Smash in the Attic Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People! Trying to have a conversation here.

And this is Lenny.

He's a man of many talents. This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

-Lenny, how can one man make so much mess?

-I did a course.

Every year you do this.

Yeah, well, it's a family tradition to do the new football sticker album.

We've been doing it every year. My dad has been doing it since the '70s.

Oh, hello. Only one more sticker to go here, Lenny, lad.

Oh, look at, that eh? Champion.

Get in there.

# Do the hustle! #

He taught me everything I know.

# Do the hustle!

# Do the hustle! #

I've got every football album going back to the 1960s.

Did they even have football back then?

Oh, yeah, but it was in black and white then.

Look, I've nearly finished this year's album.

I wonder why they call them stickers?

Lenny, just because your dad was an idiot,

-doesn't mean you have to be one, too.

-I think you'll find it does.

Oh, Lenny, no more. I've spent all day cleaning up sticker backs.

Oh, Jamie, while you're here, the hotel's run out of toilet paper.

Well, take some money from the safe.

I think the guests would prefer to use toilet paper.

No, no, I meant take some money from the safe and go and buy some.

Ah. This calls for an expert safe cracker.

MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS

Um, it's already open.

I owe you lots of money, signed Lenny.

That's not how you spell Lenny, Lenny.

-What have you done?

-I need to find the golden cup sticker.

It's the last one in the book and I can't find in anywhere.

I bought every packet that newsagents had. They're 99p each, you know.

So you've spent all of Hotel Trubble's money on stickers.

-No. Not all of it.

-Oh, thank goodness.

-I got a penny change.

-This is a disaster!

Hotel Trubble is broke.

No money means no hotel, and no hotel means no job.

What are we going to do?

We could always rob a bank. I've got a few contacts.

Nobody is robbing anything.

We'll be fine as long as we don't get any bills for a couple of days.

Morning.

-# Oh, yes, wait a minute, Mr Postman.

-Wait!

-# Wai-ai-ai-ait, Mr Postman.

-Wait, Mr Postman... #

We're doomed.

Is he on yet?

How should I know?

Oh, I love David Dickiedoodle.

Sell My Tat is my mid-morning treat. That and plucking my nose hair.

Ergh!

I don't know why you get so excited.

It's just a boring old antiques show.

Not just a boring old antiques show.

It's a boring antiques show starring David Dickiedoodle,

the hunkiest man on telly.

Hunky. Old walnut face.

I've seen hunkier hamsters.

-IN ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VOICE:

-For my next movie

-I'll be playing one of the great composers.

-Which one - Mozart?

No, I'll be Bach.

Well, if that's what you think,

maybe I can enjoy Sell My Tat on my own while you go back to work.

I think the beans need demoulding.

Oh, you mean THAT David Dickiedoodle?

I love his hunky...eyebrows.

More tea, Dolly?

-How do I look?

-Argh!

Oh, I mean, you look very... striking.

I don't know why we have to use this rubbish old teapot, it's useless.

Because that was the fist thing that Mr Trubble ever gave me.

That is worth a fortune, he says.

Well, after him calling me a bossy boots last night

I don't know why I hang on to it.

-I mean, I'm not a bossy boots, am I?

-Bu...

Of course I'm not. Just hurry up and pour me that tea.

Be quiet, it's starting.

I have to look my best for David...

You do realise he can't see you?

Although he can probably smell you.

Hush. Here he comes.

Hello.

Now this, Marjorie, is a vase.

Something you would use to display flowers.

It's not difficult. You fill it with water from a tap

and it helps to keep the flowers alive.

Now, I would say this is, what, three or four years' old,

that you bought it in a petrol station

and it's not worth more than a bag of peanuts.

SMASH!

All in all, I think we can call that a smashing buy.

What a hunk.

He is clever, handsome and rich.

-Did you say rich?

-Oh, yes.

He makes loads of money from buying and selling antiques.

Oh, really? Well maybe he's not such a wally after all.

I wonder if he needs an assistant.

Sally, can I have a word?

Yes, sure. Here's one - scram!

No, listen, listen.

Lenny has spent all of Hotel Trubble's money on football stickers

and now the hotel's skint. We have to do something.

Will you two be quiet, I can't hear David.

'That's all for today but tune in tomorrow when I'll be in Chesterham.

'So if you have any odds and sods which you think

'might be worth a bob or two,

'why not bring them along and sell your tat.'

Chesterham is just down the road.

There's loads of old tat in Hotel Trubble.

Some of it's got to be worth something.

If we can get David Dickiedoodle in here, maybe he can buy something.

That's such a good idea. With David Dickiedoodle in the hotel

I'll be in the perfect place to convince him

to take me on as his new assistant.

What? You hate antiques.

How dare you? I love them.

They're all old and dirty and...

Well they're going to get me on the TV and I'll be filthy rich.

But how are we going to get David Dickiedoodle into Hotel Trubble?

OK, I'll tell him that Hotel Trubble is full of priceless antiques and he

can have first dibs on anything he wants to buy.

There's got to be something in this hotel that's worth a packet.

And I'll be on the telly in no time.

I've just got to create the right impression

for when David Dickiedoodle gets here.

David Dickiedoodle in this hotel!

What a great idea.

I'll show Mr Trubble. When he hears I'm having tea with David

he'll be so jealous he won't care how bossy I am.

I'd better go and make myself irresistible.

Oh, take your time - you'll need it - and I'll start hunting.

Oh, the stickers! A little help here, please, Sally.

Sure.

Ow. What was that?

That's not helping.

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Oh, this is oak.

It's 1950s, it's covered in paint and it's worth about 50p.

And I tell you one thing, if you were to sell this at auction,

you wouldn't be opening the door to riches.

-Who is he talking to?

-I don't know.

But it's taken us 20 minutes to get from the car. It's really weird.

Now this is a carpet. It's a fine example.

It is a pre-1984 era, machine manufactured in cotton and polyester.

And if I told you what it was worth,

it would really pull the rug out from under you.

Oh, he's here, he's here.

Oh, he's...

Oh, that's a poor example of a mid-20th century older lady.

A bit rough round the edges,

showing signs of wear and tear, probably best left on the shelf.

It is wonderful to have you here, Mr Dickiedoodle.

Perhaps you would join me for tea later. Just the two of us.

I'm only here for the antiques and you don't count.

You little tease. Until later.

So, where are these hundreds of antiques you promised?

You'd better not be lying to me.

Mr Dickiedoodle, is there any chance you can lend us a quid?

Not now, Lenny. Of course I haven't been lying to you, David.

We've got so many antiques here at Hotel Trubble,

it'll take you ages to see them all.

I tell you what, why don't you stay the night for free

and I'll bring the best of Hotel Trubble's tat...

tat-ally brilliant antiques collection straight to your door.

A free night's stay? You're on.

I can never resist a bargain.

Sally.

Good afternoon, Mr Dickiedoodle.

May I say you are looking incredibly hunky today.

Please, call me David.

What's wrong with Sally? Has she become a librarian?

Shut up, Lenny.

As I was saying, I absolutely love antiques

and I'd do anything to be on your show Mr Dicki... David.

Really? Well, let's give you a little test.

Starting now. What is the Mona Lisa?

-It's a pizza shop up the high street.

-What is a gramophone?

-Something you use to call your grandma.

-Time.

Very good. I mean, you obviously know nothing at all about antiques,

but you have a very pretty voice, and that's what counts.

And if you can learn about antiques before I leave,

I could be persuaded to take you on.

In the meantime, you can start by memorising this.

It's a book written by me, full of facts which will help you learn.

1,001 Things.

Available from all good bookshops now.

-It looks rubbish.

-Shut up, Lenny.

So, could someone show me to my room?

Yes, Lenny, come on.

Right this way.

Right. Now Dave's checked in, I've go the all afternoon

to find some valuable old tat,

sell it to him and make enough money to save Hotel Trubble.

Well, let me see, Mrs Gullible.

This is a teddy bear, it's stuffed and covered in fur.

It's worth about £2.50. That is, if you can bear to part with it.

If you can bear to... I'm funny.

Ha, ha, ha(!) Well, that's everything.

I've showed him every single old thing in the hotel,

and none of it is worth a penny.

There must be something else old I can find.

What about my socks? They're really old.

I was wondering what that smell was.

I thought someone had left cheese in a drawer and forgotten about it.

Thanks for reminding me, Sally.

Isn't there anything else in that book that can help us?

Well, it says the most valuable antiques are usually found

in posh, stylish places that have been lovingly looked after.

Does it say anything about what you might find in a place like this?

Well, I can look in the index. Shall I look under "mouldy" or "fleapit"?

Don't be such a tease, Mr Dickiedoodle.

-Come on, it's time for tea.

-Right, that's it. I'm leaving.

There's obviously nothing valuable in this hotel

and that woman is a menace.

No, Mr Dickiedoodle. I've been saving the best until last.

The most valuable thing in the hotel is...

-This.

-Really?

-Yeah. Mr Trubble said it was worth loads.

Oh, right, well, let's see. Oh, my.

Oh, just as I thought.

Well, it's very distinctive.

-What is it? Victorian?

-Tudor?

Pound Universe.

What? That is priceless.

I think you mean worthless.

It's a piece of junk, my dear, deluded dunderhead,

and if you think this is valuable

then you must be completely tea potty.

Mr Trubble said it was worth a fortune.

Not only does he call me a bossy boots, he lied to me as well.

As for you Sally, if that's all you've learned about antiques

you can forget about being my assistant.

We're doomed. The hotel is skint,

it's going to close and we'll all be forced to sleep on the streets.

I'll never get on the telly.

-I don't believe it. Look what I've found.

-Is it a priceless antique?

-A route to stardom?

-Even better than that - a pound in my pocket.

I'll be able to buy a pack of stickers now.

I might even be able to finish this year's football sticker album.

My 50-year collection will be complete.

50 years of football sticker albums, did you say?

Do you think I could come and have a look see?

Well, this certainly shows what you can achieve

if you stick to your guns.

Who are you talking to, Mr Dickiedoodle?

Sorry, force of habit. There's usually a camera there.

So, this is every football album since 1960.

Yep. All except one last sticker.

Well, tell me all about them.

Oh, OK. Well, this is the first sticker that my dad ever collected.

He found this stuck to the bottom of his shoe one day in 1960.

And this, this is the second sticker.

He found this while he was helping a toad cross the road

early one morning, or was it...

No, it was definitely a toad. Or was it a frog? I can't remember.

I swapped with my mate Billy for two stinkbombs, and this

is the empty space where the golden cup sticker will go

once I find it, Mr Dickiedoodle.

Mr Dickiedoodle. Hello.

Gosh, is it morning already?

Let's get this straight. Apart from the missing sticker,

you have every complete football album since 1960?

-Yep.

-Bingo!

No, football. Why, do you think they are worth much?

Ah, well, talking of value, what you have to take into account, Lenny, is

that every one of these stickers has been used. Do you look at them much?

-Yeah, every day.

-Lenny, Lenny, you shouldn't do that. It wears them out.

Yes, I can see where your eyes have dented them.

I don't think you'd expect to get much for that.

But I tell you what, if you like, I could just take them off your hands.

Oh, no, Mr Dickiedoodle. My sticker albums are not for sale, I'm afraid.

They're worth more to me than money.

-Toffees?

-Deal.

Shake.

Close enough.

Lenny! You'll never guess what? I found your sticker albums

in Mr Dickiedoodle's book, and they're worth a fortune.

Oh, bless, he's speechless.

-There's no need to thank me.

-We can sell them to David Dickiedoodle.

And he'll make me his new assistant for being so clever.

I'm already way ahead of you.

-Me and Mr Dickiedoodle have already made a deal.

-Fantastic.

What did you get for them?

-Oh, 15, 20.

-What, thousand?

No, toffees. Do you want one?

That swindling swine.

Wait until I get my hands on him. Where is he?

Oh, he went out the window.

He went out saying,

"Mwah-ha-ha-ha! I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm out of here."

What? What about my job?

Oh, no, he did have a message for you, actually, Sally.

-Really?

-He said, "Tell Sally there's more chance of me laying an egg

"than her ever getting on TV. Mwah-ha!"

So you're telling me I've read this boring book

from cover to cover for nothing?

Never mind that, he's taken Lenny's sticker books with him.

We have to get them back.

-They're Hotel Trubble's only chance.

-Stuff that.

I'm only interested in one thing.

Toffees?

No, revenge.

-We need to lure him back.

-I know, but how?

Ah, not a clue.

You could always tempt him with a priceless antique.

We tried that, Mrs P. There's nothing valuable in the whole hotel.

No one said it had to be a genuine priceless antique.

You mean trick him with a fake?

Well, let's just say this - I've had some experience in that area.

Now, what you need is something irresistible,

something like...

Oh, the Golden Emperor's teapot.

It says it's worth millions.

But it went missing years ago and nobody knows where it is.

So it could be here then, couldn't it?

Mrs P! If you think I'm going to say yes to that dastardly,

devious plan, you're absolutely right.

We take a tatty old teapot, a bit of gold paint, and bish, bash, bosh.

We swap it for the sticker albums and the hotel is saved.

Yeah, and I'll get my revenge on that day-glow, butt-faced buffoon.

Well, if you need a helping hand,

remember, Fingers McCafferty taught me everything I know.

All we need is a tatty old teapot to make into our fake.

And I think we both know where we can find one of those. Aah!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

Ha-ha, ah-ha-ha!

-Jamie.

-Sorry.

-Please.

-Please.

Get up, the pair of you.

Of course you can have it.

It's not like it's worth anything anyway, is it?

Mr Trubble lied to me. And to think I trusted him.

As for that Dickie do-do,

he didn't have the courtesy to have a single cup of tea.

I've gone right off him. Men!

-Right, Sally.

-On it.

Let's get crafty.

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Jamie.

-Yeah, we should... Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, who is this?

Hello, Mr Dickiedoodle, this is Sally from Hotel Trubble.

Didn't you get my message?

I said there's more chance of me laying an egg...

Than me ever being on the telly. Mwah-ha-ha...

Yeah, I know, Mr Dickiedoodle.

It's just, I've found this teapot.

I've had it up to here with your teapots.

Yeah, but it's just this one looks a bit like one from your book,

the Golden Emperor's teapot or something.

What? Is it solid gold?

-Yep.

-And is it covered in little silver discs?

All the silver discs you could ever want.

Sally, this is very important. Is it signed on the bottom?

Well it will be in a minute

- I mean, yeah, and it looks sort of Chinese or something.

The Emperor's Golden teapot! It must be.

Sally, I'm coming straight back.

Now, don't show that teapot to anyone and take good care of it.

Oh, of course we'll take good care of it.

What sort of people do you take us for?

Not a bad likeness if I say so myself.

Hands off that teapot.

-I call first dibs.

-We were hoping to make a deal, Mr Dickiedoodle.

See, we think this golden teapot might be quite valuable.

Quite valuable. Let me see the bottom.

Of the teapot.

This is your big chance, David, son.

It's not bad, I suppose.

This is our deal.

You can have this teapot if we can have Lenny's sticker books back.

Is he turning into a werewolf?

It sounds like he is turning into a werewolf.

All right, I'll do it.

The sticker books are yours.

You idiots! The sticker books may be worth thousands,

but this is the emperor's golden teapot,

and it's worth millions.

I tricked you again, just like I trick every dimwit bumble-brain

who lets me anywhere near their antiques.

Hang on, I've either got the golden touch or this paint is still wet.

Pound Universe?

You devious little swines!

All in all, it was a very tricky situation,

but I hope you like your teapot.

He must do. He's boiling already.

I'll show you what I think of this worthless teapot.

And as for you, you'll never make it as a TV expert

because you haven't got what it takes.

What's that? A bright orange face?!

Brilliant. Now we've got the albums back we can save the hotel.

What do you mean, save the hotel?

The hotel's broke because I used all the money in the safe

to buy some football stickers.

But don't worry, I can sell my albums.

It is my fault.

Oh, look at this, guys. I think that teapot is worth something after all.

It's full of cash!

Well, so that's what Mr Trubble meant

when he told you it was worth a fortune.

This must have been stuffed down the spout all along.

No wonder it never poured properly.

I should have known he wouldn't lie to me! Oh, Trubbie! He loves me!

There's enough here to cover all our bills. Hotel Trubble is saved.

-Well, that is unless...

-Take it. Take it.

Mr Trubble loved this hotel and I love him. It's the least I can do.

-Oh, thanks, Dolly.

-Is there any chance I can borrow a quid?

-I still need to get that final sticker.

-Lenny!

Is this what you're looking for?

Oh, the last sticker in my book!

Oh, thanks, Mrs Poshington.

Where did you find it?

I had some gold paint and some silver tinfoil

-and a bit of time to kill.

-So it's... (a fake.)

-That's very thoughtful, Mrs P.

-Oh, nothing at all.

I was just tired of cleaning up all these sticker backs.

PHONE RINGS Fair enough. Now we won't have to put up with any more stickers.

Until next year, maybe.

Hello, Hotel Trub...

I can't...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd