Episode 9 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts and bold Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories! #

The streets in Tudor Britain were quite disgusting. Yuck.

See what I mean?

And now let's look ahead to what we can expect to see raining down

on top of us in the streets of Tudor Britain over the next few days.

Once again we're forecasting lots of poo and pee,

here, here and here.

Everywhere in fact, as this is Tudor Britain,

where people go to the toilet in buckets,

and throw it out of the window.

And it's not just buckets.

Sometimes people stick their bottoms out of the window and poo

directly onto the street below.

And if you're on the street below, directly onto you.

So, we can expect sudden showers of wee, heavy poo downpours,

and with this level of hygiene, some showers of vomit,

with conditions becoming slippery

and in some cases rather smelly. Ooh!

So, a summary then.

If you're living in Tudor times

and walking in the streets,

be sure to wear a big hat.

Have a nice day. Ta-ta.

Did you know that Queen Elizabeth I had one of

the very first flushing toilets in Britain?

Before that, she just squatted over a pit. Ha!

How very regal! Huh.

"One's done a number two."

Ha-ha!

Time again for our fairytale series,

where the stories are retold in different historical settings.

Today, Thumbelina, the Tudor version.

And so Thumbelina found her way to London,

where she hoped to meet a fairy prince.

Unfortunately this was Tudor times, so the streets were all

six inches deep in poo, which people had thrown out of their windows.

And since Thumbelina was only six inches tall...

..Thumbelina drowned in poo.

The end.

All good Victorian homes had fireplaces,

and you won't believe what we used to keep our chimneys clean.

Hi, I'm a shouty man

and I'm here to tell you about new Victorian Child,

the chimney cleaning revolution.

New Victorian Child cleans even the most difficult of bends, don't you?

And you can really see it working.

The chimney flue on the left is clogged with dirt and soot,

whereas the one on the right is completely soot free.

It's been cleaned with new Victorian Child.

There it is now.

Help. I'm... I'm stuck.

And just look at the results.

Well, Victorian Child now has eye infection,

skin irritation and breathing problems,

but when your chimney's this clean, who cares?

We'll even throw in this pack of pins,

to make sure your child remains motivated.

Argh!

Up ya go, little fella.

And what's more, new Victorian Child comes with a full guarantee.

If it's injured, falls to its death, suffocates, is badly burned

or gets too darn big, we'll just replace it

with another poor child, free of charge.

So go on, try new Victorian Child today.

Shove a kid up your chimney and the dirt is gone.

Use before 1864 because then it's abolished.

Believe it or not, in Victorian times

many poor children worked as chimney sweeps by the age of five.

Well, you needed to be tiny to fit up there, didn't you?

When you got too big, you were out of a job and out on the street.

Well, that's if you managed to survive at all.

It's horrible, but then that's because this is Horrible Histories.

If you think being sent up a chimney is horrible,

you should see the terrible punishments

they handed out at our super-strict Victorian schools. Ooh.

I think you'll find the conditions at our Victorian school

to be quite exemplary, inspector.

I'll be the judge of that, Headmaster,

that's why we have these random school inspections.

CHILDREN SOB

Pray, explain what's going on here?

Well, I was administering 30 lashes to this boy,

and then I broke one of my canes,

so I was giving him 30 more lashes for damaging school property.

I see.

And what did he do?

He misspelled the word anti-disestablishmentarianism.

And how long will he be in the stocks?

-Three days.

-I see.

And another three days for sobbing!

And what was your crime, my child?

Good, you're learning!

-Explain?

-Ah, this boy is being put into the cage.

It's one of my absolute favourite punishments.

He will then be suspended from the rafters.

-What for?

-Oh, nothing. He's my son,

-and I don't want to be accused of favouritism.

-Thanks, Dad.

-So, um, what do you think then, inspector?

-Gentlemen.

-Keep up the good work.

-Marvellous.

-Jenkins, you can sit back down now.

-Thank you, sir.

-What?!

You can sit down?

I obviously haven't beaten you enough, boy!

HE SOBS

We Romans had dozens of gods, which was really handy

cos anytime you had a problem there was always a god who could fix it.

Have you been injured at home or at work?

Ow!

Or perhaps had one of your shoes stolen?

Maybe you've lost some small change

and would like to randomly accuse someone of theft.

Whatever the petty problem, Roman Gods Direct can help.

-What's your name?

-Here at Gods Direct,

we have specialist Roman gods on hand 24 hours a day

to review your petty small-minded gripe.

Gods like Neptune, god of the sea.

-Minerva, goddess of wisdom.

-Hello?

Cloacina, goddess of sewers.

Uh, poo. Ugh.

And me, Mercury, the messenger.

Just tell us who wronged you and your preferred method of revenge,

and we'll handle the rest.

I'd had some money stolen and I suspected Ticene of Carisius.

So I asked Roman Gods Direct

to make her intestines, navel and thighs waste away.

I've no idea if it worked because she moved away.

But I'm very happy with the service I received from Roman Gods Direct.

And at just one sacrifice a year, their rates are very reasonable.

So if you'd like us to take on your claim

on a no-revenge, no-sacrifice basis,

simply send your inscribed stone tablet to

Roman Gods Direct, Freepost, Heaven.

Or drop it into the sacred waters at one of our regional offices

in Bath, Hamble or Uley.

Gods Direct, no whinge is too petty.

We know about how the Romans asked their gods to help them get revenge

because lots of stone tablets with messages carved in them

have been found at the Roman baths, in Bath.

I wonder if it actually works. Hmm.

"Dear Cloacina, goddess of the sewers,

"will you find out who pooped on my head and poop on theirs back?

"Yours, the Rat...

"..kiss, kiss."

The answer is...

They all real Roman gods.

The Romans had a god for everything

and took them all very seriously.

Battle is upon us.

I have come to appease the gods before we face the enemy.

Mars awaits you, General.

Hail Mars, god of war.

On this great day of battle, may we fight with honour in your name.

-Good. To war.

-Hold on, General.

You must also pay homage to Mithras, God and Patron of Soldiers.

Of course. My mistake.

Hail Mithras.

On this great day of battle, may we fight with honour in your name.

-Great, thank you.

-And Hippona, Goddess and Protector of Horses.

-Horses?!

-Got a cavalry, haven't you?

Hail Hippona. On this great day of battle, please look after the horses.

Good, thank you.

And Cloacina, goddess of the sewers.

Why would I pray to the goddess of the sewers?

Soldiers get very nervous before a battle, General.

If 15,000 men decide to go the toilet at the same time,

I'm not clearing it up.

Hail Cloacina.

On this great of battle make the bogs work properly. Thank you.

And Felicitas, goddess of good luck.

Can we skip that one? The battle's started!

You want the other side to have all the good luck?

Hail Felicitas, goddess of good luck.

Please be on our side. Now I really must...

-Ops, god of plenty.

-Oh, come on.

-You want to run out of arrows?

Hail Ops, yadda, yadda, be on our side. Done.

Janus, god of good beginnings,

you want to get a good start to the battle.

It's a bit late, the battle's probably finished!

-Can we wrap this up please?

-Faunus, god of sheep.

-I am in a hurry.

-Fine, fine.

But if a flock of sheep sweep across the battlefield,

tripping your men up, you're to blame.

How many more are there?

Um, well there's Diana, goddess of the hunt,

Strenua, god of endurance and Fides, god of loyalty.

OK, well, hail them all. OK? Hail them all.

SCREAMING, SLASHING

-I don't...

-What was that?

-..understand.

Where did I go wrong?

Oh, blast!

I forgot the god of victory.

That...was a bit...stupid.

A lot of English words come straight from the Viking language.

Like this lot.

What, really? Welcome?

Don't think we're giving out mixed messages?

Mmm.

And here's another surprising Viking fact.

The answer is...

B, London Bridge is falling down.

It's about a Viking attack on London. And here's one more thing

you probably didn't know about the Vikings.

Contrary to popular opinion,

Viking warriors didn't actually have cow horns on their helmets.

That's right.

In fact, they had moose antlers.

-No, we didn't.

-No. No, silly me.

They had bunny ears.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Big pink bows, then?

-Of course not.

-Cow udders?

By Odin's thunder!

-Well, what did you have then?

-Nothing.

-We had nothing on our helmets.

-Well, isn't that a bit boring?

We're fighting battles, not having a fashion parade.

What would be the use of having great big cow udders on your head

in a war with the Saxons?

Argh!

Actually that is rather effective.

That's right, Vikings didn't actually go to battle with

horns on their helmets. It's a shame really, cos it's a smashing look.

The idea was in fact made up in Victorian times.

To be honest, lots of historical facts turn out just not to be true,

so watch what your teachers tell ya, mmm?

So Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table

set off in search of The Holy Grail.

On the way they encountered numerous...

-I've heard enough, teacher.

-What's going on?!

I'm arresting you for disseminating falsehoods to young children.

-You mean...

-Lying. Telling fibs.

You see...

You children think I said what?

They think you said, "We are not amused," your Highness.

Really? That's quite funny, isn't it?

People from the different bits of Ancient Greece

were very different from each other.

The Greeks from Athens and Sparta really were like chalk and cheese.

This is the Athenian family of Athens.

Hi. I'm a playwright.

And they're doing a wife swap with the Spartan family of Sparta.

I'm a warrior.

So how will these two very different Greek cultures get on?

Ooh.

Help me with my bags, Spartan slave,

and then go and tell the master of the house

that Mrs Athenian has arrived.

I am the master of the house.

Oh, I'm sorry. And, um, and where's your dear son?

-I believe like us you have a seven-year-old boy.

-I do.

He's out naked in the hills, fighting with other children.

Oh. And when will he be back?

When he's 15.

Things aren't going much better in the Athenian household.

Oh, welcome, welcome, Mrs Spartan to our home.

I'm Mr Athenian. This is my son.

Why is he so puny and sickly?

Why was he not taken up a mountain to die at birth?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

What's that water coming from his eyes, eh?

She joking. She's joking.

And Spartans have a very different idea of a woman's role.

Right, time to get something for supper.

Great, what are you hunting?

What are YOU hunting?

Go get us a rabbit.

But I'm just a delicate Athenian woman.

I'm only allowed out of the house to visit other women or go to funerals.

You are going to a funeral...

The rabbit's.

These Spartans are unbelievable.

At school, Spartan girls learn how to wrestle and throw javelins.

Imagine that? A girl going to school!

They should be at home, learning how to sew.

So, Mr Athenian, are there any parts in your plays for a strong woman?

Oh, yes, yes.

Right, then I should play it.

Oh, no.

You're a woman. All female parts are played by men.

Oh, right, well, I'll come and watch it then.

Oh, don't be silly, you're not allowed, you're a woman. Ha-ha-ha!

Argh.

What a wimp this Athenian is, eh?

I mean, what kind of a job is writing plays, eh? In Sparta,

if you want a good night out you just go and slaughter a wolf, simple as.

It's time for the Spartans and the Athenians

to settle their differences.

Look what you did to my wife.

It's not my fault she fainted.

She should be tough, like my woman.

She's no woman.

I'm no slave, like Athenian women.

You uncivilised Spartan brutes!

You la-di-dah Athenian sissies!

Right, that's about as much as I can take. OK? All right.

Now, there's only one thing for it.

Agreed.

A fight to the death.

No, no, I was actually thinking of a vote,

to see whose way of life is best.

OK.

I vote Spartan.

I vote Spartan.

I vote Athenian.

I don't get a vote, I'm only a woman.

I make that 2-1...to Sparta!

-Run, Jean!

-Argh!

-Raaarghh!

Next time on Historical Wife Swap, it's 1660, and Mrs Merry

tries her first Puritan meal...

While Mr Merry throws a party for Mrs Miserable.

-So what do you Puritans do for fun then?

-Fun is sinful.

This is HHTV News, bringing you live news direct from the past.

Our main story from the Stuart era.

The Plague epidemic seems to be spreading rapidly.

Let's go over to our correspondent Mike Peabody,

who's in the thick of it. Mike.

Thanks, Sam. I've come to 1665, where literally thousands are dying

from the Great Plague.

I caught up with this gravedigger,

to find out how the Plague was affecting his work.

Well, I, I haven't been so busy for years.

I've buried 30 people this morning!

They're dropping like flies at the moment.

And I suppose the real worrying thing

is that the Plague can strike so very quickly.

Oh, is he...? He's dead.

Bishops think they've tracked down the root cause of the Plague.

It's naughtiness and rude things.

The Great Plague is a punishment on people

who are very naughty and extremely rude.

As a result, only the wicked will die of the Plague.

It's certainly a very interesting theory, but can you back it up?

He's dead.

Doctors are doing their best to combat this deadly disease,

using the very latest in modern medicine.

Everybody knows the best way to beat the Plague

is a bag of lavender.

You simply twirl it around, like this, and jump over it...

like so.

And is that effective?

Oh, yes, very effective. I mean, take me, I'm as fit as a...

HE WHEEZES AND COUGHS

Sorry, I just, uh, coughed and fell over then.

I haven't got the Plague.

There is a new group on the fringes of modern English medicine,

who think there may be another cause.

This group call themselves scientists.

The most important thing is not just to guess what's responsible,

we need to look closely at the evidence and analyse it logically,

and one way we do this is by using this brand new invention,

the microscope.

A microscope, ha-ha-ha!

What did you expect to find? Tiny little creatures?

Ha-ha. What an idiot.

Everybody knows the Plague comes from bad air,

and all you need is a bag of lavender.

Microscope! Ha-ha. Ooh...

Doctor, have you fallen over again or are you in fact dead? He's dead.

This is Mike Peabody reporting for HHTV News, in Plague-riddled 1665,

really wishing I was somewhere else.

Did you know, in 1665 there were

lots of theories as to how the Plague was being spread?

They blamed dogs, cats, pigs, pigeons and rabbits,

but the real cause - it was us rats!

Ha! So rats 1, humans 0. Ha.

Only in Ye Sun tomorrow,

everybody's talking about it, everybody's got it,

The Great Plague.

Read our health tips on how you can prevent the Plague.

Yes, you can avoid infection just by putting a gold coin in your mouth.

SHE COUGHS

Plus, "I woke up in a cart full of dead Plague victims!"

I drunk a few too many ales, fell asleep and when I woke up

they'd chucked me on the Plague cart.

Talk about red in the face, a bit purple in places an' all.

In fact, I think I mighta caught the Plague.

HE COUGHS

But we don't just cover the depressing stories, oh no!

We've got uplifting news too.

The French have got the Plague, hooray!

That's all in Ye Sun tomorrow.

Make Ye Sun the last thing you read before you die.

So, London was rife with the Plague in 1665.

At least 1666 must have been better.

Not!

The Great Fire almost burnt London to a cinder.

Hello. I'm Thomas Farriner,

a baker from 1666, and I've cooked a lot of things in my time.

But now I'm gonna show you the thing I'm most famous for.

Yes, today I'm gonna show you how to cook London.

First, you'll need a long hot summer, so everything's nice and dry

and easy to burn.

Next you'll need a row of wooden houses, like these ones,

from London's Pudding Lane, where my bakery is.

Do make sure you pack your houses in nice and tight,

so the flames can spread quickly.

Of course, this is just a model.

Real houses from a London slum are much, much smaller.

Now you've got all your ingredients to start your fire.

I did this by spilling some red hot embers on the floor of my bakery,

while I was distracted by a thieving little boy.

But to be honest,

any method of starting a fire will do.

Ooh. There she goes. Wonderful!

Now, I like my London nice and crispy,

so I'm just gonna let that burn for a while,

a few days should do it, while I welcome on our guest,

famous diary writer Samuel Pepys.

APPLAUSE

What have you got for us, Sam?

Some expensive Parmesan cheese and a collection of fine wines.

-And what do you suggest we do with them?

-Bury them.

Bury them in the garden, my boy, so that the fire doesn't get them.

Good tip. So there you go,

if your London's cooking, make sure

you bury all your treasured possessions.

Samuel Pe-e-epys, everyone.

Now, your London should be cooking away nicely by now,

the flames leaping from street to street,

almost as fast as a man can run.

And pretty soon you'll have a Great Fire of London.

Actually, I would think twice before cooking this particular dish.

When I did it caused a lot of damage,

and, well, I won't be setting fire

to any more buildings in my lifetime, put it that way.

Oh, my goodness...

Here we go again. Run!

Ooh, almost forgot to bury the cheese!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz, we showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel, stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery,

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd