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Today's Hacker Time was formerly known as Tomorrow's Hacker Time... | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
yesterday. | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
Morning, all! Hoo-hoo! Heh-hey! | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
T... | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
I don't believe it! | 0:00:11 | 0:00:12 | |
We've been... We've been... | 0:00:12 | 0:00:16 | |
We've been... | 0:00:16 | 0:00:17 | |
very slack on the cleaning rota this week. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
Hoo-hoo! What a mess! | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
Well, I AM trying to tidy up, Derek. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
-Lolly! Are you all right in all that detritus? -I'm fine. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:29 | |
It's Herman you ought to be worried about. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
Save yourselves! It's too late for me. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
Fair enough. I'd better see what state the kitchen's in. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
I can't function without my nutty granola. Hoo-hoo! | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
Wilf! What's going on in here? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Well, I'm trying to wash up, aren't I, but there isn't much room. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
I'm a mushroom. I've just grown from this tea towel. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:54 | |
Right, get this cleaned up, Wilf, or we'll get rats as well. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
We already have. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Yes, and I'm going somewhere much cleaner. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
My dirty, festering sewer. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
-HE SNIFFS -What's that rancid smell? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
Hacker! Mm! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
But it's not me. It's your feet, Derek. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
It can't be. I put new socks on every day. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:21 | |
I know, but you're supposed to take the old ones off first. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
HACKER LAUGHS | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Well, at least for once I'm not the butt of the joke. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:31 | |
Run titles, ho-ho! | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
You gonna watch this? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:39 | |
You gotta watch this! | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
You gotta watch this! | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
-HE RAPS: -My, my, my, my programme hits you | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!" | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Thank you for watching me | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
It's telly, but not what you normally see | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
It feels good, there's outtakes too Comedy, guests and clips, it's true | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
So sit back - don't move too much | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
-Stop! -Hacker Time! | 0:02:05 | 0:02:06 | |
Thank you. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five... | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
four, three, two, one. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
Cue Larry! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
make as much noise as you can muster for the one, the only... | 0:02:20 | 0:02:24 | |
Hacker T Dog! | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
Good day, cockers. Today's show is all about crime. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
Which is just as well, | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
because most of the jokes are pinched from old Christmas crackers. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
That's why I'm wearing this fetching hat. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
That reminds me, Derek. How's next week's script coming along? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
There's only one way to find out. Hoo-hoo! | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Anyway, today's guest is a detective who says he knows all about crime. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
But he hasn't managed to detect that he's coming here. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:52 | |
-Yeah, hi. -Hello. -I'm Rav Wilding. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
I'm here for an important interview for a public service broadcast. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
Lovely, step this way, Ralph. Get in the booth. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
I need to take a new photograph for your security pass. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. That says "Guild of Fake Security Guards". | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
-What's all that about? -That's a typo, yeah. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Now, get in the booth! Get in the booth, Ralph. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
-I'm not sure about this. -Go on, Ralph. Shut the curtains. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
-Are you sure? -Shut 'em. Shut 'em right closed, yeah. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Shut the doors. There's Ralph Wildboar. Yeah. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
KLAXON BLARES | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Let me out of here! What's going on? | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
-Oh, come on. -HACKER WHISTLES | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
Whoa! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Please welcome former policeman and crime expert Rav Wilding! | 0:03:32 | 0:03:38 | |
-Welcome to Hacker Time, Rav! -Oh, I'm out of here. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:43 | |
Whoa, whoa. Don't go. There's a juicy whodunnit to solve. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
Ohh... Go on, then. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
The crime is...this smell. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
PARP | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Oh! That's a pretty easy one to solve. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
You are the prime suspect. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
You've cracked the case! I'll come along quietly, Rav. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
-PARP -Ooh. Maybe I won't! | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
Derek, the fact file. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Oh, I can smell that in here. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
No, Derek, that's your foot. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
Rav Wilding is a former soldier and police detective | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
and was a presenter on CBBC's action-packed show Hero Squad. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
He also presented on Crimewatch, where his undercover policing skills | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
helped him blend in with the furniture. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
He competed on Strictly Come Dancing, | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
but his performance was worse than his shirt. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
He got voted off in week three. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
And that's all you'll ever need to know about Rav Wilding. Whoo-hoo! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
Police! The Army. Hero Squad. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
-What a tedious life you lead. -Oi! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Larry, sprinkle some glitter on this dullard, will you? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
Stay tuned, because today's show is really arresting. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
Coming up, Ms Marbles puts her best foot forward. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
Derek puts his worst foot forward. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
And Hacker has to hotfoot it from the law. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
All this and more on Hacker Time. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
Rav Wilding, if that is your real name... | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
-Of course it's my real name. -Whoa, whoa. I'll do the talking. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
I'm doing the good cop, bad cop bit. Would you like a cup of tea? | 0:05:16 | 0:05:20 | |
-That sounds very nice, thank you. -Does this look like a cafe? | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
-No. -No need to answer. It was a rhetorical question. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
I was in the guise of bad cop. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
Now, Rav, where were you on the night of 11th August 2014? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:34 | |
-I don't know! -You were doing this. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
It's a photo of the night you learnt to tie your shoelaces, aged 28. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
Look how pleased you are with yourself. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
-Oh, very nice. -Are you proud of yourself? -Very! -You should be. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:51 | |
Do you remember that time when you were so bad at dancing, | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
you just laid down on the floor and had a jolly good laugh about it? | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
-Do you like it? -Yeah. -Now, Rav, have you ever been undercover? | 0:05:58 | 0:06:03 | |
-Yes. -Really? -Of course. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
I don't like being undercover. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:07 | |
I prefer to sleep on top of the sheets. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
I have terrible night sweats, | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
because my thermostat's on the blink. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
So, Rav, what's all this money laundering | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
I've heard so much about? | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
Money laundering's basically when criminals hide proceeds of crime | 0:06:18 | 0:06:23 | |
under the name of a fake business. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
Between you and me, I think my mum's been laundering money. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:30 | |
# Ba-baa-baa ba-baa | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
# Ba-ba-ba. # | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
-That's not money laundering! -Oh, but it is. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:39 | |
She opened that laundry business | 0:06:39 | 0:06:40 | |
to cover up all the cash she nicked from Herman. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
Oh, that gigantic £5, that was all I had in this world. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:49 | |
One thing I like about crime shows | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
is when they do those reconstructions. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Tell me about them, Rav. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
Well, that's basically when we recreate an incident | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
so that, hopefully, it will jog people's memories | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
so they can get in touch if they remember what happened. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
Oooh. Let's reconstruct that question. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
Now, then, this reconstruction business, what is it? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
Well, we'd recreate an incident | 0:07:12 | 0:07:13 | |
in the hope that it would jog people's memories | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
so that they could get in touch. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
What he said. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
If you have any information | 0:07:20 | 0:07:21 | |
that could lead to solving these terrible crimes against humour... | 0:07:21 | 0:07:25 | |
..er, or you've seen the whereabouts of our telephone, then call... | 0:07:26 | 0:07:31 | |
Oh, hang on, you can't, can you? | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
Moving on... Rav, have you ever had a stakeout? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
I've worked on stakeouts. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
Wilf and I had a STEAK out last night. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
Mine was supposed to be medium rare, but the blighter singed it. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:46 | |
Do you remember the time I judged your food on Celebrity MasterChef? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
No, I don't remember that. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
Feast your mince-pie eyes on this key lime pie, me old chai. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:56 | |
No. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Let's move on to this. | 0:07:58 | 0:07:59 | |
I think it's perfectly balanced. I think it looks fantastic. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
-I really like it. Like, really, really like it. -Are you sure, John? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:09 | |
It looks horrific. Oh, right, then. Let me have a go. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:13 | |
Oh, it's harder than it looks, this. Gregg, can you take over, mate? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:22 | |
Buttery, gingery biscuit, sweetness and lime sharpness as well. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:29 | |
That is very, very yummy. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
-Thank you. -You could serve that up in a restaurant. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
-Are you sure, Gregg? It looks abominable. -Thank you. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
-Now, listen, how important is response time? -Oh, it's very... | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
Too slow! I'm afraid you did not respond quickly enough, | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
and that has put the life of this interview at risk, my dear. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
At risk, I tell you. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
You've risk-ed my interview and I will not allow it. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
Bad cop there kicking in again. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
Now, you've worked with all the emergency services on Hero Squad. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
Which is the best emergency service? | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
I'm going to be biased. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
-I'll probably say the police. -Good choice, cocker. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
But my favourite emergency service is now the coastguard. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
I remember when Derek was a coastguard. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
Coastguard, there's someone in distress. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
Why are you running so slowly? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
It's me massive socks. They've become waterlogged. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
Now, Rav, fingerprints are important, aren't they? | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
Oh, very, very important. Yes. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
Well, I've got my own finger-PRINCE. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
I need to leave. I have to attend the state opening of palm-liament. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:38 | |
All right, go away. Get out of my sight. Back to cop stuff. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
I love it on your show when people's faces are blurred out | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
because people don't want to be seen on the programme. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
Imagine not wanting to be seen on a television programme, Lolly. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:51 | |
Yeah, imagine that. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Lorraine, where's your loyalty? | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
Wilding, you sicken me. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
Larry, cut away from these ungrateful so-and-sos. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Get your magnifying glasses at the ready. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
It's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
-Hello. -MUTTERS | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Whoo-hoo! | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
How do! | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
You all right, yeah? Ahh! | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
CRASH! | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
WHISTLES JAUNTILY | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
-I'd like a return ticket. -Oh, return, yeah. Well, here you go. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
Now, could you return it, please? | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
-Where would you like to go? -How about Ramsbottom? | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
Baa! | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
No, not you. I was on about the place. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Oh, sorry, madam. We don't do PLAICE. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Only the trout. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
-These are very old jokes. -Yeah, they all got delayed at Crewe. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:11 | |
Ms Marbles, what are you doing standing on this platform? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
Because I wasn't concentrating when I put my espadrilles on. Look. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
DISCO MUSIC PLAYS | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
No. What are you doing standing on this station platform? | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
Oh, because I'm travelling to the National Skirting Board Museum. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
They've got a special exhibit on bevelled chamfers. Yes! | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
-Imagine such a thing! -Oh, well, mind how you go. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
We've reason to believe there's a... murmurer on the loose. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
-A...murmurer? -Yes. A murmurer. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
He's been terrorising the national railways for quite some time now. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
But what does this... | 0:11:48 | 0:11:49 | |
-GULPS -..murmurer do? | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Well... | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
-He comes up to you slowly. -Really slowly. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
And he puts his hand on your shoulder. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
-He... -He what? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
-He murmurs really terrible jokes in your ear. -That sounds horrific. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:09 | |
I don't think I'll ever get on a train again. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:12:12 | 0:12:13 | |
-All aboard. -Oh, look, a train. I must get on it. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:18 | |
-Skirting boards, here I come. -TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:12:18 | 0:12:22 | |
-Oh, Ms Marbles, there's something else I must tell you. -Yes? | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
-Something I've been meaning to tell you for quite some time. -Yes? | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
-Something that will have a great effect on your life. -Yes? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:35 | |
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
I found your suitcase. You left it on the platform. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
I wonder what he wanted. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Ooh! This looks like a nice, friendly carriage. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
Ah! There we are. The murmurer will never get me here. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
I say, I say, I say. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
SCREAMS | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
You're going to have to move, madam. These seats are reserved. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:12 | |
-Are they? -I'm afraid we are. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
We're so reserved, we didn't like to say anything. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
Oh. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:19 | |
Ah! Ha-ha! Well, the murmurer definitely won't strike here. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:31 | |
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Did you hear the one about the... | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
SCREAMS | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
-..selection of refreshments we have on offer today? -Ohh! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:46 | |
It's just another red herring. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
Hm? Oh, no. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
It's the trout from the ticket office. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Well, at least there's still no sign of the murmurer. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
A funny thing happened to me on the way here. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
SCREAMS | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
I found your suitcase on the platform. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
-I've been chasing this train for 78 miles. -Oh, Constable Haywain! | 0:14:04 | 0:14:09 | |
-I knew it all along. -You knew? | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
Yeah, I set the whole thing up, cocker. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:16 | |
-Well, why? -So that you'd accompany me to the Skirting Board Museum. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
Now we can literally watch paint dry together. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
Still, at least there's no sign of that murmurer. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
I say, I say, I say. My dog has no nose. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:31 | |
How does he smell? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
Of trout. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
Oh, I'd rather watch paint dry. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
Oh, I wonder what's been posted on YouBend today. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
-I saw a great fitness vlog earlier. -A fitness vlog? -Mm. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
-Well, that sounds strenuous. -It is. But it's sure worth it. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
Check out my biceps. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
Ohh. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:01 | |
Hello, fitness fans. Today, I wanted to vlog about running. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
A lot of my followers often ask, | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
"Dennis, how do you train to run a marathon?" | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Firstly, my name's not Dennis. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
Secondly, it's all about a spicy curry diet. The spicier, the better. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:16 | |
Mm. I... | 0:15:16 | 0:15:17 | |
I find that that works perfectly. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
I'm really sorry. I must away. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
Oooh-ooh-ooh! | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
Hang on. What's eating all that curry got to do with exercise? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
Oh-ho! More than you think, Lorraine. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
Since I had that prawn bhuna, I haven't stopped running. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
To the toilet! | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
Gotta dash. Hoo-hoo! | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
Keep on running. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Now, Rav, I've got a question for you. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
-Why won't you leave me alone in the past? -Eh? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
Well, I keep trying to do an honest day's ducking and diving. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
You know, like they used to do in the old films and that? | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
-And you keep sticking your oar in. -I don't know what you're on about. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:58 | |
Then I shall explain it to you via the medium of a little ditty of woe. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:02 | |
-PIANO PLAYS -Hey. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
# I was just loitering on the high street one day | 0:16:08 | 0:16:12 | |
# Looking for someone stupid to scam | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
# When comes this likely lad just a-whistling along | 0:16:16 | 0:16:20 | |
# I tried to sell him half a used ham | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
# But it turned out he was a cop | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
# He followed me, now I'm on the hop | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
# Wilding's his name, he never stops | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
# When he's around Well, my scams all flop | 0:16:36 | 0:16:41 | |
# Fast forward to Sunday and I'm hanging around | 0:16:41 | 0:16:45 | |
# Trying to flog someone this old stick | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
# I look behind me and like a bad smell, he's there | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
# To get one past Rav Wilding, be quick | 0:16:53 | 0:16:57 | |
# I said to get one past Rav Wilding, be quick | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
# All together now! To get one past Rav Wilding, be quick | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
# Quick, quickety-quick, yes. # | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
-Eh? -Hey! | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
-Very good! -Good, wasn't it? So, stop sticking your nose in. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
In business completely unrelated to what you've just seen and heard, | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
would you like to purchase some premium ham? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
Yeah, go on, then. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Ha-ha! What a mug! | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
Larry, what's coming up? | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Oh... I think it's the ham. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
This show is as complex as a three-year fraud investigation. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
And much less funny. Coming up... | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
Rav says something unusual to himself. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
I think I've just smelt your parallelograms. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
-Hacker makes an exhibition of himself. -This won't distract anyone. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:44 | |
And Wilf condemns himself. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
All this still to come on Hacker Time. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Now, then, Rav, just explain this to me once more. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
-Someone who commits a cybercrime is called a... -Hacker. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
Just let me finish, will you? | 0:17:57 | 0:17:58 | |
Somebody who breaks into a computer system is known as a... | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
-Hacker. -Let me finish! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Nope, it's gone. Maybe some food will help. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
# La-la-la-la, grub. # | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
Oooh. Oooh. Oooh. I hope it's tagine. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
Hacker? Guys? Guys! | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
Wilf, everything's got to be perfect today. I've had a tip-off. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
-The food inspector's coming. -I've got a feeling he's nearby. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:30 | |
I think you're right, Wilf. This might be him coming now. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
-I'll try the sponge and custard. -Oh, yes, he's going to like this. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
I bet he'll love it, I bet he does. Yeah, yeah. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:42 | |
This custard is perfect. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Oh! Eh! | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
For a bit of grouting. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Oh, does this mean we've failed the inspection, then? | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
No! No, my dear lady. You've passed. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
But, Mr Food Inspector, I don't understand. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
I'm not the food inspector. Oh, no, no, no. I'm the building inspector. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:05 | |
Oh, your wares are divine. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
Yes, I'd use your sponge for cement on my building site any day. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
But if you're the building inspector, who's the food inspector? | 0:19:11 | 0:19:16 | |
-That's me, isn't it? I've done a course. -That makes no sense. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:21 | |
Then neither will this. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:22 | |
I'm shutting us down. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Wilfred! | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Our livelihood! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
-Ohhh! -Oh, yeah. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
I'll fire up the van. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
HE BURPS Oh, 'scuse I! | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
Hacker Time is proud to present... | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Welcome to my survival guide. I'm Rav Wilding. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
And this is Hero And Zero. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
-I'm the hero. -Oh, great. I'm not going along with this. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:56 | |
That implies I'm the zero, doesn't it? I'm not having it. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
Always make sure your nearest source of running water. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
WATER TRICKLES | 0:20:05 | 0:20:06 | |
-As you can hear, we're near a mountain stream. -That's the ticket. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
-Just releasing all of this liquid. -Hacker! -Sorry, Rav. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:15 | |
-I was just pouring a nice drink for you from this kettle. -Ohh! OK. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
-Thanks, Hacker. -That's all right. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
Now, hydration is very important, and this water has been filtered | 0:20:20 | 0:20:24 | |
through layers and layers of mountain rock, | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
so it's full of natural goodness. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
Yeah, that mountain water's had an extra level of filtering. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
-Through a dog. -Oh, Hacker! -It's all right, Rav. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:35 | |
-It's very important to have three square meals a day. -Oh, no. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
I've only packed these parallelogram-shaped meals. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
I can't believe it. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
Well, cooking's a lot easier if you have gas. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
-Hacker, did you bring the gas? -No, I've got electric. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
GUITAR RIFF | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
Hang on a minute. How are you powering that electric guitar? | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
-Oh, using gas. -So you HAVE got gas? -Always, my dear. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:09 | |
PARP | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
RAV GROANS | 0:21:12 | 0:21:13 | |
Hacker! I think I've just smelt your parallelograms. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
Stars can be really important for navigation. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
-If you look up, you can see Orion's Belt. -Hang on. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
If that's Orion's Belt, how do his trousers stay up? | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
Oh! Now I can see the moon. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
At night, make sure you've got a sleeping bag. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
I don't know how this is helping. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
SNORING Ohh! | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Well, for a little extra comfort, you can also use an inflatable bed. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:55 | |
-But first, you just need to blow it up. -Done and done. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
Now you've really gone and done it. You've woken up the sleeping bag! | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
Oh! I've just had a terrible nightmare. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:10 | |
I was on Hacker Time. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
Thank you! | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
If you like second-rate imitation then you'll love this. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:20 | |
It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
-Ah, it's all right, this, innit, eh? -Josh, what on earth is that? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:29 | |
I think it's a haddock sandwich. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
No, this haircut. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
-You know it breaks all the rules. -Oh, get over it. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
# In the classroom it's the only way | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
# To show the world my personality | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
# So now, thanks, we've had enough talk | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
# About my atomic purple mohawk | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
# Bad news for you, Josh You know the rule | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
# Haircuts aren't allowed to distract the whole school | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
# Uniform's important I have to stress | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
# But, seriously, mate You look like a mess | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
# I look like a mess? Ha! As if! | 0:22:57 | 0:22:58 | |
# You wouldn't say that about Jedward's quiffs | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
# Wacky haircuts are simply top-notch | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
# If you don't believe me, huargh! Just watch | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
# Oh, yeah, we all love hair | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
# Style it up like you just don't care | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
# Mullets, Afros and even curls | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
# What about plaits like Cumberland swirls? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
# Get your blow dryer and a comb at once | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
# Wear a pineapple on your bonce | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
# Make those people stop and stare | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
# At your finely waxed and blow-dried coiffure | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
# Thanks for the lesson on hair and style | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
# But that beehive breaks the rules by a country mile | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
# It's putting the class off A total eyesore | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
# Get to the barber's by half past four | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
# Think short back and sides Not French Revolution | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
# In the meantime We need a solution | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
# If it's a problem I'll put on my hat | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
# Great idea, do just that. # | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
HORN HONKS | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
This won't distract anyone. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
HORN HONKS | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show, | 0:23:51 | 0:23:56 | |
the quiz that we like to call... | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
Sit On My Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
Rav, the rules of this game are simple. All you have to do is... | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:24:15 | 0:24:16 | |
..sit on the bog and answer some questions. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
The time will end when you hear this sound. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Oh, why did you wake me up? | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
-Are you ready? -Ready. -In that case, start the clock. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:28 | |
In the police force, what's a PC? | 0:24:28 | 0:24:32 | |
A police constable. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
No, sorry, it's a computer, obviously. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
Herman has disguised this piece of sporting equipment | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
as a famous crime-fighter, but who is it? | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
-Batman. -No, it's Super Cricket Utensil. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:46 | |
Go away, Herman. Good, that, wasn't it? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
Complete this well-known catchphrase. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
Goodnight and don't have... | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
-Nightmares. -No. It's "the cheeseboard before bedtime". | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
It's now time for the music round. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
Welcome my chum, and soon to be yours - Accordion George. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
# It's Accordion George | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
# Accy G, acc, acc, acc. # | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
You, Rav, must guess what popular tune he's playing. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
Take it away, the big G. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
ACCORDION GEORGE PLAYS A POP TUNE | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
Well done, Accy G, that was atrocious. Rav, what was that? | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
It's, um... | 0:25:28 | 0:25:29 | |
-It's on the tip of my tongue. -Let's have a look. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
# The players gonna play, play, play, play, play | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
# And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
# Shake it off, shake it off... # | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
The correct answer was Shake It Off by Taylor Swift. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
You were very, very bad at that, | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
but to be fair, Accy G was rubbish playing that. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
Have you got cream cheese forced into your air bag or something? | 0:25:46 | 0:25:50 | |
You want to get that thing MOTed. Get away! And take your stool. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
I'm shaking you off like Taylor Swift should have done. Right... | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
Porridge and bird are other names for what? | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
A prison sentence. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
No, it was oatmeal and ornithological creatures. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
-Oh, why did you wake me up? -That's the end. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
That's the end of the thing. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:08 | |
-That means you've won tonight's star prize. -Yay! | 0:26:08 | 0:26:12 | |
Six premium crisps in various states of decay. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
Flavours will vary. Crisps stale. Bag not included. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
-Brilliant, thank you(!) -Yeah. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Well, it's your lucky day, Rav, because you've also won a holiday. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:24 | |
-Yay! -Yes, a day trip for one to the sewers 'neath the studio. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
Have you got any last words before you go, Rav? | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
Hey-hey! Herman, flush him away. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
What a delightful talking bag of muscles that was. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
I would have loved to have chatted for longer, | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
but I must away to purloin a sheet of medium-density fibreboard | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
and some appropriate sealant. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
But first, I shall sing my terrible song. Join in if you know the words. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:51 | |
# That is it for now The end of the show | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
# It's been amazing We've been larking around | 0:27:05 | 0:27:08 | |
# The whole programme cost just under a pound | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
# Watch again next time cos we've got much more | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
# Rav Wilding, the former cop, helped me out with a camping guide | 0:27:15 | 0:27:20 | |
# We learnt how to navigate and I made him a lovely drink | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
# Which was a moment of personal pride | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
# That is it for now The end of the show | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. # | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
If you've been affected by any of the jokes in this episode | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
then congratulations! | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 |