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Today's Hacker Time was made using a harpsichord | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
and a large role of packaging tape. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
Good morning. How's everyone feeling? | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
Terrible. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
There's a nasty bug going around. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
-Oh, really? -Yeah. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
It's in the kitchen and he's really getting on my nerves. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were under the weather. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:22 | |
Oh, I am. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Sunny spells with scattered showers to be precise. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
CYMBAL CRASH | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
-So, you don't have a temperature? -Oh, I do. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:32 | |
19 degrees Celsius in lower lying areas. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH | 0:00:35 | 0:00:36 | |
Well, at least he hasn't got the wind. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
Oh, I have. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
A 20mph north-westerly from the Atlantic. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
I think I see what's going on. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
Hacker is suffering from acute ap-PUN-dicitis. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
THUNDER RUMBLES | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
He just can't help making feeble jokes. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
I wondered why I was feeling a little pale. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
It'll be perfect for collecting all this rainwater! | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
Oh, make it stop. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Oh, please make it stop. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
And that's not all. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
I actually have wind. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
HACKER BREAKS WIND | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
-Oh! -Oh! Oh, stop. Oh, no. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
# You gonna watch this? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
# My, my, my, my programme hits you | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
# So hard | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!" | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
# Thank you for watching me | 0:01:34 | 0:01:35 | |
# It's telly, but not what you normally see | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
# It feels good, there's outtakes too | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
# So sit back, don't move too much | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
# This is the show... Hah! | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
# ..you can't touch. # | 0:01:44 | 0:01:45 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
Standby, everyone. We are on air in five. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:53 | |
Four, three... | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
LARRY COUGHS | 0:01:55 | 0:01:56 | |
..two, one. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
Cue Larry. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise, | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
but not that kind of noise, for Hacker T Dog! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:08 | |
You all right, cockers? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:10 | |
-Is he better now? -Yes. We removed his ap-PUN-dix before the show. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
He'll never tell a terrible joke again. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
We've got lots coming up today. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
Erm, oh, oh, erm. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
What's happening? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
It's obvious. Now his ap-pun-dix is out, he's got nothing to say. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
He is getting worse. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
We're going to need at least two doctors to deal with this. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
HACKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
Don't worry. It's been sorted. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. When Dr Chris and Dr Xand. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
We're here to present a highbrow medical show. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Lovely. Get in the booth, please. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
We need a new photograph for your ID badges. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
-No, we just had them done. -No, come on, get in the booth. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
-We don't need it. -Get in the booth! All the way in. Close the curtains. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:04 | |
Doors! Doors-ah! | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Ah. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Down! Heh-heh-heh. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
-Ah! -Ah! | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
It doesn't seem like a photo booth! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
HACKER WHISTLES | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
Aaargh! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
from Operation Ouch and Blow Your Mind, | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
it's Doctors Chris and Xand van Tulleken! | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
-Ah! -Ah! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
Welcome to Hacker Time. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
-No. -No, we're not doing this. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Whoa. Come back, come back. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
I need you to put my ap-pun-dix back in. I'm all out of bad jokes. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
Listen. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:40 | |
-Knock-knock. -Who's there? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:41 | |
I don't know! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
-Ooh, that is bad. -It does sound bad. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
-OK, we could help. -Beltin'. Now, operate on me. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
But we don't have any anaesthetic. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
Don't worry, your life stories will send me to sleep. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
Derek! The fact file. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:55 | |
Coming up, my little owl. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Chris and Xand van Tulleken are telly presenting doctors | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
who are also identical twins. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
They are so alike, they can only tell each other apart | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
by feeling each other's faces. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:09 | |
They present Blow Your Mind and Operation Ouch, | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
where they get up to lots of capers. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
There was the time they were pranked by a naughty skeleton | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
who dyed in their mouths blue. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
The time they spent a holiday in the lab | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
because they used up all their money on a giant graph. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
And the time they finally got the guts to start their own | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
