Tim Warwood Hacker Time

Hacker Time is not recommended in 35 countries,

including this one!

Morning, everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hang on,

where did that applause come from?

A studio audience snuck in overnight.

-Look!

-Eh?

You all right, cockers?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What are they doing now?

Well, they're trained to cheer at every popular catchphrase.

Really?

Yes, Mr Hacker.

CHEERING

I'll fire up the van!

CHEERING

Whoo-hoo!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Oh, no.

Oh...

Never mind.

They will laugh whenever we do something funny.

Well, here's a joke then.

What's green, smelly

and can't produce a programme to save its life?

I have no idea.

Derek.

LAUGHTER

Very good, Lorraine, very good.

But I think they'll laugh even louder at some slapstick comedy.

Herman, slap me with that fish.

SQUELCH

Oh, they're not reacting.

Fish slap me again.

SQUELCH

Nothing. And again!

SMACK Oh!

LAUGHTER I'm seriously injured.

LAUGHTER

Hey, you lot, I'm in a great deal of pain!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Somebody stop them laughing!

Very well - here's today's episode of Hacker Time.

AUDIENCE HISSES That's better. Whoo-hoo!

Oh! Stop!

Oh, me everything!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# You're gonna watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you

# So hard, makes me say

# Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show you can't touch

-# Stop!

-Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone.

We're on air in five,

four, three,

two, one...

LAUGHTER

Cue, Larry.

Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your sets.

He really is that disgusting!

It's Hacker T Dog!

-APPLAUSE

-You all right, cockers? Hey, hey!

I'm pleased to say that today's guest is a highly respected

broadcaster with a glittering televisual career.

Hello!

Not you, Yonko! Go away!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Don't show him any pity, will you?

As I was saying, today's guest is a real presenter

who does wildlife shows, or something.

He's on his way now.

HE YELPS WITH EXCITEMENT

PHONE RINGS Hi, Tim Warwood here

-to do a wildlife show or something.

-Oh, sounds great.

-Step this way, Mr...

-Warwood, actually.

We need a new photograph for your ID badge.

No, I'm all right. I think I've got one.

-Get in the booth, in the booth. Go on, sir.

-Really? OK.

Shut those curtains. Shut 'em. Shut 'em tight.

Get inside. Yeah. Doors, doors, please.

Tim Warwood. Ah...

-BUZZ

-Down.

LAUGHTER

SIRENS BLARE Let me out of here!

HACKER HUMS

Please, welcome today's special guest,

wildlife presenter Tim Warwood!

HE SCREAMS

Yeah, I'm fine, absolutely fine.

Welcome to Hacker Time, Tim Warwood!

No, absolutely no way. I'm not doing this, no.

But, Tim, War-wouldn't you do it?

Because of that, because of all the jokes that you always do.

All right, all right, Tim.

I promise to stop with the jokes.

Do you? All right. I'll stay.

-HACKER CHUCKLES

-WARWOOD I stop?!

Derek, WARWOOD you do the honours and play the fact file?

I carried on in your honour, sir.

Certainly, my little owl.

Warwood!

Tim Warwood presents CBBC's Wild and Wild And Weird.

He can also turn his thumb into a rat. Hm...

Tim used to be a top snowboarder,

but now he's too old for all that stuff.

Tim once forgot he was on TV and ran into the studio mid-shower.

Still, nothing's as bad as the time he turned up

dressed as a caterpillar construction worker.

And he's always sat next to Naomi.

That's all you need to know about Tim Warwood!

Wow! That was your life!

I've never seen anything so dull and harrowing in equal measure.

Hello!

Get out, Yonks!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

And stop pitying him, will you?

Tim, WARWOOD you like to see what's coming up?

-Yeah, go on.

-Hurrah.

Lazza, do the honours, me old mucka!

Get ready to laugh like a hyena and cry like an upset swan,

because today's Hacker Time

is all about wildlife!

WARWOOD he do this?

Whoa.

WARWOOD she do that?

THEY GRUNT

And WARWOOD anyone watch this?

Oh, War-wouldn't you like to know?

Looks almost bearable, doesn't it, thingy?

It's Tim, actually.

Now, may I now stuff a series of questions into your withered

-old ears, Tom?

-Tim. Go on, yeah.

Question one - what is wildlife?

It's everything, isn't it? Animals, insects...

No!

I think you'll find THIS is wildlife.

DANCE MUSIC POUNDS

HORN BLARES

Yes, yes, yes. There you go.

Much better than that boring wildlife that you're always

-harping on about, don't you think?

-Not really.

-I mean, well, different tastes, I suppose.

-Well...

Now, Tim, you've seen lots of animals, haven't you?

Gorillas, tigers, even rabbits.

Speaking of which,

do you remember that time you spotted the world's wildest hare?

Erm...not really.

LAUGHTER Yeah, I do.

-It's Radzi's hair.

-Radzi's hair.

Yeah, he should use a dry shampoo, shouldn't he?

-Yeah.

-How dare you?

I'll have you know I'm the world's wildest hare

and I resent there being any suggestion otherwise. Hm!

-Ooh! What a wild hare!

-Blimey.

Tim, what's the scariest creature on the planet?

Is it Naomi Wilkinson before she's had her mandatory

full English breakfast?

-Look at her there.

-Oh, yeah, I think it might be.

-LAUGHTER

-Seriously though,

what is the scariest creature on the planet?

Ooh, erm...

definitely a great white shark.

Well, it's your lucky day, Tom, because we've got one here now!

What?

Whoa!

Don't worry, it's only Herman with a fin on his head.

-HE SIGHS

-Oh, no, not me, Mr Hacker.

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

-But if it's not Herman, then...

THEY GASP

It's me.

What do you think about me new quiff?

That's the weirdest hair I've ever seen.

How dare you?

I'll have you know I'm the weirdest hare you've ever seen.

Oh, yeah? Just how weird?

I'm going to stack your dishwasher in an unconventional fashion. Hm!

Ooh! How very War-weird.

Anyway, the joke's on him, cos I never wash my dishes!

Now, Tim, you're also interested in winter sports, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-But which one's your favourite?

Definitely snowboarding.

-Snowboarding.

-Yeah.

While you're here, would you like to find out the results of the curling?

-Yeah, why not.

-Very well.

Wilf, what are the results of the curling?

See for yourself.

I've had a perm done to get rid of that terrible quiff.

Now, cocker, that brings us to the end of the interview.

I can't believe we got through it

-without something disastrous happening.

-I know.

Oh...

Don't worry about it, Tim, you'll be fine. It's Herman this time.

-Yeah.

-No, it's not.

He's gone down to the hairdressers to watch the curling.

Then that means...

THEY SCREECH

Shark! Shark!

Shark!

Wait! Where did everybody go?

I only wanted to show off my new quiff.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Stop pitying him, will you?!

Larry, cut to something else! What a mess.

Put on your dancing shoes, because it's time for

The Next Step...But One.

I can't believe it,

Emma-Lee is actually looking at me.

You're the most handsome guy I've ever seen.

Would you like to grab a juice with me?

Oh, of course I would, darling.

Mine is a turnip smoothie.

Good choice.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, just look at him.

I've got butterflies in my stomach.

Oh, well that's because you've been eating butterflies.

LAUGHTER

Eddon, there's something I have to say.

I,

O...

I...

I...

-E, O...

-Well done.

You've passed your eye test.

Great.

Oh, by the way,

I love you.

A?

Well done, you've passed your eye test, too.

# We'll show the world our moves

# It's going

# It's going

# It's going to be our chance

# It's going to be our chance

# But none of us can dance

# None of us can dance. #

When Rochelle said she loved me, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Rochelle, you've just said you love me

and I can't believe what I'm hearing.

When Eddon said he couldn't believe what he was hearing after

-I said I loved him, I couldn't believe what

-I

-was hearing!

Eddon, you said you can't believe

what you're hearing after I said I loved you,

but now I can't believe what I'm hearing after you just said

you can't believe what you're hearing after I said I love you...

Can we move the story along, please?

It's getting a little bit much, innit?

OK. Eddon, will you go out with me?

You've got the most lustrous hairs, haven't you?

I suppose the answer has to be...yes.

Ugh, what did he say?!

Does this mean we're actually seeing each other?

Yes, I can confirm that you're both

seeing each other very clearly. Ha-ha.

Why is there even an optician in here?

# Another one bites the dust - oww! #

SHE GIGGLES

More turnip smoothie, honey, bunny, sugar lump?

No, thanks, snuggly, wuggly, fuzzy, wuzzy, rainbow, kitten...face.

So I walk in and see those two canoodling,

and it instantly makes me sick!

-There's your turnip smoothie.

-Thanks. Now to vomit.

-Emma-Lee, do you have a problem with our relationship?

-Well, duh!

Everyone knows that I'm in love with Eddon.

SHE GASPS

You are?

Ohh, I couldn't have made it clearer.

Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?

HACKER OINKS

Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?

HACKER SNORTS AND YAPS

Emma-Lee, will you go out with me?

HACKER SNORTS AND RETCHES

Woo-woo! Mahhh!

HACKER CAWS

Cuckoo!

See? Could not have made it clearer.

Well, you can't have him, he is mine.

THEY OINK

HACKER CAWS AND SHRIEKS

So Emma-Lee's like... HE OINKS

And Michelle's like... HE OINKS

And Emma-Lee's like... HE OINKS

And Michelle's like... HE OINKS

And I'm like, "I have to do something."

Girls, please! There's only one way to settle this.

I will have to pick the one that I think is the most beautiful.

THEY GASP

-HACKER COUGHS

-Excuse me.

Cheating, that.

So, who is the most beautiful?

It definitely has to be...

you. ROCHELLE GASPS

You're gorgeous. Fancy a turnip smoothie?

Oh, darling... you had me at "turnip."

ALL: Awww.

-BELL RINGS

-Well done, you've all passed.

Oh, it gets worse. Ooh, let's watch something on YouBend.

Oh, I know, we can watch that Hacker Time mashup.

It's trending all over the web. I love a good mashup -

with a pie. Hoo-hoo!

No, Derek, it's nothing to do with a pie and mash,

it's a mashup of clips of Hacker Time.

I know, I like to watch mashups with a pie!

SMOOCH

Stick it on.

Today's show... Is 15%... Utter rubbish.

15%... Hideous! The rest of the show...

-Is stupid...unfunny...

-Hurrah!

-..and totally one-dimensional.

-Wooo!

-And worst of all...

-He's just so, you know, "Nneagh!"

Nneagh! Nneagh!

-I'm sorry...

-We have to get rid of him.

-Moving on.

-PARP

-It's basic comedy, this.

PARP

This is awkward. Oh, me privets!

-I don't get it.

-That was really well done, that, wasn't it?

-That's the most sense he's ever made.

-Exactly, ho-ho. Now, to eat me pie.

Ooh-ooh-ooh, I've burnt me tongue!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER SOUND EFFECT

Stop laughing. Stop laughing at my pain. Stop it! It really hurts.

Timothy, why haven't I ever been on one of your wildlife shows?

Well, you are a tame dog, aren't you?

TAME?! I don't know what that word means.

However, I do often wish I was a more exciting creature.

KEYBOARD RIFF

# My life is so banal

# I'm constantly upset

# Just a dull domestic pet

# I'm so common if only I could change

# And find some inner peace

# As a more exotic beast

# Like a hippo or a whale

# Maybe a rhino, goose or snail

# A gibbon or a northern bobwhite quail... #

HE MOUTHS

# Or a stoat! Yes, a stoat!

# Then I'd bound across the heath

# Have a vicious set of teeth

# And sleep in an open habitat

# A black tip on my tail

# And weird mouse-like ears

# An otter's face and a lifespan of five years

# Just five years. #

And that's why my life would so much better as a stoat.

Imagine living for a whole, glorious five years.

-Yeah, but how old are you?

-I'm six.

Oh, yeah, stoats are rubbish, aren't they?

Come here, you stinking wretch!

HE GROWLS

-STOAT TOY SQUEAKS

-Ooh.

Larry, tell us what other muck's coming up.

Certainly, Hacker. This is the show that just keeps giving...

you nightmares! Things are getting wild with Tim and Hacker.

Why wouldn't they?

There's a lesson to be learned at Flemsbury High.

And don't miss the quiz finale. Why would you?

"Why would you", ha.

That looks awful.

Now, Tim, you're a man with a face, and indeed some eyes,

but whom is the real Tim Warwood?

Well, it's a deep question really...

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Oh, lunchtime!

Not interested, cocker, good day to ye.

I hope it's napkins instead of serviettes today.

I'm hungry.

Wilf, food sales are down.

And, what with your endless parade of new hairdos,

we could go out of business!

Don't worry, my sweet, I've introduced a new taster menu - look.

Mmm, it's less cardboardy than the last one.

Oh, Mrs Breadbin, a taster menu is a series of small courses

at extremely high prices.

We only need one mug - I mean customer -

and we'll be back in bwizness.

-Oh, here's one.

-Hello, mug - I mean, customer.

Oh, no, you were right, my name is Mug,

and I'm also incredibly gullible.

In that case, you'll love our new taster menu.

Oh, well, I hope it's less cardboardy than the last one.

OK, here's your pre-starter starter, your pre-starter,

your starter starter, your starter for ten,

you're under starter's orders, and you're off!

Literally.

Your post-starter, your post post-starter,

your post which got redirected here and a fence post.

I varnished it meself.

Your main course, minor course, major course...

And your training course - on how to hold a large stack of plates.

Just give it a little tidy up, dear, that's it.

-It's looking good, that, yeah. Smashing.

-Here you go.

-Enjoy your meal.

-Aaaargh!

Oh, he should have paid more attention to that training course.

Never mind that, he's broken all me plates.

How am I going to feed the studio audience?

JEERING

I'll fire up the van.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

And now, we present Tim and Hacker in Wild and Weirdo!

SCREECH

You know, Hacker, there is nothing better than being

in the middle of the desert.

Oh, I finished my dessert ages ago.

I'm already on my post dessert, pre-after-dinner mint.

HE SNIFFS

-No! I said desert, not dessert.

-All right, sorry.

-What are we doing here again?

-We're on the hunt for big game.

Have you seen any?

Yes, I've got this giant box of snakes and ladders here, cocker.

Look at that little beauty.

Not that big game. I was talking more rhinos and elephants.

I've got that as well, they were two-for-one.

-I've got that one, look.

-What?

-All in the same deal.

-No.

I'll tell you what - giraffes. Let's look out for giraffes, yeah?

I've got that as well, look. Draughts.

I've got draughts with me,

look, I always carry it,

-I've got draughts.

-Not draughts, I'm talking giraffes.

-Draughts.

-Giraffes!

-Oh, right.

-Enough.

-Why don't you take a look through your binoculars?

-Very well!

-GASPS:

-I don't believe it!

-I can see it so clearly.

-What? What is it?

-Is it a crocodile, a zebra, a hippopotamus?

-No.

The lens cap of the binoculars.

-Oh. Here you go.

-Thank you.

-Try that.

-Right, cheers.

-Look again.

-DINGO!

Dingo! A real one? You can see a dingo?

No, I got a full house in bingo and I forgot how to spell. Ha!

-Just have another look.

-All right.

HE GASPS

-Lion!

-Really? You can see a lion?

No, I was lying about getting a full house in dingo. I was missing 88.

Eugh! He's right. I actually got

-a full house.

-Did you?

No. I was lying.

-Were you?

-No, I was lying about that.

-Oh, were you?

Look, I don't know what the truth is any more. Bye!

HE GASPS

-What?

-What is that on the floor there?

Agh! Oh, look at that.

Unbelievable. That right there is the egg of the mystical wacka wacka bird.

It's a very rare artefact, you know.

We should guard it with our lives. EGG CRACKS

-Do you understand me?

-What was that?

Sorry, I didn't hear what you were saying there, cocker,

I was busy frying this priceless egg.

Listen, the wacka wacka bird

can't be far away.

We should hide in some camouflage, Hacker.

Hacker? Hacker?

Wow. That is good camouflage. I can't even see you.

I know! These gaudy feathers really blend into this arid landscape.

-Hacker!

-What?

The bird's going to see you dressed like that

and it's going to be furious about that egg.

HE GASPS

-Here it is.

-Agh!

-Oi, you.

-Yes?

-I want a word with you.

-Yes?

-And I want a straight answer.

-Y-Y-Yes!

Would you like to play a friendly game of Rhinos and Elephants

-with me?

-Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

CHEERING

By the way, have you seen my egg?

-Yes! He took it!

-What?

Right, you come here!

Go on, you. Give him what for...

And now, it's the moment you haven't been waiting for,

it's the Quarter Past 4 o'clock Club.

BELL RINGS

Oh, I love geography!

There's nowt more enjoyable than baking a nice juicy flan.

Josh, you're thinking about food technology.

Geography is all about the Earth - volcanoes, oceans,

gross national product.

-It's got nothing to do with flans.

-Geography?

Pah!

# This subject makes me sick, I'm sweating and shaking

# Who cares about the latitude of Copenhagen?

# I don't see the point of the Brazilian plateau

# When I could be baking a Black Forest gateau

# Get with the programme, don't be a potato

# Geography is great, think about the Equator

# It's 25,000 miles in length

# And wait till we've covered igneous rock strength

# Stop going on about clouds and rain

# Sedimentary rock formation's a world of pain

# I can't stand this field of study, Capiche?

# Let's learn something useful like how to make quiche

# Oh, quiche Lorraine!

# Or the three climate zones of Spain

# A baked Florentine

# Or the San Andreas fault line

# Don't want to learn the contour lines of North Moldova

# I'd rather reach the summit of a huge Pavlova

# Josh, this is silly, geography's the best

# Besides all that, you've got a test

# Pah! It's boring, I'd rather bake

# But you need to know about an oxbow lake

# Or the atmosphere and how it's thinned

# Or ask yourself, why do we have wind? #

PHRRT!

Oh! It's all those pastry products, if I'm honest.

Reet, I'm off to food technology.

I can't wait to learn about the planet. GOOD DAY!

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen,

hold onto your hats as we come to the gripping climax of today's show.

The quiz that we like to call...

Sit on the Lav Lav and Answer Some Questions.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FLUSHING

Yes, Tim, the rules of this game are bog standard. It's good, that.

All you have to do is...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FLUSHING

..sit on the lav lav and answer some questions.

How does it feel being sat upon my throne, cocker?

-Good, yes, it's nice. Warm.

-Still warm, innit?

The time will end when you hear this sound.

Hello!

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

In that case, start the clock.

-Name a garden bird.

-A robin.

No, it was Terry.

Complete the title of this show.

-Naomi's Nightmares of...

-Nature.

No, Nantwich. Ha!

Herman has disguised this bird of prey as a popular singer.

-But who is it?

-Er...

Er, Peter Andre?

Incorrect.

It's obvious who it is, it's Owl-ie Murs.

Oh!

Go away, Herman and take that filth with you.

Please say hello to my old friend and confidant, Acky G!

# It's Accordion George Acky G, G, G. #

The big George,

good old Acky G and his big juicy acc!

Acky G is about to play a famous tune on his lovely bulbous acc,

but what is it?

Take it away, Acky G.

HE PLAYS "SUGAR" BY MAROON 5

Well, it sounds like you haven't played that for 25 years, cocker,

but, Tim, what was Acky G portraying on his acc?

Er... Er...

# Nothing gonna go my way. #

-I don't know.

-You've no idea, have you, cocker?

-No.

I didn't think you would, it was dreadful.

Let's find out what it was, please.

-"SUGAR" BY MAROON 5 PLAYS

-Yeah!

Come on, G, dance, cocker.

-Come on, G.

-I should have known this one.

# The big G Acky G

-# He's a big old G... #

-MUSIC STOPS

He was slightly out...

It was Sugar by Maroon 5. I'm not surprised you didn't get it.

He was slightly out of time, it threw me.

-Yeah, well, he was dreadful, wasn't he, cocker?

-Well...

-Acky G, go away!

Go on, get your acc out of me sight, I'm sick of seeing it.

-Good, though.

-Take your stool with you.

-He always brings that stool with him.

-Does he?

I don't know what he's thinking! Now, complete this phrase.

-I'm having a what of a time?

-Whale!

All right, then.

-WAILS:

-I said, complete this phrase...

Hello!

Time's up. That means you've won tonight's star prize.

A used piece of chewing gum! Only six previous owners.

What do you think about that, cocker?

Mmm, not so appealing really but thank you all the same. I'll take it.

My pleasure, yes. Well, it's your lucky day, cocker.

-Because you've also won an holiday!

-Really? A holiday?

A once-in-a-lifetime trip to the drains beneath this very studio.

-Any last words before you go?

-Well, thank you to...

Hey-hey! Herman, flush him away!

FLUSHING HE SCREAMS

Ha-ha-ha!

What a lovely person. I wonder who she was.

Reet, I'm off to get me nets cleaned at the dry cleaner's.

But first, I shall sing my final ditty. Join in, me old cockers!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff

# It will be top drawer

# My guest today was Tim Warwood our chat was quite absurd

# We had some very hairy jokes

# And then poor old Tim got chased away by the wacka wacka bird

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

-I wish I had my own show.

-ALL: Aw!

Don't show him any pity!