Kevin Clifton Hacker Time

Hacker Time is filmed before a colony of wise dolphins.

Hoo-hoo!

What are you lot up to?

If you must know, we're about to put on our new workout DVD.

-Press play, Herman, you've got the best hands for it.

-Here we go.

-DVD:

-First of all, take hold of your leg.

Massage vigorously to make sure it's nice and tender.

Oh, yeah, I can feel the tension melting away!

Then rub it with lots of garlic, rosemary and thyme.

Odd, but very well.

Finally, stand in a large pan of simmering gravy for three hours.

Well, this all makes complete sense. Come on.

-Hang on, hang on...

-What?

You're watching the wrong DVD, you mooies.

This is How To Cook A Leg of Lamb.

Wait a minute, if we're watching this,

then by the rules of comedy, that means...

And one, two, three, four. Feel the burn, two, three, four.

This is the best recipe ever. Oh!

Oh, me triceps.

You going to watch this?

You gotta watch this!

You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my programme hits you

So hard

Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

Thank you for watching me

It's telly, but not what you normally see

It feels good, there's outtakes too

Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

So sit back - don't move too much

This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.

Stop! Hacker Time.

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone, we're on air in five, four,

three, two, one...

-Go away!

-He's a cheeky one.

Cue Larry.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together then pull them

apart for your host, Hacker T Dog!

You all right, cockers?

Today's guest is a career criminal who finds

himself in front of judges every week.

Objection, Your Honour!

He finds himself in front of judges on a TV talent show.

Objection overruled!

And for that, I sentence you to 12 years' imprisonment.

I've only meself to blame, ho-ho.

Anyway, said guest will be arriving any minute.

I better go and hide the silverware.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, I'm Kevin Clifton, I'm here to record Strictly Come Dancing.

Oh, yes, if you'd step into the booth, please, we've got

-to do a picture for your pass.

-Oh, no, I've got my pass already.

-No, I've got my picture!

-Shut the curtains, shut the doors.

Ah.

Argh!

Done. He-he-he!

Aaah!

HE WHISTLES

Argh!

Please welcome Strictly Come Dancing professional Kevin Clifton!

Welcome to Hacker Time, Kevin!

No, no, no, Susanna Reid's told me all about this show.

I'm not having anything to do with it, I'm off.

No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin... If you stay, I'll let you do the salsa.

-Oh, I like a bit of salsa, yeah!

-Good. Herman?

I've brought the tortillas, now you're going to do the salsa.

And I want those tomatoes checking for plumpness, while you're at it.

Give them a nice squeeze.

Meanwhile, let's find out more about your alleged life.

Derek, the fact file.

I hope this means I get time off for good behaviour. Ugh...

Kevin Clifton, or Kevin From Grimsby, is a professional dancer.

He's been in the Strictly finals twice but has never been lucky

because he keeps opening his brolly indoors.

Kevin has to wear lots of make-up

because in real life he looks very different.

His hobbies include baking and breaking sofas,

and that's nothing you need to know about Kevin "From Grimsby" Clifton.

Hoo-hoo!

-What a dull life you've led, eh, Kev?

-Oh, thanks very much.

Well, things are about to get a lot duller now, cocker.

Larry, tell us what's coming up on the show. Oh, and, Kevin?

Keeeeep dicing!

Don't go cha-cha-cha-changing channels,

because today's Hacker Time is all about dance!

Coming up, Kevin has a problem with his undergarments...

-All about the hips.

-All about the hips?

All right, Kev, sit down now, you're startling me.

..Ms Marbles has a narrow escape with a marrow...

Run! Argh!

..and Hacker asks his toughest question yet.

Everyone knows you as Kevin From Grimsby. Why's that?

All this and more on Hacker Time.

Well, it looks like this show is set to be a disaaaster,

-daaarling, don't you think so?

-I hope not.

-Ha-ha-ha!

Right, time for your big interview. Are you ready, Kevy Baby?

-I'm ready, Hacker Baby.

-All right, don't get personal. Question one.

You're an expert dancer, aren't you? But what's your favourite move?

My favourite move is the batucadas. They're a samba move.

