Episode 8 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights,

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians,

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, Punishments from ancient times,

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

The famous King, William the Conqueror

died after falling off his horse

and his son, William II, lost his life

under very suspicious circumstances.

-Ah!

-Good shot, Your Majesty.

I missed, you idiot.

Only because that cowardly deer refused to stay still.

Good point. Lord General, call that one a hit.

Of course. You're on form today, Your Majesty,

that's the third cowardly animal you've heroically almost hit.

-Well, what can I say? I'm a natural.

-Perhaps the rest of us

-would fare a little better if we split up.

-Yes, good idea.

Lord General, finest archer in England, you're with me.

The rest of you, do what you like. Come along, General.

Coming.

Oh!

-Did you hear that? It sounded like the King being shot.

-No.

The King being shot would be more of a...

"Argh! Argh! Eh!" sound.

-Argh! Argh! Eh!

-Like that.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

I know. I appear to have accidentally shot the King.

That's bad, isn't it?

Yes!

Gentleman, the King is dead.

This day, each of us must do our duty

and ensure that His Majesty's earthly remains are attended to

in a manner befitting his Royal statute.

-Right, I'm off.

-What?

Well, with the King dead and nobody on the throne,

there'll be looting and rebellion. I'm off to protect my land.

Actually, I'm going too.

Do not worry, Your Majesty.

Those selfish fools may have abandoned you,

but a true friend would never leave such a brave and noble...

Wait a sec. I've got land to protect too.

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Stanley?

Bring in the cart.

You won't believe what I've found.

That's right. King William II's body was left rotting in the woods

until it was found by a peasant, who dragged it back to London

on an old wooden cart.

When our Rat King died,

he was floated down the sewer in a shoebox.

Very moving occasion it was, too.

Anyhoo, King William II was succeeded by his brother, Henry I,

and his death could only be described as...

Well, stupid.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true

# Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths,

# Hope next time it's not you! Hee-hee!

Huh!

Hnngh!

Grrr!

Oh, I blinked!

There's just no beating him in a staring contest.

How does he do it? How do you...? Oh!

Next!

-And your name is?

-Henry I, King of England.

HE BREAKS WIND

-Oh, sorry.

-Well, Henry, you seem to have a little problem.

Anything you'd like to divulge?

Yes, I'll tell you my story but I'm going to have to be quick.

-Yes, please.

-I was visiting my grandchildren in Normandy

and I had a lovely meal of my favourite dish, lamprey.

-Lamprey?

-Yes, it's a kind of eel. Well nice.

Oh, yes. Yes, they are nice. That's... Carry on.

My doctor had advised me, "Don't eat so many lampreys.

"They're bad for you." But I just love them so much

and I scoffed and I scoffed and I scoffed.

Scoff, scoff, scoff.

And I had so many that I got a real pain in my gut.

Did the eels make you feel EEL? Ha-ha!

Do you get it? Eel. Ill, I'm saying ill. Eel...

Yes, I get it.

-You didn't laugh so I thought you...

-No.

..hear it. No? OK, carry on.

Well, my doctor advised me to take a laxative.

He said it would give me diarrhoea for a day but clear out my bowels.

-Oh, charming.

-Yes, and clear out my bowels, it certainly did.

I just kept on pooing and pooing and pooing.

-Yes?

-Until I died.

DEATH LAUGHS

Hey, you could say you were, DYING to go to the toilet!

Oh, I'd leave it five minutes. It smells like someone's died in there.

Oh, they have. You!

-Can I go now?

-I'll just confer with the judges.

Hm? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hm? Yeah. Oh, I completely agree.

No, no. I really need to go now.

Well, Henry, congratulations. You're through to the afterlife.

Thank you. Gangway!

PARP!

Poo-ey! You sure one of those wasn't you, hm?

You? Oh, how could you? Face of an angel.

Huh. Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou. #

Hello and welcome to the News at When.

When? 1789 and the peasants in France have grown tired

of being poor and hungry, while King Louis XVI

and his rich friends live in luxury.

The French Revolution is about to begin.

Let's go over live to Mike Peabody,

who is outside the Bastille fortress in Paris. Mike.

Thanks, Sam. You join me right outside the Bastille,

France's most infamous prison,

where a large mob of very angry Frenchmen has gathered.

-We are very angry.

-Yeah, I... I just said that.

Two negotiators are being sent inside to arrange

the release of the King's prisoners.

We're going to put ze governor on trial for treachery.

They're going to put the governor on trial for treachery.

-I know, I just said that.

-All right!

let's see if we can follow them inside.

They're in. Let's go.

Vive la Revolution!

What he said. Are you the governor of this prison?

Er, no.

That right there, is the Marquis Bernard De Launay,

-the governor of this prison.

-Thanks, mate, thank you(!)

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-No, thank you. Thanks very much(!)

Yes, I am ze governor of the prison.

We are here on behalf of all our revolutionary brothers

who starve in the streets, while you aristocrats live in luxury.

We demand the release of all prisoners and...

Are those, um, pain au chocolat?

Oui, would you like one?

I wouldn't mind. Zey look very nice. Might have a little one.

Unbelievable! We demand the release

of all of our revolutionary brothers and sisters

who starve in this... Is that a crayfish?

Er, it's lobster stuffed with caviar.

-Please.

-Hoh-hoh!

There we have it. In an extraordinary turn of events,

the negotiators, far from putting the governor on trial,

have instead decided to sit down for a meal with him.

little bit far away from their principles, I'd suggest.

There you are! You took so long, we thought you'd been captured,

so we stormed the Bastille.

No, I am fine.

Fine like these fine, fine cheeses.

-Oh!

-Have you tried the governor?

-No, but we have tried the veal. Oh!

-Mm!

Honestly, if you want a job done properly, do it yourself.

Vive la revolution!

GOVERNOR SCREAMS

So, there we have it. Thanks in part to a long lunch,

the Bastille has been stormed.

The common people of France have risen up to declare war on the rich.

Louis the XVI, I'd watch your neck if I were you.

We Saxons had some very strict laws

and the laws covering marriages were most unusual.

Saxon Films presents the story of a love that would last forever.

But in a Saxon world ravaged by war...

-Ah!

-Oh!

Nothing is forever.

That was a new helmet!

And I'm quite annoyed about you kidnapping my wife as well!

In a dark age, there was no distance a Saxon would not travel

to find his kidnapped wife and fight to get her back.

All right?

Hi, mate. I've come to buy my wife back, please.

Or you know, just try and buy her back.

See? I told you he'd come back for me.

Yeah, I know. About a thousand times.

-What did you just say?

-Nothing.

I warn you, it'll be a high price.

So tell me, how much you willing to pay for your wife?

In a world where life was cheap,

there was no price a man wouldn't pay for the woman he loved.

One penny.

What do you mean, one penny?

You're right, hang on.

Half a penny.

You just travelled hundreds of miles to buy her back

-and you're offering half a penny?

-Saxon law, mate.

I can't marry a new wife until I've at least tried

to buy the old one back. So I am offering you half a penny.

Oh, no. Not enough?

Oh, I am heartbroken(!)

Bye then, dear. I guess I'll just have to get over it

with a younger, nicer, less naggy wife. Heh-heh.

You're not going to let him call me naggy, are you?

-Well, you are a bit, aren't you?

-Just like you to agree with him.

Sorry, mate. Half a penny, you say?

Done.

What?

In the dark age of the Saxon world,

a man would pay the ultimate price to get his kidnapped wife back.

-Half a penny?!

-I'm gutted. Why did I bid so high?

He's right. Friend is another Saxon word.

Ah!

Oh, you mean YOU'RE a friend! I get it now.

They're Saxon words and all.

And now, from the makers of Kidnapped,

Kidnapped 2.

In a dark age of war and fear,

theirs was a love that would last forever.

Leofric!

When her husband was taken, there was no distance too great

to keep a wife from her lost love.

All right, new husband. You'll do.

Hang on, what about your husband?

Saxon law, love. If your husband gets captured,

-a wife can marry someone else straight away.

-Oh, I get it.

Well, get on with it!

In a dark age of war and fear, theirs was a love that would last...

Oi! Come back here!

For a few seconds.

Yes, that's right. The new head teacher

wants a minimum of 60 pupils per class.

I know, it does seem strange but he is from the Tudor age.

Anyway, I've got to go.

OK?

I didn't do anything.

I'm sorry, Sam. I have no idea why he wants to see you. Come on.

Yes, double pepperoni, please and plenty of spice.

I'm very keen on the eastern spices. Yes. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Oh, there he is. The truant!

-Truant?

-Indeed.

Don't think I didn't see you breezing through the school gates

at 8.20 this morning. Well? What do you have to say for yourself, boy?

That's when school starts.

Not in Tudor school it isn't. School starts at dawn

and dawn this morning was at 4.30am,

so where were you?

At home. In bed.

Ah! He admits it, does he? Well, then.

Three strokes of the cane it is.

-Mr Bullen...

-What's that on your head?

-Nothing.

-Precisely!

Losing a cap. That's worthy of another beating, I'm afraid.

-Oh, lord.

-Blasphemy!

Well, well. That deserves another beating.

We have a bad apple here,

Hang on a minute.

-What's all this in your bag?

-Just school stuff.

-Ha!

How dare you bring these frivolous play things into school.

-Mr Bullen, those are official school books.

-Nonsense!

All a boy needs to learn is one of these.

We call it a hornbook.

It has the alphabet and Lord's Prayer

on one side and plenty of space to write on t'other.

But shouldn't we be encouraging them to read books?

HE LAUGHS

Are you trying to ruin this child? Upper class parents won't thank you

for turning him into a bookworm.

A Tudor gentleman's life is to hunt and hawk. Heh, huh, ha!

What was that for?

Oh, it's for your own good, boy. you see, Tudor teachers believe that

beating pupils helps to keep them warm.

Now, off you go. Back to your class and be here at dusk

when school finishes to receive your beating.

Stay!

Do you have a dagger about you, boy?

What? No!

I thought not. Right, here you go.

You better borrow mine. Yes, Tudor school boys

need to carry those at all times

to keep the nib on their quill pens sharp. Dismissed.

Oh, Margaret.

Where did we go so wrong?

Tudors really did use daggers to sharpen the nibs on quill pens,

That's where we get the word penknife from.

I bet you're wondering, "How come that rat's so smart?"

Well, I'll have you know, I went to Oxford University. Hm!

But only to dig through the bins.

It's false, they had no summer holiday at all.

Yep, kids had a pretty tough time of it in the Tudor era.

Hello, I'm here in Tudor times to learn more

about Tudor horse racing and who better to tell me about it

-than the patron of horse racing in England, King Henry VIII.

-Hello.

So tell us about today's racing, Henry?

Well, actually, I have to inform you that the Pope has demanded

an end to all horse racing in England.

Oh, dear. So, um... so the racing's off, then?

Are you kidding?

There's nothing I like more than winding up the Pope.

No, we having more horse racing than ever.

So you're quite a big fan of the sport, then?

Oh, I can't get enough of it. At the Royal paddocks of Hampton Court,

I have a stable of 200 horses now,

from as far afield as Italy and Spain.

And does your son share your interest in horse racing?

Oh, good gracious, no. This isn't my son.

No, chance would be a fine thing.

Wives keep bearing me girls. No, this is one of my jockeys.

One of your jockeys? That's a... That's a small child.

I know. You see, horses go faster the less weight they're carrying

and there's no smaller jockey than a small child.

isn't that right, small child?

But isn't horse racing a bit dangerous for children?

Yes, it is!

I get through more jockeys than I do wives.

Ah, looks like you're on, small child. Off you go.

Yeah, you better win! Well, don't look so shocked.

Who do you expect to get on the horse, me? Of course, in my day

I was a fine horseman. Yes.

Riding, jumping, jousting, hunting. But now of course, its...

-Pre elevenses snack, sire?

-Eenie, meenie, miney, big one.

Mm. Yeah, nowadays I have to use a hoist to get on a horse.

-Mm.

-They're under starters orders...

And they're off.

CHEERING

Go on, small child, go on!

SCREAM AND CRASH

And he's off.

Really, Henry. There should be a law against

using small children as jockeys.

Yes, You're right, I suppose. I better ask the King about that.

Hang on a minute. I AM the King.

No!

Now, you fancy watching some cock-fighting?

It's a wonderful Tudor sport. Two cockerels fighting to the death.

Bagsy I get to eat the loser and the winner. Ha-ha! Come on.

Invading countries can be really hungry work,

so we Vikings need lots of food to keep us going.

Hello, food lovers!

We are the Hairy Vikings.

Is there any other kind, Si?

I don't think so, Dave.

Now today we're going to be cooking a traditional Viking winter stew.

Now food can be in very short supply in a Scandinavian winter,

so this recipe is really quite simple.

Aye, you just get all the veggies and fresh meat you lay your hands on

and you chucks it in your cauldron.

And then, if you find more, you just bung that in too.

Oh, now this stew's been on the go for about a month or so

and the meats been in there longer than he's been growing his beard!

Mm.

There's a bit of goose in there. Lovely.

Mm, there's hare in there.

-Oh, I must be moulting.

-No, I mean hare as in the big rabbits.

Oh, ha-ha!

-Tasty, yes.

-By the looks of things,

I think we got a bit of walrus in there as well.

Oh, I love a bit of walrus.

-Love a bit of walrus!

-love a bit of walrus!

Now, Dave, what else can we add in there?

I'll tell you what we got, Si.

-Here we are, a seagull.

-Oh!

Nice and easy to catch and surprisingly very tasty.

Lovely! What else have we got, Dave?

Well, that's it. I mean, it's winter, so there's not much around.

Well, that won't keep a couple of hairy Vikings like us going.

-I mean, I could eat a horse.

-So could I.

No really, I could eat the horse. NEIGHING

What, you mean like Dobbin? Our Dobbin?

Well, needs must, Dave. Dobbin's past it and it's winter.

Into the pot he goes.

Why don't we put that polar bear in instead?

-What polar bear?

-The one that's got the scent of the stew!

BEAR GROWLING

Next we'll be catching and cooking a whale.

We're going to need a bigger pot.

It's thought that the shortage of food at home

forced the Vikings to invade other countries

and Saxon King Aethelred the Unready

had real trouble keeping them out of England.

Hm.

Oh, what's this?

A business proposition.

"Dearest friend, I have a legitimate and trustworthy

"business proposition for you.

"Please send 22,000 gold coins and in return,

"we Vikings won't be paying you a visit.

"Yours very trustworthily, Olaf Tryggvason."

Better give him a call. PHONE RINGING

Come on, come on. Tut! Must be out pillaging.

Ah, Olaf, me old Viking mucker.

Aethelred, my little Saxon chum.

Just got your e-mail.

Yes, an unmissable offer I'm sure you'll agree.

It's that old Danegeld thing again.

Just cough up 22,000 gold coins and us Vikings will leave you alone.

I accept Pay-Up Pal.

Yeah, 22,000...

Little bit expensive!

Fair enough, we'll just do it the nasty way. I prefer that anyway.

Do you know London at all? London?

-YELLING:

-Cos I'm going to smash it up!

Well, don't do that!

Um, haven't I already paid you Vikings?

Give me one second, Olaf,

I'm just... Yes, there it is. 10,000. 991 AD.

-I've already paid.

-I'll do you a deal, 50% off.

Well, that's something.

Meaning I will cut you in half if you don't pay up!

OK, OK! I'll wire you the cash now.

But listen, Olaf. I can't keep paying you

not to attack England all the time.

This has to be the last one, all right?

Absolutely. Viking's honour.

Thank you.

There, done. That is the last I'm going to be hearing

from those Vikings.

Just check my Norsebook account, see if I've got any messages.

What?! Another Viking asking for money?

TELEPHONE RINGING

-Sweyn!

-Hello!

Yeah, hi.

What is this gold request on my Norsebook wall?

I've literally just paid Olaf Tryggvason.

So what? Have you never heard of the old saying?

Just because you give a horse cake, doesn't mean to say

-the goat is no longer hungry. Huh?

-No.

Oh, must just be Danish. Ha-ha! Pay up.

I'm not paying. I'm not paying you and I don't care.

There! Showed him.

Was it 24,000?

-That's a bargain at twice the price.

-Mm-hm.

-Might just buy some new trousers while I'm online.

-Good idea.

Do you think stripy ones or...?

-No, the brown ones.

-Oh, that's digging in a bit now.

It's true, Aethelred the Unready kept paying the Vikings money,

known as Danegeld, to go away.

But they kept coming back and he ended up losing his throne

to Sweyn, who became England's first-ever Viking King.

So Aethelred was not so much the Unready as the Unimaginably Stupid.

The answer is...

B, The Suffragettes

and there were almost no lengths they wouldn't go to for their cause.

Read all about it! Women get the right to vote.

Get the full story here only with HH News.

-We are the Suffragettes.

-Think you know some fierce girls?

You ain't heard nothing yet.

# A lass called Millie Fawcett founder of our cause

# Started the battle for our rights

# Argued the government to change the laws

# Here is how she stated our plight

# How come girls can't vote for rules that we have to obey

# When we work and pay taxes too?

# Parliament's reaction was... Oh, do go away

# How dare they diss the suffrage crew

# Suffragettes sing we're gonna do this thing

# Peaceful protests started in 1903

# Got no reaction needed drastic action

# Got a new leader, Emmeline Pankhurst...

That's me.

# Burst into parliament shouting votes for women

# Actions that were shocking and new

# Chained ourselves to Palace gates tensions were brimming

# On the WSPU

# Burned down churches, smashed up shops, attacked MPs

# The result, we were thrown in jail

# This made us more determined as you'll come to see

# Think we'd give up fighting? Hey, fail!

# Suffragettes sing together we can win

# In prison we protested and went on hunger strike

# Men still said no But we just said yo

# You won't stop us now... #

Miss Davison, please take the mic.

# We became more extreme

# Derby Day June 13

# In front of the King and Queen committed sacrifice supreme

# Crept unseen between the teeming crowds watching the race

# And threw myself under a horse

# To try and make our case

# Became a famous martyr How did men react?... #

We can't give women votes if they're so stupid, they'll do that.

# Soon our cause was lost when World War came along

# A suffragette's reaction

# Was to wave our protests goodbye, farewell, so long,

# To patriotic action

# Put down our banners saying give us votes instead

# Supported the men's fight

# Worked to help them win the war so guess what they said?... #

OK, ladies, you were right.

# Suffragettes sing we've done it ding-ding

# At last those men see you should treat us the same

# So all take note now women can vote

# And it's thanks to those who fought in the suffragette name. #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Psst, can you keep a secret? No, me neither.

I've found great games in the Time Sewers.

Want to come and play? Then just go to the CBBC website

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there.

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #