Episode 1 Hacker's CBBC Top Ten

# Oh, Top Ten!

# Mmm, yes! #

You all right, me old cockers?! It's me, Hacker off the telly.

I'm counting down my top ten shows on CBBC,

so why don't you join me inside my little kennel?

But take your shoes off first, cockers! Heh, heh, heh!

Number ten on my list is Help! My Supply Teacher Is Magic.

Personally, I've never had a magic supply teacher, and if I did,

I don't think my initial reaction would be, "Help!"

I'd probably just say, "Oh, isn't that weird, me old cockers?!"

So the name of the show would then be

Oh! Isn't That Weird, Me Old Cockers? My Supply Teacher Is Magic.

This programme has spawned lots of spin offs,

including Help! My Supply Teacher Is Still Magic,

Help! My School Trip Is Magic

and Help! My School Trip Is Still A Supply Teacher.

Oh, and Help! My TV Show Is Running Out Of Ideas For Titles!

Ha, ha, ha!

The best thing about Help! though, is the presenter.

He's handsome, he's funny, he's a mesmerising screen presence.

What's his name again? Oh, yeah! Iain Stirling.

Yeah, Iain and I spent many happy years together in the CBBC office.

He was such a lovely man, but a terrible woman!

Oh, do you remember his hair?

Yes, his lank, long, complicated, filthy hair.

And as for his clothes,

I mean, why would anybody wear mustard-coloured trousers?

I've seen a better-dressed salad, cockers.

Frankly, the man's a mess, a stinking, bearded, vole-eyed mess!

I'm just glad he went, if I'm honest. Oh, yes.

But he's a lovely person, and a wonderful, well-dressed presenter,

and I miss him, and that's why, in my top ten list of CBBC shows,

Help! My Supply Teacher Is Magic is number ten!

HE SNORTS