Episode 2 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

# Woeful wars Ferocious fights

# Dingy castles Daring knights

# Horrors that defy description, Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times!

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, Fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks Brainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...Horrible Histories. #

What on earth are you doing?

-Bleaching Dad's tunic.

-In that?

-Yeah, you told me to.

-No, I didn't.

You said if I go to the loo in a bucket and leave it to

ferment, it makes a great bleach for washing Dad's tunics.

I meant when you go number ones, sweetheart.

Ohh.

I was gonna say, it doesn't look very white.

Hi, I'm a shouty man,

and I'm here to tell you about new Pee-Sil non-bio.

Tired of your clothes smelling of number twos?

Then why not wash them in number ones?

Pee-Sil is the only detergent to use 100% recycled water.

Let's just look at these results.

Compared to water from the river,

the fermented piddle in Pee-Sil is up to a bit per cent

better at removing stubborn dirt and grime.

And it has the fresh smell of old pants.

So try new Pee-Sil non-bio today.

So, you think that's disgusting?

In the Middle Ages, lots of people went to the toilet

through holes in the floor, straight onto the street below.

We need to improve the toilets in our fair city as a matter of urgency.

I quite agree, Councillor. It's fast becoming a real problem.

I mean, these new-fangled upstairs toilets are all very well,

but sticking your bottom through a hole and pooing directly

onto the street does have its disadvantages for the passers-by.

But it's better than the old days,

when people used to throw whole buckets of poo out of the window.

Mmm.

It is an improvement, granted, but I don't think it's the best solution.

Yes, this is the Middle Ages.

I mean, surely someone can come up with a better system

-than just having it land in the street.

-Mm.

We could have it land in the river.

You put public toilets on the bridge,

people stick their bottoms through holes,

and then poo directly into the water.

That's brilliant, Councillor.

Hang on, what about the boatmen passing underneath?

Mmm. Well, are you a boatman?

-No.

-Nor I. So, it's settled.

Public toilets on the bridge it is.

And the sooner, the better.

-Yeah...

-You've got some...

Yes, I know.

So try new Pee-Sil non-bio today.

Wee! And the dirt is gone.

And we only use natural ingredients...

..for that yellowish tinge

that means clean.

-Warning - product contains really old wee-wee.

-You think that's bad?

-Us Romans used wee-wee for mouthwash.

-That's disgusting!

-Not in your mouth!

-I was only saying.

Get out.

I can't help it if it's true.

Stone Age long, long time ago.

So nobody know exactly what caveman really like. Ohh!

But for sure, caveman medicine not very good.

We're going to have to intubate.

Could be the aorta or the vena cava.

I'll prep him. They're sending a specialist doctor?

Yes, they're sending the very best there is. A Dr erm...

Ugg. Hee.

Ugg top Stone Age doctor.

Ugg cure. Who sick?

Er...this man.

He has a problem with his blood vessel, the vena cava.

Me know all about cava. Me a caveman!

Huh, huh, huh. Cave big hole in rock. Cave dark.

Cave have bear in. Bear chase Ugg.

Ugg fight bear. Egh, egh, egh, egh.

Ooh.

-Ow, my back.

-You have back trouble?

Why not you say? Ugg cure.

Ugg do tattoo. Tattoo best Stone Age cure for back pain.

No. I don't want to look like David Beckham.

Ugg know best. You lie down.

Ow! My head!

Ugg know best cure for headache.

-No, I need your help like I need a hole in the head.

-How you know?

-Hole in head best cure for headache.

-What? No.

No, no, no, no, no!

WHACK!

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better now. Thanks.

Ha ha ha!

You know, cavemen really did drill holes in people's heads

to make the pain go away. It's called trepanning. That's right.

Trepanning! Well, it would've stopped the pain all right.

They'd probably be dead! Ha ha ha!

The answer is...

And if you think that's silly,

you should see what Stone Age people did with their dead relatives.

Uh, uh, uh.

Hello and welcome to the Caveman Art Show. I'm Ugg and this is Grunt.

We're going to announce the winner of our painting competition.

First prize goes to little Agina of the desert caves.

Uggh...

She painted this lovely mammoth.

Rock heavy.

Thanks for sending that in, Agina.

Urh! Ur, ur, ur...

Idiot.

Today, we're going to show you how to preserve the head of a dead relative,

just like we do here in the Stone Age.

First thing you need is a dead body.

Oh, no, no. Don't worry, I've already got one, Grunt.

Idiot.

Here's my dead granny.

First things first, I need to remove her head

with a sharp stone, like this.

SQUELCHING

Once you've done that, you need to scrape off the skin

and scoop out the brain so the skull's nice and clean.

SQUELCHING CONTINUES

Ah, there we are. Ha-ha-ha!

The next thing we do is hit Grunt.

Ha-ha-ha! That was just a joke. What we do next is fill

up the skull with plaster and use the remaining plaster

to build up the face so it resembles your loved one.

Here's one I made earlier.

Just like Granny.

Now, we've got a couple of shells for the eyes.

And there you go, just like Granny.

-As you can see, she wasn't much of a looker.

-Ugly buggly.

Do you mind? It's my Nan.

It's my Nan, at the end of the day.

Yeah.

Join us next week, when we'll have more of this. And more hitting Grunt.

-Arh! Ohh.

-Huh, uh.

No, that's not funny. I can't see.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to honour

one of our most fearless flyers,

who has done more to protect this country than almost any other.

-I give you Mary the carrier pigeon.

-APPLAUSE

Mary has carried top secret messages

from the front lines in Europe back to Britain.

On her first mission, she was attacked and

wounded by a German hawk specially trained to bash our brave birds.

But the top secret message still got through.

Two months later,

she returned to action and this time came under fire.

Had part of her wing blown off.

But the vital message still got through.

Then her pigeon home in Exeter was blasted by a bomb.

WHISTLING

BOOM!

But Mary still lived to fly another day.

APPLAUSE

So we'd like to honour this faithful bird, this hardy survivor,

veteran of countless missions

with the Dickin Medal, awarded to animals for their work in war.

-I'll just pin it to her. Oh, dear.

-SQUAWK!

Probably should have, er...hung

it round her neck.

Mary was a real pigeon from the war and did win a Dickin Medal.

Of course, they didn't really pin it to her.

She actually died in action after 22 missions.

Lots of other pigeons were given medals in World War II,

as well as plenty of dogs and three horses.

But no rats. Typical! Rats never get anything.

Well, apart from the plague.

Of course, animals weren't the only World War II heroes.

There were plenty of human ones as well.

Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.

Ah, Squadron Leader. We meet again.

Oh, have we met before?

No, I just like the vay I sound ven I say that.

I'm Commandant Klinsmann, the new head of this prisoner of war camp.

I hope you enjoyed your brief taste of freedom, your 23rd escape,

because it will be your last.

Oh, dear.

I have positioned additional guards here, here and here,

making escape virtually impossible.

Where did he go?

He's done it again. Send 100 troops to find Squadron Le...

-Cancel zat.

-Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.

-Ah, Squadron Leader. We meet again.

-Are we not counting just now?

Shut up! Don't think I don't know what your game is here.

You British officers are under orders to keep trying to escape,

which means that our German soldiers

spent all of zeir time chasing you down rather than fighting zis war.

But not any more.

I'm in charge here now.

And you will find that I have eyes in the back of my head.

Now vere did he go? Vot...?

Send 300 soldiers to find Squadron Lead...

Cancel zat.

-Squadron Leader Higgins, Herr Commandant.

-So, we meet again.

Don't say zat! I say zat.

You...You give me one good reason why I shouldn't just shoot you

right here on the spot, hmm?

Because the Geneva Convention means you can't shoot officers.

Yes, forgot about zat.

Ah, yes, I see you would like to get hold of my keys, yes?

But let me tell you something.

I'm afraid there are two things in this world that will never happen.

Von, you will never win this war.

And two, you will never get your hands on my keys.

Zay have von zee war, ve have surrendered, every man for himself!

Right. Zis one's for the front door, it's quite easy.

Zis one's for the back gate. It's a little bit sticky,

you might have to wiggle it a bit.

Did you know that, during the war,

lots of the Allied soldiers who kept escaping were moved to an old

German castle called Colditz, because Colditz was meant to be escape-proof.

But there were more escapes from Colditz than any other

prisoner of war camp.

Ha ha ha! I say, well done, chaps!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you. #

Next.

-Hello hello.

-Name?

Francis Bacon.

-Year of death?

-1626.

-Profession?

Philosopher and academic.

I'll just put workshy layabout. Method of death?

Ah, well, I was journeying through the snow when suddenly I had

a brilliant idea, that by freezing food, I could preserve it.

I was anxious to try out my theory as soon as possible,

so I went to a poor woman's house and bought a freshly-gutted chicken.

I immediately stuffed it full of ice, packing it inside and out.

-And did it work?

-Oh, yes, yes, yes - the chicken was perfectly preserved.

Hm. So, er, why are you here?

Ah, well, during the experiment, I got very cold

and contracted pneumonia and died.

HE WHEEZES AND LAUGHS

-From freezing a chicken?

-Yes, yes...

HE LAUGHS

Oh, you're dead funny.

I love my job sometimes, I do. Ohh.

Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

That's right, it was a Stuart

who first came up with the idea of freezing chickens.

In fact, there were lots of new food ideas in Stuart times.

-What is it, Pam?

-What?

You look like Charles I on the chopping block.

Arh, it's that Cathy Jones next door, been showing off again.

You know earlier she said to me, do you wanna come round for a coffee?

-What's a coffee?

-It's some horrible new drink apparently,

and now she's just been round with a fork!

The Joneses have got a fork?

Well, they've got one each! None of this "spearing your food on a knife"

malarkey for them, they've got to have the best, makes me sick!

Yeah, and they've got this new ice cream stuff.

And drinking chocolate.

Well, I wouldn't worry about keeping up with the Joneses any more,

because your old dad has got a special little something.

Oh, wow. What is that?

It's a banana.

A banana? And has Mrs Jones got one of these?

Certainly not. It's the first one on sale in the East End!

-Oh, Mike, it's beautiful, it's gorgeous,

-Yeah.

-It's so, it's so yellow and so curved.

-Ba-na-na!

So, what's it for?

-I think you eat it.

-Oh, right.

Oh, oh, that, that's, that's disgusting.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Oh, no matter.

Cathy.

Cath, look at me I've got a banana.

Mmm, having lots of banana fun over here.

Oh, look at...

-Show off.

-What is it?

-Oh, she's waving her pineapple at me.

-Why didn't you get me a pineapple?!

-Well, no-one else has got a banana.

Oh, well you eat it if you like it so much then. Go on.

Mmm.

Mrs Jones was showing off with that pineapple, because back in those days

pineapples were really very rare,

and very valuable, so only rich people could afford to have them,

and instead of eating them they would keep them on display

until they just rotted away.

Rotten food shouldn't be on the mantlepiece,

it should be in my tummy, hah!

The answer is...

A, snails boiled in milk - just add chopped worms to taste!

Ancient Egyptians had some crazy ideas about home improvements.

Hey, I'm King Pepi II, but you can call me pharaoh. Now I love Egypt.

I've ruled the place since the age of six, for crying out loud.

But if there's one thing that drives me mad about this country,

it's all these pesky flies, would you get gone!

It was driving me crazy.

Until I invented, this!

The King Pepi super sticky, anti-fly honey slave.

Those pesky flies can't get enough of that sweet sticky stuff

and I am talking honey,

In fact, they're so busy flying around here,

there are no flies on me.

No Egyptian household is complete without one -

I've got one in every room, and I got a lot of rooms!

It's easy, take one slave, cover him in honey

and enjoy hours of fly-free relaxation.

So don't delay to keep those flies

away, get your King Pepi super sticky, anti-fly honey slave today,

If you think Pharaoh's lives were crazy,

their deaths were even crazier.

I mean, can you imagine the first time someone thought

of being buried in a pyramid?

It sort of reared up and then everything...

Greetings mighty pharaoh, ruler of all Egypt.

As requested oh, pharaoh, we have laid plans for your burial.

Ah excellent.

I must prepare for my journey to the afterlife and rebirth as a god.

Yep, so what we thought for the grave was this. Ta-dum!

Simple yet effective.

Obviously we'll do the lettering in gold.

Gentleman, I don't think you get the idea.

-Oh, really?

-I was thinking of something a little bigger.

-No problem, we could get a bigger stone.

-Bigger stone.

-2½ tonnes.

-That's pretty heavy.

-And not just one.

Don't tell me, you want three.

I was thinking two-and-a-half million.

-Two-and-a-half million.

-What you gonna do with all those?

Pile them all up on top of each other or something?

-Can you imagine that? It would be ridiculous!

-Yes.

Forming a huge, four-sided pyramid, 230m wide and 146m high.

Um, right, sorry how would we move the stones?

Well, we could transport them in boats when the Nile is flooded.

How are we gonna get them 146m into the air?

Boring, you'll think of something.

Can't you have a nice gravestone?

No, I am Pharaoh! I don't want what everyone else has,

I want a mighty monument worthy of the gods, now just get on with it.

-Honestly, he's a pain.

-Tell me about it.

In Britain they simply cover people up with great mounds of earth.

You know, we should just go there.

Yeah. Weather's not so hot, mind.

It's...

false. At King Zer's funeral, 338

of his servants were killed so they could work for him in the afterlife.

Those pharaohs really were a dangerous bunch.

Time again for our fairy tale series,

where all the stories are retold, in different historical settings.

The beautiful young Egyptian woman had not slept a wink,

because even though there were twelve mattresses

between her and the pea, she could still feel it.

This could mean only one thing - she really was a princess.

When the pharaoh heard this, he embraced her.

-I'm so proud of you.

-Oh.

And swiftly ordered for her to be executed,

which was quite a normal thing for a pharaoh to do in Ancient

Egypt, because family members were always after their throne.

This one had already bumped off a brother, four sisters

and fifteen cousins.

Better safe than sorry.

So no-one lived happily ever after.

The end.

This is a horrible information warning.

Killing off family members is

highly illegal and should be avoided at all costs, unless you happen to be

a pharaoh, in which case, you're the boss, you can do what you like, bump

'em off with impunity! (Look it up.)

GAMESHOW FANFARE

Grrr, we'll declare war on France on Tuesday, Spain on Wednesday,

on Thursday we'll... Hang on a minute,

-what's going on here?

-Henry VIII?

-Yes.

-King of England?

-Yes.

This is your reign!

-APPLAUSE

-No! Did you know about this?

Yes, Sire.

It's a wonderful surprise,

although technically you still deceived me,

so go and have yourself executed, chop, chop!

At once, sire.

Ha-ha! Look at you, I know that face, wonderful.

Yes, this is the show where we bring

-out all your old friends, to tell us funny stories about you.

-Yeah.

And here is our first guest,

he's a close friend, he was your chancellor from 1529 to 1532.

No, Sir Thomas More? I don't believe it, did you know about this as well?

Ha! Oh, I'll kill him.

Too late, you already did.

You had his head cut off,

but we dug him up, sewed it back on and he is here today.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Oh, there he is.

Look at him. Thomas, you old dog.

Our second guest, another close friend.

-Yeah.

-He was your chief minister from 1532 to 1540.

Thomas Cromwell? No!

APPLAUSE

There he is look, he hasn't changed a bit.

Neither have your other advisors - Lord Essex...

..The Bishop of Rochester.

APPLAUSE

Thomas Culpepper, the Duke of Suffolk or the Earl of Surrey,

-you had them all executed too.

-Yeah, look at them.

Oh, it's so nice to get the old gang back together, isn't it, eh?

-All the lads, eh? Few of those.

-HE CHUCKLES

And our next guest,

perhaps your closest advisor...

-Cardinal Wolsey.

-The old Wolster! Oh, here he comes.

GROANS

Look at him there.

Now, tell us, why didn't you have him executed?

Oh, well he, um, died on the way to prison.

What a lovely story.

-Now let's talk about romance.

-Oh, no, don't.

You married six wives and here tonight,

are the two you had executed, Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard.

Here comes trouble.

-Regrets.

-Well, yes, oh, why didn't I have the other four executed?

Well, you can't have everyone executed, can you?

Oh, is that a fact?

Guards, seize him!

No, please!

No, look, Henry VIII, this was your deadly reign!

Yes. There we go.

Look at him, his stupid face,

no wonder I chopped his head off, dear oh, dear.

Did you know that when Henry VIII had Anne Boleyn executed

he brought a specially-trained swordsman over from France?

An axe, well that could be blunt and messy, but a sword,

well, that could cut off her head in one clean slice.

Oh, do you know Henry, he was a lovely man after all? Yeah, right.

HE SINGS:

I mean, how unfair!

Exciting news - Henry VIII is looking for a new wife!

-Oh, no.

-Aaagh!

What did I say?

# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth no glam or glitz we told you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel,

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd