Rav Wilding Hacker Time

Today's Hacker Time was formerly known as Tomorrow's Hacker Time...

yesterday.

Morning, all! Hoo-hoo! Heh-hey!

T...

I don't believe it!

We've been... We've been...

We've been...

very slack on the cleaning rota this week.

Hoo-hoo! What a mess!

Well, I AM trying to tidy up, Derek.

-Lolly! Are you all right in all that detritus?

-I'm fine.

It's Herman you ought to be worried about.

Save yourselves! It's too late for me.

Fair enough. I'd better see what state the kitchen's in.

I can't function without my nutty granola. Hoo-hoo!

Wilf! What's going on in here?

Well, I'm trying to wash up, aren't I, but there isn't much room.

I'm a mushroom. I've just grown from this tea towel.

Right, get this cleaned up, Wilf, or we'll get rats as well.

We already have.

Yes, and I'm going somewhere much cleaner.

My dirty, festering sewer.

-HE SNIFFS

-What's that rancid smell?

Hacker! Mm!

But it's not me. It's your feet, Derek.

It can't be. I put new socks on every day.

I know, but you're supposed to take the old ones off first.

HACKER LAUGHS

Well, at least for once I'm not the butt of the joke.

Run titles, ho-ho!

You gonna watch this?

You gotta watch this!

You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my, my programme hits you

So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

Thank you for watching me

It's telly, but not what you normally see

It feels good, there's outtakes too Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

So sit back - don't move too much

This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.

-Stop!

-Hacker Time!

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five...

four, three, two, one.

Cue Larry!

Ladies and gentlemen,

make as much noise as you can muster for the one, the only...

Hacker T Dog!

Good day, cockers. Today's show is all about crime.

Which is just as well,

because most of the jokes are pinched from old Christmas crackers.

That's why I'm wearing this fetching hat.

That reminds me, Derek. How's next week's script coming along?

There's only one way to find out. Hoo-hoo!

Anyway, today's guest is a detective who says he knows all about crime.

But he hasn't managed to detect that he's coming here.

-Yeah, hi.

-Hello.

-I'm Rav Wilding.

I'm here for an important interview for a public service broadcast.

Lovely, step this way, Ralph. Get in the booth.

I need to take a new photograph for your security pass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. That says "Guild of Fake Security Guards".

-What's all that about?

-That's a typo, yeah.

Now, get in the booth! Get in the booth, Ralph.

-I'm not sure about this.

-Go on, Ralph. Shut the curtains.

-Are you sure?

-Shut 'em. Shut 'em right closed, yeah.

Shut the doors. There's Ralph Wildboar. Yeah.

KLAXON BLARES

HE CHUCKLES

Let me out of here! What's going on?

-Oh, come on.

-HACKER WHISTLES

Whoa!

Please welcome former policeman and crime expert Rav Wilding!

-Welcome to Hacker Time, Rav!

-Oh, I'm out of here.

Whoa, whoa. Don't go. There's a juicy whodunnit to solve.

Ohh... Go on, then.

The crime is...this smell.

PARP

Oh! That's a pretty easy one to solve.

You are the prime suspect.

You've cracked the case! I'll come along quietly, Rav.

-PARP

-Ooh. Maybe I won't!

Derek, the fact file.

Oh, I can smell that in here.

No, Derek, that's your foot.

Oh, yeah.

Rav Wilding is a former soldier and police detective

and was a presenter on CBBC's action-packed show Hero Squad.

He also presented on Crimewatch, where his undercover policing skills

helped him blend in with the furniture.

He competed on Strictly Come Dancing,

but his performance was worse than his shirt.

He got voted off in week three.

And that's all you'll ever need to know about Rav Wilding. Whoo-hoo!

Police! The Army. Hero Squad.

-What a tedious life you lead.

-Oi!

Larry, sprinkle some glitter on this dullard, will you?

Stay tuned, because today's show is really arresting.

Coming up, Ms Marbles puts her best foot forward.

Derek puts his worst foot forward.

And Hacker has to hotfoot it from the law.

All this and more on Hacker Time.

Rav Wilding, if that is your real name...

-Of course it's my real name.

-Whoa, whoa. I'll do the talking.

I'm doing the good cop, bad cop bit. Would you like a cup of tea?

-That sounds very nice, thank you.

-Does this look like a cafe?

-No.

-No need to answer. It was a rhetorical question.

I was in the guise of bad cop.

Now, Rav, where were you on the night of 11th August 2014?

-I don't know!

-You were doing this.

It's a photo of the night you learnt to tie your shoelaces, aged 28.

Look how pleased you are with yourself.

-Oh, very nice.

-Are you proud of yourself?

-Very!

-You should be.

Do you remember that time when you were so bad at dancing,

you just laid down on the floor and had a jolly good laugh about it?

-Do you like it?

-Yeah.

-Now, Rav, have you ever been undercover?

-Yes.

-Really?

-Of course.

I don't like being undercover.

I prefer to sleep on top of the sheets.

I have terrible night sweats,

because my thermostat's on the blink.

So, Rav, what's all this money laundering

I've heard so much about?

Money laundering's basically when criminals hide proceeds of crime

under the name of a fake business.

Between you and me, I think my mum's been laundering money.

# Ba-baa-baa ba-baa

# Ba-ba-ba. #

-That's not money laundering!

-Oh, but it is.

She opened that laundry business

to cover up all the cash she nicked from Herman.

Oh, that gigantic £5, that was all I had in this world.

One thing I like about crime shows

is when they do those reconstructions.

Tell me about them, Rav.

Well, that's basically when we recreate an incident

so that, hopefully, it will jog people's memories

so they can get in touch if they remember what happened.

Oooh. Let's reconstruct that question.

Now, then, this reconstruction business, what is it?

Well, we'd recreate an incident

in the hope that it would jog people's memories

so that they could get in touch.

What he said.

If you have any information

that could lead to solving these terrible crimes against humour...

..er, or you've seen the whereabouts of our telephone, then call...

Oh, hang on, you can't, can you?

Moving on... Rav, have you ever had a stakeout?

I've worked on stakeouts.

Wilf and I had a STEAK out last night.

Mine was supposed to be medium rare, but the blighter singed it.

Do you remember the time I judged your food on Celebrity MasterChef?

No, I don't remember that.

Feast your mince-pie eyes on this key lime pie, me old chai.

No.

Let's move on to this.

I think it's perfectly balanced. I think it looks fantastic.

-I really like it. Like, really, really like it.

-Are you sure, John?

It looks horrific. Oh, right, then. Let me have a go.

Oh, it's harder than it looks, this. Gregg, can you take over, mate?

Buttery, gingery biscuit, sweetness and lime sharpness as well.

That is very, very yummy.

-Thank you.

-You could serve that up in a restaurant.

-Are you sure, Gregg? It looks abominable.

-Thank you.

-Now, listen, how important is response time?

-Oh, it's very...

Too slow! I'm afraid you did not respond quickly enough,

and that has put the life of this interview at risk, my dear.

At risk, I tell you.

You've risk-ed my interview and I will not allow it.

Bad cop there kicking in again.

Now, you've worked with all the emergency services on Hero Squad.

Which is the best emergency service?

I'm going to be biased.

-I'll probably say the police.

-Good choice, cocker.

But my favourite emergency service is now the coastguard.

I remember when Derek was a coastguard.

Coastguard, there's someone in distress.

Why are you running so slowly?

It's me massive socks. They've become waterlogged.

Now, Rav, fingerprints are important, aren't they?

Oh, very, very important. Yes.

Well, I've got my own finger-PRINCE.

I need to leave. I have to attend the state opening of palm-liament.

All right, go away. Get out of my sight. Back to cop stuff.

I love it on your show when people's faces are blurred out

because people don't want to be seen on the programme.

Imagine not wanting to be seen on a television programme, Lolly.

Yeah, imagine that.

Lorraine, where's your loyalty?

Wilding, you sicken me.

Larry, cut away from these ungrateful so-and-sos.

Get your magnifying glasses at the ready.

It's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries.

-Hello.

-MUTTERS

Whoo-hoo!

How do!

You all right, yeah? Ahh!

CRASH!

WHISTLES JAUNTILY

-I'd like a return ticket.

-Oh, return, yeah. Well, here you go.

Now, could you return it, please?

-Where would you like to go?

-How about Ramsbottom?

Baa!

No, not you. I was on about the place.

Oh, sorry, madam. We don't do PLAICE.

Only the trout.

-These are very old jokes.

-Yeah, they all got delayed at Crewe.

Ms Marbles, what are you doing standing on this platform?

Because I wasn't concentrating when I put my espadrilles on. Look.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

No. What are you doing standing on this station platform?

Oh, because I'm travelling to the National Skirting Board Museum.

They've got a special exhibit on bevelled chamfers. Yes!

-Imagine such a thing!

-Oh, well, mind how you go.

We've reason to believe there's a... murmurer on the loose.

-A...murmurer?

-Yes. A murmurer.

He's been terrorising the national railways for quite some time now.

But what does this...

-GULPS

-..murmurer do?

Well...

-He comes up to you slowly.

-Really slowly.

And he puts his hand on your shoulder.

-He...

-He what?

-He murmurs really terrible jokes in your ear.

-That sounds horrific.

I don't think I'll ever get on a train again.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-All aboard.

-Oh, look, a train. I must get on it.

-Skirting boards, here I come.

-TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

-Oh, Ms Marbles, there's something else I must tell you.

-Yes?

-Something I've been meaning to tell you for quite some time.

-Yes?

-Something that will have a great effect on your life.

-Yes?

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

I found your suitcase. You left it on the platform.

I wonder what he wanted.

Ooh! This looks like a nice, friendly carriage.

Ah! There we are. The murmurer will never get me here.

I say, I say, I say.

SCREAMS

You're going to have to move, madam. These seats are reserved.

-Are they?

-I'm afraid we are.

We're so reserved, we didn't like to say anything.

Oh.

Ah! Ha-ha! Well, the murmurer definitely won't strike here.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

Did you hear the one about the...

SCREAMS

-..selection of refreshments we have on offer today?

-Ohh!

It's just another red herring.

Hm? Oh, no.

It's the trout from the ticket office.

Well, at least there's still no sign of the murmurer.

A funny thing happened to me on the way here.

SCREAMS

I found your suitcase on the platform.

-I've been chasing this train for 78 miles.

-Oh, Constable Haywain!

-I knew it all along.

-You knew?

Yeah, I set the whole thing up, cocker.

-Well, why?

-So that you'd accompany me to the Skirting Board Museum.

Now we can literally watch paint dry together.

Still, at least there's no sign of that murmurer.

I say, I say, I say. My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Of trout.

Oh, I'd rather watch paint dry.

Oh, I wonder what's been posted on YouBend today.

-I saw a great fitness vlog earlier.

-A fitness vlog?

-Mm.

-Well, that sounds strenuous.

-It is. But it's sure worth it.

Check out my biceps.

Ohh.

Hello, fitness fans. Today, I wanted to vlog about running.

A lot of my followers often ask,

"Dennis, how do you train to run a marathon?"

Firstly, my name's not Dennis.

Secondly, it's all about a spicy curry diet. The spicier, the better.

Mm. I...

I find that that works perfectly.

I'm really sorry. I must away.

Oooh-ooh-ooh!

Hang on. What's eating all that curry got to do with exercise?

Oh-ho! More than you think, Lorraine.

Since I had that prawn bhuna, I haven't stopped running.

To the toilet!

Gotta dash. Hoo-hoo!

Keep on running.

Now, Rav, I've got a question for you.

-Why won't you leave me alone in the past?

-Eh?

Well, I keep trying to do an honest day's ducking and diving.

You know, like they used to do in the old films and that?

-And you keep sticking your oar in.

-I don't know what you're on about.

Then I shall explain it to you via the medium of a little ditty of woe.

-PIANO PLAYS

-Hey.

# I was just loitering on the high street one day

# Looking for someone stupid to scam

# When comes this likely lad just a-whistling along

# I tried to sell him half a used ham

# But it turned out he was a cop

# He followed me, now I'm on the hop

# Wilding's his name, he never stops

# When he's around Well, my scams all flop

# Fast forward to Sunday and I'm hanging around

# Trying to flog someone this old stick

# I look behind me and like a bad smell, he's there

# To get one past Rav Wilding, be quick

# I said to get one past Rav Wilding, be quick

# All together now! To get one past Rav Wilding, be quick

# Quick, quickety-quick, yes. #

-Eh?

-Hey!

-Very good!

-Good, wasn't it? So, stop sticking your nose in.

In business completely unrelated to what you've just seen and heard,

would you like to purchase some premium ham?

Yeah, go on, then.

Ha-ha! What a mug!

Larry, what's coming up?

Oh... I think it's the ham.

This show is as complex as a three-year fraud investigation.

And much less funny. Coming up...

Rav says something unusual to himself.

I think I've just smelt your parallelograms.

-Hacker makes an exhibition of himself.

-This won't distract anyone.

And Wilf condemns himself.

All this still to come on Hacker Time.

Now, then, Rav, just explain this to me once more.

-Someone who commits a cybercrime is called a...

-Hacker.

Just let me finish, will you?

Somebody who breaks into a computer system is known as a...

-Hacker.

-Let me finish!

BELL RINGS

Nope, it's gone. Maybe some food will help.

# La-la-la-la, grub. #

Oooh. Oooh. Oooh. I hope it's tagine.

Hacker? Guys? Guys!

Wilf, everything's got to be perfect today. I've had a tip-off.

-The food inspector's coming.

-I've got a feeling he's nearby.

I think you're right, Wilf. This might be him coming now.

-I'll try the sponge and custard.

-Oh, yes, he's going to like this.

I bet he'll love it, I bet he does. Yeah, yeah.

This custard is perfect.

Oh! Eh!

For a bit of grouting.

Oh, does this mean we've failed the inspection, then?

No! No, my dear lady. You've passed.

But, Mr Food Inspector, I don't understand.

I'm not the food inspector. Oh, no, no, no. I'm the building inspector.

Oh, your wares are divine.

Yes, I'd use your sponge for cement on my building site any day.

But if you're the building inspector, who's the food inspector?

-That's me, isn't it? I've done a course.

-That makes no sense.

Then neither will this.

I'm shutting us down.

Wilfred!

Our livelihood!

-Ohhh!

-Oh, yeah.

I'll fire up the van.

BELL RINGS

HE BURPS Oh, 'scuse I!

Hacker Time is proud to present...

Welcome to my survival guide. I'm Rav Wilding.

And this is Hero And Zero.

-I'm the hero.

-Oh, great. I'm not going along with this.

That implies I'm the zero, doesn't it? I'm not having it.

Always make sure your nearest source of running water.

WATER TRICKLES

-As you can hear, we're near a mountain stream.

-That's the ticket.

-Just releasing all of this liquid.

-Hacker!

-Sorry, Rav.

-I was just pouring a nice drink for you from this kettle.

-Ohh! OK.

-Thanks, Hacker.

-That's all right.

Now, hydration is very important, and this water has been filtered

through layers and layers of mountain rock,

so it's full of natural goodness.

Yeah, that mountain water's had an extra level of filtering.

-Through a dog.

-Oh, Hacker!

-It's all right, Rav.

-It's very important to have three square meals a day.

-Oh, no.

I've only packed these parallelogram-shaped meals.

I can't believe it.

Well, cooking's a lot easier if you have gas.

-Hacker, did you bring the gas?

-No, I've got electric.

GUITAR RIFF

Hang on a minute. How are you powering that electric guitar?

-Oh, using gas.

-So you HAVE got gas?

-Always, my dear.

PARP

RAV GROANS

Hacker! I think I've just smelt your parallelograms.

Stars can be really important for navigation.

-If you look up, you can see Orion's Belt.

-Hang on.

If that's Orion's Belt, how do his trousers stay up?

Oh! Now I can see the moon.

At night, make sure you've got a sleeping bag.

I don't know how this is helping.

SNORING Ohh!

Well, for a little extra comfort, you can also use an inflatable bed.

-But first, you just need to blow it up.

-Done and done.

Now you've really gone and done it. You've woken up the sleeping bag!

Oh! I've just had a terrible nightmare.

I was on Hacker Time.

Thank you!

If you like second-rate imitation then you'll love this.

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

-Ah, it's all right, this, innit, eh?

-Josh, what on earth is that?

I think it's a haddock sandwich.

No, this haircut.

-You know it breaks all the rules.

-Oh, get over it.

# In the classroom it's the only way

# To show the world my personality

# So now, thanks, we've had enough talk

# About my atomic purple mohawk

# Bad news for you, Josh You know the rule

# Haircuts aren't allowed to distract the whole school

# Uniform's important I have to stress

# But, seriously, mate You look like a mess

# I look like a mess? Ha! As if!

# You wouldn't say that about Jedward's quiffs

# Wacky haircuts are simply top-notch

# If you don't believe me, huargh! Just watch

# Oh, yeah, we all love hair

# Style it up like you just don't care

# Mullets, Afros and even curls

# What about plaits like Cumberland swirls?

# Get your blow dryer and a comb at once

# Wear a pineapple on your bonce

# Make those people stop and stare

# At your finely waxed and blow-dried coiffure

# Thanks for the lesson on hair and style

# But that beehive breaks the rules by a country mile

# It's putting the class off A total eyesore

# Get to the barber's by half past four

# Think short back and sides Not French Revolution

# In the meantime We need a solution

# If it's a problem I'll put on my hat

# Great idea, do just that. #

HORN HONKS

This won't distract anyone.

HORN HONKS

Ladies and gentlemen,

hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show,

the quiz that we like to call...

Sit On My Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

TOILET FLUSHES

Rav, the rules of this game are simple. All you have to do is...

TOILET FLUSHES

..sit on the bog and answer some questions.

The time will end when you hear this sound.

Oh, why did you wake me up?

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

-In that case, start the clock.

In the police force, what's a PC?

A police constable.

No, sorry, it's a computer, obviously.

Herman has disguised this piece of sporting equipment

as a famous crime-fighter, but who is it?

-Batman.

-No, it's Super Cricket Utensil.

Go away, Herman. Good, that, wasn't it?

Complete this well-known catchphrase.

Goodnight and don't have...

-Nightmares.

-No. It's "the cheeseboard before bedtime".

It's now time for the music round.

Welcome my chum, and soon to be yours - Accordion George.

# It's Accordion George

# Accy G, acc, acc, acc. #

You, Rav, must guess what popular tune he's playing.

Take it away, the big G.

ACCORDION GEORGE PLAYS A POP TUNE

Well done, Accy G, that was atrocious. Rav, what was that?

It's, um...

-It's on the tip of my tongue.

-Let's have a look.

# The players gonna play, play, play, play, play

# And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

# Shake it off, shake it off... #

The correct answer was Shake It Off by Taylor Swift.

You were very, very bad at that,

but to be fair, Accy G was rubbish playing that.

Have you got cream cheese forced into your air bag or something?

You want to get that thing MOTed. Get away! And take your stool.

I'm shaking you off like Taylor Swift should have done. Right...

Porridge and bird are other names for what?

A prison sentence.

No, it was oatmeal and ornithological creatures.

-Oh, why did you wake me up?

-That's the end.

That's the end of the thing.

-That means you've won tonight's star prize.

-Yay!

Six premium crisps in various states of decay.

Flavours will vary. Crisps stale. Bag not included.

-Brilliant, thank you(!)

-Yeah.

Well, it's your lucky day, Rav, because you've also won a holiday.

-Yay!

-Yes, a day trip for one to the sewers 'neath the studio.

Have you got any last words before you go, Rav?

Hey-hey! Herman, flush him away.

TOILET FLUSHES

What a delightful talking bag of muscles that was.

I would have loved to have chatted for longer,

but I must away to purloin a sheet of medium-density fibreboard

and some appropriate sealant.

But first, I shall sing my terrible song. Join in if you know the words.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Rav Wilding, the former cop, helped me out with a camping guide

# We learnt how to navigate and I made him a lovely drink

# Which was a moment of personal pride

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

If you've been affected by any of the jokes in this episode

then congratulations!