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# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
# Stylish Stuarts Vile Victorians | 0:00:03 | 0:00:04 | |
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
# Dingy castles, daring knights | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
# Horrors that defy description | 0:00:07 | 0:00:08 | |
# Cut-throat Celts or bull Egyptians | 0:00:08 | 0:00:09 | |
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
# Punishment from ancient times | 0:00:11 | 0:00:12 | |
# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless | 0:00:12 | 0:00:13 | |
# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages | 0:00:15 | 0:00:16 | |
# Mean and miserly Middle Ages | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
# Gory stories we do that | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
# And your host, a talking rat | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
# Welcome to Horrible Histories. # | 0:00:26 | 0:00:32 | |
Britain about 2,000 years ago, and not a Roman in sight. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
Whoops, spoke too soon. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
The Romans have invaded and they're here to stay. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:47 | |
I wonder what they'll make of the food. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
Hello, I'm an angry, shouty Roman chef and, having invaded Britain, | 0:00:52 | 0:00:57 | |
the first thing I notice is that the food is awful! | 0:00:57 | 0:01:01 | |
So I've come down here to this rubbish restaurant, | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
see if I can't turn things around, yes? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Come on. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
So, what is it you're cooking here, | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
in this stinking dog-hole of a primitive kitchen? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
Um, uh, this is the staple diet of Celtic Britain. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:17 | |
Um, right here we have the stale bread and this is some ale. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
-And, uh? -Right, well, | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
uh, you eat this, and this is to stop it sticking in your throat. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
And what on earth is this? | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Ah, well, this is today's special. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
I call this recipe, "Lump of unsalted meat". | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
You think that's special? Celtic Britain is a disaster, fat man. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:40 | |
You're about to get a cooking makeover, Roman style. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
Fetch me that pan. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
So we're going to create a Roman menu. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
Now remember, the Romans are so sophisticated, | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
they like to eat as much as they can, | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
make themselves sick and then eat even more. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
So we gotta make something | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
that tastes as good on the way back up | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
as it did on the way down. Yes? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
OK. So what I'm going to make is a wild boar, | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
with live song thrushes | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
that fly out when you cut it open. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
I wanna peacocks, a ravens, a swans, a jackdaws. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:17 | |
I want the innards of an ostrich in a bowl | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
and sows' udders | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
mixed with the brains of a goat, yes? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
OK. Pass me the pan. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
Let's cook! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
Now let me just try some of these sheep's lungs. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
Mmm, not bad but it could do with a little something. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
Uh, pass me some of those rotten fish guts. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
Mmm, that's the stuff. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
Delicious. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
HE BURPS | 0:02:51 | 0:02:52 | |
OK, so we got boar, birds, salad, brains, lungs. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:57 | |
Well, that's the starter done. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Now we should get on with the main course. Pan. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
Hey-hey! Let's cook. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
And if you think our Roman eating habits were disgusting, | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
you should see what our toilets were like. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
Right, here are the toilets. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
Great. Well, after you. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
After me? You are such a country bumpkin, Sextus. This is Rome. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
We have communal toilets. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
We all go together. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:26 | |
Come on, you. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
-But... -Come on! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
-Afternoon, gents. -Ah, afternoon, Marcus. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
Oh, this is Sextus by the way, my cousin. First visit to the city. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
Oh, wonderful. Well, take a seat. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
OK. Thanks. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
-Mmm. -So, Marcus, how are you? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
Oh, feeling a bit... HE BREAKS WIND | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
..better, thanks. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Was a bit poorly last week. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
-Oh? Did you have that... -HE BREAKS WIND | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
..cold that's going around? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
Yeah, I think so. I tried that newfangled cure, though. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
I ate nothing but... HE BREAKS WIND | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
..cabbages. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
And drank my own urine for a day. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:04 | |
-Worked a treat. -Mmm? -Yeah. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
THEY BREAK WIND | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
-Ooh, sorry. -Ooh! | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Hey, that reminds me, you really must try my wife's cooking. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
Come for dinner this Thursday? We're... | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
We're having force-fed dormouse. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
You can bring your cousin. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:29 | |
Oh, that sounds... delightful. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
Mmm. Pass us the stick, old girl. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
-Yes, of course, sir. -Oh, other end, if you don't mind. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Sorry. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
Ugh. Right, see ya Thursday. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
Lovely. I'll bring some... | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
HE BREAKS WIND ..wine. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:53 | |
Bye. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:54 | |
I can't! I just can't go like this, with all you watching. | 0:04:56 | 0:05:00 | |
For goodness sake. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:01 | |
Thanks. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
It's true. 100% accu-rat. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
Ha. Romans really did socialise in their communal toilets. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:18 | |
They'd spend hours in there chatting and listening to gossip. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:22 | |
HE BREAKS WIND | 0:05:22 | 0:05:23 | |
Oh, Marcus! Ooh, I do beg your pardon, viewers. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
Honestly, there's people watching. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
-Sorry, that was my flea. -HE BREAKS WIND. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
And again! Marcus, what have I just said? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
We Victorians fought lots of wars abroad | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
and they were really gruesome. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
If you didn't die on the battlefield, | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
you probably would in the hospitals. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Check out how filthy they were. Mmm. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
Welcome to the Crimean War hospital, Nurse...? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
-Sorry, I didn't catch your name. -Uh, Florence. Florence Nightingale. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
Well, let me show you round the hospital. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
First of all, and this is very important, | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
do be careful where you tread as there's a lot of... | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
There's lots of blood on the floor. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
We do have hundreds of wounded soldiers here. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
There's also a lot of... | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
A lot of poo. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
Most of our patients have diarrhoea. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
-Oh. That's disgusting. -Ooh, watch out for the... -Aaargh! | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
-Rats, yes. -Honestly... | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
Right, this is one of our new patients. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
Oh, but look at his sheets. They're filthy. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
He's lucky. Most of our patients have to lie on the floor. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
On the floor? What, with all the... | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Blood and poo. Yes. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
Oh, good heavens. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Ah, looks like the doctor's hard at work again. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
Aha, it's just run of the mill operations round here really, | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
mainly cutting off limbs with a blunt saw. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
A blunt saw? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:52 | |
But that must really hurt. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
Well, yes, | 0:06:54 | 0:06:55 | |
I have got a bit of a stiff shoulder. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
-I just try and ignore it. -Urgh. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
With all the rats around, | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
it's very important we dispose of amputated limbs properly. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
Oh, at last, some basic hygiene. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Geoff! DOG BARKS | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
Oh, he loves his feed. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
Right, I can see we need | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
to get this place cleaned up. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
Let's start with... | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
Blood and poo, yes. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
Ugh, think this really suits me. Don't you? Ooh! | 0:07:21 | 0:07:26 | |
Yes, Florence Nightingale famously introduced cleanliness and order | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
to hospitals in the Crimean War. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
She became known as The Lady of the Lamp, | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
though us rats knew her as Lady of the Broom, | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
cos that's what she used to whack us with. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Oh, oi, you! Ha. Huh. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
Oh, me snout. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
The answer is...they all were. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
Victorians still had | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
a lot to learn about medicine, | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
and leaning about | 0:08:10 | 0:08:11 | |
how the human body worked | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
was a particularly gruesome business. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
Ooh! Bit whiffy. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
Still, much to learn... | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Egypt's pharaohs had some really complicated families, | 0:11:03 | 0:11:07 | |
and I mean complicated. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
Check this out. A-ha! | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
Behold the Queen of Egypt, the living Isis, Cleopatra. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:25 | |
Uh oh. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:30 | |
What on earth are you playing at? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
I fell out the end halfway up the stairs. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
You could've broken my beautiful nose... | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
Oh, no. I don't believe it. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Yes, Cleopatra VII, last pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, this is your reign. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:48 | |
What a lovely surprise. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
-And I bet you helped. -Yes, mistress. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Yes. Well, to show you how much I appreciate it, | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
I'm going to have you buried alive with me, when I die. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Oh. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
Yes, this is a show where your friends and family | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
tell us funny stories about you, | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
and we're starting with your brother, | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
your husband, your second cousin and your brother-in-law. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
Yes, it's Ptolemy XIII, | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
and, er... | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
Hang on, that can't be right. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
Shouldn't there be four people? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Oh, no, he is all four. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
You see, I married two of my brothers | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
and my dad is my mum's mum's brother, so... | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
Oh, cool. OK, maybe your dad can clear things up, | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
because he is here tonight with your uncle, | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
your great uncle, your father-in-law and one of your other husbands. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:41 | |
Hi, Dad, father-in-law, | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
brother-in-law, | 0:12:43 | 0:12:44 | |
second cousin, third cousin. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
Maybe we should leave the family stuff to one side. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
It's a bit weird. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:50 | |
-Let's concentrate on your husbands. -It's us. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
No, no, the other ones. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
Because you didn't just marry members of your own family, | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
you also had a thing for powerful Romans. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
That's right, husband number two and five, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony are here tonight. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
Hello there, everyone. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:11 | |
-It's great to be here. -Me too. Love the show. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
Tell us a bit about your romance with Cleopatra. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
Uh, well, in 48BC I was the unchallenged ruler of Rome, | 0:13:16 | 0:13:23 | |
then I met Cleo. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
Uh, she made me stay on a very long holiday in Egypt. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
By the time I got back to Rome, | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
I'd become so unpopular | 0:13:30 | 0:13:31 | |
that I was murdered by my best friends in broad daylight. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
That's similar to me. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
I mean, 42BC, had the world at my feet, great armies at my disposal, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
met Cleo, shortly after, I died alone, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
under attack by my own people. Shocker. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
I mean, she's hardly a good-luck charm, is she? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
-I was just thinking that. -Yeah. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Well, it was never going to work with either of you two. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
I mean, we're not even distantly related. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
Urgh. Cleopatra, this is your very disturbing reign. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
So, have we been married yet? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Uh, um, no. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
Come on, let's check our family trees. We might be related. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
We've all heard of Cleopatra. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
She's the most famous female pharaoh, but she wasn't the first. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:19 | |
She was Hatshepsut, pharaoh of Ancient Egypt. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
She had power, she had riches, | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
she had everything a great pharaoh needed. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
Except a beard. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
-Sorry, a what? -A beard. -A beard? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
Yes. The pharaoh was meant to be the god Horace in human form, | 0:14:34 | 0:14:39 | |
and Horace was a bloke, so you wore a fake beard to look like a bloke. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh, are you, are you sure about that? | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
Yes, quite sure. Here we go. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
Hatshepsut wore a false beard and dressed in men's clothes. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:56 | |
Hang on, what?! | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
You dressed in men's clothes. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Don't blame me. That's, like, just what you did. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
Oh, that's ridiculous. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
Hatshepsut, the queen who would be king, | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
took the throne from her stepson | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
and reigned over Egypt for 22 years, | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
-until she disappeared in mysterious circumstances... -Whoa, whoa, what? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
..her monuments destroyed and her name erased from history. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
Stop, stop, stop. What happened to me? | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
You were murdered, probably by your stepson. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
He was pretty annoyed about the whole throne stealing incident. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:32 | |
-Right, that's it. -Where are you going? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
You can keep the whole pharaoh thing. Sounds far too dangerous. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
-What about the beard? -Ooh, I'm keeping the beard! | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
Think it really suits me. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Ooh, that Hatshepsut! Ooh, she was a right show off, she was. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:50 | |
She had lots of carvings done saying she'd won loads of battles, | 0:15:50 | 0:15:54 | |
when actually, her dad had won them all. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
Yeah! The next pharaoh put the record straight, though, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
by chipping her name off all the monuments. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
The rat knows all. Hm. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
William Shakespeare was the most famous | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
-playwright in England. -HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
-Britain. -HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
The world. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
Towards the end of Queen Elizabeth's reign, | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
he had his famous theatre, The Globe, built in old London town. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
Tea break. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Back to work. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:32 | |
But then, his landlord put the rent up. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
Argh! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
So, to save money, Shakespeare had the entire theatre moved. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:42 | |
One, two, three, lift. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
From north of the River Thames, to south of the River Thames. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
To me, to you. To me, to you. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
Argh, it's on me foot. Ah, that's better. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
It didn't last long, though. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
During a performance of the play, Henry VIII, | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
they used a canon to announce the arrival of the king, | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
which set fire to the thatched roof, and the whole Globe burnt down. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:08 | |
Right, you get the tools. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
I'll stick the kettle on. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
Amazing, you couldn't make it up. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
Well, obviously Shakespeare could have, | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
but he was good at that sort of thing wasn't he, Shakespeare? | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
OK, it's the Battle Of Bosworth Field, | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
where Richard III is on the run from the gallant Henry Tudor. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:30 | |
Take it away. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse." | 0:17:35 | 0:17:40 | |
Hang on! Hang on. Whoa. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
Who on earth are you? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:44 | |
I, Mr Shakespeare, am the ghost of Richard III, | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
and I take it that that is supposed to be me. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Why have you given me a hunchback, a limp and withered arm? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
It's symbolic. It shows you were an evil, murderous king. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
But I wasn't! You just said that and everyone believed you. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
-Well, you did kill the Duke of Somerset. -No, I didn't. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
You just wrote it in your play. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
The Duke of Somerset died | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
when I was three years old. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
Whoa! Well, three-year-olds can have a temper. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
There's a difference between throwing your food on the floor | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
and stabbing a Duke through the heart. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
And then, just then, what he said, "My horse, my horse." | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
"My kingdom for a horse." | 0:18:20 | 0:18:21 | |
-Don't say it now. -Well, it's dramatic licence. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
It's rubbish, is what it is. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Frankly, it'd be more realistic | 0:18:26 | 0:18:27 | |
if I'd have tried to escape on a...badger. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
I'm William Shakespeare. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
I write plays and I make stuff up. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
If I wrote it how it was in real life, | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
it would be rubbish and boring, like school. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
Look, I just want a historically accurate rewrite, | 0:18:41 | 0:18:46 | |
and I want to play myself. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
A badger, a badger, my kingdom for a badger. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
I need to use it to go and see the Duke of Somerset's grave, | 0:18:54 | 0:18:59 | |
who incidentally died ages ago, when I was three. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
So there's no way I could've possibly stabbed him to death. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:08 | |
I've got a hunch this play's gonna ruin me. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
I've got a hunch. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
Hello and welcome to the News At When. When? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
Over 1,000 years ago, when Vikings were always invading British shores. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:31 | |
Here to tell us all about it is Bob Hale, with the Viking Report. Bob. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:36 | |
Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 786AD | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
and all calm at the moment, | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
with lots of happy English people, | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
or Saxons as I like to call them, spread across the whole country. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
But I'm afraid it's not going to last. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
You can see here a nasty Viking front | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
sweeping in from the northeast, | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
causing heavy damage to both monasteries and indeed monks, | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
before heading back off to Scandinavia. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
But not for long, here they come again. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
There's lots more of them and they just won't go away. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
But luckily a strong band of Saxons, led by King Alfred, | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
pushed back up across the country, creating a front here, | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
with the Saxons to the south and the Vikings to the north. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
But in 920AD the Saxons say no, | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
enough is enough and they retake the north, | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
making the whole of England Saxon again | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
and that is the end of that. Or so we thought. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Here come those Vikings again, | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
and a Saxon king called Ethelred doesn't like fighting, | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
so he tries to pay them not to fight, | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
but they just take his money and invade anyway. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
Those Vikings! | 0:20:28 | 0:20:29 | |
And before long, the Vikings are everywhere | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
and in 1017 we even get a Viking King. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
Let's call him Canute, because that's his name, | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
and everyone just shuts up and gets used to it. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
But not for long. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:39 | |
After a whole succession of kings, some Saxon, some Viking, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
we end up with a Saxon one again, | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
let's call him Harold, | 0:20:44 | 0:20:45 | |
because that's his name, | 0:20:45 | 0:20:46 | |
and before you know it it's 1066. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
Sound familiar? Very famous. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
Viking's invade from the north, and while Harold's fighting them off, | 0:20:50 | 0:20:54 | |
the Normans from France invade the south. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
They say the crown belongs to their king, William the Conqueror. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
There's a massive battle in Hastings, | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
let's call it The Battle Of Hastings, | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
because that's what it was called, | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
and Harold gets shot in the eye | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
and then cut into little pieces. Not a great day. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
However, William the Conqueror just conquers England | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
and all the Saxons who were so worried about the Vikings | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
end up being conquered by the Normans. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
I mean, fancy that! | 0:21:18 | 0:21:19 | |
So in summary, lots of nasty men, big axes, | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
just don't go outside. Back to you, Sam. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
Did you know, the cities of Dublin and Swansea were built by Vikings. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:34 | |
Swansea was named after the Danish King Sweyne, | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
that's Sweyne Sea, cos it was Sweyne's and it's on the sea. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:42 | |
The rat knows all. Good map. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:47 | |
There's nowhere in Britain named after the Viking Sigurd the Mighty, | 0:21:47 | 0:21:53 | |
and here's why. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:54 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true | 0:21:57 | 0:22:02 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. # | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
Ooh. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Next. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:09 | |
-Name? -Sigurd... the Mighty. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
Sigurd, full stop. Year of death? | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
892AD. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Profession? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
Viking ruler of mighty Orkney. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
Ruler of a tiny island off Scotland. Method of death? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:30 | |
Well, we Vikings had already conquered Orkney | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
and we fancied somewhere a little bit bigger to conquer, | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
so we invaded mainland Scotland and defeated the Scots in pitch battle. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:40 | |
I took the head of my sworn enemy, Earl Maelbrigte of Moray, | 0:22:40 | 0:22:44 | |
-and strapped it to my saddle as a sign of triumph. -Charming. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:49 | |
Unfortunately... | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
-Yes? -While I was riding home, my leg brushed against the teeth | 0:22:51 | 0:22:55 | |
of the severed head. The wound went septic and I died of the infection. | 0:22:55 | 0:23:00 | |
Bitten to death by a severed head. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
Ooh, ooh, ooh... | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
You're dead funny. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
ALARM BEEPS | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
Yeah, I love my job sometimes. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
I do! | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
Next. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:23 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. # | 0:23:23 | 0:23:28 | |
We Georgians came up with the idea of | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
making Yorkshire puddings out of batter, | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
and that's not the only bright idea we had. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
Ugh, the hand is yours, sirrah. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
I win again. Huzzah! | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
Let's play again, Earl Sandwich, | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
only this time I shall beat you, what! | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
We shall soon see about that. Aha. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
Ooh, I find myself a tad peckish, old boy. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:04 | |
Cook! | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
-Yes, your Lordship? -Fetch me some meat. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
Yes, your Lordship. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
Mmm, yeah. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
Ah, dashed inconvenient, | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
but methinks I shall have to stop playing cards in order to eat. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:21 | |
Unless, uh... May I steal some of your fine bread? | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
-Be my guest. -Ah, yes. I'll say. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
There, huzzah! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
The bread stops my hand from getting greasy from the meat. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
Uh, ergo I can eat with one hand, | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
while still playing cards with the other. Ha-ha! | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
Mmm, I think you might be on to something, Earl Sandwich. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
We should name it a sandwich, after you. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:50 | |
A sandwich, capital. Aha-ha. Ha-ha. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
My good cook, I would like one of Earl Sandwich's sandwiches. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
Um, I'm afraid we've no more meat, sir, | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
we're only got the leftovers we feed to the dogs, | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
such as hooves, snouts, tails, guts, private parts... | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
Oh, well, why not mince it all up, shove it into some intestines, | 0:25:08 | 0:25:13 | |
boil the living daylights out of it and then stick it in a bun. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:18 | |
-Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! -Of course, Baron Hotdog. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
I think I'm going to throw up, fetch me a bucket. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
Certainly, Lord Turkey of Twizzler. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
Yes, it really was Earl Sandwich who gave his name to the sandwich. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
But he wasn't the first person to eat things between pieces of bread. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
The Romans were doing that about 2,000 years before. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:48 | |
So we should probably call it a sandwichus. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:25:48 | 0:25:52 | |
Cos that's... If you put an "us" on the end of words | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
it makes them sound Roman and... Oh, please yourselves. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:59 | |
Posh Georgians, like Earl Sandwich, loved playing cards. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
Poor Georgians had some much weirder ways of amusing themselves. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:08 | |
The answer is... | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
C. The man ate a cockerel alive, feathers, entrails and all. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
And here's another horrible Georgian entertainment. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:32 | |
Welcome to HHTV Sport, bringing you live sporting events from the past. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:41 | |
This week we're off to the 1700s, | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
when many poor people often didn't wash for months. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
Their coats and wigs became infested with lice, | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
which in turn led to the sport of lice racing. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
Sounds disgusting? Well, it was. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
You join us here for the Chelsea Pensioner Stakes. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
I like a day at the races. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
Perfect, a fine pedigree louse. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
I call him Itchy Boy, for obvious reasons. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
And they're under starters orders, and they're off. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
And it's Itchy Boy from Scratchy Lad, | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
with Haven't Washed For Weeks coming up on the outside. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
Urgh, get it off me! | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
Itchy Boy has fallen, he's broken a leg. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
He's still got five left. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
So it's Scratchy Lad and Haven't Washed For Weeks. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
And at the line it's Itchy Boy who wins it by a head. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:27 | |
Congratulations. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:28 | |
Thank you. But this trophy's not for me, it's for Itchy... | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
Boy. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:34 | |
Never mind, plenty more where that came from. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
# Tall tales, atrocious acts | 0:27:44 | 0:27:45 | |
# We gave you all the fearsome facts | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
# The ugly truth No glam or glitz | 0:27:47 | 0:27:48 | |
# We showed you all the juicy bits | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
# Stuff they don't teach you at school | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! # | 0:27:58 | 0:28:00 |