Episode 9 Horrible Histories


Episode 9

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# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

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# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts and bold Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to Horrible Histories! #

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The streets in Tudor Britain were quite disgusting. Yuck.

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See what I mean?

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And now let's look ahead to what we can expect to see raining down

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on top of us in the streets of Tudor Britain over the next few days.

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Once again we're forecasting lots of poo and pee,

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here, here and here.

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Everywhere in fact, as this is Tudor Britain,

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where people go to the toilet in buckets,

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and throw it out of the window.

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And it's not just buckets.

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Sometimes people stick their bottoms out of the window and poo

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directly onto the street below.

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And if you're on the street below, directly onto you.

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So, we can expect sudden showers of wee, heavy poo downpours,

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and with this level of hygiene, some showers of vomit,

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with conditions becoming slippery

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and in some cases rather smelly. Ooh!

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So, a summary then.

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If you're living in Tudor times

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and walking in the streets,

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be sure to wear a big hat.

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Have a nice day. Ta-ta.

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Did you know that Queen Elizabeth I had one of

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the very first flushing toilets in Britain?

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Before that, she just squatted over a pit. Ha!

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How very regal! Huh.

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"One's done a number two."

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Ha-ha!

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Time again for our fairytale series,

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where the stories are retold in different historical settings.

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Today, Thumbelina, the Tudor version.

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And so Thumbelina found her way to London,

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where she hoped to meet a fairy prince.

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Unfortunately this was Tudor times, so the streets were all

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six inches deep in poo, which people had thrown out of their windows.

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And since Thumbelina was only six inches tall...

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..Thumbelina drowned in poo.

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The end.

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All good Victorian homes had fireplaces,

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and you won't believe what we used to keep our chimneys clean.

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Hi, I'm a shouty man

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and I'm here to tell you about new Victorian Child,

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the chimney cleaning revolution.

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New Victorian Child cleans even the most difficult of bends, don't you?

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And you can really see it working.

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The chimney flue on the left is clogged with dirt and soot,

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whereas the one on the right is completely soot free.

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It's been cleaned with new Victorian Child.

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There it is now.

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Help. I'm... I'm stuck.

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And just look at the results.

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Well, Victorian Child now has eye infection,

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skin irritation and breathing problems,

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but when your chimney's this clean, who cares?

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We'll even throw in this pack of pins,

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to make sure your child remains motivated.

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Argh!

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Up ya go, little fella.

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And what's more, new Victorian Child comes with a full guarantee.

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If it's injured, falls to its death, suffocates, is badly burned

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or gets too darn big, we'll just replace it

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with another poor child, free of charge.

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So go on, try new Victorian Child today.

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Shove a kid up your chimney and the dirt is gone.

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Use before 1864 because then it's abolished.

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Believe it or not, in Victorian times

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many poor children worked as chimney sweeps by the age of five.

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Well, you needed to be tiny to fit up there, didn't you?

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When you got too big, you were out of a job and out on the street.

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Well, that's if you managed to survive at all.

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It's horrible, but then that's because this is Horrible Histories.

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If you think being sent up a chimney is horrible,

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you should see the terrible punishments

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they handed out at our super-strict Victorian schools. Ooh.

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I think you'll find the conditions at our Victorian school

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to be quite exemplary, inspector.

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I'll be the judge of that, Headmaster,

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that's why we have these random school inspections.

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CHILDREN SOB

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Pray, explain what's going on here?

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Well, I was administering 30 lashes to this boy,

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and then I broke one of my canes,

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so I was giving him 30 more lashes for damaging school property.

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I see.

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And what did he do?

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He misspelled the word anti-disestablishmentarianism.

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And how long will he be in the stocks?

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-Three days.

-I see.

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And another three days for sobbing!

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And what was your crime, my child?

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Good, you're learning!

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-Explain?

-Ah, this boy is being put into the cage.

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It's one of my absolute favourite punishments.

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He will then be suspended from the rafters.

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-What for?

-Oh, nothing. He's my son,

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-and I don't want to be accused of favouritism.

-Thanks, Dad.

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-So, um, what do you think then, inspector?

-Gentlemen.

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-Keep up the good work.

-Marvellous.

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-Jenkins, you can sit back down now.

-Thank you, sir.

-What?!

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You can sit down?

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I obviously haven't beaten you enough, boy!

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HE SOBS

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We Romans had dozens of gods, which was really handy

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cos anytime you had a problem there was always a god who could fix it.

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Have you been injured at home or at work?

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Ow!

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Or perhaps had one of your shoes stolen?

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Maybe you've lost some small change

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and would like to randomly accuse someone of theft.

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Whatever the petty problem, Roman Gods Direct can help.

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-What's your name?

-Here at Gods Direct,

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we have specialist Roman gods on hand 24 hours a day

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to review your petty small-minded gripe.

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Gods like Neptune, god of the sea.

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-Minerva, goddess of wisdom.

-Hello?

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Cloacina, goddess of sewers.

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Uh, poo. Ugh.

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And me, Mercury, the messenger.

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Just tell us who wronged you and your preferred method of revenge,

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and we'll handle the rest.

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I'd had some money stolen and I suspected Ticene of Carisius.

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So I asked Roman Gods Direct

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to make her intestines, navel and thighs waste away.

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I've no idea if it worked because she moved away.

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But I'm very happy with the service I received from Roman Gods Direct.

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And at just one sacrifice a year, their rates are very reasonable.

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So if you'd like us to take on your claim

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on a no-revenge, no-sacrifice basis,

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simply send your inscribed stone tablet to

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Roman Gods Direct, Freepost, Heaven.

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Or drop it into the sacred waters at one of our regional offices

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in Bath, Hamble or Uley.

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Gods Direct, no whinge is too petty.

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We know about how the Romans asked their gods to help them get revenge

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because lots of stone tablets with messages carved in them

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have been found at the Roman baths, in Bath.

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I wonder if it actually works. Hmm.

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"Dear Cloacina, goddess of the sewers,

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"will you find out who pooped on my head and poop on theirs back?

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"Yours, the Rat...

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"..kiss, kiss."

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The answer is...

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They all real Roman gods.

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The Romans had a god for everything

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and took them all very seriously.

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Battle is upon us.

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I have come to appease the gods before we face the enemy.

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Mars awaits you, General.

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Hail Mars, god of war.

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On this great day of battle, may we fight with honour in your name.

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-Good. To war.

-Hold on, General.

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You must also pay homage to Mithras, God and Patron of Soldiers.

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Of course. My mistake.

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Hail Mithras.

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On this great day of battle, may we fight with honour in your name.

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-Great, thank you.

-And Hippona, Goddess and Protector of Horses.

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-Horses?!

-Got a cavalry, haven't you?

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Hail Hippona. On this great day of battle, please look after the horses.

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Good, thank you.

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And Cloacina, goddess of the sewers.

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Why would I pray to the goddess of the sewers?

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Soldiers get very nervous before a battle, General.

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If 15,000 men decide to go the toilet at the same time,

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I'm not clearing it up.

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Hail Cloacina.

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On this great of battle make the bogs work properly. Thank you.

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And Felicitas, goddess of good luck.

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Can we skip that one? The battle's started!

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You want the other side to have all the good luck?

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Hail Felicitas, goddess of good luck.

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Please be on our side. Now I really must...

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-Ops, god of plenty.

-Oh, come on.

-You want to run out of arrows?

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Hail Ops, yadda, yadda, be on our side. Done.

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Janus, god of good beginnings,

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you want to get a good start to the battle.

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It's a bit late, the battle's probably finished!

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-Can we wrap this up please?

-Faunus, god of sheep.

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-I am in a hurry.

-Fine, fine.

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But if a flock of sheep sweep across the battlefield,

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tripping your men up, you're to blame.

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How many more are there?

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Um, well there's Diana, goddess of the hunt,

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Strenua, god of endurance and Fides, god of loyalty.

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OK, well, hail them all. OK? Hail them all.

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SCREAMING, SLASHING

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-I don't...

-What was that?

-..understand.

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Where did I go wrong?

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Oh, blast!

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I forgot the god of victory.

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That...was a bit...stupid.

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A lot of English words come straight from the Viking language.

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Like this lot.

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What, really? Welcome?

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Don't think we're giving out mixed messages?

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Mmm.

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And here's another surprising Viking fact.

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The answer is...

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B, London Bridge is falling down.

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It's about a Viking attack on London. And here's one more thing

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you probably didn't know about the Vikings.

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Contrary to popular opinion,

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Viking warriors didn't actually have cow horns on their helmets.

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That's right.

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In fact, they had moose antlers.

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-No, we didn't.

-No. No, silly me.

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They had bunny ears.

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-Don't be ridiculous.

-Big pink bows, then?

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-Of course not.

-Cow udders?

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By Odin's thunder!

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-Well, what did you have then?

-Nothing.

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-We had nothing on our helmets.

-Well, isn't that a bit boring?

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We're fighting battles, not having a fashion parade.

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What would be the use of having great big cow udders on your head

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in a war with the Saxons?

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Argh!

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Actually that is rather effective.

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That's right, Vikings didn't actually go to battle with

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horns on their helmets. It's a shame really, cos it's a smashing look.

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The idea was in fact made up in Victorian times.

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To be honest, lots of historical facts turn out just not to be true,

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so watch what your teachers tell ya, mmm?

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So Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table

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set off in search of The Holy Grail.

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On the way they encountered numerous...

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-I've heard enough, teacher.

-What's going on?!

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I'm arresting you for disseminating falsehoods to young children.

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-You mean...

-Lying. Telling fibs.

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You see...

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You children think I said what?

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They think you said, "We are not amused," your Highness.

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Really? That's quite funny, isn't it?

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People from the different bits of Ancient Greece

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were very different from each other.

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The Greeks from Athens and Sparta really were like chalk and cheese.

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This is the Athenian family of Athens.

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Hi. I'm a playwright.

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And they're doing a wife swap with the Spartan family of Sparta.

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I'm a warrior.

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So how will these two very different Greek cultures get on?

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Ooh.

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Help me with my bags, Spartan slave,

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and then go and tell the master of the house

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that Mrs Athenian has arrived.

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I am the master of the house.

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Oh, I'm sorry. And, um, and where's your dear son?

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-I believe like us you have a seven-year-old boy.

-I do.

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He's out naked in the hills, fighting with other children.

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Oh. And when will he be back?

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When he's 15.

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Things aren't going much better in the Athenian household.

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Oh, welcome, welcome, Mrs Spartan to our home.

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I'm Mr Athenian. This is my son.

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Why is he so puny and sickly?

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Why was he not taken up a mountain to die at birth?

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HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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What's that water coming from his eyes, eh?

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She joking. She's joking.

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And Spartans have a very different idea of a woman's role.

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Right, time to get something for supper.

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Great, what are you hunting?

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What are YOU hunting?

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Go get us a rabbit.

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But I'm just a delicate Athenian woman.

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I'm only allowed out of the house to visit other women or go to funerals.

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You are going to a funeral...

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The rabbit's.

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These Spartans are unbelievable.

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At school, Spartan girls learn how to wrestle and throw javelins.

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Imagine that? A girl going to school!

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They should be at home, learning how to sew.

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So, Mr Athenian, are there any parts in your plays for a strong woman?

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Oh, yes, yes.

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Right, then I should play it.

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Oh, no.

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You're a woman. All female parts are played by men.

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Oh, right, well, I'll come and watch it then.

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Oh, don't be silly, you're not allowed, you're a woman. Ha-ha-ha!

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Argh.

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What a wimp this Athenian is, eh?

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I mean, what kind of a job is writing plays, eh? In Sparta,

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if you want a good night out you just go and slaughter a wolf, simple as.

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It's time for the Spartans and the Athenians

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to settle their differences.

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Look what you did to my wife.

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It's not my fault she fainted.

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She should be tough, like my woman.

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She's no woman.

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I'm no slave, like Athenian women.

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You uncivilised Spartan brutes!

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You la-di-dah Athenian sissies!

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Right, that's about as much as I can take. OK? All right.

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Now, there's only one thing for it.

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Agreed.

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A fight to the death.

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No, no, I was actually thinking of a vote,

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to see whose way of life is best.

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OK.

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I vote Spartan.

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I vote Spartan.

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I vote Athenian.

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I don't get a vote, I'm only a woman.

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I make that 2-1...to Sparta!

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-Run, Jean!

-Argh!

-Raaarghh!

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Next time on Historical Wife Swap, it's 1660, and Mrs Merry

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tries her first Puritan meal...

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While Mr Merry throws a party for Mrs Miserable.

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-So what do you Puritans do for fun then?

-Fun is sinful.

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This is HHTV News, bringing you live news direct from the past.

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Our main story from the Stuart era.

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The Plague epidemic seems to be spreading rapidly.

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Let's go over to our correspondent Mike Peabody,

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who's in the thick of it. Mike.

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Thanks, Sam. I've come to 1665, where literally thousands are dying

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from the Great Plague.

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I caught up with this gravedigger,

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to find out how the Plague was affecting his work.

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Well, I, I haven't been so busy for years.

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I've buried 30 people this morning!

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They're dropping like flies at the moment.

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And I suppose the real worrying thing

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is that the Plague can strike so very quickly.

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Oh, is he...? He's dead.

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Bishops think they've tracked down the root cause of the Plague.

0:21:550:21:58

It's naughtiness and rude things.

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The Great Plague is a punishment on people

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who are very naughty and extremely rude.

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As a result, only the wicked will die of the Plague.

0:22:060:22:10

It's certainly a very interesting theory, but can you back it up?

0:22:100:22:15

He's dead.

0:22:180:22:20

Doctors are doing their best to combat this deadly disease,

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using the very latest in modern medicine.

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Everybody knows the best way to beat the Plague

0:22:300:22:34

is a bag of lavender.

0:22:340:22:35

You simply twirl it around, like this, and jump over it...

0:22:350:22:41

like so.

0:22:410:22:43

And is that effective?

0:22:430:22:44

Oh, yes, very effective. I mean, take me, I'm as fit as a...

0:22:440:22:48

HE WHEEZES AND COUGHS

0:22:480:22:50

Sorry, I just, uh, coughed and fell over then.

0:22:520:22:55

I haven't got the Plague.

0:22:550:22:58

There is a new group on the fringes of modern English medicine,

0:22:580:23:01

who think there may be another cause.

0:23:010:23:03

This group call themselves scientists.

0:23:030:23:06

The most important thing is not just to guess what's responsible,

0:23:060:23:09

we need to look closely at the evidence and analyse it logically,

0:23:090:23:13

and one way we do this is by using this brand new invention,

0:23:130:23:16

the microscope.

0:23:160:23:18

A microscope, ha-ha-ha!

0:23:180:23:20

What did you expect to find? Tiny little creatures?

0:23:200:23:24

Ha-ha. What an idiot.

0:23:240:23:26

Everybody knows the Plague comes from bad air,

0:23:260:23:29

and all you need is a bag of lavender.

0:23:290:23:32

Microscope! Ha-ha. Ooh...

0:23:320:23:35

Doctor, have you fallen over again or are you in fact dead? He's dead.

0:23:380:23:42

This is Mike Peabody reporting for HHTV News, in Plague-riddled 1665,

0:23:420:23:47

really wishing I was somewhere else.

0:23:470:23:50

Did you know, in 1665 there were

0:23:500:23:53

lots of theories as to how the Plague was being spread?

0:23:530:23:56

They blamed dogs, cats, pigs, pigeons and rabbits,

0:23:560:24:00

but the real cause - it was us rats!

0:24:000:24:04

Ha! So rats 1, humans 0. Ha.

0:24:040:24:07

Only in Ye Sun tomorrow,

0:24:070:24:09

everybody's talking about it, everybody's got it,

0:24:090:24:12

The Great Plague.

0:24:120:24:13

Read our health tips on how you can prevent the Plague.

0:24:130:24:16

Yes, you can avoid infection just by putting a gold coin in your mouth.

0:24:160:24:20

SHE COUGHS

0:24:220:24:25

Plus, "I woke up in a cart full of dead Plague victims!"

0:24:260:24:31

I drunk a few too many ales, fell asleep and when I woke up

0:24:310:24:35

they'd chucked me on the Plague cart.

0:24:350:24:37

Talk about red in the face, a bit purple in places an' all.

0:24:370:24:41

In fact, I think I mighta caught the Plague.

0:24:410:24:43

HE COUGHS

0:24:430:24:46

But we don't just cover the depressing stories, oh no!

0:24:460:24:50

We've got uplifting news too.

0:24:500:24:51

The French have got the Plague, hooray!

0:24:510:24:55

That's all in Ye Sun tomorrow.

0:24:550:24:57

Make Ye Sun the last thing you read before you die.

0:24:570:25:00

So, London was rife with the Plague in 1665.

0:25:020:25:05

At least 1666 must have been better.

0:25:050:25:08

Not!

0:25:080:25:09

The Great Fire almost burnt London to a cinder.

0:25:090:25:13

Hello. I'm Thomas Farriner,

0:25:160:25:19

a baker from 1666, and I've cooked a lot of things in my time.

0:25:190:25:23

But now I'm gonna show you the thing I'm most famous for.

0:25:230:25:27

Yes, today I'm gonna show you how to cook London.

0:25:270:25:31

First, you'll need a long hot summer, so everything's nice and dry

0:25:330:25:37

and easy to burn.

0:25:370:25:39

Next you'll need a row of wooden houses, like these ones,

0:25:390:25:43

from London's Pudding Lane, where my bakery is.

0:25:430:25:47

Do make sure you pack your houses in nice and tight,

0:25:470:25:50

so the flames can spread quickly.

0:25:500:25:52

Of course, this is just a model.

0:25:520:25:54

Real houses from a London slum are much, much smaller.

0:25:540:25:59

Now you've got all your ingredients to start your fire.

0:26:010:26:05

I did this by spilling some red hot embers on the floor of my bakery,

0:26:050:26:09

while I was distracted by a thieving little boy.

0:26:090:26:14

But to be honest,

0:26:140:26:15

any method of starting a fire will do.

0:26:150:26:17

Ooh. There she goes. Wonderful!

0:26:170:26:21

Now, I like my London nice and crispy,

0:26:210:26:24

so I'm just gonna let that burn for a while,

0:26:240:26:26

a few days should do it, while I welcome on our guest,

0:26:260:26:30

famous diary writer Samuel Pepys.

0:26:300:26:34

APPLAUSE

0:26:340:26:35

What have you got for us, Sam?

0:26:350:26:37

Some expensive Parmesan cheese and a collection of fine wines.

0:26:370:26:41

-And what do you suggest we do with them?

-Bury them.

0:26:410:26:45

Bury them in the garden, my boy, so that the fire doesn't get them.

0:26:450:26:49

Good tip. So there you go,

0:26:490:26:51

if your London's cooking, make sure

0:26:510:26:53

you bury all your treasured possessions.

0:26:530:26:56

Samuel Pe-e-epys, everyone.

0:26:560:26:59

Now, your London should be cooking away nicely by now,

0:26:590:27:02

the flames leaping from street to street,

0:27:020:27:06

almost as fast as a man can run.

0:27:060:27:08

And pretty soon you'll have a Great Fire of London.

0:27:080:27:13

Actually, I would think twice before cooking this particular dish.

0:27:130:27:17

When I did it caused a lot of damage,

0:27:170:27:20

and, well, I won't be setting fire

0:27:200:27:22

to any more buildings in my lifetime, put it that way.

0:27:220:27:25

Oh, my goodness...

0:27:250:27:26

Here we go again. Run!

0:27:260:27:30

Ooh, almost forgot to bury the cheese!

0:27:330:27:37

# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts

0:27:380:27:40

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz, we showed you all the juicy bits

0:27:400:27:44

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel, stuff they don't teach you at school

0:27:440:27:49

# The past is no longer a mystery,

0:27:490:27:51

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #

0:27:510:27:53

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