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Hacker Time was voted Britain's eighth best dog-based chat show... | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
by Hacker. | 0:00:05 | 0:00:06 | |
MUSIC: Spanish Flea by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass | 0:00:11 | 0:00:17 | |
Ho-ho! Ho-ho! | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Ho-ho! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Ho-ho! Ho-ho! | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
Ah! Ah! Ah! | 0:00:27 | 0:00:31 | |
Ah! Ah! Ah! | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
Ho! Ha! Ah! Eee! | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
Families come in all shapes and sizes. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
And we're one big happy family on Hacker Time. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:45 | |
Will you shut up with that muesli, Lolly? | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
I'm trying to present on the telly! | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
MUSIC COMES TO A HALT | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
Herman, stop that incessant buttering and give me my toast! | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
Yes, Mr Hacker! | 0:00:55 | 0:00:56 | |
-Now, who's got that toothbrush? -Er... | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
..that I was using to clean the lav-lav? | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
TOILET FLUSHING | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
Would you like me to stop as well, Hacker? | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
No, Derek, I find your irritating ho-ho's strangely soothing. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:11 | |
Ho-ho! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
# My, my, my, my programme hits you | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
# So hard, makes me say, "Oh, my word" | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
# Thank you for watching me | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
# It's telly, but not what you normally see | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
# It feels good, there's out-takes too | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true | 0:01:37 | 0:01:38 | |
# So sit back, don't move too much | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
# This is the show, ha! You can't touch | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
-# Stop! -Hacker time! # | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
Stand by, everyone. We're on air in 5... | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
4, 3, | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
2, 1... | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
Cue Larry! | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the hound about town, your friend | 0:01:57 | 0:02:02 | |
and sometimes mine - Hacker T Dog! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
You all right, cockers? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
Today's show is all about family. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
And if there's one thing I love the most, it's the people | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
around me. Yes, family is really important to me. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
Hello, son! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
Get out! You're so unimportant to me! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
OK, darling! Love you, bye! | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Love you, Mum, bye. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
What a brute! | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
I don't know how anyone could be like that to their mother. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
-Derek! -Oh, Mother, what are you doing here?! | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
I just want to say that you're not that important to me either. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
-Bye, Son! -See you, Mother. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
Now, arriving any minute we've a couple of guests who know | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
all about family life. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Hi. I'm Millie from Millie Inbetween. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
And I'm Jeremy from Millie Inbetween. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
And we're here to film Millie Inbetween. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
And I'm Wilf. And I'm not in-between anything. Ha! | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
-Just step into the booth, go on. -What? | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Into the booth, you two, we need a new photograph for your ID. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
In the booth, shut the curtains! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Doors! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Ah! | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
ALARM SOUNDS | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
-What?! -Down! Heh! | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
-What's going on?! -Let me out! | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
THEY PROTEST | 0:03:06 | 0:03:07 | |
-Oh, come on. -HE WHISTLES | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Please welcome today's superstar celebrities, | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
it's Millie and Jeremy from Millie Inbetween! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
BOTH: Argh! | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
Welcome to Hacker Time, you two! Come on, cockers. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
No, no, we're not doing this. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
-No, sorry. -I need you to help me with my family problems! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
You're good at all that family stuff, aren't you? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
-Family? -Yeah. -Of course. -Belting! Herman! Come here! | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
Now, listen here, right, I've got this fantastic photo album here | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
-filled with priceless family memories. Aw! -Aw! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
-Do you like that? -Yeah. -Can you do me a quick favour? | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
Tuck it in that machine for me, will ya? Go on, get it in the machine. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
All the way down, cockle. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
Ha-ha, great, that, innit! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Derek, over to you. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Hang on, that's my family photo album you're shredding! | 0:03:52 | 0:03:56 | |
Treasured snaps of me with Mother! | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
It's for the best, Son. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:00 | |
-That floral print dress was unforgivable. -Ho-ho. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:05 | |
Millie and Jeremy appear on the hit BBC show Millie Inbetween. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
In the programme, Millie lives with her mum and sister | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
as well as her mum's boyfriend Mike, played by our Jezza. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
The Inbetween family like nothing more than watching classic episodes | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
of Hacker Time. Why aren't they laughing? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
Millie also played Maisy in Dani's House, where she learned to read | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
her lines off the side of her nose. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:28 | |
Meanwhile, Jeremy specialises in showing off his biceps | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
-whilst trumping. -PHRRT! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
And appearing on Holby City alongside | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
a luxury skyscraper hamster cage. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
And that's all you need to know about Millie - and Jeremy! | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
Ho-ho, heh-heh! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
How uncomplicated and traditional a family life you lot lead. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
Well, it's not really like that, Hacker. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
Ha! Larry, stick a bit of life into the proceedings before we all | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
fall asleep, will you? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
Ha-ha! You'll wanna say tune because today's show is all about family. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:59 | |
Coming up, Hacker has a bad dream... | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
A menace with a giant egg-shaped, erm...nostril was running amok | 0:05:02 | 0:05:07 | |
in a local lawnmower shop. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:08 | |
..Millie meets her owner's fam... | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
..and Miss Marbles is a little off-key. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
All this and more on Hacker Time! | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Now, first things first, are you all right there, Millie? | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
-I'm OK, thanks, Hacker. -Good. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
Because you're not in-between anybody. Are you all right, | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
-are you really all right? -Yeah, I'm OK, I don't have to be | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
-in-between people all the time. -Good. I'll move on. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
That's a pretty complicated set-up on Millie Inbetween, in't it? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
Tell me all about your family tree. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
There's Sharon and Millie and Lauren, | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
and then Mike comes in and moves in with Sharon, | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
but then of course, he brings in Craig because that's his son | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
from before. So then they move in... | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
All right, all right, all right, Jeremy. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
I didn't want your family history, did I? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
I need to say this to you. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
-I had a family tree once, too. But I chopped it down! -Oh, that's a shame. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
..to make this family bread bin! | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
Did somebody call? | 0:06:00 | 0:06:01 | |
No, I said family breadbin, not Wilfred Breadbin. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:05 | |
Oh... Are you my second cousin? | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
He's not your second cousin, you fool! | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
Your second cousin's a butter dish. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
-Oh! -Get out of it, Wilf. -I'm going! | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
My mum also gave me a potted history of the T Dog dynasty. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:19 | |
And here it is! | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
HE STRUGGLES | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
It wouldn't fit in the shredder, so I buried it. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
It's a potted history. You having that, Millie? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
It's a little joke. Potted history, plant pot - potted. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
Oh, I don't know why I bother. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
Millie, you're always falling out with your stepbrother Craig | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
-in the show, aren't you? -Yeah, he's not very nice. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
Oh, is he not? | 0:06:42 | 0:06:43 | |
Herman recently fell out with his stepbrother. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
Oh, why can't we get along, O brother of mine? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:51 | |
Because you just walk all over me! | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
Huh! | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Bit of stairs chat there. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Family values are important, in't they, Millie? | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
Yeah, really important. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:03 | |
Well, if family values are so important, | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
how much would you value this at? | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
No, that's sentimental value, Hacker. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
Is it? In that case, Herman, bring it in. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
And hurry up, will ya? Is that you squeaking or the thing? | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
Right, Jeremy, you know what to do. Here we are. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:21 | |
Shredded family values there. Lovely memories. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:28 | |
-Millie, are you all right though? -I promise I'm OK, Hacker. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
Because I can't help noticing you're still not between anything! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
Have you ever thought about being Millie In The Foreground? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Or Millie Fractionally Off Centre? | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
I really don't mind! | 0:07:40 | 0:07:41 | |
Millie On The Edge Of Summat has a nice ring to it. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
It's OK, Hacker, I'm fine. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Millicent Inbetwixt! | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
I'll move on. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:51 | |
Remember that time I made you run a midnight errand for me? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
-No. -Run it, Derek! | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Here, Millie, watch this! I'm gonna trick that Mike into getting me | 0:07:58 | 0:08:02 | |
some meat paste. Watch it! | 0:08:02 | 0:08:03 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
What is it? Are you OK? | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
Oh, no, Sharon, me old love. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:11 | |
I've had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that a menace with a giant | 0:08:11 | 0:08:16 | |
egg-shaped, erm...nostril was running amok in a local | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
lawnmower shop. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:21 | |
It was horrible! Maybe it would really help if Mike | 0:08:21 | 0:08:26 | |
could go to the local retail outlet and buy me 45 cubic tonnes | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
of meat paste! I think that would help me feel much, much better. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
Coming right up. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
Heh-heh. I can't believe how stupid that man is. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
Ha-ha! There really have been some rum old arguments round your gaff, | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
haven't there, cockers? | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
I bet you must sometimes think, "If those walls could talk, | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
"I wonder what they'd say." | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
No, I never wonder what the walls would say. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
Well, wonder no more, cocker, because exclusively to Hacker Time, | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
it's the wall from the hallway in Millie's house! | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
Hey, Wall, what's the juicy goss from Millie's house that we didn't | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
see in the series? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
Oh, well, I'm not much of a talker really. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
I just keep myself to myself. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
Well, what was the point in bringing you here then? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
Oh, Derek! Derek! | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
Hmm? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:14 | |
Now, Millie, I just need to ask. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
Are you all right there? Because you're still not between anyone. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:20 | |
Yes, Hacker, I'm fine. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Don't worry. I've sorted your little location situation. Observe! | 0:09:22 | 0:09:28 | |
Now you truly are Millie Inbetween again. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
I know how much it means to you. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:32 | |
Oi, Skeleton Inbetween is not a real programme, now go away! | 0:09:32 | 0:09:37 | |
Now, on Millie Inbetween there's a lot of sibling rivalry. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
But you know that older sisters are always stirring. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
-Did somebody say stair? -No! Your joke was earlier, now go away! | 0:09:44 | 0:09:49 | |
Talking of families, my mum recently took her husband back. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
As you can see. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
Hello, darling. I'd like to return this husband to the shop. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:59 | |
Certainly, madam! What's the fault? | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
-Er, he shrank in the wash. Can I exchange him for this espadrille? -No. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:09 | |
Now, Jeremy, you used to be a young star in the popular telly show | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
-Hollyoaks, didn't you? -Yeah. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:14 | |
But would you ever return to the show as someone's grandad? | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
-Not very nice, is it? -Yeah! Yes, it is! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
Of course I would, Hacker! | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
Millie, do you think children should be seen and not heard? | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
Good answer, cocker. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
And finally, when you do that thing where you talk to the camera | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
and nobody around you notices, what's all that about? | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Well, it's just like Millie explaining to the audience | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
-what's going on. -These people are so dull. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
Always going on about themselves. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
And what sort of a surname is Inbetween? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
Larry, help me out here, will you? | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Get your magnifying glasses at the ready! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
It's time for the Miss Marbles Mysteries. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
Hello. Who's this? I wonder who that is. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
Ho-ho! | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
How do? You all right, yeah? | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
Argh! | 0:11:13 | 0:11:14 | |
There's a sign. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
Ho-ho! | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
HE WHISTLES | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
Constable Heywayne, what can I do for you? | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
Well, I need your help, Miss Marbles. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Somebody's been terrorising Narrowchapel. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
What have they done? | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
Well, they started with some very rude vandalism. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
Aaaah... | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
At the tea room, they swapped the rock cakes with real rocks. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
CRUNCHING | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
Finally, they struck at the chemist's, | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
by substituting the toothache pills. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
What with? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
Trump tablets. PHRRT! | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
-Oh, it smells of rocks! -Excuse me, I need to pay a visit, so I should. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:22 | |
PHRRT! | 0:12:22 | 0:12:23 | |
Ha! At least they haven't swapped the toilet roll for sandpaper. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:27 | |
Ha-ha! | 0:12:27 | 0:12:28 | |
SCRATCHING | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
This is a case for Miss Marbles! | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
I'll unpack it later. I've got a mystery to solve first. Nyaaa-ha-ha! | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
-What did the culprit look like? -Well, she was about three foot tall. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:50 | |
Just like you. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:51 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
She was wearing a tweed hat and blazer, just like you. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
She was carrying a suitcase for no reason. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
Just like you! | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC SHE SCREAMS | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
And worst of all, she had a rancid, furry face. Just like you. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
So, Miss Marbles. Who do you think did it? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
Well, using all the descriptions, I've made this sketch. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:26 | |
I don't believe it. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
It's... | 0:13:31 | 0:13:32 | |
It's... | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
-It's... -I know! | 0:13:34 | 0:13:35 | |
Hideously ugly! Look at that face. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
It makes me want to physically retch. Ugh! | 0:13:38 | 0:13:43 | |
No, Miss Marbles. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:44 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS IN TEMPO | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
It's you! | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
-Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to accompany me. -Very well! | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
You sing it and I'll play it, cocker. La-la-la-la-la-la, hey! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:58 | |
No, Miss Marbles. I mean for you to accompany me to the station. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
You're under arrest! | 0:14:02 | 0:14:03 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
Agh! I didn't do anything! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
There must be someone identical to me who is purely evil! | 0:14:11 | 0:14:16 | |
But no-one like that exists. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Here, who's that? | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
Oh, it's my purely evil identical twin. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Good morning, Helena. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
HELENA GRUMBLES | 0:14:29 | 0:14:30 | |
-Oh, well, that explains everything, so it does. -Ta. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:36 | |
Sorry, madam, but you're going to have to come with me. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
SHE SHRIEKS | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
Huzzah! I knew I'd be proven innocent. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Now to restock that toilet paper. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
SCRATCHING AND SCREAMING | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
I can't watch any more of that. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
Hey, why don't we watch an epic cat fail video on YouBin? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
Oh, I love epic cat fails! | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
-Well, this is the best one ever. -Ho-ho! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
Mr Haddock, you've failed your driving test. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
Hey, if you think that's bad, wait till you see his other epic fails. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:17 | |
In the next one, he epically fails his GCSEs. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
Then he epically fails his eye test! | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
He even epically fails his cat exam. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
-He comes out as a pigeon! -How's that even possible? -I don't know, heh! | 0:15:24 | 0:15:30 | |
What's a cat exam? | 0:15:30 | 0:15:31 | |
Now, then. This show is all about families, as you know. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
And you've made us see | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
that there's no such thing as a typical family, haven't you? | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
Yep, we have. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:40 | |
Well, if you thought your family was strange, have a little look at this! | 0:15:40 | 0:15:44 | |
# Millie Inbetween really speaks to me | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
# I've got family issues too! | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
# Working with this team, it's like a bad dream | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
# I'm surrounded by such fools! | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
# Look at Derek, the worst producer | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
# He is hopeless for sure | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
# And there's Lolly, Wilfred and Herman | 0:16:12 | 0:16:16 | |
-# They're all such bores! -Oi! | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
# I get what you mean, I have always been | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
# Mortified to say the least | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
# Office load of chumps, they're a dreadful bunch | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
# Just like monkeys at a feast | 0:16:29 | 0:16:33 | |
# I know you've got a teenage sister | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
# Always winding you up | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
# And that Craig never stops being cheeky | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
# But listen up, because... | 0:16:43 | 0:16:47 | |
# Your lot can't be as bad as my family! # | 0:16:47 | 0:16:52 | |
And that's why families should be banned. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
Oh, hello, darling! Oh, what a lovely song! | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
It was a song about how much I dislike my family. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
Oh, me too! | 0:17:04 | 0:17:05 | |
I've got this dreadful son, he's so dull and boring! | 0:17:05 | 0:17:09 | |
He's called Hacker, such a naughty boy! | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
Larry, cut to something else, will you? While I deal with my mother. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
HE GROWLS | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
Ha, I know all about families. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
I thought I had a twin brother for seven years before I realised | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
it was just a mirror. Ha! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Coming up, we ask... | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
are you eating enough greens? | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
Oh. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
..is Jeremy a walrus? | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
And is this Hacker's worst nightmare? | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Mother's here. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
All this still to come on Hacker Time! | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
They say the good thing about family is that there's always someone | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
there to talk to, don't they? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
-Yeah, it's quite nice. -Well, I get sick of all this talking. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
All that needless chatter. The pointless yakking. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Why can't people just learn to sit in silence? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
HACKER CLUCKS | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
-Oh, is that the dinner bell? -Sh! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
I'm off. You two keep quiet while I'm away, will ya? | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
La-la-la-la-la... | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
Oh, I hope the dessert's got a coulis! | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
-Where's everyone gone? -Sh! | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
Bad news, Mrs B. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
We've got no bread, no sauce and no bread sauce. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:29 | |
Well, that's not too bad. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
Also, we have no other ingredients of any kind whatsoever. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
Apart from peas. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
I clicked nine million instead of one on the online order form. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
So, what are we going to do? | 0:18:40 | 0:18:41 | |
Don't worry, my love, I've got a plan. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
-Oh, customer. -Oh! | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
I'll have the spaghetti bolognese, please. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
Certainly, madam, Mrs B. That's it. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
Oh. Well, this doesn't look right. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Don't worry - it's just a new reci-pea. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
I'll have the roast chicken instead, please. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
With pleasure, sir. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Oh. Well, this is a touch on the green side. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
You want your eyes checking! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
There's nothing unusual about that plate, mister. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
You want your eyes checking! I'm a woman! | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
Well, look, I've changed my mind. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
I really fancy a lovely big bowl of peas. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:18 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
Peas are NOT on the menu, can't you read? | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
Yes, but it says... | 0:19:22 | 0:19:23 | |
-Oi! No reading. -Oh, well, that's just not on. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:28 | |
Wilf, takings are through the roof. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
We could get a new cooker with it, | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
or we could replace our butter dish. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
But I've already bought us something with our new-found cash. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
More peas! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
Oh, Wilfred! | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
I'll fire up the peas. I mean van. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
Pea, pea, peas. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
HE BURPS | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
Oh - ha - excuse me. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
Hacker Time is proud to present... The Jeremiah Rile Show. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
Welcome to The Jeremiah Rile Show. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
Today we've got a young lady who is being pushed over the edge | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
in many embarrassing ways. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
Let's meet our first guest. Give a warm welcome to Millie, everyone. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:14 | 0:20:15 | |
Give her a nice big round of applause, yes. That's it. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
Hi, Millie. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:18 | |
Now, my researchers tell me that your mum's boyfriend Mike is really | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
embarrassing, smells of basements and has a ghastly pullover. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:26 | |
You must be sick of it! | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
None of that is true. He's actually all right, you know. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
You have to be completely honest with me. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Nobody is judging you here. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
-HE BANGS GAVEL -She's guilty! | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
Get out of here, you! Off you pop, go on. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
Millie, do you deny that Mike smells of damp basements? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
Yes! I think his personal hygiene's pretty good. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
But he is embarrassing! Just look at this! | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
Yep, here he is dressing up as a walrus! | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
Oh, the shame he has brought upon the Inbetween family! | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
That's not a real photo. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:55 | |
All right. But you did say he's got a really hideous pullover! | 0:20:55 | 0:20:59 | |
He doesn't even own one! | 0:20:59 | 0:21:00 | |
Let's blow this wide open. Get Mike out here. Everybody, Mike. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
BOOS | 0:21:04 | 0:21:05 | |
Oh, you're getting a lot of boos, Mike. Oh, they've got your cards, | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
-Mike, don't they, cocker? -Hi, Jeremiah. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
-I am sitting down. -Don't interrupt me! | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
I didn't, but... sorry if I offended you. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Listen, sonny Jim. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
There's only one name above the door to this show and it's mine, OK? | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
I can see you're going to be a handful. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
Now are you going to apologise to her or not? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
-What for? -That dreadful basement-like smell that emits | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
-from your ways. -That isn't me. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Well, do you deny that your embarrassing ways have driven | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
a wedge between you two? Do you deny that?! | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
Me and Mills get along pretty well, don't we, eh? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
Yeah, he's not bad once you get past all the martial arts stuff. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
-Waa! -Will you two just calm down and listen?! | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
There's no way we're going to resolve this without help. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
It's time to welcome the pullover. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Right, we need to get to the bottom of this. Tell me your secret. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
-Why are you so angry? -The truth is, | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
-I'm not really a pullover at all! -GASPS | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
I'm actually a tank top. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
THEY ALL GASP | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
It's you! I didn't recognise you in those sleeves! | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
-Oh, you were always my favourite. -Oh, you're so embarrassing! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:15 | |
I'm leaving! | 0:22:15 | 0:22:16 | |
Whoa, don't go. Hey. No, don't. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
There's an important lesson in there somewhere. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
One last thing - the lie detector test. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
Before the show, I asked myself, "Is it true that this sketch | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
"is going to be a load of feeble puns and garment-based humour?" | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
Well, I've got the results here. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
And the answer is... | 0:22:32 | 0:22:33 | |
true. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
Oh, you DO smell of damp basements. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
It's time for school, but don't worry, | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
you won't be learning anything. Ha! | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
It's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
-It's parents' evening, Josh, are you excited? -No, Dexter! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
-I'm dreading it! -Oh, don't be silly. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
You've done some sterling work this term. Your mum will be ever so proud. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:01 | |
But don't you see? It's not my work that's the problem. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
It's her! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:05 | |
# It's parents' evening at the school | 0:23:06 | 0:23:10 | |
-# Don't want my mum here -Why? | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
-# She's totally not cool -No way! | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
# You're being daft, Josh, have no fear | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
# Your mother's great, she's a nice old dear | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
# Just relax and have some fun | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
# She'll be proud of you, cos you're her son | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
# Dexter, don't you remember | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
# The PTA Christmas fair last December? | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
# She only went and ruined the prize tombola | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
# By filling it up with Gorgonzola | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
# Then she ran amok in Santa's grotto | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
# When she painted on the wall a naughty motto | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
# She terrified the actors in the school play | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
# I'd never seen a donkey run away | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
# The PE teacher was in a lot of pain | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
# Mr Gomez from languages moved to Spain | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
# Mrs Smith from biology lost her brain | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
# The poor headmaster got flushed down the drain | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
# The school caretaker was cleaning for weeks | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
# And that was just the lipstick on his cheeks | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
# Oh, Josh, I'm sorry, you're telling the truth | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
# We've got to stop her, she's on the loose! | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
# She's a terror like no other | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
# The out-of-control scary mother | 0:23:58 | 0:24:02 | |
# She's a nightmare, a total menace | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
# Oh, look, now she's chasing Mr Dennis! # | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
Erm, we don't have a teacher here called Mr Dennis. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
I know, it just rhymed. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
Hello, boys! Mother's here. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:19 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show, | 0:24:22 | 0:24:27 | |
the quiz that we like to call... | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
Sit on my lav-lav and answer some questions. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
TOILET FLUSHING | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
Mille and Jeremy, the rules of this game are bog-standard. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
It's funny, that, innit? | 0:24:42 | 0:24:43 | |
All you have to do is... | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
TOILET FLUSHING | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
..sit on my lav-lav and answer some questions. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
-How does it feel to be sat upon my throne? -Amazing, Hacker. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:57 | |
-Great, yeah. -Belting. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
The time will end when you hear this sound. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
I could have gone to drama school! | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
-Are you ready? -BOTH: Yeah. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
In that case, start the clock! | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
In Millie Inbetween, which is a real character? | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Is it Millie or Lauren? | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
-Erm... -Millie, cos Millie's a real person. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
-Whereas Lauren's just a character. -No, I'm afraid the answer was yes. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
Now, this is Wilf Breadbin here. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
The question is, what's in my breadbin? | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
-Bread. -No, I'm afraid not in that breadbin. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:30 | |
What's in Wilf Breadbin? Wilf, what's in you? | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
-Nothing, I'm running on empty! -Then go away. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
Next question. Millie, who is your mum's stepson's stepsister's | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
stepsister's brother's mum's partner's daughter? | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
Me. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Correct! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:51 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:25:51 | 0:25:52 | |
It is you. Very good. I notice you didn't get that. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:56 | |
-Complete the title of this CBBC show. The Next... -Step. | 0:25:56 | 0:26:01 | |
I'm afraid it's not, it's the next episode of Millie Inbetween. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
-Oh, OK. -Of course! | 0:26:04 | 0:26:05 | |
Complete the title of this CBBC show. The Dog Ate My... | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
BOTH: Homework. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:09 | |
-No, it was The Dog Ate My Remote Control. Aw! -OK. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
Complete the title of this CBBC show. Help, My Supply Teacher Is... | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
-Magic. -No, it was Help, My Supply Teacher Is Angry Because | 0:26:17 | 0:26:21 | |
I Was Late To Class After The Dog Ate My Remote Control. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
I could have gone to drama school. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
Time's up! That means you've won tonight's star prize. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
-Yeah! -A pair of gloves! | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
Both gloves for the right hand. Not a matching pair. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
A pair of dirty, stinking gloves. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
-What do you think about that, cocker? -It...It's great. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
Thank you. Yeah, I mean, I love gloves. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
Well, it's your lucky day. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
Because you've also won a holiday! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
A day trip for one to the waste pipes underneath the studio. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:52 | |
Have you got any last words before you go? | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
Well, yeah... THEY BANG ON DOOR | 0:26:54 | 0:26:56 | |
Herman! | 0:26:56 | 0:26:57 | |
Flush them away! | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
FLUSHING | 0:26:59 | 0:27:00 | |
HERMAN CHUCKLES | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
Who were those people? | 0:27:02 | 0:27:03 | |
No matter, because before I nip off to the wholesalers, | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
here's a little ditty I wrote. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
Sing along, why don't you! | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
# That is it for now, the end of the show | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time! | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
# It's been amazing, we've been larking around | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
# The whole programme cost just under a pound | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
# Watch again next time cos we've got much more | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
# Jez and Millie got involved | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
# Told me tales of their family life | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
# They went on The Rile Show | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
# And a jumper appeared but lost his sleeves | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
# And Jezza admitted that Millie was right | 0:27:43 | 0:27:44 | |
# That is it for now, the end of the show | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! # | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
I'm not a pullover, I'm a tank top! | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 |