Chris and Xand Hacker Time

Today's Hacker Time was made using a harpsichord

and a large role of packaging tape.

Good morning. How's everyone feeling?

Terrible.

There's a nasty bug going around.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

It's in the kitchen and he's really getting on my nerves.

Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were under the weather.

Oh, I am.

Sunny spells with scattered showers to be precise.

CYMBAL CRASH

-So, you don't have a temperature?

-Oh, I do.

19 degrees Celsius in lower lying areas.

DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH

Well, at least he hasn't got the wind.

Oh, I have.

A 20mph north-westerly from the Atlantic.

I think I see what's going on.

Hacker is suffering from acute ap-PUN-dicitis.

THUNDER RUMBLES

He just can't help making feeble jokes.

I wondered why I was feeling a little pale.

It'll be perfect for collecting all this rainwater!

Oh, make it stop.

Oh, please make it stop.

And that's not all.

I actually have wind.

HACKER BREAKS WIND

-Oh!

-Oh! Oh, stop. Oh, no.

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you

# So hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show... Hah!

# ..you can't touch. #

Thank you.

Standby, everyone. We are on air in five.

Four, three...

LARRY COUGHS

..two, one.

Cue Larry.

Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise,

but not that kind of noise, for Hacker T Dog!

You all right, cockers?

-Is he better now?

-Yes. We removed his ap-PUN-dix before the show.

He'll never tell a terrible joke again.

We've got lots coming up today.

Erm, oh, oh, erm.

What's happening?

HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH

It's obvious. Now his ap-pun-dix is out, he's got nothing to say.

HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH

He is getting worse.

We're going to need at least two doctors to deal with this.

HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Don't worry. It's been sorted.

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. When Dr Chris and Dr Xand.

We're here to present a highbrow medical show.

Lovely. Get in the booth, please.

We need a new photograph for your ID badges.

-No, we just had them done.

-No, come on, get in the booth.

-We don't need it.

-Get in the booth! All the way in. Close the curtains.

Doors! Doors-ah!

BELL RINGS

Ah.

Down! Heh-heh-heh.

-Ah!

-Ah!

It doesn't seem like a photo booth!

HACKER WHISTLES

Aaargh!

Ladies and gentlemen,

from Operation Ouch and Blow Your Mind,

it's Doctors Chris and Xand van Tulleken!

-Ah!

-Ah!

Welcome to Hacker Time.

-No.

-No, we're not doing this.

Whoa. Come back, come back.

I need you to put my ap-pun-dix back in. I'm all out of bad jokes.

Listen.

-Knock-knock.

-Who's there?

I don't know!

-Ooh, that is bad.

-It does sound bad.

-OK, we could help.

-Beltin'. Now, operate on me.

But we don't have any anaesthetic.

Don't worry, your life stories will send me to sleep.

Derek! The fact file.

Coming up, my little owl.

Chris and Xand van Tulleken are telly presenting doctors

who are also identical twins.

They are so alike, they can only tell each other apart

by feeling each other's faces.

They present Blow Your Mind and Operation Ouch,

where they get up to lots of capers.

There was the time they were pranked by a naughty skeleton

who dyed in their mouths blue.

The time they spent a holiday in the lab

because they used up all their money on a giant graph.

And the time they finally got the guts to start their own

sausage making business.

It's funny because it's intestine.

And that's all you need to know about Chris and Xand.

-Tongs.

-Tongs.

-Tweezers.

-Tweezers.

-Swab.

-Swab.

And there we go. All done.

Thanks for unpacking my weekly shop.

I don't know why bought all this medical equipment

and a faulty oven timer.

-I suppose this means your ap-pun-dicitis is all better.

-Yes!

And to prove it I've got plenty more horrific jokes in store.

Larry! Show 'em.

Nurse! The screens! Ha-ha.

Stay tuned to this medical edition of Hacker Time.

Coming up.

This guy.

-This guy.

-Oh, he's learning to hate.

And this guy.

Where do you want this wall bracket going, then?

All this and more on Hacker Time.

What a stunning display of mediocrity there.

