Maggie Aderin-Pocock Hacker Time

Hacker Time is not filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, Hacker. You're lively this morning.

Are your worms playing you up again?

How dare you, Derek! I do not have worms!

-If you must know, I'm expecting a very important delivery.

-Oh!

-Is it another mildly amusing household poster?

-No.

That came yesterday.

LAUGHTER

That will never not be funny!

So what are you waiting for?

My worm tablets!

Oh, they really are playing up again.

HACKER WHIMPERS DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh, that'll be t'postman.

I can't open it. It's jammed.

Oh, well, let me try.

DEREK GRUNTS

It's no use. I can't do it either.

I know! Why don't we try opening it from the other side?

Ooh, brilliant idea! Come on.

FOOTSTEPS PATTER

BANGS ON DOOR

No, it's jammed from this side too.

We'd better go back in, then.

Come on, Derek. Get inside.

And you, Mr Postman.

Oh, and shut the door, will you?

Oh, yeah, shut the door.

DEREK GRUNTS

This is all very odd. I still can't open the door,

there's no-one outside and now, there's strange man in the house.

Keep calm and run the titles.

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show - ah! - You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time. #

Thank you.

Standby, everyone. We're on-air in five...

four,

three... COUGH

..two,

one...

-Cue Larry!

-DRUM ROLL

Ladies and gentlemen, he's the host with the most...

disgusting odour in the world -

it's Hacker D Dog!

You all right, cockers?

Today's show is all about space,

starting with the space in here.

I'm thinking terracotta walls and maybe a breakfast bar in the corner.

The show isn't about that sort of space, Hacker.

It's about outer space.

But I'm not outer space.

There is room for a chaise lounge in here.

Oh, he's still not getting it!

If only we had a space scientist to explain the concept to him.

Don't worry, it's being sorted.

Eh. It's a good night for it, innit? Good day for it...

Hello, my name is Maggie Aderin-Pocock and I'm here to film

an important, really serious documentary all about space.

Oh, step this way, please.

Yes, we need to do a photograph for your ID pass.

-A photograph? Oh, OK...

-Get in the booth.

Come on now, shut those curtains. Shut those curtains now!

-OK, Thank you, thank you.

-Shut the doors, perfick.

ELEVATOR PINGS

Ah...

-BUZZ

-Down!

HE CHUCKLES

-ALARM BLARES

-Ooh!

SHE SCREAMS

-Come on...

-HACKER WHISTLES

Let me out!

Please welcome...from Stargazing and The Sky At Night,

it's Maggie Aderin-Pocock!

Wahey, look who it is! By jingo!

Maggie, you all right, cocker? Welcome to Hacker Time!

-Hacker Time?

-Yes.

-I thought... This is meant to be The Sky At Night.

-Oh, no.

-I've got to go. I must've come to the wrong studio.

No, no, no. You can't go, Maggie. Please don't go, stay!

Stay with me for I've got some fantastic,

intelligent questions about space to ask you.

-About space?

-Space, yeah.

-Oh, great. Yeah, lovely.

-You love that, don't you?

-I do.

-Here's the first question.

Do you think I should move that desk to make room for a coal effect fire?

Oh, he's getting the universe mixed up with interior design again.

Don't worry, Maggie's fact file will explain everything. Hmm...

BEEP

Maggie Aderin-Pocock is a space scientist

who likes hanging around by rock formations.

With her out-of-this-world knowledge,

she presents stargazing programmes

The Sky At Night and Stargazing Live.

In her spare time, she likes to play the popular and well-known game,

Hold The Satsuma Above A Colander.

When she's not doing that,

she likes to sit in her spaceship-themed living quarters.

And that is all you need to know about Maggie Aderin-Pocock.

Very interesting, cocker.

But I still don't understand what space is - mainly because of this -

the massive space between me ears,

which I also don't understand.

HACKER LAUGHS

-Do you like it?

-Is that your brain?

Yeah, do you want to touch it?

I think that explains a lot.

It explains more than you'll ever know, me old cocker.

But nil ye fret, we've loads more space for jokes like that.

Larry, tell us what's coming up -

even though I won't understand a word of it.

Mwah!

Get ready, because you're about to enter a wormhole...of comedy.

Coming up - Maggie's ride home is out of this world...

Ta-da!

Super-sleuth Miss Marbles has trouble with wind...

Thwrrp!

..instruments and the catering crew are dishing up trouble.

Don't look so shocked, guys - your food's terrible!

Right, Margaret.

Are you ready to answer a series of important,

-highbrow questions all about the universe?

-I am.

Question one, can you explain the general theory of relativity...

-Einstein came up with this idea...

-I didn't finish the question!

I'm so sorry!

Can you explain the general theory of relativity in less than one word?

-Yes.

-Oh, wrong!

I said, "In less than one word"!

And you call yourself a scientist?

You are rubbish, Margaret.

It's a proven scientific fact that the moon is made out of cheese,

but what cheese is it made from?

I hate to tell you, but the moon isn't made out of cheese. It's...

Is the moon is made of Red Leicester?

-No.

-Is the moon made of Gouda?

-No.

-Is the moon made of a supermarket's own-brand low-fat

cheddar-flavoured slices?

This could take a long time,

if we're going to go through all the cheeses!

-Margaret?

-Yes?

What's a parallel universe?

Ooh, a parallel universe is a really interesting concept,

because we think we've got our own universe,

but for every decision you make,

we could actually have a parallel universe...

Are you saying there could be a version of Hacker Time out there

-that's the exact opposite of this one?

-Definitely.

-HACKER SQUEALS

-I wonder what that would look like?

Maggie, is the cheese made of moon?

I don't know, but I really am enjoying this whole experience.

Wow! It really is the exact opposite.

Moving on -

is time travel possible?

Theoretically, we can predict it's possible, through the mathematics.

But actually, looking at it, it causes all sorts of paradoxes,

so we think it probably isn't.

Well, I've actually proved that THYME travel is possible. Look!

-# Da-dah-dah-dah-dah! #

-Oh, dear.

-TOOT TOOT

It's a sprig of thyme, travelling on a train.

It's much more effective than that parsley monorail I built last year.

That's not quite what I was expecting.

I know it wasn't, Margaret. That's the beauty of this show.

Actually, that sprig of thyme did travel back in time.

It brought back this bunch of rosemary

from the early Jurassic period.

Have a sniff - sniff my thyme!

Harry, leave that rosemary alone!

I'm having it in a wheel of Camembert later -

or as I like to call it - the moon.

MAGGIE LAUGHS

-Next question, Margaret.

-OK.

What is the sun?

Now, that's a very interesting question,

because the sun is actually a star,

like we see all the other stars in the night sky.

I had a feeling the sun was a star, yeah.

She certainly behaved like one when I worked with her.

Ugh. This latte is cold.

-Well, you heat it up. You're the sun.

-Oh...

Ah, the sun. I never WARMED to her.

SUDDEN DRUMBEAT

LAUGHTER

-It wasn't that funny.

-I know.

I was still laughing at this poster from earlier on in the episode.

Look at it.

HE CHUCKLES

I've got some questions about the planets. Ahem.

Why has Jupiter got a big red spot?

Did he forget to exfoliate?

The red spot on Jupiter is a huge weather system

and it's quite interesting,

cos you could fit the whole of planet Earth into that red spot.

Funny that, cos I thought you just said it was interesting.

Right, I've got another question. Why has Saturn got a ring?

Did she get married to Neptune?

Married to Neptune...

The rings of Saturn are quite fascinating,

cos they're made out of lumps of ice about the size of my fist.

Why is Mars bright red?

Is it angry because Saturn rejected his marriage proposal?

Was he livid?

Um...

Mars is red because it's made of iron oxide, which is rust, and so...

You're looking bored again!

-Hacker, this is great stuff!

-It is good stuff, this.

-It is, it is!

Moving on, Margaret, onto something slightly less boring

than what you've just been going on about...

You astronomers are always harping on about the naked eye, aren't you?

-We are.

-But what is the naked eye?

Well, imagine you don't have a telescope,

you don't have any binoculars. It's just your eyes.

That means my eyes are naked right now?!

Oh, the shame! Look away, Margaret!

-It's OK!

-Look away while I dress my beady optical receptors.

Hacker?

Much better, but I'll have to end the interview here,

cos we've run out of THYME.

However, we do have a busload of chives.

That'll go lovely with my moon and crackers.

Larry, cut to something else, wherever you are.

DRUM ROLL

Get your magnifying glasses at the ready -

it's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries.

Hello. Who's this? I don't know who that is.

HE WHISTLES CHEERILY

How do?

You all right, yeah? Aggh!

CRASH

Oh, Ms Marbles - you've barely touched your corn, so you haven't.

Whatever's wrong?

Oh, Constable Haywain -

there's a mystery I just can't solve.

DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC PLAYS

I need to find out who keeps playing that dreadful incidental music.

-Can't say I've noticed.

-Oh, it's plaguing my life.

Every time I say something funny, I hear the cymbals...

-Bottom!

-CYMBALS CRASH

..every time I do something sad, I hear a violin...

Aggh!

VIOLIN PLAYS DIRGE

MS MARBLES SOBS

I fell on my bottom!

..and every time I eat cabbage, I hear a trumpet.

Thwrrp!

That wasn't a trumpet.

I know. It was my bottom!

DESCENDING NOTES PLAY

And so was that.

It's not pleasant.

Where could this phantom musician be hiding, so to speak?

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

-Aha! I think I found the culprit.

Reverend Derek McGee, where did you get that cello?

No, this isn't a cello.

It's my lunchbox. Ho-ho!

Oh, mother always cuts my sandwiches into cello shapes.

GUITAR THRUMS

But did I hear a guitar inside the chemist's?

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

'Ere, where's your guitar?

That wasn't a guitar, it was CATARRH.

The whole village has got it.

CHEMIST HAWKS

NASALLY:

DRUMBEATS

NASALLY:

NASALLY:

That wasn't a drum, it was my shop display falling over.

But while you're here, you could help me pick up this cornet...

TRUMPET BLARES

..this ice cream cornet.

-Oh, and this tuba...

-CONSTABLE GASPS

This TUBA toothpaste.

Finally, I'm going to need assistance with this ukelele...

..this tin of Ukelele brand corned beef.

That's not even a thing.

It is. Look.

Agh! It looks like this is one mystery I'll never solve.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

That music... Ms Marbles, it's coming from your pocket, so it is.

Ugh. You're not going to believe this.

It was my ringtone all along.

Thwrrp!

And that was my bottom...

DESCENDING NOTES PLAY

..but that wasn't.

No. That was mine.

Why do you even have a mobile phone, Ms Marbles?

They haven't even been invented yet.

Oh, don't ask me. I don't write this rubbish.

That's quite enough of that.

BLEATING

What in a month of Sundays was that?

Oh, Derek, it's so funny, have you seen it?

It's a video of a screaming goat.

-It's going viral on YouBend, have a watch.

-Oh, yes.

GOAT BLEATS

Will you stop all that screaming, I'm trying to graze here.

-Argh!

-That's not how you do it, it's more like "baa-aa-aa!"

Derek, I wasn't doing an impression, I was actually screaming.

-But why are you actually screaming?

-I'm screaming because, look. Argh!

Oh, I've forgotten to put my trousers on...again.

What am I like?! Ooh-hoo!

Maggie, there's something I don't understand.

Why did Pluto used to be a planet, but now it's not a planet?

Don't be upset, Hacker, Pluto's still there.

The thing is, Pluto is really small, it's actually smaller than

our moon and because it's so small, we now call it a dwarf planet.

But it's still there.

Don't you feel sorry for Pluto? It must feel so left out

and I bet all the other planets laugh at it.

Oh, no, I'm sure that's not true.

Right, there's only one way to solve this,

I must show my solidarity for Pluto by the medium of song.

Hit it!

# Saturn is too gassy and Mercury's too hot

# Mars is far too red just like Jupiter's big spot

# Neptune and Uranus are both easily forgot

# Earth is really boring I've already seen the lot

# There is a tiny planet where I would like to reside

# It has an atmosphere made of carbon monoxide

# An axial tilt that makes it rotate on its side

# I love it oh so much I want to take it for my bride

# It's Pluto. #

Three, two, one, blast off.

# I really want to live there it would be so much fun

# It's the tenth most massive body that is orbiting the sun

# On its nitrogen ice surface I'd frolic and run

# I'd be so very happy I'd even bring my mum

# But unfortunately

# They don't have TV so I'd be

# Out of a job

# Job, job

# Job

# Gainful employment

# Skint. #

So there you have it. What a disgraceful non-planet it is.

Look at it there bobbing about. Useless, dirty little Pluto.

Never liked it. Never trusted the way it moves, Margaret.

-But I don't understand - your beautiful song.

-Never mind the song.

Just another one of my trademark whimsical U-turns there.

Larry, tell us what's coming up before I change my mind.

Carry on, you.

Certainly, Hacker. This show is so big, it's got its own orbit.

Coming up - we've got login lols at Flemsbury High,

there's cosmic capers on another planet and flushed with success,

Maggie takes to the throne in the quiz finale.

Margaret, I've got a question about the universe to ask -

something that every person on Earth wants to know,

something that could help us understand the meaning of life.

-My question is...

-BELL RINGS

Ooh, lunch.

Yummy.

Hello?

Like I say, that will never not be funny.

-Wilfred, this is no laughing matter.

-You're telling me.

I don't know how this show got a fifth series.

I'm not talking about the show.

We're expecting a visit from...

-..the health inspector.

-Oh!

We need to make sure everything is hygienic

and we don't have much time.

Don't worry, here's some now. Thyme.

Now, I need to have a look around.

Has this pork chop been there all day?

Yes, but the flies don't seem to mind.

-Is that pea soup at the correct temperature?

-What pea soup? At-choo!

Oh, Wilf, why aren't you wearing a hairnet?

I lost it, but don't fret...

Argh!

I'll use this instead, I was dredging the canal with it earlier.

INSPECTOR CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mr Inspector, what can I get you?

Well, that pork chop looks rancid, the soup is clearly snot

and are those fish guts hanging out of your hairnet?

-I don't want to talk about that.

-So, what's your verdict?

Well, your food is an absolute health hazard,

I should close you down immediately.

Oh.

However, this keep calm poster is the most hilarious thing

I think I've ever seen.

-I'm giving you ten out of ten.

-Hooray!

-Well done, love.

-Now, can I have some of that delicious-looking soup?

Of course. I'll fire up my nose. At-choo!

Oh.

And now Hacker Time proudly presents, Star Bores.

It's day one of our mission to Mars. Hacker, bring me the captain's log.

Will do.

-No, I mean the other type of log.

-Oh, all right.

Thwrrp! Thwrrp! Thwrrp!

-That stinks.

-Yeah, it is a tad fruity, I'll let a bit of air in.

No, Hacker, don't open that door. There's a terrible vacuum out there.

You're telling me. He's angry because he's got to clean up my log!

-Yes.

-I don't understand it.

We should be experiencing zero gravity right now.

We are, this zero's lost all sense of gravity.

Let's hope my number two doesn't float up... Oh, it is, look.

And so is me log.

Enough. Let's turn on the video screen.

This is ground control with a very important message...

HE BREAKS UP

We can't understand what you're saying.

Oh, don't worry, I'll pop round.

Ooh. The important message is...

HE BREAKS UP

Bye.

Oh no, the computer says we will experience a meteor shower

-at any moment.

-I already am.

We must be in a hard water area, look at all the meteors.

Stop mucking around, I think there's a serious problem with this rocket.

There is...it could do with more French dressing.

Be serious. The atmosphere in here is running low.

Never you fret, Margaret, I'll fix that immediately.

# Oh, what an atmosphere

# I love a party with a happy atmosphere... #

-Stop the music.

-All right, get out, stop the music, stop the fun.

-Hacker, we're never going to get to Mars now.

-Yes, we are.

-In fact, we're already there. Look.

-Hello, son.

-My ma's. Hello, Ma.

-Do you get it?

-I thought we were going to the planet Mars.

Don't be daft. Why would we be visiting my mum on the planet Mars.

Everyone knows she lives on Venus.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And now, it's the moment you haven't been waiting for,

it's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.

BELL RINGS

-Hey, Josh, how's your download going?

-I did one just after lunch.

That meat and potato pie wreaked havoc...

-No, Josh, I meant the computer.

-Oh, terrible.

-RAPS:

-I cannot work The computer's crashed

The picture's frozen The screen is smashed

Maybe it's a virus Maybe it's a worm

Call IT, me hard drive's got a germ.

Josh, my friend, all hope's not gone

Have you tried switching off And switching it back on?

Better still, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete

Re-enter your password It'll be sweet

# This technology It's distressing me

# I try and try But what's this Wi-Fi?

# The computer is the future

# Josh, impress your mind Don't get left behind

It'll never work, you can bet

I won't catch on to the internet

Who's Dot Com, what does she do?

And why does she always follow WWW?

Come back, Josh Calm down, let me take a look

It's all here in the instruction book

It's not worth it I'm packing it in

Josh, you buffoon It's not plugged in.

What am I like?

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats as we come to the

gripping climax of today's show - the quiz that we like to call...

Sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

Maggie, the rules of this game are bog standard. It's funny, that.

All you have to do is...

TOILET FLUSHES

Sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

-How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

-Very comfortable, thank you.

-The time will end when you hear this sound...

-Keep calm, don't carry on.

Start the clock. Name a planet.

Mars.

Incorrect, it was Jupiter.

Herman has disguised this prop as an object from outer space,

but what's that lamb-covered paddle to you?

Um, um...

-A paddle?

-No! It's a meaty oar, meteor. Do you get it?

-Yeah.

-I get it.

-Go away, Herman, you're not welcome round here.

Please say hello to my old friend and confidante, Acky G!

It's Accordion George, Acky Gee. Yes, it's me old chum, Acky Gee.

He is going to play a fantastic,

famous tune on his big old lovely acc.

But what is he playing? Take it away, Accordion G.

HE PLAYS A LIVELY TUNE

-Maggie, what was Acky G playing?

-I don't know. Was it Frere Jacques?

I doubt it, but let's see if you're right. Play it in, please.

MUSIC: All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor

# He's all about the bass 'bout the bass, no treble. #

Bass, bass, bass.

I'm afraid you're wrong, cocker.

It was All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor.

I'm not surprised you didn't get it cos you were rubbish, Ack.

Has it rusted or something?

Acky G, thank you for everything, but now you can go away. Thank you.

Give us a wave, Ack. Perfect. Thank you.

The big G. Right, what is the speed of light?

-300 million metres per second.

-No, it's much slower. Look.

What do Saturn and Jupiter have in common?

-They're both gas giants in the outer solar system.

-No.

They're both fans of snooker. They love it.

-Complete this sentence - space the final...

-Frontier.

No, it's space the final word in the sentence. Hello, I like space.

Keep calm, don't carry on.

Time's up, Margaret, that means you've won tonight's star prize...

A sprig of thyme and a train -

sprig of thyme and train not included.

What do you think about that, cocker?

Unexpected.

-Yes, and it's your lucky day because you've also won a holiday.

-To where?

A day trip to the sewers beneath the studio.

Have you got any last words before you go?

I'd like to say, it was really fun being here...

Herman, flush her away.

SCREAMING

What a lovely visitor from outer space.

Reet, I'm off to paint these walls terracotta

and install a breakfast bar.

But first, I shall sing my cloying song. Join in, cockers.

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Maggie Aderin-Pocock chatted space to this tiny dog

# We went on a rocket mission to Mars

# But it all went awry when Maggie stepped in the captain's log

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

Keep calm, it's only a vacuum!