Episode 5 Horrible Histories


Episode 5

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Being held prisoner in the Middle Ages could be pretty nasty.

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But that wasn't always the case.

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His Majesty John Balliol, the rightful King of Scotland.

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Hey, did you see that grouse?

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Here, give those to cook. Tell her to add them to tonight's banquet.

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You, play me a song. Something soothing.

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It's been a very busy day

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and who the devil are you?

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-I'm the legal expert you sent for, Sire.

-Ah, the lawyer.

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Excellent. Come on.

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Now, I am hoping that you can help me

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overturn a terrible miscarriage of justice.

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There is a very important man currently languishing

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in the most famous jail in England and I want you to get him out.

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Of course, your Majesty, and who is this man?

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It's me, you idiot!

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You wouldn't keep an animal like this. It's inhumane.

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Fruit, Sire?

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I don't like grapes. You see what I mean?

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So this isn't your castle, then?

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This is the Tower of London.

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I am the King of Scotland.

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Well, I was, until your stupid King Edward stole my throne

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and trapped me in here.

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I am a King reduced

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to the status of a bum.

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HE SNORTS

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Don't laugh at bum, Terry.

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It demeans us both.

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Well, Sire, if I'm completely honest.

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I've visited a few jails in my time

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and the conditions here are...

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..not the worst I've seen.

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It would seem you've just been out hunting.

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And your point is?

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Most prisons, they don't tend to let you out.

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In fact, as far as I can see,

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the only real punishment here is how much you must miss your family.

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Why would I? They're right next door.

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-All right, kids?

-Hello, Daddy!

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Well, in that case, if I may speak frankly,

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I've no idea what on earth you're complaining about.

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Of course you don't.

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Because you're not a Scotsman.

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You don't know what it's like to have your body here in London,

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when your heart and soul lives only in the Highlands

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and until I am returned to my homeland,

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I shall be a prisoner every day of my life.

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I could probably get you banished to France.

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Done! Actually that's better, cos the weather's nice.

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OK, everyone. We're moving to France.

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ALL: Yeah!

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Not you. Come on, everyone. Join on.

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Vive la France, hey! Vive la France, hey! Vive la France...

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That's 100% accu-rat.

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John Balliol, King of Scotland was released from the infamous

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Tower of London in 1299 and allowed to go to France.

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But not everyone found it quite so easy to escape the Tower.

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# They're funny cos they're true

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# Wooh! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# Hope next time it's not you. Hee-hee! #

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Yes, they've been a bit boring today.

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Sometimes I worry we'll never find another really, really stupid death.

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Next!

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Woah! Hold the phones. We've found a doozy. Name?

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-Griffith Ap Llewelyn.

-Let's hear your story.

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I can't wait. Come on, come on.

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So, I was a prisoner locked high up in the famous Tower of London.

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But I wasn't going to hang about.

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-I had a brilliant plan for escaping, see.

-Go on, go on.

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So I made a rope out of bed sheets

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and lowered it out of the window to escape from the Tower.

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Ye-es?

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Down and down I went until...

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-Please be good! Please be good!

-I ran out of bed sheet!

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HE LAUGHS

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I made it 10 metres too short!

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I fell, landed on my head and died.

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Aha-ha-ha-ha!

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-That's why I've gone like that.

-And that's why you're "Uurgh!" Oh, hey.

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Er, what do you call the Welshman who tries to escape

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with a rope that's 10 metres too short?

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-Dai the Stupid Death.

-THEY LAUGH

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Spelled D-A-I. Cos it's a Welsh name.

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-Yeah, it's like the Welsh name, Dai.

-Do you get it?

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-Well, me and him get it.

-That's right.

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Very good. Congratulations. You're through to the afterlife.

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-See you later.

-Oh! Er, mind how you go.

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There's a bit of a drop on the other side.

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HE LAUGHS

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-I'd land on my bottom and my head would pop back out.

-It might do!

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-Off you go, now.

-OK, See you later.

-Don't milk it.

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I like him a lot. Best we've had today. I mean it.

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I won't hear anything else.

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Shh! Next!

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou. #

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Good morning, Mrs Grimshaw.

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-And how are we feeling today?

-Oh, my throat is killing me.

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-Don't you worry. The doctor will be here soon.

-Yeah.

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-It's amazing what they can do with modern medicine, isn't it?

-Mm, yeah.

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But unfortunately, you won't be getting any.

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You're doctor's from Ancient Rome.

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Hail, patient. I'm Dr Galen.

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What appears to be the problem?

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This is Mrs Grimshaw.

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She was admitted late last night with inflammation of the throat.

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Oh, yes. She appears to have a rash.

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Possibly a reaction to a bite.

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-Nurse, bring me a spider immediately.

-What for?

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The best cure for a spider bite

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is to crush the body of the spider in the bite.

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I don't think it's a spider bite.

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A snake? Then we should pour wine up her nostrils

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and smear the bite in pig poo.

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No, I don't think it's a bite at all.

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She says the pain is inside her throat.

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Yeah, yeah. It's red raw. I could barely breathe last night.

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I thought I was having some sort of seizure.

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Hail, Seizure. Well, that could be epilepsy but don't you worry.

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A nice glass of gladiator's blood and you'll be right as rain.

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Mm, nutty.

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-You said it, love.

-Doctor, here's a crazy idea.

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Why don't you come round here and have a look down her throat?

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Mm. Couldn't hurt, I suppose.

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All right. Open wide.

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Oh. Looks like tonsillitis.

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Er, nurse, fetch the surgeon.

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Don't worry, Mrs G.

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-We'll have those nasty tonsils out in no time.

-Finally!

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-Someone who knows what they're doing.

-I wouldn't be so sure.

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-Hail, Claudius.

-Hail, Geoff.

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So, whipping out the old tonsils, are we?

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Oh, is that going to be painful?

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Yes! Yes, it is. But don't worry.

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Us Roman surgeons are specially trained

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to completely block out the sound of screaming.

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THEY LAUGH

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Now, then.

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-Waaaah!

-Did anyone hear something?

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Waaah!

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Couldn't hear a thing. Couldn't hear a thing.

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It's true. Roman army surgeons

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really were trained to ignore shouting and screaming.

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As are us rats, when we're spotted in the kitchen.

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They were actually very good at healing wounds

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and thanks to them, lots of soldiers

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survived some pretty terrible injuries.

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But not all Roman medicine was as sensible. No, no.

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Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about

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new Criminal's Head.

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It's the Roman medical sensation.

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You won't believe all the things new Criminal's Head can cure.

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Do you suffer from gum disease?

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-Uurgh!

-I'm no scientist,

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but I'll take that as a yes.

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Simply pluck a tooth from new Criminal's Head

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and scrape it against your diseased gums.

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It'll get rid of those nasty painful sores

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and make them up to a bit percent better.

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-I don't think it worked.

-It did.

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And there's more. Have you been bitten by a dog?

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-Grrr!

-I'm no scientist,

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but I'll take that as a yes.

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Then simply swallow one of these pills,

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made from the skull of new Criminal's Head

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and your dog bite will be cured in no time.

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Is there nothing you can't do? And that's not all.

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New Criminal's Head will cure all known diseases, or no money back.

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Are you sick?

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I'm no scientist,

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but that looks contagious. Is it contagious?

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Then simply take a hair from new Criminal's Head

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and you won't believe... Oh, dear. Never mind.

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And for this month only, buy new Criminal's Head

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and get Hanky Dipped in Blood absolutely free.

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That's right. New Hanky Dipped In Blood,

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dipped in the blood of new Criminal's Head.

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Guaranteed to bring you good luuuuuu...

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Or no money back.

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The answer is

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all three.

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In fact, before the French Revolution of 1789,

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the lives of the rich and poor couldn't have been more different.

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This week, we're in France for a special royal edition

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of Historical Wife Swap.

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The King of France, Louis XVI and his wife, Marie Antoinette

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will be doing a Wife Swap with...

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Mr and Mrs French Peasant.

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But how will these two extremes of the French class system get on?

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Welcome to my humble abode, Mrs Peasant.

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Oh, your trousers. They appear to be around your ankles.

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I know! I do it all the time to make my friends laugh.

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A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Because I am your loveable, eccentric King Louis XVI.

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Ah, we are going to have so much fun!

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Benoit, you show Mrs Peasant to her room. Oh!

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If you don't like it, you can pick another one.

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We have 700 rooms here. Hah?

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Meanwhile, over at the Peasant cottage...

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Which way is my room?

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-This is your room. And my room. It is

-THE

-room.

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Ha-ha-ha! Oh, very funny!

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My husband also likes to drop his trousers.

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I've lost so much weight zat they keep falling down.

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Us French peasants are starving to death.

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Well, anyway. It's very funny when Louis does it.

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So, are things going any better at the royal palace?

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-Tell me, Mrs P, would you like some cake?

-Oh, yes, please.

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Benoit? Bring some cake, please.

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Ah! SPLAT!

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Oh, I am a loveable eccentric, non?

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Am I not, Benoit?

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Oui. Tres amusant(!)

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Oh, do you mind? Only I haven't eaten for weeks.

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-Be my guest.

-Mm.

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Ze King just asked me if I wanted to have a bath in crushed strawberries.

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These royals, they are so out of touch!

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We peasants are starving and they are having baths full of strawberries?!

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Obviously, I will scoff the lot. I am a starving peasant.

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Mm!

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It's supper time at the peasant cottage.

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You don't expect me to eat grass! Do you think I look like a cow?

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Serious question?

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But surely you peasants don't really eat grass?

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Last year, there was a terrible harvest

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and now the price of wheat is so high, we can't afford bread.

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So yes, some of us have resorted to eating grass.

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I must say that this whole experience

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has been a real eye-opener for me.

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I mean, the poverty, the hardships,

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I have learnt so much.

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Like never hang out with peasants. Yuck!

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The Wife Swap is at an end,

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and it's time for the royals and peasants

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to settle their differences.

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Oh! Look at that. Your trousers are round your ankles.

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This country does not need a loveable eccentric for a king.

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France is penniless and yet you royals,

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you're spending money like it grows on trees.

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Which is silly, because it...doesn't?

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How can you bear to see your country in such a state?

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Er, excuse me.

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I'm from Austria. This isn't actually my country.

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It's true!

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I don't think you are helping.

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-Let's start a revolution.

-Oui.

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BOTH: Down with the royals! Vive la revolution!

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Don't worry, darling. I know exactly how to deal with this.

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Tick. Tock.

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Boom, voila!

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A-ha-ha-ha! Look!

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I don't think it's working. Run.

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-Vive la revolution!

-Wait for me.

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And so began the French Revolution.

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Louis XIV and Marie Antoinette tried to escape the angry peasants

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in Paris by fleeing disguised as servants.

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They were arrested after a merchant recognised the King

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from his face on a coin.

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Heads you lose, eh?

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Which, as it happens, is exactly what happened to Louis. Ha-ha-ha!

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What?

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Oh, he got his head chopped off. It's a joke! Tut, suit yourself.

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The British Army had help from all kinds of countries

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in the First World War, so you could've been in for a surprise

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when you arrived in the British trenches.

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Private Tommy Jones reporting for duty, sir.

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Proud to be part of the British Army, sir.

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Pardon, monsieur. Er, nous somme le Bataillon Canadien.

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Er, am I in the French Army trench?

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Non, monsieur. We are Canadian soldiers.

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Part of the British Forces here to fight le Germans.

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-Oh. Where can I find the British Regiment?

-That way, my chum.

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OK, Thank you. Bit weird, but cheers.

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Private Tommy Jones reporting for duty, sir.

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Proud to be part of the British Army, sir.

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At ease, ya limey shark biscuit.

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If you're looking for the other pommy cobbers,

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you need to go up there and dip your lid to the bludger with the stripes.

0:14:270:14:30

-YELLS: Where are the British Forces?

-Just hang on a tick, mate.

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-We

-ARE

-part of the British Forces, ya cheeky larrikin!

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Your lot are up there.

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All right. Thank you.

0:14:420:14:44

Private Tommy Jones reporting for duty, sir. Er...

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I guess you're not looking for the South African Division, my friend?

0:14:510:14:55

No, I'm not. Do you know where the British part

0:14:550:14:58

of the British Forces are?

0:14:580:14:59

Oh, yeah. You want to head down here,

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do a left at the West Indians, then a right at the Ghurkhas

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head straight through the Indian division,

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and stop just before the New Zealanders.

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-All right? God save the King!

-Yeah, whatever.

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-Excuse me.

-Yeah.

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Is this the part of the British Forces with the actual British in?

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-That's right.

-Oh, thank goodness for that.

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I've spent the last hour looking for you lot.

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Half the British Forces are from other countries.

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-I couldn't understand a word they said.

-Don't worry. You're here now.

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collect your bunk, your fleabag and your daisies from the devil-dodger,

0:15:280:15:32

watch out for chats and Canutes,

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you should avoid getting chin-strapped

0:15:340:15:36

or sent to the rest camp with a meat ticket cause you're a landowner.

0:15:360:15:39

Know what? I think I might go back to that French lot.

0:15:410:15:44

Au revoir!

0:15:440:15:48

That's right.

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In World War I, soldiers from Canada, Australia, South Africa,

0:15:490:15:54

India and other countries fought for Britain in France.

0:15:540:15:58

Thousands of miles away from their homes and families.

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Alongside troops from England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland.

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Because your legs are beautiful,

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because your skin is beautiful,

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because you're worth it,

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wear ladies tights beneath your kilt.

0:16:130:16:17

-Hang on, that's a man!?

-That's right.

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Scottish soldiers always wear ladies tights in the trenches.

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For one, it keeps you nice and warm and for two,

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ye dinnae want bare legs if there's a gas attack.

0:16:260:16:29

Here's the expensive graphic-y bit.

0:16:290:16:32

In tests, ladies tights have been proven to stop up to 90%

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of the damage enemy gas attacks cause to naked legs.

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So now, whatever the Germans throw at you,

0:16:390:16:42

you can wear your kilt with confidence.

0:16:420:16:44

New ladies tights for men.

0:16:440:16:46

Because in the trenches, a man's best friend is his ladies tights.

0:16:460:16:51

Oof! Though they don't half ride up a bit. Oh!

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Our Tudor Queen Elizabeth I was a very difficult woman to impress.

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Happy Christmas, your Majesty.

0:17:050:17:07

A ring. Why thank you, Cecil.

0:17:100:17:12

Have this put with all the other presents I don't like and never use.

0:17:120:17:16

Yes, your Majesty.

0:17:160:17:17

Lord Robert Dudley.

0:17:170:17:19

Lord Dudley.

0:17:190:17:20

May your Yuletide merriments know no bounds, your Majesty.

0:17:210:17:26

Oh, a present.

0:17:260:17:28

-Whatever could it be?

-What does one get the Queen who has everything?

0:17:280:17:32

Why, something that nobody has.

0:17:320:17:36

How did this tiny clock get stuck in this bangle?

0:17:380:17:41

'Tis a wrist clock, your Majesty. The first of its kind.

0:17:410:17:45

Ah, with your permission.

0:17:450:17:48

Now, when there is no clock around, you can tell the time

0:17:530:17:56

with a simple look at your wrist.

0:17:560:17:58

Oh!

0:17:580:18:01

Why, this is far and away my favourite present ever.

0:18:010:18:04

-Isn't it marvellous, Cecil?

-Mm, yes, your Majesty.

0:18:040:18:07

Let us drink to this new invention.

0:18:070:18:10

-To the wrist clock.

-The wrist clock.

0:18:130:18:16

Mm! Oh, dear me.

0:18:160:18:19

There's no clock here in the throne room

0:18:190:18:21

and I need to know the time.

0:18:210:18:23

Ah, oh! Would you happen to know what time it is, your Majesty?

0:18:230:18:28

Oh! Why, it is...

0:18:290:18:32

Oh, dear, Lord Dudley,

0:18:340:18:37

there appears to be a serious design flaw with your wrist clock.

0:18:370:18:42

Indeed, your Majesty.

0:18:420:18:45

(Yes!)

0:18:460:18:47

Historians believe that Elizabeth's gift, a wristwatch,

0:18:490:18:53

was possibly the first of its kind in the world.

0:18:530:18:56

Though when ugly Elizabeth looked at it, the glass cracked! Ha-ha-ha!

0:18:560:19:00

Oh, what a horrible thing to say. Oh, I do apologise, your Majesty.

0:19:000:19:04

Yes, there were all sorts of new fashion accessories

0:19:040:19:06

on show in the Tudor era.

0:19:060:19:09

Oh, honestly. The state of these Tudor streets.

0:19:120:19:16

One can avoid the occasional poo,

0:19:160:19:18

but the whole street is just covered in it.

0:19:180:19:21

Ooh, my long dress is quite ruined.

0:19:210:19:25

Oh, Alice.

0:19:250:19:28

Is it my imagination or have you grown?

0:19:280:19:32

-Oh, that'll be my new platform shoes.

-Oh.

0:19:320:19:35

I got them in the local shoe shop. Look!

0:19:350:19:38

Now I can walk around in a poo-filled street

0:19:380:19:41

without getting my lovely dress all mucky.

0:19:410:19:45

Ah!

0:19:450:19:46

SPLAT!

0:19:460:19:47

You were saying?

0:19:500:19:51

THEY LAUGH

0:19:510:19:53

Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to another Historical Fashion Fix.

0:19:590:20:05

This week, a Tudor peasant will be swapping sack cloth

0:20:050:20:07

for silk in an amazing makeover. So let's meet our grubby commoner.

0:20:070:20:12

It's Pete.

0:20:120:20:13

-Are you ready, Pete?

-No.

0:20:130:20:15

Then let's get started!

0:20:150:20:16

Right. First thing's first, we need to do something

0:20:180:20:21

about that horrible hair. Am I right, Pete?

0:20:210:20:23

-Actually, I...

-Of course I am.

0:20:230:20:26

So to help us out, I've invited a personal friend

0:20:260:20:29

all the way from the 1500s,

0:20:290:20:31

it's Tudor barber, Bob the Barber.

0:20:310:20:33

-She's here.

-Mwah, mwah.

-Where did you get this?

0:20:330:20:36

-It's vintage.

-Lovely.

0:20:360:20:38

So, Bob. What are we going to do about Pete's horrible, horrible hair?

0:20:380:20:42

I'm just going to do what I do to all Tudors

0:20:420:20:44

who can afford a haircut. Cut it all the same length,

0:20:440:20:46

just above the shoulder. I call it the bob,

0:20:460:20:49

after myself!

0:20:490:20:50

Can't wait to see the results.

0:20:500:20:53

-There we are. All done.

-Thanks, Bob. You look fierce, Pete.

0:20:580:21:02

Apart from that hideous wart. I can't stop looking at it.

0:21:020:21:06

Luckily, we've got a surgeon who can get rid.

0:21:060:21:09

It's Tudor surgeon, Bob the Surgeon.

0:21:090:21:12

Bob?! I thought he was a barber.

0:21:120:21:14

No, all Tudor barbers were surgeons too.

0:21:140:21:16

Hair, limbs, It's all cutting, isn't it?

0:21:160:21:18

-What?!

-Can you hack off Pete's horrible wart?

0:21:180:21:21

I'll give it a go.

0:21:210:21:22

-I feel sick!

-Oh, I can sort that out too, love.

0:21:220:21:24

Bit of bloodletting. Do you the world of good.

0:21:240:21:27

Bloodletting?!

0:21:270:21:28

Not only does it cure many ailments,

0:21:280:21:31

but bloodletting is great for that pale complexion

0:21:310:21:33

that's all the rage in Tudor times.

0:21:330:21:37

We took our inspiration for Pete's new outfit from Henry VIII.

0:21:370:21:41

The king wore big, baggy clothes

0:21:410:21:43

to hide his big, bloated belly, so everyone else started doing the same.

0:21:430:21:48

Let's see if all that hard work has paid off. Here's Pete.

0:21:480:21:52

Every inch the Tudor lord.

0:21:520:21:56

-How do you feel Pete?

-Can I have my mucky clothes back?

0:21:560:21:59

You can't. We burned them.

0:21:590:22:00

That's all we've got time for this week on Fashion Fix.

0:22:000:22:04

Join us next time when we'll be perking up another pongy peasant.

0:22:040:22:07

-See ya.

-Can someone wipe some muck on me, please?

0:22:070:22:09

Can you show some gratitude, please?

0:22:090:22:12

-Here, mate! Have you got any mud on you?

-Disgusting.

0:22:120:22:15

I hate him. I actually hate him.

0:22:150:22:17

Hello and welcome to The News At When.

0:22:270:22:30

When? Ancient Egyptian times, over 3,000 years ago,

0:22:300:22:33

when the ruler of Egypt

0:22:330:22:34

was a nine-year-old boy called Tutankhamen.

0:22:340:22:38

He had a very strange family.

0:22:380:22:40

For more details, here's Bob Hale with the pharaoh report.

0:22:400:22:43

Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 1341BC and we're over here

0:22:430:22:47

in Ancient Egypt, where a wickle baby has been born

0:22:470:22:49

and his name is Tutankhamen.

0:22:490:22:51

Now, he's also known as Tutankhamen, Tutankhamon, Tutenkarten,

0:22:510:22:55

Amen-tut-ankh, Steve and King Tut.

0:22:550:22:57

Though probably not Steve. And King Tut's dad was also a king.

0:22:570:23:00

A pharaoh called Akhenaten. At least, we think that's his dad.

0:23:000:23:03

It's hard to be sure. It was so long ago, no-one can remember.

0:23:030:23:06

Not even my nan and she's really old,

0:23:060:23:08

though she doesn't look it. Love you, Nan.

0:23:080:23:10

What we do know is that when King Tut was just 6 years old, Akhenaten died.

0:23:100:23:14

Yes, his daddy became a mummy, which is a very complex operation

0:23:140:23:18

and King Tut's big brother Smenkie becomes pharaoh

0:23:180:23:21

and then promptly dies. Then replaced by his sister, Neffie.

0:23:210:23:24

Who then promptly dies. Meaning that at just 9 years old,

0:23:240:23:27

-Tutankhamen becomes pharaoh, which I thing is

-pharaoh-nuff.

0:23:270:23:30

All right, no more jokes. Running a country is no job for a 9-year-old

0:23:300:23:34

because it's far too boring, so King Tut's uncle turns up.

0:23:340:23:37

-A chap called Ay and he says he will keep an

-Ay

-on things. Sorry, sorry.

0:23:370:23:41

Forgot. So Uncle Ay runs the country

0:23:410:23:43

so that King Tut can get on with doing all the fun stuff

0:23:430:23:45

that kids do, like play games, go to school and get married.

0:23:450:23:48

Yep, getting married. If you thought that was weird,

0:23:480:23:51

to keep his royal blood line pure, his new wife is his sister. Yeugh!

0:23:510:23:55

And she used to be his stepmum, so it's double-yeugh!

0:23:550:23:59

Anyway, King Tut grows up,

0:23:590:24:00

Uncle Ay hands over power to Mr and Mrs Tut

0:24:000:24:02

and they rule Egypt together as husband and wife-mum-sister.

0:24:020:24:06

And that's the end of that.

0:24:060:24:07

Or so we thought.

0:24:090:24:10

But history books say Uncle Ay didn't want to give up power,

0:24:100:24:13

so he killed King Tut by bashing him on the head, like that.

0:24:130:24:16

Yep. That'd do it. Except it didn't.

0:24:160:24:18

It turns out the history books were wrong and King Tut actually died

0:24:180:24:21

from an infected broken leg, leaving Mrs Tut with a broken heart

0:24:210:24:25

and the Crown of Egypt, which of course Uncle Ay wants for himself.

0:24:250:24:28

How does he plan to get it? Well, by marrying Mrs Tut,

0:24:280:24:31

even though she's his granddaughter, which is yeugh!

0:24:310:24:34

Times this much.

0:24:340:24:35

Ooh! But Mrs Tut has other ideas.

0:24:350:24:38

She decides to marry a foreign prince called Zannanza instead

0:24:380:24:41

because he's got such a cool name, but sadly Zannanza gets cold feet.

0:24:410:24:45

Cold everything, because he dies. Killed on his way to Egypt

0:24:450:24:48

by a very jealous Uncle Ay who then finally marries his granddaughter.

0:24:480:24:51

They live happily, ruling Egypt together

0:24:510:24:54

for ages and ages and that's the end of that.

0:24:540:24:56

What a life. Born in Dublin to a blind darts player, the first woman to swim across Ireland,

0:24:590:25:04

and would you believe it? She's 99 today. So, come on everyone.

0:25:040:25:07

# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

0:25:070:25:11

# Happy Birthday, Nanny Bob Happy birthday to you. #

0:25:110:25:14

And back over to Sam to blow out the candles. Sam.

0:25:140:25:17

Tutankhamen was one of Egypt's most famous pharaohs

0:25:220:25:26

but not quite as famous as this one.

0:25:260:25:29

# Rah rah, Cleopatra

0:25:290:25:31

# Famous beauty coming at ya

0:25:310:25:33

# Rah rah Patra-Cleo

0:25:330:25:35

# Guys all go gaga for me, oh

0:25:350:25:37

# I am a leader and a lady and a queen

0:25:370:25:40

# I'm Cleopatra, such a queen never been seen

0:25:400:25:44

# I am a pharaoh yet they're all meant to be guys

0:25:440:25:48

# But I don't care-o I just wear a beard disguise

0:25:480:25:52

# My mum and dad were pharaohs I thought I was too

0:25:520:25:55

# But both my older sisters thought that they should rule too

0:25:550:25:59

# Oh, dear, they both died I wonder who that will leave

0:25:590:26:03

# Little me, oh pharaoh Cleo OK, no time to grieve

0:26:030:26:07

# Think that's alarming you'd be right but it gets worse

0:26:070:26:12

# Married my half-brother and we ruled the Universe

0:26:120:26:16

# That bad romance led to an overcrowded throne

0:26:160:26:19

# But then died boo-hoo so now I'm all alone

0:26:190:26:22

# Wow wow wow wow wow

0:26:220:26:25

# All hail Lady Cleo

0:26:250:26:26

# Wow wow wow la la

0:26:260:26:29

# Coolest pharaoh by far

0:26:290:26:31

# Fashion took my list of vices

0:26:340:26:36

# Bathed in ass's milk and spices

0:26:360:26:38

# Then I dress liked goddess Isis

0:26:380:26:40

# Long black hair in ringlets nicest

0:26:400:26:41

# Vipers too for men entices

0:26:410:26:43

# Finest linen robe, top prices

0:26:430:26:45

# Married another brother He's an OK geezer

0:26:500:26:53

# But never told of my love for Julius Caesar

0:26:530:26:57

# Had Caesar's child and hoped that he'd be crowned king

0:26:570:27:01

# My bro said no, I said oh and I murdered him

0:27:010:27:04

# Cos I am Cleopatra Egypt's royalty

0:27:040:27:08

# The ruling pharaoh Don't you dare all mess with me

0:27:080:27:12

# My poker face smiles only when I see

0:27:120:27:16

# A man who takes my fancy like Oh, Mark Anthony

0:27:160:27:20

# Wow wow wow wow wow

0:27:200:27:22

# Another Roman leader

0:27:220:27:24

# Wow wow wow la la

0:27:240:27:26

# No Egyptian crowd pleaser

0:27:260:27:27

# Rah rah Cleopatra

0:27:270:27:30

# Finally I'd met my match-a

0:27:300:27:31

# Rah rah Patra-Cleo

0:27:310:27:33

# Ends in death for him and me-o

0:27:330:27:35

# My life was a drama

0:27:350:27:37

# I was one kooky mama

0:27:370:27:39

# Wow wow wow, you know

0:27:390:27:42

# Today I'd be a favourite of the paparazzo. #

0:27:420:27:46

No pictures, no pictures.

0:27:460:27:49

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

0:27:490:27:50

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

0:27:500:27:52

Want some more Horrible Histories?

0:27:520:27:54

then come with me down the Time Sewers.

0:27:540:27:57

Just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

0:27:570:28:00

See you down there.

0:28:000:28:02

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:030:28:05

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:050:28:07

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