Don't you think so, cockers?

Time for your big interview. Question one.

Speaking as doctors, what's your favourite type of music?

-Piano music.

-I like flute music.

Oh, hang on a minute.

I meant what's your favourite type of mucus.

CHRIS AND XAND LAUGH

I prefer bright green with an occasional fleck of brown.

Ew.

Right, now. While you're here, you couldn't give me some advice, could you?

I've got a problem with my liver.

Oh, no. What is it?

Should I cook it with leeks or onions?

DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH

Seriously, though,

-I do have a problem with my kidneys.

-Your kidneys? What is it?

Should I cook them with leeks or onions? Eh?

-In all seriousness, I do have a problem with my ribs.

-Right.

-Should you cook it with leek or onions?

-No.

I actually have a pain in my ribs.

I think it's from eating all that misleading offal.

Talking of medical things. Wilf's just had a hip replacement.

Yes, we've sacked him and replaced him with a hip.

To be fair, that hip's got more work done than I ever could.

Where do you want this wall bracket going, then?

-Just keep hold of it, mate.

-OK.

-Yeah.

What I want to know is, who is the evil twin?

I am.

Ooh!

-How evil are you?

-He's pretty bad.

-Quite evil.

-Evil.

Say seven and a half out of ten.

That's pretty evil, folks, if you are watching.

Lolly?

I don't know what you're talking about, Derek.

LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Shall we hear some fascinating medical facts?

Yeah, that would be great.

OK, but before we do, why don't you have a glass of water?

-You both like parched.

-That's very nice.

-All right.

Larry, what's the first fact?

Your feet produce more than one pint of sweat a day.

Ooh, Herman. That water was from the tap, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, Mr Hacker.

My tap SHOE, that is. Heh-heh.

Ha-ha. Just kidding, cocker.

Next fact, please, Larry.

You get a new stomach lining every three to four days.

Oh, is that right?

Yes, that is true. That is true.

No, it's wrong.

I've been waiting five days for mine.

That's the last time I order anything over the internet.

Next fact.

Everyone has their own particular smell,

except for identical twins.

He's right. You do both smell the same.

Terrible. Ha-ha.

Ha-ha.

LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Where do you want the wall bracket going?

-Just keep hold of it. I've said.

-Oh.

Brilliant.

We couldn't have ended this interview with a better punchline.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Stomach lining delivery

-for Mr T DOG.

-Oh!

Larry. Cut to summat else. It's gone everywhere.

Put on your dancing shoes because it's time for The Next Step But One.

Let's do this, people!

I've been dancing since I was three years old.

Achieving is all I know.

Oh, he's awesome to the power of ten. Sigh.

I've been dancing since I was three months old.

Stardom is in my blood.

Her flexibility is off the scale.

Well, I've been dancing longer than the lot of them.

I was an odd child. Ho, ho.

# We'll show the world our moves

# It's gonna, it's gonna

# It's gonna be our chance

# It's gonna be our chance

# But none of us can dance

# But none of us can dance. #

So, it's the day of the audition

and I'm giving everyone some helpful words of encouragement.

Out of my way, losers. I'm the best one round here.

That's why I'm in A Troupe.

You're not in A Troupe.

You're just in a troupe.

-So.

-It's Z Troupe.

Is it now?

Get out of my sight.

Er, hm.

My main reason for coming here,

I get to see Emma-Lee every day.

She's the sunshine in my otherwise wretched life.

Hey, Emma-Lee,

would you like to grab a juice with me after rehearsals?

I'd rather be sick out of my own eyes.

Some other time then?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Half past never!

Well, she didn't rule it out.

Dolphin tale!

THEY ALL SQUEAK LIKE DOLPHINS

Now we've all done that for no reason whatsoever,

let's start the auditions.

The great thing is, there are 12 places in Z Troupe

and only 12 of us auditioning.

So we are all going to get a place.

Unless, of course, somebody brilliant walks through the door,

but that's not going to happen.

So this girl suddenly walks through the door.

She tells us her name is Rochelle, she's from Wisconsin

and she'd like to audition.

My name's Rochelle.

I'm from Wisconsin

and I'd like to audition.

After I told them my name's Rochelle, I'm from Wisconsin

and I'd like to audition, they couldn't have been more welcoming.

You

are

gonna

fail.

ROCHELLE LAUGHS

Your breath smells of butterflies and rainbows.

Right, Rochelle, let's see what you've got.

This is going to be hilarious.

Yeah, like, I'd feel sorry for her if her hair wasn't so stupid.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

So the new girl starts to dance.

And I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Because it was absolutely gut-wrenchingly,

bottom-clenchingly

awful-ly

brilliant!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

So she can dance. How nice for her.

But can she do this?

The results are in. Ho, ho.

What does it say?

Crystal Palace one, Queens Park Rangers nil.

-Whoo-hoo!

-CHEERS

Where is Emma-Lee?

It was half past never five minutes ago.

Congratulations. You've made it into A Troupe.

A Troupe? The best troupe of all.

No, it's still just a troupe.

Z Troupe, then?

No, the toilet cleaning troupe.

Here you go.

Could this day get any worse?

Look what I can do.

Bah! That's my face! I do the face!

By the way,

I've just blocked the toilet.

Shall we do what we always do in this part of the show

-and watch a poorly-made YouBend video?

-Yes.

Let's have a look at Hacker's Pranks channel. Hoo-hoo.

All right, cockers.

Today I'm going to hide behind that withered old shrub

and scare that old mooey Herman.

Get behind the shrub like that. Yes.

I'll wait for him to walk past and then jump out and scare him.

He's going to get the shock of his life.

Surprise!

I wondered why you'd been hiding down there for the last 47 minutes.

You could see me?

-Yes.

-Ah.

Ha-ha. Best prank ever. Hee-hee.

Oh, but you wouldn't prank me, though, would you, Lolly?

Lolly? Lolly!

LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Doctors Chris and Xand,

the human body is a fascinating thing, don't you agree?

Yes, very much so.

Hey, did you know that I once created my own human body

out of basic foodstuffs?

-That sounds very unlikely indeed, Hacker.

-Yes, folks.

It's that time in the series

when I get emotionally attached to an object.

Music, please.

THUNDER CRASHES

# Well, I started with a skeleton made of cheese

# Stilton for his skull, red Leicester for his knees

# Hands of ham and mainly sausages for his toes

# Chipolatas on his feet

# I gave the boy a week-old liver

# Spaghetti nerve endings to make him shiver

# A scrambled egg brain and a Jerusalem artichoke nose

# Well, you wouldn't use a globe one, would you, mate?

# A black pudding for his heart

-# Spinach hair

-# How very smart

# A sprouty bottom meant that he could...

# Pass wind in a very polite and delicate manner

# I gave that boy the gift of life

# But it all just turned to strife

# When he went on a rampage in a quest for world domination

# Now he's on the loose and society is at risk

# I said, he's on the loose and society is at risk

# Oh, society is at risk, yeah. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, wasn't that a lovely story?

Was it? I mean, you said that society was at risk.

# Oh-oh, yeah. #

Oh, no, look. Oh, he's learning to hate.

Larry!

Do summat.

Thanks, Hacker.

FOOD MAN MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY

Well, they say laughter is the best medicine,

so get ready to be very, very ill.

Still to come on Hacker Time.

Chris and Xand find out what's for dinner.

There's a lot at STEAK in the catering van.

And take your steak with you!

And Hacker realises he smells like a gibbon's armpit.

Ooh, yeah.

HACKER SNIFFS

Oh, fiddlesticks!

All this and more on Hacker Time!

Well, that food-human won't be bothering us again.

And wasn't it nice of him to leave us this lovely picnic?

Mm. Delicious. Very nice.

Now there's something I've always wanted to know about you two.

Something that will change the way I look at life forever.

-What I want to know is...

-BELL RINGS

Ooh, lunch. Hey-hey! I haven't eaten for seconds. See ya!

I hope it's a gingham tablecloth.

Do you think they're coming back?

Enjoy your Chateaubriand and chips.

Thank you. Come on, darling.

So, Wilf,

are you going to take me out for a romantic meal today?

Today? What's so special about today?

It's our 50th anniversary.

Have you forgotten?

Erm, oh, of course not, no.

That's why I bought you this, er,

invisible box of chocolates.

That's it!

I'm not talking to you any more.

Hello. Can I order some food, please?

-Tell him what you want.

-Oh.

I'd like the fillet steak, please.

Tell her to pass me the steak.

Tell him the steak is next to the stove.

Well, tell her I need some lard to fry it with.

Tell him he's got enough lard right between his ears.

Well, tell her she's got a hideous face,

unmanageable hair

and she stinks like a gibbon's armpit. Hip-hip.

Well, tell her.

-Do I have to?

-Yes!

You've got a hideous face,

unmanageable hair

and you stink like a gibbon's armpit.

How dare you speak to my wife like that?

Get out!

And take your steak with you!

Oh!

Oh, Wilf.

How could I stay mad at you?

Never mind that.

How could I forget our 50th wedding anniversary?

Oh, it wasn't our 50th wedding anniversary.

It was the 50th anniversary of the day I bought that steak.

Oh.

You think more of the steak than you do me, don't you?

I'll fire up the van.

Hip-hip.

And now, Hacker Time proudly presents Operation Pooch.

So, what you think, doctors?

Well, I think it's the most hideous boil I've ever seen in my life.

It's oozing pus and it smells disgusting.

What boil?

I just wanted you to take a look at my foot.

Oh, I'm leaving.

-Well, that's all our patients seen for the day.

-Yes.

Yes, it is. Unless some fool comes in with a daft medical emergency.

Help, help, help! I've got a pain in my neck.

-Really?

-Yes, a window pane.

I'm stuck in my uPVC.

DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH

-Do you have a real problem?

-Yes.

I must be seeing double.

No, there are two of us, Hacker.

-I know. I'm seeing four of you.

-Really?

No, I just can't count, cocker.

Look, is there actually anything wrong with you at all?

Doctor, doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains.

I'd heard this one before.

Pull yourself together.

Now, I could really do with a new pair of curtains to spruce up

this stark window frame.

THE DOCTORS SIGH

Seriously, though,

-I think I need to give you a wee sample.

-Pardon?

-Pardon?

Yes, a wee sample of curtain material. Yay-hey.

-Which do you think will match the sofa?

-Look, what is wrong with you?

The truth is I've caught a nasty bug.

Uh!

Yeah, look, I've caught him.

That's stopped you from going around and around, hasn't it, eh?

-Get out of my sight.

-I'm starting to lose my patience.

Oh, you should lock the waiting room doors then, shouldn't you?

Right, that's enough.

-Get out.

-All right. Calm down, the four of you, will you?

Can't you see I've got a terrible illness?

Yes. Six down, 16 letters. A terrible illness. What could it be?

-Look, what do you want from us?

-The answer to this.

Oh, it's very embarrassing,

but I need you to put some cream on these.

THEY GASP

These strawberries down here.

Hacker, those aren't strawberries.

-They're raspberries.

-Ooh.

But I'm afraid you do have piles.

And piles of them.

Ooh, that's good, isn't it?

Wait a minute, I think I can see what the problem is.

Are you sure, because my handwriting isn't that good?

Look, it's obvious from all these terrible jokes

that your ap-pun-dicitis has come back.

And this time, it's catching.

What can you do for me?

-Well, we can start by cutting that off.

-Ooh!

That's the edge of this curtain swatch. Look how frayed it is.

But we will have to take you to the theatre.

Cats or Les Mis?

Oh, docs, please tell me, how long have I got?

I'd say about five seconds.

Before you get exhausted from gasping so much.

Are you sure I haven't got anything more serious?

That's it. Chronic bottom rot.

Not that. Anything but that.

Yes, six down, 16 letters, chronic bottom rot.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, guys.

You do also actually have chronic bottom rot.

Oh, no!

HACKER BREAKS WIND

Ooh, there's the start of it.

HACKER BREAKS WIND

It's time for school,

but don't worry,

you won't be learning anything.

It's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.

BELL RINGS

OK, class, a tough one today.

Who can tell me

in which year did Edmund Cartwright invent the power loom?

Anyone?

Rina.

FLIES BUZZ

Ah! What's that putrid stench?

I've no idea what you are talking about.

Dex, you smell like a badger's bonnet.

I know.

# Got a problem, I can't have a shower

# The plumber's busy and I've got no power

# Been calling him up for days and days

# My armpits are smelling in so many different ways

# Dex, get away from me, you're smelling of cheese

# Your odour di-gross-ious, get away me fleas

# I can't even look at you, your hair's glowing green

# Pull yourself together, man, and have a good clean

# Easier said than done, my friend

# The plumber's gone awry

# He made me use the U-bend

# Will I ever be clean

# I'm losing hope

# You seriously need to use some soap

# Oh, I'm so smelly

# And I don't know what to do

# Have a wash, apply antiperspirant

# Oh, he's so smelly

# Like a withered old brown

# Shoe. #

Hang on a second, Josh.

Don't we share a bathroom?

You haven't had a shower either.

Oh, yeah!

SNIFFS

Oh, fiddlesticks! Oh!

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen,

hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show.

The quiz that we like to call...

Sit On The Lav-lav And Answer Some Questions.

TOILET FLUSHES

Yes, Doctors Chris and Xand.

The rules of this game are bog-standard. Heh. It's good, that.

All you have to do is...

TOILET FLUSHES

..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

-How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

-Comfortable.

-Isn't it?

Is it still warm?

Oh, a little bit.

The time will end when you hear this sound.

LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Start the clock.

What are thighs?

Bits of your legs.

No, they're the things between th'ears and either side o' th'nose.

Now, young Herman here has disguised his internal organ

as a famous character,

but tell us who's that offal to you?

-A pirate of some kind?

-No.

It's Lung John Silver.

The legendary pirate lung. Yes.

Hey, Herman, if you clean that up,

you might be able to get a bit of money back at the butchers.

Off you pop, cocker. A what a day keeps the doctor away?

-Apple.

-Apple.

-No.

It's a feral hamster.

And now for a bit of music.

Please welcome my chum and yours, the Big Ag, Acky G!

# It's Accordion George, Acky G. #

George, George, the big George. Yes.

Acky G is about to play you a fantastic tune

on his top-notch acc and you must guess what he's playing.

Take it away, the Big G.

Well, lads, you've got very little chance of getting this

cos he was rubbish. You were rubbish then George.

What was he playing, cockers?

-No idea at all.

-You've no idea at all.

Well, let's find out if you are right.

# Let it go, let it go... #

Give us a dance, George.

# Can't hold it back any more

# Let it go, let it go. #

It was Let It Go from Frozen.

Acky G, you should let that accordion go.

You can't play it. You're rubbish. Now, go away!

Go on, out of my sight and take your stool with you.

What a man. What a man.

Right. Complete this programme title.

-Blow Your...

-BOTH: Mind.

-Nil!

Blow your nose. It's a disgrace.

-Name a blood type.

-A.

-B.

I would've said red, but I would have accepted wet.

LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Time's up. That means you have won today's star prize.

A cheque-book from the 1980s.

These cheques are no longer accepted as legal currency.

What you think about that, cockers?

-It's a bit rubbish.

-Not the best prize.

It is of it, isn't it?

Well the prizes don't stop there, me old cocker

because you've also won a holiday.

Ooh, where?

To the sewers beneath this very studio.

Any last words before you go?

-What?

-Now, hang on.

Herman, flush them away.

-Aaargh!

-Aaargh!

What a lovely quartet of doctors they were.

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to buy a length of plywood from an online auction site.

But first there is the small matter of my song.

Join in, cockers!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Chris and Xand popped in today

# The banter was simply stunning

# Until we all got very ill

# With a serious case of dreadfully atrocious punning

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

Where do you want this wall bracket, then?