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Horrible Christmas

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and truthless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that

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# And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

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Welcome to Horrible Histories Horrible Christmas.

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This show is going to be a real cracker!

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By which I don't mean it's full of bad jokes.

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Right, I'm off for a mince pie whilst you lot watch this.

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Ho ho ho!

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One of my favourite things about Christmas is watching telly.

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But you won't believe what passed for

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good Christmas entertainment in the Middle Ages.

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# Finally found my place in paradise... #

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-Next!

-What? Why?

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Let me try another song.

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How about some Taketh That, or the Jonas Brethren?

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Oh, no. Next!

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Are you sure he's not good enough, sir?

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You have seen every jester in the country.

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No! I'm looking for something extra special here.

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I want some top notch, quality entertainment, Chamberlain.

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There is one more name on the list.

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Next!

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I'm bored already.

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HE FARTS

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Roland the Farter at your service.

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HE FARTS

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That is brilliant! Chamberlain, book Roland here for the Christmas party.

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In fact, I want you to do this jump-fart thing

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at every Christmas party from now on!

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Shower this man with rewards!

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HE FARTS

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Yes! Bravo! Yes!

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Give this man a manor house, that one in Suffolk.

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Oh, and 20... No, 30 acres of land!

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Nothing is too much for such a talent.

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Talent? You can't be serious.

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He's not a proper entertainer.

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If was farting you wanted, you only had to say!

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I mean, how hard can it be?

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HE FARTS

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Oh...

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I think I tried too hard.

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Get cleaned up, be on your way.

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I will not speak a word of this.

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Thank you.

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HE FARTS

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Open a window!

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Oh, yes, they certainly had a different way of

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celebrating Christmas in the Middle Ages.

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On Twelfth Night, peasants didn't have the silent night

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that you hear about in the carol.

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Instead, they went out wassailing.

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Greeting, ghoulish fans of the dark.

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I am Vincenzo Larfoff, and this week's scary story is...

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It's a poem?

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How's that supposed to be scary?

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Oh, yes, all right. I suppose it is Christmas.

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I'll read it.

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Twas the night before Childermass, and all through the land

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The children were whipped at Mum and Dad's hand

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28th of December, that was the time

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But why were they beaten?

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Let's find out in rhyme

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Childermass was a medieval convention

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It actually happened, it isn't invention

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The story I tell you is horribly true

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It isn't made up, I do promise you

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Back in the time of the dark Middle Ages

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They would celebrate Christmas horribly strangely

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Instead of trees and presents and riding on sleds

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Children would hide out under their beds

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Back then, as part of an ancient tradition

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They were to be beaten into submission

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But why were they treated in this terrible way?

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Well, because of what happened in King Herod's day

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King Herod ruled in Biblical times

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He killed all the babies - a terrible crime

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And to remind children of what came to pass

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The adults invented Childermass

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Yes, the children were whipped, and that may sound cruel

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But it was just to remind them of King Herod's rule

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Today we have Santa, and presents and trees

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A much better Christmas, I think you'll agree

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So be thankful, be happy, and make sure you sleep tight

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Merry Childermass to all, and to all a good night!

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Actually, that was pretty scary.

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Can someone turn the lights up?

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No, really, please. Thanks.

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Hello, and welcome to the News At When.

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When? Christmas Day 1066, which was a double celebration,

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because it was also the day William the Conqueror was crowned King.

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Let's go over to our royal correspondent,

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who's outside the original Westminster Abbey.

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We're about to witness the coronation of

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England's first-ever Norman King, William the Conqueror.

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So, as one of the new King's guards,

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what is the mood amongst the Norman soldiers?

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Well, it is quite tense, because nobody knows

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how the crowd will react to William the Conqueror.

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Why's that?

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Well, because he came to power here by killing lots of English people.

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The clue is in the name - Conqueror.

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I knew that. I knew that. Ah! And there he is!

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Let's see if we can grab a few words.

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Your soon-to-be Majesty, erm,

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how are you feeling on this most historic day?

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HE SPEAKS FRENCH

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For those of you who are not fluent in French,

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he just said... something in French.

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Ah! And here's the Archbishop of York.

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By the power vested in me,

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I hereby crown you, William of Normandy, King of England.

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Pardon?

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You, King!

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Ah, oui, la monarchie! Tres bien!

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Vive le Roi!

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Pardon - long live the King!

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THEY CHEER

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A fantastic reception there. The King has got to be pleased with that.

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No?

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Oh, it seems that the new King's guards have mistaken the cheering for

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the start of a riot, which they are now

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trying to crush, using William's favourite method - extreme violence.

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Sur les yeux! Sur les yeux!

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And not content with killing and chasing the locals,

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they're also now burning some buildings.

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Well, what a day it's been here in London.

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We've said hello to a new King and goodbye to

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hundreds of innocent people and most of Westminster Abbey.

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So, it's goodbye from me, and more importantly, merry Christmas.

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Ho ho ho! Now, you wouldn't fancy finding

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these Saxon presents in your stocking.

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Happy Christmas, everyone.

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-BOTH:

-Happy Christmas!

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-Christopher, merry Christmas!

-Oh, thank you!

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"To Christopher, from Mildred and the guys!" Thanks, guys.

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Is it...? Hey!

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Ah, horse poo, excellent!

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Now I can mix this up with some clay and mould some new dinner plates.

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I need some new ones.

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Thank you so much. Thank you.

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And here's a little gift for you, Mildred.

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Oh, thank you. You shouldn't have!

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Oh!

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Oh, it's pig poo!

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That's excellent. Thank you so much, John.

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I've been meaning to re-plaster our walls -

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-this stuff's the best thing for it.

-Jed.

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Ah, thanks. Look at that!

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Chicken poo!

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This is perfect for making leather clothes.

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I'm going to let it go really stinky,

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then put my cow skins in there and clean them before tanning.

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John. I wouldn't leave you out!

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What's this?!

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-Oh! Oh!

-It's perfume.

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-It makes you smell nice.

-It stinks!

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That's right. In Saxon times,

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lords often gave animal poo to their peasants at Christmas.

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Dread to think what you got if you'd been bad!

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That may be true, but the carol you know

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about King Wenceslas is not quite so accurate.

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For me, there's only one thing

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that really makes Christmas feel like Christmas.

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Persecuting Catholics!

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Ha ha ha!

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But when I'm tired of that,

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I like nothing more than tucking into one of these.

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Mr Tudor's Mince Pies are made from a traditional recipe of fruits, nuts,

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spices and mincemeat -

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specifically, the mincemeat of chicken,

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hare, rabbit, pheasant,

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ox's tongue, liver - pretty much anything you can think of.

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-What about turkey?

-Turkey?!

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At Christmas?! Absolutely ridiculous!

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I get through more of them than I do wives!

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Of course I do - I only had six wives!

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I've had about 150 of these today!

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STOMACH GURGLES

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Ooh, bit of heartburn!

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That Henry VIII needs to watch his waistline. He's waisting away!

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And his beard's not up to much, either.

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Those Tudors - they really did eat a lot of meat at Christmas.

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Welcome to a Christmas edition of Historical MasterChef.

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We're looking for a really good plate of food...

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..on a plate.

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What?

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I've got a sweet tooth!

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Ed is a trainee chef at Hampton Court, where,

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with 200 colleagues, he prepares meals for Henry VIII.

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What are you going to cook for us today?

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I thought a traditional Christmas feast.

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-That's an awful lot of meat.

-Yes, I'm going to add some spices

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and some oatmeal and then stuff all the meat into a pig's gut

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to make a Christmas pud-pud.

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-Pudding?

-Did someone say pudding?!

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But his pudding is made of meat.

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Phwoar! Now you're talking!

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OK, cooks, you have ten minutes remaining.

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Whoa, naked man in the kitchen!

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Whoa! What are you doing?!

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When the kitchens get hot at Hampton Court,

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we always strip off. No biggie.

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Mate, sorry, you can't do that.

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You really can't do that.

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I'm just having a quick leak. We do it all the time at Hampton Court.

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Saves time and cools the place down.

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The only leak that should be in a kitchen...

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-..is one like this.

-That's a swede.

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I know. I used to be a greengrocer.

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With time running out,

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Tudor chef Ed is starting to feel the pressure.

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Ed, Ed, Ed. Slow down.

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You've just sewn a pig's snout onto a chicken's backside.

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No, no. I meant to do that.

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Another Tudor speciality.

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It's called a cockatrice. Usually you'd sew half the pig

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onto a half a cockerel,

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but I'm pushed for space,

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so I've sewn a pig's snout onto a chicken's backside.

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Cockatrice? Looks more like a Franken-swine to me! Ha ha ha!

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Mate, how much sugar have you had?

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A lot.

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To complement his impressive cockatrice,

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Ed has served up another seasonal Tudor delicacy - humble pie.

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Oh, that is awful!

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It's actually pronounced "offal".

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It's the guts of a deer, and the spleen and the lungs and the liver.

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HE RETCHES

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Ed, your cockatrice is an affront to nature.

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Your humble pie made Gregg vomit.

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Your Christmas pudding is little more than a pig's gut

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stuffed with meat.

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However, because it has the word "pudding" in it,

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Gregg has insisted that we crown you champion.

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Congratulations, mate.

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Well, I have got a sweet tooth! Cor!

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The answer is...false.

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Sugar buildings, ships and even sugar joints of meat were a way of

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impressing guests, because it was such an expensive ingredient.

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Queen Elizabeth was particularly fond of eating sugar sculptures,

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and she wasn't easy to please.

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Happy Christmas, Your Majesty.

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A ring. Why, thank you, Cecil. Have this put with all the other presents

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I don't like and never use.

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-Yes, Your Majesty.

-Lord Robert Dudley.

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Lord Dudley.

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May your yuletide merriment know no bounds, Your Majesty.

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Oh, a present!

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-Whatever could it be?!

-What does one get the Queen who has everything?

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Why, something that nobody has.

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How did this tiny clock get stuck in this bangle?

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'Tis a wrist clock, Your Majesty - the first of its kind.

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With your permission...

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Now, when there is no clock around,

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you can tell the time with a simple look to your wrist.

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Oh! Why, this is far and away my favourite present ever!

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Isn't it marvellous, Cecil?

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Yes, Your Majesty.

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Let us drink to this new invention.

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To the wrist clock!

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The wrist clock!

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Oh, dear me - there seems to be no clock here in the throne room,

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and I need to know the time.

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Oh, would you happen to know what time it is, Your Majesty?

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Oh! Why, it is...

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Oh dear, Lord Dudley.

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There appears to be a serious design flaw with your wrist clock!

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Indeed, Your Majesty.

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Ho ho ho!

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Not everyone was as jolly as me at Christmas.

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In Stuart, times they did away with kings and queens,

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and the country was run by the miserable Puritan Oliver Cromwell -

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and it wouldn't be much fun going round to his on Christmas Day!

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# On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... #

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Cousin Olly! Merry Christmas, old bean!

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Oh, relatives.

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How did you get past the guards?

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We thought we'd pop by to wish you a very merry Christmas.

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I'm a Puritan, I don't celebrate Christmas. I have had it banned.

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Well, you won't say no to a spot of Christmas dinner, will you?!

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-We brought you a goose!

-Guards!

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-What are you doing?

-Christmas dinner is banned. It's sinful.

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I've ordered the army to confiscate all roast geese. Guards!

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Whoa, whoa, we'll lose the goose.

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We'll loose the goose. It's fine.

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Why don't we go to the pub or something?

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-Guards!

-What now?

-Pubs are banned - they are sinful.

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Fine - why don't we go to the theatre?

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-Guards!

-Let me guess - banned?

-Yes. It's sinful.

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All right, why don't we all go and have

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-a festive kickabout in the park?

-Guards!

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-Oh, you can't ban sport...

-Sinful!

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You have to understand these frivolous events distract

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us Puritans from our devotion to Christ.

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We have to do something - Lucy's all made up.

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With make-up?

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Yes.

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-Guards!

-Oh, come on!

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-Make-up is sinful. Especially that eye shadow with that top.

-What?!

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-Nothing.

-Wait a minute. I've got it.

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Why don't we all go to church?

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-I mean, church isn't sinful, is it?

-No, of course not.

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Well then, let's all go to church.

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Guard! Seize them!

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It's against the law to go to church on Christmas Day.

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Take these sinners to prison!

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-But...

-What?!

-Wait!

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Yes?

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Happy Christmas.

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-Oh!

-Now lock them up and throw away the key!

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Yes, life wasn't much fun under Cromwell.

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So people wanted their monarchy back,

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and everything was much jollier under Charles II.

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But what with the plague and the Great Fire of London,

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it wasn't all plain sailing.

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Hello, lovely people of Britain.

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Happy Chrimbo. Now, I know when I did my speech this time last year,

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everyone was on a bit of a downer about the whole plague thingy.

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Dead bodies everywhere, no more parties. Dreadful business.

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Well, this year, the good news is, there's no more plague! Huzzah!

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The bad news is, there's no more London.

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Blasted great big fire just about burned the whole city down.

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At least this year you won't have to worry

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if the Christmas goose is properly cooked.

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Mmm! Nom nom nom!

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Marvellous.

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Well, let's hope that 1667 is an altogether better year for everyone.

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Touch wood! Oh, that's still hot!

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Happy Christmas, all. Party on!

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Are you sure the fire's completely out?

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Victorian prisons were cruel and brutal places.

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Although things were a bit different at Christmas.

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Get on with it, you criminal scum!

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Pick it up, you horrible little worm!

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First of all, you will move these cannonballs

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from there to here for no reason whatsoever!

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Then, you will turn that heavy crank around and around, because I say so!

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BELL CHIMES

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# We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas

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# We wish you a merry Christmas, number 3102. #

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What's going on?

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It's Christmas lunch. Time to stop the merciless punishment,

0:21:140:21:17

the beatings and pointless ritual humiliations,

0:21:170:21:21

-and be nice to you for the rest of the day.

-There's a catch.

0:21:210:21:24

No catch. Come on. You don't want your Christmas dinner getting cold.

0:21:240:21:28

Is this what you do every year?

0:21:280:21:30

One minute you're beating prisoners senseless

0:21:300:21:33

and the next you're serving them a slap-up feast?

0:21:330:21:36

The magic of Christmas in a Victorian prison.

0:21:360:21:38

In fact, me and the lads, we had a little whip round.

0:21:380:21:42

I know you did, I've got the scars.

0:21:420:21:44

No, I mean we all clubbed together.

0:21:440:21:47

Yeah, on my head.

0:21:470:21:48

Do you want this present?

0:21:480:21:49

-It's a watch.

-Aye, I know it is a bit over the top.

0:21:510:21:56

We're only supposed to give you lunch.

0:21:560:21:58

But I think can I speak for all the lads when I say, well,

0:21:580:22:02

you are our favourite prisoner.

0:22:020:22:04

Wow!

0:22:040:22:06

-I'm touched.

-No!

0:22:060:22:08

-Happy Christmas.

-Hang on a minute.

0:22:090:22:11

That says two minutes to one.

0:22:110:22:14

-That prison clock's running fast again.

-That doesn't matter, does it?

0:22:140:22:18

Well, of course it matters. It's not lunchtime yet.

0:22:180:22:21

Now, get cranking that wheel, you wretched lowlife!

0:22:210:22:24

Ow!

0:22:240:22:26

Oh well, I guess it's better than eating sprouts.

0:22:290:22:33

Oh, that hurt!

0:22:330:22:35

There's only one sensible thing to do with sprouts.

0:22:360:22:38

Hang them on your Christmas tree. Nice.

0:22:380:22:41

Christmas trees haven't always been around.

0:22:410:22:44

In fact, here's where they're from.

0:22:440:22:46

It wasn't just Christmas trees

0:23:500:23:52

that first became popular in Victorian times.

0:23:520:23:55

1843 saw the first-ever commercial Christmas card.

0:23:550:23:59

Though Victorian cards were a little strange.

0:23:590:24:03

At Victorian Weird Cards, you can send a weird Victorian card

0:24:050:24:10

directly to your loved ones this Christmas.

0:24:100:24:13

Choose from all the latest Victorian Christmas card designs.

0:24:130:24:17

Clown attacking a policeman with a red-hot poker!

0:24:170:24:20

Child being stung by a giant wasp!

0:24:200:24:23

And my personal favourite - children at their parents' funeral!

0:24:230:24:28

Or if you're looking for something a little less traditional,

0:24:310:24:35

why not try our gift-card range?

0:24:350:24:37

Including, slice-of-bacon card!

0:24:370:24:39

Yes, that's actual bacon. Extracted-tooth card!

0:24:390:24:42

Yes, that's a real human tooth.

0:24:420:24:45

Or, dead-mouse card!

0:24:450:24:47

Well, you get the picture.

0:24:470:24:49

And order now, and we'll send your card by new penny post

0:24:510:24:55

for just a penny.

0:24:550:24:56

Penny post for just a penny - wow!

0:24:560:24:59

And all of our weird cards can be personalised

0:24:590:25:02

with your own message at no extra cost.

0:25:020:25:05

"Dearest Auntie, sorry the card is so weird,

0:25:050:25:10

"but they're the only ones you can get.

0:25:100:25:15

"Hope you like the bacon."

0:25:160:25:20

Victorian Weird Cards.

0:25:200:25:22

Get them while they're still weird.

0:25:220:25:24

Have we finished?

0:25:270:25:29

Can I eat that?

0:25:290:25:31

Now, I bet you think nothing Christmassy ever happened

0:25:340:25:37

in the trenches of World War I.

0:25:370:25:39

Well, you would be wrong, because on Christmas Day 1914,

0:25:390:25:43

the British and German troops who were fighting each other

0:25:430:25:46

held an informal truce, climbed out of their freezing trenches

0:25:460:25:50

and played a game of football.

0:25:500:25:52

Amazing. Imagine that.

0:25:520:25:55

I'm imagining it now!

0:25:550:25:57

Well, you join us here in the final stages of

0:26:000:26:02

this most unusual England versus Germany friendly.

0:26:020:26:05

It looks like Britain are mounting another attack, Steve.

0:26:050:26:09

Usually it would be with guns and bayonets, but not today.

0:26:090:26:12

Jenkins has got through. A magnificent ball.

0:26:120:26:14

There's nothing between him and the goal,

0:26:140:26:17

except a couple of unexploded bombs and some barbed wire.

0:26:170:26:20

Shoot! Shoot!

0:26:200:26:22

Poor choice of words.

0:26:220:26:24

Good point. Kick, kick.

0:26:240:26:27

And Britain have scored. That levels the match at 2-2.

0:26:270:26:31

I have to say, the pitch is in a shocking condition.

0:26:310:26:34

Absolutely, Steve.

0:26:340:26:36

It's not a pitch - it's a battlefield.

0:26:360:26:39

The players are playing upon no-man's land -

0:26:390:26:41

which is the area of ground between the two enemy trenches.

0:26:410:26:44

And it looks like one of British subs is

0:26:440:26:47

warming up on touchline there.

0:26:470:26:49

He's actually got lice from living in the trenches.

0:26:490:26:52

And Germany back in possession.

0:26:520:26:55

This would be the winning goal here.

0:26:550:26:58

Over here, Herman. On my head, on my head.

0:26:580:27:00

Oh! Sorry, guys.

0:27:040:27:06

I probably should have taken my helmet off.

0:27:060:27:09

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:27:090:27:11

They think it's all over. It is now.

0:27:110:27:14

Not the war, but the football game.

0:27:140:27:16

Great game, mate.

0:27:160:27:18

Ja, ja, you want to change the shirts?

0:27:180:27:20

Oh, might not be such a good idea under the circumstances.

0:27:200:27:24

Ja! You funny guy!

0:27:240:27:26

You're all right, mate. Happy Christmas.

0:27:260:27:29

You OK too, chum. Happy Christmas.

0:27:290:27:32

Touching scenes there.

0:27:320:27:34

It's hard to know how these troops are going to go back to

0:27:340:27:37

trying to kill each other tomorrow.

0:27:370:27:39

-Maybe they won't, Steve. Maybe they won't.

-Merry Christmas.

0:27:390:27:46

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

0:27:500:27:53

Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.

0:27:530:27:55

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

0:27:550:27:59

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

0:28:010:28:04

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0:28:040:28:06

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