Trubble 1900 Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our receptionist...

-People, I'm trying to have a conversation here!

-And this is Lenny.

He's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly, she's Mr Trubble's, ahem, fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie - I'm the bellboy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

THUD

SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

HIGH-PITCH HORN-LIKE NOISE

Well, that's the last time I make trifle.

-Morning, Jim lad.

-Morning, Miss Shufflebottom.

-Any guests yet, miss?

-No.

-Oh.

-Oh, buck up, Jim lad!

So, the hotel's utterly empty and has been since it opened.

I haven't got a vote, nor have I got the right

to own a property, but you don't see me frowning.

-No, miss.

-Mostly because my newsletter says that doing so

causes wrinkles something chronic.

You're right, miss, I'll stops me worrying.

It's not like Lord Trubble'll close this place down, is it?

Not after one week.

This is... In the...! Agh!

What is it, Mr Lemon, sir?

This is a telegram from Lord Trubble.

He's heard we don't have any guests, and is going to...

He's going to shut the place down!

It's pretty clear - it says if we don't get a guest by noon today,

he's going to shut us down.

We are doomed, doomed, I tell you.

Doomed! Doomed!

Well, cheer up, sir, it's only ten past ten.

We could totally get a guest in the next, er, one hour fifty minutes.

Hello, everybody.

I am Lady Euphemia Dorothy Smythe.

You can call me Lady Euphemia Dorothy Smythe.

A guest, see? We're saved!

Er, I'm not a guest.

Then, pray tell, why are you here, madam?

Why, to turn this place into a pig sanctuary, of course!

-A what?

-A pig sanctuary - for smelly pigs!

For pigs too abnormally reeky to live live in normal farms.

You can't do that to Hotel Trubble.

Well, my dear friend Lord Trubble says that I can.

From noon, he says I can do whatever I want with the place.

Not if we get a guest first.

Really, how likely is that to happen

in the next hour-and-three-quarters? Good day.

Lords Lummie, we are doomed! Doomed!

Doomed... Oh, sweeties! Hands free!

-Hello!

-A guest! Definitely this time!

Really? Oh!

Oh, I'm not a guest, my dear.

I'm your local door-to-door fortune teller.

Anyone want to see into the future?

-I sees...

-Do you see us saving this place from a hoard of homeless hogs?

Not so far.

Ah! I sees something's coming up.

It's about a big leaky old boat.

Could it be...the Titanic?

How about something useful?

Yes, like the future of the women's movement,

or how long these ridiculous big fake bums will be in?

How about something related to the hotel?

I sees the hotel is coming up!

I sees your great-grandson, Mr Lemon.

Oh, do you, do you?

Is he just like me, rich, powerful, intelligent?

Well, he's very like you.

Sorry I'm late again, Jamie.

What this time? Your dog ate your bus money?

Your dog ate your bus timetable?

Your dog ate your bus?

Don't be silly, Jamie.

-I wouldn't make up a daft excuse like that.

-Why are you late, then?

My alarm clock didn't go off.

Why?

-My dog ate it.

-BEEPING, AND DOG BARKS

Ride 'em, cowboy! Yee-ha!

Argh! Argh!

HE SCREAMS

Now all we need is a bride.

Someone who really wants to win that cash prize.

And who would look very, very beautiful in a wedding dress.

A master criminal won't draw attention to himself.

He's not going to turn up to work dressed in a chicken costume, is he?

No, who'd do a daft thing like that?

Lenny... COCKEREL CROWS

What? Agh!

Please, after you.

-TEARING

-Sorry. Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Maybe you should go first.

-Lenny!

-ARGH!

No harm done.

Smart clothes are so expensive, and this was going cheap.

HE BELCHES

Shake?

-Right, is this OK?

-Higher.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Is this OK?

No, move the aerial higher.

OK, Lenny, don't push the lever until I tell you, OK?

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off you... #

BANG!

Out. Out!

How dare you spread such a pack of wicked lies, madam?!

No-one related to me could possibly be such a clumsy fool!

THUD

-Why, I ought to...

-Forget the fortune-teller, sir,

we've got bigger problems.

90 minutes, and then it's curtains for this place.

But we've only just had the new ones!

She means 90 minutes till Lord Trubble shuts us down!

Oh, well, why didn't she say that?

You see, that's the problem, Jim - women, impossible to understand!

How's about I goes and gets a guest?

-And how are you going to do that?

-I can go down to town

and tell everyone they can have two nights for the price of one.

Brilliant. Apart from the two for one bit.

Yes, what we need is buns.

Buns, sir?

Yes, everybody loves a good bun.

Tell them stay at Hotel Trubble and get a free bun.

Folk won't be able to resist. Problem solved! Chop, chop.

-Oh, knickerbockers! Pardon my French.

-What is it?

We haven't got any good buns. Only those ones you made.

Well, we can't afford a trained chef, Jim,

and I'm doing the best I can in the kitchen.

Yes, miss. I'd hate to see your worst, miss.

Buns, hey?

I'll have one. Eat anything, I will.

I don't even mind if they're not perfect.

-Cribbly!

-SHE COUGHS

Still, anything's worth a try if we're going to save this place

from the chop - the pork chop.

He's really taken a fancy to the hotel, hasn't he?

Wait till you check out his great-grandson!

You'll have to look after the hotel while we watch the game.

Wow, Jamie, you never let anyone but you look after the hotel.

I know, and I'm trusting you to keep an eye on her, Sally,

don't let me down.

It's OK, my darling, I'll be with you soon.

# Love is in the air

# Every sight and every sound... #

I'm Jamie, the groom.

And this is my beautiful bride.

No!

Jamie, do you know what?

If you love the hotel so much, why don't you just marry it?

I tried, OK? They wouldn't let me.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

-I could almost kiss you.

-Sally, I could kiss you.

-OK.

-I said, almost.

You could kiss me if you like, Jamie.

Get it away, get it away, get it away!

Jamie, there's no need to cry.

-I know it means a lot to you.

-Yeah.

Also, you're standing on my foot.

If they want a war, they can have a war.

HE CACKLES

Hilarious. He is not the man he... Ooh!

-What was that?

-I said, he's not the man he used to be!

I'm a flaming idiot!

Is this guy for real? He is hilarious.

This is all the entertainment I need.

-Yeah!

-BOOING FROM CROWD

-Yeah.

-No.

You can quit if you want.

I know how much you hate to embarrass yourself.

Feel free just to say, I quit.

Jamie.

Pull your pants up.

-Cripes!

-I know!

-Do you want to see your descendants, my dear?

-Oh, there's no need.

I'm sure they're just like me, very interested in women's issues.

Very interested in issues of women's magazines, perhaps.

Pardon?

The stars' best-kept beauty secret for eliminating wrinkles.

Do this simple exercise 20 times a day.

It must be working by now. Let me have a look?

Argh!

Custard cream?

A plague on your custard creams! Staff only, sorry.

Hey, Sally.

Listen up, bacon breath!

Try not be am miserable old bum-faced miser for the next two hours.

You know what I'm going to say, don't you?

-That you regret having such a flat, square head.

-No!

Ta-daa!

# Trubble, Trubble! #

You should think to what you're good at,

filing your nails and reading magazines.

Sally, give one to Halle.

My pleasure!

Jamie!

Arrrrgh!

Please put me on the news. MAN SCREAMS

I'm a bimbo?!

Go, Madonna!

Start answering the phones instead of breaking them!

You shan't be appearing on Haunted Places Live.

-And I won't be your glamorous assistant?

-Definitely not.

Dr Baines, I feel all faint again.

Rescue me, again!

MUSIC: "Y'all Ready For This?" by 2 Unlimited

# Y'all ready for this? #

Are you OK, Sally? Something you ate?

All right, I'll do it, but only because I am being nice today.

-What?

-I'll pretend to be your wife.

Ah, no, because I told them my wife was tall and beautiful

and glamorous and all sophisticated and a real catch.

But you'll do.

Take this before I hit him with it!

PHONE RINGS Hello! Hotel... Stay down.

That's better.

Oh, stop the hurt!

But she's so rude!

I mean, she does have good hair,

really, really good hair,

but I'm not sure that makes up for her dreadful character.

CROWD SHOUTING OUTSIDE

No-one in town liked my buns.

-They chucked them back at me.

-That must have hurt.

-Hey!

And then they threw some more stuff, to boot,

and then some boots, to boot!

And now we've only got 30 minutes to save the world!

I mean, the hotel.

I don't think Lord Trubble should wait any longer.

I think he should shut down the hotel right now.

Miss Shufflebottom, what are you saying?

Well, from what I have just seen,

Hotel Trubble doesn't seem worth saving.

Ghastly place. Ghastly staff.

You're wrong, Miss. I won't let you say those things.

Please, Ma'am, show her some good things about this place.

# Everybody in love, go on, put your hands up

# Everybody in love, go on, put your hands up

# Everybody in love, go on, put your hands up

# If you're in love, put your hands up

# Every minute's like an hour

# Every hour's like a day

# Every day lasts forever

# But what else am I gonna do? #

Let's do it.

-I've got it!

-Well, if you've got it, then we've got it, too, now.

# The power, the might

# You can't believe the hype

# At Hotel Trubble, oh, yeah! #

-Hotel Trubble is saved!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

And I owe it all to you.

Oh, thanks! What can I say?

-I sort of meant to all three of you.

-Oh.

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

Jamie, Jamie, it's all worked out brilliant.

-Everyone is going to want to stay here.

-All thanks to Hotel Trubble!

# This situation has burst our bubble... #

HE BURPS LOUDLY

# But no-one can rhyme, so we made up the lubble

# No, we don't want to have a pile of rubble

# So please help us save

# Help us save

# Yes, help us save

# Hotel Trubble. #

Going in for a kiss.

No, I'm not ready.

All right. It might not be all bad if we save the hotel.

Yes!

But.. but I don't see how we can.

We've got five minutes. Who is going to turn up now?

I am Lady Euphemia Dorothy... No, I've done that bit.

-GRUNTING AND RUMBLING

-Hark!

The sound of pongy piggies pounding the pavement.

Here they come.

What are we going to do?

We've tried buns, we've tried meddling with the laws of causality.

I don't know what else we can do.

Well, what are you worrying about, my dears?

Equal rights, equal pay,

and whether I'd look good in those jegging things you showed me earlier.

And the fact we're to be closed down because we have no guests.

Well, stop it.

How can the hotel be closed today

when I have already shown it to you open all those years in the future?

Look, my dears, your hotel is going to have hundreds of guests.

We've arrived!

# All the people

# So many people

# And they all go hand in hand

# Hand in hand through their... #

SALLY SCREAMS It's my favourite band, JLZ!

Hotel Trubbleski?

Boris is here!

I'm newscaster Ed Flaxman.

Your mince pies are like slimy bras.

You're dreamy.

-Very odd man.

-Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

Don't you know who I am?

Yeah, you're Sir Alex Farteson, England manager.

-And?

-And the most respected and feared football coach in the world.

And?

The inventor of the electric whisk!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

I am Herr Style, respect me!

Don't give me excuses, I want results! If I can't have results,

I want solutions. Then I want heads to roll, then I want results,

then I'll have a cheese sandwich.

Lenny, he had this idea that you were a vampire!

It sounds silly when you say it out loud.

But I am a vampire.

THEY SCREAM

Wait, come back! You don't understand.

Come back here!

SHE ROARS

I didn't see that coming!

This time, I will find the relic.

The relic which is undoubtedly somewhere in this hotel.

I love you as a friend! It's not you, it's me!

SHE ROARS

We're going to need to make some teensy-weensy modifications.

-To what?

-You.

-Eh?

Ta-dah!

# Dude looks like a lady

# Yeah, yeah, dude looks like a lady... #

Shhh! The walls have ears.

Really? I only came up because I was told the tap had a leak.

Don't you dare!

MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix

# Yeah, foxy... #

It's fine, you're fine.

Everything is absolutely...

-Fine.

-What are you staring at?

I suppose you think there's something weird about a billionaire

swimming about in a bath full of his own lovely money?

You wouldn't recognise Dwayne Looney if he walked in

and wanted to book a room.

-Can I book a room?

-Sorry, sir, we're discussing Dwayne Looney.

He IS Dwayne Looney!

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-This gym is great.

-I know, I never even knew it existed.

-I'm impressed.

Very nice.

Come to mummy! Oh, my little pinky,

stinky, homeless, porky darlings!

-CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE

-But we need a guest right now.

You've got one, my dears.

The name is Poshington, Mrs Poshington. Check me in.

-Hurrah!

-Hooray, hooray! Thank you, thank you!

Oh, poot! Excuse my flipping French.

Never mind, little darlings.

Let's go back to the Ritz.

No, Cedric, don't do that to Jemima, you know she doesn't like it.

Hotel Trubble, I'll be back.

But, Mrs Poshington?

-Yes?

-Why not check in straight away?

Well, it was a little test, dear boy.

I wanted to see if I liked the place.

You see, I plan on staying for...

quite some time.

SHE YODELS

Watch where you're going, you silly old ba...

HE SCREAMS

Dogs aren't as friendly as they used to be.

Christmas seems so far away. It used to be a lot nearer.

Nobody, but nobody, calls me grandma and gets away with it!

-What about your grandchildren?

-Except my grandchildren, of course.

Oi!

It cannot be! Mrs Poshington!

I'm a huge fan, you is the man!

I go to all this effort and they go crazy for the cleaner?!

Cheek!

Oh, Mrs P, I could kiss you!

Loosen my corsets, I'm all of a quiver!

# Girls were made to love and kiss... #

-I can't do it.

-Oh, well, please yourself. See if I care.

-Hang on, what's going on?

-Oh, don't worry about this,

Mrs P's just trying out the new jetpacks. Right...

Off you go, Mrs P!

Mrs P?

Mrs P?

Ohh! That zorbing malarkey, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Hang on, what's that sound?

That was the greatest ride of my life.

-Mrs P!

-Oh, did I do something wrong?

It's too late now, it's too late for the... You!

-Why, I'm going to...

-This is our first guest.

..take your bags upstairs myself.

And who is this little chap?

This, sir, is Private Sirius Edward Cantaloupe Poshington, First Class.

What an adorable little kitten.

SNARLING AND CRUNCHING

I almost don't mind that he's just bitten off the end of my finger!

Oh no, wait - I do.

HE SCREAMS

ALL TALK AT ONCE

..the fingerprinting on these knobs with the bits...

There was no discussion about the fingerprinting!

-I've got the fingers right here!

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel Trubble?

-Can you stop shouting?

-Stop shouting!

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team, staying calm, on and on, so the hotel survives

# Trubble Trubble, keep the hotel alive. #