Catz N Doggz Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our reception.

People, trying to have a conversation here?

And this is Lenny.

He's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington.

The new cleaner. Which just leaves me. Jamie.

I'm the bellboy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm

# Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive! #

-Lenny, have you fixed the Hoover yet?

-There's still no suction.

Listen, you need to make this place extra tidy today.

We've got a special guest coming.

D-Dog, the rapper.

Oh, boy, I'm so excited, I'm so excited!

Me too, I'm so excited, I feel like I've got ants in my pants.

Oh, so that's where I left them.

Earthquake! She's going to blow!

Guys, please, D-Dog is not a special guest.

So don't get star-struck and neglect the other residents.

We need to treat all of our guests with good manners...

PHONE RINGS

..respect and, most importantly, friendliness.

So... I'm talking here!

Make sure you don't get carried away.

Besides, D-Dog's the lucky one.

He gets the stay at this wonderful hotel.

I'm sure he's just as excited as you two are.

No!

I told you, anywhere but Hotel Trubble.

What the heck do I pay you for?

-I am sorry.

-Stop saying sorry.

OK, I will.

Sorry. It's just all the other hotels refused to let you stay.

-They say you're too much of a troublemaker.

-I just get so bored.

I know, but this is the only hotel left that you haven't upset.

Please, I do beseech you, say you'll behave.

Oh, I'll be-have. I'll 'be' very 'have' indeed.

Do you think we can get out of this traffic jam?

Look, all I'm saying is don't go gaga for D-Dog.

Be professional, yeah? Like me.

Like you? The only reason you have it in for cool people is because

-you've always wanted to be one.

-I have not.

Always been the same, Jamie.

Like when the cool kids were around at school.

-All right, mate?

-Hey, boys.

OK, maybe once.

Or, like it at bellboy college.

Hi, guys.

Just looking at the Hall of Fame.

OK, twice, then.

-Or...

-All right! Get back to work.

You can waste your time drooling all over this D-Dog character

but I will be attending to our other guests

and providing the level of service to which they've become accustomed.

Because I will stop at nothing

to maintain the comfort and well-being of all our guests.

Are you OK?

Sorry about that. He's an idiot.

SHE SCREAMS

-He's here. D-Dog.

-Word.

Such a pleasure to meet you.

-Can I just say...?

-Whatever.

D-Dog, I'm Lenny.

Please will you sign my CD?

This is the last hotel that will have us, remember?

You. Take my bags.

What's the magic word?

-PHONE RINGS

-Abracadabra.

-No. Say please.

-Are you joking?

-Not at all.

I'm sure you're a very talented man.

But we are Hotel Trubble. And we're not the sort of establishment

that puts up with diva behaviour.

Jamie, it's D-Dog's fan club.

They've heard D-Dog's staying here.

And they want to book 20 rooms!

Can we fit them in?

Let me take your bags.

-Don't I need to say please?

-Oh, really, that's not necessary.

And may I just say what a pleasure it is

to welcome such an accomplished musician to the hotel.

Oh, a musician, eh?

I was once a bit of a singer in my younger days.

'Don't say "were you really?"'

-'Don't say "were you really?"'

-Were you really?

Well, seeing as you're interested,

listen to this.

# Can't live If living is without you

# Can't live

# Can't give any more

# Can't live... # All together!

if living is without you!

# I can't give

# I can't live any more! #

Sorry? Reservation?

Yes, what's your name?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel Trubble. Yep, 1pm's fine. Bye.

Oh, this is brilliant. We've never been busier.

Yeah, we know.

I think it's best if I look after D-Dog, yeah?

It's not like he's a normal guest, is it?

-Yeah, but you said...

-What did I say, Lenny?

-Oh, I can't remember.

-Sally, you can look after

the first and second floor. Lenny, you take care of the third.

Hang on, there isn't a third floor.

Precisely. Anyway, you've still not fixed the Hoover.

I'm still trying.

It just needs a bit more power.

Er...

-What's that?

-What, this? It's my cap.

-I always wear it.

-No, you don't.

Why are you wearing it backwards?

This is how I wear it, yeah? The cool way.

I have never seen you wearing it before.

You sure you're not just trying to copy D-Dog?

-Me? Copying? I don't know the meaning of the...

-Word.

-Word.

Oh, a cat.

When you've got the Dog staying in your hotel, that's not cool.

-I agree.

-What?

Dogs are much cooler than cats.

-Always said that.

-Eh? Since when?

You sound like my kind of bro.

Kick it!

Everything all right with the hotel, sir?

These cushions. They're made of goose feathers.

-Why, what did you want?

-Duck down.

Anything you say, Mr Dog.

No. I mean, I want you to get down.

Get down?

Of course. Why didn't you say so before?

Get down it is.

Is this guy for real? He's hilarious.

This is all the entertainment I need. You know...

we should hang out.

Wow, sure.

What are you up to? I hope aren't going to be mean to him.

This guy does whatever I say. It's the best amusement I can think of.

Just as long as you don't take the mickey, sir... Sorry.

-Excuse me...

-Get out.

-Nice jeans.

-Thanks.

I like the way you wear them down around your bum. It's cool.

I do the same. See?

You know, really cool people wear them even lower than that.

But, then, you probably know that already.

I mean, yeah. Yeah, I do.

How low?

Jamie, just pull your pants up.

27 hours and 4 minutes to go.

No rush. I kind of like it here.

Oh, I thought you were bored.

This place is different. I've got my man Jamie to keep me company.

Jamie!

Yeah?

Isn't that right, J?

-Certainly is, Dog.

-You know,

I've been thinking.

-Some of the guests of this hotel are seriously uncool.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I mean, does a cool dude like you really want them staying here?

Good point. 'Scuse me, bruv.

Yes, I'd like to check in.

Would you like to follow me, please, brother.

OK, out we go.

SMASH

And see you later.

Bye.

Jamie, what's going on? Why are you acting differently?

I'm just trying to make our special guest feel welcome.

D-Dog's not a special guest, remember?

Just because he's "cool"

doesn't mean he's more important than any of our other guests.

We need to treat them all with good manners, respect,

and, most importantly, friendliness.

PHONE RINGS

I'm talking, here!

You're just trying to act cool.

You're just jealous because I'm to cool for school and I rule,

-you fool.

-Did you just call me a fool?

My man. What are you?

I'm the leader.

You got it. Keep the L up, man.

Yes, bro. See?

Doesn't mean leader, Jamie, it means loser. He's making fun out of you.

-Westlife.

-It's "Westside".

Jokes.

Mr Dog, shouldn't you be getting to bed? It's the concert tomorrow.

When I'm having this much fun? Jamie!

Just watch this.

Jay-mie!

Why don't you show us how good you are at break dancing?

-Sure.

-Yeah.

# Rhythm is a dancer It's a source of passion

# You can feel it everywhere... #

-Don't hurt yourself now.

-RIP

He's such an idiot.

Don't choke yourself, now. Oh, man!

Oh, we need to find a way to show Jamie that he's being laughed at.

We need to prove it to him.

And I know just what to do.

I've seen it in the movies. Come on.

And, what's the plan?

We simply wait here until D-Dog says something rude about Jamie.

And when he does, we secretly record it using this tape recorder.

But it has to be completely secret,

otherwise D-Dog will never give himself away.

-Right. Well, shouldn't we be on the other side of the door, then?

-What?

Oh, yeah.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME

What are we doing here again?

This is my fool-proof plan.

We're in the hotel ventilation system.

Directly above D-Dog's room.

Right.

All we do is use a hammer.

And a nail. And we make a little hole right here.

And we film whatever goes on with this camera.

Wait a minute, are you sure this is safe?

Oh, for goodness' sake, Lenny!

We're only going to make a tiny, tiny hole. Watch.

See?

CREAKING

BOTH: Argh!

Ow.

Oh, man. I'm looking phat.

-A bit thick around the middle.

-What?

We all put on a bit of weight sometimes.

No, not fat.

Phat.

P-H-A-T. It means good.

I'm looking good.

Man, you're rude.

-Sorry.

-No. Rude as in good.

Don't you know anything?

Rude, phat, bad, sick, dope.

-It means good.

-I see.

So, in the world of rap music, bad words are good.

Rude, phat, bad.

-They mean cool.

-Yeah.

Ah, that is cool. No, no, no, no.

I mean, that is rubbish.

You still got that stupid cat?

-Dogs rule, man.

-Woman.

-What?

I'm not a man, I'm a woman.

-You need glasses.

-Whatever.

Just get rid of that stupid thing.

Grrrr!

-Arrr!

-Woof!

-ARRR!

-Rarr!

That's better, man.

-D-Dog. D-Dog, they're here.

-Who?

TV crew. Got an interview with MTVV.

Oh my giddie yarn. That is so cool.

You're going to be speaking to them live from Hotel Trubble.

Yes. So, if you could leave us now, that would be...

You know,

why don't you do it with me?

You can get great publicity for the hotel and we can also show the world

what great bros we really are.

What do you say?

Ohhh!

Oh, man, this guy is too funny.

Hey, people. We are here with

superstar rap artist, D-Dog, here at his hotel. How's it hanging, Dog?

I'm cool, Gemma, how are you?

-Yeah, I'm good, thanks.

-Yo, let me introduce you to my man, Jamie.

-Hey, hey, hey.

-He's the bellboy of the hotel.

And he is phat.

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

So, tell everybody, what's the hotel like?

Oh, man, the hotel is rubbish.

-Really?

-Yep.

What's the staff like, yo?

Oh, Gem-cakes, the staff are useless.

Yo, what's the food like, yo?

The food will make you sick.

OK. We'll be right back.

Yo. I'll catch you later, man.

This has to be the greatest day of my...

Jamie, watch out!

-What you doing?

-Trying to kick you.

Just because I'm in D-Dog's crew

and you two aren't, there's no need to resort to violence, yeah?

I'm just doing what the sign says.

What sign?

Kick it!

That guy is so funny. He does whatever I tell him.

He's stupid.

It's OK, I think stupid means really good.

He's got no idea what's cool and what isn't.

He doesn't know what he's saying.

He thinks all bad words are good. I haven't laughed this much in years.

D-DOG LAUGHS

Rub my back! Rub my back!

Guys, I'm really sorry.

You were right all along. He was just laughing at me.

-I feel such a fool.

-Really?

You don't...look like one.

Hey, it's OK, we all make mistakes.

I once got my hairspray muddled up with grizzly bear love potion.

# She's the one... #

Smelly, fishy, pooey, dirty river water by John Paul Goatey-breath.

Bear your soul.

Yeah, and I once stored six tons of dynamite in the dining room.

Oh, no, wait, that was this morning.

-Sorry.

-I can't believe I've been made such a fool of.

D-DOG LAUGHING

It's time to give D-Dog a piece of my mind.

-Yeah!

-Go on, Jamie!

21 hours to go then we can do this concert and I can go home.

Oi!

I mean, hi.

I was wondering if it would be all right if you stopped laughing at me?

Or just cut down a bit.

Or not.

Up to you. Thanks.

What I mean it is...

I think you've been a bit mean. I wanted you to know.

And, actually, you owe me an apology, buster!

You might think you're the big cheese, but this is our hotel, yeah?

And what we say goes.

So you'd better buck up your ideas, buddy boy, or you'll be

kicked out of this place faster than you can say "word", got it?

Whoa!

What did you say?

He said you are the big cheese...

I heard what he said.

MUSIC: "In Da Club" by 50 Cent

-You can kick us out if you want.

-What?

But if you were real, man, you want to sort this out, man to man.

I'll battle you, tomorrow night, in the lobby.

-But the concert!

-Let everyone come here instead.

I want everyone to see this.

You got it.

Just don't make me angry,

cos you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

-I don't like you anyway.

-Fair point.

Until tomorrow, then.

Just don't start crying if I hit you too hard, though, yeah?

Ow.

This was a bad idea, wasn't it?

He's much bigger than me. He'll eat me for breakfast.

No, he won't. Not at that time.

If anything, he'll eat you for dinner.

Not helping, Lenny.

I need to get in training, you know.

Build some muscle. Oh, what am I going to do?

You're forgetting that I'm a professional boxing trainer

and I've trained no less than...

..ten world champions.

Oh, you're thinking of a dream again, aren't you, Lenny?

Am I?

Oh.

So, does that mean I didn't invent a banana that can walk?

Oh, well. We'd better start training.

-Feel the burn.

-Ow, ow.

-I'm not ready for it!

-Come on!

Let's do it, come on.

Go on. Yes.

Come on.

Come on! Yes!

Nice Work, Jamie.

I am so proud.

VACUUM CLEANER SUCKS

Meow.

Sirius?

Sirius?

Sirius, where are you? Sirius.

Why are you wearing that?

My Sirius is gone. This isn't like him. He must be dead.

Don't be so hysterical.

He'll be around somewhere.

I'm sure we can find him.

Good luck.

I'm sure WE can find him.

-That means all of us.

-Oh.

Sirius, where are you? Sirius?

# Can I kick it? Yes, you can. Can I kick it? Yes, you can... #

-You look ridiculous, man.

-Oh, thanks. I mean, hey!

How you going to hold a microphone with gloves on?

What are you talking about? we're having a fight.

No. We're having a battle.

-What's the difference?

-He means a rap battle.

It's a contest in which two people take it in turns to rap

-and then the crowd decide who wins.

-Oh.

Oh.

Just one minute, please.

Lenny, how long have you known this?

-Ages.

-And you didn't think it was weird that I spent all of yesterday

bulking up my muscles for a fight?

Yeah, I did a bit.

But, you can win this, easily.

Lenny, this man is a professional rapper.

I can't wrap a Christmas present.

Oh, come on, how hard can it be?

-Here, kitty, kitty.

-It's no good.

There's no sign of him.

Look on the bright side.

If he has passed away, his fur would make a lovely shrug.

You could probably turn him into a whole fur coat,

-the amount you used to feed him.

-Dolly!

I'm only teasing.

Mrs P, did Sirius carry an organ donor card, by the way,

because the road outside could do with a new pair of cat's eyes.

No one talks about my Sirius like that.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

# Kick it! #

Dolly, are you OK?

This is D-Dog's room.

-Oh...

-My...

-Goodness.

-WHINING

OK. Here are the rules.

Both sides have 30 seconds to rap at the other.

-I presume you've brought your own music.

-Yep.

-Nope.

-Great.

Let's begin. D-Dog first.

Yo. Check it. Yo, yo, yo

I wanna tell you 'bout a dude who's a total fool.

He's just a lonely bellboy who thinks he's cool

He dresses like me and copies how I talk

He's not a D-Dog He's more like D-dork

I'd love to stay in here in Hotel Trubble

You make me laugh so much, I even pay you double

He thinks he's someone I want in my crew

But I've got loads of friends and none of them are you. Word.

CHEERING

OK, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome James.

Right, just remember, nothing rhymes with the words orange, or purple.

-So just make sure you don't use them.

-Got it.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Drop the beat. Drop the beat, drop the beat, drop the beat

My name is Jamie and I love orange...

I love this hotel but I don't like...

Blorange.

I mustn't say purple because nothing rhymes with purple

Except...the gurple

Yeah.

-Boo!

-Boo!

-Boo!

Yo. His name is D-Dog but he's actually not a dog, so there.

Yeah.

You can quit if you want.

I know how much you hate to embarrass yourself.

Feel free just to say, "I quit".

-I...

-There he is.

-Huh?

You can take the mickey out of me and Lenny,

and you can laugh at the hotel, but you've taken it too far this time.

-I don't know what you mean.

-We've been in your room, buster,

and look what we found.

What have you done to my cat?

You've blinged him.

So, I didn't hoover him up!

You stole him!

What can I say? Dogs rule around here, yo.

Oh, really, well, we'll see about that, won't we?

Right, OK, gang, hit me with some beats.

You looked down on me Cos you think I'm a cleaner

But when it comes to battle No-one is meaner

This guy thinks he's tough But under his bed, what did I find?

A cuddly ted.

So don't be impressed with his so-called talents

He's not called D-Dog His real name is Clarence.

The Mrs P massive's in the house

So join with me if you want him out

When I say hot, you say pan

When I say spick, you say span. Hot.

-Pan.

-Spick.

-Span.

-Hot.

-Pan.

-Spick.

-Span.

-H to the O to the T-E-L

Trubble's our name And we're gonna give him hell

So guys, make noise If you want him to stay

There's your answer. Now, go away

Word.

CHEERING

Where did you learn all that?

I spent a couple of years running

with some of the East Coast rappers in the US of A.

-Back in the day.

-Who? Which ones?

No, one must never name-drop.

Simon Cowell once taught me that.

Here, I reckon we could make this a regular thing.

I'm a bit of a whizz on the mic, well,

I am more of a singer. As I say...

One, two. One, two.

# I can't live If living is without you

# I can't live I can't give any more... #

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm

# Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive! #

E-mail [email protected]