Chris and Xand Hacker Time


Chris and Xand

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog, featuring Operation Ouch presenters Dr Chris and Dr Xand van Tulleken.


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Transcript


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Today's Hacker Time was made using a harpsichord

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and a large role of packaging tape.

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Good morning. How's everyone feeling?

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Terrible.

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There's a nasty bug going around.

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-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

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It's in the kitchen and he's really getting on my nerves.

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Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were under the weather.

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Oh, I am.

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Sunny spells with scattered showers to be precise.

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CYMBAL CRASH

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-So, you don't have a temperature?

-Oh, I do.

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19 degrees Celsius in lower lying areas.

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DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH

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Well, at least he hasn't got the wind.

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Oh, I have.

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A 20mph north-westerly from the Atlantic.

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I think I see what's going on.

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Hacker is suffering from acute ap-PUN-dicitis.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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He just can't help making feeble jokes.

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I wondered why I was feeling a little pale.

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It'll be perfect for collecting all this rainwater!

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Oh, make it stop.

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Oh, please make it stop.

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And that's not all.

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I actually have wind.

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HACKER BREAKS WIND

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-Oh!

-Oh! Oh, stop. Oh, no.

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# You gonna watch this?

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# You gotta watch this!

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# You gotta watch this!

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you

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# So hard

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# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

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# Thank you for watching me

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# It's telly, but not what you normally see

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# It feels good, there's outtakes too

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# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

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# So sit back, don't move too much

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# This is the show... Hah!

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# ..you can't touch. #

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Thank you.

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Standby, everyone. We are on air in five.

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Four, three...

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LARRY COUGHS

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..two, one.

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Cue Larry.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise,

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but not that kind of noise, for Hacker T Dog!

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You all right, cockers?

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-Is he better now?

-Yes. We removed his ap-PUN-dix before the show.

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He'll never tell a terrible joke again.

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We've got lots coming up today.

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Erm, oh, oh, erm.

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What's happening?

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HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH

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It's obvious. Now his ap-pun-dix is out, he's got nothing to say.

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HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH

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He is getting worse.

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We're going to need at least two doctors to deal with this.

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HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH

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Don't worry. It's been sorted.

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Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. When Dr Chris and Dr Xand.

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We're here to present a highbrow medical show.

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Lovely. Get in the booth, please.

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We need a new photograph for your ID badges.

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-No, we just had them done.

-No, come on, get in the booth.

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-We don't need it.

-Get in the booth! All the way in. Close the curtains.

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Doors! Doors-ah!

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BELL RINGS

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Ah.

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Down! Heh-heh-heh.

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-Ah!

-Ah!

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It doesn't seem like a photo booth!

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HACKER WHISTLES

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Aaargh!

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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from Operation Ouch and Blow Your Mind,

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it's Doctors Chris and Xand van Tulleken!

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-Ah!

-Ah!

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Welcome to Hacker Time.

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-No.

-No, we're not doing this.

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Whoa. Come back, come back.

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I need you to put my ap-pun-dix back in. I'm all out of bad jokes.

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Listen.

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-Knock-knock.

-Who's there?

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I don't know!

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-Ooh, that is bad.

-It does sound bad.

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-OK, we could help.

-Beltin'. Now, operate on me.

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But we don't have any anaesthetic.

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Don't worry, your life stories will send me to sleep.

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Derek! The fact file.

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Coming up, my little owl.

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Chris and Xand van Tulleken are telly presenting doctors

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who are also identical twins.

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They are so alike, they can only tell each other apart

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by feeling each other's faces.

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They present Blow Your Mind and Operation Ouch,

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where they get up to lots of capers.

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There was the time they were pranked by a naughty skeleton

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who dyed in their mouths blue.

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The time they spent a holiday in the lab

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because they used up all their money on a giant graph.

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And the time they finally got the guts to start their own

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sausage making business.

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It's funny because it's intestine.

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And that's all you need to know about Chris and Xand.

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-Tongs.

-Tongs.

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-Tweezers.

-Tweezers.

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-Swab.

-Swab.

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And there we go. All done.

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Thanks for unpacking my weekly shop.

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I don't know why bought all this medical equipment

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and a faulty oven timer.

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-I suppose this means your ap-pun-dicitis is all better.

-Yes!

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And to prove it I've got plenty more horrific jokes in store.

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Larry! Show 'em.

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Nurse! The screens! Ha-ha.

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Stay tuned to this medical edition of Hacker Time.

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Coming up.

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This guy.

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-This guy.

-Oh, he's learning to hate.

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And this guy.

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Where do you want this wall bracket going, then?

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All this and more on Hacker Time.

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What a stunning display of mediocrity there.

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Don't you think so, cockers?

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Time for your big interview. Question one.

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Speaking as doctors, what's your favourite type of music?

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-Piano music.

-I like flute music.

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Oh, hang on a minute.

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I meant what's your favourite type of mucus.

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CHRIS AND XAND LAUGH

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I prefer bright green with an occasional fleck of brown.

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Ew.

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Right, now. While you're here, you couldn't give me some advice, could you?

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I've got a problem with my liver.

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Oh, no. What is it?

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Should I cook it with leeks or onions?

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DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH

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Seriously, though,

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-I do have a problem with my kidneys.

-Your kidneys? What is it?

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Should I cook them with leeks or onions? Eh?

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-In all seriousness, I do have a problem with my ribs.

-Right.

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-Should you cook it with leek or onions?

-No.

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I actually have a pain in my ribs.

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I think it's from eating all that misleading offal.

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Talking of medical things. Wilf's just had a hip replacement.

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Yes, we've sacked him and replaced him with a hip.

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To be fair, that hip's got more work done than I ever could.

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Where do you want this wall bracket going, then?

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-Just keep hold of it, mate.

-OK.

-Yeah.

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What I want to know is, who is the evil twin?

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I am.

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Ooh!

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-How evil are you?

-He's pretty bad.

-Quite evil.

-Evil.

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Say seven and a half out of ten.

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That's pretty evil, folks, if you are watching.

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Lolly?

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I don't know what you're talking about, Derek.

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LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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Shall we hear some fascinating medical facts?

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Yeah, that would be great.

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OK, but before we do, why don't you have a glass of water?

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-You both like parched.

-That's very nice.

-All right.

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Larry, what's the first fact?

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Your feet produce more than one pint of sweat a day.

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Ooh, Herman. That water was from the tap, wasn't it?

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Oh, yes, Mr Hacker.

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My tap SHOE, that is. Heh-heh.

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Ha-ha. Just kidding, cocker.

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Next fact, please, Larry.

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You get a new stomach lining every three to four days.

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Oh, is that right?

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Yes, that is true. That is true.

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No, it's wrong.

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I've been waiting five days for mine.

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That's the last time I order anything over the internet.

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Next fact.

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Everyone has their own particular smell,

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except for identical twins.

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He's right. You do both smell the same.

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Terrible. Ha-ha.

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Ha-ha.

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LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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-Where do you want the wall bracket going?

-Just keep hold of it. I've said.

-Oh.

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Brilliant.

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We couldn't have ended this interview with a better punchline.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Stomach lining delivery

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-for Mr T DOG.

-Oh!

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Larry. Cut to summat else. It's gone everywhere.

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Put on your dancing shoes because it's time for The Next Step But One.

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Let's do this, people!

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I've been dancing since I was three years old.

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Achieving is all I know.

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Oh, he's awesome to the power of ten. Sigh.

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I've been dancing since I was three months old.

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Stardom is in my blood.

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Her flexibility is off the scale.

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Well, I've been dancing longer than the lot of them.

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I was an odd child. Ho, ho.

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# We'll show the world our moves

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# It's gonna, it's gonna

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# It's gonna be our chance

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# It's gonna be our chance

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# But none of us can dance

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# But none of us can dance. #

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So, it's the day of the audition

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and I'm giving everyone some helpful words of encouragement.

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Out of my way, losers. I'm the best one round here.

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That's why I'm in A Troupe.

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You're not in A Troupe.

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You're just in a troupe.

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-So.

-It's Z Troupe.

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Is it now?

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Get out of my sight.

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Er, hm.

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My main reason for coming here,

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I get to see Emma-Lee every day.

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She's the sunshine in my otherwise wretched life.

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Hey, Emma-Lee,

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would you like to grab a juice with me after rehearsals?

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I'd rather be sick out of my own eyes.

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Some other time then?

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Yeah, sure, yeah.

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Half past never!

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Well, she didn't rule it out.

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Dolphin tale!

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THEY ALL SQUEAK LIKE DOLPHINS

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Now we've all done that for no reason whatsoever,

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let's start the auditions.

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The great thing is, there are 12 places in Z Troupe

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and only 12 of us auditioning.

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So we are all going to get a place.

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Unless, of course, somebody brilliant walks through the door,

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but that's not going to happen.

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So this girl suddenly walks through the door.

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She tells us her name is Rochelle, she's from Wisconsin

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and she'd like to audition.

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My name's Rochelle.

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I'm from Wisconsin

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and I'd like to audition.

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After I told them my name's Rochelle, I'm from Wisconsin

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and I'd like to audition, they couldn't have been more welcoming.

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You

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are

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gonna

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fail.

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ROCHELLE LAUGHS

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Your breath smells of butterflies and rainbows.

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Right, Rochelle, let's see what you've got.

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This is going to be hilarious.

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Yeah, like, I'd feel sorry for her if her hair wasn't so stupid.

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Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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So the new girl starts to dance.

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And I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

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Because it was absolutely gut-wrenchingly,

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bottom-clenchingly

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awful-ly

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brilliant!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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So she can dance. How nice for her.

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But can she do this?

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The results are in. Ho, ho.

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What does it say?

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Crystal Palace one, Queens Park Rangers nil.

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-Whoo-hoo!

-CHEERS

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Where is Emma-Lee?

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It was half past never five minutes ago.

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Congratulations. You've made it into A Troupe.

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A Troupe? The best troupe of all.

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No, it's still just a troupe.

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Z Troupe, then?

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No, the toilet cleaning troupe.

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Here you go.

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Could this day get any worse?

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Look what I can do.

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Bah! That's my face! I do the face!

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By the way,

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I've just blocked the toilet.

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Shall we do what we always do in this part of the show

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-and watch a poorly-made YouBend video?

-Yes.

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Let's have a look at Hacker's Pranks channel. Hoo-hoo.

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All right, cockers.

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Today I'm going to hide behind that withered old shrub

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and scare that old mooey Herman.

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Get behind the shrub like that. Yes.

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I'll wait for him to walk past and then jump out and scare him.

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He's going to get the shock of his life.

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Surprise!

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I wondered why you'd been hiding down there for the last 47 minutes.

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You could see me?

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-Yes.

-Ah.

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Ha-ha. Best prank ever. Hee-hee.

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Oh, but you wouldn't prank me, though, would you, Lolly?

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Lolly? Lolly!

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LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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Doctors Chris and Xand,

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the human body is a fascinating thing, don't you agree?

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Yes, very much so.

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Hey, did you know that I once created my own human body

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out of basic foodstuffs?

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-That sounds very unlikely indeed, Hacker.

-Yes, folks.

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It's that time in the series

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when I get emotionally attached to an object.

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Music, please.

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THUNDER CRASHES

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# Well, I started with a skeleton made of cheese

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# Stilton for his skull, red Leicester for his knees

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# Hands of ham and mainly sausages for his toes

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# Chipolatas on his feet

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# I gave the boy a week-old liver

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# Spaghetti nerve endings to make him shiver

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# A scrambled egg brain and a Jerusalem artichoke nose

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# Well, you wouldn't use a globe one, would you, mate?

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# A black pudding for his heart

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-# Spinach hair

-# How very smart

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# A sprouty bottom meant that he could...

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# Pass wind in a very polite and delicate manner

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# I gave that boy the gift of life

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# But it all just turned to strife

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# When he went on a rampage in a quest for world domination

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# Now he's on the loose and society is at risk

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# I said, he's on the loose and society is at risk

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# Oh, society is at risk, yeah. #

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, wasn't that a lovely story?

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Was it? I mean, you said that society was at risk.

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# Oh-oh, yeah. #

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Oh, no, look. Oh, he's learning to hate.

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Larry!

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Do summat.

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Thanks, Hacker.

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FOOD MAN MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY

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Well, they say laughter is the best medicine,

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so get ready to be very, very ill.

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Still to come on Hacker Time.

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Chris and Xand find out what's for dinner.

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There's a lot at STEAK in the catering van.

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And take your steak with you!

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And Hacker realises he smells like a gibbon's armpit.

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Ooh, yeah.

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HACKER SNIFFS

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Oh, fiddlesticks!

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All this and more on Hacker Time!

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Well, that food-human won't be bothering us again.

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And wasn't it nice of him to leave us this lovely picnic?

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Mm. Delicious. Very nice.

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Now there's something I've always wanted to know about you two.

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Something that will change the way I look at life forever.

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-What I want to know is...

-BELL RINGS

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Ooh, lunch. Hey-hey! I haven't eaten for seconds. See ya!

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I hope it's a gingham tablecloth.

0:16:400:16:42

Do you think they're coming back?

0:16:430:16:45

Enjoy your Chateaubriand and chips.

0:16:490:16:53

Thank you. Come on, darling.

0:16:530:16:55

So, Wilf,

0:16:570:16:59

are you going to take me out for a romantic meal today?

0:16:590:17:03

Today? What's so special about today?

0:17:030:17:06

It's our 50th anniversary.

0:17:060:17:09

Have you forgotten?

0:17:090:17:10

Erm, oh, of course not, no.

0:17:100:17:12

That's why I bought you this, er,

0:17:120:17:15

invisible box of chocolates.

0:17:150:17:17

That's it!

0:17:170:17:19

I'm not talking to you any more.

0:17:190:17:21

Hello. Can I order some food, please?

0:17:230:17:26

-Tell him what you want.

-Oh.

0:17:260:17:28

I'd like the fillet steak, please.

0:17:280:17:30

Tell her to pass me the steak.

0:17:300:17:33

Tell him the steak is next to the stove.

0:17:330:17:37

Well, tell her I need some lard to fry it with.

0:17:370:17:40

Tell him he's got enough lard right between his ears.

0:17:400:17:46

Well, tell her she's got a hideous face,

0:17:460:17:48

unmanageable hair

0:17:480:17:50

and she stinks like a gibbon's armpit. Hip-hip.

0:17:500:17:52

Well, tell her.

0:17:540:17:56

-Do I have to?

-Yes!

0:17:560:17:58

You've got a hideous face,

0:18:010:18:03

unmanageable hair

0:18:030:18:05

and you stink like a gibbon's armpit.

0:18:050:18:07

How dare you speak to my wife like that?

0:18:070:18:10

Get out!

0:18:100:18:12

And take your steak with you!

0:18:120:18:14

Oh!

0:18:140:18:15

Oh, Wilf.

0:18:180:18:20

How could I stay mad at you?

0:18:200:18:23

Never mind that.

0:18:230:18:24

How could I forget our 50th wedding anniversary?

0:18:240:18:27

Oh, it wasn't our 50th wedding anniversary.

0:18:270:18:30

It was the 50th anniversary of the day I bought that steak.

0:18:300:18:35

Oh.

0:18:350:18:36

You think more of the steak than you do me, don't you?

0:18:360:18:39

I'll fire up the van.

0:18:390:18:41

Hip-hip.

0:18:410:18:42

And now, Hacker Time proudly presents Operation Pooch.

0:18:440:18:49

So, what you think, doctors?

0:18:510:18:54

Well, I think it's the most hideous boil I've ever seen in my life.

0:18:540:18:58

It's oozing pus and it smells disgusting.

0:18:580:19:02

What boil?

0:19:020:19:03

I just wanted you to take a look at my foot.

0:19:030:19:08

Oh, I'm leaving.

0:19:080:19:10

-Well, that's all our patients seen for the day.

-Yes.

0:19:100:19:13

Yes, it is. Unless some fool comes in with a daft medical emergency.

0:19:130:19:18

Help, help, help! I've got a pain in my neck.

0:19:180:19:21

-Really?

-Yes, a window pane.

0:19:210:19:23

I'm stuck in my uPVC.

0:19:230:19:25

DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH

0:19:250:19:27

-Do you have a real problem?

-Yes.

0:19:270:19:29

I must be seeing double.

0:19:290:19:31

No, there are two of us, Hacker.

0:19:310:19:32

-I know. I'm seeing four of you.

-Really?

0:19:320:19:35

No, I just can't count, cocker.

0:19:350:19:37

Look, is there actually anything wrong with you at all?

0:19:370:19:40

Doctor, doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains.

0:19:400:19:43

I'd heard this one before.

0:19:430:19:44

Pull yourself together.

0:19:440:19:45

Now, I could really do with a new pair of curtains to spruce up

0:19:450:19:48

this stark window frame.

0:19:480:19:50

THE DOCTORS SIGH

0:19:500:19:51

Seriously, though,

0:19:510:19:52

-I think I need to give you a wee sample.

-Pardon?

-Pardon?

0:19:520:19:55

Yes, a wee sample of curtain material. Yay-hey.

0:19:550:19:59

-Which do you think will match the sofa?

-Look, what is wrong with you?

0:19:590:20:02

The truth is I've caught a nasty bug.

0:20:020:20:06

Uh!

0:20:060:20:07

Yeah, look, I've caught him.

0:20:070:20:09

That's stopped you from going around and around, hasn't it, eh?

0:20:090:20:12

-Get out of my sight.

-I'm starting to lose my patience.

0:20:120:20:15

Oh, you should lock the waiting room doors then, shouldn't you?

0:20:150:20:18

Right, that's enough.

0:20:180:20:19

-Get out.

-All right. Calm down, the four of you, will you?

0:20:190:20:22

Can't you see I've got a terrible illness?

0:20:220:20:25

Yes. Six down, 16 letters. A terrible illness. What could it be?

0:20:250:20:29

-Look, what do you want from us?

-The answer to this.

0:20:290:20:33

Oh, it's very embarrassing,

0:20:330:20:35

but I need you to put some cream on these.

0:20:350:20:37

THEY GASP

0:20:370:20:39

These strawberries down here.

0:20:390:20:41

Hacker, those aren't strawberries.

0:20:410:20:43

-They're raspberries.

-Ooh.

0:20:430:20:45

But I'm afraid you do have piles.

0:20:450:20:47

And piles of them.

0:20:480:20:50

Ooh, that's good, isn't it?

0:20:500:20:51

Wait a minute, I think I can see what the problem is.

0:20:510:20:54

Are you sure, because my handwriting isn't that good?

0:20:540:20:57

Look, it's obvious from all these terrible jokes

0:20:570:21:00

that your ap-pun-dicitis has come back.

0:21:000:21:02

And this time, it's catching.

0:21:020:21:04

What can you do for me?

0:21:090:21:11

-Well, we can start by cutting that off.

-Ooh!

0:21:110:21:15

That's the edge of this curtain swatch. Look how frayed it is.

0:21:150:21:19

But we will have to take you to the theatre.

0:21:190:21:23

Cats or Les Mis?

0:21:230:21:24

Oh, docs, please tell me, how long have I got?

0:21:240:21:28

I'd say about five seconds.

0:21:280:21:30

Before you get exhausted from gasping so much.

0:21:320:21:34

Are you sure I haven't got anything more serious?

0:21:340:21:37

That's it. Chronic bottom rot.

0:21:370:21:40

Not that. Anything but that.

0:21:400:21:43

Yes, six down, 16 letters, chronic bottom rot.

0:21:430:21:47

Oh, yeah. Thanks, guys.

0:21:470:21:49

You do also actually have chronic bottom rot.

0:21:530:21:55

Oh, no!

0:21:550:21:57

HACKER BREAKS WIND

0:21:570:21:59

Ooh, there's the start of it.

0:21:590:22:01

HACKER BREAKS WIND

0:22:010:22:02

It's time for school,

0:22:020:22:04

but don't worry,

0:22:040:22:06

you won't be learning anything.

0:22:060:22:08

It's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.

0:22:080:22:10

BELL RINGS

0:22:100:22:11

OK, class, a tough one today.

0:22:120:22:14

Who can tell me

0:22:140:22:15

in which year did Edmund Cartwright invent the power loom?

0:22:150:22:20

Anyone?

0:22:200:22:21

Rina.

0:22:210:22:22

FLIES BUZZ

0:22:220:22:25

Ah! What's that putrid stench?

0:22:250:22:28

I've no idea what you are talking about.

0:22:280:22:30

Dex, you smell like a badger's bonnet.

0:22:300:22:34

I know.

0:22:340:22:35

# Got a problem, I can't have a shower

0:22:380:22:40

# The plumber's busy and I've got no power

0:22:400:22:42

# Been calling him up for days and days

0:22:420:22:44

# My armpits are smelling in so many different ways

0:22:440:22:47

# Dex, get away from me, you're smelling of cheese

0:22:470:22:49

# Your odour di-gross-ious, get away me fleas

0:22:490:22:52

# I can't even look at you, your hair's glowing green

0:22:520:22:54

# Pull yourself together, man, and have a good clean

0:22:540:22:57

# Easier said than done, my friend

0:22:570:22:59

# The plumber's gone awry

0:22:590:23:00

# He made me use the U-bend

0:23:000:23:01

# Will I ever be clean

0:23:010:23:03

# I'm losing hope

0:23:030:23:04

# You seriously need to use some soap

0:23:040:23:07

# Oh, I'm so smelly

0:23:070:23:10

# And I don't know what to do

0:23:100:23:14

# Have a wash, apply antiperspirant

0:23:140:23:16

# Oh, he's so smelly

0:23:160:23:20

# Like a withered old brown

0:23:200:23:23

# Shoe. #

0:23:230:23:25

Hang on a second, Josh.

0:23:250:23:27

Don't we share a bathroom?

0:23:270:23:29

You haven't had a shower either.

0:23:290:23:30

Oh, yeah!

0:23:300:23:32

SNIFFS

0:23:320:23:33

Oh, fiddlesticks! Oh!

0:23:330:23:36

BELL RINGS

0:23:360:23:38

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:23:380:23:39

hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show.

0:23:390:23:44

The quiz that we like to call...

0:23:440:23:47

Sit On The Lav-lav And Answer Some Questions.

0:23:470:23:50

TOILET FLUSHES

0:23:540:23:56

Yes, Doctors Chris and Xand.

0:23:560:23:58

The rules of this game are bog-standard. Heh. It's good, that.

0:23:580:24:00

All you have to do is...

0:24:000:24:02

TOILET FLUSHES

0:24:060:24:08

..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

0:24:080:24:11

-How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

-Comfortable.

-Isn't it?

0:24:110:24:14

Is it still warm?

0:24:140:24:16

Oh, a little bit.

0:24:160:24:17

The time will end when you hear this sound.

0:24:170:24:20

LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

0:24:200:24:23

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

0:24:230:24:25

Start the clock.

0:24:250:24:26

What are thighs?

0:24:260:24:29

Bits of your legs.

0:24:290:24:30

No, they're the things between th'ears and either side o' th'nose.

0:24:300:24:34

Now, young Herman here has disguised his internal organ

0:24:340:24:37

as a famous character,

0:24:370:24:38

but tell us who's that offal to you?

0:24:380:24:41

-A pirate of some kind?

-No.

0:24:420:24:44

It's Lung John Silver.

0:24:440:24:46

The legendary pirate lung. Yes.

0:24:460:24:48

Hey, Herman, if you clean that up,

0:24:480:24:49

you might be able to get a bit of money back at the butchers.

0:24:490:24:52

Off you pop, cocker. A what a day keeps the doctor away?

0:24:520:24:55

-Apple.

-Apple.

-No.

0:24:550:24:57

It's a feral hamster.

0:24:570:24:59

And now for a bit of music.

0:24:590:25:00

Please welcome my chum and yours, the Big Ag, Acky G!

0:25:000:25:05

# It's Accordion George, Acky G. #

0:25:050:25:08

George, George, the big George. Yes.

0:25:080:25:10

Acky G is about to play you a fantastic tune

0:25:100:25:13

on his top-notch acc and you must guess what he's playing.

0:25:130:25:16

Take it away, the Big G.

0:25:160:25:18

Well, lads, you've got very little chance of getting this

0:25:350:25:37

cos he was rubbish. You were rubbish then George.

0:25:370:25:39

What was he playing, cockers?

0:25:390:25:41

-No idea at all.

-You've no idea at all.

0:25:410:25:43

Well, let's find out if you are right.

0:25:430:25:45

# Let it go, let it go... #

0:25:450:25:48

Give us a dance, George.

0:25:480:25:50

# Can't hold it back any more

0:25:500:25:51

# Let it go, let it go. #

0:25:510:25:53

It was Let It Go from Frozen.

0:25:530:25:55

Acky G, you should let that accordion go.

0:25:550:25:57

You can't play it. You're rubbish. Now, go away!

0:25:570:26:00

Go on, out of my sight and take your stool with you.

0:26:000:26:03

What a man. What a man.

0:26:030:26:06

Right. Complete this programme title.

0:26:060:26:09

-Blow Your...

-BOTH: Mind.

-Nil!

0:26:090:26:12

Blow your nose. It's a disgrace.

0:26:120:26:14

-Name a blood type.

-A.

-B.

0:26:140:26:17

I would've said red, but I would have accepted wet.

0:26:170:26:20

LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

0:26:200:26:23

Time's up. That means you have won today's star prize.

0:26:230:26:27

A cheque-book from the 1980s.

0:26:270:26:29

These cheques are no longer accepted as legal currency.

0:26:290:26:32

What you think about that, cockers?

0:26:320:26:34

-It's a bit rubbish.

-Not the best prize.

0:26:340:26:36

It is of it, isn't it?

0:26:360:26:37

Well the prizes don't stop there, me old cocker

0:26:370:26:39

because you've also won a holiday.

0:26:390:26:41

Ooh, where?

0:26:410:26:42

To the sewers beneath this very studio.

0:26:420:26:44

Any last words before you go?

0:26:440:26:46

-What?

-Now, hang on.

0:26:460:26:48

Herman, flush them away.

0:26:480:26:50

-Aaargh!

-Aaargh!

0:26:520:26:54

What a lovely quartet of doctors they were.

0:26:540:26:57

That's almost it for today.

0:26:570:26:58

I'm off to buy a length of plywood from an online auction site.

0:26:580:27:02

But first there is the small matter of my song.

0:27:020:27:05

Join in, cockers!

0:27:050:27:06

# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:110:27:14

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:140:27:16

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:160:27:18

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:180:27:21

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

0:27:210:27:23

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

0:27:230:27:26

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

0:27:260:27:28

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

0:27:280:27:31

# Chris and Xand popped in today

0:27:310:27:33

# The banter was simply stunning

0:27:330:27:35

# Until we all got very ill

0:27:350:27:37

# With a serious case of dreadfully atrocious punning

0:27:370:27:40

# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:400:27:42

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:420:27:44

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:440:27:47

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:470:27:50

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:500:27:52

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

0:27:520:27:54

Where do you want this wall bracket, then?

0:27:540:27:57

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog. Featuring the drama series The Next Step but One, starring Hacker as Emma-Lee, Ed Petrie as Eddon and Kelly-Anne Lyons as Rochelle. Kay Purcell plays Mrs Breadbin in the catering van sketch, and Ortis Deley takes up the role as Dexter in The Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

This episode features Operation Ouch presenters Dr Chris and Dr Xand van Tulleken.


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