Episode 1 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians,

# Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians,

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes all these from ancient times

# Romans, rotten rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages,

# The Measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to....

# Horrible Histories! #

When people died in Roman times,

we had some really funny ideas about how to give them a good sendoff.

And above all Messiunas was a wise and a noble man

who only ever beat his slaves when it was absolutely necessary.

He will be sorely missed by us all.

But now...for the fight!

CHEERING

Yea! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Go on...fight, fight!

-What on earth's going on?

-Oh, it's a fight!

-But why?

Oh, it's the latest Roman thing. You get your two favourite slaves

to fight to the death in front of your graveside.

-Whatever for?

-It's very noble. The loser's like a sort of sacrifice

to the dead man, you know, keep his soul company?

The best thing is, it's really good fun to watch.

So this is catching on, then?

Oh, yeah, friend of mine died last month, had three fights,

that means three more funerals and three fights at each one

that makes nine funerals! It's been wall-to-wall

funerals for weeks now. Brilliant!

Which one was that?

Um... Marcus.

We are gathered here today to mark the passing of Marcus.

-He was a good slave.

-I can't believe all this.

Oh, this is nothing. My uncle, Centillus,

had it written into his will that he wanted a fight to the death

between two beautiful women.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

His funeral's in ten minutes.

-It's disgust....can I come?

-Yeah.

-You've got to pretend to be sad until the fight starts.

-No problem.

It's horrible, but it's true!

Romans loved watching slaves fighting at funerals.

In fact, they loved it so much that someone had the bright idea

of putting the slaves in stadiums and calling them gladiators.

Rat-a-tat-a-ta!

Gladiators were trained in gladiator schools, not like your schools,

but, do you know, it would be funny if they were.

Teacher's coming!

Hail Rome, class! Very good to see you all working hard,

but I'm afraid we must push on.

All right! Someone tell me where we got to yesterday.

-Sir!

-Yes, Abacus?

Maths, Sir, We were counting

how many criminals heads we could chop off in one contest.

Oh, yes, maths. So, if we're to take...

-Sir! Sir!

-What is it, Overzealous?

when do we get to fight in the Colosseum, Sir?

Colosseum? The Colosseum is for elite gladiators, like me,

masters of the gladitorial arts.

Which of you will become raging retiarius, eh?

With your trident and your net.

Or a vile venator doing battle with wild animals.

You, Overzealous, are not ready for the Colosseum.

What did you get in your last Fighting Wild Animals exam?

Got a "Bee".

You got a "Bee".

Smallest and easiest to fight of all the animals. But what would you do

if you were up against a lion in the arena?

Speak up, boy!

Don't know, Sir.

"Don't know, Sir!"

Na-na-na-na!

Exactly!

Now, where were we?

Maths, Sir.

Maths! Good. So, if I was to cut off four men's heads

and add them to the ten slaves arms I cut off the day before

what would we have?

-Yes?

-A great afternoon of entertainment for the people.

Correct answer. Well done!

BELL RINGS

Oh, OK, everyone pack up violently.

And before you go, before you go, make sure you hand in your homework.

GRUMBLING

All right, all right, thank you! Very good, very nice work. A+.

In the First World War

lots of us soldiers had to fight in horrible trenches.

And most of the trenches were full of lice. Ow!

Mmm! What's cooking, Soldier? Smells Good!

Fried lice, Sir.

Fried rice? Delicious!

No, no, fried LICE.

Billy's been living in his trench for months without washing,

he's covered in lice.

Ooh, aah, it itches!

Oh, I see.

So we're frying them...

..for fun! Ha-ha!

That's disgusting!

You think that's disgusting...

Crumbs! They're different colours!

Yeah! I picked up the pale ones from our trench, and the red ones

from the German trench.

It's like they're waging war all over my body, Sir!

BATTLE CRIES AND GUNFIRE

It's not looking good, Commandant!

The British lice have taken

control of the head and are advancing South.

We can't hold onto ze nipples much longer!

We must have reinforcements!

Come on, egg, hatch big! Hatch!

They are over-running us!

Take cover in this shell-hole!

Gerry? We have you surrounded!

Come out with all your hands up!

OK! We surrender!

-Gentlemen, this body is ours!

-Huzzah!

-Hooray!

-Wizard!

-But you German lice can still have some of it.

-Oh, ya?

Yes, you can keep the bottom!

Ha-ha-ha!

Life really was horrible in the trenches...

for the Germans as well!

Grub's up! It's Ready Steady Feast!

Joining us today is a German soldier

who comes directly from the trenches of the First World War.

Please welcome... Paul Bomber!

APPLAUSE

-Ta...

-No!

Thanks for coming, Paul. I see you've brought

a bag of food with you.

Well, yes und no. Zis is ersatz food, or fake food.

It's what we have to eat in the trenches

now we have run out of real food.

OK. Why don't you show us what you've got?

-For sure. So, my first ingredient is ersatz pepper.

-Pepper?

No, ersatz pepper. We ran out of real pepper.

This is just ashes from ze fire. But we are glad of it!

-It takes away ze taste of ze bread.

-What's wrong with the bread?

It is made of beans and sawdust.

Yuk!

And this is ersatz coffee. This we make by mixing

ze nuts with coal tar and sugar.

Hm! That sounds terrible!

Well, it is not so bad, actually. Then we ran out of nuts and sugar,

-so we had to mix coal tar with turnips.

-That is horrible!

Well, you think that's horrible, you should try ersatz meat.

Zis we make from spinach, potatoes, und ersatz eggs.

Ersatz eggs?

Potatoes.

So basically it's potatoes with potatoes!

-That doesn't sound that bad.

-Oh, no?

Well, we fry it up using the fat made from boiled-down rats.

Disgusting!

Well maybe I'll have more luck with my other guest

from the First World War. Please welcome Mick Wall!

APPLAUSE

He was a milkman in 1917 London. Mick, what have you got for us?

I've just brought in some milk, watered down to make it go further.

Er, it's illegal, but I thought it was a good idea,

what with all the shortages.

Nothing wrong with that.

Ask him where he found ze water?

Where did you get the water from?

Oh, I'd rather not say, really.

But if you do find any brown bits floating in there,

-just fish them out.

-Oh, look! Sausages!

RETCHING

VOMITING

Mmm, might make it taste nicer!

Ya, for sure!

-Grub is up!

-Oh, shut up!

Honestly, that's all true. 100% accu-rat-e! Ha!

Even the bit about making cooking fat from boiling down rats...

Do you know what? I think I'm going to get out of here!

Pirates terrorised the world's seas for hundreds of years.

They were a frightening bunch,

but there was one thing that frightened them...

being sent The Black Spot!

Shiver me timbers! Daggers! Daggers McCaw!

Is that you, you salty sea dog?

No! You must be mistaking me for somebody else.

No, I'm not. Why are you wearing a false beard?

Shhh!

I'm in disguise. Me life is in danger.

I tried to stage a mutiny on ship,

and now Captain Grey's baying for me blood.

But he is a fellow pirate,

he wouldn't just kill you, he'd have to warn you first.

By sending you...A LITTLE NOTE!

No, I think you mean by sending me...

THE BLACK SPOT!

Yes, pirate shorthand for...

"We're going to kill ya!

"If you stick around, you'll be killed,

"if you try and run, you'll be killed!"

Thank you, that's making me feel so much better.

But it's fine, isn't it?

Because you haven't actually received The Black Spot.

Not yet, but now I'm out in the open it could happen any moment...

Argh! The Black Spot!

No! No, no, no! I was writing my shopping list earlier

and my quill pen broke, and I spilt some ink.

It's not The Black Spot! Ha-ha!

Right! Oh, my goodness, that's a relief!

For a moment I did think...

The Black Spot! That's a black spot!

No! No, no, no! I was having squid in ink for me dinner,

and a bit must have splashed on my sleeve.

Right! Because for a moment I thought that was actually...

The Black Spot! The Black Spot!

That's warty Wendy, she was born like that.

She's got another one...

It's a black spot! It's a black spot!

It's a black spot! It's a black spot!

It's a black spot! It's a black spot!

It's a black spot!

This could take some time...

-It's a black spot!

-Daggers!

-It's a black spot!

-Calm down.

Look, you're not going to get killed unless you receive a note

with The Black Spot on it. And I think if that was going to happen,

-it would have happened by now.

-Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Thanks for setting me straight, mate. Anyway, best be off.

-Night, Daggers!

-Night.

Well, what he doesn't know can't hurt him!

DOOR SLAMS

GUNFIRE

Oh, I stand corrected!

The answer is...

B. The pirate cut off his ears

and made him eat them sprinkled with salt.

And some pirate behaviour was even more surprising than that.

All right, all right! Listen up, you scurvy scum!

It's been many moons since I've had fresh blood aboard my ship.

Now you all know me by reputation.

Black Bart, the most bloodthirsty pirate ever to sail the seven seas.

But I don't know any of you, see, so to avoid any misunderstandings

I'm gonna tell you how I runs things on my boat.

LAUGHTER

Bones! The rule book.

RULE ONE! Fighting...

-Ah-ha!

-A-ha!

No fighting! It's anti-social,

and it's a good way to lose an eye, isn't it, Mulligan? Hmm?

So they'll be none of that. If you have a quarrel

you settle it on shore like gentlemen. Is that clear?

RULE TWO! Games!

-Ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

They'll be no games. I don't want to see any gambling on my ship.

Save your money for a rainy day, people.

After all, if you look after your pieces of eight,

your doubloons will look after themselves, won't they, gents? OK.

RULE THREE! We settle everything democratically.

We take a little vote, and if you don't want to do it, we won't do it!

No-one's going to force you. As for treasure, we divide that up equally.

No squabbling about treasure, boys, come, come.

RULE FOUR! Bedtime is 8 o' clock sharp.

Busy day pirate-ing the next day,

and I don't want to see any of you lads over-tired. All right?

What?

What if we breaks any of those them rules?

Do we get sent to bed early with a smacked botty? Ha-ha!

No! We maroons you on a desert island.

We leaves you there with no water to drink, no fruit to eat,

no animals to kill, no trees for shade.

We leaves you with a bottle of rum and a loaded pistol.

Now the choice is yours.

You can starve to death, slowly,

or you can end it all, swiftly... BANG!

Well, that's more like it! Ha-ha!

Wonderful! I'm glad you're all having so much fun.

This is great, but it is five to eight, guys, so beddy-byes!

Ah, 'tis all true! Ah-ha! 'Tis 100% accu-rat-e! Ha-ha-ha!

Many pirate rules weren't as tough as you'd expect,

oh, no, in many ways they were just great big cissies! Though, actually,

I wouldn't recommend saying that to a pirate's face! Ha-ha!

Guess what we used for tools in the Stone Age, eh? Give up?

Stones! It was the Stone Age,

and it's amazing what you can do with a stone.

New from Stone Age tools comes a brand new set of Stone Age tools.

Yes, it's the all-purpose Stone Age tool set

for all those Stone Age tasks that need doing around the cave.

Including...sharp stone,

useful for cutting, and...

sharp stone, good for slicing. Plus...

sharp stone, for chopping.

And now...

introducing blunt stone,

great for hammering!

And that's not all, because order today and get this sharp stone...

absolutely free! Be the sharpest

tool in the box, buy the all-purpose Stone Age tool set, today!

Warning! Sharp stone is sharp and can cause injury.

Aargh!

Sharp stones and...blunt stones!

Yeah!

Sharp stones, and blunt stones, were all the tools humans had

for two million years, until some clever-clogs discovered metal in...

wait for it...yes, the Bronze Age! Ha-ha-ha!

Imagine coming third before the Bronze Age, eh?

All you'd have got is a stone medal! Ha-ha-ha!

The answer is...

We find out much of what we know about Stone Age man

from what has been found in Stone Age graves.

Here's what we think Stone Age burials were like.

'You join us on this, the saddest of days.

'The great chief of our Stone Age tribe is dead.

'And so with all due reverential pomp and ceremony,

'his body is laid to rest...

'in a ditch.

'His adoring wife, there, clearly upset by the tragic occasion,

'as well she might be. She is going to be buried with him.'

SCREAMING

'And now the chief's loving son comes to pay his respects

'to his late, deceased father.'

Ugh! Like to say, few words...

Ugh only know few words. Father!

You dead! Me now big chief! Ha-ha-ha!

As is traditional on such occasions, the mourners throw in some objects

that the chief might need in the afterlife.

His bow and arrows, a necklace of seashells

and a little extra something to really confuse the archaeologists

who dig him up in years to come. And finally we go to the memorial

that commemorates the tragic way the chief lost his life.

Me push mammoth off cliff! Whee!

Splat! Chief splattered! Ha-ha-ha!

An extra arm really has been found in a Stone Age burial pit.

So have loads of other weird things like extra teeth, seashells,

and even a dead cat! Mind you, that's how I like my cats, dead!

Fight your way through history!

You are a Viking, the most terrifying warrior the world has ever known.

It's time for you to invade Britain!

'Head-chopping axe,

'skull-crushing hammer,

'gut-slashing sword.

'Selection complete.'

Choose the mightiest British warrior to fight, or just go to Britain

and butcher some defenceless monks!

'British monk selected.'

Re-create the battles of the brave Viking warriors.

'Selection complete'.

How many unarmed British monks can you slaughter?

How much treasure can you steal?

How many British monasteries can you destroy?

'Select new British monastery.'

But it's not all just kill, kill, kill!

You take monks as slaves, too.

Warrior!

Being a Viking wasn't all fight, fight, fight.

We liked to look good, too. And what you are about to see

are all genuine Viking beauty treatments.

Historical hairdressers! "Hair", there and everywhere! He-he!

Oh! What is it with you Vikings

-that you're always coming in on a Saturday?

-It's tradition.

You know Vikings like to do their grooming on Saturdays

Look, can I just have a hair wash?

Does it look like I can?

I mean, some of these Vikings made their appointments weeks ago.

OK, OK. Eyebrow tidy?

No! Shelley's run off her feet moustache-trimming as it is.

Look, please! I've got a longship raid for a fortnight from Wednesday,

I just want to look my best. Look, you know us Vikings

take our grooming very seriously.

Oh, all right, I've got a cancellation Tuesday morning.

I can fit you in for a hair wash, dye and a plait then.

I dunno, it's cutting it a bit fine, Suzanne.

I'll see if Shelley can book you earwax removal at the same time.

She's got a new Viking ear spoon.

Shelley! Show him your new ear spoon.

Oh, that is brilliant! Cheers, Suzanne, I'll see you then.

Aah!

Eric, that's you done.

Now, who's next for a hair wash?

I am!

Oh, I hate Saturdays!

Vikings were incredibly clean.

They really did like to wash and groom themselves every Saturday.

They had earwax spoons and everything. Ha-ha-ha!

I just stirred my tea with that!

We didn't just have silly wigs in Georgian times,

we also had some silly tax laws.

And now it's time for our fairy tale series, where all the stories

are re-told in different historical settings.

Today...

And the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the stick house down.

So the little pigs ran as fast

as their little trotters would carry them,

to their little piggy brother's house

which was made of very strong brick.

But this was Georgian times,

and the little piggy in the brick house had bricked up all his windows

so he wouldn't have to pay the new window tax,

which meant he didn't see his little piggy brothers.

And they were both eaten up by the big, bad wolf.

The end.

It's true. Many Georgian people bricked up their windows like this

to avoid the window tax. We Georgians had silly taxes

because we had stupid politicians and we had stupid politicians

because we had silly elections.

Number one, turn up at the polling station.

Number two, go home if you're a woman.

Number three, go home if you don't own any property.

I own property!

Yes, but you're still a woman and therefore feeble-minded. Go home!

Number four, check that one of the candidates

-is the lord of the manor's son.

-Are you the lord of the manor's son?

-Daddy, am I the Lord...

-Yes, you are.

Yes, I am.

Number five, vote for the lord of the manor's son.

But what if I don't want to?

You have to, there are no other candidates.

-Hang on, isn't voting supposed to be secret?

-Certainly not,

we have to make sure you voted for my son.

And finally, congratulate your new member of parliament.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Now give me all your money, I've just put the taxes up.

Ha-ha! That's my boy!

Georgian elections really were very corrupt and members of parliament

weren't paid, so only rich men could afford to become one.

And who would they stick up for in parliament?

Well, their rich friends, of course. That stinks! And not in a good way.

Please welcome to Horrible Histories

the four King Georges of the Georgian era with Born 2 Rule.

# I took the throne of England just cos I was protestant

# A German, a prince whose English stank, King George number one

# I like to argue, now that's clear, especially with my father, here

# And when he died of diarrhoea I fought with my son

# I broke records with my 60 year reign

# And I broke the scales with my giant frame, ha

TOGETHER: # Born to rule over you

# King George Four...

-# Three,

-One,

# And Two,

TOGETHER: # You had to do what we told you to

# Just because our blood was blue

# I was a hunk, girls adored me

# Ladies all swooned before me

# They would do anything for me or I'd have their husbands killed

# Had a war with Prince Charles, Bonnie

# Everyone said that I was f-f-funny

# I spent everyone's money

# Our subjects were not thrilled

# I was the sad one

# And I was the bad one

# I was the mad one

# And I was the fat one

TOGETHER: # We were born to rule over you

# Georges one,

-# Three,

-four

-and two

TOGETHER: # England's kings, though we were German, too

# Him,

# Then him,

# Then me,

TOGETHER: # Then you

# We were born...

TOGETHER: # To rule over you

# Born to rule

# Gorged on fruit then I died on the loo

# People hated us...

TOGETHER: # And we hated them, too

# Born to rule over you

# Born to rule over you

# Me, I was as batty as a bonkers kangaroo

# Me, I would have been more at home in a zoo

TOGETHER: # Now, now our song is through, yeah

# Georges! #

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