Preposterous US Presidents Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians,

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

Horrible Histories presents...

There are lots of different types of rulers.

In Britain we've had kings and queens, Japan has an emperor,

Luxembourg even has a grand duke.

But in the USA they've had a long line of presidents,

45 of them so far.

The very first of whom was...

Now, let's see...

President number one, George Washington.

Back in 1783, America was ruled by Britain.

But the Americas got fed up, fought a war to be independent,

led by a brilliant soldier called George Washington.

Yee-ha!

And now, from Presidential Publications,

read for yourself how his tactics

freed America from British rule.

When I fought for the British, they taught me how to fight.

When I fought against them, I taught them how to lose!

Now you can read how I did it, in my new book,

George Washington's Guide To Victory.

I'll take you through the Battle of Long Island.

Men...we're outnumbered.

Run away.

Not forgetting the nail-biting battle of Germantown.

On my command...march!

And the crucial battle of White Plains,

another tactical masterclass.

There are 3,000 British troops over in the bay.

OK, what I want you to do is gather all the troops you can,

and on my command...

run away.

The British got so fed up of chasing us all over the country and

paying the Army, that they gave up, went home!

Buy it now! And remember, if they can't catch you,

they can't make you surrender.

Aargh, a bee! Run away!

Run away!

It's true. President number one, George Washington,

won the war of independence, the Brits went home,

and he took charge of a newly named United States of America.

It was a brand-new country,

and it needed a brand-new logo to stamp on all the laws,

money and passports.

Something people would respect.

Something that said... nobility, heroism and grandeur.

Something like...this.

What? What?

Well, their ideas weren't much better.

OK. Founding Fathers guys, we've got this.

Thomas Jefferson,

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams,

you need a coat of arms to represent your new country!

A coat of arms is crucial.

The British have one and they totally love it.

You've got a unicorn, you've got a lion.

Just typical British animals.

OK, so...here we go.

The Great Seal of the United States of America!

Boom!

No. No, I'm sorry, no, that won't do.

OK, let's throw some new ideas around, there are no bad ideas.

Alligator!

-Bad idea.

-Raccoon!

-Bad idea.

-Skunk.

-Bad idea.

-Alligator, raccoon and skunk, all wearing hats - taxi!

Very bad idea.

-Is it the hats?

-No, I don't like the stupid animals.

I quite like the hats, so...

What I'm getting from you guys is, you want...

-A bird.

-Gobble, gobble, boom, boom.

-Boom.

-I like the turkey.

It has gravitas, it has pride, it's the lion of the bird world.

Benjamin, we are not having a turkey.

Long shot - bald...

headed...eagle.

-Does it have to be bald?

-Well, he can wear a hat.

That way you wouldn't see that he's...

-Bald.

-That is a good idea.

No, the eagle is a scavenger.

-He's a bully.

-It's not like my noble turkey.

-I want my turkey.

-We have been arguing about this for six years,

OK? We have had three

different committees with 14 different members.

Now, we need to agree on something, and the eagle works.

Brilliant. Meeting over.

-Let's go play ping-pong.

-I want my turkey.

Where's my turkey? I want my turkey.

-It's turkey time!

-No, no, ssh...

I just... I like turkeys.

In my honour, our new capital city was named Washington, DC.

It was a gleaming example to the world.

But there was one small problem.

Was it...

The answer is...

FLIES BUZZ

Yes, part of the city was built on a swamp.

We may have defeated the British, but...

these mosquitoes are going to kill us all.

Run away!

In the 1800s, the United States was teeny-tiny compared to nowadays.

Because a lot of what we think of as America today was actually owned by

France, including important cities like New Orleans.

But things were about to change.

President number three, Thomas Jefferson,

knew a bargain when he saw it.

Mesdames et messieurs, I am Napoleon Bonaparte, the leader of France,

and there must be something very wrong with me because I am giving

away New Orleans! That is right, I am giving it away!

For just 20 million.

I got to get my mitts on this before somebody else snaps it up.

Ah, Monsieur President, mon plaisir!

Yeah. Well, straight to the chase - I want to buy New Orleans.

Two million American dollars.

Two million?

Two million? I want 20!

Two million is chump change.

I have someone on the other line, I will call you back.

Boney, old chap, just giving you the heads-up,

we're declaring a war on you next Thursday.

-What?

-Anyway, just checking you've

got the necessary wonga to fund a jolly

good war - can be rather expensive.

