Tim Warwood Hacker Time


Tim Warwood

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Transcript


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Hacker Time is not recommended in 35 countries,

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including this one!

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Morning, everyone!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hang on,

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where did that applause come from?

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A studio audience snuck in overnight.

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-Look!

-Eh?

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You all right, cockers?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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What are they doing now?

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Well, they're trained to cheer at every popular catchphrase.

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Really?

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Yes, Mr Hacker.

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CHEERING

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I'll fire up the van!

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CHEERING

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Whoo-hoo!

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AUDIENCE BOOS

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Oh, no.

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Oh...

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Never mind.

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They will laugh whenever we do something funny.

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Well, here's a joke then.

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What's green, smelly

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and can't produce a programme to save its life?

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I have no idea.

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Derek.

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LAUGHTER

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Very good, Lorraine, very good.

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But I think they'll laugh even louder at some slapstick comedy.

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Herman, slap me with that fish.

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SQUELCH

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Oh, they're not reacting.

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Fish slap me again.

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SQUELCH

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Nothing. And again!

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SMACK Oh!

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LAUGHTER I'm seriously injured.

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LAUGHTER

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Hey, you lot, I'm in a great deal of pain!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Somebody stop them laughing!

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Very well - here's today's episode of Hacker Time.

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AUDIENCE HISSES That's better. Whoo-hoo!

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Oh! Stop!

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Oh, me everything!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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# You're gonna watch this

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# You gotta watch this!

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# You gotta watch this!

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you

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# So hard, makes me say

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# Oh, my word!

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# Thank you for watching me

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# It's telly, but not what you normally see

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# It feels good, there's outtakes too

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# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

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# So sit back - don't move too much

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# This is the show you can't touch

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-# Stop!

-Hacker Time! #

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Thank you.

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Stand by, everyone.

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We're on air in five,

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four, three,

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two, one...

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LAUGHTER

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Cue, Larry.

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Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your sets.

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He really is that disgusting!

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It's Hacker T Dog!

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-APPLAUSE

-You all right, cockers? Hey, hey!

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I'm pleased to say that today's guest is a highly respected

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broadcaster with a glittering televisual career.

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Hello!

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Not you, Yonko! Go away!

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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Don't show him any pity, will you?

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As I was saying, today's guest is a real presenter

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who does wildlife shows, or something.

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He's on his way now.

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HE YELPS WITH EXCITEMENT

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PHONE RINGS Hi, Tim Warwood here

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-to do a wildlife show or something.

-Oh, sounds great.

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-Step this way, Mr...

-Warwood, actually.

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We need a new photograph for your ID badge.

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No, I'm all right. I think I've got one.

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-Get in the booth, in the booth. Go on, sir.

-Really? OK.

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Shut those curtains. Shut 'em. Shut 'em tight.

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Get inside. Yeah. Doors, doors, please.

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Tim Warwood. Ah...

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-BUZZ

-Down.

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LAUGHTER

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SIRENS BLARE Let me out of here!

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HACKER HUMS

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Please, welcome today's special guest,

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wildlife presenter Tim Warwood!

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HE SCREAMS

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Yeah, I'm fine, absolutely fine.

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Welcome to Hacker Time, Tim Warwood!

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No, absolutely no way. I'm not doing this, no.

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But, Tim, War-wouldn't you do it?

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Because of that, because of all the jokes that you always do.

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All right, all right, Tim.

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I promise to stop with the jokes.

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Do you? All right. I'll stay.

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-HACKER CHUCKLES

-WARWOOD I stop?!

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Derek, WARWOOD you do the honours and play the fact file?

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I carried on in your honour, sir.

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Certainly, my little owl.

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Warwood!

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Tim Warwood presents CBBC's Wild and Wild And Weird.

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He can also turn his thumb into a rat. Hm...

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Tim used to be a top snowboarder,

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but now he's too old for all that stuff.

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Tim once forgot he was on TV and ran into the studio mid-shower.

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Still, nothing's as bad as the time he turned up

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dressed as a caterpillar construction worker.

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And he's always sat next to Naomi.

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That's all you need to know about Tim Warwood!

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Wow! That was your life!

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I've never seen anything so dull and harrowing in equal measure.

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Hello!

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Get out, Yonks!

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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And stop pitying him, will you?

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Tim, WARWOOD you like to see what's coming up?

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-Yeah, go on.

-Hurrah.

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Lazza, do the honours, me old mucka!

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Get ready to laugh like a hyena and cry like an upset swan,

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because today's Hacker Time

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is all about wildlife!

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WARWOOD he do this?

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Whoa.

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WARWOOD she do that?

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THEY GRUNT

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And WARWOOD anyone watch this?

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Oh, War-wouldn't you like to know?

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Looks almost bearable, doesn't it, thingy?

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It's Tim, actually.

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Now, may I now stuff a series of questions into your withered

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-old ears, Tom?

-Tim. Go on, yeah.

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Question one - what is wildlife?

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It's everything, isn't it? Animals, insects...

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No!

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I think you'll find THIS is wildlife.

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DANCE MUSIC POUNDS

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HORN BLARES

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Yes, yes, yes. There you go.

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Much better than that boring wildlife that you're always

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-harping on about, don't you think?

-Not really.

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-I mean, well, different tastes, I suppose.

-Well...

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Now, Tim, you've seen lots of animals, haven't you?

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Gorillas, tigers, even rabbits.

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Speaking of which,

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do you remember that time you spotted the world's wildest hare?

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Erm...not really.

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LAUGHTER Yeah, I do.

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-It's Radzi's hair.

-Radzi's hair.

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Yeah, he should use a dry shampoo, shouldn't he?

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-Yeah.

-How dare you?

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I'll have you know I'm the world's wildest hare

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and I resent there being any suggestion otherwise. Hm!

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-Ooh! What a wild hare!

-Blimey.

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Tim, what's the scariest creature on the planet?

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Is it Naomi Wilkinson before she's had her mandatory

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full English breakfast?

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-Look at her there.

-Oh, yeah, I think it might be.

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-LAUGHTER

-Seriously though,

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what is the scariest creature on the planet?

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Ooh, erm...

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definitely a great white shark.

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Well, it's your lucky day, Tom, because we've got one here now!

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What?

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Whoa!

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Don't worry, it's only Herman with a fin on his head.

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-HE SIGHS

-Oh, no, not me, Mr Hacker.

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-DRAMATIC MUSIC

-But if it's not Herman, then...

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THEY GASP

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It's me.

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What do you think about me new quiff?

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That's the weirdest hair I've ever seen.

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How dare you?

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I'll have you know I'm the weirdest hare you've ever seen.

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Oh, yeah? Just how weird?

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I'm going to stack your dishwasher in an unconventional fashion. Hm!

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Ooh! How very War-weird.

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Anyway, the joke's on him, cos I never wash my dishes!

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Now, Tim, you're also interested in winter sports, aren't you?

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-Yeah.

-But which one's your favourite?

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Definitely snowboarding.

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-Snowboarding.

-Yeah.

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While you're here, would you like to find out the results of the curling?

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-Yeah, why not.

-Very well.

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Wilf, what are the results of the curling?

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See for yourself.

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I've had a perm done to get rid of that terrible quiff.

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Now, cocker, that brings us to the end of the interview.

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I can't believe we got through it

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-without something disastrous happening.

-I know.

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Oh...

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Don't worry about it, Tim, you'll be fine. It's Herman this time.

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-Yeah.

-No, it's not.

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He's gone down to the hairdressers to watch the curling.

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Then that means...

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THEY SCREECH

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Shark! Shark!

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Shark!

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Wait! Where did everybody go?

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I only wanted to show off my new quiff.

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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Stop pitying him, will you?!

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Larry, cut to something else! What a mess.

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Put on your dancing shoes, because it's time for

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The Next Step...But One.

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I can't believe it,

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Emma-Lee is actually looking at me.

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You're the most handsome guy I've ever seen.

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Would you like to grab a juice with me?

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Oh, of course I would, darling.

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Mine is a turnip smoothie.

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Good choice.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Oh, just look at him.

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I've got butterflies in my stomach.

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Oh, well that's because you've been eating butterflies.

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LAUGHTER

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Eddon, there's something I have to say.

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I,

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O...

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I...

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I...

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-E, O...

-Well done.

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You've passed your eye test.

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Great.

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Oh, by the way,

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I love you.

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A?

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Well done, you've passed your eye test, too.

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# We'll show the world our moves

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# It's going

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# It's going

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# It's going to be our chance

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# It's going to be our chance

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# But none of us can dance

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# None of us can dance. #

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When Rochelle said she loved me, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

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Rochelle, you've just said you love me

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and I can't believe what I'm hearing.

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When Eddon said he couldn't believe what he was hearing after

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-I said I loved him, I couldn't believe what

-I

-was hearing!

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Eddon, you said you can't believe

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what you're hearing after I said I loved you,

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but now I can't believe what I'm hearing after you just said

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you can't believe what you're hearing after I said I love you...

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Can we move the story along, please?

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It's getting a little bit much, innit?

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OK. Eddon, will you go out with me?

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You've got the most lustrous hairs, haven't you?

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I suppose the answer has to be...yes.

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Ugh, what did he say?!

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Does this mean we're actually seeing each other?

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Yes, I can confirm that you're both

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seeing each other very clearly. Ha-ha.

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Why is there even an optician in here?

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# Another one bites the dust - oww! #

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SHE GIGGLES

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More turnip smoothie, honey, bunny, sugar lump?

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No, thanks, snuggly, wuggly, fuzzy, wuzzy, rainbow, kitten...face.

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So I walk in and see those two canoodling,

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and it instantly makes me sick!

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-There's your turnip smoothie.

-Thanks. Now to vomit.

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-Emma-Lee, do you have a problem with our relationship?

-Well, duh!

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Everyone knows that I'm in love with Eddon.

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SHE GASPS

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You are?

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Ohh, I couldn't have made it clearer.

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Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?

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HACKER OINKS

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Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?

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HACKER SNORTS AND YAPS

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Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?

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HACKER SNORTS AND RETCHES

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Woo-woo! Mahhh!

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HACKER CAWS

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Cuckoo!

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See? Could not have made it clearer.

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Well, you can't have him, he is mine.

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THEY OINK

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HACKER CAWS AND SHRIEKS

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So Emma-Lee's like... HE OINKS

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And Michelle's like... HE OINKS

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And Emma-Lee's like... HE OINKS

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And Michelle's like... HE OINKS

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And I'm like, "I have to do something."

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Girls, please! There's only one way to settle this.

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I will have to pick the one that I think is the most beautiful.

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THEY GASP

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-HACKER COUGHS

-Excuse me.

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Cheating, that.

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So, who is the most beautiful?

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It definitely has to be...

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you. ROCHELLE GASPS

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You're gorgeous. Fancy a turnip smoothie?

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Oh, darling... you had me at "turnip."

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ALL: Awww.

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-BELL RINGS

-Well done, you've all passed.

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Oh, it gets worse. Ooh, let's watch something on YouBend.

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Oh, I know, we can watch that Hacker Time mashup.

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It's trending all over the web. I love a good mashup -

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with a pie. Hoo-hoo!

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No, Derek, it's nothing to do with a pie and mash,

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it's a mashup of clips of Hacker Time.

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I know, I like to watch mashups with a pie!

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SMOOCH

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Stick it on.

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Today's show... Is 15%... Utter rubbish.

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15%... Hideous! The rest of the show...

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-Is stupid...unfunny...

-Hurrah!

-..and totally one-dimensional.

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-Wooo!

-And worst of all...

-He's just so, you know, "Nneagh!"

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Nneagh! Nneagh!

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-I'm sorry...

-We have to get rid of him.

-Moving on.

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-PARP

-It's basic comedy, this.

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PARP

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This is awkward. Oh, me privets!

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-I don't get it.

-That was really well done, that, wasn't it?

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-That's the most sense he's ever made.

-Exactly, ho-ho. Now, to eat me pie.

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Ooh-ooh-ooh, I've burnt me tongue!

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AUDIENCE LAUGHTER SOUND EFFECT

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Stop laughing. Stop laughing at my pain. Stop it! It really hurts.

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Timothy, why haven't I ever been on one of your wildlife shows?

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Well, you are a tame dog, aren't you?

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TAME?! I don't know what that word means.

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However, I do often wish I was a more exciting creature.

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KEYBOARD RIFF

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# My life is so banal

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# I'm constantly upset

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# Just a dull domestic pet

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# I'm so common if only I could change

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# And find some inner peace

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# As a more exotic beast

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# Like a hippo or a whale

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# Maybe a rhino, goose or snail

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# A gibbon or a northern bobwhite quail... #

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HE MOUTHS

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# Or a stoat! Yes, a stoat!

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# Then I'd bound across the heath

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# Have a vicious set of teeth

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# And sleep in an open habitat

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# A black tip on my tail

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# And weird mouse-like ears

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# An otter's face and a lifespan of five years

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# Just five years. #

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And that's why my life would so much better as a stoat.

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Imagine living for a whole, glorious five years.

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-Yeah, but how old are you?

-I'm six.

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Oh, yeah, stoats are rubbish, aren't they?

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Come here, you stinking wretch!

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HE GROWLS

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-STOAT TOY SQUEAKS

-Ooh.

0:16:070:16:09

Larry, tell us what other muck's coming up.

0:16:090:16:11

Certainly, Hacker. This is the show that just keeps giving...

0:16:110:16:16

you nightmares! Things are getting wild with Tim and Hacker.

0:16:160:16:20

Why wouldn't they?

0:16:200:16:23

There's a lesson to be learned at Flemsbury High.

0:16:230:16:26

And don't miss the quiz finale. Why would you?

0:16:260:16:29

"Why would you", ha.

0:16:290:16:31

That looks awful.

0:16:310:16:32

Now, Tim, you're a man with a face, and indeed some eyes,

0:16:320:16:36

but whom is the real Tim Warwood?

0:16:360:16:41

Well, it's a deep question really...

0:16:410:16:42

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Oh, lunchtime!

0:16:420:16:44

Not interested, cocker, good day to ye.

0:16:440:16:46

I hope it's napkins instead of serviettes today.

0:16:480:16:51

I'm hungry.

0:16:550:16:57

Wilf, food sales are down.

0:17:020:17:06

And, what with your endless parade of new hairdos,

0:17:060:17:09

we could go out of business!

0:17:090:17:11

Don't worry, my sweet, I've introduced a new taster menu - look.

0:17:110:17:15

Mmm, it's less cardboardy than the last one.

0:17:210:17:24

Oh, Mrs Breadbin, a taster menu is a series of small courses

0:17:240:17:28

at extremely high prices.

0:17:280:17:30

We only need one mug - I mean customer -

0:17:300:17:33

and we'll be back in bwizness.

0:17:330:17:35

-Oh, here's one.

-Hello, mug - I mean, customer.

0:17:350:17:39

Oh, no, you were right, my name is Mug,

0:17:390:17:42

and I'm also incredibly gullible.

0:17:420:17:44

In that case, you'll love our new taster menu.

0:17:440:17:48

Oh, well, I hope it's less cardboardy than the last one.

0:17:480:17:51

OK, here's your pre-starter starter, your pre-starter,

0:17:510:17:57

your starter starter, your starter for ten,

0:17:570:18:01

you're under starter's orders, and you're off!

0:18:010:18:05

Literally.

0:18:050:18:07

Your post-starter, your post post-starter,

0:18:070:18:10

your post which got redirected here and a fence post.

0:18:100:18:13

I varnished it meself.

0:18:130:18:15

Your main course, minor course, major course...

0:18:150:18:19

And your training course - on how to hold a large stack of plates.

0:18:190:18:24

Just give it a little tidy up, dear, that's it.

0:18:240:18:26

-It's looking good, that, yeah. Smashing.

-Here you go.

0:18:260:18:31

-Enjoy your meal.

-Aaaargh!

0:18:310:18:36

Oh, he should have paid more attention to that training course.

0:18:360:18:38

Never mind that, he's broken all me plates.

0:18:380:18:42

How am I going to feed the studio audience?

0:18:420:18:44

JEERING

0:18:440:18:46

I'll fire up the van.

0:18:460:18:48

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:18:480:18:49

And now, we present Tim and Hacker in Wild and Weirdo!

0:18:500:18:56

SCREECH

0:18:560:18:58

You know, Hacker, there is nothing better than being

0:18:580:19:00

in the middle of the desert.

0:19:000:19:02

Oh, I finished my dessert ages ago.

0:19:020:19:04

I'm already on my post dessert, pre-after-dinner mint.

0:19:040:19:06

HE SNIFFS

0:19:060:19:08

-No! I said desert, not dessert.

-All right, sorry.

0:19:080:19:11

-What are we doing here again?

-We're on the hunt for big game.

0:19:110:19:14

Have you seen any?

0:19:140:19:15

Yes, I've got this giant box of snakes and ladders here, cocker.

0:19:150:19:18

Look at that little beauty.

0:19:180:19:19

Not that big game. I was talking more rhinos and elephants.

0:19:190:19:21

I've got that as well, they were two-for-one.

0:19:210:19:24

-I've got that one, look.

-What?

0:19:240:19:25

-All in the same deal.

-No.

0:19:250:19:26

I'll tell you what - giraffes. Let's look out for giraffes, yeah?

0:19:260:19:30

I've got that as well, look. Draughts.

0:19:300:19:32

I've got draughts with me,

0:19:320:19:33

look, I always carry it,

0:19:330:19:34

-I've got draughts.

-Not draughts, I'm talking giraffes.

-Draughts.

0:19:340:19:37

-Giraffes!

-Oh, right.

-Enough.

0:19:370:19:38

-Why don't you take a look through your binoculars?

-Very well!

0:19:380:19:42

-GASPS:

-I don't believe it!

0:19:420:19:44

-I can see it so clearly.

-What? What is it?

0:19:440:19:47

-Is it a crocodile, a zebra, a hippopotamus?

-No.

0:19:470:19:49

The lens cap of the binoculars.

0:19:490:19:52

-Oh. Here you go.

-Thank you.

-Try that.

0:19:520:19:54

-Right, cheers.

-Look again.

-DINGO!

0:19:540:19:58

Dingo! A real one? You can see a dingo?

0:19:580:19:59

No, I got a full house in bingo and I forgot how to spell. Ha!

0:19:590:20:04

-Just have another look.

-All right.

0:20:040:20:06

HE GASPS

0:20:060:20:08

-Lion!

-Really? You can see a lion?

0:20:080:20:10

No, I was lying about getting a full house in dingo. I was missing 88.

0:20:100:20:15

Eugh! He's right. I actually got

0:20:150:20:17

-a full house.

-Did you?

0:20:170:20:19

No. I was lying.

0:20:190:20:21

-Were you?

-No, I was lying about that.

-Oh, were you?

0:20:210:20:24

Look, I don't know what the truth is any more. Bye!

0:20:240:20:26

HE GASPS

0:20:280:20:29

-What?

-What is that on the floor there?

0:20:290:20:32

Agh! Oh, look at that.

0:20:320:20:34

Unbelievable. That right there is the egg of the mystical wacka wacka bird.

0:20:340:20:40

It's a very rare artefact, you know.

0:20:400:20:42

We should guard it with our lives. EGG CRACKS

0:20:420:20:45

-Do you understand me?

-What was that?

0:20:450:20:47

Sorry, I didn't hear what you were saying there, cocker,

0:20:470:20:50

I was busy frying this priceless egg.

0:20:500:20:52

Listen, the wacka wacka bird

0:20:520:20:53

can't be far away.

0:20:530:20:55

We should hide in some camouflage, Hacker.

0:20:550:20:58

Hacker? Hacker?

0:20:580:21:00

Wow. That is good camouflage. I can't even see you.

0:21:010:21:05

I know! These gaudy feathers really blend into this arid landscape.

0:21:050:21:10

-Hacker!

-What?

0:21:100:21:11

The bird's going to see you dressed like that

0:21:110:21:13

and it's going to be furious about that egg.

0:21:130:21:16

HE GASPS

0:21:160:21:17

-Here it is.

-Agh!

0:21:170:21:18

-Oi, you.

-Yes?

-I want a word with you.

-Yes?

0:21:180:21:22

-And I want a straight answer.

-Y-Y-Yes!

0:21:220:21:26

Would you like to play a friendly game of Rhinos and Elephants

0:21:260:21:29

-with me?

-Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

0:21:290:21:31

CHEERING

0:21:310:21:32

By the way, have you seen my egg?

0:21:340:21:37

-Yes! He took it!

-What?

0:21:370:21:39

Right, you come here!

0:21:390:21:43

Go on, you. Give him what for...

0:21:430:21:46

And now, it's the moment you haven't been waiting for,

0:21:460:21:50

it's the Quarter Past 4 o'clock Club.

0:21:500:21:52

BELL RINGS

0:21:520:21:54

Oh, I love geography!

0:21:540:21:56

There's nowt more enjoyable than baking a nice juicy flan.

0:21:560:22:00

Josh, you're thinking about food technology.

0:22:000:22:03

Geography is all about the Earth - volcanoes, oceans,

0:22:030:22:07

gross national product.

0:22:070:22:09

-It's got nothing to do with flans.

-Geography?

0:22:090:22:12

Pah!

0:22:120:22:14

# This subject makes me sick, I'm sweating and shaking

0:22:140:22:16

# Who cares about the latitude of Copenhagen?

0:22:160:22:18

# I don't see the point of the Brazilian plateau

0:22:180:22:21

# When I could be baking a Black Forest gateau

0:22:210:22:23

# Get with the programme, don't be a potato

0:22:230:22:25

# Geography is great, think about the Equator

0:22:250:22:27

# It's 25,000 miles in length

0:22:270:22:29

# And wait till we've covered igneous rock strength

0:22:290:22:32

# Stop going on about clouds and rain

0:22:320:22:33

# Sedimentary rock formation's a world of pain

0:22:330:22:36

# I can't stand this field of study, Capiche?

0:22:360:22:38

# Let's learn something useful like how to make quiche

0:22:380:22:40

# Oh, quiche Lorraine!

0:22:400:22:42

# Or the three climate zones of Spain

0:22:420:22:44

# A baked Florentine

0:22:440:22:46

# Or the San Andreas fault line

0:22:460:22:48

# Don't want to learn the contour lines of North Moldova

0:22:480:22:51

# I'd rather reach the summit of a huge Pavlova

0:22:510:22:53

# Josh, this is silly, geography's the best

0:22:530:22:55

# Besides all that, you've got a test

0:22:550:22:58

# Pah! It's boring, I'd rather bake

0:22:580:23:00

# But you need to know about an oxbow lake

0:23:000:23:02

# Or the atmosphere and how it's thinned

0:23:020:23:04

# Or ask yourself, why do we have wind? #

0:23:040:23:06

PHRRT!

0:23:060:23:09

Oh! It's all those pastry products, if I'm honest.

0:23:090:23:12

Reet, I'm off to food technology.

0:23:120:23:14

I can't wait to learn about the planet. GOOD DAY!

0:23:140:23:18

BELL RINGS

0:23:200:23:22

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:23:220:23:24

hold onto your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show.

0:23:240:23:28

The quiz that we like to call...

0:23:280:23:31

Sit on the Lav Lav and Answer Some Questions.

0:23:310:23:34

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:23:340:23:36

FLUSHING

0:23:380:23:39

Yes, Tim, the rules of this game are bog standard. It's good, that.

0:23:410:23:44

All you have to do is...

0:23:440:23:45

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:23:450:23:47

FLUSHING

0:23:490:23:51

..sit on the lav lav and answer some questions.

0:23:510:23:53

How does it feel being sat upon my throne, cocker?

0:23:530:23:56

-Good, yes, it's nice. Warm.

-Still warm, innit?

0:23:560:23:59

The time will end when you hear this sound.

0:23:590:24:01

Hello!

0:24:010:24:03

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

0:24:030:24:05

In that case, start the clock.

0:24:050:24:08

-Name a garden bird.

-A robin.

0:24:080:24:11

No, it was Terry.

0:24:110:24:12

Complete the title of this show.

0:24:120:24:14

-Naomi's Nightmares of...

-Nature.

0:24:140:24:16

No, Nantwich. Ha!

0:24:160:24:18

Herman has disguised this bird of prey as a popular singer.

0:24:180:24:21

-But who is it?

-Er...

0:24:210:24:24

Er, Peter Andre?

0:24:240:24:26

Incorrect.

0:24:260:24:27

It's obvious who it is, it's Owl-ie Murs.

0:24:270:24:30

Oh!

0:24:300:24:32

Go away, Herman and take that filth with you.

0:24:320:24:34

Please say hello to my old friend and confidant, Acky G!

0:24:340:24:38

# It's Accordion George Acky G, G, G. #

0:24:380:24:42

The big George,

0:24:420:24:43

good old Acky G and his big juicy acc!

0:24:430:24:46

Acky G is about to play a famous tune on his lovely bulbous acc,

0:24:460:24:49

but what is it?

0:24:490:24:51

Take it away, Acky G.

0:24:510:24:53

HE PLAYS "SUGAR" BY MAROON 5

0:24:540:24:56

Well, it sounds like you haven't played that for 25 years, cocker,

0:25:080:25:12

but, Tim, what was Acky G portraying on his acc?

0:25:120:25:16

Er... Er...

0:25:160:25:18

# Nothing gonna go my way. #

0:25:180:25:19

-I don't know.

-You've no idea, have you, cocker?

-No.

0:25:190:25:22

I didn't think you would, it was dreadful.

0:25:220:25:24

Let's find out what it was, please.

0:25:240:25:26

-"SUGAR" BY MAROON 5 PLAYS

-Yeah!

0:25:260:25:28

Come on, G, dance, cocker.

0:25:280:25:30

-Come on, G.

-I should have known this one.

0:25:320:25:34

# The big G Acky G

0:25:340:25:38

-# He's a big old G... #

-MUSIC STOPS

0:25:380:25:40

He was slightly out...

0:25:400:25:41

It was Sugar by Maroon 5. I'm not surprised you didn't get it.

0:25:410:25:44

He was slightly out of time, it threw me.

0:25:440:25:46

-Yeah, well, he was dreadful, wasn't he, cocker?

-Well...

-Acky G, go away!

0:25:460:25:50

Go on, get your acc out of me sight, I'm sick of seeing it.

0:25:500:25:53

-Good, though.

-Take your stool with you.

0:25:530:25:55

-He always brings that stool with him.

-Does he?

0:25:550:25:57

I don't know what he's thinking! Now, complete this phrase.

0:25:570:26:00

-I'm having a what of a time?

-Whale!

0:26:000:26:03

All right, then.

0:26:030:26:04

-WAILS:

-I said, complete this phrase...

0:26:040:26:06

Hello!

0:26:060:26:08

Time's up. That means you've won tonight's star prize.

0:26:080:26:12

A used piece of chewing gum! Only six previous owners.

0:26:120:26:16

What do you think about that, cocker?

0:26:160:26:18

Mmm, not so appealing really but thank you all the same. I'll take it.

0:26:180:26:21

My pleasure, yes. Well, it's your lucky day, cocker.

0:26:210:26:23

-Because you've also won an holiday!

-Really? A holiday?

0:26:230:26:27

A once-in-a-lifetime trip to the drains beneath this very studio.

0:26:270:26:31

-Any last words before you go?

-Well, thank you to...

0:26:310:26:34

Hey-hey! Herman, flush him away!

0:26:350:26:38

FLUSHING HE SCREAMS

0:26:380:26:40

Ha-ha-ha!

0:26:400:26:42

What a lovely person. I wonder who she was.

0:26:420:26:45

Reet, I'm off to get me nets cleaned at the dry cleaner's.

0:26:450:26:48

But first, I shall sing my final ditty. Join in, me old cockers!

0:26:480:26:53

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:26:580:27:00

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

0:27:000:27:02

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:020:27:05

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker time

0:27:050:27:07

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

0:27:070:27:10

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

0:27:100:27:12

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

0:27:120:27:14

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff

0:27:140:27:16

# It will be top drawer

0:27:160:27:18

# My guest today was Tim Warwood our chat was quite absurd

0:27:180:27:22

# We had some very hairy jokes

0:27:220:27:24

# And then poor old Tim got chased away by the wacka wacka bird

0:27:240:27:27

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:270:27:29

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

0:27:290:27:31

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:310:27:34

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:340:27:36

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:360:27:39

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:27:390:27:41

-I wish I had my own show.

-ALL: Aw!

0:27:410:27:43

Don't show him any pity!

0:27:430:27:45

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