sausage making business. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
It's funny because it's intestine. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
And that's all you need to know about Chris and Xand. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
-Tongs. -Tongs. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
-Tweezers. -Tweezers. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
-Swab. -Swab. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
And there we go. All done. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Thanks for unpacking my weekly shop. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
I don't know why bought all this medical equipment | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
and a faulty oven timer. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
-I suppose this means your ap-pun-dicitis is all better. -Yes! | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
And to prove it I've got plenty more horrific jokes in store. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
Larry! Show 'em. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
Nurse! The screens! Ha-ha. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
Stay tuned to this medical edition of Hacker Time. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
Coming up. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
This guy. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:08 | |
-This guy. -Oh, he's learning to hate. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
And this guy. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
Where do you want this wall bracket going, then? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
All this and more on Hacker Time. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:21 | |
What a stunning display of mediocrity there. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
Don't you think so, cockers? | 0:05:24 | 0:05:25 | |
Time for your big interview. Question one. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
Speaking as doctors, what's your favourite type of music? | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
-Piano music. -I like flute music. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
Oh, hang on a minute. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:35 | |
I meant what's your favourite type of mucus. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
CHRIS AND XAND LAUGH | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
I prefer bright green with an occasional fleck of brown. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
Ew. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:44 | |
Right, now. While you're here, you couldn't give me some advice, could you? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
I've got a problem with my liver. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Oh, no. What is it? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Should I cook it with leeks or onions? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
DRUMROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH | 0:05:53 | 0:05:54 | |
Seriously, though, | 0:05:54 | 0:05:55 | |
-I do have a problem with my kidneys. -Your kidneys? What is it? | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
Should I cook them with leeks or onions? Eh? | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
-In all seriousness, I do have a problem with my ribs. -Right. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
-Should you cook it with leek or onions? -No. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
I actually have a pain in my ribs. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
I think it's from eating all that misleading offal. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
Talking of medical things. Wilf's just had a hip replacement. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Yes, we've sacked him and replaced him with a hip. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
To be fair, that hip's got more work done than I ever could. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
Where do you want this wall bracket going, then? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
-Just keep hold of it, mate. -OK. -Yeah. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
What I want to know is, who is the evil twin? | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
I am. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
Ooh! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
-How evil are you? -He's pretty bad. -Quite evil. -Evil. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
Say seven and a half out of ten. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
That's pretty evil, folks, if you are watching. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Lolly? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
I don't know what you're talking about, Derek. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
Shall we hear some fascinating medical facts? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Yeah, that would be great. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
OK, but before we do, why don't you have a glass of water? | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
-You both like parched. -That's very nice. -All right. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
Larry, what's the first fact? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Your feet produce more than one pint of sweat a day. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
Ooh, Herman. That water was from the tap, wasn't it? | 0:07:14 | 0:07:18 | |
Oh, yes, Mr Hacker. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
My tap SHOE, that is. Heh-heh. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
Ha-ha. Just kidding, cocker. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
Next fact, please, Larry. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
You get a new stomach lining every three to four days. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:34 | |
Oh, is that right? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
Yes, that is true. That is true. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:37 | |
No, it's wrong. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
I've been waiting five days for mine. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
That's the last time I order anything over the internet. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
Next fact. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
Everyone has their own particular smell, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
except for identical twins. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
He's right. You do both smell the same. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
Terrible. Ha-ha. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
Ha-ha. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
-Where do you want the wall bracket going? -Just keep hold of it. I've said. -Oh. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
Brilliant. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:05 | |
We couldn't have ended this interview with a better punchline. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:09 | |
-DOORBELL RINGS -Stomach lining delivery | 0:08:09 | 0:08:10 | |
-for Mr T DOG. -Oh! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Larry. Cut to summat else. It's gone everywhere. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:17 | |
Put on your dancing shoes because it's time for The Next Step But One. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:22 | |
Let's do this, people! | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
I've been dancing since I was three years old. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
Achieving is all I know. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
Oh, he's awesome to the power of ten. Sigh. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:40 | |
I've been dancing since I was three months old. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
Stardom is in my blood. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Her flexibility is off the scale. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
Well, I've been dancing longer than the lot of them. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
I was an odd child. Ho, ho. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
# We'll show the world our moves | 0:09:04 | 0:09:11 | |
# It's gonna, it's gonna | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
# It's gonna be our chance | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
# It's gonna be our chance | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
# But none of us can dance | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
# But none of us can dance. # | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
So, it's the day of the audition | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
and I'm giving everyone some helpful words of encouragement. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Out of my way, losers. I'm the best one round here. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:41 | |
That's why I'm in A Troupe. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
You're not in A Troupe. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:44 | |
You're just in a troupe. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:45 | |
-So. -It's Z Troupe. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
Is it now? | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Get out of my sight. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:52 | |
Er, hm. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
My main reason for coming here, | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
I get to see Emma-Lee every day. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
She's the sunshine in my otherwise wretched life. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
Hey, Emma-Lee, | 0:10:10 | 0:10:11 | |
would you like to grab a juice with me after rehearsals? | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
I'd rather be sick out of my own eyes. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
Some other time then? | 0:10:18 | 0:10:19 | |
Yeah, sure, yeah. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
Half past never! | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
Well, she didn't rule it out. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
Dolphin tale! | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
THEY ALL SQUEAK LIKE DOLPHINS | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
Now we've all done that for no reason whatsoever, | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
let's start the auditions. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
The great thing is, there are 12 places in Z Troupe | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
and only 12 of us auditioning. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
So we are all going to get a place. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Unless, of course, somebody brilliant walks through the door, | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
but that's not going to happen. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
So this girl suddenly walks through the door. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
She tells us her name is Rochelle, she's from Wisconsin | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
and she'd like to audition. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
My name's Rochelle. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
I'm from Wisconsin | 0:11:13 | 0:11:14 | |
and I'd like to audition. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
After I told them my name's Rochelle, I'm from Wisconsin | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
and I'd like to audition, they couldn't have been more welcoming. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
You | 0:11:23 | 0:11:24 | |
are | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
gonna | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
fail. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
ROCHELLE LAUGHS | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Your breath smells of butterflies and rainbows. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:36 | |
Right, Rochelle, let's see what you've got. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
This is going to be hilarious. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
Yeah, like, I'd feel sorry for her if her hair wasn't so stupid. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
So the new girl starts to dance. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
And I couldn't believe what I was seeing. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Because it was absolutely gut-wrenchingly, | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
bottom-clenchingly | 0:12:13 | 0:12:14 | |
awful-ly | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
brilliant! | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
So she can dance. How nice for her. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
But can she do this? | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
The results are in. Ho, ho. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
What does it say? | 0:12:36 | 0:12:37 | |
Crystal Palace one, Queens Park Rangers nil. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
-Whoo-hoo! -CHEERS | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
Where is Emma-Lee? | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
It was half past never five minutes ago. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
Congratulations. You've made it into A Troupe. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
A Troupe? The best troupe of all. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
No, it's still just a troupe. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
Z Troupe, then? | 0:12:58 | 0:12:59 | |
No, the toilet cleaning troupe. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
Here you go. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:03 | |
Could this day get any worse? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
Look what I can do. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
Bah! That's my face! I do the face! | 0:13:08 | 0:13:12 | |
By the way, | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
I've just blocked the toilet. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Shall we do what we always do in this part of the show | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
-and watch a poorly-made YouBend video? -Yes. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
Let's have a look at Hacker's Pranks channel. Hoo-hoo. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
All right, cockers. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:27 | |
Today I'm going to hide behind that withered old shrub | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
and scare that old mooey Herman. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
Get behind the shrub like that. Yes. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
I'll wait for him to walk past and then jump out and scare him. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
He's going to get the shock of his life. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
Surprise! | 0:13:45 | 0:13:46 | |
I wondered why you'd been hiding down there for the last 47 minutes. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:50 | |
You could see me? | 0:13:50 | 0:13:51 | |
-Yes. -Ah. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
Ha-ha. Best prank ever. Hee-hee. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
Oh, but you wouldn't prank me, though, would you, Lolly? | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Lolly? Lolly! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Doctors Chris and Xand, | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
the human body is a fascinating thing, don't you agree? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Yes, very much so. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:14 | |
Hey, did you know that I once created my own human body | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
out of basic foodstuffs? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
-That sounds very unlikely indeed, Hacker. -Yes, folks. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
It's that time in the series | 0:14:23 | 0:14:24 | |
when I get emotionally attached to an object. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Music, please. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
THUNDER CRASHES | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
# Well, I started with a skeleton made of cheese | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
# Stilton for his skull, red Leicester for his knees | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
# Hands of ham and mainly sausages for his toes | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
# Chipolatas on his feet | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
# I gave the boy a week-old liver | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
# Spaghetti nerve endings to make him shiver | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
# A scrambled egg brain and a Jerusalem artichoke nose | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
# Well, you wouldn't use a globe one, would you, mate? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
# A black pudding for his heart | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
-# Spinach hair -# How very smart | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
# A sprouty bottom meant that he could... | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
# Pass wind in a very polite and delicate manner | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
# I gave that boy the gift of life | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
# But it all just turned to strife | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
# When he went on a rampage in a quest for world domination | 0:15:06 | 0:15:12 | |
# Now he's on the loose and society is at risk | 0:15:12 | 0:15:17 | |
# I said, he's on the loose and society is at risk | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
# Oh, society is at risk, yeah. # | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
Oh, wasn't that a lovely story? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
Was it? I mean, you said that society was at risk. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:33 | |
# Oh-oh, yeah. # | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
Oh, no, look. Oh, he's learning to hate. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
Larry! | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Do summat. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:42 | |
Thanks, Hacker. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
FOOD MAN MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
Well, they say laughter is the best medicine, | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
so get ready to be very, very ill. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
Still to come on Hacker Time. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
Chris and Xand find out what's for dinner. | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
There's a lot at STEAK in the catering van. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
And take your steak with you! | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
And Hacker realises he smells like a gibbon's armpit. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
Ooh, yeah. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
HACKER SNIFFS | 0:16:12 | 0:16:13 | |
Oh, fiddlesticks! | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
All this and more on Hacker Time! | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
Well, that food-human won't be bothering us again. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
And wasn't it nice of him to leave us this lovely picnic? | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
Mm. Delicious. Very nice. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Now there's something I've always wanted to know about you two. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
Something that will change the way I look at life forever. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
-What I want to know is... -BELL RINGS | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
Ooh, lunch. Hey-hey! I haven't eaten for seconds. See ya! | 0:16:33 | 0:16:37 | |
I hope it's a gingham tablecloth. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Do you think they're coming back? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
Enjoy your Chateaubriand and chips. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
Thank you. Come on, darling. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
So, Wilf, | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
are you going to take me out for a romantic meal today? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:03 | |
Today? What's so special about today? | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
It's our 50th anniversary. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
Have you forgotten? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:10 | |
Erm, oh, of course not, no. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
That's why I bought you this, er, | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
invisible box of chocolates. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
That's it! | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
I'm not talking to you any more. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
Hello. Can I order some food, please? | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
-Tell him what you want. -Oh. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
I'd like the fillet steak, please. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
Tell her to pass me the steak. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
Tell him the steak is next to the stove. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
Well, tell her I need some lard to fry it with. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
Tell him he's got enough lard right between his ears. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:46 | |
Well, tell her she's got a hideous face, | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
unmanageable hair | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
and she stinks like a gibbon's armpit. Hip-hip. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
Well, tell her. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
-Do I have to? -Yes! | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
You've got a hideous face, | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
unmanageable hair | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
and you stink like a gibbon's armpit. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
How dare you speak to my wife like that? | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
Get out! | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
And take your steak with you! | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Oh! | 0:18:14 | 0:18:15 | |
Oh, Wilf. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
How could I stay mad at you? | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
Never mind that. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:24 | |
How could I forget our 50th wedding anniversary? | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
Oh, it wasn't our 50th wedding anniversary. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
It was the 50th anniversary of the day I bought that steak. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:35 | |
Oh. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
You think more of the steak than you do me, don't you? | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
I'll fire up the van. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
Hip-hip. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:42 | |
And now, Hacker Time proudly presents Operation Pooch. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:49 | |
So, what you think, doctors? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Well, I think it's the most hideous boil I've ever seen in my life. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
It's oozing pus and it smells disgusting. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:02 | |
What boil? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:03 | |
I just wanted you to take a look at my foot. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:08 | |
Oh, I'm leaving. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
-Well, that's all our patients seen for the day. -Yes. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Yes, it is. Unless some fool comes in with a daft medical emergency. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:18 | |
Help, help, help! I've got a pain in my neck. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
-Really? -Yes, a window pane. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
I'm stuck in my uPVC. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
-Do you have a real problem? -Yes. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
I must be seeing double. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
No, there are two of us, Hacker. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
-I know. I'm seeing four of you. -Really? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
No, I just can't count, cocker. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Look, is there actually anything wrong with you at all? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
Doctor, doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
I'd heard this one before. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:44 | |
Pull yourself together. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:45 | |
Now, I could really do with a new pair of curtains to spruce up | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
this stark window frame. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
THE DOCTORS SIGH | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
Seriously, though, | 0:19:51 | 0:19:52 | |
-I think I need to give you a wee sample. -Pardon? -Pardon? | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
Yes, a wee sample of curtain material. Yay-hey. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
-Which do you think will match the sofa? -Look, what is wrong with you? | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
The truth is I've caught a nasty bug. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
Uh! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:07 | |
Yeah, look, I've caught him. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
That's stopped you from going around and around, hasn't it, eh? | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
-Get out of my sight. -I'm starting to lose my patience. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
Oh, you should lock the waiting room doors then, shouldn't you? | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
Right, that's enough. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:19 | |
-Get out. -All right. Calm down, the four of you, will you? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
Can't you see I've got a terrible illness? | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
Yes. Six down, 16 letters. A terrible illness. What could it be? | 0:20:25 | 0:20:29 | |
-Look, what do you want from us? -The answer to this. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:33 | |
Oh, it's very embarrassing, | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
but I need you to put some cream on these. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
THEY GASP | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
These strawberries down here. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
Hacker, those aren't strawberries. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
-They're raspberries. -Ooh. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
But I'm afraid you do have piles. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
And piles of them. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
Ooh, that's good, isn't it? | 0:20:50 | 0:20:51 | |
Wait a minute, I think I can see what the problem is. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
Are you sure, because my handwriting isn't that good? | 0:20:54 | 0:20:57 | |
Look, it's obvious from all these terrible jokes | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
that your ap-pun-dicitis has come back. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
And this time, it's catching. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
What can you do for me? | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
-Well, we can start by cutting that off. -Ooh! | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
That's the edge of this curtain swatch. Look how frayed it is. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:19 | |
But we will have to take you to the theatre. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
Cats or Les Mis? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
Oh, docs, please tell me, how long have I got? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:28 | |
I'd say about five seconds. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
Before you get exhausted from gasping so much. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
Are you sure I haven't got anything more serious? | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
That's it. Chronic bottom rot. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
Not that. Anything but that. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
Yes, six down, 16 letters, chronic bottom rot. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
Oh, yeah. Thanks, guys. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
You do also actually have chronic bottom rot. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
Oh, no! | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
HACKER BREAKS WIND | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
Ooh, there's the start of it. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
HACKER BREAKS WIND | 0:22:01 | 0:22:02 | |
It's time for school, | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
but don't worry, | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
you won't be learning anything. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
It's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:22:10 | 0:22:11 | |
OK, class, a tough one today. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
Who can tell me | 0:22:14 | 0:22:15 | |
in which year did Edmund Cartwright invent the power loom? | 0:22:15 | 0:22:20 | |
Anyone? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:21 | |
Rina. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:22 | |
FLIES BUZZ | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
Ah! What's that putrid stench? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
I've no idea what you are talking about. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
Dex, you smell like a badger's bonnet. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
I know. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:35 | |
# Got a problem, I can't have a shower | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
# The plumber's busy and I've got no power | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
# Been calling him up for days and days | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
# My armpits are smelling in so many different ways | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
# Dex, get away from me, you're smelling of cheese | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
# Your odour di-gross-ious, get away me fleas | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
# I can't even look at you, your hair's glowing green | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
# Pull yourself together, man, and have a good clean | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
# Easier said than done, my friend | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
# The plumber's gone awry | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
# He made me use the U-bend | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
# Will I ever be clean | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
# I'm losing hope | 0:23:03 | 0:23:04 | |
# You seriously need to use some soap | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
# Oh, I'm so smelly | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
# And I don't know what to do | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
# Have a wash, apply antiperspirant | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
# Oh, he's so smelly | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
# Like a withered old brown | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
# Shoe. # | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
Hang on a second, Josh. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
Don't we share a bathroom? | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
You haven't had a shower either. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
Oh, yeah! | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
SNIFFS | 0:23:32 | 0:23:33 | |
Oh, fiddlesticks! Oh! | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
hold on to your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:44 | |
The quiz that we like to call... | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
Sit On The Lav-lav And Answer Some Questions. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
Yes, Doctors Chris and Xand. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
The rules of this game are bog-standard. Heh. It's good, that. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
All you have to do is... | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
-How does it feel being sat upon my throne? -Comfortable. -Isn't it? | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
Is it still warm? | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
Oh, a little bit. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:17 | |
The time will end when you hear this sound. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
-Are you ready? -Yes. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
Start the clock. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:26 | |
What are thighs? | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
Bits of your legs. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:30 | |
No, they're the things between th'ears and either side o' th'nose. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
Now, young Herman here has disguised his internal organ | 0:24:34 | 0:24:37 | |
as a famous character, | 0:24:37 | 0:24:38 | |
but tell us who's that offal to you? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
-A pirate of some kind? -No. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
It's Lung John Silver. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
The legendary pirate lung. Yes. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
Hey, Herman, if you clean that up, | 0:24:48 | 0:24:49 | |
you might be able to get a bit of money back at the butchers. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
Off you pop, cocker. A what a day keeps the doctor away? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
-Apple. -Apple. -No. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
It's a feral hamster. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
And now for a bit of music. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:00 | |
Please welcome my chum and yours, the Big Ag, Acky G! | 0:25:00 | 0:25:05 | |
# It's Accordion George, Acky G. # | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
George, George, the big George. Yes. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
Acky G is about to play you a fantastic tune | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
on his top-notch acc and you must guess what he's playing. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
Take it away, the Big G. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
Well, lads, you've got very little chance of getting this | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
cos he was rubbish. You were rubbish then George. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
What was he playing, cockers? | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
-No idea at all. -You've no idea at all. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
Well, let's find out if you are right. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
# Let it go, let it go... # | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
Give us a dance, George. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
# Can't hold it back any more | 0:25:50 | 0:25:51 | |
# Let it go, let it go. # | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
It was Let It Go from Frozen. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
Acky G, you should let that accordion go. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
You can't play it. You're rubbish. Now, go away! | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
Go on, out of my sight and take your stool with you. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
What a man. What a man. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Right. Complete this programme title. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
-Blow Your... -BOTH: Mind. -Nil! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
Blow your nose. It's a disgrace. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
-Name a blood type. -A. -B. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
I would've said red, but I would have accepted wet. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
LOLLY LAUGHS MANIACALLY | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
Time's up. That means you have won today's star prize. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
A cheque-book from the 1980s. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
These cheques are no longer accepted as legal currency. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
What you think about that, cockers? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
-It's a bit rubbish. -Not the best prize. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
It is of it, isn't it? | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
Well the prizes don't stop there, me old cocker | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
because you've also won a holiday. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
Ooh, where? | 0:26:41 | 0:26:42 | |
To the sewers beneath this very studio. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
Any last words before you go? | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
-What? -Now, hang on. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
Herman, flush them away. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
-Aaargh! -Aaargh! | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
What a lovely quartet of doctors they were. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
That's almost it for today. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:58 | |
I'm off to buy a length of plywood from an online auction site. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
But first there is the small matter of my song. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
Join in, cockers! | 0:27:05 | 0:27:06 | |
# That is it for now The end of the show | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
# It's been amazing, we've been larking around | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
# The whole programme cost just under a pound | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
# Watch again next time cos we've got much more | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
# Chris and Xand popped in today | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
# The banter was simply stunning | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
# Until we all got very ill | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
# With a serious case of dreadfully atrocious punning | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
# That is it for now The end of the show | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. # | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
Where do you want this wall bracket, then? | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 |