Magna Carta Special: Crooked King John and Magna Carta Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Normans savage, fierce and toothless

# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a drumming rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

King John - the story of a family at war,

and a future king born in the shadow of his older brother,

Richard the Lionheart.

SING-SONG: You'll never be king, you'll never be king!

Stop it!

Grrr!

Ridiculed by his father...

Maybe we should call you John Lack-land! Get it?

Lack-land. Because you lack land!

HE CACKLES

It's not even funny, Dad!

A story of power and betrayal.

You might be a runty little pipsqueak, eh?

But at least he would not turn on his own father.

Yeah, the thing is, Dad, I'm sort of siding with the French

and rebelling against you.

CHOKING: John! What have you done?

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Mum! Dad's dead! Can I be king?

No. It is your brother Richard's turn.

So unfair!

A boy desperate to be king, but thwarted by his elder brother.

I gave him land in France

on the condition that he stayed out of England while I'm on Crusade.

-God wills it.

-God wills it.

And did he?

Non! Swooped back into England and started a full-scale rebellion.

Two brothers at war,

but stuck with each other, in more ways than one.

He's a cheating, scheming, spineless idiot.

Oui, but he is our cheating, scheming, spineless idiot.

-Where is he?

-La.

-Hmm?

I'm really sorry, Richard, it won't happen again. I'll do anything!

So lucky he'll never be king.

King John, coming to a screen near you. Now.

You join us here at Westminster Abbey, 1199.

Yes, he finally made it.

It's the long-awaited coronation of King John,

an occasion of true dignity and solemnity.

And as the Archbishop of Canterbury approaches,

John...appears to be taking off his tunic

and his undergarments.

Sorry, can I just check something? Am I in the right place?

Coronation of King John?

It's just that he's getting almost completely naked.

They always did that? OK. Weird.

The new king emerges in some sort of...nappy? Um...

But doesn't he look magnificent as he finally dons the crown?

And...

struggles a bit.

To be fair, it's made of solid gold.

And it's been a long day for everyone.

Yes, King John. The man who will shape the nation.

-Arrgh!

-As soon as he gets up.

Get me out of here.

Yes, when Richard the Lionheart died,

John finally got his heart's desire and became King.

He immediately started travelling around the country

doing what he did best.

Being a right royal pain in the neck.

Hi, I'm King John. I'm an itinerant monarch.

That means I travel around the country

ruling from wherever I happen to be at the time.

Being on the road means I've had to learn to survive

in some pretty extreme circumstances.

And I'm going to show you how.

Here are the basics for X-treme Survival.

'X-treme Survival tip one - shelter.'

You're out in the wilds of England, miles from home,

you need somewhere to sleep.

Look around you - what do you see?

Moss, leaves, grass -

nature's sheets and blankets.

What I like to use is actual sheets and blankets.

That's why when I'm travelling I bring loads of servants with me,

to carry all my bedding.

And my bed.

But, wait, what if it rains?

Look around you - what do you see?

Trees and bushes

can provide an effective shield against the elements.

But what I like to do is send the soldiers I brought with me

to take over the nearest castle.

SWORDS CLASH

Then I can sleep there. That's X-treme Survival!

You're going to need to bring that.

'X-treme Survival tip two - health.'

Phew! Keeping clean out in the wild can be tough.

Especially when, like me,

you're used to having a bath nearly twice a month.

But where are you going to find a bath out here on the open road?

Look around you - what do you see?

Fresh running water.

It's nature's bathtub.

But this is my actual bathtub.

It's much nicer, and it goes everywhere I go.

My toilet comes too.

-Not now!

-SCREAM AND SPLASH

'Next week on King John's Survival Tips - travelling abroad.

'How to avoid sea sickness

'with nothing but two servants to hold your head still.'

I'm going to go! I'm going to be sick!

-I'm going!

-HE RETCHES

When John was a young man, busy annoying people,

over on the other side of the world

knights and soldiers were busy killing people in the Crusades,

fighting over who owned the Holy Land.

But Saladin, the leader of the Muslim forces,

was a clever, well-respected ruler and a great warrior.

So, nothing like John, then.

The Crusaders are headed for Jerusalem,

but we can deal with them here by the Horns of Hattin.

Kill them! Kill them all!

Patience, my friends. We must be cleverer than that.

We can attack them in a different way.

We're in a desert, so ask yourself, what do they need?

-Good kicking!

-No.

-No, no.

-A sword through their skull!

-Kill them all!

-Kill them all!

No, no, no, no. Think about it. Think about it.

What must they do every day in the desert?

Kiss a chipmunk?

No. Not that.

Put it this way, what must we all do?

What must we all do every day to survive?

-Go toilet?

-Other end.

-Other end.

-Brush their teeth.

What is this? What is in this?

-Jug.

-Jug.

-Water! Water!

-Ah!

-Water!

-I totally drink water every day.

-So what must we do?

-Kill them!

-Kill them!

No! No! No! Go back to the water. Think water.

-Drown them!

-Drown them all!

How am I supposed to drown them - in the paddling pool I keep on my camel?

You can drown in as little as one inch of water. Fact.

Oh, thanks for that! That's really helpful!

What happens in a desert if you don't drink your water?

They have nothing to wash their, er, salad in.

-Salad-in! Ha-ha-ha!

-He's called Saladin!

Yeah, his name is Saladin.

What happens in a desert if you do not drink the water?

-They get thirsty?

-Yes.

And what happens if you still don't drink the water?

-You get the bad skin.

-No.

-Chappy lips.

No, past that stage. OK? What happens next?

You die.

Yes! Boom! One point to idiot number two.

Well done.

Where do they need to go to get their water?

It begins with a W, ends in an L.

Wall?

-Rhymes with bell.

-Cello?

-W... W...

-When do...?

-W...

-Well!

-THEY CHEER

-Well!

-Well!

So, we go to the well, we block their access,

they cannot drink any water,

they get weaker and weaker

until they can barely stand.

They are about to die, and then we can finally...

-Kill them all!

-Kill them all!

To the well!

Wait! Wait, wait. Can we just run through it one more time?

HE GRUNTS

We go to the well.

The well is this way.

Saladin was clever, cunning in battle,

but was also fair to his enemies.

He once agreed to stop attacking a castle

because there was a royal wedding going on.

No, he Sala-didn't!

-Yes, he Sala-did!

-BOOM-TISH!

But not everyone in the Crusades was as civilised as Saladin.

Especially not the French knight Raynald de Chatillon.

He was so nasty, he must have thought

they were called the Cruel-sades.

Eh? The Cruel-sades!

Definitely one of history's craziest fools.

CROWD SHOUTS

Hi! I'm Mr H, and I feel history, yeah?

It's a rich tapestry of incredible people

doing brave and wonderful things.

But I ain't here to talk about them!

Now, I like to visit places, see stuff and meet people.

But in the Middle Ages, people liked to visit places,

steal stuff, and kill people!

If that ain't crazy, I don't know what is!

Meet Raynald of Chatillon. He was a knight, yeah?

Who fought in the Crusades like King John's brother,

Richard the Lionheart,

and ended up staying in the Holy Land.

This guy was bigoted, insensitive, violent, greedy and brutal.

And those were his good points!

He used to put boxes on the heads of prisoners.

And then fire them off the castle walls in a catapult!

MAN SCREAMS

Raynald thought the box would keep the prisoner conscious

while they were in the air.

That is cold, man.

And he didn't even lay on an in-flight movie - crazy-nasty fool!

Man, this crazy fool has left me feeling sad.

So do me a favour. Until next time, be nice to each other,

and stay away from stupid, all right?

POSH VOICE: So her father's a colonel, and her mother's in the WI!

I know!

Right, when I was prince,

I got in some top-notch ruling practice

by being Lord of Ireland.

What was the funniest thing about that job?

Was it:

It's B.

Of course it's B. The Irish Lords had funny beards.

I got into so much trouble for pulling their beards.

They didn't like it. I don't know why.

No sense of humour, some people.

I'm a funny guy!

Yeah, hilarious. King John lived a life of privilege and luxury.

But medieval life for ordinary people like me

wasn't always that comfortable.

In fact, it could be pretty smelly.

Oh!

Please, sir?

Please?

Wipe your bum, sir?

-What?

-May I? Wipe your bum, sir?

Er, no. No, no, I'm fine, thanks.

Oh, come, sir, this is the Middle Ages.

A fine gentleman like yourself

-can't be seen to wipe his own bum, now, can he?

-Er...

It's all here in the Book of Civilized Man

by esteemed poet Daniel of Beccles.

"If you wish to belch, always look up at the ceiling."

HE BELCHES

OK, I'm going.

-No, wait!

-You can stick that hay where the sun don't shine.

But that's what I was going to do, sir!

-Please!

-Oh, all right.

COIN JINGLES

BEGGAR LAUGHS

I don't want your money!

-No, I want your poo!

-What?

It's been such a cold winter, we've been burning poo to keep warm.

Oooh.

-Ready when you are, sir.

-Just one log

for the fire?

HE VOMITS

Sorry.

Well, that's dinner sorted.

You might think burning poo to keep warm is pretty bad.

Cos it is!

But across the globe, a ferocious leader

was making life for people even worse.

In Mongolia.

Hello, I'm Jeff Reason, and welcome to Battle of the Day,

coming live from 13th-century Mongolia

as we focus on the scourge of the world.

No, not the disastrous King John in England,

but the strong wolf himself - Genghis Khan.

With me, providing expert analysis and plenty of gory details,

it's Jamie Castle.

Jamie, Genghis has a pretty terrible reputation.

But come on - is he really that ruthless?

During his life, Genghis Khan turned most of Asia into a bloodbath.

What kind of soap would you use in a bloodbath?

It's not a real bath, Jeff.

And even if it was, Genghis has made washing punishable by death.

Hold your noses, we're about to hear from the mighty Mongol himself.

Genghis, you're off to do battle with the Chinese today.

What do you say to accusations that you fight dirty?

It's true. I do!

There is no honour in war, only victory or defeat.

Not sure that I agree with you there.

Then I'll kill you!

Thanks, lads, see you later.

We're about to go to Chris Staycalmer at The Bridge...

of Human Bodies? Chris?

Genghis arrives, sees the moat around the enemy fortress,

and orders all his prisoners to rush into the water

until their bodies pile up like a bridge.

A human bridge!

Allowing his army to march right across.

Oh, I've never seen anything it, Jeff.

Ugly. But weirdly effective.

-Arrgh!

-Arrgh!

-Bit like you, Chris.

-Oh, yeah, really mature!

"Oh, yeah, I'm in the Mongol horde,

-"look at me, bullying everyone!"

-SWORD UNSHEATHS

-No, I meant...

-SHOUTING

And here's a victorious man who couldn't agree with you more.

Genghis, you've conquered anyone and everyone you could find.

One of the most brutal warriors in history. It's quite a legacy.

Hang on. How about my religious tolerance,

or the fact that I outlawed kidnapping women,

stealing animals and enslaving other Mongols?

And all you want to do is talk about wars and killing?

But you have killed quite a lot of people.

Fair point. 40 million is plenty.

40 million!

In the 13th century,

that's nearly 11% of the world's entire population.

Great for the environment, though, Jeff.

Dead people don't produce C02, methane, OR chop down trees.

He really deserves to be remembered

as one of the most environmentally friendly rulers of all time.

PARP!

Methane.

While Genghis Khan was conquering half the known world,

back in England, things weren't going well for King John.

But instead of being nice and trying to make more friends,

he just kept winding everyone up and being really, really annoying.

This is John. He's the king of England.

He's got a lot of expensive gear to shell out for.

Wars, feasts, castles and the like.

Bad news - he's skint.

Good news - he's also the king of cons.

Let's see him do the business.

My liege.

'The dodgy war con.'

Brought my troops. When do we set sail for war on France?

Yeah...er...really soon.

Er...have you got the cash, or...?

Hang on. You're not going to do that thing again

where you pretend there's a war on,

we give you a load of money to help fight it,

then it turns out there wasn't a war and you just wanted the money?

As if!

Good. Come on. Here you go.

OK.

'Bosh! He's just been had!'

Thanks. Um...

Actually, I think we will end the war.

Thanks for your support, though.

Oh!

I can't believe he got me again!

To be fair, he does it the whole time, you know?

And we have no choice but to give him what he asks.

It's bad enough that he lost all our land in France,

now he's nicking our money!

Wife's going to be livid.

See you, guys.

'Who's this geezer? It's our scammer King John again.

'We call this one the Lack-land Church Land con.'

Er, sorry, are you the Bishop?

-Yes, sire.

-Good.

Right. Because I'm the King, and I'm confiscating all your lands.

Right. OK.

Don't tell me, you're going to sell them back to me.

Not even close.

I'm going to sell them back to you!

'Bosh! He's already setting up his next con.'

I'm going to build a whole new town

just so that I can charge them for a royal charter.

I'm going to call this con "Liverpool".

'Bosh!'

'Warning - some of these hustles may turn your people against you

'and lead to you losing the crown.'

It's true.

King John really did found the area of Liverpool

as a way to make money out of his people.

-LIVERPOOL ACCENT:

-Whose Merseyside is he on, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Eventually the barons had had enough of coughing up cash

for greedy King Johnny and decided to make a list of angry demands.

The Archbishop of Canterbury agreed to act as a go-between.

And on June 10th 1215,

King John and the barons met for two weeks of arguing at Runnymede

in Surrey to discuss what would become the famous Magna Carta.

THEY WHISPER

Your Majesty. We, the Noblemen of England,

are worried about your continued abuse of power.

It threatens the future of the realm.

So we've gathered here, at Runnymede,

and we've written a list of grievances

in this document here called The Magna Carta.

Really ticked off, actually.

-Really ticked off.

-Big time.

Magnum Carthorse? Whatever.

Got some grievances of my own, actually.

I think you'll find our grievances are more serious.

-I think you'll find mine are.

-I don't think you will, actually.

-I think I will, actually.

-I don't think you will, actually.

-MOUTHS:

-I think I will.

There's only one way to settle this.

I propose...

..a grievance battle.

ALL: Ooh!

Baron. Hit it!

HE RAPS: Where to start, which part?

We got so many grievances we could fill a cart

Let's start with some facts like tax

They're so heavy that they're gonna break our backs

We can't pay, there's no chance

We lost all our money when you lost France

The Norman bit anyway.

Your Majesty, you got boned. Drop some beats, playa!

-HE RAPS:

-I'm confused, is this real?

I thought I was the king I'm holding his seal

Kneel to the king I'll see you grovel in the grime

I'll tax what I like I'll even tax this rhyme

Barons don't grovel It's time to get real

Listen to me, dawg or you're gonna feel some steel

This charter's tight we don't need to fight

Just hit it with your seal and give us our rights

Some serious points.

I ain't finished

We want a council to represent rich people

We want a free church with a free steeple

We want you to stop stealing our sons

And holding them hostage like you have done

There's vital stuff here that you've got to give us

There's also some stuff about fishing in the rivers

So stop, read what we plead

Agree the deed in Runnymede

Do what we ask or we're gonna make you bleed

Yeah, I hear what you're saying

If I don't tread gently For my life I will be praying

So tell me what to do You're the boss

Though we'll have to do this later cos I'm taking up the cross

Interesting development. I wonder...

I'll shut up.

Hang on a minute You must think we're barmy

While you're talking here you're hiring up an army

So how about this? Let's barter

We'll stay loyal if you agree to Magna Carta

Boom! Boom!

Whatever, dawg I'll agree your skanky scroll

I'm tired of this game and it's time for me to roll

I ain't bothered It don't fill me with sorrow

No-one will even remember this tomorrow

Plus I'm besties with the Pope and he'll ignore this ting

I do things my way cos I'm John and I'm the king

Boom!

Oooh!

Man, this king is phat!

Harsh!

So, King John had a right royal grumble,

but agreed Magna Carta.

Which meant for the first time in history,

the King had to follow the law like everyone else.

He couldn't just steal your castle

and take your cash like he could before.

If it wasn't for Magna Carta,

the Queen today would be able to kick you out of your bedroom,

nick your pocket money and eat your sweets

just because she felt like it.

Yeah. Not that she would, of course, she's a lovely lady.

But did Magna Carta finally make King John behave himself?

Nah!

He just went straight back to being just as annoying as before.

Still King John. Well, just about.

Having a bit of a tough time with the barons.

They're trying to replace me with a French prince called Louis.

But I'm clinging on.

Anyway, they're all obsessed with boring Magna Carta...

HE YAWNS

..which is a Latin name.

But do you know what it means in English?

Is it:

The answer is B.

They call it the Great Charter.

Nothing great about it.

I can tell you, it's just a list that I'M not allowed to do.

Well, stuff that for a game of soldiers. I've got actual soldiers!

This war is back on

and no Frenchman is going to steal my throne.

HE COUGHS

Not feeling tip-top, to be honest.

I'm sure that won't stop me.

GURGLING

Oh, dear. Gang way!

King John might have ignored Magna Carta, but luckily for us,

from 1215 to 2015, people throughout history

have realised how important it was.

Who'd have thought so much could be achieved

by one small piece of paper?

# Here's the story of a very old decree

# Forced on King John as he made off with the revenue

# Of us barons and the aristocracy

# He took our land and for a lark Held our sons hostage too

-# Magna Carta

-Magna Carta?

# Told King John he's got to be

He's got to be subject to law Agree tax with us too

-# Gave his seal

-Gave my seal?!

# Then withdrew his guarantee

# Left to Henry III and Edward I to pass it through

# And I would say 800 years

# A birthday worth 800 cheers

# Since 1215 Magna Carta's been

# The foundation of our democracy

# By 1500 It reads as all men are free

# Even peasants just like me can tell kings that is true

-# For years it vanished Until Edward Cook, MP

-That's me!

# Challenged Charles I as his own powers grew

-# You'd think that Cromwell

-Jolly Ollie

-Would agree

# But instead he said

# Magna Carta?

# Magna Farta, more like Not for me

# I'm Thomas Jefferson and Edward Cook is the bee's knees

# Our American Constitution incorporated his decrees

# And I believe 800 years

# Has proved from ancient pioneers

# Best British invention of all

# Apart of course from soccer ball

-# Magna Carta

-Super charter

-Magna Carta

-It's a part of

# What you're taught at school

-# Magna Carta

-Just for starters

-Magna Carta

-Nothing smarter

# Kings, watch how you rule

# Eleanor Roosevelt extended

# This letter to America

# Here's the story of a very old decree

# And now enshrined in UN Human Rights since World War II

# It began as Help for the aristocracy

# Now it's for you and me and everyone in the world too

# And I would hope 800 years

# Of freedom never disappears

# All hail this simple ancient law

# May it survive 800 more

-# Magna Carta

-Super charter

-# Magna Carta

-It's a part of

# What you're taught at school

-# Magna Carta

-Just for starters

-Magna Carta

-Nothing smarter

# Magna Carta rules. #

FIREWORKS POP

800 years old! That's nearly as old as my gran.

King John continued to fight his barons until he died in 1216,

just one year after Magna Carta.

The barons forgot about Prince Louis

and John's son, Henry, became King Henry III.

Poor Johnny-boy is now remembered for being a rubbish king,

and for a document he completely ignored.

I wonder what he would make of all that.

# Chatty death, chatty death My grizzly interviews

# Chatty death, chatty death The dead and famous too! #

Yeah, they wouldn't even pay for a new tune.

Yeah, same tune, different words.

What?! Oh, yeah.

Hello, and welcome back to Chatty Death,

where it's time for our special guest.

Please go absolutely bonkers for the former king of England, King John!

SILENCE

That's going bonkers, is it?

WIND HOWLS

So!

Johnny-bobs, Johnny, Jenny, Johnny, Johnny-bobs!

A King of England, eh? How did you die? In battle?

An assassin's blade? Let's get to the bottom of this.

Bad tummy. I had dysentery from eating too many peaches.

PARP!

Oh, sorry, yes, that's me. Sorry.

Well, we got to the bottom of it, all right!

Phew!

Now, there is one thing people like about you.

You gave us Magna Carta.

-Magna what-what?

-You know, big bit of paper, you signed it

to limit your powers and give rights to the barons.

People still remember that?

Well, yeah, it sort of became the foundation of democracy.

No, that was nothing. I just signed it

to keep the barons quiet for a few weeks.

I've kept more important pieces of paper next to my toilet.

Yeah, well, this toilet paper

is the basis of the Constitution of America.

Sorry, what's an America?

You know - cowboys, skyscrapers, hot dogs, Al Pacino!

Hoo-ha! Al Pacino, "What have you got?"

No? Oh, take too long to explain.

I can't believe I was so unpopular.

Please tell me my brother Richard is hated even more.

-Er, Richard the Lionheart?

-Yeah.

Chivalrous hero of the Crusades?

I don't believe it! He hardly spent a day in the country,

bankrupted us with his taxes. Why am I the villain?

Well, let's put it this way...

SCREAMING

Phew! That was getting awks!

Oh, you liked my Al Pacino, did you? Yeah, I do others.

"Use the Force, Luke."

# Chatty death, chatty death Hope next time it's not you! #

Hoo-hoo!

Hi, I'm King John and I'm a...

I'm an itirenant...

It's very hard to say that!

Make a shrewd tactical decision involving the pincer movement.

LAUGHTER

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #