Kevin Clifton Hacker Time


Kevin Clifton

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog, featuring Strictly Come Dancing's professional dancer Kevin Clifton as Hacker's special guest.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hacker Time is filmed before a colony of wise dolphins.

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Hoo-hoo!

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What are you lot up to?

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If you must know, we're about to put on our new workout DVD.

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-Press play, Herman, you've got the best hands for it.

-Here we go.

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-DVD:

-First of all, take hold of your leg.

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Massage vigorously to make sure it's nice and tender.

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Oh, yeah, I can feel the tension melting away!

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Then rub it with lots of garlic, rosemary and thyme.

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Odd, but very well.

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Finally, stand in a large pan of simmering gravy for three hours.

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Well, this all makes complete sense. Come on.

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-Hang on, hang on...

-What?

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You're watching the wrong DVD, you mooies.

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This is How To Cook A Leg of Lamb.

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Wait a minute, if we're watching this,

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then by the rules of comedy, that means...

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And one, two, three, four. Feel the burn, two, three, four.

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This is the best recipe ever. Oh!

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Oh, me triceps.

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You going to watch this?

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You gotta watch this!

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You gotta watch this!

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-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my programme hits you

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So hard

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Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

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Thank you for watching me

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It's telly, but not what you normally see

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It feels good, there's outtakes too

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Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

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So sit back - don't move too much

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This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.

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Stop! Hacker Time.

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Thank you.

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Stand by, everyone, we're on air in five, four,

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three, two, one...

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-Go away!

-He's a cheeky one.

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Cue Larry.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together then pull them

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apart for your host, Hacker T Dog!

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You all right, cockers?

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Today's guest is a career criminal who finds

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himself in front of judges every week.

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Objection, Your Honour!

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He finds himself in front of judges on a TV talent show.

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Objection overruled!

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And for that, I sentence you to 12 years' imprisonment.

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I've only meself to blame, ho-ho.

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Anyway, said guest will be arriving any minute.

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I better go and hide the silverware.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hi, I'm Kevin Clifton, I'm here to record Strictly Come Dancing.

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Oh, yes, if you'd step into the booth, please, we've got

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-to do a picture for your pass.

-Oh, no, I've got my pass already.

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-No, I've got my picture!

-Shut the curtains, shut the doors.

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Ah.

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Argh!

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Done. He-he-he!

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Aaah!

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HE WHISTLES

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Argh!

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Please welcome Strictly Come Dancing professional Kevin Clifton!

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Welcome to Hacker Time, Kevin!

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No, no, no, Susanna Reid's told me all about this show.

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I'm not having anything to do with it, I'm off.

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No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin... If you stay, I'll let you do the salsa.

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-Oh, I like a bit of salsa, yeah!

-Good. Herman?

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I've brought the tortillas, now you're going to do the salsa.

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And I want those tomatoes checking for plumpness, while you're at it.

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Give them a nice squeeze.

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Meanwhile, let's find out more about your alleged life.

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Derek, the fact file.

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I hope this means I get time off for good behaviour. Ugh...

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Kevin Clifton, or Kevin From Grimsby, is a professional dancer.

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He's been in the Strictly finals twice but has never been lucky

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because he keeps opening his brolly indoors.

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Kevin has to wear lots of make-up

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because in real life he looks very different.

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His hobbies include baking and breaking sofas,

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and that's nothing you need to know about Kevin "From Grimsby" Clifton.

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Hoo-hoo!

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-What a dull life you've led, eh, Kev?

-Oh, thanks very much.

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Well, things are about to get a lot duller now, cocker.

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Larry, tell us what's coming up on the show. Oh, and, Kevin?

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Keeeeep dicing!

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Don't go cha-cha-cha-changing channels,

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because today's Hacker Time is all about dance!

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Coming up, Kevin has a problem with his undergarments...

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-All about the hips.

-All about the hips?

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All right, Kev, sit down now, you're startling me.

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..Ms Marbles has a narrow escape with a marrow...

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Run! Argh!

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..and Hacker asks his toughest question yet.

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Everyone knows you as Kevin From Grimsby. Why's that?

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All this and more on Hacker Time.

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Well, it looks like this show is set to be a disaaaster,

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-daaarling, don't you think so?

-I hope not.

-Ha-ha-ha!

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Right, time for your big interview. Are you ready, Kevy Baby?

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-I'm ready, Hacker Baby.

-All right, don't get personal. Question one.

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You're an expert dancer, aren't you? But what's your favourite move?

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My favourite move is the batucadas. They're a samba move.

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No, what's your favourite chess move?

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Mine's knight to queen's bishop four.

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I wouldn't even know what that is, to be honest.

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Me neither! It was just a joke.

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Seriously, though, what is your favourite move?

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-Yeah, my favourite move is the batucadas.

-No, you misheard me again.

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I said, what's your favourite mauve?

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I'm having a vestibule painted

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and I need your advice - burnt fuchsia or lilac nightmare?

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-Which one's burnt fuchsia?

-It's just a gag, innit, cocker? I'm not...

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I don't even know what a vestibule is.

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-Neither do I!

-Seriously, Kevin, what's your favourite move?

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-My favourite move is the batucadas.

-Ooh! Let's see it, then.

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-You really want to see it?

-Yeah, I do, yeah.

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-All right, the batucadas go like this.

-Go on.

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It's all about the hips. It's right here.

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-All about the hips.

-All about the hips?

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All right, Kev, sit down now, you're startling me.

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-We all know the hips don't lie.

-These hips don't lie.

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-That was the best move I've ever seen, cocker.

-Oh, thanks very much.

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I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

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Now, I've seen you do the jive, I've seen you do the rumba,

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but have you ever had a case of the foxtrots?

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Oh, oh, oh! I've got a terrible case of the foxtrots.

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I shouldn't have had that pasty at lunchtime.

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-HE FARTS

-Oh, excuse me.

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Oh, looks like he's doing the quickstep!

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Oh, I think he just PASSED-A-DOBLE.

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Hey, do you remember that time that I ran amok on Strictly?

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Erm, not really, no.

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Well, take a look at this with your withered old eyes.

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I'm down under this desk looking for a new chair leg.

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Can't believe mine's run out already.

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This'll be perfect. It's going to be a perfect match.

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La-la-la... Grrr!

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Now to find some strong adhesive. La-la-la!

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-Ha-hey! What do you think of that, cocker?

-That was you all along?

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It was me all along.

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Now, moving on. Everyone knows you as Kevin From Grimsby.

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-That's right.

-Why's that?

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-Well, because my name's Kevin and I'm from Grimsby.

-Oh, what a coincidence!

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Your name's Kevin From Grimsby and you're from Grimsby!

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-What are the chances?

-Actually, Hacker, his name is Kevin Clifton.

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Don't contradict me, Derek From The Republic Of Macedonia!

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I'm sending you back to prison.

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Just as well. I wasn't adjusting to life on the outside.

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-So, Kevin Clifton, if that is your real name...

-Yeah, it is.

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Are you related to the Clifton Suspension Bridge?

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Er, not blood related, no.

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Are you related to your Strictly partner, Frankie Bridge?

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No.

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Are you related to Len Goodman's favourite bridge, the Severn Bridge?

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No, no, I'm not.

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Now, when someone can't dance, you say they've got two left feet,

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but have you ever seen two right feet?

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You two, when was the Battle of Hastings?

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-1066.

-You're both right.

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I think we can all agree that that was an excellent joke.

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-Actually, it wasn't.

-Huh, you're both right - again. Now, go away.

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Kevin, you're used to being judged on Strictly,

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so let's judge your performance in this interview.

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OK.

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Answering the next ill-prepared question, Kevin From Grimsby.

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Ahem. What's your favourite colour?

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-My favourite colour is blue.

-Thank you. Let's see how you did.

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-STRICTLY THEME PLAYS

-The judges' votes are in. Lolly.

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Zero.

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-Derek.

-Seveeeeen!

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Wilf.

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A leg of lamb.

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STRICTLY THEME STOPS Huh?

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That means I've got the casting vote

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and I'm afraid to say I didn't like your answer...

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-I loved it...

-Yes!

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..so much that I actually hated it...

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so much that I actually loved...

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-Yes!

-..hating it...

-Oh...

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..so much so that I thought it was...

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fab-u-lous!

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-Oh, no, it wasn't.

-You're both right - again.

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It was terrible, Kevin. I think you better stick to what you do best.

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-All right.

-Now, would Kevin From Grimsby please take to the floor...

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with a mop?

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Those foxtrots have gone everywhere!

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Always end on a toilet gag.

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Larry, cut to summat else.

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Get your magnifying glasses at the ready,

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it's time for the Ms Marbles Mysteries.

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Hello. Who's...? Don't know who that is.

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Whoo-hoo!

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How do?

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You all right?

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-Argh!

-CRASH

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SQUELCH

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Cha-cha-cha, whoo-hoo!

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Time to see who's grown the largest produce.

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Will it be Wiffy Bob's giant eggplant?

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AUDIENCE: Ah!

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Will it be Wilf's enormous LEAK?

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Oh, that's better.

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Will it be Constable Haywain's humungous butternut squash?

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-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Or will it be Ms Marbles's impressive marrow?

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Impressively small, that is. Hoo-hoo!

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THEY LAUGH

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Just face it, Ms Marbles, you're not going to win this year.

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That's what you think. Look!

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I don't understand. Have you been using

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industrial strength growth formula again?

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No.

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Oh, how did that get there? That must... Did you do that?

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Ms Marbles, look out! It's mutating!

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Yeah, you're right.

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Run! Argh!

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Grrph. Grrr!

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-Ah!

-Ah!

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Grrr.

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Ah!

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Ha-ha-ha.

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Grah, grah! Ha-ha-ha.

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Ah!

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-Ah!

-Ah!

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Ah!

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Ah!

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Oh, cake!

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-Ha-ha-ha.

-Ah, marrow!

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-Oof!

-Ah!

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Oh, look at the state.

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This situation couldn't get any worse, no, it couldn't.

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I'm afraid it could. Now there's a giant chicken in the village.

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That's a real chicken in the model village, you fool.

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Oh, yeah! Ha-ha.

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Ms Marbles, what are we going to do about this marrow?

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There's only one thing we can do. Grah!

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Now, pass me that industrial strength love potion.

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-Here goes.

-Quick, it's gaining on us!

-Grrr, grah.

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Grrah, rah...

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# Send your love, my darling

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# Send your love... #

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It's just so beautiful.

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At last, we can all go back to living in peace, Ms Marbles.

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That's unless you've got some of that love potion splashed all over you.

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But that could never happen, could it, Ms Marbles?

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Ms Marbles.

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Ms Marbles?

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Ms Marbles, no!

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Well, that's quite enough of that.

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You know what, Derek? I watched the funniest YouBend video yesterday.

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Hoo-hoo! What was it? The one of the sneezing owl?

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That's my favourite of all time. "Ah-choo!" it goes.

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No, it's an audition fail from my favourite show,

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I'm A Strictly Voice Factor Idol, Get Me Into There On Ice.

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-Oh, it's hilarious!

-Oh, stick it on. Click it, click it on, come on.

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# Don't care who you are

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# Where you're from

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# What you did

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# As long as you love me. #

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-Can I just stop you there? That was dreadful.

-Oh!

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Not only are you out of tune, you're a mushroom!

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Does this mean I'm not through to the judges' houses?

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Well, as we've only had two auditionees, we've got no choice.

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You're through to the live boot camp battle finals...

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on ice!

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Ah!

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Oh, Lolly. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

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What are you talking about? He couldn't sing and he was a mushroom.

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Not him, I was talking about the judge's harsh

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and insulting comments. They were just so beautifully worded. Hoo!

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I'm getting quite emotional. Oh, lovely words. So emotional.

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Why do I still work here?

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Kevin, I love that programme you're on, but tell me, how do they

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decide who goes through to boot camp and what's Simon Cowell really like?

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No, no, that's the wrong show. I'm on Strictly Come Dancing.

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Strictly? Ho-ho, I love that show too, yeah.

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My favourite's the evil super-villain

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who sits next to Darcey.

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Is he yours?

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Oh, Craig Revel Horwood? Yeah, he's a bit nasty, him.

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He is, isn't he?

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I've actually written a song about Strictly. Do you want to hear it?

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-Not really, no.

-Well, you have no choice in the matter, sir!

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Music, please...

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UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

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# When I'm feeling blue

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# There is a programme that will get me through

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# A ballroom dancing show where famous people in fake tan

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# Fight against nature's cruel plans

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# The show is never boring

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# They've got a dance floor made of vinyl flooring

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# And there's a woman who stares through a fringe six metres thick

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# And tries to read the autocue

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# Then there's the judges, yes

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# I think they are ace

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# Darcey Bussell, mmm

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# She's brimming with grace

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# Leonard Goodman

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# He's got a long face

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# And as for Bruno Tonioli

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# I think he has worms

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# But the best, it seems

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# Is the one called Craig who stamps on dreams

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# By criticising even good routines

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# And creating an atmosphere of low self-esteem

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# It truly is the best light entertainment programme

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# On all of television, apart from Hacker Time

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# They call it...

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# The Voice! #

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What do you think of that, cocker?

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I want you to be as brutally honest as Craig.

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No criticism can hurt me.

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Honestly, it was terrible. You got the show wrong again!

0:16:560:16:59

How could you? That criticism really hurt me!

0:16:590:17:03

Larry, tell us what's coming up.

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You, sir, are...a...monster!

0:17:060:17:09

HE SOBS

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Thanks, Hacker.

0:17:100:17:12

This show's got more strands than Claudia Winkleman's fringe.

0:17:120:17:16

-Coming up, Kevin gets judgmental...

-Order, order!

0:17:170:17:22

..Mrs Breadbin starts playing with her food...

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SHE SLURPS

0:17:250:17:28

..and Hacker is finally stuck for words.

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Are you chewing gum in my class? Again?

0:17:310:17:34

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

0:17:340:17:36

All this still to come on Hacker Time.

0:17:360:17:39

Oh, what a load of old tat we've got in store, eh?

0:17:390:17:42

Now, Kevin, there's one thing I've always wanted to know about you,

0:17:420:17:45

something everyone should know.

0:17:450:17:46

What I want to ask you is...

0:17:460:17:48

-BELL RINGS

-Oh!

0:17:480:17:51

Lunch time. See you!

0:17:510:17:53

Oh, I hope it's not square plates.

0:17:530:17:55

Where's everyone gone?

0:17:580:17:59

Wilfred, how's that lamb coming along?

0:18:040:18:06

Oh, not sure, love, but I think I've strained me deltoid.

0:18:060:18:10

Ah!

0:18:100:18:11

-Quick, that new runner's coming.

-Oh, yeah.

0:18:110:18:14

I've heard he's a right fussy eater.

0:18:140:18:17

-Yes, love, what can I get you?

-Erm, a chicken Caesar salad, please.

0:18:170:18:22

-There you go.

-But without the, erm, chicken.

0:18:220:18:24

Erm... And the Caesar dressing.

0:18:280:18:30

SHE SLURPS

0:18:300:18:32

And the croutons.

0:18:350:18:36

And the lettuce.

0:18:390:18:40

Would you be wanting the plate?

0:18:460:18:47

Oh, no, thanks, I couldn't eat a whole one.

0:18:470:18:50

PLATE SHATTERS

0:18:500:18:52

-Can you believe that?

-I know!

0:18:520:18:54

He forgot his pudding.

0:18:540:18:56

I'll fire up the van.

0:18:560:18:59

BELL RINGS

0:18:590:19:01

HE BURPS

0:19:010:19:03

And now, we present TV's latest celebrity judge,

0:19:030:19:07

Kevin Clifton in Strictly Come Adjudicating.

0:19:070:19:11

You've already done this gag -

0:19:150:19:17

Strictly doesn't have this kind of judge.

0:19:170:19:19

Just go with it, it'll be hilarious...in a way.

0:19:190:19:23

OK.

0:19:230:19:24

Call the defendant.

0:19:250:19:27

The defendant!

0:19:270:19:29

-I mean, put him in the dock.

-I'm already in the dock.

0:19:290:19:32

-When does the boat leave?

-BOOING

0:19:320:19:35

Hacker T Dog, you stand accused of crimes against comedy.

0:19:350:19:38

-How do you plead?

-Like this...

0:19:380:19:40

Please don't send me to prison, Your Worship! I'll do anything, anything!

0:19:400:19:44

Order, order!

0:19:440:19:46

Very well. Two spicy chicken pizzas, please.

0:19:460:19:50

Will somebody please read out the charges?

0:19:500:19:52

I'll do it. Spicy chicken pizza, £7.90 for a 12-inch.

0:19:520:19:57

I mean the CRIMINAL charges.

0:19:570:19:59

These charges ARE criminal! 75p for extra anchovies?

0:19:590:20:03

Grrr!

0:20:030:20:05

Call the first witness.

0:20:050:20:06

The first witness!

0:20:060:20:08

-Please state your name.

-Anne From Eccles.

-Occupation?

0:20:110:20:16

-Hacker Time viewer.

-Oh, YOU'RE the one!

-Hmph.

0:20:160:20:19

-Now, what's your complaint?

-Well...

0:20:190:20:21

I've been constipated for seven days.

0:20:210:20:24

No, your complaint against the accused.

0:20:240:20:26

Oh, well, he tells the most terrible jokes, Your Honour.

0:20:260:20:30

They're horrific, horrific, I tell you! Oh, the humanity.

0:20:300:20:34

Very well. Let's hear one of these "jokes", then.

0:20:340:20:38

Very well, Your Maj. Why did the chicken cross the road?

0:20:380:20:42

I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?

0:20:420:20:45

It was on the pizza that I just had delivered.

0:20:450:20:48

La-la-la-la-la-la, jokes.

0:20:480:20:51

I think it's time the jury retired.

0:20:510:20:52

This sketch has gone on so long they're all ancient.

0:20:520:20:55

Look at the state of him.

0:20:550:20:56

So, Your Royal Kevness, how long am I going to prison for?

0:20:560:21:01

There's only one person who can decide that.

0:21:010:21:03

Len, how many years should I give him?

0:21:030:21:05

Seveeeeen!

0:21:050:21:06

But on the bright side, you probably won't finish your sentence.

0:21:060:21:09

Oh, thanks very much.

0:21:090:21:11

However, for that awful gag, I'm adding an extra 100 years.

0:21:110:21:14

-Guards, send him down.

-How could this day get any worse?

0:21:140:21:18

I'm afraid it could. My constipation is cured.

0:21:180:21:23

SHE FARTS

0:21:230:21:26

I've said it before and I'll say it again -

0:21:260:21:28

always end with a toilet gag.

0:21:280:21:30

So, remember, everybody, keeeeep trumping!

0:21:300:21:34

THEY FART THE STRICTLY THEME

0:21:340:21:36

Oh, it smells of spicy chicken! Buk-buk-buk.

0:21:390:21:43

If you like second-rate imitation, then you'll love this!

0:21:430:21:47

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

0:21:470:21:49

Josh, are you chewing gum in my class? Again?

0:21:530:21:57

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

0:21:570:22:00

I'm fed up with this.

0:22:000:22:01

You do know chewing gum is totally against the rules?

0:22:010:22:04

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

0:22:040:22:06

# Don't chew gum

0:22:060:22:07

# When you come to this school

0:22:070:22:08

# Don't chew gum

0:22:080:22:10

# Because it's against the rules

0:22:100:22:12

# Don't chew gum

0:22:120:22:13

# Cos it doesn't look that cool

0:22:130:22:15

# And it ends up in your hair and you put it under chairs

0:22:150:22:18

# I don't care

0:22:180:22:19

# If your breath smells of dog food

0:22:190:22:21

# I don't care

0:22:210:22:22

# If it's meat paste that you've chewed

0:22:220:22:24

# Cos chewing gum while talking is just rude

0:22:240:22:26

# And speaking of hygiene

0:22:260:22:28

# When have you ever been clean? #

0:22:280:22:30

HE RAPS: Heard about this one kid, his name was Trevor

0:22:300:22:31

Ate so much gum, got his jaws stuck together

0:22:310:22:33

Poor little T always wanted more

0:22:330:22:34

But he ate so much he got stuck to the floor

0:22:340:22:36

Chewing gum always leads to trouble

0:22:360:22:37

Look at little T, he's now a human bubble

0:22:370:22:39

Seeing the perils of gum today

0:22:390:22:40

Josh, have you got anything to say?

0:22:400:22:42

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

0:22:420:22:45

# So get it out your gob, gob, gob, gob, gob

0:22:470:22:51

# You look like a slob, slob, slob, slob, slob

0:22:510:22:53

# And you'll never get a job, job, job, job, job

0:22:530:22:56

# So spit it out

0:22:560:22:58

# Spit it out

0:22:580:23:00

# If you keep chewing gum, gum, gum, gum, gum

0:23:000:23:03

# Your life will be so glum, glum, glum, glum, glum

0:23:030:23:06

# And besides, I'll tell your mum, mum, mum, mum, mum

0:23:060:23:09

# So spit it out

0:23:090:23:10

# Spit it out. #

0:23:100:23:11

Are you going to get rid of that gum, then?

0:23:140:23:17

Ah.

0:23:170:23:18

-Happy now?

-Did you just spit?

0:23:180:23:21

You do know there's a strict policy against spitting, don't you?

0:23:210:23:25

-To the Headmaster's office, now!

-I can't!

0:23:250:23:28

I'm stuck to the ground with chewing gum.

0:23:280:23:31

Grrr... Argh...

0:23:310:23:34

Grah, argh!

0:23:340:23:37

And now we come to the climax of today's show, the thrilling,

0:23:400:23:44

daring and often moving item we like to call...

0:23:440:23:47

Sit On My Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

0:23:470:23:50

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:500:23:52

TOILET FLUSHES

0:23:540:23:56

Right. The rules of this game are BOG-standard, do you get it?

0:23:560:24:00

-I got it.

-All you have to do is...

0:24:000:24:02

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:020:24:04

..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

0:24:070:24:10

-How does it feel, being sat upon my throne?

-Oh, yeah, lovely.

0:24:100:24:13

-Yeah, cheers.

-A bit damp, innit?

-A little.

0:24:130:24:16

The time will end when you hear this sound...

0:24:160:24:18

-I've got lime on me leotard!

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

0:24:180:24:22

In that case, start the clock. What is your name?

0:24:220:24:26

Kevin.

0:24:260:24:27

No, your name is the word that identifies you.

0:24:270:24:30

Complete this famous catchphrase...

0:24:300:24:32

Keeeeep...

0:24:320:24:34

Dancing!

0:24:340:24:35

No, it's actually keep...your valuables in a safe place.

0:24:350:24:38

The management will not be held responsible. Look at this guy.

0:24:380:24:41

Herman has disguised this lump of fossil fuel as a Strictly

0:24:410:24:45

dancer, but tell us, who's that non-renewable energy source to you?

0:24:450:24:49

Craig Revel Horwood?

0:24:490:24:51

No, it's Brendan Cole. Take him away, Herman.

0:24:510:24:54

What's 11 + 73 x 5 ¸ 60?

0:24:550:24:59

Is that...?

0:24:590:25:01

I don't know.

0:25:010:25:02

Let's find out. Here's Len with the answer.

0:25:020:25:05

-Seveeeeen!

-Cheers, Len.

0:25:050:25:07

True or false - Bruce Forsyth fought in the Battle of Agincourt.

0:25:070:25:12

That's probably false.

0:25:120:25:14

Yeah, you're right, it was false.

0:25:140:25:16

He was picking up his pension that day.

0:25:160:25:19

Now, how often does Tess DALY...

0:25:190:25:22

have a bath?

0:25:220:25:24

Daily?

0:25:240:25:25

Incorrect. She actually has a bath yearly.

0:25:250:25:28

Someone should have a word. She's a little bit ripe!

0:25:280:25:31

For this question, here's Emily from The Next Step.

0:25:320:25:35

As everyone knows, I'm an amazing dancer.

0:25:350:25:38

But what is my favourite step?

0:25:380:25:41

Batucadas?

0:25:410:25:42

Batucadas? Let's see if you're right.

0:25:420:25:44

My favourite step is actually...

0:25:440:25:46

the doorstep!

0:25:460:25:48

But I'm partial to escalators.

0:25:480:25:51

Complete the name of this famous celebrity. Kevin From...

0:25:510:25:55

Grimsby.

0:25:550:25:57

No, it's Kevin From Strictly.

0:25:570:25:59

I've got lime on me leotard!

0:25:590:26:02

-Time's up! That means you've won tonight's star prize.

-Wow!

0:26:020:26:06

A dried-up felt tip pen! Spinning turntable not included.

0:26:060:26:10

What do you think about that, cocker?

0:26:100:26:12

Terrific.

0:26:120:26:13

Well, it's your lucky day, me old cockle,

0:26:130:26:15

-because you've also won an holiday!

-An holiday?

0:26:150:26:18

Yes, a holiday to the sewers beneath the studio, that is.

0:26:180:26:22

Have you got any last words before you go?

0:26:220:26:25

Yeah, yeah, erm, I'd just like to say a very...

0:26:250:26:29

Oh, ho-ho! Herman, flush him away.

0:26:290:26:32

Argh! No, not down the lavvy! Argh!

0:26:330:26:37

What a lovely person. I wonder which town he was from?

0:26:380:26:41

That's it for now, cockers.

0:26:410:26:43

I'm off to buy some trelliswork from an overpriced garden centre,

0:26:430:26:47

but first, I shall sing you my terrible song.

0:26:470:26:49

Join in, if you know it!

0:26:490:26:51

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:26:560:26:58

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:26:580:27:00

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:000:27:03

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:030:27:05

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

0:27:050:27:08

# The whole programme cost just under £1

0:27:080:27:10

# But watch again next time cos we've got much more

0:27:100:27:12

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

0:27:120:27:15

# Kev the dancer from Grimsby popped in for a quickstep session

0:27:150:27:19

# I showed him some of my favourite mauves

0:27:190:27:22

# And made him act in a sketch

0:27:220:27:23

# Telling jokes about the legal profession

0:27:230:27:25

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:250:27:27

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:270:27:29

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:290:27:32

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:320:27:34

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:340:27:36

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:27:360:27:39

-That was a great show.

-Actually, it wasn't.

0:27:390:27:42

You're both right.

0:27:420:27:43

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog. Featuring the drama series The Ms Marbles Mysteries, with Simon Lowe from 4 O'Clock Club as Constable Haywain. Kay Purcell plays Mrs Breadbin in the catering van sketch, and Ortis Deley takes up the role as Dexter in The Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

This episode features Strictly Come Dancing's professional dancer Kevin (from Grimsby) Clifton as Hacker's special guest.


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