Unless of course you want to give up now?

Never!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

How much money do I have?

Oh, don't even have two beans to rub together.

Ah!

-Napoleon.

-Jefferson!

I have been thinking. I love the USA.

I love it! Yes.

Uncle Simon! Ha-ha!

New Orleans is yours for just...

-15 million.

-10 million, and that's my final offer.

15...but I will throw in the rest of the Louisiana Territory.

Hot dang!

That's a million square feet of land.

Oui. What the Americans call...

going super-sized, non?

You've got yourself a deal, Emperor.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Thomas, you are one cool customer.

Oh... Oh, no!

Bargain! They did a two-for-one on whole states,

and soon afterwards the United States added Spanish Florida too.

The USA was growing,

and more and more people from around

the world were heading there to start new lives.

It was an exciting time, but it could be pretty confusing too,

because not everyone spoke the language you might expect.

OLD-TIMEY WILD WEST PIANO

SPITTOON DINGS

HE HAWKS

SPITTOON DINGS

Guten Tag! Ich bin the Sheriff.

-Was kann ich fur Sie tun?

-What in tarnation?

Ah, yeah, yeah. Ingrid, konnten Sie kommen hier, bitte?

Ah! Guten Tag!

Who are you, and what is this cowboy talking about?

Oh, we are speaking German.

-Join us.

-No, I will not join you.

Why are you all speaking German?

Cos German is the second most popular language in America.

That's hogwash.

-Er, was hat er gesagt?

-I think you are...

offering to wash his pig?

-Yes?

-Nein, danke!

-No!

Soy un vaquero Espanol.

Ah, now I don't understand that.

I think it was Spanish?

-Si, si.

-Spain-ish?!

Yes, people have come to America from all over the world,

not just England.

Ahem!

Und einige von uns waren schon hier!

Yah, some of us were here already.

Don't tell me he's German too!

No, but some people make an effort to learn a language.

Well, German ain't the language here.

We speak American.

Take a look around you, lady, this is the US of A.

I think you'll find it's English we speak here, old bean.

I don't speak English, old bean.

I speak the Queen's American.

Was ist diese Idiot reden?

Did he just call me an idiot?

Ja, ja, ja! You see, now you are learning the language.

-Clever, clever, clever.

-Oh!

Foreign cowboys ain't welcome here.

So y'all can just saddle right on up...

..and have a lovely ride of your horse amidst our beautiful scenery.

I mean, we're all from somewhere, right?

Live and let live. I always say that.

I've had a hog killing time and all, but by hook or by crook,

I've got to giddy on up and get my chow from the chuck wagon.

Well, see you all later, partners.

Did anyone understand a word of that?

I don't think he's from round here.

-Music!

-Ah, sehr gut!

Time for another.

Ah, yes.

President number seven, Andrew Jackson,

who was nicknamed Old Hickory,

because his soldiers thought he was tough as hickory wood.

Jackson died in 1837,

his funeral was a sombre affair with one very badly behaved guest.

Good day!

On behalf of President Jackson's family,

it's my honour to welcome you on this sad day.

We're joined, of course, by President Jackson's parrot, Paul,

who was by his side throughout his long career,

and picked up many of the words he used to say.

Andrew Jackson was a...

-Nitwit!

-..nitwit. Nit...not...

Not what I would call a dull man, far from it.

He was a shining example to us all.

From a humble background he trained hard to become a...

-Loser!

-..loser. Lawyer!

Lawyer. And was then elected to government.

He co-founded the great city of Memphis, Tennessee,

and loved nothing more to sit on his veranda, sipping a glass of...

-Wee-wee!

-Wee-wee...

WE all know he sipped iced tea.

I never knew a man with more powerful...

-Farts!

-..farts. Faith! Than he.

He always travelled everywhere with his battered old...

-Bottom!

-Bible by his side filled with...

-Knickers!

-Wisdom!

Let's skip through to the gun salute.

HE WHISTLES

Uh-oh!

GUNSHOTS

Let us pee... Pray! Pray.

Um, who's next?

President number 16, Abraham Lincoln.

This great US president faced some

of the toughest challenges of any American leader.

Luckily, he got lots of great advice,

even though some of it came from some rather unusual places.

Abraham Lincoln here.

Running for the job of the 16th

president of the

United States of America.

Oh, you want to see me? Yeah?