No, what's your favourite chess move?

Mine's knight to queen's bishop four.

I wouldn't even know what that is, to be honest.

Me neither! It was just a joke.

Seriously, though, what is your favourite move?

-Yeah, my favourite move is the batucadas.

-No, you misheard me again.

I said, what's your favourite mauve?

I'm having a vestibule painted

and I need your advice - burnt fuchsia or lilac nightmare?

-Which one's burnt fuchsia?

-It's just a gag, innit, cocker? I'm not...

I don't even know what a vestibule is.

-Neither do I!

-Seriously, Kevin, what's your favourite move?

-My favourite move is the batucadas.

-Ooh! Let's see it, then.

-You really want to see it?

-Yeah, I do, yeah.

-All right, the batucadas go like this.

-Go on.

It's all about the hips. It's right here.

-All about the hips.

-All about the hips?

All right, Kev, sit down now, you're startling me.

-We all know the hips don't lie.

-These hips don't lie.

-That was the best move I've ever seen, cocker.

-Oh, thanks very much.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

Now, I've seen you do the jive, I've seen you do the rumba,

but have you ever had a case of the foxtrots?

Oh, oh, oh! I've got a terrible case of the foxtrots.

I shouldn't have had that pasty at lunchtime.

-HE FARTS

-Oh, excuse me.

Oh, looks like he's doing the quickstep!

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, I think he just PASSED-A-DOBLE.

Hey, do you remember that time that I ran amok on Strictly?

Erm, not really, no.

Well, take a look at this with your withered old eyes.

I'm down under this desk looking for a new chair leg.

Can't believe mine's run out already.

This'll be perfect. It's going to be a perfect match.

La-la-la... Grrr!

Now to find some strong adhesive. La-la-la!

-Ha-hey! What do you think of that, cocker?

-That was you all along?

It was me all along.

Now, moving on. Everyone knows you as Kevin From Grimsby.

-That's right.

-Why's that?

-Well, because my name's Kevin and I'm from Grimsby.

-Oh, what a coincidence!

Your name's Kevin From Grimsby and you're from Grimsby!

-What are the chances?

-Actually, Hacker, his name is Kevin Clifton.

Don't contradict me, Derek From The Republic Of Macedonia!

I'm sending you back to prison.

Just as well. I wasn't adjusting to life on the outside.

-So, Kevin Clifton, if that is your real name...

-Yeah, it is.

Are you related to the Clifton Suspension Bridge?

Er, not blood related, no.

Are you related to your Strictly partner, Frankie Bridge?

No.

Are you related to Len Goodman's favourite bridge, the Severn Bridge?

No, no, I'm not.

Now, when someone can't dance, you say they've got two left feet,

but have you ever seen two right feet?

You two, when was the Battle of Hastings?

-1066.

-You're both right.

I think we can all agree that that was an excellent joke.

-Actually, it wasn't.

-Huh, you're both right - again. Now, go away.

Kevin, you're used to being judged on Strictly,

so let's judge your performance in this interview.

OK.

Answering the next ill-prepared question, Kevin From Grimsby.

Ahem. What's your favourite colour?

-My favourite colour is blue.

-Thank you. Let's see how you did.

-STRICTLY THEME PLAYS

-The judges' votes are in. Lolly.

Zero.

-Derek.

-Seveeeeen!

Wilf.

A leg of lamb.

STRICTLY THEME STOPS Huh?

That means I've got the casting vote

and I'm afraid to say I didn't like your answer...

-I loved it...

-Yes!

..so much that I actually hated it...

so much that I actually loved...

-Yes!

-..hating it...

-Oh...

..so much so that I thought it was...

fab-u-lous!

-Oh, no, it wasn't.

-You're both right - again.

It was terrible, Kevin. I think you better stick to what you do best.

-All right.

-Now, would Kevin From Grimsby please take to the floor...

with a mop?

Those foxtrots have gone everywhere!

Always end on a toilet gag.

Larry, cut to summat else.

Get your magnifying glasses at the ready,

it's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries.

Hello. Who's...? Don't know who that is.

Whoo-hoo!

How do?

You all right?

-Argh!

-CRASH

SQUELCH

Cha-cha-cha, whoo-hoo!

Time to see who's grown the largest produce.

Will it be Wiffy Bob's giant eggplant?

AUDIENCE: Ah!

Will it be Wilf's enormous LEAK?

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, that's better.

Will it be Constable Haywain's humungous butternut squash?

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Or will it be Ms Marbles's impressive marrow?

Impressively small, that is. Hoo-hoo!

THEY LAUGH

Just face it, Ms Marbles, you're not going to win this year.

That's what you think. Look!

I don't understand. Have you been using

industrial strength growth formula again?

No.

Oh, how did that get there? That must... Did you do that?

Ms Marbles, look out! It's mutating!

Yeah, you're right.

Run! Argh!

Grrph. Grrr!

-Ah!

-Ah!

Grrr.

Ah!

Ha-ha-ha.

Grah, grah! Ha-ha-ha.

Ah!

-Ah!

-Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, cake!

-Ha-ha-ha.

-Ah, marrow!

-Oof!

-Ah!

Oh, look at the state.

This situation couldn't get any worse, no, it couldn't.

I'm afraid it could. Now there's a giant chicken in the village.

That's a real chicken in the model village, you fool.

Oh, yeah! Ha-ha.

Ms Marbles, what are we going to do about this marrow?

There's only one thing we can do. Grah!

Now, pass me that industrial strength love potion.

-Here goes.

-Quick, it's gaining on us!

-Grrr, grah.

Grrah, rah...

# Send your love, my darling

# Send your love... #

It's just so beautiful.

At last, we can all go back to living in peace, Ms Marbles.

That's unless you've got some of that love potion splashed all over you.

But that could never happen, could it, Ms Marbles?

Ms Marbles.

Ms Marbles?

Ms Marbles, no!

Well, that's quite enough of that.

You know what, Derek? I watched the funniest YouBend video yesterday.

Hoo-hoo! What was it? The one of the sneezing owl?

That's my favourite of all time. "Ah-choo!" it goes.

No, it's an audition fail from my favourite show,

I'm A Strictly Voice Factor Idol, Get Me Into There On Ice.

-Oh, it's hilarious!

-Oh, stick it on. Click it, click it on, come on.

# Don't care who you are

# Where you're from

# What you did

# As long as you love me. #

-Can I just stop you there? That was dreadful.

-Oh!

Not only are you out of tune, you're a mushroom!

Does this mean I'm not through to the judges' houses?

Well, as we've only had two auditionees, we've got no choice.

You're through to the live boot camp battle finals...

on ice!

Ah!

Oh, Lolly. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

What are you talking about? He couldn't sing and he was a mushroom.

Not him, I was talking about the judge's harsh

and insulting comments. They were just so beautifully worded. Hoo!

I'm getting quite emotional. Oh, lovely words. So emotional.

Why do I still work here?

Kevin, I love that programme you're on, but tell me, how do they

decide who goes through to boot camp and what's Simon Cowell really like?

No, no, that's the wrong show. I'm on Strictly Come Dancing.

Strictly? Ho-ho, I love that show too, yeah.

My favourite's the evil super-villain

who sits next to Darcey.

Is he yours?

Oh, Craig Revel Horwood? Yeah, he's a bit nasty, him.

He is, isn't he?

I've actually written a song about Strictly. Do you want to hear it?

-Not really, no.

-Well, you have no choice in the matter, sir!

Music, please...

UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

# When I'm feeling blue

# There is a programme that will get me through

# A ballroom dancing show where famous people in fake tan

# Fight against nature's cruel plans

# The show is never boring

# They've got a dance floor made of vinyl flooring

# And there's a woman who stares through a fringe six metres thick

# And tries to read the autocue

# Then there's the judges, yes

# I think they are ace

# Darcey Bussell, mmm

# She's brimming with grace

# Leonard Goodman

# He's got a long face

# And as for Bruno Tonioli

# I think he has worms

# But the best, it seems

# Is the one called Craig who stamps on dreams

# By criticising even good routines

# And creating an atmosphere of low self-esteem

# It truly is the best light entertainment programme

# On all of television, apart from Hacker Time

# They call it...

# The Voice! #

What do you think of that, cocker?

I want you to be as brutally honest as Craig.

No criticism can hurt me.

Honestly, it was terrible. You got the show wrong again!

How could you? That criticism really hurt me!

Larry, tell us what's coming up.

You, sir, are...a...monster!

HE SOBS

Thanks, Hacker.

This show's got more strands than Claudia Winkleman's fringe.

-Coming up, Kevin gets judgmental...

-Order, order!

..Mrs Breadbin starts playing with her food...

SHE SLURPS

..and Hacker is finally stuck for words.

Are you chewing gum in my class? Again?

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

All this still to come on Hacker Time.

Oh, what a load of old tat we've got in store, eh?

Now, Kevin, there's one thing I've always wanted to know about you,

something everyone should know.

What I want to ask you is...

-BELL RINGS

-Oh!

Lunch time. See you!

Oh, I hope it's not square plates.

Where's everyone gone?

Wilfred, how's that lamb coming along?

Oh, not sure, love, but I think I've strained me deltoid.

Ah!

-Quick, that new runner's coming.

-Oh, yeah.

I've heard he's a right fussy eater.

-Yes, love, what can I get you?

-Erm, a chicken Caesar salad, please.

-There you go.

-But without the, erm, chicken.

Erm... And the Caesar dressing.

SHE SLURPS

And the croutons.

And the lettuce.

Would you be wanting the plate?

Oh, no, thanks, I couldn't eat a whole one.

PLATE SHATTERS

-Can you believe that?

-I know!

He forgot his pudding.

I'll fire up the van.

BELL RINGS

HE BURPS

And now, we present TV's latest celebrity judge,

Kevin Clifton in Strictly Come Adjudicating.

You've already done this gag -

Strictly doesn't have this kind of judge.

Just go with it, it'll be hilarious...in a way.

OK.

Call the defendant.

The defendant!

-I mean, put him in the dock.

-I'm already in the dock.

-When does the boat leave?

-BOOING

Hacker T Dog, you stand accused of crimes against comedy.

-How do you plead?

-Like this...

Please don't send me to prison, Your Worship! I'll do anything, anything!

Order, order!

Very well. Two spicy chicken pizzas, please.

Will somebody please read out the charges?

I'll do it. Spicy chicken pizza, £7.90 for a 12-inch.

I mean the CRIMINAL charges.

These charges ARE criminal! 75p for extra anchovies?

Grrr!

Call the first witness.

The first witness!

-Please state your name.

-Anne From Eccles.

-Occupation?

-Hacker Time viewer.

-Oh, YOU'RE the one!

-Hmph.

-Now, what's your complaint?

-Well...

I've been constipated for seven days.

No, your complaint against the accused.

Oh, well, he tells the most terrible jokes, Your Honour.

They're horrific, horrific, I tell you! Oh, the humanity.

Very well. Let's hear one of these "jokes", then.

Very well, Your Maj. Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was on the pizza that I just had delivered.

La-la-la-la-la-la, jokes.

I think it's time the jury retired.

This sketch has gone on so long they're all ancient.

Look at the state of him.

So, Your Royal Kevness, how long am I going to prison for?

There's only one person who can decide that.

Len, how many years should I give him?

Seveeeeen!

But on the bright side, you probably won't finish your sentence.

Oh, thanks very much.

However, for that awful gag, I'm adding an extra 100 years.

-Guards, send him down.

-How could this day get any worse?

I'm afraid it could. My constipation is cured.

SHE FARTS

I've said it before and I'll say it again -

always end with a toilet gag.

So, remember, everybody, keeeeep trumping!

THEY FART THE STRICTLY THEME

Oh, it smells of spicy chicken! Buk-buk-buk.

If you like second-rate imitation, then you'll love this!

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

Josh, are you chewing gum in my class? Again?

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

I'm fed up with this.

You do know chewing gum is totally against the rules?

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

# Don't chew gum

# When you come to this school

# Don't chew gum

# Because it's against the rules

# Don't chew gum

# Cos it doesn't look that cool

# And it ends up in your hair and you put it under chairs

# I don't care

# If your breath smells of dog food

# I don't care

# If it's meat paste that you've chewed

# Cos chewing gum while talking is just rude

# And speaking of hygiene

# When have you ever been clean? #

HE RAPS: Heard about this one kid, his name was Trevor

Ate so much gum, got his jaws stuck together

Poor little T always wanted more

But he ate so much he got stuck to the floor

Chewing gum always leads to trouble

Look at little T, he's now a human bubble

Seeing the perils of gum today

Josh, have you got anything to say?

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

# So get it out your gob, gob, gob, gob, gob

# You look like a slob, slob, slob, slob, slob

# And you'll never get a job, job, job, job, job

# So spit it out

# Spit it out

# If you keep chewing gum, gum, gum, gum, gum

# Your life will be so glum, glum, glum, glum, glum

# And besides, I'll tell your mum, mum, mum, mum, mum

# So spit it out

# Spit it out. #

Are you going to get rid of that gum, then?

Ah.

-Happy now?

-Did you just spit?

You do know there's a strict policy against spitting, don't you?

-To the Headmaster's office, now!

-I can't!

I'm stuck to the ground with chewing gum.

Grrr... Argh...

Grah, argh!

And now we come to the climax of today's show, the thrilling,

daring and often moving item we like to call...

Sit On My Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

TOILET FLUSHES

Right. The rules of this game are BOG-standard, do you get it?

-I got it.

-All you have to do is...

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

-How does it feel, being sat upon my throne?

-Oh, yeah, lovely.

-Yeah, cheers.

-A bit damp, innit?

-A little.

The time will end when you hear this sound...

-I've got lime on me leotard!

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

In that case, start the clock. What is your name?

Kevin.

No, your name is the word that identifies you.

Complete this famous catchphrase...

Keeeeep...

Dancing!

No, it's actually keep...your valuables in a safe place.

The management will not be held responsible. Look at this guy.

Herman has disguised this lump of fossil fuel as a Strictly

dancer, but tell us, who's that non-renewable energy source to you?

Craig Revel Horwood?

No, it's Brendan Cole. Take him away, Herman.

What's 11 + 73 x 5 ¸ 60?

Is that...?

I don't know.

Let's find out. Here's Len with the answer.

-Seveeeeen!

-Cheers, Len.

True or false - Bruce Forsyth fought in the Battle of Agincourt.

That's probably false.

Yeah, you're right, it was false.

He was picking up his pension that day.

Now, how often does Tess DALY...

have a bath?

Daily?

Incorrect. She actually has a bath yearly.

Someone should have a word. She's a little bit ripe!

For this question, here's Emily from The Next Step.

As everyone knows, I'm an amazing dancer.

But what is my favourite step?

Batucadas?

Batucadas? Let's see if you're right.

My favourite step is actually...

the doorstep!

But I'm partial to escalators.

Complete the name of this famous celebrity. Kevin From...

Grimsby.

No, it's Kevin From Strictly.

I've got lime on me leotard!

-Time's up! That means you've won tonight's star prize.

-Wow!

A dried-up felt tip pen! Spinning turntable not included.

What do you think about that, cocker?

Terrific.

Well, it's your lucky day, me old cockle,

-because you've also won an holiday!

-An holiday?

Yes, a holiday to the sewers beneath the studio, that is.

Have you got any last words before you go?

Yeah, yeah, erm, I'd just like to say a very...

Oh, ho-ho! Herman, flush him away.

Argh! No, not down the lavvy! Argh!

What a lovely person. I wonder which town he was from?

That's it for now, cockers.

I'm off to buy some trelliswork from an overpriced garden centre,

but first, I shall sing you my terrible song.

Join in, if you know it!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under £1

# But watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Kev the dancer from Grimsby popped in for a quickstep session

# I showed him some of my favourite mauves

# And made him act in a sketch

# Telling jokes about the legal profession

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

-That was a great show.

-Actually, it wasn't.

You're both right.