Episode 3 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, Ferocious fights, Dingy castles, Daring knights

# Horrors that defy description, Cut Throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times

# Roman Rotten and Ruthless, Cave Men

# Groovy Greeks, Rainy Sages, Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Wicked Witches.

People have believed in witchcraft for centuries

and in the Stuart era

we just loved accusing innocent people of being witches.

-Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?

-Argh!

-Trip or fall at work?

-Argh!

Suffered a personal injury or sickness?

Then you could've been cursed by a witch!

So get in touch with us at Witchfinders Direct.

We'll find some innocent woman,

say she's a witch and have her burnt to death.

Argh!

Farmer Pocket of Crawley lost all his cabbages

when they were eaten by slugs.

He lost literally several shillings.

So he called in Witchfinders.

And we decided the slugs had been sent by the strange old woman

who lived in the village.

Yes, her.

It wasn't me.

Yes, it was. She's old and warty and looks a bit evil, don't you think?

So we had her dragged away and given a fair trial.

Do you have a cat?

Yeah.

Then thou art a witch!

She was put to death and her cat sent to prison.

So if you have anything go wrong in your life, call Witchfinders Direct.

We'll find some innocent old woman and blame her for it.

-Argh!

-Witchfinders - because old ladies deserve it.

Confessing to being a witch could result in burning.

Not confessing could result in being tortured

until you said you were a witch, then in burning.

Other punishments -

force fasting, exile, hanging, beheading, stoning and gauging.

Time for our fairytale series,

where the stories are retold in different historical settings.

Today, The Frog Prince.

The Stuart version.

The beautiful Princess had promised to kiss the frog.

But it's a frog!

-You promised.

-Oh...

And her father, the King, insisted she keep the promise.

All right.

So, kiss the frog she did.

And the frog turned into a handsome prince.

The Princess was delighted.

She wanted to marry the Prince straight away

and live happily ever after.

But everyone had just seen her turn a frog into a person

and in Stuart times this was pretty conclusive proof

that she was a witch.

Guard!

So the King had the Princess taken away and burned at the stake.

The end.

I don't mind witches me self.

It's the black cats that give me the creeps!

Ugh!

Many people also believed in witchcraft in the Middle Ages.

Hello and welcome to The Middle Ages Witchcraft Show.

Today, I'll be showing you how to kill an enemy, witch style.

For this, you'll need some soil from a new grave,

the rib of a rich woman burnt to ashes,

a black spider,

the sap of an elder tree and, of course, an enemy.

Hello.

This is Marcia.

She used to stick my head down a toilet at school,

which is all the worse when you think that

Middle Ages toilets are just pits full of poo.

You should've seen your face.

It's brilliant.

Anyway, first you need to mix up your ingredients

and make a model of your enemy. Here's one I made earlier.

Looks nothing like me.

Next, you'll need a long needle.

Now, just stick your needle in the model's leg, like so.

And...

Didn't feel anything.

OK...

The heart!

Still nothing.

Looks like your rubbish witchcraft doesn't work.

Of course it doesn't.

That's because all witchcraft is absolute nonsense.

But what I did do is hide one of these in your cupboard at home

and told the Witchfinder General.

Where be the witch?

-What?

-We found this witch's tool in your house, witch.

But...

Take her away to be burned at the stake.

But I'm not a witch.

Can you stick her head down the toilet first?

If you like.

Cheers, mate.

Vicious Vikings!

Vikings had some pretty weird beliefs.

Here are our top three.

At number three.

Vikings believed that the first man and woman

came from the sweat of a giant's armpit.

Urgh! That was disgusting.

Phewy! Giant stinky.

Mmm, pine-y freshness.

That's better.

I am famed throughout the Viking world

for my viciousness.

My name is Eric Bloodaxe. And who might you be?

I am Asgot the Clumsy!

Urgh!

Oh... oh.

Uh, how about we call it a draw?

Argh!

Vikings were known in history

by their first names and their nicknames.

There really was one called Asgot the Clumsy

and even one called Kon Smelly Feet.

No prizes for guessing how he got his name. Phewee!

Viking belief number two.

Vikings believed that the sky was held up by four dwarves

called North, South, East and West.

The sky held up by dwarves?

Ow!

No wonder giant keep hitting head.

Urgh!

We Vikings did believe some funny things.

We thought that if we died in battle

then we'd get to go to Viking heaven.

But if we died any other way, we'd go to Viking hell.

Name.

Thorvel the Fierce.

Died in battle?

What do you think?

Oh, yeah. In you go.

Welcome to Valhalla, Viking heaven.

Hi.

Name?

Asgot the Brave.

You don't seem to be on my list.

Well, I should be.

Well, Valhalla's only for Vikings who died in battle.

-Did you die in battle?

-Yes.

Well, you're not on my list. I can't just let anyone in.

Valhalla's a very popular place.

You get to drink all night from the skull's of your enemies.

Cheers!

And you get to fight all day.

-Argh!

-Ahh!

THEY LAUGH

-Boys!

-Great.

What would happen, out of interest, if say you didn't die in battle.

Say, you died in bed, where would you go?

Well, then I'd have to send you down to Viking hell.

That's a freezing thatched hall whose roof timbers are made from

the spines of serpents which drip poison on to those below.

And you have nothing to drink but goat's urine.

It's a good job I died in battle, then, because I did die in battle.

All right, in you go Asgot the Brave.

Asgot the Brave? No, no, no.

That's Asgot the Clumsy.

Eh?

Yeah, the clumsiest Viking that ever lived.

He was having breakfast in bed,

accidentally stabbed himself with his own dagger. He's an idiot!

So you didn't die in battle, then?

-No.

-You did in fact die in bed?

Yes.

Suppose it's a pint of goat's urine for me, then, isn't it?

Yeah. Move along, please.

Viking belief number one.

The Vikings believed that their god, Thor,

once dressed up as a woman to fool a giant who had stolen his hammer.

Thor went to get it back.

Oh, hello, you very pretty girl.

Ow!

Pretty girl hurt giant's head.

Ow! Sky too low.

Urgh!

Stinky, no fun being Viking giant.

HE SOBS

Potty Pioneers.

True or false?

Famous explorer Christopher Columbus

was the first European to discover America?

It's...

A Viking called Leif Erikson got there almost 500 years before him

and here's another famous explorer who didn't get there first.

I wonder why.

Captain Scott in race to the South Pole.

Will our hardy British explorers beat the Norwegians?

OK, boy, time for our final checks.

What?

Let's have a look at some of this good old British equipment.

Righto, Captain Scott, sir.

Thin woollen jumper that freezes when wet.

Check.

Scratchy woollen trousers, guaranteed to cause a rash.

Check.

Agonisingly hard leather boots.

Just put them on, sir.

I've got blisters already.

Top-o!

Insufficient food supplies.

Check.

That better not have been my half of the apple.

HE LAUGHS

Absurdly heavy wooden sled that sticks to ice.

Urgh!

Check.

Hardy sled dogs - perfect for the South Pole's weather conditions.

-No, certainly not, sir.

Ha ha. Well, done Oates, old boy.

Nearly got you. The Norwegians use those.

The big girls.

THEY LAUGH

Poor quality horses, ill-suited to Antarctic terrain.

Six, sir.

HORSE NEIGHS THEN THUD

Better make that five.

Right, that's it. I think we're just about ready to go.

-Let's show those Norwegians what for, sir.

-Urgh!

Tallyho.

Sometimes I think with all this top-notch equipment, sir,

it makes adventuring almost too easy.

I know what you mean Oates, old boy.

I know what you mean.

That list of equipment

is all the stuff the British really took to the South Pole.

And what happened to them?

Well, not only did they lose the race,

they all died in the frozen wasteland.

Well, what do you want?

This is Horrible Histories.

Awful Egyptians.

Looking this good isn't easy. It's dead complicated to make a mummy.

Ancient Egyptians weren't very good at making mummies

when they first started.

Have a look at some of their early efforts.

Good morning, madam. How can I help?

My husband's died and I need to get him mummified.

I see, we offer all types of mummification techniques,

-both ancient and modern.

-Mmm-hmm.

If you're feeling nostalgic,

we offer a service that dates back 2,000 years, to the time of King Zer.

What's with the arms?

They hadn't quite perfected the art back then,

so the arms tend to sort of...

-Fall off?

-Yes, but we replace them with sticks.

And does it really matter?

You know where he's going.

HE LAUGHS

Oh!

What else have you got? Chop, chop.

Perhaps you'd like to go for something more modern.

This technique was favoured about 1,000 years ago.

She's got big eyes.

They're not, strictly speaking, eyes.

What are they, then?

-Onions.

-Onions?

Yes. Rameses IV started the onion trend and everyone went mad for it.

Well, bully for them, but it's not for me. Now this, I like.

Madam, excellent choice.

Bang up-to-date.

This is our state-of-the-art deluxe model.

Quality sawdust stuffing, salt preservation technique,

organs pickled in the finest alcohol and feel the quality of that bandage.

Yeah, that is super. I'll take one of those.

Of course, madam should also consider what type of coffin she would like.

We offer this beautiful top-of-the-range

Pharaoh-approved casket.

What a way to hit the afterlife, eh?

Yeah, it is lovely, but perhaps a tad gaudy.

What are the other options?

Well, there is our peasant range.

-What's that?

-A wooden box.

-The fancy one.

Madam has excellent taste.

That's one top-of-the-range mummification

plus pharaoh-styled casket.

That's 500 chickens.

I've only got one.

-I can do you his nose in a box.

-Done.

Yeah, it wasn't just pharaohs who got mummified in ancient Egypt.

Everyone was at it.

Must have been like one ginormous Halloween party.

HE LAUGHS

Anyway, centuries later, people started digging them up.

They didn't know what to do with them all,

but ended up finding some really ingenious uses.

Hi, I'm a shouty man

and I'm here to tell you about All Purpose Ancient Egyptian Mummy.

Here in the 1800s, mummies are being dug up all over the place,

but don't throw them away!

Make use of them today!

Are your walls looking old and tired?

Then let Ancient Egyptian Mummy lend a hand.

Just crush some mummy into a powder,

add it to your paint and watch those nasty cracks disappear.

And just look at the results.

This magnificent mummy filler is available in three colours,

Dirty white, off white and slightly grey.

And that's not all.

Ancient Egyptian Mummy also gets the thumbs up as a great fuel for fire.

And it won't cost you an arm or a leg.

Toasty.

Plus, if you're feeling a little run-down,

Ancient Egyptian Mummy is the perfect pick-me-up.

Simply crush some mummy into a powder and dab it all over.

It's got magical healing powers.

HE COUGHS

See, it's working already.

You can do it all with All-Purpose Ancient Egyptian Mummy.

It makes an excellent present because it comes pre-wrapped.

Ancient Egyptian Mummy - dig one up today.

Available in all good ancient Egyptian burial grounds,

spade not included.

Rotten Romans.

Lots of Roman emperors were a bit mad

and one of the maddest was a bloke called Nero.

Nero really hated the Christian religion

and he did some pretty nasty things to Christian people.

He even made them into human candles and set them on fire at his parties.

Urgh! Horrible.

Saws like that.

His head came completely off, the crowd went... Excuse me.

Emperor Nero, hi. Fabulous party.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I love what you've done with the place. I like these huge candles.

Oh, yeah. I had them made specially.

Yeah, shaped like Christians.

They are Christians.

-<

-Argh!

Sorry, what?

-Real Christians?

-Yeah, actual Christians.

Can we get another candle, please?

Candle on lawn six.

Emperor...

I mean, how can you do that?

Oh, it's very simple.

You just get a Christian, tie him to a stake, dip him in tar,

stick a wick on top of him, voila.

Christian candle.

They're in excruciating pain.

I know. It's brilliant, isn't it?

You get to light up your garden and torture Christians.

So, you know, two birds, one stone.

But isn't it a bit, dare I say it, sick?

-How so?

-Well, I mean, torturing a fellow human being like that...

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you feel a bit sorry for 'em.

-<

-Argh!

You're not Christian, are you?

Only that candle's just out. We need another Christian.

You were saying?

Well, I love the party, you know...

I particularly like those.

-<

-Argh!

-Great candles.

Yeah. I agree. Really good.

-<

-Argh!

Really, really good candles.

If you like the candles, you should see the fireworks.

It's horrible but it's true.

Nero made candles out of people.

He really hated Christians.

When he wasn't burning them for fun

he was making them fight lions in the Colosseum, without weapons!

I mean, that's hardly very sporting, is it?

Imagine that, man versus lion.

Ooh, I'm imagining it. Oh...

Well, commiserations, Luke.

Yet another convincing victory to the Lions.

Yeah, very disappointing for the Christians,

when all's said and done, we had some unfortunate injuries early on.

Didn't favour us that Johno got his leg chewed off in the first minute.

That did seem to affect his pace a bit.

Absolutely, yeah.

Fair play to the Lion's attack, they ripped us to pieces.

There was an arm here, there was a leg there

and our striker simply lost his head.

It was bitten clean off, you know.

It has affected your record.

That's Lions 160, Christians 0. You have to be gutted.

Very nearly, but luckily I was a bit too quick for the lions.

Do you think that the Christians will ever beat the Lions?

We'll just take each game as it comes.

So... no.

-No, not a prayer, no. No.

-We do have some good news, though.

Oh, have you found me leg?

Uh, no. Oh.

Hey!

No, we haven't found your leg,

but we have decided to give you our Man of the Match Award.

There you are.

-Bless you.

-Mainly, of course, for your great performance in the arena,

but also because you're the only one left alive.

LION ROARS

Oh! Oh...

Spoke too soon.

Slimy Stuarts.

In Stuart times, the English King was really unpopular.

So unpopular, in fact, that some people started a war against him.

The King lost and that's not all he lost.

You join us here on this saddest of days, in 1649,

for the funeral of our beloved King Charles I.

Let's have a word with him now, Your Majesty.

I can't help noticing this is your funeral but you're not dead yet.

Well, I will be shortly.

I'm about to be executed by Oliver Cromwell and his Puritans

for high treason.

Isn't high treason a crime against the King and surely you are the King?

Precisely. I did try to tell the court

that they had no right to sit in judgement over a monarch.

And they told you?

To, um...

bog off.

I notice you're wearing two shirts for the occasion.

Yes, well spotted.

I don't want the weather to cause any shivers

that the crowd might mistake for fear.

A wise precaution.

I really should've worn two pairs of underpants.

Hmm. Oh, it looks like they're ready for you now.

Here goes.

The moment the crowd have been waiting for has arrived, now.

It's time for the royal execution.

Let's hope for a nice clean cut.

And...

Oh, yes, there it is. Bile in my eye.

I don't think they enjoyed that

quite as much as they thought they would.

Very moving scenes, indeed.

What did they do with King Charles I's head after his execution?

Did they - A, stick it on a spike?

B, sew it back on?

Or C, play football with it?

The answer is...

B, they sewed it back on to his body

so his family could pay their respects.

Charlie got the chop and there was no king for a while,

but the English people found they missed having one,

so his son, Charles II, was put on the throne.

The monarchy was restored, but not everybody was happy about it,

particularly not Cromwell's super-strict Puritans.

This is Mr and Mrs Miserable -

the deeply religious Puritan family from Norwich,

and they're doing a wife swap with Mr and Mrs Merry,

the party-mad restoration family from London.

The Puritan family want to ban parties

and the Restoration family want to party all the time.

I wonder how they'll get on.

Oh, hi, hello.

Pleased to meet you. I'm Mr Merry.

Call me Jamie. And you are?

-Mrs Miserable.

-Oh, surely you have a first name.

We're very informal here.

Yes, I do, it's Fight the Good Fight of Faith -

a wholesome, Puritan name.

Mrs Miserable it is then.

So, did things get off to a better start in the Puritan household?

How do you do? I'm Mrs Merry, Genie Merry.

You must be Mr Miserable.

Yes.

Well, let's get to know each other a bit better.

I've just got my first part as an actress in a Restoration comedy.

Acting is sinful. You should be whipped and put in the stocks.

OK. So far so good.

Truly these are terrible times.

I can't believe they brought back theatre

after we Puritans banned it!

I mean, next thing you know they'll be bringing back Christmas.

Ooh, hello. What an adorable baby.

-Well, what's her name?

-Silence.

Oh.

No, Silence is her name.

Oh, I see, sorry. Sorry.

Her full name is Silence Discipline.

My husband chose it.

Ah, obviously you would've chosen something bit less gloomy.

Well, yes,

I wanted to call her If Christ Had Not Died Thou Has Been Damned.

Ha ha! That would be ridiculous.

After my mother.

Then, perhaps, Silence is the way forward.

What a terrible ungodly man.

Since parliament decided to restore the monarchy,

England has gone to rack and ruin.

Mrs Mis just needs to lighten up a bit.

Catch up on all the fun she's missed, you know.

Oliver Cromwell's dead, Puritanism is history. Hooray for Charles II.

You know, the Restoration's here.

Party on!

And things aren't going much better for Mrs Merry.

-Sorry, what's this?

-Dinner.

Mr Merry has laid on a party for his honoured guest.

Not enjoying the music, Mrs Mis?

Music is sinful.

Don't suppose you fancy a dance then?

-Dancing is sinful.

-Well, at least let me get you a drink.

-Drinking is sinful.

-Obviously.

So what do you Puritans do for fun, then?

Fun is sinful.

It's time for the Puritan family and the Restoration family

to settle their differences.

Oh, King Charles II! A curse on your restored monarchy!

Yeah, a curse on your so-called restoration.

Your sinful ways are an abomination.

And those that sin shall burn in hell.

You, you like telling people off, don't you?

-Well, yes, we do.

-And that was fun, wasn't it?

-Yes.

-Yeah, I suppose.

And just remind me, isn't fun sinful?

Hmm?

-You sinful Jezebel.

-Well, you're gonna burn in hell.

Next time on Historical Wife Swap, it's 1778

and Mrs Posh needs the loo.

Where pray, is the toilet?

Well, there's a hole in the ground out back.

-While Mr Posh has to touch a peasant.

-Enchante.

HE LAUGHS

Ew.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts, We gave you the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery... #

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