Jay Rayner Hacker Time

Hacker Time is filmed in front of an indifferent wallaby, called Stephen.

Right, everyone, it's time for breakfast.

No, it's not thyme,

it's parsley.

It's a far better breakfast herb.

HE SIGHS Is there anything in the fridge?

-Hm, oh, yes, it's full...

-Ooh.

..of mould.

I don't know why I exist.

Oh, dear, what are we going to eat?!

Well, I've got a box of cereal

with a free gift inside.

That sounds nice.

However, the free gift's so big

there's no room for any cereal.

Oh, well. What's the free gift?

A life-size picture of a bowl of cereal.

Ah, it looks like we're going hungry today.

Fear not, cockers!

I've got loads of food.

Trouble is, it's all in this misleading picture

from inside of a box of cereal.

SHE GASPS

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-# My, my, my, my programme hits you

# So hard, makes me say

# "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show you can't touch. #

-Stop!

-Hacker Time!

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five,

four, three,

two, one...

Cue Larry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

he's the host with the most...

disgusting face on television.

It's Hacker T Dog!

You all right, cockers? Welcome to the show.

LOUD GRUMBLING

Oooh...

What's going on?!

All of our stomachs must be rumbling, because we haven't had any breakfast.

Oh, the humanity!

Oh, me cranium!

There's only one thing for it - we need a food expert, now!

Don't worry, it's all been sorted.

Erm, good afternoon, I'm Jay Rayner,

the food critic, here to do the food programme.

-Oh, yes, get in the booth.

-In the booth?

-I need a picture for your...

-Do you know who I am?!

-It's an intimate booth. Shut the curtains.

-All right, all right.

-Doors.

Down.

HE CHUCKLES

HE SCREAMS

HACKER HUMS

Help, somebody!

Please, welcome today's special guest,

food critic Jay Rayner!

HE YELPS

-Welcome to Hacker Time, Jay Rayner.

-Oh, no, no, I'm not doing this.

-I am not doing this.

-No, but you have to help us.

All our stomachs are rumbling.

What do you want from me? Meal ideas?

No, no, I want you to repair the ceiling.

It fell in because of all the rumbling. There's some plaster.

-You wouldn't give one of these to Jamie Oliver, would you?

-No.

He specialises in patios.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Derek, the fact file, if you will.

Coming up, my little owl.

Jay Rayner is a famous restaurant critic.

He loves food and he loves writing about it.

He also loves using his glasses as a makeshift hair band, yes.

He often appears on the popular TV show MasterChef

as a scary food taster.

Just look at him!

He's terrifying!

Mind you, he was a bit friendlier when he didn't have a beard.

Look at that. There he is without...

Oh, no! He's still scary!

After he taped his facial hair back on,

he was awarded Beard of the Year in 2011.

Here he is boasting about it to his invisible chum.

And that's all you'll ever need to know about Jay Rayner.

Very impressive.

Oh, no, not the fact file, the work you've done on the ceiling.

-Can we just get on with the show?

-Yes.

Although I do need a dado rail fitting in the hallway.

Oh, he's scaring me now!

Larry, tell us what's coming up.

HE WHIMPERS

Today's Hacker Time contains so much food

you'll be going to the toilet for days!

Coming up:

-For starters, we have our dish of the day.

-Yeah.

That's followed by a main course of sour grapes.

THEY GASP

And for pudding, we're going to get our just deserts.

Yes, we're putting the me and you into menu.

Get it? Menu, me... Oh.

Looks good, doesn't it?

Not the show, I'm talking about your excellent plasterwork again.

I didn't really have much choice, did I? You made me.

Yes, I did.

Jay Rayner, are you ready for a fully researched

interview about your life and ways?

I am prepared for whatever you throw at me. Go on.

Question one - why did you decide on the career as an odd-job man?

I didn't. I am a food critic, and a very, very serious one.

Well, that IS an odd job.

Personally, I've never had much luck with food critics. Look...

I'm a ribeye steak

and I don't like your ceiling!

Ooh, what a critical piece of food!

Jay, what does a food critic actually do?

I go out for dinner and I review the food,

I write about it in a newspaper,

and sometimes I review the food on MasterChef,

and say whether it's any good or not.

So you get paid to stuff your face every night?

When are you going to settle down and get a proper job?!

-I get paid to write about stuffing my face.

-Ooh.

What are the three elements of a good meal?

The three elements are a really good starter,

a really good main course and a brilliant dessert.

I think you'll find the three elements are bread,

meat paste, and slightly more bread.

It's my trademark meat paste sandwich.

Go on, have a little nibble and tell us what you think.

Is it locally sourced meat paste?

-No.

-No? OK.

Did you make this yourself?

I had me people do it.

Describe the taste.

It's not what you'd call refined or elegant, is it?

Oh, how dare you!

-That was a vintage from 1815.

-Yeah...

Yes, I made it at quarter past six...

in the year 1792.

STOMACH GRUMBLES

Jay, what makes a good restaurant?

Well, I think it's a lot of things.

You want to feel like you're having a good time,

you want the waiters to avoid pouring soup down your lap.

-Did you know that I once owned a restaurant?

-Did you? What was it?

Oh, it was fraught with strife.

Waiter, waiter!

Er, yes?

Ah, waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Oh, is it doing the backstroke?

No, it's attached to this pair of trousers!

It got worse when I served him the cheese and under crackers!

-HE CHUCKLES

-Do you get it?

Yeah, no, I kind of...enough.

At least my restaurant had an excellent ambience.

Do you know what ambience means, Jay?

Yeah, it means a bit of warmth, a bit of a welcoming atmosphere,

unlike this place.

No, it's an emergency service vehicle.

We needed one with all that dreadful food we would serve.

Now, Jay, you often appear on MasterChef.

Have you ever tucked into an egg

and realised you were accidentally eating Gregg Wallace?

There have been moments when I've wondered.

-LAUGHTER

-Very funny that.

-Yeah.

Also on MasterChef,

why are they always going on about people called Sue?

-They don't.

-They do!

Sue Flay,

Sue Chef,

Sue Et Pudding!

It's funny, cos they're not even people.

How dare you!

My name is Sue Et Pudding

and for that I'm suing!

Well, actually, I'm Sue Ing.

Did somebody call?

What a load of old tripe.

I'll eat it later.

-LAUGHTER

-Now, you're always whingeing

about other people's food, but are you a good cook?

-Yeah, I can cook, I can cook.

-Well, I'm not.

I've always had trouble following a recipe.

Oh, I need to get out of here,

these jokes are terrible!

-HACKER CHUCKLES

-Now, Jay,

what's your favourite course?

My favourite course, I think it's dessert.

No, you didn't let me finish.

What's your favourite golf course?

Gleneagles or Royal Birkdale?

-Well, come on, which is your favourite?

-I hate golf!

Oh, stop harping on about golf, will you?

This show is meant to be about food.

-Of course, that's what I'm here for.

-Next question.

What's the perfect accompaniment for steak?

It's a very refined sauce called a Bearnaise.

Actually, it's Sue Et Pudding.

She's an expert on the clarinet. Look!

CLARINET BELLOWS

I do not like your technique.

Well, Jay, it's time to end the interview.

I'm pleased to say we got through it without anything terrible happening.

Oh, no! The ceiling's falling in again.

What kind of odd-job man are you?!

I am not an odd-job man!

-I'm a food critic!

-Oh, Larry, cut to something else.

Put on your dancing shoes,

because it's time for The Next Step...But One.

Oh, guys, guys, we've got one day until the Sub Regional

Inter-parish Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two.

-THEY GASP

-But there's a problem.

-No team?

-No costumes?

No discernible talent?

No, no, no, worse -

we can't figure out how to abbreviate the Sub Regional

Inter-parish Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two!

THEY SCREAM

# We'll show the world our moves

# It's gonna

# It's gonna

# It's gonna be our chance

# It's gonna be our chance

# But none of us can dance

# But none of us can dance. #

So, we're currently in crisis over how to abbreviate

the Sub Regional Inter-parish

Divisional Quarterfinal Heats: Part Two,

but I think I've got the solution.

Why don't we shorten it to

S-R-I-P-D-Q-F-H-P-T?

-No, that's still too long.

-OK.

Let's just call it Sripdqfer-hpt.

I beg your pardon?

Sripdqfer-hpt...

And the same to you!

Emma-Lee, I'm so pumped about this contest!

It's our once-in-a-lifetime chance to live out our dream!

Oh, give it a rest, love.

You sound like a TV talent show wannabe.

Emma-Lee's wrong,

I don't sound like a TV talent show wannabe.

And this is really my last chance to prove that, not only to myself,

but to my family, my friends

and everyone who has believed in me along the way.

And if I'm back here next week, I will give it 110%,

so I make it to boot camp and judges' houses.

Will.i.am, I won't let you down!

We'll only win at the Sripdqfer-hpt if we all work together.

That's why I'm giving the troupe a motivational talk.

Remember, everyone, there's no "me" in the word "team".

Yes, there is!

If you rearrange the E and the M, it clearly spells "me".

Erm, all right. How about this instead?

There is no "I" in the word "contingent",

which is another term for team.

But there is an "I" in "contingent".

And a "gent", which is what I am.

THEY BOO

Stop it! In that case, erm...

Oh, erm,

there's no "W" in the word "lamb".

Lamb, Lamb, Lamb.

That one doesn't even make sense.

I panicked, all right! I panicked!

To me, this whole process has been an emotional rollercoaster,

and we all know what that's like.

SOBBING

Why do these TV talent show wannabes keep referring to me

all the time?!

I find it very distressing, you know.

ROLLERCOASTER SOBS

# Another one bites the dust. #

'As our time on Z-Troupe comes to an end,

'I'll never forget the memories we've shared in this dance studio.'

Go, team!

No, come back. Come back, everyone. It was a figure of speech.

There was the time we worked on our tap.

Very carefully,

unscrew the body cover before moving on to the headgear nut.

Then there was the time we did the twist.

Twist...

..the wrench in a clockwise direction,

and your U-bend will never leak again.

And then there was the time we actually did a routine.

A routine radiator inspection, that is.

Hey, wait a minute.

All we're doing is plumbing.

Why aren't we learning to dance?

Dance? What are you talking about?

This is a plumbing college, son.

I wondered why you lot kept turning up in leotards.

Well, this is it.

We've finally made it to the Sub Regional Inter-parish

Divisional Quarterfinal Heats:

Part Two.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're too late.

This is the Sub Regional Inter-parish Divisional

Quarterfinal Heats: Part Three.

Oh, Sripdqfer-hpt!

THEY GROAN

I just want the world to know I've been on a really amazing journey.

An amazing journey to Bournemouth, that is,

where I'm currently servicing a combi-boiler.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hi, is this Emma-Lee?

Yes, who's calling?

-It's me, the real Emily. Why are you impersonating me, Hacker?

-Hacker...

Oh, I've never heard of him. No, but while you're on,

would you ever consider being a guest on Hacker Time?

Hacker Time? Never heard of it.

Touche.

Touche.

SHE SIGHS

That was D-U-L-L dull.

-Mm-mm!

-What are you drinking, Derek?

Oh, it's just a spiced cabbage latte with extra foam

-and a triple shot.

-A what?!

-It's a hug in a mug.

I saw it in a YouBend vlog.

It's the most delicious thing I've ever tried.

Oh, it sounds gorgeous. Let's see the review.

I'm so sorry that I've not vlogged for a couple of hours.

I need to be vlogging more and I know that.

By the way, if you want a tutorial on how to look a bit like me,

just comment below.

So, I know I mention this in every video,

but the spiced cabbage latte is like a hug in a mug.

No matter what sort of day you're having,

the comforting warmth of it will just pick you up.

Aah!

Did I mention that this video

is in no way sponsored by the spiced cabbage latte?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey, where do you want this gigantic free delivery

of spiced cabbage latte put in, mate?

Oh, I just can't take it.

Oh!

Well, I have never in my life seen such an awful...ly genuine

and not at all sponsored vlog.

Oh, I just can't wait to have a cup of spiced cabbage latte.

It's a taste sensation.

Jay, here's a question. If I went into a restaurant and did this...

bodgey-obity-obity-obity-obity,

-what would happen?

-They'd throw you out.

-Oh. Really, are table manners that important?

-Yeah.

Yeah, they are important,

actually cos it's about the other guests, isn't it?

Well, I think table manners are a waste of time.

And I shall demonstrate my position via the medium of sauge.

SWING MUSIC PLAYS

# When you sit down to a nice meal There are things you shouldn't do

# Play with your food, get in a mood Say words like knickers, bum and poo

# Be rude to your host Stick your head in a roast

# Talk with a mouthful of cress Drink soup through a straw

# Eat wheat off the floor

# Dine while you're not fully dressed... #

Oh, my privates!

# The bourgeoisie are critical of slurping

# I don't mind, I think it's fine

# I'm too busy burping and it smells of cress!

HE BURPS

# And I'm not fully dressed

# Yes, I'm sick of these fools and the pointless old rules

# Why can't I talk while I chew? Or eat in the nude?

# Be very crude? Saying words like knickers, bum and poo

# So I'll take a hike I'll do what I like

# And eat like an ape in the zoo

# You're driving me mad and I've something to add...

HE BURPS

# Kickers, bum and poo. Cress! #

What did you think of that? I want your full critical opinion.

-I can never unhear that song.

-How dare you be so rude?!

Where are your manners? Were you brought up by wolves or something?

Larry, do one of your coming up things. I am fur-i-ous.

Certainly, Hacker.

Well, we've plenty more courses of terrible comedy coming right up.

We've got a plate full of bad taste.

A side order of lumpy laughs.

Topped off by a dollop of disgust.

That's Hacker Time for you.

I'm back, I'm back, I'm all right. Now, Jay, come here. Come here, Jay.

-I'll tell you something, right.

-Yeah.

I found out what the secret ingredient is that makes meat paste

-taste really good.

-Oh, right, go on.

-This has never been disclosed to the public before.

-Tell me.

So this could be a world exclusive. The secret ingredient is...

-BELL RINGS

-Oh! Dinner time.

Whatever it is, I hope it's got mango chutney.

Well, I didn't really want to know anyway.

Now that Jay Rayner's here, we need to work on our presentation.

Right ahead of you. I've been working on this presentation

of our weekly sales figures.

No! Our food presentation.

-Quick, here comes a customer.

-Oh, yes.

-Hello, sir, what can I get you?

-I'm not sure.

-But it had better look good.

-Don't worry,

all our dishes are works of art.

Like this. The Mona Pizza.

Oh! The olives really follow you around the room, don't they?

-But I prefer something slightly less enigmatic.

-Well, how about this?

The Eiffel Tower made completely out of chips.

Oh, well, I couldn't eat all that.

-Then how about chips made entirely out of the Eiffel Tower?

-Oh, no.

I think I'll have that plate of food.

-I've never seen anything so beautifully presented.

-Certainly.

We got it free in a cereal packet.

-Oh. Mm.

-That was my lunch!

I'll fire up the van.

BELL RINGS

And now Hacker Time proudly presents Mister Chef Junior.

Well, you've got the balance of flavours right,

-but there's a problem with the lamb.

-What's wrong with it?

It's eaten all the potatoes.

Baa!

-Could the next contestant please bring up their food.

-Certainly.

HE GAGS

Not like that. Will you please bring it up to the counter.

I'll try my best, cocker, but I've not got that good an aim.

HE GAGS

-I take it this means there's a problem with your dish?

-Yes.

Look, there is. I can only get three channels.

-What about your starter?

-It's just over there, look.

On your marks, get set, go!

Go on, you little recipe card, you can win this. Oh.

Shall we move onto your main, what have you done?

-Well, I've done rabbit three ways.

-Really?

Yeah, this way,

that way

and this way again.

He got lost during that race.

I told you the recipe card would win.

-Have you made anything else?

-Yes. I've done a finger buffet, look.

It's wearing an onion ring.

Now get out, go on.

-Where's the vegetable?

-Well, I've got a stuffed marrow.

Oh, I'm full.

I've just eaten that finger buffet.

HE BURPS

-It smells of hand wash.

-Enough. Where's the dessert?

I've made a meat paste tiramisu

with a yeast extract coulis.

'For dessert, Hacker's made a meat paste tiramisu

'served with a yeast extract coulis.'

You do understand that to progress in this competition,

-this has to be perfect?

-Yes.

'Hacker understands that to progress in the competition,

'this needs to be perfect.'

It is time for me to have a taste.

-'It's time for Jay...'

-Hang on, hang on!

-Who are you?

-Actually...

-SPEAKS IN A HIGH PITCH VOICE:

-I'm Susan Et Pudding from earlier

in the programme and I'm moonlighting as a voiceover artist.

Get out.

-You know what?

-What?

-Hacker, this is really excellent.

-It's taking me on a journey.

-That's right.

A journey to the nearest hospital.

Those ingredients are 400 years out of date.

Uh-oh. Somebody, call this man an ambulance.

You're an ambulance.

Good gag there. Seriously, though, he does need...medical assistance.

Sue, do you know first aid?

I know lemonade.

Get ready to be madly disappointed,

it's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.

BELL RINGS

LAUGHTER

-And then you said, "What fish?" You do crack me up, Nige.

-Ha-ha-ha,

-what's this?

-Do you mind, Josh?

I'm having a conversation with the new kid, Nige. Yeah.

As I was saying,

you keep up level of banter like that, you'll go far.

# I used to be the teacher's pet

# I tried so hard How could he forget?

# Brought him an apple every day

# He'll have no more Braeburns from me, no way! #

# Nige, you're so great

# As for the apples, thanks for the crate

# By the way, your coursework, it was blazing

# That pie you baked me? Hashtag - amazing!

# He's filth, he makes me wince

# The guy's a leech, treating Dex like a prince

# Nige, these sandwiches, they're so great

# I'm giving them a big fat eight out of eight

# The perfect ratio of egg to ham

# And you cut the crusts off, you da man

# Just look at him, his smug little face

# I can't watch, he's taken my place

-# Oh, teacher's pet

-Whoa-a

# You're the best student I've ever had

-# Oh, teacher's pet

-Whoa-a

# A pleasure to teach, a lovely lad

-# Oh, teacher's pet

-Whoa-a

# That essay on ethics, megalols!

-# Oh, teacher's pet

-Whoa-a

# I'll really miss you in the summer hols!

# Pet. #

HE SOBS

-Who has put salt in my tea?

-It was Nige. It was Nige. Nigel did it.

Thanks for telling me, Josh.

You've always been my real favourite teacher's pet.

Nigel, I'm very disappointed in you. Get to the headmaster's office now.

Ohh!

He-he-he!

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most ground-breaking,

extraordinary quiz you've ever seen. It's the item we like to call...

Sit On The Lav-Lav And Answer Some Questions.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

TOILET FLUSHES

Jay, the rules of this game are bog-standard.

All you have to do is...

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

TOILET FLUSHES

..sit on the lav-lav, and answer some questions.

-How does it feel being sat upon my throne?

-It feels very warm.

It should be. The time will end when you hear this sound.

SHE PLAYS

I do not like your answers.

-Are you ready?

-Just about.

In that case, start the clock. In Italy, antipasti is?

It's the stuff you eat before the pasta.

No. She's Uncle Pasti's wife.

I don't know why they both have the same name.

Now, here is Herman.

He has disguised this foodstuff as a famous TV cook.

-But who's that fruit to you?

-Is that Delia Smith?

No, it's Hairy Berry.

Get out, Herman. How do you make a sausage roll?

Well, you get pastry and sausage meat and you...

-No, you push it down a hill.

-OK.

How do you make a casserole?

You push it down a hill.

'Jay has answered, "You push it down a hill,"

'but has he done enough to convince the host that those

'are the correct ingredients to turn this into a ridiculous joke?'

No, you start by browning your onions and add salt to taste.

-What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

-Mascarpone!

No, a really big old pile of Cheddar.

-What's this dish called?

-That's fish and chips.

No, the dish is called Simon.

Cucumbers, discuss.

-Green, great if you peel them properly.

-Incorrect.

Complete this sentence, "There's no place like..."

-Home.

-No, it's there's no plaice like haddock.

-They're two different types of fish.

-Fair enough.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-I do not like your answers.

Time's up.

-That means you've won tonight's star prize.

-Which is?

'A sour-glazed slice of home-made handcrafted gristle

'braised on a confit of nothing and served on a bed

'of badly dried tomato awfulness drizzled with leftover... Oh.'

-What do you think about that, cocker?

-I couldn't be more proud.

Hurrah. And it's your lucky day because you've also won a holiday.

-Where, where am I going?

-A trip to the sewers beneath the studio.

It's a foodie's paradise, cocker. Any last words before you go?

Well, actually, yeah, there are a few things...

-JAY BANGS ON DOOR

-Herman, flush him away.

Argh, I'm going down the lav!

What a lovely odd-job man. I wonder who she was.

I'm off now to bleed my radiators, cockers.

But first I shall annoy you all with my horrific song. Join in or else.

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff

# It'll be top drawer

# Jay Rayner, the food critic, came in to fix my ceiling issue

# He judged my food on Mister Chef But he ended up in hospital

# Because he ate my tiramisu

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

I'm free at last!