Episode 6 Horrible Histories

# Gorgeous Georgians, slimy Stuarts Wild Victorians, woeful wars

# Dingy castles, daring knights Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

# Roman rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories - we do that And your host - a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

Measly Middle Ages.

We had some pretty weird beliefs in the Middle Ages,

I mean, some people believe

they should go around the place whipping themselves.

Weird or what?

Argh!

Arg!

Ooh.

Give us ya money!

Or I'll whack you with my cudgel!

You'll hit me with your cudgel? What sort of a threat is that?

I'm whipping myself with a steel-tipped whip here.

Ah, now look what you made me do.

I'm supposed to be abstaining from talking,

I'm gonna have to whip myself again now as punishment. Argh!

Why aren't you supposed to talk?

Because I'm a flagellant.

I'm atoning for my sins by wandering from town to town

silently whipping meself,

I've opened me gob again now.

Argh.

Well, whipping or no whipping, give us your money or I'll, I'll...

Yes? Argh!

I'll hit you with this cudgel, and I'll cut your feet off

and gouge your eyes out.

-Well, that might be quite helpful actually.

-What?

Well, like I say, I'm a flagellant, I'm trying to suffer as Jesus did

so that God'll save my soul,

I'm thinking the more suffering, the better, so do your worst. Ooh!

If you won't give me your money, I'll just have to help meself.

Argh! Agh! That's disgusting!

Yeah, I know, as well as the whipping,

we flagellants are also forbidden to wash, shave or change our clothes.

-Ooh.

-You're not right in the 'ead.

Ere, hang on, you haven't even got any money!

Nah, that's the other thing about us flagellants,

we believe money to be the root of all evil.

Ooh! So I'm penniless.

Oh, what's the point, I'm a hopeless thief.

Well, why don't you give it up?

Aye? Come on the road with me.

It'll mean you'll go to heaven.

You're on, I am a sinner.

Argh. Oh, how long do I have to do this for?

Well, Jesus lived for 33 and a third years,

so we'll keep this up for 33 and a third days.

-33 and a third days?

-No talking in front!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Flagellants were around during the Black Death of the 1340s,

they believed it was a punishment from God,

so they punished themselves,

in the hope that God would stop punishing them!

Mind you, Black Death or whipping yourself?

Whipping yourself or Black Death? I'm not sure which I prefer.

In the Middle Ages they also believed

you could cure the Black Death by what?

The answer is...

all three.

People in the Middle Ages believed some really weird stuff.

Today on The Made-up Planet,

we're looking at some monsters that explorers

from the Middle Ages claimed to have spotted on their travels.

Not knowing any better, people of the time believed they were real.

There's one now, the monopod, a one-legged giant,

he's using his one huge foot as a sunshade.

Foot keeps sun off face all right,

but now bottom of foot burned, ow!

'And how privileged we are to see one of these.'

A Blemiyeh, supposedly one of a race of headless men.

Obviously being headless does have its drawbacks.

DOG BARKS

What's this? Yes, the unmistakable bark of a dog...

headed man.

That's a canocephali.

Claimed by explorers from the Middle Ages to be found in India.

Ruff! Ruff!

And what a stroke of luck!

The bonnacon, a giant bull that uses projectile dung as a weapon.

Yeugh! Argh!

Actually that's quite soothing on sunburn.

Join us next week on The Made-up Planet for more made-up creatures

that never really existed.

Though it would have been fun if they had.

Ooh...

nice.

Now I know those creatures sound pretty silly,

but most of the world was still unexplored in the Middle Ages,

so people really did believe

strange things lived in lands they'd never been to.

I mean they even thought there was a, a huge monster in, wait for it,

Loch Ness! I mean, who'd think that, eh?

Who'd think there was a monster in Loch Ness?!

I mean, what crazy people would think that?!

HE LAUGHS

Who?

Oh, OK. Each to their own.

Vile Victorians.

In Victorian Britain, many poor children were sent

to work in factories,

which were very, very dangerous places to be.

Good day.

Aaaargh!

This morning I was involved in an accident at work.

I lost two fingers,

so I contacted Victorian Claims Direct

to see if I could claim some money from my injuries.

They said no and I got no money at all.

'That's right, he got zero compensation.

'Yes, zero compensation!'

But I did get...

The sack! He can't work properly with no fingers.

Have you been working 12 hours a day since the age of five

in a factory and been injured at work?

Then you too could be line for zero compensation.

This nine-year old works in a factory making chains,

wielding that huge hammer all day, every day.

Now I'm crippled for life.

He got zero compensation.

This seven-year-old girl has spent five years

turning a weaving loom 12 hours a day in a ribbon factory.

Now I can't walk, but thanks to Victorian Claims Direct

I got nothing.

That's right, she too got zero compensation.

This 11-year-old child has had an unfortunate accident with nails.

That's no accident, I hammered 'em in,

that'll teach him for not working hard enough in my nail factory!

And he got, you guessed it -

zero compensation.

So if you too are a Victorian child and you've had an accident at work,

bad luck, you're stuffed.

Victorian Claims Direct,

we guarantee zero compensation and no money back.

Of course not all children had to work in Victorian factories,

some were made to clean our chimneys.

So what seems to be the problem?

Her ladyship believes

there may be some sort of blockage in the chimney.

Mm, right, well let's have a look-see, shall we?

Oh, yeah, yeah, there's definitely something blocking it.

Not to worry though, I think a number six should clear it.

Number six.

Yes, guv.

Get up there.

-Right-ho.

-Remember what I told you.

Try not to die.

That's the spirit, yeah.

Nice clock.

-I think I've found the blockage.

-Oh, good boy.

BLOCKAGE RUMBLES

COUGHING

Yeah, just as I thought, you had a bit of chimney sweep stuck up there.

Yeah, I think we got it all out now.

Hang on, guv, there's a bit more 'ere.

COUGHING

HE COUGHS

Oh, dear.

Cor! Something else is jammed up here pretty good.

Problem is see, unlike, say, your screwdriver or your spanner,

your chimney sweep has an annoying tendency of growing older

and getting bigger.

Once they start getting jammed up there,

you've gotta replace 'em, mate.

Oh, I think I've got it.

RUMBLING

No-one saw a thing.

Is he one of yours?

No, guv.

The Victorians made children do all sorts of jobs,

but they also invented lots of technology -

electricity, the railway,

steel ships, the car, the radio, postage stamps, movies,

the light bulb and the first ever telephone.

Ha! Presumably the phone number was easy to remember,

cos it would only be one.

Gorgeous Georgians.

# A gorgeous Georgian lady is quite a sight to see

# For some splendid beauty tips

# Pay attention, listen to me

# White is beautiful, dear ladies

# Smear your face with paint of lead

# Never mind the lead has made

# The men who mixed it ill or dead

# Take some silk of red or black

# Cut a circle or a crescent

# Stick it to your face to cover smallpox scars

# It's much more pleasant

# Shave your eyebrows clean away

# Take a trap and catch some mice

# Make false eyebrows with the mouse skin

# Stick them on - you'll look so nice

# Squeak! Squeak!

# Next you need a monster wig

# If you want to look real smashing

# When your wig has reached the roof

# Then you'll be the height of fashion

# Decorate your lovely hair piece

# Use the feathers of a parrot

# Add some ribbons, fruit and flowers

# From your ear then hang a carrot

# Make your face look soft and chubby

# Pack your mouths with balls of cork

# Hang your false teeth in the middle

# Hope you don't choke when you talk

# Now you've followed my advice

# Last of all you need a fan

# Flutter it oh, so demurely

# Then you're sure to bag your man. #

Argh!

Do you want to know how poor Georgians made themselves look good?

They didn't, ha! Horrid smelly peasants.

They couldn't have been more different

from us nice Georgian posh people.

This is Lord and Lady Posh from the manor.

Hello. We're very, very, very rich.

And they're doing a wife swap with...

the Peasant family of Poorville.

Hello. We're very, very, very hungry.

So how will these two very different Georgian classes get on?

Show me to my bedroom, poor person.

Er, this is your bedroom and our bedroom,

and the living room, kitchen and dining room.

Oh...

and where pray is the toilet?

Well, there's a hole in the ground out back.

THUD!

You all right?

And things don't get off to a much better start in the mansion.

Arh, you must be Mrs Peasant.

Mm...

Enchante.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Ew.

It's dinner time in the Peasant household.

I am absolutely starving, I haven't eaten anything for nearly an hour,

what's for dinner?

Oh, the usual...

nothing.

Why's your girl staring at my hair? It is quite unnerving.

I think you've got some food in it.

That fruit is decoration my girl, hmm, hmm!

I swear, I had more fruit in my hair this morning,

that little scamp has stolen an apple,

now I shall have a word with the judge in the morning and erm,

have her hanged.

Dinner time in the posh house, is a very different affair.

Do you know, I spend more on grapes every day

than you probably earn in a month.

But we don't earn anything in a month,

not since you were given ownership of the common land.

The Enclosures Act, yeah.

What a wonderful piece of legislation,

I must remember to congratulate my close friend the Prime Minister.

But we poor people have got no fields left to work!

Ohh... That is a sad story,

would you like my private 27-piece orchestra to play you something sad?

Orchestra, play something sad!

Now, do go on.

I never thought I'd say this about the Lord of the Manor,

but I'm starting to think in actual fact, he's not really very nice.

It's time for the Lord and Lady of the Manor

and the peasants of the village to settle their differences.

And we really had no idea the terrible conditions

in which you peasants live.

I see, me Lady.

So my wife and I have decided to do something about it.

We're going to flatten your entire village.

What?

Well, it is quite an eyesore,

and it really rather ruins our nice country views.

Mm.

You can tootle off to town and die working in a mill or something.

SHE CRIES

Oh, no, you're upset.

Oh, dear.

Orchestra, play something sad.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

No crying. No crying.

HE LAUGHS

Rich people really did that kind of thing in Georgian times.

The Duke of Chandos really had his own private orchestra,

and the Earl of Carlisle

had a whole village flattened just because it ruined his view.

HE LAUGHS

Do you know, I've been thinking of having that sofa flattened,

so I can see exactly what has been left out in the kitchen.

Potty Pioneers.

True or false?

It's...

false.

He dropped like a stone, he broke numerous bones,

but survived, unlike this potty pioneer.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Next.

-Name?

-Franz Reichelt.

Oh, year of death?

-1912.

-Profession?

Austrian tailor and inventor.

Method of death, ooh, let me guess, one of your inventions?

Well, yes, this one actually, the fabulous coat parachute,

half coat, half parachute.

Mm. So what happened?

Well, I wanted to test the coat parachute,

from the first deck of the Eifel Tower,

I told the authorities, I'd use a dummy,

but I was so confident it would work,

I actually tested it on myself.

And?

It didn't work.

Let me guess...

HE WHISTLES Splat!

Basically...

but with more screaming.

HE LAUGHS

A coat parachute!

Well, at least the coat bit worked!

The coat bit...

You're dead funny.

Next.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Rotten Romans.

When the Romans were at war,

they sometimes used slaves to row their warships,

which were called galleys,

imagine what the conditions in that job must have been like.

Good afternoon, can I have your attention please?

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you slaves

aboard this Roman galley destined for Carthage.

And I'd just like to go through a few safety procedures.

Please ensure your chains are fastened at all times

throughout the journey, they do up like so.

And should be tightened until they are extremely painful.

Lovely.

In the very likely event of an emergency,

and we are rammed by an enemy ship,

the emergency exit's are here, here and here,

but they are just for us Romans.

And to help speed up our evacuation,

please ensure that all your possessions

have already been stolen by the Roman Army.

And as the ship sinks slowly beneath the waves,

please tug desperately at your chains like so.

Help! Help!

It just remains for me to thank you for choosing to travel

with the Roman Navy,

not that you had any choice,

and I hope you have a very enjoyable voyage.

-'Scuse me, miss.

-What?

Where's the toilets?

Well, just go where you're sitting.

At least there's no queues, eh, mate?

Oh, less chat and more rowing, yes?

Dodgy War inventions,

number seven.

The Roman catapult, called an onager,

the onager was a catapult made of wood, which used leather ropes.

Wound up like a rubber band to lob rocks and flaming missiles

long distances.

Brilliant, but there was one small problem.

Leather goes all floppy when it's wet, so the ropes didn't work

in the rain.

All right, own up,

whose clever idea was it to invade Britain in February?

Oi, drummer guy,

do you know any other tunes?

Try this one out.

FASTER DRUMMING

Me and my big mouth.

Frightful First World War.

Time again for our fairy tale series,

where all the stories are retold in different historical settings.

Today, The Old Woman Who Lived In The Shoe -

The First World War Version.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,

she had so many children, she didn't know what to do,

but the boot they lived in belonged to a World War I soldier

and in the First World War,

soldiers used to wee on their boots to soften the leather.

And so the old woman and all her children always stank of wee.

The end.

Weeing on our boots was a bit yucky

but we had more important things to worry about in the terrible trenches,

where just to survive we needed all the luck we could get.

All right men, this is it, we're going over the top.

We climb out of the trench, run through the deep mud,

over the barbed wire

and charge headlong at the enemy's machine guns.

That sounds like sheer suicide. What happens if we refuse?

-You'll be shot for cowardice.

-Ready when you are, Sir.

OK, on my command.

Oh, no, hang on.

Almost forgot my soft felt cap. Ooh, that could have been nasty,

OK, cha-a-arge!

Come on, Billy, what you doing?

Looking for my four-leaf clover.

-What?

-I'm not gonna go run at a German machine gun

without my lucky four-leaf clover. Oh, hang on, here it is, I found it.

I've got to check I've got my lucky Bible.

It's strapped to your helmet.

No, that's not me lucky Bible, this is me lucky Bible.

-OK now?

-Well, hang on a tick, er, er.

-Lucky penny, lucky rabbit's foot.

-Where'd you get that?

It belonged to the lucky mascot, which got bombed.

Well, not so lucky, then!

Luck horse shoe.

Lucky charm bracelet. Almost there.

Fingers crossed, let's go.

Honestly, you and your stupid good luck charms,

they're just silly superstitions.

Retreat, retreat.

Men get back in the trench.

Good lord, some survivors, this is a first.

You are so lucky!

Still think it's a load of superstitious nonsense, eh?

Come on, help me find a four-leaf clover.

World War I soldiers were very superstitious,

and good luck charms were really popular.

Who knows if they worked,

but there certainly were some very lucky soldiers,

like Captain William Milner, who was saved

when a German bullet pinged off the metal badge on his cap.

Ooh, close call.

During World War I, the lucky mascots of the Scots Guards

were called Bella and Bertha, but what were they?

The answer is...

The two cows were the only survivors from a herd

that had been hit by a bomb, lucky cows!

Groovy Greeks.

We Greeks were famous for stories about our gods and heroes,

which are known as myths.

Some of them were really gruesome and horrible too, like this one,

the story of Cronos, the boss of all the Greek gods.

Greek Myth Talk.

Good morning and have we a special show lined up for you,

I'll be talking to some Greek gods.

So let's start with the wife of the chief Greek god, Mrs Cronos.

APPLAUSE

Mrs Cronos, I understand that your husband had a rather nasty habit.

-Yeah, that's right.

-What did he do?

-Did he put his sandals up on the furniture?

-He ate all our babies.

AUDIENCE BOO

Let's bring him out.

Cronos.

AUDIENCE BOO

-So Mr Cronos, you ate all your babies?

-Yes, I did.

How many exactly?

-Six.

-Why did you do it?

Cos there was this prophecy that one of my children,

was going to take over my throne.

So you ate them all?

Better safe than sorry.

BOOING

Well, it worked didn't it? I'm still top god.

Do all top gods have to worry about their children taking their jobs?

-What you getting at?

-Didn't you only get your father's job

by cutting off his dangly bits with a sickle?

So what if I did?

BOOING

So Mrs Cronos, I believe you have a little something

to tell your husband.

-You know you think you ate all six of our children?

-Yeah.

Well, you only ate five.

-What?

-The last one was a little rock I wrapped up in a blanket.

You never?!

Yes, Cronos, you had thought you had eaten him, but he is here tonight,

please welcome your son, Zeus.

Yeah, how do you like that, Dad?

-AUDIENCE: Fight, fight, fight.

-Please, please, guys, please.

Well, Zeus, your father ate all your brothers and sisters,

he thought he'd eaten you, is there anything you'd like to say to him?

Yeah there is. Dad...

you know how my mum brought me up.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, well now you're gonna bring up my brothers and sisters.

What you talking about?

I poisoned your drink. You're gonna sick 'em up.

What?

HE CHOKES AND VOMITS

And he has, Cronos has just thrown up

his now fully grown children,

but I must remind you that all our guests

on this programme are Greek gods, so please don't try this at home.

Look at you, oh, you look lovely.

That is certainly the most unusual family reunion,

join us after the break when we'll be using a DNA test

to find out if Oedipus really did marry his mother. See you then.

APPLAUSE

We're gonna need tissues.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd