Sonia Hacker Time

Hacker Time was invented by Henry VIII to annoy Catherine of Aragon!

Just look at all these bills. It's no use, Lolly.

We're going to have to sell the house.

But, Derek, the place is a tip! Nobody will buy this old wreck.

Nonsense! It's a palace! It's got a fitted kitchen!

Even comes with a dishwasher.

Oh, my hands are like withered kippers! Ha!

-And don't forget the gas-fired central heating.

-Yeah!

I'll fire up the gas!

-PHRRT!

-Oh!

And of course, the master bedroom's very light and airy.

That's because the roof's blown off!

Yes. Ha!

Sorry, that was the gas-fired central heating again.

PHRRT!

Oh, yeah!

Now, all we need to do is find some buffoon daft enough to buy

-this place.

-Who would do such a thing?

Nobody in their right mind would ever do that.

I'd like to buy this house you've just put

up for sale for £100 million! Ha-ha!

For some reason, it really reminds me of home.

Has anyone got £100 million?

-Er, no.

-But how am I going to pay for the new house? I know.

-Let's sell this place.

-Well, but we're selling it anyway.

Well, sell it again! And it's freezing in here. Wilf, sort it out.

HE STRAINS

Oh, I've run out of natural gas!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone.

We're on air in five,

four,

-three...

-HE COUGHS

..two,

one...

-Bingo!

-Cue Larry.

Get ready to laugh and cry on the rollercoaster

of love that is Hacker T Dog!

You all right, cockers?

Things have been a bit tight round here

since some mooey paid over the odds on a new house.

So I'm going to get my lavish lifestyle

I require by being a pop star.

And pop stars need number one hits.

-Herman, get in here!

-Yes, Mr Hacker?

-Oh!

-There y'are.

-Will there be anything else, Mr Hacker?

Not for now. Just be thankful I didn't hit you with a number two.

-Huh?

-Because it's really, really heavy.

-Oh, thank goodness.

I thought he was being rude then. But he was just hitting Herman.

It's fine, then.

Let's meet today's guest, who is a really top-notch musical star!

Hi. I'm the pop singer Sonia and I'm here to do some top-notch singing.

That might be the case but I need

both your names for the pass, Miss Sonia, get in the booth.

-I'm not Miss Sonia...

-In the booth! Go on, get in. Shut the curtains.

Doors!

Ah! Down! Hehe!

SHE SCREAMS

Ba-da-da-dee...

SHE CONTINUES TO SCREAM

Please welcome the singing sensation and superstar of the stage,

it's Sonia!

-Ah!

-Yay! Welcome to Hacker Time, Sonia.

-Oh, I tell you what, I'm not staying here!

-But, Sonia, stay!

If you do stay, I'll show you how to have a number one hit.

Oh, that's useless, isn't it? Because I've already had one.

I knew you'd say that. You singers are obsessed with number ones!

-Hey, Herman, get in here, come on.

-Coming, Mr Hacker.

-Hurry up, Herman.

-Watch this.

-Uh!

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm top of the props!

It's funny because I've hit Herman with a prop.

Top Of The Pops was a music show and Sonia is a singer,

-it works on every level!

-That wasn't smart, clever or funny.

Ah, well done, Sonia. You've got the measure of us.

You understand the show perfectly. Derek, the fact file, if you will.

Yes, Hacker. I hope he doesn't give me a number one hit.

PLAYS TUNE

Sonia is a British singing sensation and star of the stage.

Her first song went to number one in 1989. Oh, it's a classic, hoo-hoo!

She also had a hit with Listen To Your Heart later that year.

# Listen to your heart... #

Maybe she should have listened to her stylist.

Sonia also came second in the Eurovision Song Contest in 1993.

And that's all you need to know about our Sonia.

Just imagine being a singer, a dancer and a TV star.

Adored by millions, especially in the north-west of England.

Oh, it's marvellous. Carry on, carry on.

I wasn't talking about you, I want you to imagine me

because I'm all of those things and more!

This is going to be a long show.

Larry, be a love and move things along, will you?

-SCARY VOICE:

-I meant me!

Stay tuned as Sonia keeps us entertained

and there is all this, too.

Coming up, if you love music then we can only apologise now...

HE WARBLES

-Will Hacker T Dog learn how to have a hit?

-What could be simpler?

And what's up with Josh?

I'm full of melancholy.

He must be a fan of this show. It's Hacker Time!

Now, Sonia, before we start let's set the scene.

You're a singer with a load of hit songs and you have even

represented Britain in Eurovision, so here's the burning question.

-Where are you from? I'm guessing Greenland.

-Oh!

No, I'm from Liverpool. But I did live in Skelmersdale for a while.

The town of Skelmersdale in the north-west of England?

I do believe that's a Wigan postcode, me old china.

You're from my neck of the woods!

-Oh!

-Hey, we're probably related, aren't we, cocker?

Did anybody in your family run a shop?

You know, they did actually, yes.

Well, my uncle's stepbrother's rabbit's favourite auntie

-used to run a place.

-Was it the chip shop?

-Yeah!

-The one with the green door.

-Yes!

-And it sold little miniature replica ice cream vans as a sideline.

-Yes!

That's so specific, it must be the same place

and the owner of the shop was called...

-Mildred.

-Never heard of her.

Even though you abandoned your "Wigonian" roots,

there's something I need to tell you.

# You'll never stop me from loving you... #

Little blast of your biggest hit there, Son',

what do you think of that then?

I think it was fab, yes, great, groovy.

Ha! So, Sonia, I've got a bone to pick with you.

Do you know that song you did called Listen To Your Heart?

Mmm-hm. I believe it contained duff advice, madam. Listen.

# Just listen to your heart

# That's what they say

# Listen to your heart

# You'll be OK... #

Well, I took your advice, madam, and I listened to my heart

and it told me to invest all of my capital in turnips.

So I'm reporting you to the local ombudsman.

Now, number one, I'm fully chartered by the Financial Services Authority.

And number two,

I warned you that investments can go down as well as up.

Oh, stop beating on and get out! Go on!

Now, I want to talk to you about your crib, your house,

your gaff, because you're a singer.

Do you live in "A flat"?

Oh!

Come on, "B sharp", give me an answer. What's the matter?

Cat got your C augmented diminished fifth?

Anyway, in unrelated news, I'm a bit peckish, cocker.

Could you pass me that delicious meat paste sandwich?

You may as well help yourself too, it's all you're getting today.

-What's this?

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

Jam?!

Jam?! I won't eat this filth!

Sonia, have you devoured my delicious meat paste sandwiches?

You know, that's the kind of unforgivable mistake that

I'd normally have you escorted off the premises for. But...

# You'll never stop me

# From loving you... #

-You're crazy, but I love you.

-Oh, thanks.

So, Sonia, do you have a vocal coach?

-Er, no, actually.

-Me neither, but I have got a very chatty minibus.

Look.

Oh, yes, well, I said to him, "Oh, no," and then he looked at me

and I went, "Well, I don't know, dearie..."

CRASH!

I told you he was chatty.

Now, your debut album back in 1990,

when Derek was still quite old, ha, produced five top 20 singles.

What were they called?

Erm, Listen To Your Heart, End Of The World, Counting Every Single Minute.

Oh, I know how you feel, love,

I'm counting every single minute of this interview.

-How rude!

-Oh! You can't call your host rude.

Why, I should have you escorted off the premises for this!

But I won't, Sonia, me old love, because...

# You'll never stop me

# From loving you... #

-Ha-ha! Now, Sonia, I'm a huge fan of the Eurovision thing.

-Oh.

I nearly represented the UK in Eurovision too.

# Tins of meaty goodness... #

APPLAUSE

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Hacker, that was perfect.

Soulful and bang on trend, which is

why we won't be putting you forward for Eurovision.

-I'm afraid you are far too good for that.

-I'm livid! Livid!

I even rented a microphone.

And the sign!

-So, Sonia, have you enjoyed all of my jokes so far?

-Er, not really, no.

What, even the ones where I do this?

# You'll never stop me

# From loving you... #

It's true, Sonia, you never will. Never! You never will, Sonia!

-Aw!

-Larry, what's next?

Put on your dancing shoes, because it's time for The Next Step But One.

Things have never been better in Z Troupe.

Adam's broken leg is finally on the mend.

Well, that's my chair fixed.

Now...to dance!

After months of struggling, Derek's finally got into a regular routine.

Thanks to all these prune smoothies,

-I've never been so regular!

-PHRRT!

Ooh, excuse me!

And as for Emma-Lee, she's actually being nice to Rochelle.

-I value you as a person.

-I also value you as a person!

Well, I value you as a person more!

-No, I value you as a person more.

-Look, love,

I value you as a person more and that's the end of it!

You value-less non-person!

So, all in all,

everything's brilliant.

Nothing could possibly go wrong now!

PHRRT! Oh!

# We'll show the world our moves

# It's gonna, it's gonna

# It's gonna be OK!

# We're going to be outcasts

# Cos none of us can dance

# None of us can dance! #

So, things are going really well between Rochelle and me.

Now, you listen here,

I was the first one to value you as a person more.

So don't you tell me that you value me as a person more than

I value you as a person, more!

But I was only saying that I value you as a person more

because I was unaware of how much you value me

as a person more than I value you as a person, more.

Like I say, things are going really well between Rochelle and me.

Hang on a minute! Why are you filming him filming me?

You're just jealous because I'm the one who's always in the spotlight!

SPOTLIGHT CRANKS

-See?

-Don't worry. I'll sort this.

-Eddon, be careful, don't fall and break your leg.

-I won't!

HE SCREAMS

Eddon! Eddon, are you all right?

I'm fine. I just dropped this identically dressed dummy

off the balcony for no apparent reason. Ha!

Break my leg indeed.

CRASH! HE SCREAMS

< I've broken my leg!

-My chair leg again. Who left that there?

-You did, you fool!

-Oh, yeah!

After everything was looking so rosy, we finally reached crisis point.

Emma-Lee and Rochelle were still arguing.

I think we should just agree to disagree. Don't you agree?

I disagree to agree to disagree. Don't you agree?

I disagree.

SHE LAUGHS

Derek's problem is getting way out of hand.

PHRRT!

Oh! I'm so sorry about that.

And as for Eddon...

Oh! Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

-This dummy is ideal for hanging all my chair leg bandages on.

-Oh...

But I have broken my arm!

THEY GASP

The arm of my chair. I must have fallen over it with some force.

I can't take any more of this show!

I'm leaving Z Troupe!

ALL GASP

-No, I can't go.

-Why? Are you too emotional?

-No.

I've got no thumbs to open the door with. I literally can't go.

I can't go either.

ALL GASP

Why? Are you too emotional?

No, I've actually broken my leg. I tripped over my dummy, look.

Well, I can't go either!

ALL GASP

-Why? Are you too emotional?

-No.

I just can't go. I don't have enough fibre in my diet.

Prune smoothie? Hoo-hoo!

PHRRT!

Oh, what a load of old tat!

-Here, Lolly, you look a bit different today.

-Oh! Oh, Derek.

Thanks for noticing.

-I've just restyled my hair.

-No.

-You're blue!

-I've always been blue.

I've been getting some style tips from a new blogger on YouBend,

look, look.

Hello, loves, Cruella here. New intro there, very nice.

Today, darlings, I'm going to show you how to get some

volume on your locks like me.

No, not that sort of volume!

This volume - bouncy, bouncy hair time.

It's all about this stuff - goose fat - get a nice handful

of goose fat, scrape it out and rub it into your locks like that.

Oh, how disgusting! Goose fat? That's the last time I watch her!

-I'll never put goose fat on my hair.

-I know. I put it on my hands.

It's full of essential vitamins for your cuticles. Hee-hee!

Now, I must move this priceless Ming vase.

SMASH!

Oh, what a mooey!

Mmm!

Now, Sonia, I do have a bit of a crush on you.

But we need to straighten something out.

This moving to Skelmersdale from Liverpool business.

-It's just not going to fly.

-What do you mean?

Allow me to make my points with synthesiser music

from the early '80s. It's reet up your street, cocker.

# Lovely Son-i-ayyy

# My heart beats for thee

# Ever since I was a pup I've loved you

# Tell me, do you love me?

# It was Skelmersdale where you used to be

# It is practically in Wigan but you never popped round for tea

# Sonia

# Thinking about you's giving me insomnia

# You lived so close to my home

# Even had a Wigan postcode

# But you never picked up the phone

# Oh, Sonia

# I've always had feelings for you

# And we only lived a few miles apart but despite me

# Not being born when you lived there

# And overlooking the fact it was before you were famous

# Let's not spoil the narrative of this song

# Of this day

# I have always dreamed

# But you could have made a call from your house

# And talked to me in Scouse

# Darling, Son-i-ayy

# Our love goes to waste

# I was waiting here for you to arrive

# Down the M58

# You are two-faced! #

So, as you can see, we can never see eye to eye to eye,

because you never bothered to get in touch with me.

-What was all that about?

-Weren't you paying attention?

You weren't paying attention! Larry, can you believe it?

She wasn't paying attention!

Ha, so then I was like, no way, but he was like, way. Ha!

Oh, er, sorry, Hacker, I wasn't paying attention.

Here's still what is to come next on the show. Yeah.

OK, what does it say here? Oh, yeah. Our Sonia gets tough.

Listen, Hacker, it's time to show me what you've got.

And our Hacker gets tougher.

You've hurt me deeply there, our Sonia.

Even watching it is tough!

Oh, Sonia, I'm glad we've got a minute actually

because there's something very important I want to ask you about

-the music industry and your role in it as a hit recording artist.

-OK.

What I want to know is, what is music?

Oh, music is a wonderful thing... BELL RINGS

Saved by the bell, eh!

I still want a full answer when I return, though.

I hope they have cleaned the cruet.

Hacker?

I'm a bit peckish. I wonder where those jam sarnies have gone.

Wilf, we need to speed up our service.

Fast food means more customers served, more money,

so just do things quicker.

-Follow the script and you'll be fine.

-All right.

Hello, sir or madam, welcome to Faster Feeds,

how would you like to eat today?

-Well, I'm in a rush, so something fast.

-The lamb is really fast.

-I can't catch it.

-Bahh!

-I'll just have the special.

-Good choice, sir.

And there is a free gift with every meal. Enjoy your meal.

Where's my free gift?

-Er, the only thing I've got is this meal.

-Perfect, I'll have that.

-Thank you.

-Can I order the sadness dinner instead, please?

-Oh, would you like to mega-size that?

-How much more do you get?

It's an extra four quid but the meal is the same.

Oh, well, it doesn't seem like good value.

-Well, I can slenderise your meal if you prefer?

-That sounds reasonable.

-What's that?

-I'll reduce the size of the meal for you,

-all for the same price.

-That doesn't seem fair at all!

Why do you think it's called the sadness dinner?

-Oh, this place is a joke, I'm leaving!

-Have a nice day, sir.

Wait. Ha!

That meaningful and thoughtful phrase changes everything.

This has been the best meal of my life.

-It's been a great success, my darling.

-Apart from one thing.

What's that?

We were that fast selling the fast food, we forgot to charge anyone.

I'll fire up the van.

And sell the house. Again.

-Oh...

-BELL RINGS

Hacker Time is proud to present Singin' With Sonia.

Right, Hacker, I'm going to teach you how to have a hit record.

-We're going to release a single.

-I'm always releasing singles.

PHRRT!

In fact, I'm thinking of releasing a double.

Oh, please don't!

You're all right, cocker, I won't, I'm waiting to release it

-so it has maximum impact.

-Can't we just get on with this?

But I've not made a joke about downloads yet.

Listen, Hacker, it's time to show me what you've got. Come on.

-Listen to this.

-Go on.

-MUSIC STARTS

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

# Lollipop... # MUSIC STOPS

Ooh!

Now, listen, all I need you to do is say the last lollipop. OK?

-You come in on the last lollipop.

-OK, let's do it!

Hit it!

MUSIC STARTS

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

-BACKING VOCAL:

-# Lollipop. #

You didn't sing!

Oh, sorry, I got distracted.

Oh, the next time we sing it, I'll point to you

and when I point to you, you sing lollipop, OK?

What could be simpler?

MUSIC STARTS

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

-BACKING VOCAL:

-# Lollipop. #

Hm? Er, lollipop?

SHE SIGHS

# Lollipop, lollipop... #

LOLLIPOP!

# Oh, lolly, lolly, lolly...

Bunny hop! Hey!

# Oh, lolly, lolly... MUSIC STOPS

-Er, did someone say Lolly?

-Not you, Lollipop!

Listen, Hacker, we're going to have to change this whole thing round.

-Right.

-You do the first bit and I'll do the end, OK?

-Yes.

-Music.

MUSIC STARTS

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly... #

That was brilliant, that!

I know I was brilliant, but you missed your cue. Amateur.

Charming!

Get ready to be mildly disappointed,

it's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!

BELL RINGS

# Cos it's beautiful, that's what it is

# Cos it's beautiful, that's what it is... #

-Hey, Josh.

-I don't know what you're so happy about.

-I'm full of melancholy.

-Why?

Oh, let me inform you...

via the medium of song.

MUSIC STARTS

# Oh, what a horrible, grim day

# I don't care what anybody has to say

# I feel like a withered balloon

# Floating around in this dull classroom

# Josh, for you I feel so sorry

# You should be feeling fresh like a windowless conservatory

# When you're feeling melancholy

# Dance down the street like a total wally

# Your positive ways make me want to gip

# Dancing down the street - pah! I hope you slip

# Why act like an upbeat clown?

# The only time I'm happy is when I'm feeling down

# Put your hands together, clap and be proud

# Don't spend your days living under a cloud

# Look upon the world in a sunshiny way

# Shuffle and shimmy your sadness away... #

Come on, clap! Ha-ha, that's right.

Clap.

# Who is this chap? I'm melancholy

# And that's a fact! Yeah! #

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most ground-breaking,

extraordinary quiz you've ever seen, it's the item we like to call...

Sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FLUSHING

Sonia, this game is as simple as it comes. All you've got to do is...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FLUSHING

..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

It feels quite wonderful, actually. It's quite comfy.

-And still warm, innit?

-Yeah.

The time will end when you hear this sound.

I weigh 1.2 kilos in case you wondered.

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

In that case, start the clock.

What is a demi, semi, hemi, demi, semiquaver?

Oh, I haven't got a clue.

In actual fact, scientists have yet to work out what it means

but it's summat to do with shipping. Ha-ha!

Next question, I know that you can write music but can you read music?

Music.

Oh, I can't tell you if you're right or wrong, Sonia, I can't read music.

Ha! Take it down.

That's it. Now, complete this title of this song by you.

Say Goodbye To - what?

Say Goodbye To Me.

All right, then. Goodbye. Now, what's your answer?

Oh, forget it. Complete the title of this song by you.

Can't Forget - what?

-Can't Forget You.

-I'm sorry, I forgot the answer.

Ha-ha! What's that smell?

You.

You've hurt me deeply there, our Sonia. But luckily...

# You'll never stop me

# From loving you... #

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ha!

Now, the next question requires help from my chum and yours, Herman.

Here he is, look.

Now, what is this musical instrument dressed up as a pop star?

-I haven't got a clue.

-It's Tiny Timpani!

SHE LAUGHS

Go away, Herman.

That was horrendous, that.

-Now, what is music?

-Oh, music is...

I weigh 1.2 kilograms, in case you wondered.

Time's up, Sonia. I guess we'll never know what music is.

-But fret ye not, you've won tonight's star prize.

-Whoo-hoo!

What's that?

A teabag!

Teabag used, best before January 1983 and may contain traces of tea.

Well, I never! A whole teabag.

-What a generous price, don't you agree, cocker?

-Oh, no, it's rubbish.

Ha!

The fun doesn't stop there, because you're also going on a holiday!

-Whoo!

-To the Venice of Salford.

-Oh!

-I'm talking about the sewers under the studio, cocker.

-Have you got any last words before you go?

-Well, I'd like to say...

Herman, flush her away!

FLUSHING SHE SCREAMS

Ha-ha-ha!

I think we can all agree that we've all learned something

very important today and that thing is, erm...

I'm just popping out for a bit to remember.

But in the meantime, sing along with my little ditty!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Super Scouser Son-i-ay took a break from her busy life

# She taught me to sing the scales and we sang along to songs

# She'd done and despite the rage I thought they were nice

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

It's all about goose fat.

POUNDING DRUMS