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Hacker Time is filmed in front of an indifferent wallaby, called Stephen. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
Right, everyone, it's time for breakfast. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
No, it's not thyme, | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
it's parsley. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:13 | |
It's a far better breakfast herb. | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
HE SIGHS Is there anything in the fridge? | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
-Hm, oh, yes, it's full... -Ooh. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
..of mould. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
I don't know why I exist. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Oh, dear, what are we going to eat?! | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
Well, I've got a box of cereal | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
with a free gift inside. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
That sounds nice. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:35 | |
However, the free gift's so big | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
there's no room for any cereal. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
Oh, well. What's the free gift? | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
A life-size picture of a bowl of cereal. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
Ah, it looks like we're going hungry today. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
Fear not, cockers! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
I've got loads of food. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Trouble is, it's all in this misleading picture | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
from inside of a box of cereal. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
# You gotta watch this! | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
-HE RAPS: -# My, my, my, my programme hits you | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
# So hard, makes me say | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
# "Oh, my word!" | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
# Thank you for watching me | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
# It's telly, but not what you normally see | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
# It feels good, there's outtakes too | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true | 0:01:24 | 0:01:25 | |
# So sit back - don't move too much | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
# This is the show you can't touch. # | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
-Stop! -Hacker Time! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five, | 0:01:34 | 0:01:38 | |
four, three, | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
two, one... | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
Cue Larry. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:01:46 | 0:01:47 | |
he's the host with the most... | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
disgusting face on television. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
It's Hacker T Dog! | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
You all right, cockers? Welcome to the show. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
LOUD GRUMBLING | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
Oooh... | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
What's going on?! | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
All of our stomachs must be rumbling, because we haven't had any breakfast. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
Oh, the humanity! | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Oh, me cranium! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
There's only one thing for it - we need a food expert, now! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
Don't worry, it's all been sorted. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
Erm, good afternoon, I'm Jay Rayner, | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
the food critic, here to do the food programme. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
-Oh, yes, get in the booth. -In the booth? -I need a picture for your... | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
-Do you know who I am?! -It's an intimate booth. Shut the curtains. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
-All right, all right. -Doors. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
Down. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
HACKER HUMS | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
Help, somebody! | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
Please, welcome today's special guest, | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
food critic Jay Rayner! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
HE YELPS | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
-Welcome to Hacker Time, Jay Rayner. -Oh, no, no, I'm not doing this. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
-I am not doing this. -No, but you have to help us. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
All our stomachs are rumbling. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
What do you want from me? Meal ideas? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
No, no, I want you to repair the ceiling. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
It fell in because of all the rumbling. There's some plaster. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
-You wouldn't give one of these to Jamie Oliver, would you? -No. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
He specialises in patios. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
-HE CHUCKLES -Derek, the fact file, if you will. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
Coming up, my little owl. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
Jay Rayner is a famous restaurant critic. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
He loves food and he loves writing about it. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
He also loves using his glasses as a makeshift hair band, yes. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:36 | |
He often appears on the popular TV show MasterChef | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
as a scary food taster. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
Just look at him! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
He's terrifying! | 0:03:42 | 0:03:43 | |
Mind you, he was a bit friendlier when he didn't have a beard. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
Look at that. There he is without... | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
Oh, no! He's still scary! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
After he taped his facial hair back on, | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
he was awarded Beard of the Year in 2011. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Here he is boasting about it to his invisible chum. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
And that's all you'll ever need to know about Jay Rayner. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:02 | |
Very impressive. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:05 | |
Oh, no, not the fact file, the work you've done on the ceiling. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
-Can we just get on with the show? -Yes. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
Although I do need a dado rail fitting in the hallway. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Oh, he's scaring me now! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Larry, tell us what's coming up. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
HE WHIMPERS | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Today's Hacker Time contains so much food | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
you'll be going to the toilet for days! | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
Coming up: | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
-For starters, we have our dish of the day. -Yeah. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
That's followed by a main course of sour grapes. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
THEY GASP | 0:04:34 | 0:04:35 | |
And for pudding, we're going to get our just deserts. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
Yes, we're putting the me and you into menu. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
Get it? Menu, me... Oh. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Looks good, doesn't it? | 0:04:46 | 0:04:47 | |
Not the show, I'm talking about your excellent plasterwork again. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
I didn't really have much choice, did I? You made me. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
Yes, I did. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:54 | |
Jay Rayner, are you ready for a fully researched | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
interview about your life and ways? | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
I am prepared for whatever you throw at me. Go on. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Question one - why did you decide on the career as an odd-job man? | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
I didn't. I am a food critic, and a very, very serious one. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
Well, that IS an odd job. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Personally, I've never had much luck with food critics. Look... | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
I'm a ribeye steak | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
and I don't like your ceiling! | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
Ooh, what a critical piece of food! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Jay, what does a food critic actually do? | 0:05:23 | 0:05:27 | |
I go out for dinner and I review the food, | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
I write about it in a newspaper, | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
and sometimes I review the food on MasterChef, | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
and say whether it's any good or not. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
So you get paid to stuff your face every night? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
When are you going to settle down and get a proper job?! | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
-I get paid to write about stuffing my face. -Ooh. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
What are the three elements of a good meal? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
The three elements are a really good starter, | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
a really good main course and a brilliant dessert. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
I think you'll find the three elements are bread, | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
meat paste, and slightly more bread. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
It's my trademark meat paste sandwich. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
Go on, have a little nibble and tell us what you think. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
Is it locally sourced meat paste? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
-No. -No? OK. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Did you make this yourself? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:07 | |
I had me people do it. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
Describe the taste. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
It's not what you'd call refined or elegant, is it? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
Oh, how dare you! | 0:06:15 | 0:06:16 | |
-That was a vintage from 1815. -Yeah... | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
Yes, I made it at quarter past six... | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
in the year 1792. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
STOMACH GRUMBLES | 0:06:24 | 0:06:25 | |
Jay, what makes a good restaurant? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
Well, I think it's a lot of things. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
You want to feel like you're having a good time, | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
you want the waiters to avoid pouring soup down your lap. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
-Did you know that I once owned a restaurant? -Did you? What was it? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:37 | |
Oh, it was fraught with strife. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
Waiter, waiter! | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Er, yes? | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
Ah, waiter, there's a fly in my soup. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
Oh, is it doing the backstroke? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
No, it's attached to this pair of trousers! | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
It got worse when I served him the cheese and under crackers! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
-HE CHUCKLES -Do you get it? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:55 | |
Yeah, no, I kind of...enough. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
At least my restaurant had an excellent ambience. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
Do you know what ambience means, Jay? | 0:07:01 | 0:07:02 | |
Yeah, it means a bit of warmth, a bit of a welcoming atmosphere, | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
unlike this place. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:06 | |
No, it's an emergency service vehicle. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
We needed one with all that dreadful food we would serve. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:13 | |
Now, Jay, you often appear on MasterChef. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
Have you ever tucked into an egg | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
and realised you were accidentally eating Gregg Wallace? | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
There have been moments when I've wondered. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
-LAUGHTER -Very funny that. -Yeah. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
Also on MasterChef, | 0:07:25 | 0:07:26 | |
why are they always going on about people called Sue? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
-They don't. -They do! | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
Sue Flay, | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
Sue Chef, | 0:07:32 | 0:07:33 | |
Sue Et Pudding! | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
It's funny, cos they're not even people. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
How dare you! | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
My name is Sue Et Pudding | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
and for that I'm suing! | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Well, actually, I'm Sue Ing. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Did somebody call? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
What a load of old tripe. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
I'll eat it later. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
-LAUGHTER -Now, you're always whingeing | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
about other people's food, but are you a good cook? | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
-Yeah, I can cook, I can cook. -Well, I'm not. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
I've always had trouble following a recipe. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
Oh, I need to get out of here, | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
these jokes are terrible! | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
-HACKER CHUCKLES -Now, Jay, | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
what's your favourite course? | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
My favourite course, I think it's dessert. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
No, you didn't let me finish. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
What's your favourite golf course? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Gleneagles or Royal Birkdale? | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
-Well, come on, which is your favourite? -I hate golf! | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Oh, stop harping on about golf, will you? | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
This show is meant to be about food. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:23 | |
-Of course, that's what I'm here for. -Next question. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
What's the perfect accompaniment for steak? | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
It's a very refined sauce called a Bearnaise. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
Actually, it's Sue Et Pudding. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
She's an expert on the clarinet. Look! | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
CLARINET BELLOWS | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
I do not like your technique. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Well, Jay, it's time to end the interview. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
I'm pleased to say we got through it without anything terrible happening. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:51 | |
Oh, no! The ceiling's falling in again. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
What kind of odd-job man are you?! | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
I am not an odd-job man! | 0:08:56 | 0:08:57 | |
-I'm a food critic! -Oh, Larry, cut to something else. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
Put on your dancing shoes, | 0:09:01 | 0:09:02 | |
because it's time for The Next Step...But One. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
Oh, guys, guys, we've got one day until the Sub Regional | 0:09:10 | 0:09:14 | |
Inter-parish Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
-THEY GASP -But there's a problem. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
-No team? -No costumes? | 0:09:20 | 0:09:21 | |
No discernible talent? | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
No, no, no, worse - | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
we can't figure out how to abbreviate the Sub Regional | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
Inter-parish Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
# We'll show the world our moves | 0:09:39 | 0:09:46 | |
# It's gonna | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
# It's gonna | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
# It's gonna be our chance | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
# It's gonna be our chance | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
# But none of us can dance | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
# But none of us can dance. # | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
So, we're currently in crisis over how to abbreviate | 0:10:06 | 0:10:10 | |
the Sub Regional Inter-parish | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two, | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
but I think I've got the solution. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
Why don't we shorten it to | 0:10:18 | 0:10:19 | |
S-R-I-P-D-Q-F-H-P-T? | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
-No, that's still too long. -OK. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
Let's just call it Sripdqfer-hpt. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
Sripdqfer-hpt... | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
And the same to you! | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Emma-Lee, I'm so pumped about this contest! | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
It's our once-in-a-lifetime chance to live out our dream! | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
Oh, give it a rest, love. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
You sound like a TV talent show wannabe. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
Emma-Lee's wrong, | 0:10:49 | 0:10:50 | |
I don't sound like a TV talent show wannabe. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
And this is really my last chance to prove that, not only to myself, | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
but to my family, my friends | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
and everyone who has believed in me along the way. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
And if I'm back here next week, I will give it 110%, | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
so I make it to boot camp and judges' houses. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
Will.i.am, I won't let you down! | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
We'll only win at the Sripdqfer-hpt if we all work together. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:19 | |
That's why I'm giving the troupe a motivational talk. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
Remember, everyone, there's no "me" in the word "team". | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
Yes, there is! | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
If you rearrange the E and the M, it clearly spells "me". | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
Erm, all right. How about this instead? | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
There is no "I" in the word "contingent", | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
which is another term for team. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:38 | |
But there is an "I" in "contingent". | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
And a "gent", which is what I am. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
THEY BOO | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
Stop it! In that case, erm... | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
Oh, erm, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:51 | |
there's no "W" in the word "lamb". | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
Lamb, Lamb, Lamb. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:55 | |
That one doesn't even make sense. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
I panicked, all right! I panicked! | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
To me, this whole process has been an emotional rollercoaster, | 0:12:00 | 0:12:06 | |
and we all know what that's like. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
SOBBING | 0:12:08 | 0:12:09 | |
Why do these TV talent show wannabes keep referring to me | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
all the time?! | 0:12:13 | 0:12:14 | |
I find it very distressing, you know. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
ROLLERCOASTER SOBS | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
# Another one bites the dust. # | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
'As our time on Z-Troupe comes to an end, | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
'I'll never forget the memories we've shared in this dance studio.' | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
Go, team! | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
No, come back. Come back, everyone. It was a figure of speech. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
There was the time we worked on our tap. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
Very carefully, | 0:12:41 | 0:12:42 | |
unscrew the body cover before moving on to the headgear nut. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
Then there was the time we did the twist. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Twist... | 0:12:50 | 0:12:51 | |
..the wrench in a clockwise direction, | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
and your U-bend will never leak again. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
And then there was the time we actually did a routine. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
A routine radiator inspection, that is. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Hey, wait a minute. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:06 | |
All we're doing is plumbing. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
Why aren't we learning to dance? | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
Dance? What are you talking about? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
This is a plumbing college, son. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
I wondered why you lot kept turning up in leotards. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
Well, this is it. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:26 | |
We've finally made it to the Sub Regional Inter-parish | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
Part Two. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Oh, I'm sorry, you're too late. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
This is the Sub Regional Inter-parish Divisional | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
Quarterfinal Heats: Part Three. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
Oh, Sripdqfer-hpt! | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
THEY GROAN | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
I just want the world to know I've been on a really amazing journey. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
An amazing journey to Bournemouth, that is, | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
where I'm currently servicing a combi-boiler. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
-Hello? -Hi, is this Emma-Lee? | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Yes, who's calling? | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
-It's me, the real Emily. Why are you impersonating me, Hacker? -Hacker... | 0:14:01 | 0:14:06 | |
Oh, I've never heard of him. No, but while you're on, | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
would you ever consider being a guest on Hacker Time? | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
Hacker Time? Never heard of it. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Touche. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
Touche. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:14:19 | 0:14:20 | |
That was D-U-L-L dull. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
-Mm-mm! -What are you drinking, Derek? | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Oh, it's just a spiced cabbage latte with extra foam | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
-and a triple shot. -A what?! -It's a hug in a mug. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
I saw it in a YouBend vlog. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
It's the most delicious thing I've ever tried. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
Oh, it sounds gorgeous. Let's see the review. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
I'm so sorry that I've not vlogged for a couple of hours. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
I need to be vlogging more and I know that. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
By the way, if you want a tutorial on how to look a bit like me, | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
just comment below. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
So, I know I mention this in every video, | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
but the spiced cabbage latte is like a hug in a mug. | 0:14:56 | 0:15:00 | |
No matter what sort of day you're having, | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
the comforting warmth of it will just pick you up. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
Aah! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:06 | |
Did I mention that this video | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
is in no way sponsored by the spiced cabbage latte? | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
Hey, where do you want this gigantic free delivery | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
of spiced cabbage latte put in, mate? | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
Oh, I just can't take it. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:18 | |
Oh! | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
Well, I have never in my life seen such an awful...ly genuine | 0:15:22 | 0:15:27 | |
and not at all sponsored vlog. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
Oh, I just can't wait to have a cup of spiced cabbage latte. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
It's a taste sensation. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
Jay, here's a question. If I went into a restaurant and did this... | 0:15:38 | 0:15:42 | |
bodgey-obity-obity-obity-obity, | 0:15:42 | 0:15:47 | |
-what would happen? -They'd throw you out. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
-Oh. Really, are table manners that important? -Yeah. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
Yeah, they are important, | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
actually cos it's about the other guests, isn't it? | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
Well, I think table manners are a waste of time. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
And I shall demonstrate my position via the medium of sauge. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
SWING MUSIC PLAYS | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
# When you sit down to a nice meal There are things you shouldn't do | 0:16:11 | 0:16:15 | |
# Play with your food, get in a mood Say words like knickers, bum and poo | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
# Be rude to your host Stick your head in a roast | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
# Talk with a mouthful of cress Drink soup through a straw | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
# Eat wheat off the floor | 0:16:25 | 0:16:26 | |
# Dine while you're not fully dressed... # | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
Oh, my privates! | 0:16:28 | 0:16:29 | |
# The bourgeoisie are critical of slurping | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
# I don't mind, I think it's fine | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
# I'm too busy burping and it smells of cress! | 0:16:35 | 0:16:39 | |
HE BURPS | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
# And I'm not fully dressed | 0:16:42 | 0:16:43 | |
# Yes, I'm sick of these fools and the pointless old rules | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
# Why can't I talk while I chew? Or eat in the nude? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
# Be very crude? Saying words like knickers, bum and poo | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
# So I'll take a hike I'll do what I like | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
# And eat like an ape in the zoo | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
# You're driving me mad and I've something to add... | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
HE BURPS | 0:16:59 | 0:17:00 | |
# Kickers, bum and poo. Cress! # | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
What did you think of that? I want your full critical opinion. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
-I can never unhear that song. -How dare you be so rude?! | 0:17:09 | 0:17:13 | |
Where are your manners? Were you brought up by wolves or something? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
Larry, do one of your coming up things. I am fur-i-ous. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:22 | |
Certainly, Hacker. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
Well, we've plenty more courses of terrible comedy coming right up. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:28 | |
We've got a plate full of bad taste. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
A side order of lumpy laughs. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
Topped off by a dollop of disgust. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
That's Hacker Time for you. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:38 | |
I'm back, I'm back, I'm all right. Now, Jay, come here. Come here, Jay. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:45 | |
-I'll tell you something, right. -Yeah. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
I found out what the secret ingredient is that makes meat paste | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
-taste really good. -Oh, right, go on. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
-This has never been disclosed to the public before. -Tell me. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
So this could be a world exclusive. The secret ingredient is... | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
-BELL RINGS -Oh! Dinner time. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
Whatever it is, I hope it's got mango chutney. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Well, I didn't really want to know anyway. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
Now that Jay Rayner's here, we need to work on our presentation. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:20 | |
Right ahead of you. I've been working on this presentation | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
of our weekly sales figures. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
No! Our food presentation. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
-Quick, here comes a customer. -Oh, yes. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
-Hello, sir, what can I get you? -I'm not sure. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
-But it had better look good. -Don't worry, | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
all our dishes are works of art. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
Like this. The Mona Pizza. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
Oh! The olives really follow you around the room, don't they? | 0:18:46 | 0:18:51 | |
-But I prefer something slightly less enigmatic. -Well, how about this? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:57 | |
The Eiffel Tower made completely out of chips. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
Oh, well, I couldn't eat all that. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
-Then how about chips made entirely out of the Eiffel Tower? -Oh, no. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:07 | |
I think I'll have that plate of food. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
-I've never seen anything so beautifully presented. -Certainly. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:14 | |
We got it free in a cereal packet. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
-Oh. Mm. -That was my lunch! | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
I'll fire up the van. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:19:23 | 0:19:24 | |
And now Hacker Time proudly presents Mister Chef Junior. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:30 | |
Well, you've got the balance of flavours right, | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
-but there's a problem with the lamb. -What's wrong with it? | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
It's eaten all the potatoes. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:40 | |
Baa! | 0:19:40 | 0:19:41 | |
-Could the next contestant please bring up their food. -Certainly. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
HE GAGS | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
Not like that. Will you please bring it up to the counter. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
I'll try my best, cocker, but I've not got that good an aim. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
HE GAGS | 0:19:55 | 0:19:56 | |
-I take it this means there's a problem with your dish? -Yes. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
Look, there is. I can only get three channels. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
-What about your starter? -It's just over there, look. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
On your marks, get set, go! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Go on, you little recipe card, you can win this. Oh. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
Shall we move onto your main, what have you done? | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
-Well, I've done rabbit three ways. -Really? | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
Yeah, this way, | 0:20:17 | 0:20:18 | |
that way | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
and this way again. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:21 | |
He got lost during that race. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
I told you the recipe card would win. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
-Have you made anything else? -Yes. I've done a finger buffet, look. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:31 | |
It's wearing an onion ring. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
Now get out, go on. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
-Where's the vegetable? -Well, I've got a stuffed marrow. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
Oh, I'm full. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
I've just eaten that finger buffet. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
HE BURPS | 0:20:44 | 0:20:45 | |
-It smells of hand wash. -Enough. Where's the dessert? | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
I've made a meat paste tiramisu | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
with a yeast extract coulis. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
'For dessert, Hacker's made a meat paste tiramisu | 0:20:54 | 0:20:57 | |
'served with a yeast extract coulis.' | 0:20:57 | 0:21:01 | |
You do understand that to progress in this competition, | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
-this has to be perfect? -Yes. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
'Hacker understands that to progress in the competition, | 0:21:06 | 0:21:10 | |
'this needs to be perfect.' | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
It is time for me to have a taste. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
-'It's time for Jay...' -Hang on, hang on! | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
-Who are you? -Actually... | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
-SPEAKS IN A HIGH PITCH VOICE: -I'm Susan Et Pudding from earlier | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
in the programme and I'm moonlighting as a voiceover artist. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:28 | |
Get out. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:29 | |
-You know what? -What? -Hacker, this is really excellent. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:38 | |
-It's taking me on a journey. -That's right. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
A journey to the nearest hospital. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
Those ingredients are 400 years out of date. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Uh-oh. Somebody, call this man an ambulance. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:50 | |
You're an ambulance. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
Good gag there. Seriously, though, he does need...medical assistance. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:56 | |
Sue, do you know first aid? | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
I know lemonade. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
Get ready to be madly disappointed, | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
it's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:22:05 | 0:22:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:08 | 0:22:09 | |
-And then you said, "What fish?" You do crack me up, Nige. -Ha-ha-ha, | 0:22:09 | 0:22:15 | |
-what's this? -Do you mind, Josh? | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
I'm having a conversation with the new kid, Nige. Yeah. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
As I was saying, | 0:22:21 | 0:22:22 | |
you keep up level of banter like that, you'll go far. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
# I used to be the teacher's pet | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
# I tried so hard How could he forget? | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
# Brought him an apple every day | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
# He'll have no more Braeburns from me, no way! # | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
# Nige, you're so great | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
# As for the apples, thanks for the crate | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
# By the way, your coursework, it was blazing | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
# That pie you baked me? Hashtag - amazing! | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
# He's filth, he makes me wince | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
# The guy's a leech, treating Dex like a prince | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
# Nige, these sandwiches, they're so great | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
# I'm giving them a big fat eight out of eight | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
# The perfect ratio of egg to ham | 0:22:53 | 0:22:54 | |
# And you cut the crusts off, you da man | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
# Just look at him, his smug little face | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
# I can't watch, he's taken my place | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
-# Oh, teacher's pet -Whoa-a | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
# You're the best student I've ever had | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
-# Oh, teacher's pet -Whoa-a | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
# A pleasure to teach, a lovely lad | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
-# Oh, teacher's pet -Whoa-a | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
# That essay on ethics, megalols! | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
-# Oh, teacher's pet -Whoa-a | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
# I'll really miss you in the summer hols! | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
# Pet. # | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
HE SOBS | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
-Who has put salt in my tea? -It was Nige. It was Nige. Nigel did it. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:33 | |
Thanks for telling me, Josh. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
You've always been my real favourite teacher's pet. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
Nigel, I'm very disappointed in you. Get to the headmaster's office now. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
Ohh! | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
He-he-he! | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:23:47 | 0:23:48 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most ground-breaking, | 0:23:49 | 0:23:53 | |
extraordinary quiz you've ever seen. It's the item we like to call... | 0:23:53 | 0:23:58 | |
Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:24:04 | 0:24:05 | |
Jay, the rules of this game are bog-standard. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
All you have to do is... | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:24:15 | 0:24:16 | |
..sit on the lav-lav, and answer some questions. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
-How does it feel being sat upon my throne? -It feels very warm. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:26 | |
It should be. The time will end when you hear this sound. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
SHE PLAYS | 0:24:29 | 0:24:30 | |
I do not like your answers. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
-Are you ready? -Just about. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:37 | |
In that case, start the clock. In Italy, antipasti is? | 0:24:37 | 0:24:41 | |
It's the stuff you eat before the pasta. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
No. She's Uncle Pasti's wife. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
I don't know why they both have the same name. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
Now, here is Herman. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
He has disguised this foodstuff as a famous TV cook. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
-But who's that fruit to you? -Is that Delia Smith? | 0:24:54 | 0:25:00 | |
No, it's Hairy Berry. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
Get out, Herman. How do you make a sausage roll? | 0:25:03 | 0:25:07 | |
Well, you get pastry and sausage meat and you... | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
-No, you push it down a hill. -OK. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
How do you make a casserole? | 0:25:13 | 0:25:14 | |
You push it down a hill. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
'Jay has answered, "You push it down a hill," | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
'but has he done enough to convince the host that those | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
'are the correct ingredients to turn this into a ridiculous joke?' | 0:25:21 | 0:25:26 | |
No, you start by browning your onions and add salt to taste. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:31 | |
-What cheese do you use to hide a horse? -Mascarpone! | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
No, a really big old pile of Cheddar. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
-What's this dish called? -That's fish and chips. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
No, the dish is called Simon. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
Cucumbers, discuss. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
-Green, great if you peel them properly. -Incorrect. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:51 | |
Complete this sentence, "There's no place like..." | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
-Home. -No, it's there's no plaice like haddock. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
-They're two different types of fish. -Fair enough. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
-MUSIC PLAYS -I do not like your answers. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
Time's up. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
-That means you've won tonight's star prize. -Which is? | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
'A sour-glazed slice of home-made handcrafted gristle | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
'braised on a confit of nothing and served on a bed | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
'of badly dried tomato awfulness drizzled with leftover... Oh.' | 0:26:12 | 0:26:17 | |
-What do you think about that, cocker? -I couldn't be more proud. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:21 | |
Hurrah. And it's your lucky day because you've also won a holiday. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:25 | |
-Where, where am I going? -A trip to the sewers beneath the studio. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
It's a foodie's paradise, cocker. Any last words before you go? | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
Well, actually, yeah, there are a few things... | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
-JAY BANGS ON DOOR -Herman, flush him away. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
Argh, I'm going down the lav! | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
What a lovely odd-job man. I wonder who she was. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
I'm off now to bleed my radiators, cockers. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
But first I shall annoy you all with my horrific song. Join in or else. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:52 | |
# That is it for now, the end of the show | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
# It's been amazing, we've been larking around | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
# The whole programme cost just under a pound | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
# Watch again next time cos we've got much more | 0:27:12 | 0:27:14 | |
# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
# It'll be top drawer | 0:27:16 | 0:27:17 | |
# Jay Rayner, the food critic, came in to fix my ceiling issue | 0:27:17 | 0:27:21 | |
# He judged my food on Mister Chef But he ended up in hospital | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
# Because he ate my tiramisu | 0:27:25 | 0:27:26 | |
# That is it for now, the end of the show | 0:27:26 | 0:27:29 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! # | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
I'm free at last! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 |