Oh, hey there!

I think you are a great man.

You are too kind.

But I don't like your face.

I withdraw my comment.

Would you like to know why?

"Would I like to know why?"

I've got a feeling you're going to tell me anyway, Grace.

Your head is too skinny.

What can I do with that? Yeah, OK, laugh it up, guys.

Yeah, skinny head, got it.

No, I don't look like a giraffe!

OK, let's just park that there.

There's not much I can do about my head.

Grow some whiskers.

OK. Well, I'll consider it, Grace,

even though you can't vote for me anyway, because you're a girl.

And you're 11.

At least I'm not a skinny head.

OK, I appreciate the feedback.

And you never know, Grace,

maybe next time you see me in a photo I'll have some whiskers.

Of course, Abraham Lincoln was famous for wanting to end slavery in

America, but not everyone in the US agreed with him.

This led to the outbreak of a civil war

between the northern and southern states of the USA in 1861.

Southern states even declared their own rival President,

and man called Jefferson Davis.

Yep, he's not in here, because Lincoln and the North won the war.

And they had plenty of help doing it from a very clever secret source,

the spy, Mary Bowser,

who pretended to be a slave called Ellen

working for the rival President.

She was in great danger, but for some reason,

the generals just couldn't believe she was a spy.

Generals of the Confederate South.

Before I discuss our secret plans on how to defeat the North,

I must tell you that I believe that there is a traitor amongst us.

Ellen, confess!

You have forgotten to top up my coffee!

Now, I must consider who this traitor could possibly be.

Ellen!

You must be...

careful!

Now, if you try to even understand one word of this very clever thing,

then it might blow your tiny lady mind.

Oh, yes, sir. I don't even know how to do no reading!

Run along and get some more bread for the guys,

before any more of this highly intelligent mind talk

sends your brain into a fizz.

Thomas, they still assume me an uneducated slave girl.

But I may be in grave danger soon.

Make haste with these stolen secret plans to President Lincoln at once.

Why, thank you, Thomas, these buns sure do smell delicious.

-I spy a traitor!

-Surely you are not suggesting...

Let me finish. I spy a TRAY TO put our empty cups on whilst we're

studying these plans.

Whoops!

Oh, crumbs.

Heavens, Ellen, now look at these...

these papers may seem like nothing to a humble slave girl,

but these are top secret information that must, under no circumstances,

find their ways into the hands of our cunning enemy.

Might you

be that enemy,

Ellen?

THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

I do feel ever so clever for having made

a joke as ridiculousness as that one.

Ellen!

Mary Bowser helped President Lincoln and the North win the Civil War.

When it was over, Lincoln abolished slavery.

Top work! But Lincoln still had his enemies,

and so the first official secret security service

was set up to protect America by President Lincoln himself.

But they were never prepared for this particular first day at work.

Best seats in the house, gentlemen.

First ever Secret Service social night to commemorate

-our first ever day in existence.

-You know,

I know that we were only created today,

but do you think, maybe, we should

stop calling ourselves Secret Service?

You know, because we're supposed to be...secret?

-Good note.

-Thanks.

Ice cream!

Over here for the Secret Service, you guys.

-Gentlemen.

-Oh, sorry, wrong box.

-Mister President!

-Oh!

I thought I was being attacked.

There is no danger of that, sir,

surrounded by your brand-new Secret...

-WHISPERS:

-Secret Service.

-It's us.

Yes, it's not actually your job to protect the president, gentlemen.

You were set up to hunt down forged money.

So let's all just relax.

-Yes, sir!

-Oh!

Stop sneaking up on me like that!

Why do you keep touching your ear?

Sir, I have eczema. It's really itchy.

Sorry to hear that. Well, enjoy the show, boys.

I'll see you later.

We just met the President!

This is for the Civil...

Oh, excuse me, have you seen the President?

Hey, wait a minute, pal.

-What?

-Aren't you the famous actor John Wilkes Booth?

Why, yes, I am.

I knew it was you!

Can I get your autograph?

-I don't see why not.

-Make it out to my daughter.

-What's her name?

-Her name is Special Agent Andrews.

That's your name...

Kiss, Kiss.

Yes, yes!

Hold it.

What?

You forgot your gun, dummy.

You big dumb-dumb! John Wilkes Booth.

We just met John Wilkes Booth!

He's so famous, but he's so nice.

John Wilkes Booth. Boom!

The President. Boom!

This day could not get any better.

This is for the Civil War!

GUNSHOT

SCREAMING

Oh! John Wilkes Booth just shot the President.

They should totally have, like, a Secret Service that could deal with

-stuff like that.

-Yeah.

Oh!

All right, so the agents weren't actually at the theatre that night,

but the organisation was created on

the very same day Lincoln was assassinated.

Time for another president.

President number 26.

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt.

A tough outdoorsy kind of guy.

So it's kind of funny what he's best known for.

Your coffee, madam.

Great job, thank you, Hartley.

One, two, three, four.

I knocked the fellow to the floor.

-Teddy!

-Don't call me Teddy.

I'm a man. I'm a big man, with the big cup of coffee.

Yes, Teddy...Theodore, I know you are, honey.

Look! A present for you.

Oh! Ah!

It's probably some manly hunting supplies, or a boxing trophy.

Here. Let me.

Oh, look, Teddy.

It's a cuddly bear.

-Huh?

-Apparently they are making them in your honour,

because you refused to shoot that bear on your hunting trip.

They are calling them TEDDY bears.

-Ain't that adorable?

-Adorable?

A cuddly bear in my honour.

But I'm a big, tough, manly man's man,

not some cuddly-bear-hugging mamma's boy.

I knew I should have killed that darned bear.

-Teddy!

-For the last time, Edith, I'm Theodore Roosevelt.

Soldier, explorer, boxer, president of the United States.

I don't want to be remembered as the

-guy who gave the world the teddy bear.

-Whatever you say, Ted...

Theodore. I'll have it sent back to the manufacturers.

We'll demand to have the whole range shredded.

Shredded! They can't do that.

All his flufty bobbles will fall out and give him a poorly tum-tum.

I mean... Manly...

Don't worry, Mr Fluffy, I'll look after you.

The wives of the presidents are known as the first ladies.

And there were none stronger than Eleanor Roosevelt.

She was the niece of president 26, Teddy Roosevelt, and the wife of...

..president number 32, Franklin D Roosevelt.

What she did changed the role of the first lady for ever.

Welcome to the White House, Mrs Roosevelt.

I'll be your personal aide.

I can provide absolutely anything that you need.

How wonderful.

I have a selection of canapes for you

to sample for tonight's reception.

I am not interested in canapes.

It's 1933, we are in the middle of the Great Depression.

Some people have no food at all, you know.

Of course. What about wardrobe, entertainment,

celebrity dinner guests?

I should like to meet some homeless people, please.

-What, ma'am?

-I'd like to know what we can do to help them.

OK. Anything else?

-Vets.

-Oh, is the White House doggy sick?

No, Army veterans.

I want to know what we can do to help them, too.

But Mrs Roosevelt, what will you wear?

Why, clothes, I should imagine.

I have far more important things to think about than dresses.

You're absolutely right.

-Shoes.

-How can I think about shoes when some people don't have any?

But Mrs Roosevelt, you must.

You're the first lady. You need to be a beacon of style.

Why, the former first lady, Dolly Madison,

spent 1,000 a year on turbans alone.

And I'm sure she looked perfectly pleasant, but I just want to help...

Help people, yeah, you said.

But please, Mrs Roosevelt, help me.

Can I at least show you your wardrobe?

Fine. Where is it?

It's right here.

My word!

You could house a family of six in there.

Please say you're not going to do that.

Far out! Shame all the presidents weren't like that lady.

Now, let's spin the wheel and see who's next.

President number 35, John F Kennedy.

The USA fell out with its close neighbour Cuba

because Cuba was going to store deadly nuclear missiles for Russia,

at the time, the USA's great enemy.

President Kennedy had to deal with the threat,

and he targeted the Cuban leader, Fidel Castro.

America's top-secret security services

devised some cunning ways to try and get rid of him.

I don't know, man, why can't people just get along?

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

-Sandra, send the guys through.

-Right away, sir.

Ah, gentlemen.

I hope you don't mind me eating, I'm a busy man.

Not at all, President Kennedy, sir.

This is Agent Bob.

Pleasure to meet you, President Kenny.

RECORD SCRATCHES AND STOPS

It's Kennedy, Bob.

Pleasure to meet you President Kenny Kennedy Bob, sir.

He's a maverick, sir. But he has the reflexes of a cat.

I also lick myself clean like a cat, sir.

Well, that's good to know.

Now. Listen, gentlemen, we have a problem down there in Cuba.

That President Fidel Castro is

getting a little too cosy with our enemies, the Russians.

What can you guys do about that?

Back at the CIA we refer to the Cuban President Castro as The Beard.

We've made various attempts to assassinate him,

all the time trying to make it look like an accident.

So far, without success.

-Cigar?

-Ah, cigar!

Clear.

I know smoking is bad for you, but...

I'm sorry, sir,

we made two attempts to assassinate The Beard using cigars.

That could have been an attempt on your life, sir.

Well, in that case, good work, Agent Bob.

You are welcome, Mister President Kenny Kennedy Bob, sir.

Milkshake! Get down, Mister President!

Don't tell me, you tried to kill Castro, sorry, The Beard,

-with a milkshake too?

-A poisonous one, yes.

-Target neutralised.

-Good work, Bob.

OK, Mister President, sir. It's time to reveal our latest plan.

-If you could demonstrate, Agent Bob?

-Yes, sir, sir.

Before he comes back, is there anything else I should

avoid mentioning that might set him off?

Yeah, quite a few, sir.

-Let me make a note.

-Not with a pen, sir.

We used one to try and smuggle a syringe full of poison into Cuba.

MUFFLED SPEECH

-Bob, Bob, you need to take the...

-Oh, sorry.

The Beard loves to scuba dive, Mister President, sir.

So our plan is to line this wet suit with a deadly disease,

and swap it with his...

-Hey!

-Sir, what are you eating for your main course?

A seafood platter.

Save yourself!

We packed a seashell with dynamite,

with the view that The Beard would pick it up when he was diving.

Have you considered just shooting him?

I might just write that down.

Shouldn't you...?

None of the assassination attempts on Castro worked,

and he lived to the ripe old age of 90.

Tragically, JFK himself was shot by a gunman

just two years into his presidency.

But, for better or worse,

every president has shaped the USA you know and love today.

As their reward, even when they've retired and someone else is running

the country, they get to keep the title Mister President

for the rest of their lives

Take it away, boys.

MUSIC: JIMI HENDRIX'S THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER

# I'm George Washington

# Born and raised in Virginia

# From a slave-owning family with a privileged upbringing

# I fought for the British but they taxed our stamps and tea

# It got us kind of thinking

We want to be free!

# It all kicked off at the Boston Tea Party

# We declared independence and fought to victory

# Signed the Treaty of Paris 1783

# I wasn't great at affection but my troops loved me

# I'm Abraham Lincoln and I'm kind of pretty famous

# Led the North against the South in the fight to end slavery

# They call me Honest Abe cos I didn't like to lie

# But if you're messing with this president

# I'm gonna make you cry!

# Had a pretty sweet beard and as leader I impressed

# Man, you should have heard me speaking at the Gettysburg Address

# When the Southern states surrendered in 1865

# As the Northern Union Leader it felt great to be alive

# Till John Wilkes Booth went and blew me away

# But that pesky little coward didn't get the final say

# They carved me on a mountain in the U S of A!

# You call us Mister President

# If we was alive today

# Always Mister President

# The title never goes away

# Call us Mister President

# We made the USA!

# I was Thomas Jefferson and really great at writing

# But I found public speaking kind of very frightening

# The Declaration of Independence, that was me

# I wrote All Men Are Equal but my slaves were never free

# Franklin D Roosevelt, president in the Great Depression

# My inaugural speech made a really great impression

# America was down cos it squandered all its wealth

# But I said, all we've got to fear is fear itself

# You'd call us Mister President

# If we was alive today

# Always Mister President

# The title never goes away

# Call us Mister President

# We made the USA!

# The oldest ever president, Ronald "Ronnie" Reagan

# I used to be an actor before leading this fine nation

# Planned for lasers in space, you think that was pretty sweet?

# Bought over three tonnes of jelly beans

# For an election victory greet

# To lead the USA

# Don't forget the White House was built by slaves

# So you want a healthcare plan? Well, yes, we can

# You call us Mister President

# If we was alive today

# Always Mister President

# The title never goes away

# Call us Mister President

# We made the USA

# All Mister Presidents were honoured to serve

# And you can take that to the bank

# Of the Federal Reserve! #

RAPID SPEECH

..clear!

What?

Just typical British animals, ha-ha!

Sir, have a go.

LAUGHTER

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #