Scary Special Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, you can see And your host... #

Well, that's me!

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Boo! Ha-ha-ha!

What's that? Oh, you could see my head.

I'll try again.

Boo! Ha-ha-ha!

Hello, and welcome to the Horrible Histories Scary Special,

with me, Death. Ha-ha-ha!

I've been asked to put together my top 12 favourite things

from all of Horrible Histories.

Oh, shouldn't it be top 13? 13's a scarier number,

What's that, Mother?

Yes, all right, yes, I'll get on with it. OK.

At number 12, it's witches,

and there were lots of them about in the Stuart era,

if you believe this fella.

I love this sketch, it's a classic.

'Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?'

Argh!

'Trip or fall at work?'

Argh!

'Suffered a personal injury or sickness?

'Then, you could have been cursed by a witch.

'So get in touch with us, at Witchfinders Direct.'

We'll find some innocent woman, say she's a witch,

and have her burned to death.

Argh!

'Farmer Pocket of Crawley lost all his cabbages

'when they were eaten by slugs.

'He lost literally several shillings.

'So he called in Witchfinders.

'And we decided the slugs had been sent by the strange old woman

'who lived in the village.

'Yes, her.'

It wasn't me.

'Yes, it was. She's old and warty, and looks a bit evil,

'don't you think?

'So we had her dragged away, and given a fair trial.'

Do you have a cat?

Yeah.

Then, thou art a witch.

'She was put to death, and her cat sent to prison.'

So if you have anything go wrong in your life, call Witchfinders Direct.

We'll find some innocent old woman and blame her for it.

'Witchfinders. Because old ladies deserve it.'

In the 1600s, confessing to being a witch could result in burning.

Not confessing could result in being tortured

until you said you were a witch. Then, in burning.

Not all witches were burned. Other punishments included

forced fasting, exile, hanging, beheading, stoning and gouging.

Did you know that Matthew Hopkins, the Stuart Witchfinder General,

was responsible for 300 executions?

Ha-ha-ha!

I know! Only 300!

He barely makes it onto my Execution-o-meter.

Anyway, what's next on my list of scary things?

At number 11, it's mothers! Ha-ha-ha!

I'm joking. I'm kidding, Mother, it's a joke!

No, I've gone for aliens. Ha-ha-ha!

This story cracks me up.

Greetings, horror hounds. I am Vincenzo Laughoff.

And this week's scary story is from the Middle Ages.

It's called The Children Of Woolpit.

It was 1173, an especially eerie yearie,

when the small village of Woolpit, in the county of Suffolk,

was invaded by creatures from another world.

Oooh...

Indeed.

One day, two aliens appeared in the village.

These aliens had taken the form of two children, a boy and a girl.

But their skin was bright green

and they spoke in a strange, alien language...

HE SPEAKS IN AN ALIEN VOICE

..or something.

Yes, the villagers of Woolpit were terrified.

These green-skinned aliens demanded to be fed,

but what they ate was truly chilling.

Something no real human child would eat without being forced.

Yes, vegetables!

Aaah!

And then, quite without warning, the boy alien dropped down dead!

Aaah!

And the girl alien?

Well, that's the strangest part of all.

She became a part-time domestic servant.

Ahem!

It turned out that these children were not from Mars or Venus,

they were from...

Belgium.

They were orphans, the children of Belgian cloth makers.

Their skin was green, because of the dye the parents used on the cloth.

They'd been living in the woods so long

the only food they recognised was vegetation.

The boy died of malnutrition, the girl grew up, learned English,

got married, and went to work for a local knight.

This is not a scary story, is it?

It's a sort of boring story, with a weird beginning.

That isn't the same thing. I mean, why am I here?

I grew a goatee for this.

It's unbelievable!

I'm going to my dressing room, and there had better be doughnuts.

Next up, at number ten, it's more witches.

I can't get enough of them.

In the Tudor era, they saw them everywhere.

There we are, my darlings.

Daddy, can we get a cat?

BOTH: Oh, please, can we? Can we, please, please?

Now, come on kids, we've been through this before, haven't we?

You know we can't have a cat, because a cat could be...a witch!

Witches in disguise, they be!

It's a well-known Tudor fact

that witches often disguise themselves as cats.

How about a dog, then?

BOTH: Oh, please, a doggy, they're so cute and cuddly!

I know they are, but you know we can't have a dog,

because a dog could be...a witch!

Witches in disguise, they be!

Well, then, can I at least keep this toad I found?

Witch!

Witches in disguise, they be!

FROG CROAKS

SPLASH

Oh!

WASP FLIES IN

Argh!

This witch has turned itself into a wasp!

Argh! Begone.

Evil witch, begone!

Excellent, yes.

All safe and sound now.

EVIL CACKLING

-Morning, dear.

-Morning.

BOTH: Morning, Mum.

Did you have a nice night's work?

Well, mustn't grumble, but I'm famished now,

I could eat a small child.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, ha-ha!

I'd give it five minutes, if I were you.

Had a curry last night, feel like death warmed up.

Ha-ha-ha!

Death warmed up, the curry warmed me up, I'm Death.

Anyone? Anyone? Oh, forget it.

Now, at number nine, it's Roman Emperors.

But which one to choose?

They're all so evil and twisted.

Caligula, Commodus? No, it's got to be...

Nero!

I'm a huge fan of his work. I am, I really am.

Emperor Nero, fabulous party.

Thank you, thank you.

I love what you've done with the place.

-I particularly like these huge candles.

-Oh, yeah.

I had them made specially.

Shaped like Christians.

They ARE Christians.

SCREAMING

Sorry? What? Real Christians?

Yeah, actual Christians. Can we get another candle, please?

Candle on lawn six.

Emperor, erm, how can you do that?

Oh, it's very simple. You just get a Christian,

tie him to a stake, dip him in tar, stick a wick on top of him,

voila - Christian candle.

SCREAMING

-They're in excruciating pain!

-I know! It's brilliant, isn't it?

You get to light up your garden and torch Christians at the same time

so, you know, two birds, one stone.

Isn't it a bit, dare I say it... sick?

How so?

Well, I mean, torturing a fellow human being like that.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say you feel a bit sorry for him.

SCREAMING

You're not Christian, are you?

Only that candle's just gone out.

We need another Christian.

You were saying?

Well, I love the party.

Particularly like those...

SCREAMING

..those great candles.

HE LAUGHS

-I agree.

-Really good.

SCREAMING

Really good candles...

You like the candles, you should see the fireworks later.

So, anyway, yeah, this is my gaff, my pad, my crib.

Well, yes, technically, it's your crib, Mother.

I still live with my mum... Which is lovely!

No, it isn't, it's awful.

As soon as I get enough money, I am out of here.

Anyway, on to my next selection.

At number eight, it's deaths,

and not just any old deaths but...

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true Hoo-hoo! #

Come on, Mother, sing along, this is what I'm famous for.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hee-hee! #

Here, from the Middle Ages, is one of my absolute favourites.

Next!

And your name is?

Henry I, King of England.

HE FARTS

Oh, sorry.

Well, Henry, you seem to have a little problem.

Anything you'd like to divulge?

Yes, I'll tell you my story, but I'm going to have to be quick.

Yes, please.

I was visiting my grandchildren in Normandy

and I had a lovely meal of my favourite dish - lamprey.

Lamprey?

Yes, it's a kind of eel, well nice.

Oh, yes, yes, they are nice. Carry on.

I just loved them so much and I scoffed and I scoffed

and I scoffed, um, um, um, um...

And I had so many that I got a real pain in my gut.

Did the eels make you feel EEL? He-he-he!

Do you get it? Eel, ill... I'm saying eel, ill, eel...

Yes, I get it.

-Oh, it's just you didn't laugh, so I thought...

-No.

..you didn't hear it. No, OK, carry on.

Well, my doctor advised me to take a laxative.

He said it would give me diarrhoea for a day,

-but it would clear out my bowels.

-Hm, charming(!)

Yes, and clear out my bowels it certainly did.

I just kept on pooing and pooing and pooing.

-Yes?

-Until I died.

HE LAUGHS

Hey, you could say you were DYING to go to the toilet!

HE LAUGHS

-Can I go now?

-I'll just confer with the judges.

Hm, er, yes, yes, oh...

-Yeah, oh, I completely agree.

-No, no, I really need to go now.

Well, Henry, congratulations,

you're through to the afterlife.

Thank you. Gangway!

HE FARTS

Poo-ee, you sure one of those wasn't you, hm?

You? Oh, how could you? Face of an angel.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo! #

At number seven, who better to scare you

than the people who gave us the word "scare"? It's got to be...

the Vikings.

Viking warriors, tomorrow, as the sun rises,

we set sail for England!

CHEERING

-We have our axes! ALL:

-Yes!

We have our daggers.

We have our swords.

But now, we have a new weapon at our disposal.

Make-up.

HE CHUCKLES

-What?

-Do this, my brothers...

..and you shall strike fear into our enemies' hearts.

-ALL:

-Yes!

Let's go and kill some monks!

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Sven, my old friend, excellent. You will chill the enemy to their bones.

Bjorn, that's what I call really scary.

Erik...

It's the nose, isn't it? A bit too much?

No, it's really terrifying.

Let's get us some monastery!

THEY SCREAM

Has he gone? Oh, I can't stand clowns, really, I can't.

They give me the creeps with their white gloves and white faces

and weird hair. Ooh-oh.

Anyway, on with the funny stuff.

What's next on my list of favourite things?

At number six, it's horror.

Yes, there's nothing like a good horror movie to lift the spirits

and have a good laugh. Ha-ha.

Er, she prefers romcoms.

Here's a horror from the Second World War, enjoy.

'He had been evacuated from the city

'to a foster home in the country.'

This is your new home now, Charlie,

until the Germans stop bombing London.

Don't worry, you'll be safe here.

-Can I go play, Mrs Jones?

-Of course, Charlie.

Mind you don't come to any harm.

'But here he was to face something

'even more terrifying than German bombs.

'It was like nothing he'd ever seen before in the city.'

Moo!

Ahhhh!

'It came from the meadow.'

Moo!

Ahhhh!

It had horns to butt with

and it made a terrifying noise!

Moo!

Ahhhh!

It had six sides and it had a tail on which hangs a brush!

Don't be silly, Charlie, it's just a cow.

Aaaah!

'Everything was new, everything was scary.'

Baa!

HE SHRIEKS

'The farm. Just when you thought it was safer in the country.'

It is.

Next up, at number five,

it's the Aztecs.

Did you know that Aztec priests used to sacrifice

about 50,000 victims a year in lots of gruesome ways?

Ha-ha! What's not to like? Take it away, boys.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

# We're Aztec priests So mind your head

# Our prisoners always wind up dead

# Our favourite colour is blood red We're not nice

# At an Aztec temple's opening day

# We priests would please Our gods this way

# Hoards of enemies we'd slay Mass sacrifice

# To win at war Make crops grow more

# To cure our kids when ill

# The sun to shine This song to rhyme

# More victims we must kill

ALL: # Hah, hah, hah, hah

# You won't survive You won't survive

ALL: # Hah, hah, hah, hah

# Ain't staying alive Ain't staying alive, yeah!

# With sacrifice, we priests appease

# Our gods each powerful big cheese

# Let's hear it for your favourites Please, ah-ah-ah-ah!

BOTH: # We're doing it for Toci!

# The Aztec goddess At the earth's heart

BOTH: # We're doing it for Chantico!

# Goddess who makes volcanoes start

BOTH: # We're doing it for Itzli!

# The goddess of stone knives

BOTH: # We're doing it for Itzpapalotlometeotlchiconahuiehecatl

# Uh... Some other god's Great lives!

ALL: # Hah, hah, hah, hah

# Don't cross us Aztecs We advise ya

ALL: # Hah, hah, hah, hah

# Or you'll end up as fertiliser Yeah!

# Our year starts in November When every priestly member

# Is asked if they'll remember Our Aztec dead

# We do this if you haven't guessed By getting something off your chest

# Your heart would probably be best Or else your head

# And then, on our year planners It's the raising of the banners

# And it's only polite manners To kill more guys

# December and January Dismembering methods vary

# All you need to know is that we pile them high

# May and June, it's summertime The killing is easy

# It's only halfway Through the year

# I bet you're feeling queasy

# In autumn time, we sweep our homes And kill some more, but then

# By late October, the killing's over Then, it starts up again

BOTH: # Hah, hah, hah, hah

# You won't survive You won't survive

BOTH: # Hah, hah, hah, hah

# Ain't staying alive Ain't staying alive

BOTH: # Hah, hah, hah, hah

# Want to live until you're old?

BOTH: # Hah, hah, hah, hah. #

Avoid us priests, you've been told.

You're watching my scary special.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, sorry, doorbell scared me.

Ahhh!

Thought I saw a ghost, then.

Just a sec.

Yes?

Delivery for Mr De'Ath. Sign here, mate.

Oh, OK. Um, I wonder what it is!

It's a scythe, mate.

Oh, thanks a lot, ruin the surprise, why don't you?

Honestly, there's no magic any more, is there? No mystique. Hm!

Our Roman Emperor, Caligula,

could be a really nasty piece of work,

even to his loyal followers.

But don't tell him I told you so.

Oh, mighty Caligula!

Are my eyes deceiving me?

Have you recovered from your dreadful illness?

Oh, thank the gods!

-Don't touch the toga.

-Oh, sorry.

Indeed I am better,

and I am told that when my doctors didn't know what to do with me

it was you who came to my rescue.

-Oh, it was nothing.

-Nothing at all.

You begged to the gods to make me better.

Well, now you come to mention it....

I don't want to make a big thing of this at all,

but it was actually my idea.

-All right.

-Well, it was.

Why do you have to do that?

Well, I came to say thank you,

so, uh, thank you.

-Was that it? No gold?

-No land?

Not even a bit of small change for me?

-After all, it was my idea.

-Why do you keep saying it?

Well, I don't know what you do with it where you're going.

Am I missing something here?

Well, I understand - and forgive me if I'm wrong here -

but when you prayed to the gods for my speedy recovery

you did, at one point,

offer the gods your lives in return for mine.

Yes...technically.

And my good health has recovered.

So now it's your turn to keep your side of the bargain.

Please! Have mercy!

"I've got a great idea," she says. "It'll all be all right," she says.

All right! I'll give you me death!

What a lovely couple!

Don't you think so, Mr Finger?

No, they stink!

Ooh, you're right, they did.

Someone burn this toga.

A peasant has touched it!

Next, at number three, it's pirates.

I mean, what's scarier than a pirate?

A pirate doctor, that's what.

Oh, you poor thing, that looks nasty,

but I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

-I'll just see if there's a doctor around.

-Argh, morning, nurse!

Morning, and you are?

One-Eyed Ned, pirate extraordinaire.

I've got my chest here full of the finest pirate medicines.

Argh, sea water. Hemlock.

That's poisonous, isn't it?

Only if I don't read the instructions,

which I probably won't,

cos they're all in Latin and I can't read anyway. Ha-ha-ha!

Right, let's have a look at you, me young swabby.

Argh, touch of scurvy, eh? Argh, well, there's not much

a bit of blood-letting won't cure.

Removes other toxins, so it does.

I haven't got scurvy, I've just got a cut on my leg.

Argh! Why didn't you say so?

Oh, we'll have it off in no time.

Off?

Yeah, you don't want a rotten leg aboard a ship, do you?

-But it's only a little cut.

-Well, better safe than sorry.

Trust me, I'm a carpenter.

A carpenter? I thought you said you were a doctor?

We had a doctor!

But he died, he mostly just sawed off limbs anyway. Ha!

And I'm the ship's carpenter, so I know me ways about a saw.

Say "Argh."

-Argh.

-Argh!

-Argh.

-Argh!

Oh, you're a chatty one, ain't ya?

Isn't there anything you can give him to ease the pain, any anaesthetic?

-Oh, I've never heard of 'em.

-Oh, rum, maybe?

Don't mind if I do.

HE MOANS

Not so fast, laddie!

Better see if he survives first.

-No good wasting good rum on the dead.

-Yeah.

Nurse, the leg.

Almost finished, all we got to do now is seal the wound.

-With stitches and a clean dressing?

-No!

With a load of hot tar. Argh.

HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

Oh, good thinking, nurse!

Argh, hah, hah, argh.

Here's your new leg.

And next, at number two, it's executions.

Uh-huh! I love a good execution, and so did the Georgians.

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

When? 1724, when a third of London's population

turned out to see Britain's most famous criminal.

To find out more, let's go over live to Jessica Harvey-Smyth,

who's soaking up the atmosphere.

As you can see,

thousands of people have turned up just to catch a glimpse

of their hero, Jack Sheppard,

Perhaps one of London's most glamorous criminals.

He's escaped from prison not once, not twice but four times,

and these people clearly love him for it.

Jack Shepherd is well lush.

Yeah, he's like such a rebel and he's so daring.

So how long have you been a fan?

Er, like since his first escape.

He was being held in St Giles' Roundhouse,

he broke out through the roof.

Yeah, he lowered himself to the ground using bed sheets

tied together, it was well wicked.

And I really liked it when he escaped from Newgate Prison

-dressed in ladies' clothes.

-Yeah, that was so awesome.

There he is, there he is!

Let's try to get an interview with him.

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack!

HHTV News, um, can we have a few words?

Of course you can, nice to meet you.

Oh, well, um, 300,000 Georgians have turned up

just to catch a glimpse of you, Jack,

that's one quarter of London's population, um, are you nervous?

A few butterflies, it's not every day you're executed.

Well, when you say executed, I'm sure you're planning to make

one of your trademark daring escapes?

Ooh, you know me so well.

I do have a trick up my sleeve, actually,

it's a penknife.

-Brilliant.

-And I'm going to use it...

I'll have that. This way, sonny.

I'll think of something!

Jack Sheppard there.

Can't wait to see how he's going to get out of this one.

And the crowd are going to go absolutely wild,

and Jack is getting up on the scaffold now

and he's putting his head in the noose.

I'm sure he's about to make his move any time now.

And the hangman is about to open the trap door.

He should be escaping any second.

THUMPING, CROWD GASPS

Still, always nice to see a good public execution.

Great day out for all the family.

So, who's at number one?

The tension is killing me! Not really, I'm already dead.

Ha! Keep up, keep up. Drum roll, please, Mother.

Whatever.

So...at number one,

it's ME, of course! Ha-ha!

I couldn't decide between all the awful things that were left,

so I decided to include all of them in a song.

My singing's awful, too.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

# Fairy cakes, baby ducks Warm winter mittens

# Snowflakes on puppies And cute cuddly kittens

# One of these might be Your favourite thing

# But not me - it's scary That makes me go zing! #

Hee, hee, hee!

# Smallpox and scurvy And fatal diseases

# Lesions and lurgy I like to hear wheezes

# Of bogies and poo I just can't get enough

# Yes, that's just a bit Of my favourite stuff

# Scary, hairy

# Things that go bump in the night

# Slimy, grimy

# I love all that stuff That gives you a fright... #

Boo!

# Emperor Vitellius Being dumped in Rome's sewers

# Brandings with irons For Tudor wrongdoers

# Burke and Hare stealing From Edinburgh's graves

# Yes, these are a few Of my personal faves

# Creepy, weepy

# Do I prefer pustules or boils? Hm...

# Spooky, kooky

# Some of my best friends Look like gargoyles

# William the Conqueror's Exploding body

# A gutsy performance A funeral most oddy

# Ivan the Terrible Stealing a bishop's togs

# Sewed him in bear skins And let out the dogs... #

Woof, woof!

# When I'm feeling Just a bit miz

# Standing at death's door

# I simply remember What makes people barf

# And then I just laugh

# Loads more!

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Hee-hee-hee-hee! #

Well, that's all we've got time for.

So it's bye-bye from me,

and bye-bye from Mother.

Bye-bye!

# ..Atrocious acts, we gave you all The fearsome facts... #

If you enjoyed that,

why not come and play?

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd