh...

Oh, hello, Inspector. I hope everything is in order.

I'm afraid it isn't.

That latest birthday misunderstanding means you've reached

your legal joke limit.

You don't mean...

Yes, from now on, all comedy on this show is banned.

-HE SQUEALS

-Oh,

not today, of all days.

Lolly's pet bird will be devastated.

In that case, we had better get a pair of serious actors on as guests.

Well, I hope you're not going to force them here in a comedy fashion.

Ah, about that...

MUZAK PLAYS

Hi, we're actors. We're here to film The Dumping Ground.

Oh, yes, get in the booth, please.

Yeah, we need some more photographs for your ID passes.

-Oh...

-Yeah, get in the booth, come on.

-Are you sure?

-Hurry up or Jacqueline Wilson will hear about this.

-OK.

-Curtains and doors.

-BELL CHIMES

Yeah...

-BUTTON BUZZES

-Down. Hee-hee-hee!

-Ah!

-Ah!

-What is going on?

-I don't know.

# Ba-da-da-dee, da-da... #

-Ah!

-Ah!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Amy-Leigh Hickman and Kia Pegg.

Welcome to Hacker Time.

Oh, no. We're not doing that.

The jokes aren't even funny.

Well, we're not allowed to do jokes, so the joke's on you.

Oh, well, it better hadn't been.

-So, will you stay?

-Oh, go on, then.

-All right.

Hurrah. In that case, let's find out who you pair of dullards are,

in the fact file.

I hope it's a very serious fact file.

Ah, about that...

Amy-Leigh Hickman and Kia Pegg

play Carmen and Jody in The Dumping Ground.

Their characters don't get on because they're polar opposites.

Jody likes folding her arms whilst wearing a jacket,

whereas Carmen likes folding her arms whilst not wearing a jacket.

The girls live with care-worker Mike Milligan,

who sold their house for a large painting. Silly man.

Jody's biggest achievement was learning to

ride an invisible horsey. Giddy-up, Misty!

While Carmen's was finally learning to fold her arms whilst

wearing a jacket. Ha!

And that's all you need to know about Amy-Leigh Hickman

and Kia Pegg.

# Pegg, Pegg, Pegg. #

Your life stories bored me senseless but you'll have to do.

Shall we get on with the show?

-Yeah.

-I guess.

-Yeah, why not.

-Belting.

In that case, Larry, tell them what lolz we've got in store.

Well, this had better be a very informative coming-up menu.

Ah... About that...

Today's Hacker Time contains no comedy at all.

No change there, then.

Coming up, the bumping sound...

CLANG Ooh! Ow.

..a trumping hound...

HE FARTS

..and some guests from -

yes, you've got it - Tracy Beaker Returns.

-Ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

What a great show we've got, eh?

Much better than that Dumping Ground rubbish.

Have you ever watched that muck?

-Erm, no, I don't think we've ever seen it, no.

-Now and then.

-I think it's new.

-Yeah.

-Maybe.

-Ha-ha!

Now, Amy and Kia, it's time for your big interview.

Are you ready?

-Just about, maybe. Go on, then.

-Belting, here we go.

Question one - you both appear on The Dumping Ground.

That sounds a bit like the trumping ground, doesn't it?

No, no, no. Stop that.

Yes, everyone knows trump jokes are the worst jokes of all.

I will not permit them in this interview.

Don't worry, Inspector.

I haven't got any more planned. It...oh...

Erm...

-Oh...

-Hmm...

-I'm watching you.

-OK.

-Watch all you like, cocker. I need the viewers.

-Ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

Let's talk about your characters on the show.

Carmen Howle...

Mmm... Oh, you want me to talk about her?

-No, no, no. Carmen, howl! Let me hear you howl.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Are you serious?

-Yes, I am, yeah.

-I'm always serious, cocker.

-I'm not from Wolfblood, though.

Well, I'll do one, and you can copy me. Ahem.

Aroo-oo-rr-oo-oo!

A-woooo!

-Oh, that was quite good, wasn't it?

-It was good.

-Much better than old Bobby Lockwood.

-Heh-heh.

Now, are you anything like the characters in the show?

Our characters are pretty different.

Oh, I suppose you could say, Carmen and Jody are like chalk and cheese.

Actually, we're chalk and cheese,

and we've learned to overcome our differences.

Yes, we're off to Benidorm together next week.

I thought you said we were going to Lanzarote.

Ha-ha-ha!

Now, Kia, are you related to our handyman and caterer Wilf Breadbin?

-I don't think so.

-I mean, I'm only asking because you sound like

you're from the same neck of the woods to me.

Where do you want this wall bracket put in, then, eh?

Wow, Kia, you said that without moving your lips.

-It wasn't me. It was Wilf.

-Be quiet, Wilf, will you?

-Oh.

-Kia was going to tell me something about a wall bracket.

-Oh...

-Now, off you pop, Wilfred.

-Ah...

In this show, you live in a house

with a load of people you can't stand.

-What's that like?

-Ha-ha!

-Well, we get on in real life. It's just...

-Do we?

-Yeah.

-Do we, though?

-Yeah, we all get on.

-Yeah.

-We'll tell him we do, Kia.

-OK. We all get along.

Well, I live in a house with a load of people I can't stand.

There's the pink one who doesn't really do much this series,

then there's the orange one with the really annoying voice.

Oh! How dare he!

Or there's the green one with the silly catchphrase.

-Hoo-hoo!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-See, that was it then.

And the blue one, whose birthday we pretend to forget every year.

-I knew it.

-Heh-heh-heh.

And worst of all, there's the disgusting little furry one

they call Hacker.

I despise him the most.

Aren't you Hacker? TYRES SCREECH

# Oh, yeah

-# Oh, yeah. #

-ALARM BUZZES

Excuse me, that high-pitched "oh, yeah" counts as a joke.

You're on your final warning.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-In that case, let's watch some highbrow acting.

Do you remember the time that I was in The Dumping Ground?

No, cos you weren't.

Well, I beg to differ, madam.

Take a look at this.

Hold it right up for me, please.

Is there OK? Yeah?

-OK. Ready.

-Three,

two,

one...

# La-la-la, da-da, ba-da! #

Time for a lovely, relaxing bath.

Soothe me them aching deltoids.

# Boom-ba-doom-ba-da-dee... #

Smile!

CEILING SQUELCHES

Ha-ha!

Oh, no. Look, oh, no.

-I think my bath's overflowing.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ho-ho-ho, look,

Mike looks scared, doesn't he?

-Ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

Oh, it's about time Carmen had a wash, anyway, isn't it?

What do you think of that, cockers?

-I don't think I've ever seen that before.

-Good, wasn't it?

Now, you both first appeared on Tracy Beaker Returns, didn't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-There's one character I miss

-from those Tracy Beaker days...

-HACKER SNIFFS

..Mike Milligan's hair.

-What happened to it?

-Oh, my...

-Ha-ha-ha!

See, we always take the mick out of him, and look, this is why.

-Look at it.

-Look at him in that photo.

He's a silver-haired beast.

He was in Cats. Don't take the mick out of him.

-Looks like he's got a cat on his head, there.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Actually, my career's really taken off.

You know, since leaving, I've two Casualties,

-and a Waterloo Road.

-BA DUM TSH

ALARM BUZZES OK, that's enough.

I don't want to see any more talking objects on this show.

Next, you'll be doing a joke about Kia Pegg.

-Erm...

-HE WHISTLES

Right, that's one bad joke too far.

Actually, I'm Juan Bad-Joke, and I have come too far.

-I should be in Alicante.

-TYRES SCREECH

ALARM BUZZES That does it. Shut it down.

Shut it down!

Oh, how is it come to this?

I blame the disgusting little furry one.

Larry, cut to something low on comedy, will you? Oh...

Get your magnifying glasses at the ready.

It's time for the Miss Marbles Mysteries.

Hello. Whoever that is.

Wohoo!

HE WHISTLES CHEERILY

How do?

Oh, are you all right? Yeah?

-Agh!

-CRASH!

Agh! Oh...

Oh, good morning, Constable Heighway.

Anything exciting happening today?

-No.

-< H-e-e-e-elp!

Someone's dyed...

..my hair green.

-Well, this is hardly a crimewave.

-Oh, isn't it?

CREEPY MUSIC

It IS a crimewave! This looks like a case for Miss Marbles!

-I'll go and get her.

-ALL: You are her!

-Oh, yeah!

-So, you found any clues yet?

-No, but this crimewave is getting worse.

Someone's even dyed the ground green.

That's grass, you fool.

I'm not all there, am I?

CACKLING SNORE

Ahem... Oh.

If my calculations are correct, we'll find the mystery dyer 'ere.

-I beg your pardon?

-I said, we'll find the mystery dyer in here.

-Oh, I see.

-Yeah.

MISS MARBLES GASPS

-You found anyone?

-No, just some diarrhoea.

FLIES BUZZ

Now that I've gathered you all in my drawing room,

I can finally reveal who the culprit is.

Could it be the vicar, with the stained green hands?

Oi! That's my natural skin tone! Hoo-hoo!

Come on.

Could it be the teashop owner, whose favourite colour is green?

Oh, you'll never prove it.

Or could it be the policeman with a secret diploma

in creative hairdressing?

I majored in blow drying. Not colour theory.

Well, let me tell you.

It was none of these people.

THEY GASP

The real culprit is...

..me!

But why?

Well, I wanted to get you all round my house

so I could show off my new tea cosy, didn't I? Do you like it?

-Oh, that is lovely.

-It's really nice.

H-e-e-e-elp!

Somebody's died!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, your hair green. We know.

No, somebody's actually died. Look.

THEY GASP IN HORROR

But then it is old Mr Benardsworth,

and he's been dead for 147 years.

So, all's well that ends well.

THEY LAUGH CHEERILY

LAUGHTER BECOMES LOUDER AND CREEPIER

Oh, what a load of old tat. Shall we watch a YouBend video on my tablet?

-I can't get it working!

-Oh, Derek, not that kind of tablet!

Oh! Wh-h-at am I like?

SHE SIGHS

Talking of fails, I saw an hilarious technology fail on YouBend.

Stick it on. I love it when people fail at technology.

Just put it on.

Just to make sure this thing is off. Perfect. Great. That's off now.

I wouldn't want to be recording this by mistake

and it end up on the internet. Ha-ha-ha! Oh...

MUSIC: Somebody To You by The Vamps

# ..is somebody to you

# All I wanna be Yeah, all I ever wanna be... #

-Epic fail!

-Ha-ha! How embarrassing for him.

-How can someone be so silly?

-Here, listen, imagine

if all the daft things we do in here were recorded. Just imagine!

Things like this will be televised to the nation.

HE TRUMPS

He-he! He-he! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Erm, Derek...

look behind you.

Oh. Ho ho?

Amy and Kia, you're both on a critically acclaimed CBBC show.

-What does that feel like?

-It's great.

-It is good.

-But it's not as good as this, is it?

-I beg to differ, cocker.

This is muck.

I wish I could be on something much better than this old tat.

Music, please.

# I have been here for nearly five years

# These tedious guests always bore me to tears

# This show is the greatest sum of my fears

# I must leave Hacker Time

# I could star in the Dumping Ground

# Experience angst as a teen

# Have rows with my mum and my dad

# On Millie Inbetween

# I'd sift through lots of samples of poo in Operation Ouch!

# Tell stories about skateboarding foals

# Whilst sat on the Newsround couch

# I could extract rabbits from hats and help my supply teacher's magic

# Be the new Barney, I would

# And have a dress sense that's tragic

# But there is just one show on which I'd like to star

# It's truly the best

# Has all the top guests

# Production values that leave me impressed

# The programme's Hacker Time! #

So, there you have it, Hacker Time is the best thing on TV.

And everything else is rubbish. Just as I was saying before.

-But you wasn't saying that before.

-I know. I'm fickle.

It's one of my character traits.

-Larry, tell us what other muck's coming up.

-Certainly, Hacker.

This show is a dumping ground for terrible entertainment.

Still to come, the Trumping Ground.

Like the Dumping Ground, but with him.

Who needs singing lessons at Phlegmsbury High?

And don't miss the big quiz finale, that's the big fancy bit at the end.

And that's why I'll never trust

that Richard Wisker with my laundry again.

It was a right mess. Oh, we're back, right.

There's something I've always wanted to know about the Dumping Ground.

Something that could change the way people watch it forever.

-What I want to know is...

-BELL RINGS

Oh, lunch. But not for you.

You're not important enough. Goodbye!

Oh, I hope it's not plastic knives and forks again.

-What now?

-What are we supposed to do?

-I'm hungry!

-Oh, Wilf, everyone thinks our food's really old-fashioned.

-Don't worry.

I've decided to modernise. We're no longer using plates.

All the trendy restaurants are doing it.

Oh, you mean, like, serving a burger on a chopping board,

-and soup in a jam jar?

-Well, yes, or the other way round, obviously.

Oh, Wilf.

Here comes a customer!

Oh, hello. I'd like the salmon, please.

Certainly. Would you like it on an old roof slate?

Oh, that sounds very trendy.

-Trouble is, the slate's still attached to the roof.

-Eh!

Ow! Doh.

-Well, in that case, I'll have the lamb casserole.

-Oh, good choice.

-It comes in an old man's hat.

-Oh, wow, that's even trendier.

However, the old man's still in it.

The gravy's burning my skull.

Oh, dear. Well, maybe I'll just have an egg.

I believe it comes served on a house brick.

Actually, it's under a house brick.

We didn't think that one through.

Well, to be honest,

I'd really like that meal in that strange red container over there.

-That's our bin.

-I know.

And it looks far more appetising than any of that rancid food

you actually sell. Goodbye!

I'll fire up the van.

And now Hacker Time proudly presents the Trumping Ground!

LOUD TRUMP

No-trump jokes!

Who is responsible for this?!

LOUD TRUMP

-Did you just trump?

-No, that was you.

-It was you.

-Are you serious? It was you!

-I heard you!

-It was you!

Hold on a minute, what's going on here?

-Who are you?

-I'm your care worker.

Mike Milligan, MBE.

Don't you recognise my shiny old bonce? And my MBE?

-You look nothing like Mike.

-Right, listen here, love.

This is all I could afford on the costume budget,

so just go along with it, will you, please?

Now, what's the problem going on around here?

-She trumped.

-No, no, no. She did.

-Quiet a bit.

As a trained professional,

I'm going to use a five-step plan to solve this dispute.

-Step one, we all need to calm down and talk like adults.

-OK.

This is me, talking like an adult.

What do you think, cocker?

-It's not helping.

-OK, step two. Let's get things off our chest.

Like these baked beans off this antique chest.

I mean, why has the catering van stopped using plates?

So, what is step three?

Step three is where I assess your personalities

via the medium of the inkblot test.

What do you see when you stare at this?

-A butterfly.

-No!

It's an inkblot.

Oh...!

Carmen, what do you see when you stare at this?

-An inkblot.

-No!

It's actually a paint blot, made by a butterfly.

Who was trying to draw an inkblot.

These are looking suspiciously like jokes.

Get it back on track, please.

OK. Step four.

Let's hear what you don't like about each other.

Jody...

what don't you like about Carmen?

All she ever wears is pink.

I hate that colour!

If I see the colour pink one more time,

I'm going to scream the place down.

Oh, sorry, did somebody say summat?

Aargh!

Ooh, calm down, cocker.

Right. Carmen - what don't you like about Jody?

All she ever talks about is football. I hate that sport.

I swear, if I hear one more thing about football

-I

-will screen the place down.

-Anyone for snooker?

Oh...

-I got that one wrong, didn't I?

-I'm starting to get really angry now.

How do you think I feel? I haven't looked in the mirror in minutes.

Ha-ha. It's just like you, that.

Well - that brings us to step five.

If you feel emotional, just let it go.

FARRRRRT!

Wait. You were the trumper all along?

No, I wasn't!

But if it wasn't you, then who was it?

Actually...it was me.

SHOWBIZZY FANFARE

Hold on a minute. I thought you'd banned jokes from this show.

Ah... That wasn't a joke.

HE FARTS

JOKE INSPECTOR: Oh...

Oh, my. If you thought that was bad, wait till you see this.

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Do you know the best thing about the start of a new term?

Brand-new stationery!

Oh, you're telling me.

I just love a ballpoint pen.

Well, check MY kit out.

# Got my ruler!

# Got my pen!

# In Office Supplies Weekly it got 6 out of 10

# Check my rubber and my hole punch

# If I get hungry I can eat it for lunch

# I have this pencil

# And this notepad

# Made in China They drive the whole school mad

# Novelty sharpener Works without hassle

-BOTH:

-# We got it from a school trip to a medieval castle!

# Stationery!

# Ring binder reinforcers

# Stationery

# Lever arch file!

# Stationery

# Eraser fluid

-They come in 20ml bottles.

-Oh, yeah. So you can mess up your writing.

# Essential tools that you need for school! #

YEAHHH!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. I am now.

-All right.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the greatest quiz of them all,

the part of the show we like to call...

Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

FLUSHING

Amy-Leigh and Kia, the rules of this game are simple.

All you have to do is...

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

FLUSHING

..sit on a bog and answer some questions.

How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

-Not bad. Comfy.

-It's quite nice and sparkly.

-Comfier than you think, in't it?

-Yeah.

-It is.

The time will end when you hear this...

We're off to Alicante!

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

-Start the clock.

Name a character in The Dumping Ground.

-Mo.

-Tee.

What gives you that right?

It's up to their parents to name 'em, not you!

Complete this famous double act. Sam and...

-Mark.

-Mark.

No, it's Sam-on and potatoes. It's Sam and Mark's favourite food.

Herman has disguised this prop as a CBBC star. But who is it?

Er...Bobby Lockwood.

Bobby Lockwood!

No, I'm afraid it's PC Lockplank.

Who's that...?

-I'm afraid you're wrong there. Herman, go away.

-Aww.

Please welcome me old chum and soon to be yours - Accordion George!

# It's Accordion George Acci-G #

The Big G - the Big George is here,

he's going to play you a fantastic tune on his acc.

And you two have to guess what on earth he's playing.

Now, call me old-fashioned, I've done this before -

you're unlikely to get it because he's not very good, are you, George?

Play the tune...

Acci-G!

HE PLAYS A JAUNTY TUNE

TUNE ENDS

Right... All right, all right. All right!

-Who was it?

-He's already getting paid.

Can you tell me what Acci-G was playing on his massive bulbous acc?

-Er...

-BOTH: Wake Me Up.

-Avicii.

Let's find out if you're correct...

MUSIC: Wake Me Up by Avicii Yes!

-Knew we'd got it.

-Well done! You got it right, well done, cocker.

I'm not sure how, it sounded like he had pease pudding in his pipes.

All right, George, go away.

Go on. Take your stool with you.

-Bye, George!

-Bye, George.

-All right, don't encourage him.

True or false?

Oh, that's true.

Wrong - it was neither.

We're off to Alicante!

Times up. That means you've won tonight's star prize.

-Woo.

-Wooo!

'A used sticky note!

'Note, no longer sticky.'

What do you think about that, cockers?

-I'm really excited about it, actually.

-Really?

-It's like, the top prize, ever.

-Don't get carried away.

Cos the prizes don't stop there, cocker -

you've also won a holiday!

-Oh! Really?

-Where to?

A barge trip for two through our fantastic studio drainage system.

Any last words before you go?

-No, thanks.

-Er - yeah...

Herman - flush them away!

FLUSHING

BOTH: Aaagh!

HE LAUGHS

What a great pair of CBBC stars there. I love 'em in Wolfblood.

Right. I'm off now to braise a fetid shoulder of lamb in the slow cooker.

But first I shall sing my trademark song. Join in, cockers!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Amy-Leigh and Kia dropped in

# The chat was sheer perfection

# We acted in The Trumping Ground

# But we lost a lot of comedy to the routine joke inspection

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

That song was faintly humorous.

Shut it down. Shut it down! GLASS SHATTERS