Sonia Hacker Time


Sonia

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog, featuring 80s singer Sonia, star of the West End and Eurovision.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hacker Time was invented by Henry VIII to annoy Catherine of Aragon!

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Just look at all these bills. It's no use, Lolly.

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We're going to have to sell the house.

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But, Derek, the place is a tip! Nobody will buy this old wreck.

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Nonsense! It's a palace! It's got a fitted kitchen!

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Even comes with a dishwasher.

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Oh, my hands are like withered kippers! Ha!

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-And don't forget the gas-fired central heating.

-Yeah!

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I'll fire up the gas!

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-PHRRT!

-Oh!

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And of course, the master bedroom's very light and airy.

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That's because the roof's blown off!

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Yes. Ha!

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Sorry, that was the gas-fired central heating again.

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PHRRT!

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Oh, yeah!

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Now, all we need to do is find some buffoon daft enough to buy

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-this place.

-Who would do such a thing?

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Nobody in their right mind would ever do that.

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I'd like to buy this house you've just put

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up for sale for £100 million! Ha-ha!

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For some reason, it really reminds me of home.

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Has anyone got £100 million?

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-Er, no.

-But how am I going to pay for the new house? I know.

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-Let's sell this place.

-Well, but we're selling it anyway.

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Well, sell it again! And it's freezing in here. Wilf, sort it out.

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HE STRAINS

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Oh, I've run out of natural gas!

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this!

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

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# Makes me say Oh, my word!

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# Thank you for watching me It's telly

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# But not what you normally see

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# It feels good There's out-takes, too

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# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

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# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show

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# Ha! You can't touch

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# Stop! Hacker Time! #

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Thank you.

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Stand by, everyone.

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We're on air in five,

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four,

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-three...

-HE COUGHS

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..two,

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one...

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-Bingo!

-Cue Larry.

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Get ready to laugh and cry on the rollercoaster

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of love that is Hacker T Dog!

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You all right, cockers?

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Things have been a bit tight round here

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since some mooey paid over the odds on a new house.

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So I'm going to get my lavish lifestyle

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I require by being a pop star.

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And pop stars need number one hits.

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-Herman, get in here!

-Yes, Mr Hacker?

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-Oh!

-There y'are.

-Will there be anything else, Mr Hacker?

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Not for now. Just be thankful I didn't hit you with a number two.

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-Huh?

-Because it's really, really heavy.

-Oh, thank goodness.

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I thought he was being rude then. But he was just hitting Herman.

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It's fine, then.

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Let's meet today's guest, who is a really top-notch musical star!

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Hi. I'm the pop singer Sonia and I'm here to do some top-notch singing.

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That might be the case but I need

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both your names for the pass, Miss Sonia, get in the booth.

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-I'm not Miss Sonia...

-In the booth! Go on, get in. Shut the curtains.

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Doors!

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Ah! Down! Hehe!

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SHE SCREAMS

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Ba-da-da-dee...

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SHE CONTINUES TO SCREAM

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Please welcome the singing sensation and superstar of the stage,

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it's Sonia!

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-Ah!

-Yay! Welcome to Hacker Time, Sonia.

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-Oh, I tell you what, I'm not staying here!

-But, Sonia, stay!

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If you do stay, I'll show you how to have a number one hit.

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Oh, that's useless, isn't it? Because I've already had one.

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I knew you'd say that. You singers are obsessed with number ones!

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-Hey, Herman, get in here, come on.

-Coming, Mr Hacker.

-Hurry up, Herman.

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-Watch this.

-Uh!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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I'm top of the props!

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It's funny because I've hit Herman with a prop.

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Top Of The Pops was a music show and Sonia is a singer,

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-it works on every level!

-That wasn't smart, clever or funny.

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Ah, well done, Sonia. You've got the measure of us.

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You understand the show perfectly. Derek, the fact file, if you will.

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Yes, Hacker. I hope he doesn't give me a number one hit.

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PLAYS TUNE

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Sonia is a British singing sensation and star of the stage.

