Episode 8 Horrible Histories


Episode 8

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# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

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# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars Ferocious fights

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# Dingy castles Daring knights!

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# Horrors that defy description

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# Cut-throat Celts Awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings Cruel crimes

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# Pirates come from ancient times,

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks Brainy sages

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# Mean and measly Middle Ages.

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# Gory stories, we do that!

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# And your host, a talking rat!

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories! #

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We Vikings were always invading Saxon Britain and killing people.

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In 1016, we even killed the Saxon King of England,

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Edmund II, and you're going to love how we did it.

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HE CHUCKLES

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# They're funny cos they're true

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# Hope next time it's not you! #

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-Mm, when you get...

-Oh, no, make way woman!

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I'm sorry can you check me in first, please?

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-You'll have to wait your turn. Take a seat.

-Now that's just it, I can't.

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My bottom hurts.

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Argh!

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OK, OK. Right. Name?

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-Edmund II.

-Year of death?

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-1016 AD.

-Profession?

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King. King of England.

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Mmm!

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Method of death?

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Well, I died on the toilet.

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Ooh, excellent. I love a good toilet death story. Go on.

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Well, I say toilet. Our Saxon toilets aren't very sophisticated,

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-little more than a pit in the ground.

-Nice.

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-Yeah, and unfortunately as I squatted over the toilet...

-The pit!

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Yeah. Well, it turns out there was a Viking hiding in it,

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and he stabbed me twice from beneath with a dagger.

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Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Right up the bum!

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Ha-ha-ha! Hilarious! Ha-ha-ha!

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Stop Press, Edmund II dies from dagger up the bottom! Ha-ha-ha!

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Oh, that is hilarious.

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You're dead funny! Ha-ha-ha!

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Oh, did you hear...? Ha-ha!

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Next!

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# Hope next time it's not you! #

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Are you a Viking?

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Want to steal some treasure?

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Fancy travelling to Britain and killing lots of Saxons?

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Then Valhalla Tours is for you.

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Yes, sailing tomorrow, a Valhalla Tour to the British Isles

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with a full and exciting schedule.

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Day One, join us as we sail across the North Sea

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in a genuine Viking Long Boat.

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Day Two, a chance to invade the country.

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For the morning we've arranged murder, pillaging and violence

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and in the afternoon, more murder, pillaging and violence.

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Day Three. Time to relax.

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A chance to clean the blood off your beard.

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Day Four. Travel back across the sea,

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counting all the slaves and riches you've stolen from England.

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Viking Valhalla Tours.

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Discover another world,

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and then set fire to it and kill the people that live there.

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Stone Age romance was a funny old business.

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Historians reckon all these rituals

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were real Stone Age ways to find love. Ahhh!

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# Doh, doh, doh, doh

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SHE SINGS

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# Doh, doh, doh, doh

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I think I must look really silly.

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What caveman in his right mind would go for

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a crawling, circling cave girl like?

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-Oh, are you the man for me?

-# Caveman love. #

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Grub's up.

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It's Ready, Steady, Feast and time for our Stone Age Special.

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So let's see what our guest has brought along.

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Please welcome, Nug!

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-APPLAUSE Nug!

-No, no.

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Right, let's see what exciting ingredients

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-you've brought along for us to cook.

-Nug!

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Oh, look at that, a lovely chunk of free range mammoth.

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-Mammoth!

-Great choice.

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And your second item? Oh, another chunk of mammoth.

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-And your...?

-Nug!

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More mammoth.

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-Fourth item?

-Mooo?

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Oh, that's more like it. Some lovely succulent early blueberries.

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-And finally?

-Nug!

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Oh, that's a shame. More mammoth.

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Well, I don't suppose you get many vegetarian Stone Age men.

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So how are we going to cook this?

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-No. No!

-Let's just eat it raw.

-Nug!

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-Oh, come on now Nug.

-Nug.

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Oh, berries everywhere.

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Me be back for you, woman.

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No, you won't be back for me, my husband owns the network.

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-APPLAUSE Me be back.

-No you won't.

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It's true, in the earliest part of the Stone Age, humans ate meat raw.

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That's until they discovered fire, about a million years ago.

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About when your Headmaster was born. Ha-ha-ha!

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# Doh, doh, doh, doh

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# Doh, doh, doh, doh

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# Doh, doh, doh, doh

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# Doh, doh, doh, doh

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Rome, an empire born through fear,

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fire, good plumbing and war.

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Julius Caesar, an invincible Roman General

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with the greatest Army and nose the world has ever seen.

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And the one man who could stand in his way.

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Vercingetorix,

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leader of the Gaulish hordes.

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So deadly he could wear pigtails and still look hard.

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THEY CHEER

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I will not have this impudent Gaul defy the might of Rome.

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We will crush him in his capital city of Avaricum.

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Well, you get the idea.

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Is mighty Caesar set for his first ever defeat?

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The Battle of Avaricum, coming soon.

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The ending might be a bit of a wash-out.

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It's true, 100% accu-rat.

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The Gauls gave up at the Battle of Avaricum, because it started raining.

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They thought that a rain storm was a bad sign from the Gods

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and that the sky was going to fall on their heads.

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Superstitious lot, the Gauls.

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Julius Caesar wasn't the only Roman General who liked to win.

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They all did.

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To make sure legions wouldn't panic and run away from a battle,

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there was a particularly nasty punishment if they did.

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Legions, General Pompey.

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Legions of Rome!

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You have fled in the face of the enemy.

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The worst crime an Army can commit.

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You shall be punished!

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Write out, "I shall not run away from Spartacus," 100 times.

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-No, that's not going to be enough this time.

-1,000 times.

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-No.

-One million times.

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Look, lines aren't enough.

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We need to do something that will ensure they never run away again.

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I suggest...

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Decimation.

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Stay behind after battle every day this week!

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That's detention.

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-What's decimation?

-It's where every tenth soldier

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is beaten to death by his fellow Legionnaires.

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Wow, that sounds pretty strict.

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Every tenth man in line shall be killed!

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On my order I want...

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What's going on?

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-Nobody wants to be tenth in line General Pompey.

-Right.

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We need to find a way of choosing fairly.

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I know. Listen up!

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We will draw lots.

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Each soldier will write his name on a piece of paper.

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The names, General Pompey.

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I shall now draw the name of the first person to be beaten to death.

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My Enormous Buttus.

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Where is my Enormous Buttus? GIGGLING

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It's behind you, General...

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I don't think that's a real name.

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Me Mamma Stinkus. GIGGLING

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Does no-one know Me Mamma Stinkus?

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Yes, we all know she does. That's another fake name

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and, to be honest General Pompey, I think they're all fake.

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Are you saying they haven't put a single real soldier's name in there?

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-Well, there is one real name...

-Excellent, read that out.

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Er, I don't think they wrote their own names down.

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Stop stalling, General. This has gone long enough already.

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Soldiers!

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The next name you hear will be the first Roman to be beaten to death.

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General Pompey!

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General Pompey there really did kill off one in ten of his troops

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for fleeing from the enemy.

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It was brutal, but it worked.

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They didn't run away from their next battle. The Romans won.

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In Saxon times, we did some really crazy things

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to keep our hair looking beautiful.

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PHONE RINGS

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Historical Hair dressers? Hairs and Graces?

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Now, Egeth, you're from Saxon times, aren't you?

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-Yeah.

-You've got lovely thick hair.

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-Thanks.

-But you know I have to say,

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most of the Saxon women I'm getting in these days

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-are wearing it a bit thinner.

-Oh, are they?

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Mm. I mean I think it'd suit yer - especially with your face shape.

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-Mm.

-And it'd just make it a bit more manageable.

-Is it easy to do?

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Oh, yeah, we've got the very thing. It's a traditional Saxon technique.

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-Shelley, get me the powdered swallow.

-Swallow?

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Oh, it's not natural swallow, that'd be ridiculous.

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No, it's powdered Swallow. So what we've done is we've taken a Swallow

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and we've burnt it into ashes.

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OK?

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I'll just put that on there, manipulate it into the roots a bit,

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and there you go.

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So can you, can you see any difference?

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Well, I mean your hairs covered in ashes now but, apart from that, no.

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Do you know, what I'm gonna do is recommend a Saxon treatment

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that actually stops the hair from growing.

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Mm, is that possible?

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-98% effective. Shelley, give me the ant's eggs.

-Ant's eggs?

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Oh, yeah, they work a treat, trust me. Thank you.

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Right, a few of these, OK, we'll just spread some of these around.

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OK, work them through.

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Lovely.

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So, er, has it worked?

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-Well, can you feel your hair growing?

-No.

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But I can feel it moving.

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That'll be the ants. Some of the eggs have hatched.

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SHE SCREAMS What is it? What is it?

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Shelley, comb!

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-What, what is it?

-You've got head lice.

-Oh!

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Now the only way to get rid of head lice, Egeth, is to use a specially

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designed Saxon comb like this one, and we'll just brush,

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brush, get all the lice out.

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There, perfect.

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So, do you really think it suits me?

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Oh, yeah. Do you want to look at the back?

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Shelley, mirror!

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-What do you think?

-Yeah, yeah.

-You wanted it thinner.

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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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-Thanks, Suzanne!

-Any time!

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Yes, Saxons made good use of all sorts of unlikely things, even poo.

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THEY ALL LAUGH

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Happy Christmas, everyone.

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-Happy Christmas.

-Christopher?

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-Ooh!

-Happy Christmas.

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Thank you. "To Christopher from Mildred and the guys. Thanks, guys."

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Hey! Ah, horse poo. Excellent!

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I can mix this up with some clay and mould some dinner plates.

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It'll be excellent, I need some new ones.

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Thank you so much. Thank you!

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Here's a little gift for you, Mildred.

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Oh, thank you, you shouldn't have!

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-Oh!

-Oh.

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Oh, it's pig poo! Oh, that's excellent.

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Thank you so much, John.

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I've been meaning to replaster the walls.

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This is the best thing for it!

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-Ah.

-Jed.

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Ah, thanks. Oh, look at that!

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Chicken poo!

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This is perfect for making leather clothes.

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I'll let it go stinky, then put all my cowskins in there

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and clean them before tanning.

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John? We're not going to leave you out.

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-What's this?

-Yeah.

-Oh, oh...

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Oh! Oh!

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It's perfume, it makes you smell nice.

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Oh, it stinks.

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It's all true, 100% accurate.

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Hah! Saxons used poo for everything.

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They even got paid in cow poo.

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Huh, I suppose it's better than a "pat" on the back! Ha-ha!

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"Pat" on the back! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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What?

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Oh, I've got a poo on my head?

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Oh, not again!

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This isn't just Stilton - this is Georgian Stilton.

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With maggots so thick you'll need a spoon to scoop them up.

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This isn't just bread. This is Georgian bread,

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mixed with chalk and bone ashes, to make it look healthy and white.

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And this isn't just milk.

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This is Georgian milk.

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Diluted with dirty water thrown from windows and mixed with spittle,

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snot, tobacco, trash, lice and baby sick,

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dropped from the rags of the nasty women that sell it.

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This is not just food.

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This is Georgian food.

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What? Maggot-y cheese is lovely!

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You should try it sometime.

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Mind you, our bad diet did give us Georgians terrible teeth.

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Oh, oh!

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You really didn't want tooth problems in Georgian times.

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They hadn't invented painkillers,

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so they used to just strap you to chair to stop you running off.

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And you thought your dentist was mean? Hmph!

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This won't hurt much, will it?

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This really is your first visit to a Georgian dentist, isn't it?

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Yes.

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Don't worry, we've got you strapped in.

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We'll get that rotten tooth out in no time.

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Sorry, can I just ask before you take it out?

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What exactly are you going to replace it with?

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Oh, something very Georgian.

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I'll model you a new one from this clay.

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Ah, a pottery tooth. Won't that just break?

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Yes, that can sometimes be a problem.

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I could make one out of this walrus tusk.

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-Walrus tusk?

-It is a tooth.

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Yeah, I suppose, but won't it stink of fish?

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We also make them from hippo.

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Yeah, I had my mind on something a little more human.

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Not a problem. Got just the thing.

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-Ah?

-Ah, that's more like it.

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An actual human tooth.

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Indeed. Pulled from the mouths of dead soldiers at Waterloo.

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Oh, oh, stop. I don't want a tooth from somebody that's dead.

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Mm, well I do have something I save for my best customers.

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And you're in luck. He's just got one tooth left.

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Ah!

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Do you know what? I'm cured. It's a marvel.

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My tooth doesn't hurt any more at all. Thank you.

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Funny, a lot of my clients do that. Hmph!

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How the first World War all started

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was really complicated, and I mean complicated.

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Read all about it. Britain on brink of war to end all wars.

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-We face a most difficult decision.

-Oh dear,

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-Sir.

-Yes, now, tea or coffee?

-You're right, that is difficult.

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-That's not the decision, you fool!

-Isn't it, sir?

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We face a more difficult decision than that.

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Gentlemen, we are facing a great war.

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-War?

-Yes, war.

-Why?

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Why war?

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Because an Austrian has been killed by a Serb in Bosnia,

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and that means war.

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Ah! I see.

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-Sir?

-Yes, Maltravers?

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Why does an Austrian being killed by a Serb in Bosnia mean war, sir?

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Huh, because of Russia!

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Ah! Why?

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Because Russia supports Serbia and Austria supports Bosnia, and so on.

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I support Arsenal!

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Shut up, Blenkinsop!

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So an Austrian has been killed by a Serbian in Bosnia, which means

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Austria might invade Serbia and then Russia will invade Austria?

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-Correct! Any questions?

-Yes, sir.

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What is it, Maltravers?

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How does this involve Britain, sir?

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Well, Maltravers. Who would you say is your best friend?

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Oh, Blenkinsop, sir. He's a spiffing fellow!

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Mm. And if I were to punch Blenkinsop in the nose,

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what do you think you would do?

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Well...

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Nobody punches Blenkinsop and gets away with it!

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Thanks, old bean!

0:21:190:21:20

Exactly, exactly. So, if Russia threatens Austria,

0:21:200:21:25

Austria's best friend will offer support.

0:21:250:21:27

And who is Austria's best friend?

0:21:270:21:30

-Not Blenkinsop?

-No, Germany!

0:21:300:21:32

Germany is Austria's best friend, Maltravers.

0:21:320:21:36

Austria and Germany, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

0:21:360:21:41

Yes!

0:21:410:21:43

So, if Russia were to attack Austria, Germany would attack Russia.

0:21:430:21:47

But that will leave Germany undefended on the other side.

0:21:470:21:51

So if Germany were to attack Russia, she would also have to attack France.

0:21:510:21:55

-France?

-Yes, France!

0:21:550:21:57

And if Germany were to attack France, it would leave Belgium threatened,

0:21:570:22:03

and Belgium is our friend.

0:22:030:22:05

So we would hop in there to defend them.

0:22:050:22:08

So we've all got to go and fight in a war because of that, sir?

0:22:080:22:12

-Yes, Maltravers.

-Well, I might get killed sir!

0:22:120:22:16

Yes, you might, Maltravers, but it would all be for a good cause.

0:22:160:22:20

So where is Bosnia again?

0:22:200:22:23

Oh!

0:22:230:22:25

It was war. And the race to develop the ultimate fighter plane was on.

0:22:250:22:31

Here's one of our jolly old World War One fighter pilots.

0:22:320:22:35

He's equipped with the very latest fighting equipment.

0:22:350:22:39

A good old brick.

0:22:390:22:40

That's right, just drop it on the German's head.

0:22:400:22:43

Unlucky, just missed him!

0:22:450:22:47

-But you did hit a dog.

-Ah.

0:22:470:22:49

Don't worry, it was a German Shepherd!

0:22:490:22:52

Ay-hey!

0:22:520:22:54

What's this? The boys at HQ have mounted a machine gun on the plane.

0:22:560:22:59

That's a capital idea.

0:22:590:23:02

Let's see what Gerry makes of this.

0:23:020:23:04

Mind the propeller!

0:23:040:23:06

Oh, dear.

0:23:060:23:08

Golly! Looks like those brainy boys at HQ have cracked it this time.

0:23:150:23:19

The gun is fitted with a timing device so the bullets fire through

0:23:190:23:23

the gaps in the turning propeller.

0:23:230:23:25

Hold on, what's this?

0:23:250:23:27

Gerry has captured one of our planes and copied the new design.

0:23:270:23:31

Ah, well. Toodle-pip, old boy!

0:23:360:23:38

HE SCREAMS

0:23:380:23:40

If they hit a man, they could split him in half

0:24:030:24:06

from head to foot.

0:24:060:24:07

In the Middle Ages us peasants got so fed up with how unfair life was,

0:24:140:24:20

that we had a peasants' revolt, led by a man called Wat Tyler.

0:24:200:24:27

Funny name that, Wat Tyler. Must have been really confusing.

0:24:270:24:31

But the thing is, the barons own all the land and us peasants

0:24:310:24:34

have to work it for them.

0:24:340:24:35

They lived la-di-da lives,

0:24:350:24:37

while we spend our days up to our necks in muck.

0:24:370:24:39

-It doesn't seem fair, does it?

-No! What can we do about it?

0:24:390:24:42

We're going to start a peasants' revolt.

0:24:420:24:45

-BOTH:

-Yes!

0:24:450:24:47

There's a man organising this uprising, name of Wat Tyler.

0:24:470:24:50

-What was his name?

-That's right.

0:24:500:24:51

-No, what is the name of our leader?

-Got it in one.

0:24:510:24:55

No, he means if we was to go up to our leader and say, "Hello,

0:24:550:24:58

"Mr Leader Man, what should we call you?" What would he say?

0:24:580:25:01

-He'd say Wat.

-That's what I want you to tell us. What's his name?

0:25:010:25:05

-Yes, it is.

-No. Argh!

0:25:050:25:07

Hold on, I think I've got it. What is the last name of our leader?

0:25:070:25:10

-No, no it's not.

-Right, and what is Mr No, no it's not's first name?

0:25:100:25:15

Our leader's last name is Tyler.

0:25:150:25:19

Thank you. At last.

0:25:190:25:21

And Mr Tyler's first name is Wat.

0:25:210:25:24

That's what I asked! I've had enough!

0:25:240:25:26

Just listen. His first name's Wat, his last name's Tyler,

0:25:260:25:30

that's why we call him Wat Tyler. Get it?

0:25:300:25:33

Oh, I see!

0:25:330:25:34

Well, Wat's a silly name, isn't it, Who?

0:25:360:25:39

You're not wrong, When.

0:25:390:25:41

Let's go and tell Why and Wherefore.

0:25:410:25:43

-Oh, whatever.

-Yeah >

0:25:430:25:46

So, the peasants marched to London

0:25:460:25:48

and it was all going really, really, well until Wat Tyler had a meeting

0:25:480:25:54

with the King and his guards,

0:25:540:25:57

and ended up with his head on a spike.

0:25:570:26:00

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha!

0:26:000:26:01

When we peasants revolted,

0:26:010:26:04

knights weren't really allowed to fight us.

0:26:040:26:07

It was against their code of chivalry,

0:26:070:26:09

a strict set of rules for knights.

0:26:090:26:12

Knights, ready? Ah!

0:26:160:26:19

Peasants, ready?

0:26:190:26:21

THEY GROWL

0:26:210:26:22

Charge!

0:26:220:26:24

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

0:26:240:26:26

-Ain't you all knights?

-Well, of course we are.

0:26:260:26:29

The King has despatched us to crush your smelly peasants' revolt.

0:26:290:26:33

But you can't just go around killing peasants.

0:26:330:26:36

That's against the, er, knights' code of chivalry.

0:26:360:26:39

Oh! Is it?

0:26:390:26:41

Er, oh, the peasant speaks the truth.

0:26:410:26:44

Noble knights may not go around fighting dirty peasants.

0:26:440:26:49

-It is beneath us.

-Oh, drat! Well, what about this one?

0:26:490:26:52

-I mean, he doesn't look like a peasant.

-No, you're right.

0:26:520:26:55

-Let's kill him then!

-He's a priest!

-Ah, er, yes.

0:26:550:26:59

We definitely cannot kill priests.

0:26:590:27:01

-The code of chivalry is very clear on that point.

-Fine.

0:27:010:27:04

Well, can I just kill this one?

0:27:040:27:07

I think that's a woman.

0:27:070:27:09

-Really?

-We are sworn to defend all women.

0:27:090:27:12

What, even ugly ones that don't wash?

0:27:120:27:15

Even the ugly ones that don't wash.

0:27:150:27:17

Right, so knights simply cannot fight peasants?

0:27:170:27:20

-That's about the size of it, yes.

-Right. What if I were a peasant?

0:27:200:27:25

A-ha! Well, then you would be able to fight the ones who were peasants.

0:27:250:27:30

-Yeah!

-I like your thinking, Sir Percival.

0:27:300:27:34

From now on I'm known as Percy.

0:27:340:27:36

-Percy the peasant!

-That's brilliant.

0:27:360:27:39

I mean... THICK ACCENT: Brilliant!

0:27:390:27:41

Does the knights' code of chivalry let you do that?

0:27:410:27:43

Who cares?

0:27:430:27:46

Peasants, ready?

0:27:460:27:47

THEY ALL GROWL Charge!

0:27:470:27:49

THEY SCREAM

0:27:490:27:52

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

0:27:540:27:55

# We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:27:550:27:57

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz

0:27:570:27:58

# We showed you all the juicy bits!

0:27:580:27:59

# Gory, ghastly mean and cruel

0:27:590:28:02

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

0:28:020:28:05

# The past is no longer a mystery... #

0:28:050:28:07

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