Ellie Simmonds Hacker Time


Ellie Simmonds

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog, featuring gold medal-winning Paralympian Ellie Simmonds.


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Transcript


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Hacker Time does not count as one of your five LOLs a day.

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Wilf! Wilf, will you stop doing DIY?

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It causes nothing but trouble.

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You don't know a wing nut from a pistachio nut.

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Oh, but I've got this new book here.

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It's written for people just like me.

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But you're terrible at DIY.

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Look at the state of that chair you made.

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Oh!

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If you're so good at home repairs,

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what about that big "leak" under the sink?

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I don't know how that got under there.

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For some reason, it's really wet though.

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I hope you haven't done anything else around the house, Wilf.

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Oh, well, I've installed a new shower.

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Well, at least that's useful.

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And to save on water, I've plumbed it directly into the toilet.

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-Oh! So that explains the smell.

-TOILET FLUSHES

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It's disgusting. Oh, dear.

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You all right, cockers?

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Oh, Hacker, I might have known it was you.

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Why did you take a shower?

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Shower? Not I, me old cocksparrow.

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This is my natural musk.

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# You gotta watch this... #

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

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# Makes me say Oh, my word!

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# Thank you for watching me

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# It's telly But not what you normally see

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# It feels good And there's out-takes too

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# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

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# So sit back, don't move too much

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# This is a show Ha! You can't touch

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-# Stop!

-Hacker time! #

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Thank you.

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Stand by, everyone.

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We are on air in five...

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four...

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three...two...one.

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Cue Larry...

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Stand by your bellies, everyone,

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because we have incoming laughter

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with Hacker D Dog.

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You all right there, cockers?

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Today's show is all about sport,

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so I thought I would work up a reet old sweat.

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HE SNIFFS

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Oh, the humanity!

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Eurgh!

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Let's meet today's guest, who is a sporting superstar just like me.

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On me head, son.

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Wahey!

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15.6 points to me.

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Go, sport!

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HE SINGS

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Ah, lovely day for it.

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Hello, I'm Ellie Simmonds.

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I'm a swimmer and I'm here to film a very serious sports show.

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This way, my dear. We just need to get you an up-to-date pass

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-so get in the booth.

-Really? I've already got a pass.

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-One's never enough, love, is it?

-OK, OK.

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-Get in there and shut the curtains.

-OK, OK.

-Shut them.

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Doors! Shut the doors.

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ALARM BLARES AND ELLIE SCREAMS

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-Down!

-HE CACKLES

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SHE SCREAMS

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-Oh, come on.

-HE WHISTLES

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Oh, no! SHE SCREAMS

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Please welcome a superstar of the swimming world,

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Paralympic gold medallist,

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Ellie Simmonds!

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Welcome, Ellie Simmonds, to my top-drawer, humble programme.

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What is that smell?

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That's me.

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It's my sporty aroma.

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It shows that I'm serious about sport.

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I think I might have to leave.

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Oh, oh! But if you stay,

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I promise to have a shower.

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-OK, then.

-A-ha!

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The joke's on you because, as already discussed,

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Wilf has plumbed the shower directly into the toilet.

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If anything, my odour will worsen, madam.

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Oh, no. I'm not looking forward to that smell.

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It's wretched, isn't it?

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But you've no choice, cocker,

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you're going to endure it.

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Derek, the fact file.

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Yes, Hacker.

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Eleanor May Simmonds is a British Paralympian swimmer.

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She's pretty quick, even when she forgets her goggles.

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When she was just 13, she won two golds at the Beijing Paralympics -

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and another two at London 2012.

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Here's her freestyle dance move - that's a bronze at best.

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She also won Young Sports Personality Of The Year in 2008.

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Her pop music career never took off.

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That traffic cone didn't like it.

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And that's all you need to know about Paralympian gold medallist

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Ellie Simmonds.

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Ooh, for someone so young, you've not achieved much, have you?

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Thank you very much for that(!)

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Very nice of you.

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It's what I do. I mean, I'm six and I've got my own talk show.

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Hashtag just saying.

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Larry, pump some air into this flat balloon of a show, will you?

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Oh, it's reet on the wane.

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Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a slam-dunking,

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home-running,

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hole-in-one-ing experience.

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Here's what's coming up...

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More arms than you can shake a stick at,

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Hacker tries his hand at snake charming

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and has a very bad hair day.

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All this still to come on Hacker Time.

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Now, Ellie, every time I go to the pool,

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they're so keen on the rules, aren't they?

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No diving, no running...

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Have you ever broken the rules?

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No, not really. I think it's just you who's breaking all these rules.

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No, it's not just me, you know,

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cos Wilf once took a "leak" in the shallow end.

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Right, let's push off slowly from the side.

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Deep breath now, be brave.

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Oh! I'm doing it, Wilf, I'm doing it.

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Well done.

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Ellie, talk me through your swimming essentials.

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Oh, I need a costume, a towel,

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I need swimming goggles

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and I also need a swimming cap.

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Oh, wait, I had a swimming cap once too.

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-Did you?

-Yeah, look.

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Cynthia, Cynthia... Come back.

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Oh, she's gone.

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Oh, anyway...

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Let's take a look at some pictures.

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Remember that time that you and Rebecca Adlington

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got photobombed by a ghetto blaster?

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Oh, yeah, we were having a great dance then, though.

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-That was so much fun.

-It looks like fun.

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Remember that time when you put a frog on your head

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to be more at one with the aquatic environment?

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-Oh, funny joke, that.

-Thank you.

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I've got a serious question now -

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when you first started swimming,

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did you use a float?

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Oh, yes, I did.

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Me too. I started swimming with a milk float.

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I don't know how I drove it underwater,

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but it was very dangerous

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with that electric motor.

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Yes. Oh! Stop it, madam. Yes.

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Ellie, have ye ever played water polo?

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-No, I haven't.

-Me neither, I know what you mean.

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It's reet hard to find a horse that will wear a snorkel.

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SHE GIGGLES

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Now, you were the youngest ever recipient of an MBE -

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and you also got an OBE.

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What does that mean?

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So, it's an honour from Her Majesty, the Queen.

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Hmm. Well, I've got an OBOE...

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An oboe.

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HE PLAYS OBOE

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Well, that was easy.

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I don't know what all the fuss is about.

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Ellie, what's your favourite stroke?

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Is it butterfly?

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No, my favourite stroke is...

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front crawl.

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Cos I like stroking butterflies. Look.

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Well, it's not really that. That doesn't...

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Yeah, don't do any of that.

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-You don't?

-No.

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All right, well, get out then.

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I also like backstroke.

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Herman!

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Oh, oh, oh. Yes, Mr Hacker?

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Stroke my back.

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-Oh...

-Yeah? Yeah?

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-Up a bit.

-Yeah?

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Left a bit.

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Oh, that'll do, Herman.

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-I've got a show to do now. Be gone with you.

-Oh. sorry.

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-And go and give that a quick rinse, will you?

-Bye, Ellie.

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Now, Ellie, do you like cricket?

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It's all right, yeah. It's OK.

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Only all right? Cos I really like cricket.

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I mean, I love cricket.

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Look, here's one now.

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Are you all right, my little cricket chum?

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I call him Beefy Botham.

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All right, Beefy?

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Give him a little stroke. He's nice.

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No! Don't touch him! No, not his face.

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Get out of it.

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Off you go, Beefy.

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Now, what do you think of armbands?

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Oh, I think they are very good for when you start swimming.

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Well, I've got an armband...

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And here they are!

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# Oh, Cecilia

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# I'm down on my knees

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# I'm begging you, please to come home... #

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Come home, baby, come home.

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Yes. Cecilia.

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Lovely job, guys. Now get out!

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You've been listening to my unendingly stupid questions

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for five minutes. You must be tired.

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To be honest, I am pretty tired of you, yeah.

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Cheek of it!

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You try and give a young person a break

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and they speak to you like that.

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I can't believe it.

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I wouldn't get this sort of cheek out of that cricket from earlier.

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Larry, get me away from this ingrate.

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I'm livid.

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-CRICKET SQUEAKS

-Get out, Beefy.

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Put on your dancing shoes,

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because it's time for The Next Step But One.

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Right, it's time to choose a new dance captain.

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Move aside! I've got this in the bag.

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She's right...

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THEY GASP

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And in other news, I'm going to be dance captain yet again!

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Actually, I'd like to try out for it.

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What is the meaning of this?

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This - a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing

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close at hand or being identified or experienced.

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Thank you, cos I didn't know.

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# We'll show the world our moves

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# It's gonna...

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# It's gonna...

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# It's gonna be our chance

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# It's gonna be our chance

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# But none of us can dance

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# But none of us can dance. #

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So, Rochelle wants to be dance captain.

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Who does she think she is?!

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Fortunately, I'm handling the whole situation

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with quiet strength and dignity.

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I'm livid about it!

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I should be captain, not any of you lot.

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I hate all of you. Especially you!

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I can't believe what I'm witnessing.

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I'd never seen such quiet strength

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and dignity.

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Ah, come here!

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There's only one thing for it.

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Emily, Rochelle,

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you'll have to go head-to-head.

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You'll never be captain.

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I've definitely got it in the bag.

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She's right again.

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# Another one bites the dust. #

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The first thing the girls have to do

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is pick their teams for the dance-off.

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Emily, have you finished picking yours yet?

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Nearly, but I've got a reet stubborn crow up here,

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a right crisp one.

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Yeah, but what about your team?

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I think they are having the same problems, cocker. Look...

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So, I finally get my team together

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and I make sure we bond straight away.

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OK, everyone. Hands in the centre...

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# Today this could be

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# The greatest day of... #

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MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

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When choreographing a routine,

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it's important to keep checking if people are good.

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Hey, team, are we good?

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ALL: We're good!

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I said, are we good?!

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ALL: We're good!

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Good. Lolly, are you good?

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-I'm good.

-Good.

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-Turquoise cat-thing, are you good?

-I'm good.

-Good!

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Strange-looking woman, are you good?

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-I'm good.

-Good.

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Oh, Lolly, remind me again, were you good?

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-Yeah, like, I was good.

-Good.

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Strange-looking woman, are you good?

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I'm good, yes...

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So, just to be clear, we're all good.

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-Yeah, yeah.

-We're still good.

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-Good.

-Emily, can we go home now?

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It's like 21.30.

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Half-past nine isn't that late...

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No, no, no. It's the year 2130.

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You've had us, like, dancing for over a century.

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I think I might be dying.

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Oh, get over it.

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Oh, Emily. I'd do anything for you.

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In that case, you must sabotage Rochelle's routine -

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but, whatever you do, don't let the cat out of the bag.

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Don't worry, I won't.

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OK. One-two, one-two-three-four.

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That was utterly...

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brilliant.

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-You mean, I got the job?

-No, no.

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I'm afraid you all missed the deadline by 115 years,

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so we had to make someone else dance captain.

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Arr, shuffle hop ball change, landlubbers.

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NAUTICAL MELODY PLAYS

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I can't believe we spent a whole episode

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setting up that weak and laboured punchline.

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Well, that's not all -

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someone let the cat out of the bag.

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There it goes.

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Impressive, isn't it?

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I just can't stand this show sometimes.

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Have you seen anything good on YouBend recently, Derek?

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Have I? Hoo-hoo!

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I watched the most hilarious vlog ever last night.

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Really? Whose vlog is it?

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It's by the most interesting and exciting man I've ever seen.

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Oh, OK then, let's watch it.

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Hoo-hoo!

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Welcome to Wilf's World Of Woodwork Wonders.

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Sorry I've not posted in a while...

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Well, since about half an hour ago.

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I've been busy measuring up panels

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and counting out half-inch nails.

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Anyway, today we're talking about staining fences.

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Step one, make sure your fence is firmly secured

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and definitely won't fall on you,

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resulting in a comedic injury.

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And step two... HE SCREAMS

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I've stained my trousers.

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I don't believe it.

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That was absolutely brilliant!

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Oh, he's hilarious.

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He totally nailed it.

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He didn't nail it, that's why it fell on him.

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There's no need for that, Derek.

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Ooh, don't take of-fence!

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Hoo-hoo!

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(Pathetic.)

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Ellie, why is it that footballers are not allowed to dive?

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Because there's no water.

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Hmm. But diving is a sport as well, isn't it?

0:15:050:15:07

-Oh, yeah. Yes, it is.

-A-ha! Checkmate.

0:15:070:15:10

Because when I go down the swimming baths,

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there's a big sign saying, "No diving."

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So, you can't even dive there and it's a sport.

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I don't get it.

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I think you've got a bit confused there.

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No, I didn't.

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It's all a load of old nonsense, sport.

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-That's what it is.

-Oh, no, it's not.

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I think you'll find that's where you're wrong, my dear.

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# I can't find a thing to do

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# I'm so very bored

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# I tried asking Ellie here

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# She said to do some sport

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# Physical activity I'm not that keen at all

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# I've got better things to do than chase after balls

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# I'm fed up with Federer

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# I'm not the sort to play the sport

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# Rooney could do betterer

0:15:520:15:54

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

0:15:540:15:56

# What on earth's a pommel horse?

0:15:560:15:58

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

0:15:580:16:00

# Golf's more dull than ancient Norse

0:16:000:16:03

# No more sport

0:16:030:16:08

# Ellie tried to make me see

0:16:080:16:10

# Sport can make you fit

0:16:100:16:12

# But I'd rather lie in bed

0:16:120:16:14

# Than put on my kit

0:16:140:16:16

# Getting sweaty isn't fun

0:16:160:16:18

# Jogging's not my taste

0:16:180:16:20

# If I want a beach body

0:16:200:16:22

# I'll cut down on my paste

0:16:220:16:24

# I would rather collect gnomes...

0:16:240:16:26

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

0:16:260:16:29

# ..Than go to the velodrome

0:16:290:16:30

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

0:16:300:16:33

# You're a fool if you can't see

0:16:330:16:34

# I'm not the sort to play the sport

0:16:340:16:37

# Sports will never interest me

0:16:370:16:39

# No

0:16:390:16:40

# More

0:16:400:16:42

# Sport

0:16:420:16:44

# Except snooker

0:16:440:16:46

# Oh, snooker, yes! #

0:16:460:16:49

Oh, look, she's clapping.

0:16:510:16:53

It's a pity clap, but I'll still take it, cocker.

0:16:530:16:56

I will say this, Ellie, lawn bowls is actually quite fun to watch -

0:16:560:16:59

I don't mind saying that.

0:16:590:17:01

Oh, that's something.

0:17:010:17:02

So, did you like it when I got the gold medal?

0:17:020:17:04

Oh, yes, and it was brilliant when you beat your own world record.

0:17:040:17:08

-So you do like sport then?

-Never!

0:17:080:17:11

But, yes, I secretly do.

0:17:110:17:13

No, no, sport's not my thing, no.

0:17:130:17:15

I love the sport.

0:17:150:17:16

Oh, I can't bear the sport.

0:17:160:17:17

Oh, the sport - I love it. I love sport!

0:17:170:17:20

No, you don't, you hate it.

0:17:200:17:21

No, I love it.

0:17:210:17:22

Oh, Ellie. Ellie, I'm confused.

0:17:220:17:23

Ellie... I don't know what to do.

0:17:230:17:25

Larry, Larry, what's coming up?

0:17:250:17:28

I don't understand it.

0:17:280:17:29

Badminton, I don't think so.

0:17:290:17:31

Croquet, ooh!

0:17:310:17:33

It's a little-known fact that I was All-American champion

0:17:330:17:37

in the grand old sport of introducing...

0:17:370:17:39

back in California.

0:17:390:17:41

Now, what's coming up next?

0:17:420:17:44

Oh, yeah! This.

0:17:440:17:47

Coming up on Hacker Time,

0:17:470:17:49

Hacker reveals his favourite word...

0:17:490:17:51

Bull's-eye!

0:17:510:17:52

Hacker replaces his favourite word with a new favourite word...

0:17:520:17:55

-Coriolanus!

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

0:17:550:17:59

And Wilf gets the boot at long last.

0:17:590:18:01

Nutrition's important for a sportsperson, isn't it, Ellie?

0:18:040:18:08

Oh, yeah, very.

0:18:080:18:09

It's important for a chat show host too, you know, cocker.

0:18:090:18:12

Got to keep your strength up for this high-end banter.

0:18:120:18:14

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, dinner's up.

0:18:140:18:17

I better go and get a move on,

0:18:170:18:18

I need to take a "leak".

0:18:180:18:20

Come on, you. I need to go to the lavatory first.

0:18:200:18:22

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha.

0:18:220:18:25

Oh, wait for me!

0:18:250:18:27

What about me?

0:18:270:18:28

LEEK SCREAMS

0:18:330:18:35

Wilf, we need to be more eco-friendly.

0:18:350:18:38

We'll cut down on costs and save the Earth to boot.

0:18:380:18:41

Oh, good. I like boots,

0:18:410:18:43

I've just got a new pair myself.

0:18:430:18:45

I've got this guide -

0:18:450:18:47

Go Green And Stay Lean.

0:18:470:18:50

I'm lean and green.

0:18:500:18:52

Not you. I'm talking about saving money.

0:18:520:18:55

Although, stick around,

0:18:550:18:57

I might have a role for you later on...

0:18:570:18:59

A "casserole", that is!

0:18:590:19:02

Right, got to go. Bye.

0:19:020:19:04

It says here we need a smaller carbon footprint.

0:19:040:19:08

Well, I could stop wearing smaller carbon boots,

0:19:080:19:11

but I've only just got these.

0:19:110:19:13

Apparently our food needs to be responsibly sourced.

0:19:140:19:18

I'm very responsible with the sauce.

0:19:180:19:20

My portions of ketchup are very frugal.

0:19:200:19:24

We also need to recycle more.

0:19:240:19:26

We do recycle.

0:19:260:19:27

90% of the jokes in this sketch are recycled.

0:19:270:19:30

Including that one.

0:19:300:19:32

Most importantly, we need to stop using so much power.

0:19:320:19:37

Electric, petrol...

0:19:370:19:39

-It's all got to go.

-OK, my love.

0:19:390:19:42

But now we can't cook anything.

0:19:450:19:47

I'll fire up the van.

0:19:470:19:49

Oh, Wilf!

0:19:490:19:52

BELL RINGS

0:19:520:19:54

HE BURPS

0:19:540:19:56

Hacker Time is proud to present...

0:19:560:19:58

Simmonds' Secrets To Sporting Success.

0:19:580:20:00

First things first, get a coach...

0:20:040:20:07

-One step ahead of you there, cocker.

-HORN BLARES

0:20:070:20:10

It's a 56-seater, all fitted with seatbelts.

0:20:100:20:14

..and remember to train regularly.

0:20:140:20:16

Whoa. Why do I need a train when I've got a coach?

0:20:160:20:20

But, at first, it's best to build up your stamina -

0:20:200:20:23

so don't do anything too taxing.

0:20:230:20:26

Did somebody say taxi?

0:20:260:20:27

Oh, that's my cab to take me to the train station.

0:20:270:20:30

I've got a coach to catch. Ha-ha!

0:20:300:20:32

You've got to choose your sport carefully,

0:20:360:20:39

according to your own strengths.

0:20:390:20:40

Well, I can't grip anything with these little paws -

0:20:400:20:43

so that rules out darts...

0:20:430:20:45

Good, what else?

0:20:450:20:46

..and I can't count, so that rules out darts.

0:20:460:20:49

It might be more useful to think of things you CAN do.

0:20:490:20:51

My paw/eye coordination is well off, so that rules out darts.

0:20:510:20:56

I think all that tells us something.

0:20:560:20:58

It does indeed, cocker.

0:20:580:20:59

Stop going on about darts, Ellie Simmonds.

0:20:590:21:01

Darts, darts, darts - I'm bored of it.

0:21:010:21:05

Well, if anyone is entitled to be bored of darts around here,

0:21:050:21:08

it's me.

0:21:080:21:09

Bull's-eye!

0:21:090:21:11

To help with nutrition and energy, try to keep a food diary.

0:21:150:21:18

I do that, yeah. I keep the leek's diary.

0:21:180:21:21

Look, I'll read you an excerpt.

0:21:210:21:23

"Monday, Wilf took me to the pool

0:21:230:21:25

"and I disgraced myself again -

0:21:250:21:26

"when will I learn?" Ha-ha.

0:21:260:21:28

"Wednesday, how am I even writing this? I'm a leek."

0:21:280:21:32

Fair point.

0:21:320:21:34

My last tip is the most important.

0:21:380:21:40

Always remember, never give up.

0:21:400:21:42

Oh, I give up.

0:21:420:21:44

What do you mean?

0:21:440:21:46

I mean, I give up giving up.

0:21:460:21:47

So you don't give up?

0:21:470:21:49

-That's the spirit.

-Not really, I give up.

0:21:490:21:52

-What?

-I give up giving up on giving up.

0:21:520:21:55

In other words... I give up.

0:21:550:21:57

-Oh, I give up.

-Oh, she's given up.

0:21:570:22:02

Oh, my. If you thought that was bad, wait till you see this.

0:22:020:22:06

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

0:22:060:22:09

BELL RINGS

0:22:090:22:11

To be or not to be, that is the question.

0:22:110:22:15

No, the question is - why are you talking to a plastic skull?

0:22:150:22:18

I'm not talking, Josh. I am acting.

0:22:180:22:20

We're doing a play by the great William Shakespeare.

0:22:200:22:24

Shakespeare? But he's dull as old pebbledash.

0:22:240:22:26

Can we not do Grease?

0:22:260:22:28

I'd be an ace Pink Lady.

0:22:280:22:30

No, Josh. It's Shakespeare and that is that.

0:22:300:22:34

# Talking about a man

0:22:340:22:36

# One of life's winners

0:22:360:22:37

# More plays and sonnets than you've had hot dinners

0:22:370:22:39

# Macbeth, Othello, Midsummer Night's Dream

0:22:390:22:41

# He wrote so much that it would make you scream

0:22:410:22:44

# I've got no time for that old-fashioned tat

0:22:440:22:46

# To be or not to be, Forsooth and all that

0:22:460:22:48

# The guy's off his rocker He makes no sense

0:22:480:22:50

# I'd rather watch paint dry on my garden fence

0:22:500:22:53

# But old Billy S

0:22:530:22:54

# Man, what a dude

0:22:540:22:56

# He wrote about three witches standing in a brood

0:22:560:22:58

# Said that thing about music and food

0:22:580:23:00

# And what about Caesar?

0:23:000:23:01

# He was no good

0:23:010:23:02

# Enough about that rubbish It means nowt to me

0:23:020:23:05

# The whole works were surely typed up by a monkey

0:23:050:23:07

# Pericles, The Tempest, Richard III

0:23:070:23:09

# I'd rather be with Derek spotting boring birds

0:23:090:23:12

# Josh, this man, he is our favourite bard

0:23:120:23:14

# Wrote nearly 40 plays

0:23:140:23:15

# Oh, that must have been hard

0:23:150:23:16

# Hamlet, King Lear, The Taming Of The Shrew

0:23:160:23:19

# I'd rather stir stilton in my milky brew

0:23:190:23:21

# The man is filth

0:23:210:23:22

# His words are rotten

0:23:220:23:23

# Josh, there's a character and he's called Bottom. #

0:23:230:23:26

I love him!

0:23:260:23:27

Ha-ha! Great, now that that is settled,

0:23:270:23:29

let's start with rehearsals.

0:23:290:23:30

-Oh, yes, and what play is it?

-Coriolanus.

0:23:300:23:33

I'm sorry to hear that, but let's carry on anyway.

0:23:330:23:36

BELL RINGS

0:23:380:23:40

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the greatest quiz of them all,

0:23:400:23:44

the part of the show we like to call...

0:23:440:23:46

Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

0:23:460:23:49

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:490:23:52

TOILET FLUSHES

0:23:520:23:55

Ellie, the rules of this game are bog-standard.

0:23:550:23:58

It's still funny that, isn't it? All you have to do is...

0:23:580:24:01

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:010:24:04

TOILET FLUSHES

0:24:040:24:06

..Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

0:24:060:24:08

Hey, hey! How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

0:24:080:24:12

-It's actually better than expected.

-Isn't it, cocker?

0:24:120:24:15

That's what they all say.

0:24:150:24:17

The time will end when you hear this sound...

0:24:170:24:19

You don't know your onions like I know my onions.

0:24:190:24:22

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

0:24:220:24:24

In that case, start the clock.

0:24:240:24:26

Tenpin bowling, true or false?

0:24:280:24:31

-True.

-I'm afraid you're wrong, the answer was actually Cairo.

-Oh.

0:24:310:24:36

Next question, what is the Super Bowl?

0:24:360:24:39

-Sport?

-Nope, it's a massive bowl for serving soup in.

0:24:390:24:42

It can hold three cans of cream of chicken.

0:24:420:24:46

Please welcome my chum and soon-to-be yours.

0:24:460:24:49

It's the beloved Acky G!

0:24:490:24:52

It's Accordion George, Acky G!

0:24:520:24:55

Ack, Ack, Ack, Ack - The Big Juicy G! Yes!

0:24:550:24:58

Acky G is going to play a fantastic tune on his favourite ack,

0:24:580:25:01

but you must guess what song he's playing.

0:25:010:25:04

Take it away, Accordion G!

0:25:040:25:06

HE PLAYS UPBEAT SONG

0:25:070:25:11

Right, Ellie, you've got very little hope of getting this -

0:25:220:25:25

but what was The Big G playing on his favourite juicy ack?

0:25:250:25:29

I think I've got this one.

0:25:290:25:30

George Ezra - Budapest.

0:25:300:25:32

Let's find out if you're right.

0:25:320:25:34

# My house in Budapest

0:25:340:25:36

# My hidden treasure chest

0:25:360:25:38

# Golden grand piano

0:25:380:25:40

# My beautiful Castillo

0:25:400:25:42

# Oh, you

0:25:420:25:43

# Oh, you

0:25:430:25:45

# Oh, I'd leave it all... #

0:25:450:25:46

Yes, it was Budapest by George Ezra.

0:25:460:25:49

I'm not sure how you got it, because you were rubbish there, George.

0:25:490:25:52

Have you got jam all down your keys?

0:25:520:25:54

Acky G, you are a waste of space -

0:25:540:25:56

now, go away.

0:25:560:25:58

Go on, out of my sight.

0:25:580:26:00

Next question, Ellie.

0:26:000:26:02

Are you a good sport?

0:26:020:26:04

Yes.

0:26:040:26:05

No! You're not a good sport.

0:26:050:26:06

You're a person.

0:26:060:26:08

You don't know your onions like I know my onions.

0:26:080:26:11

Time's up. That means you've won tonight's star prize.

0:26:110:26:15

A banana skin!

0:26:150:26:17

Skin only, flesh not included.

0:26:170:26:19

What do you think about that, cocker? A rancid old fruit husk.

0:26:190:26:23

One of the best prizes I have ever had(!)

0:26:230:26:25

Yeah, I know. It is a tad underwhelming, that prize, isn't it?

0:26:250:26:28

-Yeah.

-But worry ye not, cocker,

0:26:280:26:30

because you've also won a day trip for one

0:26:300:26:33

to the wastepipes 'neath this very studio.

0:26:330:26:35

Have you got any last words before you go?

0:26:350:26:37

I'd just like to thank...

0:26:370:26:39

DOOR SLAMS

0:26:390:26:40

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Herman, flush her away!

0:26:400:26:43

Oh, no!

0:26:430:26:46

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, what a curious life I lead.

0:26:470:26:51

Now, before I go and get some haslet in for my tea,

0:26:510:26:54

here's a little song to say ta-ra with.

0:26:540:26:56

Join in if you know the words.

0:26:560:26:58

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:030:27:06

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:060:27:08

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:080:27:10

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:100:27:13

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

0:27:130:27:15

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

0:27:150:27:18

# But watch again next time cos we've got much more

0:27:180:27:20

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff

0:27:200:27:21

# It will be top drawer

0:27:210:27:22

# Ellie Simmonds came along

0:27:220:27:25

# Tried to tell me sport was fun

0:27:250:27:27

# She gave me a masterclass

0:27:270:27:29

# But we found out Beyond a doubt

0:27:290:27:30

# That I just can't be made to run

0:27:300:27:32

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:320:27:34

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:340:27:37

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:370:27:39

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:390:27:41

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:410:27:44

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:27:440:27:47

Anyone fancy a swim?

0:27:470:27:48

-SPLASH

-Kaplosh!

0:27:480:27:50

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog. Featuring the drama series The Next Step but One, starring Hacker as Emma-Lee, Ed Petrie as Eddon and Kelly-Anne Lyons as Rochelle. Kay Purcell plays Mrs Breadbin in the catering van sketch, and Ortis Deley takes up the role as Dexter in The Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

This episode features gold medal-winning Paralympian Ellie Simmonds.


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