Trubble 1900 Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People! Trying to have a conversation here!

And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly, she is Mr Trubble's, ahem, fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know it, stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on so the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble...

# Keep the hotel alive! #

If you told me this is how I was going to end up, I would eat my hat.

Which would be stupid

because hats are the only accessory I can actually deal with these days.

Hotel Trubble.

Joint third in the Cleanest Spoons category

of the Intergalactic Hotel Awards, 4011.

Mind you, it is quite a stylish award, isn't it, Lenny?

Processing visual.

Visual complete. Affirmative.

Yes, the award is very stylish.

Yeah.

Oh, poor Jamie.

2657 years he's been waiting to be manager.

-He's still just the bellboy!

-What was that?

-Nothing.

Anyway, I've got an announcement to make.

What is that machine?

No idea.

Anyway, having successfully steered the hotel to finish joint third

in the Cleanest Spoons category

at the Intergalactic Hotel Awards, 4011,

I feel I have reasonable expectation of being promoted.

And why do I have this feeling?

Because Mr Trubble is finally going to arrive! Oh, yeah!

Oh, crumpets.

I don't want him to see me like this. He'll dump me.

I knew that 'trade your old body in for a new one' scheme was a rip-off.

Look at me, I'm just...

Is it night-time already? Oh, fair enough.

Night everybody.

Works every time. Anyway, where is he?

He was meant to be here at 80 past 40.

So he's already five minutes late.

CRASH AND RUMBLE

Quick, everybody, keep calm, everybody.

That's just Mr Trubble teleporting in.

Do I look managerial enough? Do I?

Hello! Sorry I'm late.

You know what the M11,000,000 can be like between Jupiter and Mars!

Anyway, kneel before me, space losers!

-Who are you?

-Assumption - it is Mr Trubble.

No, it isn't. Not unless he's had plastic surgery.

And put on a lot of weight.

And grown one of his legs back. And changed his voice.

And come back alive again.

You are quite right, Jamie!

Mr Trubble retired several years after his death.

His consciousness now resides in a small toaster on Mars.

I am the new head of Trubble Incorporated.

-Sorry, what?

-I know what you're thinking.

I'm too young and glamorous to be in charge of

an intergalactic hospitality company!

-Not really.

-Thank you! I moisturise!

Anyway, let the presentation begin!

Sorry, what presentation?

Oh, the Hotel Trubble presentation.

Observe!

-To see how things have changed around here.

-'Opening file.'

Ow!

# This is how we do it... #

This place used to be a lot of fun.

THEY SCREAM

I'm so sorry!

I am the world-famous magician David Copperbottom!

And this is my glamorous assistant Sally...

My glamorous and unpredictably violent assistant Claudia Chiffon!

Meet the future of hotel staffing.

Dolly, what is that?

This is the Bell Boy Bot 3000!

-So, what do you think?

-Amazing.

-Fantastic.

Ridiculous.

Relax, darling, I haven't heard anyone complaining.

Are you sure?

Don't you think we're being a bit lax with our customer care at the moment?

No, you're looking at it wrong.

Bon appetit.

OK, we've got denim and sushi. There you go, you can have that one.

This one, look at this - pepper, plaster and parsnip. Hey!

Carrot and hand cream. Whoa!

Look that that one!

And, oh, just vanilla left.

-Vanilla?

-No.

-Er, vanilla and pencil shavings.

-Now you're talking!

70% of our customers say

they've never stayed anywhere like this before.

80% say they would tell their friends,

and the other 20% say they'd tell the police.

So, in conclusion,

people come to Hotel Trubble because all the other hotels are...

-Lenny, step away from the screen!

-Processing visual.

-Amazing.

-That's your predecessor.

When you were built, your prototype was based on a real person.

-The Lenny you just saw.

-Expressing confusion.

-What?

-We upgraded you.

I've heard tales of the old Lenny

that would make your circuitry run cold.

-Fortunately, all those bugs have now been ironed out.

-Bugs?!

The original Lenny was happy!

-What is happy? Does not compute.

-Maybe this will help.

It's from your personal file, Len Bot.

Lenny!

Why do you always have to embarrass me?

Never fear, everyone - Bee Man is here!

Hello, Lenny.

Who is this Lenny character you speak of?

I am Bee Man, international superhero, with the power of a bee!

The key-ring earring - stylish and youthful.

The past, the future,

all the secret wonders of the galaxy are mine to discover!

Ha ha ha!

Right after I've emptied the bins in room 311.

I can fit all 12 of my fingers inside my mouth.

Hang on, 12?

Why? Why?

You look like some sort of massive bell boy.

I am a bell boy.

Jamie, I've got so much starch in this collar,

I literally can't breathe.

MAKES CHOKING NOISES

THEY SCREAM

Jamie, oh, you're back.

You're back. And your front, as well.

Now, are there any questions?

-Are those your real teeth?

-What?

Nothing.

All right, Lenny, so you're now playing a number of characters.

-Sally. FEMALE VOICE:

-Hello, my lovely.

Mr Trubble. JAMIE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

-Mrs Poshington. FEMALE VOICE:

-Hello, my lovely.

-And, of course, Lenny.

-I still don't get him.

I wasn't expecting that.

Biting old ladies is overrated. Please don't make me do it again.

-Ahh...

-THUD

Alert, alert, idiot detecting.

Indeed. But don't you think he looks like he enjoys being an idiot?

-The Lenny 3,000 was built to be efficient, he can't just...

-What?

He can't just what?

Processing visual. Delicious.

Expressing delight.

Mmm, it's lovely.

Hang-a-lang a minute here.

You can't just swan in here with your big beard

and your fancy ideas and change everything.

We're already doing everything right.

We're efficient, we're clean.

So where is your cleaner?

Please. We don't have a cleaner any more.

We have an iPoshinngton.

Hello, dear. I'm the iPoshington.

I have two functions, cleaning and destroying.

-Have you Hoovered room 102, iPoshington?

-Yes, dear.

I cleaned it, then I destroyed it.

I wonder if you remember the good old days, Mrs Poshington?

Oh, no, no, no. I'd rather you didn't.

There's no need.

Oh, dear.

Coo-ee, cleaner!

Mary Queen of Yucksville!

-What sort of horse-eyed harridan are you?

-Oh, nasty.

Ta-daa!

Take that!

And that.

And that.

Oh! Shh.

I will hush your mouth with a...

..with a kiss.

Mrs P!

Did somebody scream in a really irritating voice?

Get filing, Jamie.

You can't have a sheep in the hotel, Jamie.

You'll make Dolly BAA-king mad.

Ta-daa!

SMASH!

Oo-o-o-o-h!

I've had eight husbands.

I've had an idea.

-Not you, Antiques Roadshow.

-How rude!

Nothing surprises me.

Hmmm. I quite like this lady after all.

She has vim.

Hmm. Doesn't look like you did that much cleaning.

How dare you. I was extremely hardworking.

Then answer me this.

-Dustpan and...

-Fingers.

-Spit and...

-Barnacles.

-Vacuum...

-Nuggets.

-I rest my case.

-OK, what is it you want from me?

I want you to go back to being the work-shy,

slovenly old trout you were before.

-But why on earth?

-Because she was much more fun that way.

Also, there's no such thing as an iPoshington.

This hotel is encrusted with filth.

Nonsense. Look at...

Oh.

That explains why we came last in the cleanest forks category.

Oi, oi, oi, coo-ee.

That's better. I love a trip down memory lane, me.

It's one of the few lanes you can walk down without legs.

Here, let's take a look at my file then.

I am Dolly, girlfriend of Mr Trubble.

I am the maker of the breakfast and the former Miss Midlands 1989.

# She's a monster

# Beautiful monster

# Beautiful monster

# But I don't mind. #

Oh! I can't see. I can't see.

Anyone got any ideas?

I'm assuming any ideas we come up with will be ignored?

-That's correct.

-Then no.

So tell me, why exactly do you talk in that horrible voice?

# Fun, baby, fun fun, fun times... #

I don't believe it. Dolly!

I used to have your picture on my wall.

When will you release a new single?

Oh, I'm not in the music business any more.

Let's not be so hasty.

# I've got Trubble on my mind

# Mr Trubble on my mind

# I'm just a woman of a certain age

# He's just a man... #

Oh, what is his age?

# Well, I guess he's the wrong side of 68. #

-How was that?

-Terrible.

-Shocking.

-I knew it.

Sorry, I was just listening to the football results.

# She's a monster

# She's a monster

# Beautiful monster

# Beautiful monster

# Beautiful monster

# But I don't mind. #

You three, my office.

Aren't you forgetting the magic word?

Oh, yeah. Now!

See, told you I was stylish.

Those were the days.

I looked like a young Phyllis McKenzie.

Who's Phyllis McKenzie?

Someone who looks like an older version of me.

I'd forgotten how much fun we had.

Indeed, perhaps if you had more fun,

then you might get the one thing you're really missing.

Guests!

Oh! Guests.

Good morning, darlings.

-Ooo-aaar, ooo-aar, morning.

-Agh! Ah, sheep.

SHE SHOUTS

Tired now, need cake.

My name is Mr Baker. Mr Baker!

And I would never let you win the hotel competition,

not if you were the last hotel on earth!

Mate, if you want to stay in this hotel, you have to book a room.

So, yes or no! Do you want a room?!

-Yes, please.

-That's better.

I wanted to say thank you.

I got the best album cover of my career.

This is the wildest, crummiest hotel I've ever stayed in.

-Who are you?

-I'm Derek.

Uh-oh!

HORN

Nice.

HE SLURPS LOUDLY

Aaaargh!

HE BURPS

-TOILET FLUSHES

-It is I, the evil destructor.

Actually, I wouldn't go in there for a bit.

When I'm asleep, I do not like to be disturbed. Understand?

When I'm disturbed it makes me very cross.

And you do not want to see me when I am cross.

Here's a picture of me when I'm cross.

-Argh!

-That's the whole point of this presentation. Guests!

Thanks for that presentation, it was very informative.

-We haven't seen your file yet, Jamie.

-No time, what a shame.

-Embarrassed about what they might reveal?

-Of course no!

I was loads of fun too, guys.

You'll see.

Never fear, it is I, Jamie.

The handsome, soon-to-be manager bell boy.

AUDIENCE BOO

This is nonsense, he's making a fool of himself.

At least he hasn't been hit on the head with a lettuce.

# It's been a hard day's night

# And I've been working like a dog

# It's been a hard day's night

# I should be sleeping like a log. #

22 seconds, very slow.

This couldn't be more painful. Argh!

Trubbley wants the uniform to be redesigned.

But I love this uniform.

I'm never out of it.

We've noticed.

It's comfy.

Wow, have you been wearing that the whole time?

It's comfortable.

I'm going to enjoy Entertainment Thursday

almost as much as I enjoyed Tidy Your Office Tuesday.

I've got an idea that I'm confident

will blow your socks off.

Guys! That's the last time we host the Whacky Inventors Trade Fair.

The guy in room 506 told me he invented a time machine.

Just think where you could go with all of time as your playground.

I'd zip 30 years forward into the future

where I'd absolutely, definitely be manager of the hotel.

Why am I still a bell boy?

There must be some mistake. I should be manager by now. HELP!

Why aren't I the manager? Ouch!

I am the bell boy of Hotel Trubble.

And nothing, not even a stupid, ridiculous robot

is ever going to stand in my way.

-He's behind me, isn't he? ALL:

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

One minute. Hello, Hotel Trubble.

-It's for you.

-Who is it?

-Mr Whack In The Face.

-Mr Whack In The Face?

Yeah... I don't think he was that much fun.

-He's exactly the same.

-No, I wasn't.

-But we're forgetting the most important member of staff.

-Who?

What do you mean, who?!

She's sassy, she's fabulous, she's good-looking.

She's fun to be around, everyone loves her.

She's a mega-star in the making!

One day, she's going to be, like, really really famous.

-Why are you talking differently?

-She's a receptionist!

Oh, yeah...

There was someone...

-What was she called?

-Let's just run the file!

You're fired.

Why? What have I done now?!

# I'm gonna make my mark A real big hitter

# Be the most popular person on Twitter

# A Z-list celebrity... #

SHE SCREAMS

# I'm gonna make my mark Things will change

# I'm going to get my own supermarket clothing range

# No-one's going to tear my dreams apart

# I'm going to make my mark

# Whooo, whooo hoo... #

Seeing as no-one else wants to audition for the part of Sally,

-I'm offering you...

-Not so fast!

I want to be the most famous-est person in the world!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Listen to what I can do!

# Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah

# Er, uh, er, uh, er, uh. #

Oh, look, someone's texted me to tell me how brilliant I am.

-Florence The Tractor asks me for fashion tips.

-And The Machine!

It's banana time!

CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS

-Ideas?

-Oh! We could chain him to his bedroom radiator.

-Ideas that wouldn't get us arrested.

-You're moving the goalposts.

You're just a silly man in a plastic costume.

No chance of ever getting a girlfriend.

You're not an alien from the Planet Splug!

-He is an alien from the Planet Splug.

-That's right.

And I do have a girlfriend, actually. Her name is

-Villinas Obliterator and we're very very happy.

-OK, OK.

-Only one thing we can do.

-Chain Mr Banana Time to his radiator.

Stop trying to solve all your problems that way.

# I'm going to

# Make my ma-a-a-a-a-a-rk! #

Ah, yeah.

Sally.

Yes! Sally!

I can't believe you forgot about me.

I mean her!

Sally? Is...is that you?

No...

I am Salgar the Mighty!

Feed me! Or I will crush you beneath my feet like dust

-upon the face of infinity!

-Yeah, it is her.

Same old Sally.

Yeah, all right.

I admit it, it's me.

I had a body transplant.

Quite fancied a beard.

You're not head of Hotel Trubble Incorporated at all, are you?

Yeah, I am.

So where are the headquarters?

Oh, er...they're just left of Saturn...

It's a business park...

just on the left.

Yeah, I've been on an away-day to the headquarters, yeah?

They're in Swindon.

Yeah, right! I admit it.

I made it all up.

I've actually been working as a waitress in a cocktail bar.

Why the elaborate ruse?

Cos I wanted my old job back!

But first, you lot had to realise what was wrong with this place.

I wanted things to go back to the way they were. We used to have

fun together, didn't we?

# Good morning

# I hope you're enjoying your stay... #

# Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time

# I'm having a ball

# Don't stop me now

# If you wanna have a good time

# Just give me a call

# Don't stop me now

# Cos I'm having a good time Having a good time

# I don't wanna stop at all

# Satanic Mechanic You're not out of tune

# She lives on the toilet and smells like a poo... #

Hotel Trubble has been voted The Least Stylish Hotel In Britain

-10 years running!

-At least we won something.

-I don't know how, but you did it! Everyone's happy.

-Aah!

Oh, oh, oh! # Shamone!

# Shamone!

# Poka-tarry! #

She's Amy.

That is despicable...

underhanded... and totally brilliant!

# We've got a treat You can't ignore

# We learnt how to do it When we were bored

# We shove all our fingers Inside our mouths

# Munching on our hands Is what it's all about

# Tell me how this world Can be a stressful place

# When you've got all your fingers

# Shoved in your face. #

Oh!

I think I've found one of Mr Potty's excitement bombs.

Don't breathe in, anyone!

# Jamie

Oh, Sally...

# I...

PHONE RINGS

Er...

I just...

Hello. Hotel Trubble.

Closing file.

Oh, well, I hope you enjoyed your stay...

Happy hovering.

Oh, hi.

Oh, your new body's finally arrived.

-Love it!

-Thanks!

Medical science is a wonder, isn't it?

I hope Mr Toaster likes it...

Oh! Trubble! I mean Mr Trubble.

-Hiya, Sally. I just wanted to say...

-Did I say you could talk to me?

-Er, no.

-Shut it. I've got three million copies of Gossip magazine

-to get through.

-Just like the good old days.

Morning, Jamie! You're looking very perky today.

That's because I've decided I actually like being a bellboy.

ALARM

All we need to do is work out what that machine is.

This one?

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

Oh!

# Hotel Trubble for ever

# It's the pits And we know we're stuck

# But we love it

# Hotel Trubble for ever... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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