Episode 7 HH: Gory Games Play Along

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory

# Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me,

Dave Lamb and my assistant, Rattus Rattus.

Rattus, have you been eating my jelly beans?

-What gives you that idea?

-Oh, I don't know.

Maybe the fact that you've still got your head stuck in the jar.

Oh, this? Oh, no, no, no.

I'm just training to be an astronaut.

Oh, that's good. Because I will happily boot you into space

if you eat any more of my sweeties.

-Oh!

-Right.

On this show, you get to test your knowledge of horrible histories

with quirky quiz questions and gloriously gory games,

so let's crack on and meet our horrible historians.

-Hi, I'm Jasmine.

-Hello, Jasmine.

-Hi, I'm Greg.

-Hello there, Greg.

-Hi, I'm Monica.

-And hello there, Monica.

And you can play along at home too, using the Gory Games App

and if you haven't got it yet, check out the CBBC website.

Right. Jasmine, Greg, Monica, you're here to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains an historical date

and at the end of the show, your Year Spheres will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total and BC dates

being subtracted from it.

So, if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus?

-Er, ah, 312?

-No. Wrong answer.

Or to look at it another way,

the right answer to a different question.

Your total would be 735.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

wins a historical prize picked out by my own fair paws -

one that money can't buy.

And, sadly, more often than not, one that money wouldn't want to buy.

Oi!

Right, time to get stuck in,

and to find out what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

Arr! The Putrid Pirates, it be.

And your four pirate topics are, messages, punishments,

Blackbeard and Pirate Talk.

Jasmine, you get to pick first, this round.

Er, punishments, please.

In 1695, Dutch pirate, Dirk Chivers captured Captain Sawbridge

and held him for ransom.

Sawbridge moaned so much, that pirate Dirk did what to him -

A) threw him overboard,

B) sewed up his mouth,

or C) cut off his tongue?

Honestly. History, you couldn't make it up.

Let's see your answers now.

Everyone has gone for C.

Well, let's find out.

B. He sewed up his mouth.

Yeah, that ought to shut him up.

It would shut him up but, sadly, you were all wrong.

You were all being a bit too gruesome, to be honest.

It's an awful thing to happen, isn't it?

I can think of someone else round here who could do

-with having their mouth sewn up.

-Who's that, Dave? Who, who?

Who can it be?

Please, tell me, Dave, tell me now if you could, please, thank you.

Take a wild guess, Rattus.

So, Greg, your turn to pick a topic. No points scored yet.

I'll take Pirate Talk, please.

Pirate Talk. That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

What were pirates' slops -

were they A) horrible left-over food,

B) their trousers,

or C) the contents of the ship's toilet?

Mmm, that is a tricky one.

What do you think? A, B or C?

Show me your answers now, please.

So Jasmine and Greg in agreement. Monica going out on her own.

Rattus, what is the answer?

The answer is B, slops.

Slops were pirate trousers.

Sailors were the first people to wear trousers.

Just because I'm asking the question,

doesn't mean it's always about poo.

No, not always. So, Monica, well done.

You've scored the first point of the game.

We're on our way and it's your turn to pick a topic.

Messages, please.

If an angry pirate was coming to get you, what might he send you -

was it a piece of paper with A) a red diamond,

B) a black square,

or C) a black spot?

Ooh, I know the answer, I know the answer.

Let me see your answers now, please.

So, Jasmine and Greg agreeing again with C and Monica going for A.

Let's hear the answer.

C. He'd send you the black spot.

Obviously, that was before e-mail.

Long before e-mail.

So, that means that everyone is level-pegging with just one topic

left in this round.

That topic is Blackbeard.

'Tis I, Blackbeard the Pirate. Here be my question.

Why did I shoot me mate, Israel Hands -

A) for burning me supper,

B) for stealing a gold coin,

or C) for fun?

So, Blackbeard the Pirate. Why did he shoot his mate, Israel Hands?

OK, so Greg and Jasmine agree again with C

and Monica has gone with B.

The answer is C.

I shot him and maimed him for life just for fun.

Excellent. Well, that means at the end of that round,

we have a tie-breaker situation.

Jasmine and Greg, you are still in this.

Monica, you're history, just for now.

First one to buzz in and give me the correct answer will win

a Year Sphere, so, fingers on top of your buzzers for me, please.

Beginning with the letter C, what is the name of a pirate's curved sword.

-Jasmine?

-I forgot.

-Oh, no, Jasmine.

It's not the answer I've got down here. Bad luck, Jasmine.

-That means it automatically passes over to you Greg.

-Cutlass.

Cutlass is right. Greg, congratulations.

You've won the first quiz.

Time to choose your Year Sphere from our trolly wally.

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, oh,

this is heavier than it looks, Greg, I tell ya. There we go.

-Come on, choose your Year Sphere. Any one you like.

-I'd beware.

One of those could contain a Stone Age date

and that could be worth a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push, push, push.

So, winning the quiz means that Greg is automatically through to

play the Pirate Game, but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

It's an all-play messy game,

so that means it's off down the sewer with the lot of you.

-Go on, Monica. Get in there.

-Cor!

It's not as smelly as it seems. In you go.

All the way down. Lovely stuff.

Just try and hold your nose there, Jasmine.

This game is all about chests and keys.

And where are the keys? Well, that would be telling,

but there are some clues to help you find them.

It's time for Pirate Treasure.

The first person to retrieve the treasure map from inside

their chest will win the Year Sphere but, be warned,

it may not be as easy as it seems.

Ah-ha-ha-ar!

Thank you. Are you ready? In three, two, one.

HORN BLASTS

So, our gamers need to read the clues on the chests carefully.

-Oh!

-Yes, difficult. Difficult, aren't they?

And then they've got to go and find the appropriate keys

in the right place. So, there's Jasmine's.

Pretty clear, she's gotta go and find a pirate coat.

That's the first thing Jasmine has to do. There we go.

Monica, she's found a key there in her swabbie's bucket.

Well, that's excellent. Excellent stuff.

Jasmine's supposed to be looking in a coat,

so I don't know what she's doing there.

But Monica's going to try and unlock that first trunk.

She's got a key, Jasmine, but that's going to be the wrong key.

I could be pretty sure of that. Yep, well done.

She's realised that mistake and gone back to the bucket.

That is an error, but Monica is off.

Now, she's got the second clue. Here it is.

Well, I think that's a parrot Rattus, and there is one.

You know your species, Dave.

Greg, meanwhile, is going about his business quietly.

He's got the first key, there. Look at that key.

It's absolutely covered in gunge.

Now, hang on a minute, Monica's got a key, but that's not the right one.

That was a bucket, not a parrot

and Jasmine's still not anywhere near a coat.

Now the second chest emerging for Greg.

That's brilliant, isn't it, Rattus?

It's excellent. An excellent result, there.

Greg's doing very well on today's programme.

And as we can see, what Greg needs now,

is the swabbie's bucket for his second key.

He's looking for it, he's looking for it. There's a hand.

Excellent, excellent hand, there.

Did I notice a little tooth mark in that hand?

Has someone been having a nibble?

Might have done.

Rattus, I've told you not to meddle with

the props before the games have taken place.

Monica still struggling to work out her clue.

Over here.

Jasmine seems to have got to a bit of a hiatus here.

She seems to be stuck.

Well, she's either considering it

or she's completely bemused.

Yes, it's one of the two, isn't it?

One of the two. Hello, this looks good.

Greg's gone into a bit

of a storming lead here, Rattus.

He has but Monica seems to be struggling

with the lock, there.

Well, neither girls have got the right key, that's why.

Oh, there's the third chest, there's the third chest.

Yes, Greg is really close, now.

All he's gotta do, is look very, very carefully at the instructions.

Oh, he's put slime on the instructions. Greg!

But he's after the hanging bag and he's at the hanging bag.

He's found the key, Rattus.

He's found it. He's found the key.

This is very, very exciting.

He's opening the third chest, now.

Can he be caught from here?

I wouldn't have thought so. He's opened the third chest.

He's opened the chest! He's opened the chest!

Oh! He's got the scroll.

Greg has won the Pirate Treasure challenge.

Greg, collect yourself your Pirate Treasure/Year Sphere.

Did you know that in pirate times, maps were considered to be treasure?

They were very rare and often showed all the trade routes,

meaning pirates could lie in wait for merchant ships to pass

and then steal all their precious cargo.

Don't you mean precious caaa-arr-go?

No, I don't. Moving swiftly on.

On to round two and to find out what's up next,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

And here are your Roman Topics.

Sports, hygiene, punishment and Britain.

So Greg, it's your turn to pick a topic first.

-Away you go.

-Hygiene, please.

True or false.

We Romans gargled human wee as a type of mouthwash.

Romans gargled human wee as a type of mouthwash.

Is that true or is that false?

Let's see your answers now, please?

And you've all gone for true. Let's find out.

It's true.

Yes, gargle with wee for the fresh, fresh whiff of the toilet.

Do not try gargling wee at home.

Unless you're a Roman or a rat.

Unless those two things. So, that's a point to everyone.

An excellent start. Monica, please pick a topic.

Sport, please.

True or false.

In Roman horse races, the losing horse was killed.

What a question. Is that true or false?

In Roman horse races, the losing horse was killed.

Show me your answers now, please.

Well, you've all agreed again.

You've all gone for false. Let's see if you're right.

It's false.

It was the winning horse that was killed as a sacrifice to Mars,

the God of War.

Always a good idea to keep in the God of War's good books.

You're all doing very, very well. Two points each. Lovely.

And it's your turn, Jasmine, to pick a topic.

Can I have Britain, please?

-Britain.

-Oh, it's a prop question.

There are our props. Two apples. True or false.

It was Romans who first brought apples to Britain.

Romans first brought apples to Britain.

Is that true or is that false?

You've all gone for false.

Well, I can tell you that it's actually true.

The Romans also introduced roses to Britain.

Yeah, as well as cats. Stupid Romans.

I think cats are lovely.

OK, it's the final question of the round.

You're all level-pegging. You're all still in this.

So, this question is absolutely crucial

and it is a question on punishment.

Is this true or false?

Here's a clue. It's either true or false

See your answers now, please.

Jasmine and Monica go for true, Greg goes for false.

I can tell you that it's false.

In fact, the punishment involved one in ten soldiers

being stoned to death.

Greg has won another Year Sphere. Fantastic work, Greg.

As the quiz winner, you're also through to play the Roman Game,

but will it be just you, or will the others play too?

Oh, it's a single-player Brainy Game.

Greg, back down the time sewer with you.

Go on, get in there. It's not horrible.

Phwoar, it stinks.

The Romans had a god for just about anything.

For instance, they even had Deverra, Goddess of Brooms.

I guess they'd run out of the good jobs.

It's time to play.

Odd Gods.

Seven Odd Gods, then, but two are totally made up.

Your challenge is to work out which five are the real Roman Gods.

Choose five names and then move them to the real boards.

Then touch Deverra's broom to find out how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations of names until you've got all five

but you've got to be quick because you're against the clock.

And your time starts now.

So, here goes Greg.

What's going to be his choice for his first real god?

Robigus, God of Mildew.

Well, it sounds funny, doesn't it?

But, er, Romans did have gods for virtually everything.

Although they didn't have a god for the Gory Games App,

which you can use to play along.

What's your assessment of his strategy, Rattus?

He's reading all the words from the beginning to the end which,

generally, you find difficult, Dave.

Yeah, I do find that very, very difficult.

He is doing very well, though.

Look at that, he's got all five up there.

Let's see how he's going to do?

Wow, he's got four right.

I'm not going to give away which one he's got wrong,

because the people at home are playing.

-And you don't know the answer.

-Yes, there is that as well.

Anyway, Robigus is gone and up comes Infesta, Goddess of Head Lice.

He's now got more wrong, so Infesta,

God of Head Lice must come back off.

That makes sense. Up goes Robigus.

Back up there for Robigus.

He's taken Vanilla, God of Ice Cream off.

Now where does that leave us? What's he doing here?

What's he doing here? Invidia, Goddess of Jealousy.

This looks good. And I think he's done it.

-Yes, yes. He's got it. Well done.

-Well, what a brainy child.

Greg, choose yourself another Year Sphere. And you're quite right.

The made-up ones were Infesta, Goddess of Head Lice

and Vanilla, God of Ice Cream.

RATTUS LAUGHS

-It's not that funny.

-No, it isn't, really.

Yes, Romans really believed in Gods of mildew and cupboards,

door hinges and jealousy, as well as a Roman Goddess of Sewers.

Or as we rats know her, Goddess of Home.

So, over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

Here are your four Vile Victorian topics.

Gadgets, cures, criminals and cars.

Monica, it's your turn to pick first.

Criminals, please.

True or false.

Victorians believed they could tell a criminal just by their looks

and general appearance.

Hmm.

Do you all have an answer?

And you've all gone for true. Well, let's find out.

It's true.

They believed sure signs of being a criminal were a low forehead,

dirty face, heavy dark eyebrows...

Hold on, I'm describing myself here.

It wasn't me, officer, I promise.

Yeah, we've only got your word for that. So, Jasmine.

-Your turn to pick a topic.

-Gadgets, please.

Gadgets. That...

Which prop... Sorry, I'm excited.

Rattus has just rather excitedly told you it's a prop question

and there is your prop.

True or false.

Here is a genuine Victorian contraption which was

made for making crinkly toasted sandwiches.

Show me your answers now, please. You've all gone for false.

You're all absolutely right.

Of course, it's not for making crinkly toasted sandwiches.

It's actually a Victorian iron which was used for ironing

ruffs which were special Victorian collars.

Was it hard ironing your collars in Victorian times, Dave?

You were alive back then, weren't you?

LAUGHTER

Is it me or can anyone else hear a really irritating noise?

Must be just me, then.

Greg, your turn to pick a topic.

Cures, please.

True or false.

A Victorian cure for a cold was to wrap a dead snake around your neck.

So, a Victorian cure for a cold was to wrap a dead

snake around your neck.

True or false?

Jasmine and Greg going for true, Monica going for false.

It's false.

But a cure for a cold was to wrap a sweaty sock around your neck.

Fortunately, when your nose is blocked, you can't smell the sock.

Yes, I'm glad I can't smell your socks, I'll be honest.

So, Monica, you did well there.

You've gone into the lead. There's one question left.

Cars.

Is this true or false?

Is that true or is that false?

Let's see your answers now, please.

You've all gone for true.

It's true.

You're absolutely right.

Early Victorian cars travelled so slowly that they could do that.

I mean, the speed limit was only 4mph.

Oh, the good old days when there were fewer squashed animals

on the road.

Yeah, I can think of one animal I wouldn't mind seeing squashed.

-Not really, Rattus.

-I just...

-I love you, really.

That means that Monica, with a clean sweep, four out of four,

has won the Year Sphere, so chose a Year Sphere for us, Monica.

Yeah, but don't forget,

BC dates will be subtracted from your final score.

You are through to play the Victorian game,

but will it be an all-play or a single-play game?

It's a single-play Brainy Game.

So, Monica, you know the drill.

Down that time sewer with you. Go on, in you go.

There she goes. Bye.

It's horrible.

Brunel was a brilliant Victorian engineer,

but a very average magician.

While performing a magic trick in 1843, he accidently swallowed

a coin which became lodged in his throat.

Brunel finally dislodged the coin with the aid of a clever device.

It's time to play...

Your challenge is to work out which cog goes where.

Once they're all in the right place, you can turn the wheel and flip

Brunel upside down to dislodge the coin and win your Year Sphere.

But, be quick, you're against the clock,

which is starting to tick...now!

So here we go, then, with Barmy Brunel, a game of invention

and imagination, isn't it, Rattus?

It certainly is. I'm imagining it.

It's going to be the best game ever.

Yes, it is and what an extraordinary start.

She's gone straight in there and I think that's the correct one.

It interlocks nicely with the main driving cog.

It does appear to do that, doesn't it, Dave?

Yes, now in goes number two. Is this going to be a good fit, I wonder?

Certainly room for it on the end there, isn't there, Rattus?

-There certainly is.

-Yes, she only needs to find two more cogs

and she's there. Oh, this is amazing, there's one right there.

Just needs one more. She's almost done it.

She's going to do it. She's going to... This is the last cog going

into place, now. This is incredible, she's done it already.

-Extraordinary.

-Oh, look out, here goes Brunel. He's tipping it over.

Brunel is completely over.

The coin will be nestling on the roof of his mouth.

She's got it, the coin is out of Brunel's mouth

and it's all thanks to Monica.

Well done, Monica. Collect yourself a Year Sphere.

Did you know Brunel's full name was Isambard Kingdom Brunel?

What bizarre Christian names, eh?

-Actually, I've been meaning to ask you this.

-Yes.

-Have you actually got a middle name?

-Yes, I do actually.

-Come on, what is it?

-It's Rattus.

Rattus Rattus Rattus? That is lazy of your parents.

When you've got 100 odd kids, good Christian names are in short supply.

No, fair enough. I can see their predicament.

Well done, everybody, you're playing very well.

Jasmine, don't worry about not having any spheres

because you can end up winning the game with no spheres.

It's time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all-play Middle Ages endgame

and it is a very, very messy one.

Get back down that time sewer.

That's it, Monica.

Just follow the others, Jasmine.

Well done.

Now, being a Gong Farmer may sound like a nice enough job

but let me tell you, it wasn't, as you'll find out when we play...

Gong was a Middle Ages word for poop

and your job is to collect the gong from the cesspit,

carry it along your lane and slop it into your measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most, collects the Year Sphere.

Oh, a word of warning.

Some people would poo directly through holes in the floor

onto the street below. Nice.

So, your lane is going to get very, very slippery indeed.

Ready, steady, get sloppy.

So we're off.

The gong farming begins and they each hare down their lanes to

try and fill up their buckets with poop.

-Rattus, what do you think of this?

-Oh, I think it's the best game ever.

-I thought you might.

-It's poopalicious.

I'd call it poopadoopalicious.

And look at that!

Well, Jasmine's already got one

bucket-load into her measuring cylinder

and the thing is to make sure your bucket is brimming with poo.

That's right, Dave and the other problem with

the buckets, of course, is they are canvas-like buckets as opposed

to solid buckets, so as they're running

back along the lane there, they drop

their bucket, they lose all their gong.

No, and I can see losing your gong,

you certainly don't want that to happen.

Monica seems to be doing very well, now, I think.

Monica's doing very well indeed.

She is, she is, but Greg, whilst he's very, very quick,

he never seems to take much poo with him.

Getting a little bit slippery already

because those buckets, of course, have tiny holes in the bottom.

Tiny holes. They're secreting a certain amount

of gong onto the runway there.

Yes, it's cruel of us, really, to have put holes in the buckets,

but then it is very, very funny when they fall over

and get covered in filth.

Oh, but taking a tumble there - poor Greg.

He'll be back up from that, though.

He's wearing proper safety equipment, you'll be glad to hear.

Of course, it's very important for me

to point out, that none of this is real poop.

-What? What, it's not real poop?

-Well, of course it's not real poop.

We can't have children rolling around in real poop.

Well, what's the point of... Oh!

There's the gong. Oh, my word.

And they did not like that.

I mean, if they weren't messy before, they're certainly messy now.

And poor old Greg is absolutely covered in the stuff.

30 seconds remaining.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, there's Greg emptying...

-He doesn't seem to empty much in, Greg, does he?

-He doesn't.

-He seems to be losing his poop on the way.

-He does.

He seems to be dropping his gong all over the place

but he arrives at the measuring cylinder and doesn't seem to get

any in, but, never mind, because here's Monica.

-Struggling over that middle way break.

-Oh, dear me.

What fool decided to put that in, I don't know.

I don't know.

Monica is doing extremely well,

-though, because she has moved a lot of poop.

-And it's all over.

It's all over and Greg has come a poor third, it has to be said.

Jasmine slips into second with a decent amount of poo.

Monica is the champion Gong Farmer.

Oh, you've changed your T-shirts, I'm glad to see.

You deserve a Year Sphere, Monica.

Of course, in many more remote places,

cesspits still exist today, though they're much more sanitary now

and they're not usually emptied by hand.

Oh, why do they have to go and spoil everything?

Right, time to count up those Year Spheres and remember,

AD dates are added to the total and BC dates are subtracted

and Jasmine, you're chuckling away there, but,

and this is a big but, nought could easily be the winning total because

there are BC totals which could put the others into minus territory.

So, we come to you, Greg. You've won yourself four Year Spheres.

Now, let's see what you've got. Open up that first one for me, please.

Oh, Greg, there is one of those BC totals.

432 BC, the building of the Parthenon

was finished in Athens that year.

1483 AD, Richard II became King of England and more importantly,

that's put you back into the positives.

37 AD, Caligula became Emperor of Rome.

And your final one. Let's have a look at it.

1939 AD, the start of the Second World War,

which means you end up with a positive score of 3,027.

So, that is what you've got to beat Monica.

Let's start by opening your first Sphere.

55 BC, Julius Caesar invaded Britain. We don't need any more BCs.

We need big positives. Ooh, no!

1323 BC, the death of Tutankhamen.

Let's have a look at the third one.

1891 AD. Well, at least you've clawed your way back

into the positives.

Your total has ended up as 513.

For those interested, by the way,

-in 1891, school was made free for every child.

-Hooray!

A significant and lovely thing.

So, Greg is today's winner with 3,027 points and he goes home

with our star prize and our prizes really do have the wow factor.

As in, "Wow! I can't believe they call that a prize!"

So, it's over to my furry friend, to find out what trash he's

plucked out of the time sewers for you today.

Rattus.

It's a plate.

It's a plate. Is that it?

It's a Saxon plate made out of 100% pure horse poo.

Should have seen that coming. Yes.

Greg. Here it is. I'm so sorry about this.

It's a horse poo plate. Enjoy it.

Don't, whatever you do, eat off it.

Well, it just remains for me to say,

thanks to our champion, Greg.

Thanks to our gallant runners-up, Jasmine and Monica

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

You know, I think I've only ever eaten off poo plates.

Couldn't be less surprised.

Next time, why not play along by downloading the Gory Games App

from the CBBC website.

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