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Her first song went to number one in 1989. Oh, it's a classic, hoo-hoo!

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She also had a hit with Listen To Your Heart later that year.

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# Listen to your heart... #

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Maybe she should have listened to her stylist.

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Sonia also came second in the Eurovision Song Contest in 1993.

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And that's all you need to know about our Sonia.

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Just imagine being a singer, a dancer and a TV star.

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Adored by millions, especially in the north-west of England.

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Oh, it's marvellous. Carry on, carry on.

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I wasn't talking about you, I want you to imagine me

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because I'm all of those things and more!

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This is going to be a long show.

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Larry, be a love and move things along, will you?

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-SCARY VOICE:

-I meant me!

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Stay tuned as Sonia keeps us entertained

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and there is all this, too.

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Coming up, if you love music then we can only apologise now...

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HE WARBLES

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-Will Hacker T Dog learn how to have a hit?

-What could be simpler?

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And what's up with Josh?

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I'm full of melancholy.

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He must be a fan of this show. It's Hacker Time!

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Now, Sonia, before we start let's set the scene.

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You're a singer with a load of hit songs and you have even

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represented Britain in Eurovision, so here's the burning question.

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-Where are you from? I'm guessing Greenland.

-Oh!

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No, I'm from Liverpool. But I did live in Skelmersdale for a while.

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The town of Skelmersdale in the north-west of England?

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I do believe that's a Wigan postcode, me old china.

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You're from my neck of the woods!

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-Oh!

-Hey, we're probably related, aren't we, cocker?

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Did anybody in your family run a shop?

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You know, they did actually, yes.

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Well, my uncle's stepbrother's rabbit's favourite auntie

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-used to run a place.

-Was it the chip shop?

-Yeah!

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-The one with the green door.

-Yes!

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-And it sold little miniature replica ice cream vans as a sideline.

-Yes!

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That's so specific, it must be the same place

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and the owner of the shop was called...

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-Mildred.

-Never heard of her.

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Even though you abandoned your "Wigonian" roots,

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there's something I need to tell you.

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# You'll never stop me from loving you... #

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Little blast of your biggest hit there, Son',

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what do you think of that then?

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I think it was fab, yes, great, groovy.

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Ha! So, Sonia, I've got a bone to pick with you.

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Do you know that song you did called Listen To Your Heart?

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Mmm-hm. I believe it contained duff advice, madam. Listen.

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# Just listen to your heart

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# That's what they say

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# Listen to your heart

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# You'll be OK... #

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Well, I took your advice, madam, and I listened to my heart

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and it told me to invest all of my capital in turnips.

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So I'm reporting you to the local ombudsman.

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Now, number one, I'm fully chartered by the Financial Services Authority.

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And number two,

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I warned you that investments can go down as well as up.

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Oh, stop beating on and get out! Go on!

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Now, I want to talk to you about your crib, your house,

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your gaff, because you're a singer.

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Do you live in "A flat"?

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Oh!

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Come on, "B sharp", give me an answer. What's the matter?

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Cat got your C augmented diminished fifth?

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Anyway, in unrelated news, I'm a bit peckish, cocker.

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Could you pass me that delicious meat paste sandwich?

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You may as well help yourself too, it's all you're getting today.

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-What's this?

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

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Jam?!

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Jam?! I won't eat this filth!

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Sonia, have you devoured my delicious meat paste sandwiches?

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You know, that's the kind of unforgivable mistake that

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I'd normally have you escorted off the premises for. But...

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# You'll never stop me

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# From loving you... #

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-You're crazy, but I love you.

-Oh, thanks.

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So, Sonia, do you have a vocal coach?

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-Er, no, actually.

-Me neither, but I have got a very chatty minibus.

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Look.

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Oh, yes, well, I said to him, "Oh, no," and then he looked at me

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and I went, "Well, I don't know, dearie..."

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CRASH!

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I told you he was chatty.

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Now, your debut album back in 1990,

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when Derek was still quite old, ha, produced five top 20 singles.

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What were they called?

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Erm, Listen To Your Heart, End Of The World, Counting Every Single Minute.

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Oh, I know how you feel, love,

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I'm counting every single minute of this interview.

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-How rude!

-Oh! You can't call your host rude.

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Why, I should have you escorted off the premises for this!

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But I won't, Sonia, me old love, because...

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# You'll never stop me

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# From loving you... #

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-Ha-ha! Now, Sonia, I'm a huge fan of the Eurovision thing.

-Oh.

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I nearly represented the UK in Eurovision too.

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# Tins of meaty goodness... #

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APPLAUSE

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-IRISH ACCENT:

-Hacker, that was perfect.

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Soulful and bang on trend, which is

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why we won't be putting you forward for Eurovision.

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-I'm afraid you are far too good for that.

-I'm livid! Livid!

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I even rented a microphone.

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And the sign!

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-So, Sonia, have you enjoyed all of my jokes so far?

-Er, not really, no.

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What, even the ones where I do this?

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# You'll never stop me

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# From loving you... #

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It's true, Sonia, you never will. Never! You never will, Sonia!

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-Aw!

-Larry, what's next?

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Put on your dancing shoes, because it's time for The Next Step But One.

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Things have never been better in Z Troupe.

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Adam's broken leg is finally on the mend.

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Well, that's my chair fixed.

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Now...to dance!

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After months of struggling, Derek's finally got into a regular routine.

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Thanks to all these prune smoothies,

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-I've never been so regular!

-PHRRT!

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Ooh, excuse me!

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And as for Emma-Lee, she's actually being nice to Rochelle.

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-I value you as a person.

-I also value you as a person!

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Well, I value you as a person more!

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-No, I value you as a person more.

-Look, love,

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I value you as a person more and that's the end of it!

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You value-less non-person!

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So, all in all,

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everything's brilliant.

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Nothing could possibly go wrong now!

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PHRRT! Oh!

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# We'll show the world our moves

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# It's gonna, it's gonna

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# It's gonna be OK!

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# We're going to be outcasts

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# Cos none of us can dance

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# None of us can dance! #

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So, things are going really well between Rochelle and me.

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Now, you listen here,

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I was the first one to value you as a person more.

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So don't you tell me that you value me as a person more than

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I value you as a person, more!

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But I was only saying that I value you as a person more

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because I was unaware of how much you value me

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as a person more than I value you as a person, more.

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Like I say, things are going really well between Rochelle and me.

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Hang on a minute! Why are you filming him filming me?

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You're just jealous because I'm the one who's always in the spotlight!

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SPOTLIGHT CRANKS

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-See?

-Don't worry. I'll sort this.

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-Eddon, be careful, don't fall and break your leg.

-I won't!

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HE SCREAMS

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Eddon! Eddon, are you all right?

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I'm fine. I just dropped this identically dressed dummy

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off the balcony for no apparent reason. Ha!

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Break my leg indeed.

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CRASH! HE SCREAMS

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< I've broken my leg!

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-My chair leg again. Who left that there?

-You did, you fool!

-Oh, yeah!

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After everything was looking so rosy, we finally reached crisis point.

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Emma-Lee and Rochelle were still arguing.

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I think we should just agree to disagree. Don't you agree?

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I disagree to agree to disagree. Don't you agree?

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I disagree.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Derek's problem is getting way out of hand.

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PHRRT!

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Oh! I'm so sorry about that.

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And as for Eddon...

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Oh! Are you all right?

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Oh, I'm fine.

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-This dummy is ideal for hanging all my chair leg bandages on.

-Oh...

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But I have broken my arm!

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THEY GASP

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The arm of my chair. I must have fallen over it with some force.

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I can't take any more of this show!

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I'm leaving Z Troupe!

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ALL GASP

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-No, I can't go.

-Why? Are you too emotional?

-No.

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I've got no thumbs to open the door with. I literally can't go.

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I can't go either.

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ALL GASP

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Why? Are you too emotional?

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No, I've actually broken my leg. I tripped over my dummy, look.

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Well, I can't go either!

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ALL GASP

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-Why? Are you too emotional?

-No.

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I just can't go. I don't have enough fibre in my diet.

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Prune smoothie? Hoo-hoo!

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PHRRT!

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Oh, what a load of old tat!

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-Here, Lolly, you look a bit different today.

-Oh! Oh, Derek.

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Thanks for noticing.

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-I've just restyled my hair.

-No.

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-You're blue!

-I've always been blue.

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I've been getting some style tips from a new blogger on YouBend,

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look, look.

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Hello, loves, Cruella here. New intro there, very nice.

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Today, darlings, I'm going to show you how to get some

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volume on your locks like me.

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No, not that sort of volume!

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This volume - bouncy, bouncy hair time.

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It's all about this stuff - goose fat - get a nice handful

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of goose fat, scrape it out and rub it into your locks like that.

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Oh, how disgusting! Goose fat? That's the last time I watch her!

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-I'll never put goose fat on my hair.

-I know. I put it on my hands.

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It's full of essential vitamins for your cuticles. Hee-hee!

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Now, I must move this priceless Ming vase.

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SMASH!

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Oh, what a mooey!

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Mmm!

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Now, Sonia, I do have a bit of a crush on you.

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But we need to straighten something out.

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This moving to Skelmersdale from Liverpool business.

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-It's just not going to fly.

-What do you mean?

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Allow me to make my points with synthesiser music

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from the early '80s. It's reet up your street, cocker.

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# Lovely Son-i-ayyy

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# My heart beats for thee

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# Ever since I was a pup I've loved you

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# Tell me, do you love me?

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# It was Skelmersdale where you used to be

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# It is practically in Wigan but you never popped round for tea

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# Sonia

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# Thinking about you's giving me insomnia

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# You lived so close to my home

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# Even had a Wigan postcode

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# But you never picked up the phone

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# Oh, Sonia

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# I've always had feelings for you

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# And we only lived a few miles apart but despite me

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# Not being born when you lived there

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# And overlooking the fact it was before you were famous

0:17:070:17:09

# Let's not spoil the narrative of this song

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# Of this day

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# I have always dreamed

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# But you could have made a call from your house

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# And talked to me in Scouse

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# Darling, Son-i-ayy

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# Our love goes to waste

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# I was waiting here for you to arrive

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# Down the M58

0:17:360:17:39

# You are two-faced! #

0:17:390:17:42

So, as you can see, we can never see eye to eye to eye,

0:17:430:17:47

because you never bothered to get in touch with me.

0:17:470:17:50

-What was all that about?

-Weren't you paying attention?

0:17:500:17:53

You weren't paying attention! Larry, can you believe it?

0:17:530:17:57

She wasn't paying attention!

0:17:570:17:59

Ha, so then I was like, no way, but he was like, way. Ha!

0:17:590:18:03

Oh, er, sorry, Hacker, I wasn't paying attention.

0:18:030:18:07

Here's still what is to come next on the show. Yeah.

0:18:070:18:11

OK, what does it say here? Oh, yeah. Our Sonia gets tough.

0:18:110:18:15

Listen, Hacker, it's time to show me what you've got.

0:18:150:18:19

And our Hacker gets tougher.

0:18:190:18:21

You've hurt me deeply there, our Sonia.

0:18:210:18:23

Even watching it is tough!

0:18:230:18:25

Oh, Sonia, I'm glad we've got a minute actually

0:18:260:18:29

because there's something very important I want to ask you about

0:18:290:18:32

-the music industry and your role in it as a hit recording artist.

-OK.

0:18:320:18:36

What I want to know is, what is music?

0:18:360:18:40

Oh, music is a wonderful thing... BELL RINGS

0:18:400:18:43

Saved by the bell, eh!

0:18:430:18:44

I still want a full answer when I return, though.

0:18:440:18:47

I hope they have cleaned the cruet.

0:18:490:18:51

Hacker?

0:18:510:18:52

I'm a bit peckish. I wonder where those jam sarnies have gone.

0:18:520:18:55

Wilf, we need to speed up our service.

0:19:010:19:04

Fast food means more customers served, more money,

0:19:040:19:08

so just do things quicker.

0:19:080:19:10

-Follow the script and you'll be fine.

-All right.

0:19:100:19:12

Hello, sir or madam, welcome to Faster Feeds,

0:19:120:19:14

how would you like to eat today?

0:19:140:19:16

-Well, I'm in a rush, so something fast.

-The lamb is really fast.

0:19:160:19:20

-I can't catch it.

-Bahh!

0:19:200:19:22

-I'll just have the special.

-Good choice, sir.

0:19:230:19:27

And there is a free gift with every meal. Enjoy your meal.

0:19:270:19:31

Where's my free gift?

0:19:310:19:33

-Er, the only thing I've got is this meal.

-Perfect, I'll have that.

0:19:330:19:37

-Thank you.

-Can I order the sadness dinner instead, please?

0:19:380:19:42

-Oh, would you like to mega-size that?

-How much more do you get?

0:19:420:19:45

It's an extra four quid but the meal is the same.

0:19:450:19:48

Oh, well, it doesn't seem like good value.

0:19:480:19:50

-Well, I can slenderise your meal if you prefer?

-That sounds reasonable.

0:19:500:19:54

-What's that?

-I'll reduce the size of the meal for you,

0:19:540:19:57

-all for the same price.

-That doesn't seem fair at all!

0:19:570:20:00

Why do you think it's called the sadness dinner?

0:20:000:20:03

-Oh, this place is a joke, I'm leaving!

-Have a nice day, sir.

0:20:030:20:06

Wait. Ha!

0:20:060:20:08

That meaningful and thoughtful phrase changes everything.

0:20:080:20:12

This has been the best meal of my life.

0:20:120:20:15

-It's been a great success, my darling.

-Apart from one thing.

0:20:170:20:21

What's that?

0:20:210:20:22

We were that fast selling the fast food, we forgot to charge anyone.

0:20:220:20:25

I'll fire up the van.

0:20:250:20:28

And sell the house. Again.

0:20:280:20:30

-Oh...

-BELL RINGS

0:20:300:20:32

Hacker Time is proud to present Singin' With Sonia.

0:20:340:20:38

Right, Hacker, I'm going to teach you how to have a hit record.

0:20:420:20:46

-We're going to release a single.

-I'm always releasing singles.

0:20:460:20:49

PHRRT!

0:20:490:20:51

In fact, I'm thinking of releasing a double.

0:20:510:20:53

Oh, please don't!

0:20:530:20:54

You're all right, cocker, I won't, I'm waiting to release it

0:20:540:20:57

-so it has maximum impact.

-Can't we just get on with this?

0:20:570:21:00

But I've not made a joke about downloads yet.

0:21:000:21:03

Listen, Hacker, it's time to show me what you've got. Come on.

0:21:030:21:06

-Listen to this.

-Go on.

-MUSIC STARTS

0:21:060:21:09

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

0:21:090:21:12

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

0:21:120:21:15

# Lollipop... # MUSIC STOPS

0:21:150:21:17

Ooh!

0:21:170:21:18

Now, listen, all I need you to do is say the last lollipop. OK?

0:21:180:21:22

-You come in on the last lollipop.

-OK, let's do it!

0:21:220:21:24

Hit it!

0:21:240:21:25

MUSIC STARTS

0:21:250:21:27

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

0:21:270:21:30

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

0:21:300:21:33

-BACKING VOCAL:

-# Lollipop. #

0:21:330:21:35

You didn't sing!

0:21:350:21:36

Oh, sorry, I got distracted.

0:21:360:21:38

Oh, the next time we sing it, I'll point to you

0:21:380:21:42

and when I point to you, you sing lollipop, OK?

0:21:420:21:44

What could be simpler?

0:21:440:21:46

MUSIC STARTS

0:21:460:21:47

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly

0:21:470:21:50

-BACKING VOCAL:

-# Lollipop. #

0:21:500:21:52

Hm? Er, lollipop?

0:21:520:21:54

SHE SIGHS

0:21:540:21:55

# Lollipop, lollipop... #

0:21:550:21:56

LOLLIPOP!

0:21:560:21:58

# Oh, lolly, lolly, lolly...

0:21:580:22:00

Bunny hop! Hey!

0:22:000:22:02

# Oh, lolly, lolly... MUSIC STOPS

0:22:020:22:03

-Er, did someone say Lolly?

-Not you, Lollipop!

0:22:030:22:07

Listen, Hacker, we're going to have to change this whole thing round.

0:22:070:22:10

-Right.

-You do the first bit and I'll do the end, OK?

-Yes.

-Music.

0:22:100:22:14

MUSIC STARTS

0:22:140:22:16

# Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly, lolly, lolly... #

0:22:160:22:19

That was brilliant, that!

0:22:200:22:22

I know I was brilliant, but you missed your cue. Amateur.

0:22:220:22:26

Charming!

0:22:260:22:28

Get ready to be mildly disappointed,

0:22:280:22:30

it's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!

0:22:300:22:33

BELL RINGS

0:22:330:22:35

# Cos it's beautiful, that's what it is

0:22:350:22:38

# Cos it's beautiful, that's what it is... #

0:22:380:22:41

-Hey, Josh.

-I don't know what you're so happy about.

0:22:410:22:44

-I'm full of melancholy.

-Why?

0:22:440:22:47

Oh, let me inform you...

0:22:470:22:49

via the medium of song.

0:22:490:22:52

MUSIC STARTS

0:22:520:22:53

# Oh, what a horrible, grim day

0:22:530:22:55

# I don't care what anybody has to say

0:22:550:22:58

# I feel like a withered balloon

0:22:580:23:01

# Floating around in this dull classroom

0:23:010:23:04

# Josh, for you I feel so sorry

0:23:040:23:07

# You should be feeling fresh like a windowless conservatory

0:23:070:23:10

# When you're feeling melancholy

0:23:100:23:13

# Dance down the street like a total wally

0:23:130:23:16

# Your positive ways make me want to gip

0:23:160:23:19

# Dancing down the street - pah! I hope you slip

0:23:190:23:22

# Why act like an upbeat clown?

0:23:220:23:25

# The only time I'm happy is when I'm feeling down

0:23:250:23:28

# Put your hands together, clap and be proud

0:23:280:23:31

# Don't spend your days living under a cloud

0:23:310:23:34

# Look upon the world in a sunshiny way

0:23:340:23:37

# Shuffle and shimmy your sadness away... #

0:23:370:23:41

Come on, clap! Ha-ha, that's right.

0:23:410:23:44

Clap.

0:23:440:23:46

# Who is this chap? I'm melancholy

0:23:460:23:49

# And that's a fact! Yeah! #

0:23:490:23:53

BELL RINGS

0:23:530:23:55

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most ground-breaking,

0:23:550:23:59

extraordinary quiz you've ever seen, it's the item we like to call...

0:23:590:24:04

Sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

0:24:040:24:07

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:24:070:24:08

FLUSHING

0:24:110:24:13

Sonia, this game is as simple as it comes. All you've got to do is...

0:24:130:24:17

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:24:170:24:18

FLUSHING

0:24:200:24:22

..sit on the lav-lav and answer some questions.

0:24:220:24:25

How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

0:24:250:24:28

It feels quite wonderful, actually. It's quite comfy.

0:24:280:24:31

-And still warm, innit?

-Yeah.

0:24:310:24:32

The time will end when you hear this sound.

0:24:320:24:35

I weigh 1.2 kilos in case you wondered.

0:24:350:24:38

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

0:24:380:24:39

In that case, start the clock.

0:24:390:24:41

What is a demi, semi, hemi, demi, semiquaver?

0:24:410:24:46

Oh, I haven't got a clue.

0:24:460:24:47

In actual fact, scientists have yet to work out what it means

0:24:470:24:50

but it's summat to do with shipping. Ha-ha!

0:24:500:24:53

Next question, I know that you can write music but can you read music?

0:24:530:24:58

Music.

0:24:580:24:59

Oh, I can't tell you if you're right or wrong, Sonia, I can't read music.

0:24:590:25:03

Ha! Take it down.

0:25:030:25:04

That's it. Now, complete this title of this song by you.

0:25:040:25:08

Say Goodbye To - what?

0:25:080:25:10

Say Goodbye To Me.

0:25:100:25:12

All right, then. Goodbye. Now, what's your answer?

0:25:120:25:15

Oh, forget it. Complete the title of this song by you.

0:25:150:25:19

Can't Forget - what?

0:25:190:25:20

-Can't Forget You.

-I'm sorry, I forgot the answer.

0:25:200:25:24

Ha-ha! What's that smell?

0:25:240:25:26

You.

0:25:260:25:28

You've hurt me deeply there, our Sonia. But luckily...

0:25:280:25:33

# You'll never stop me

0:25:330:25:37

# From loving you... #

0:25:370:25:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ha!

0:25:410:25:42

Now, the next question requires help from my chum and yours, Herman.

0:25:420:25:46

Here he is, look.

0:25:460:25:47

Now, what is this musical instrument dressed up as a pop star?

0:25:470:25:52

-I haven't got a clue.

-It's Tiny Timpani!

0:25:520:25:56

SHE LAUGHS

0:25:560:25:57

Go away, Herman.

0:25:570:25:58

That was horrendous, that.

0:25:580:26:00

-Now, what is music?

-Oh, music is...

0:26:010:26:04

I weigh 1.2 kilograms, in case you wondered.

0:26:040:26:08

Time's up, Sonia. I guess we'll never know what music is.

0:26:080:26:11

-But fret ye not, you've won tonight's star prize.

-Whoo-hoo!

0:26:110:26:14

What's that?

0:26:140:26:16

A teabag!

0:26:160:26:17

Teabag used, best before January 1983 and may contain traces of tea.

0:26:170:26:21

Well, I never! A whole teabag.

0:26:210:26:23

-What a generous price, don't you agree, cocker?

-Oh, no, it's rubbish.

0:26:230:26:27

Ha!

0:26:270:26:28

The fun doesn't stop there, because you're also going on a holiday!

0:26:280:26:31

-Whoo!

-To the Venice of Salford.

0:26:310:26:34

-Oh!

-I'm talking about the sewers under the studio, cocker.

0:26:340:26:38

-Have you got any last words before you go?

-Well, I'd like to say...

0:26:380:26:41

Herman, flush her away!

0:26:430:26:45

FLUSHING SHE SCREAMS

0:26:460:26:48

Ha-ha-ha!

0:26:480:26:50

I think we can all agree that we've all learned something

0:26:500:26:52

very important today and that thing is, erm...

0:26:520:26:55

I'm just popping out for a bit to remember.

0:26:550:26:58

But in the meantime, sing along with my little ditty!

0:26:580:27:01

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:050:27:08

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:080:27:10

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:100:27:13

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:130:27:15

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

0:27:150:27:17

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

0:27:170:27:20

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

0:27:200:27:22

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

0:27:220:27:25

# Super Scouser Son-i-ay took a break from her busy life

0:27:250:27:29

# She taught me to sing the scales and we sang along to songs

0:27:290:27:33

# She'd done and despite the rage I thought they were nice

0:27:330:27:35

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:350:27:37

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:370:27:39

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:390:27:41

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:410:27:44

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:440:27:46

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:27:460:27:49

It's all about goose fat.

0:27:490:27:51

POUNDING DRUMS

0:27:510:27:53

Fun, chat and music from Hacker T Dog. Featuring the drama series The Next Step but One, starring Hacker as Emma-Lee, Ed Petrie as Eddon and Kelly-Anne Lyons as Rochelle. Kay Purcell plays Mrs Breadbin in the catering van sketch, and Ortis Deley takes up the role as Dexter in The Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

This episode features 80s singer Sonia, star of the West End and Eurovision.


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