Ellie Simmonds Hacker Time

Hacker Time does not count as one of your five LOLs a day.

Wilf! Wilf, will you stop doing DIY?

It causes nothing but trouble.

You don't know a wing nut from a pistachio nut.

Oh, but I've got this new book here.

It's written for people just like me.

But you're terrible at DIY.

Look at the state of that chair you made.

Oh!

If you're so good at home repairs,

what about that big "leak" under the sink?

I don't know how that got under there.

For some reason, it's really wet though.

I hope you haven't done anything else around the house, Wilf.

Oh, well, I've installed a new shower.

Well, at least that's useful.

And to save on water, I've plumbed it directly into the toilet.

-Oh! So that explains the smell.

-TOILET FLUSHES

It's disgusting. Oh, dear.

You all right, cockers?

Oh, Hacker, I might have known it was you.

Why did you take a shower?

Shower? Not I, me old cocksparrow.

This is my natural musk.

# You gotta watch this... #

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is a show Ha! You can't touch

-# Stop!

-Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone.

We are on air in five...

four...

three...two...one.

Cue Larry...

Stand by your bellies, everyone,

because we have incoming laughter

with Hacker D Dog.

You all right there, cockers?

Today's show is all about sport,

so I thought I would work up a reet old sweat.

HE SNIFFS

Oh, the humanity!

Eurgh!

Let's meet today's guest, who is a sporting superstar just like me.

On me head, son.

Wahey!

15.6 points to me.

Go, sport!

HE SINGS

Ah, lovely day for it.

Hello, I'm Ellie Simmonds.

I'm a swimmer and I'm here to film a very serious sports show.

This way, my dear. We just need to get you an up-to-date pass

-so get in the booth.

-Really? I've already got a pass.

-One's never enough, love, is it?

-OK, OK.

-Get in there and shut the curtains.

-OK, OK.

-Shut them.

Doors! Shut the doors.

ALARM BLARES AND ELLIE SCREAMS

-Down!

-HE CACKLES

SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, come on.

-HE WHISTLES

Oh, no! SHE SCREAMS

Please welcome a superstar of the swimming world,

Paralympic gold medallist,

Ellie Simmonds!

Welcome, Ellie Simmonds, to my top-drawer, humble programme.

What is that smell?

That's me.

It's my sporty aroma.

It shows that I'm serious about sport.

I think I might have to leave.

Oh, oh! But if you stay,

I promise to have a shower.

-OK, then.

-A-ha!

The joke's on you because, as already discussed,

Wilf has plumbed the shower directly into the toilet.

If anything, my odour will worsen, madam.

Oh, no. I'm not looking forward to that smell.

It's wretched, isn't it?

But you've no choice, cocker,

you're going to endure it.

Derek, the fact file.

Yes, Hacker.

Eleanor May Simmonds is a British Paralympian swimmer.

She's pretty quick, even when she forgets her goggles.

When she was just 13, she won two golds at the Beijing Paralympics -

and another two at London 2012.

Here's her freestyle dance move - that's a bronze at best.

She also won Young Sports Personality Of The Year in 2008.

Her pop music career never took off.

That traffic cone didn't like it.

And that's all you need to know about Paralympian gold medallist

Ellie Simmonds.

Ooh, for someone so young, you've not achieved much, have you?

Thank you very much for that(!)

Very nice of you.

It's what I do. I mean, I'm six and I've got my own talk show.

Hashtag just saying.

Larry, pump some air into this flat balloon of a show, will you?

Oh, it's reet on the wane.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a slam-dunking,

home-running,

hole-in-one-ing experience.

Here's what's coming up...

More arms than you can shake a stick at,

Hacker tries his hand at snake charming

and has a very bad hair day.

All this still to come on Hacker Time.

Now, Ellie, every time I go to the pool,

they're so keen on the rules, aren't they?

No diving, no running...

Have you ever broken the rules?

No, not really. I think it's just you who's breaking all these rules.

No, it's not just me, you know,

cos Wilf once took a "leak" in the shallow end.

Right, let's push off slowly from the side.

Deep breath now, be brave.

Oh! I'm doing it, Wilf, I'm doing it.

Well done.

Ellie, talk me through your swimming essentials.

Oh, I need a costume, a towel,

I need swimming goggles

and I also need a swimming cap.

Oh, wait, I had a swimming cap once too.

-Did you?

-Yeah, look.

Cynthia, Cynthia... Come back.

Oh, she's gone.

Oh, anyway...

Let's take a look at some pictures.

Remember that time that you and Rebecca Adlington

got photobombed by a ghetto blaster?

Oh, yeah, we were having a great dance then, though.

-That was so much fun.

-It looks like fun.

Remember that time when you put a frog on your head

to be more at one with the aquatic environment?

-Oh, funny joke, that.

-Thank you.

I've got a serious question now -

when you first started swimming,

did you use a float?

Oh, yes, I did.

Me too. I started swimming with a milk float.

I don't know how I drove it underwater,

but it was very dangerous

with that electric motor.

Yes. Oh! Stop it, madam. Yes.

Ellie, have ye ever played water polo?

-No, I haven't.

-Me neither, I know what you mean.

It's reet hard to find a horse that will wear a snorkel.

SHE GIGGLES

Now, you were the youngest ever recipient of an MBE -

and you also got an OBE.

What does that mean?

So, it's an honour from Her Majesty, the Queen.

Hmm. Well, I've got an OBOE...

An oboe.

HE PLAYS OBOE

Well, that was easy.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Ellie, what's your favourite stroke?

Is it butterfly?

No, my favourite stroke is...

front crawl.

Cos I like stroking butterflies. Look.

Well, it's not really that. That doesn't...

Yeah, don't do any of that.

-You don't?

-No.

All right, well, get out then.

I also like backstroke.

Herman!

Oh, oh, oh. Yes, Mr Hacker?

Stroke my back.

-Oh...

-Yeah? Yeah?

-Up a bit.

-Yeah?

Left a bit.

Oh, that'll do, Herman.

-I've got a show to do now. Be gone with you.

-Oh. sorry.

-And go and give that a quick rinse, will you?

-Bye, Ellie.

Now, Ellie, do you like cricket?

It's all right, yeah. It's OK.

Only all right? Cos I really like cricket.

I mean, I love cricket.

Look, here's one now.

Are you all right, my little cricket chum?

I call him Beefy Botham.

All right, Beefy?

Give him a little stroke. He's nice.

No! Don't touch him! No, not his face.

Get out of it.

Off you go, Beefy.

Now, what do you think of armbands?

Oh, I think they are very good for when you start swimming.

Well, I've got an armband...

And here they are!

# Oh, Cecilia

# I'm down on my knees

# I'm begging you, please to come home... #

Come home, baby, come home.

Yes. Cecilia.

Lovely job, guys. Now get out!

You've been listening to my unendingly stupid questions

for five minutes. You must be tired.

To be honest, I am pretty tired of you, yeah.

Cheek of it!

You try and give a young person a break

and they speak to you like that.

I can't believe it.

I wouldn't get this sort of cheek out of that cricket from earlier.

Larry, get me away from this ingrate.

I'm livid.

-CRICKET SQUEAKS

-Get out, Beefy.

Put on your dancing shoes,

because it's time for The Next Step But One.

Right, it's time to choose a new dance captain.

Move aside! I've got this in the bag.

She's right...

THEY GASP

And in other news, I'm going to be dance captain yet again!

Actually, I'd like to try out for it.

What is the meaning of this?

This - a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing

close at hand or being identified or experienced.

Thank you, cos I didn't know.

# We'll show the world our moves

# It's gonna...

# It's gonna...

# It's gonna be our chance

# It's gonna be our chance

# But none of us can dance

# But none of us can dance. #

So, Rochelle wants to be dance captain.

Who does she think she is?!

Fortunately, I'm handling the whole situation

with quiet strength and dignity.

I'm livid about it!

I should be captain, not any of you lot.

I hate all of you. Especially you!

I can't believe what I'm witnessing.

I'd never seen such quiet strength

and dignity.

Ah, come here!

There's only one thing for it.

Emily, Rochelle,

you'll have to go head-to-head.

You'll never be captain.

I've definitely got it in the bag.

She's right again.

# Another one bites the dust. #

The first thing the girls have to do

is pick their teams for the dance-off.

Emily, have you finished picking yours yet?

Nearly, but I've got a reet stubborn crow up here,

a right crisp one.

Yeah, but what about your team?

I think they are having the same problems, cocker. Look...

So, I finally get my team together

and I make sure we bond straight away.

OK, everyone. Hands in the centre...

# Today this could be

# The greatest day of... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

When choreographing a routine,

it's important to keep checking if people are good.

Hey, team, are we good?

ALL: We're good!

I said, are we good?!

ALL: We're good!

Good. Lolly, are you good?

-I'm good.

-Good.

-Turquoise cat-thing, are you good?

-I'm good.

-Good!

Strange-looking woman, are you good?

-I'm good.

-Good.

Oh, Lolly, remind me again, were you good?

-Yeah, like, I was good.

-Good.

Strange-looking woman, are you good?

I'm good, yes...

So, just to be clear, we're all good.

-Yeah, yeah.

-We're still good.

-Good.

-Emily, can we go home now?

It's like 21.30.

Half-past nine isn't that late...

No, no, no. It's the year 2130.

You've had us, like, dancing for over a century.

I think I might be dying.

Oh, get over it.

Oh, Emily. I'd do anything for you.

In that case, you must sabotage Rochelle's routine -

but, whatever you do, don't let the cat out of the bag.

Don't worry, I won't.

OK. One-two, one-two-three-four.

That was utterly...

brilliant.

-You mean, I got the job?

-No, no.

I'm afraid you all missed the deadline by 115 years,

so we had to make someone else dance captain.

Arr, shuffle hop ball change, landlubbers.

NAUTICAL MELODY PLAYS

I can't believe we spent a whole episode

setting up that weak and laboured punchline.

Well, that's not all -

someone let the cat out of the bag.

There it goes.

Impressive, isn't it?

I just can't stand this show sometimes.

Have you seen anything good on YouBend recently, Derek?

Have I? Hoo-hoo!

I watched the most hilarious vlog ever last night.

Really? Whose vlog is it?

It's by the most interesting and exciting man I've ever seen.

Oh, OK then, let's watch it.

Hoo-hoo!

Welcome to Wilf's World Of Woodwork Wonders.

Sorry I've not posted in a while...

Well, since about half an hour ago.

I've been busy measuring up panels

and counting out half-inch nails.

Anyway, today we're talking about staining fences.

Step one, make sure your fence is firmly secured

and definitely won't fall on you,

resulting in a comedic injury.

And step two... HE SCREAMS

I've stained my trousers.

I don't believe it.

That was absolutely brilliant!

Oh, he's hilarious.

He totally nailed it.

He didn't nail it, that's why it fell on him.

There's no need for that, Derek.

Ooh, don't take of-fence!

Hoo-hoo!

(Pathetic.)

Ellie, why is it that footballers are not allowed to dive?

Because there's no water.

Hmm. But diving is a sport as well, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah. Yes, it is.

-A-ha! Checkmate.

Because when I go down the swimming baths,

there's a big sign saying, "No diving."

So, you can't even dive there and it's a sport.

I don't get it.

I think you've got a bit confused there.

No, I didn't.

It's all a load of old nonsense, sport.

-That's what it is.

-Oh, no, it's not.

I think you'll find that's where you're wrong, my dear.

# I can't find a thing to do

# I'm so very bored

# I tried asking Ellie here

# She said to do some sport

# Physical activity I'm not that keen at all

# I've got better things to do than chase after balls

# I'm fed up with Federer

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

# Rooney could do betterer

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

# What on earth's a pommel horse?

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

# Golf's more dull than ancient Norse

# No more sport

# Ellie tried to make me see

# Sport can make you fit

# But I'd rather lie in bed

# Than put on my kit

# Getting sweaty isn't fun

# Jogging's not my taste

# If I want a beach body

# I'll cut down on my paste

# I would rather collect gnomes...

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

# ..Than go to the velodrome

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

# You're a fool if you can't see

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

# Sports will never interest me

# No

# More

# Sport

# Except snooker

# Oh, snooker, yes! #

Oh, look, she's clapping.

It's a pity clap, but I'll still take it, cocker.

I will say this, Ellie, lawn bowls is actually quite fun to watch -

I don't mind saying that.

Oh, that's something.

So, did you like it when I got the gold medal?

Oh, yes, and it was brilliant when you beat your own world record.

-So you do like sport then?

-Never!

But, yes, I secretly do.

No, no, sport's not my thing, no.

I love the sport.

Oh, I can't bear the sport.

Oh, the sport - I love it. I love sport!

No, you don't, you hate it.

No, I love it.

Oh, Ellie. Ellie, I'm confused.

Ellie... I don't know what to do.

Larry, Larry, what's coming up?

I don't understand it.

Badminton, I don't think so.

Croquet, ooh!

It's a little-known fact that I was All-American champion

in the grand old sport of introducing...

back in California.

Now, what's coming up next?

Oh, yeah! This.

Coming up on Hacker Time,

Hacker reveals his favourite word...

Bull's-eye!

Hacker replaces his favourite word with a new favourite word...

-Coriolanus!

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

And Wilf gets the boot at long last.

Nutrition's important for a sportsperson, isn't it, Ellie?

Oh, yeah, very.

It's important for a chat show host too, you know, cocker.

Got to keep your strength up for this high-end banter.

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, dinner's up.

I better go and get a move on,

I need to take a "leak".

Come on, you. I need to go to the lavatory first.

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha.

Oh, wait for me!

What about me?

LEEK SCREAMS

Wilf, we need to be more eco-friendly.

We'll cut down on costs and save the Earth to boot.

Oh, good. I like boots,

I've just got a new pair myself.

I've got this guide -

Go Green And Stay Lean.

I'm lean and green.

Not you. I'm talking about saving money.

Although, stick around,

I might have a role for you later on...

A "casserole", that is!

Right, got to go. Bye.

It says here we need a smaller carbon footprint.

Well, I could stop wearing smaller carbon boots,

but I've only just got these.

Apparently our food needs to be responsibly sourced.

I'm very responsible with the sauce.

My portions of ketchup are very frugal.

We also need to recycle more.

We do recycle.

90% of the jokes in this sketch are recycled.

Including that one.

Most importantly, we need to stop using so much power.

Electric, petrol...

-It's all got to go.

-OK, my love.

But now we can't cook anything.

I'll fire up the van.

Oh, Wilf!

BELL RINGS

HE BURPS

Hacker Time is proud to present...

Simmonds' Secrets To Sporting Success.

First things first, get a coach...

-One step ahead of you there, cocker.

-HORN BLARES

It's a 56-seater, all fitted with seatbelts.

..and remember to train regularly.

Whoa. Why do I need a train when I've got a coach?

But, at first, it's best to build up your stamina -

so don't do anything too taxing.

Did somebody say taxi?

Oh, that's my cab to take me to the train station.

I've got a coach to catch. Ha-ha!

You've got to choose your sport carefully,

according to your own strengths.

Well, I can't grip anything with these little paws -

so that rules out darts...

Good, what else?

..and I can't count, so that rules out darts.

It might be more useful to think of things you CAN do.

My paw/eye coordination is well off, so that rules out darts.

I think all that tells us something.

It does indeed, cocker.

Stop going on about darts, Ellie Simmonds.

Darts, darts, darts - I'm bored of it.

Well, if anyone is entitled to be bored of darts around here,

it's me.

Bull's-eye!

To help with nutrition and energy, try to keep a food diary.

I do that, yeah. I keep the leek's diary.

Look, I'll read you an excerpt.

"Monday, Wilf took me to the pool

"and I disgraced myself again -

"when will I learn?" Ha-ha.

"Wednesday, how am I even writing this? I'm a leek."

Fair point.

My last tip is the most important.

Always remember, never give up.

Oh, I give up.

What do you mean?

I mean, I give up giving up.

So you don't give up?

-That's the spirit.

-Not really, I give up.

-What?

-I give up giving up on giving up.

In other words... I give up.

-Oh, I give up.

-Oh, she's given up.

Oh, my. If you thought that was bad, wait till you see this.

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

BELL RINGS

To be or not to be, that is the question.

No, the question is - why are you talking to a plastic skull?

I'm not talking, Josh. I am acting.

We're doing a play by the great William Shakespeare.

Shakespeare? But he's dull as old pebbledash.

Can we not do Grease?

I'd be an ace Pink Lady.

No, Josh. It's Shakespeare and that is that.

# Talking about a man

# One of life's winners

# More plays and sonnets than you've had hot dinners

# Macbeth, Othello, Midsummer Night's Dream

# He wrote so much that it would make you scream

# I've got no time for that old-fashioned tat

# To be or not to be, Forsooth and all that

# The guy's off his rocker He makes no sense

# I'd rather watch paint dry on my garden fence

# But old Billy S

# Man, what a dude

# He wrote about three witches standing in a brood

# Said that thing about music and food

# And what about Caesar?

# He was no good

# Enough about that rubbish It means nowt to me

# The whole works were surely typed up by a monkey

# Pericles, The Tempest, Richard III

# I'd rather be with Derek spotting boring birds

# Josh, this man, he is our favourite bard

# Wrote nearly 40 plays

# Oh, that must have been hard

# Hamlet, King Lear, The Taming Of The Shrew

# I'd rather stir stilton in my milky brew

# The man is filth

# His words are rotten

# Josh, there's a character and he's called Bottom. #

I love him!

Ha-ha! Great, now that that is settled,

let's start with rehearsals.

-Oh, yes, and what play is it?

-Coriolanus.

I'm sorry to hear that, but let's carry on anyway.

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the greatest quiz of them all,

the part of the show we like to call...

Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

TOILET FLUSHES

Ellie, the rules of this game are bog-standard.

It's still funny that, isn't it? All you have to do is...

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

TOILET FLUSHES

..Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

Hey, hey! How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

-It's actually better than expected.

-Isn't it, cocker?

That's what they all say.

The time will end when you hear this sound...

You don't know your onions like I know my onions.

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

In that case, start the clock.

Tenpin bowling, true or false?

-True.

-I'm afraid you're wrong, the answer was actually Cairo.

-Oh.

Next question, what is the Super Bowl?

-Sport?

-Nope, it's a massive bowl for serving soup in.

It can hold three cans of cream of chicken.

Please welcome my chum and soon-to-be yours.

It's the beloved Acky G!

It's Accordion George, Acky G!

Ack, Ack, Ack, Ack - The Big Juicy G! Yes!

Acky G is going to play a fantastic tune on his favourite ack,

but you must guess what song he's playing.

Take it away, Accordion G!

HE PLAYS UPBEAT SONG

Right, Ellie, you've got very little hope of getting this -

but what was The Big G playing on his favourite juicy ack?

I think I've got this one.

George Ezra - Budapest.

Let's find out if you're right.

# My house in Budapest

# My hidden treasure chest

# Golden grand piano

# My beautiful Castillo

# Oh, you

# Oh, you

# Oh, I'd leave it all... #

Yes, it was Budapest by George Ezra.

I'm not sure how you got it, because you were rubbish there, George.

Have you got jam all down your keys?

Acky G, you are a waste of space -

now, go away.

Go on, out of my sight.

Next question, Ellie.

Are you a good sport?

Yes.

No! You're not a good sport.

You're a person.

You don't know your onions like I know my onions.

Time's up. That means you've won tonight's star prize.

A banana skin!

Skin only, flesh not included.

What do you think about that, cocker? A rancid old fruit husk.

One of the best prizes I have ever had(!)

Yeah, I know. It is a tad underwhelming, that prize, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-But worry ye not, cocker,

because you've also won a day trip for one

to the wastepipes 'neath this very studio.

Have you got any last words before you go?

I'd just like to thank...

DOOR SLAMS

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Herman, flush her away!

Oh, no!

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, what a curious life I lead.

Now, before I go and get some haslet in for my tea,

here's a little song to say ta-ra with.

Join in if you know the words.

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# But watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff

# It will be top drawer

# Ellie Simmonds came along

# Tried to tell me sport was fun

# She gave me a masterclass

# But we found out Beyond a doubt

# That I just can't be made to run

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Anyone fancy a swim?

-SPLASH

-Kaplosh!